Betsy Guerra explains why validating others' feelings strengthens relationships. She shares a story about interrupting her daughter's bedtime story, then describes a husband who dismissed his wife's concerns about his mother. Validation means showing empathic understanding, not necessarily agreeing.
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The other night, I was reading a bedtime story to my children, and I promised my oldest daughter that she was going to be able to read it in English when I was done reading it in Spanish. But when we were done reading, we had taken a little too long, and it was already past her bedtime. I still let her start reading it, but when I realized she was going to take too long, I stopped her and I took the book away and I told her, don't worry, you can do it tomorrow. And she got upset. She went into her room, I put the other two down, and I went to her room to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight. And she was crying. And I remember thinking like, oh, my gosh, she's so dramatic. She can read it tomorrow. It's not a big deal. And she kept on telling me, but, mom, you told me that I was going to be able to read it. I'm like, yes, mom, but it's too late. And I didn't tell her that she was dramatic. I was containing myself, and I was so proud of it. And I'm like, it's okay. Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. You're gonna be able to read it tomorrow. Don't worry about it. And she kept on going, and she's like, mom, but let me tell you what happened. You told. I'm like, but I already know what happened. You're gonna read it tomorrow. And she said, but, mom, please listen to me. And then it hit me. I was not validating my daughter's feelings. My thinking process was like, oh, my God, she's so dramatic. Please get over it already. Please. I know what happened. You don't have to repeat it to me again. But I don't know how she felt about what happened. I don't know how she interpreted what happened. So I was invalidating her feelings, her thinking process, and herself, if you think about it. And when she said, mom, but just listen. I did. I listened. And she said, mommy, you told me this. And then I even started reading it. It's not like you told me, no, it's too late. I started reading it, and you said, okay, and then you took it away from me. So I was like, what's going on? Why did my mom do this? And then I realized that I had hurt her feelings because you know what? I didn't keep my word, and I didn't explain anything to her, because I'm the mom. I don't need to explain her anything. Was, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Because she counts and she's important. She matters and her feelings do too. And this happens to us all the time. We have irrational feelings all the time. We react in ways that we don't even know why we're reacting that way. And we want to feel like we matter, like our feelings are taken into account. And when our partner or our mom or our boss or the co worker or somebody that we experience our life with doesn't validate our feelings, it hurts. It hurts. And what is validation? Validation is not about agreeing. Yes, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry, I did it wrong. You're right. That's not what validation is about. Validation is about putting yourself in the shoes of the other person and trying to understand how the other person feels. You don't have to agree, you just have to try to understand. And you have to make that person feel as though her feelings or his thoughts or the way he or she interpreted what happened matters. It's a need we have as human beings. And just feeling that somebody cares enough to make you feel as though you matter makes a world of a difference. The other day, a client of mine told me that one of the things that hit her the most about some videos that I have online courses that I have was this whole thing about validation. She told me, you know, I had some issues with my mother in law and every time I would express it to my husband, he would tell me, but, you know, she's old and she's like that, don't listen to her, don't pay attention, she's never gonna change. And she felt that he didn't care about what she was feeling. And she told me, you know, if only he would have told me, oh, I know my mom, she can be a pain or oh my gosh, you know, like, you know how old people are. They really like start with something and they don't finish. And I can only imagine what you feel because I was super annoyed by her and she's doing the same thing to you. But you know, at least I was raised with her. I'm used to this. But no, my gosh, what do you want me to do about it? The odds of this client saying nothing, don't worry about it, it's okay, were very high. Because validation has nothing to do with outcome, with doing, with action. Validation is about feeling that the other person cares, feeling that you matter, that your feelings are important. And they are important. Whether they're reasonable or irrational. They're important because they're yours and you are important. So let's try to validate our children, especially those teenagers. They may seem super dramatic, but they have a different way of seeing life and we have to validate it. They may drown in a glass of water, but it's how they feel. Let's validate our kids. Let's validate our spouses. It doesn't make sense, doesn't matter. It's how he or she feels. Let's validate the co workers, the boss, the people around us, and let's make them feel as though they matter.
