Betsy Guerra speaks from personal experience about how guilt and blame surface after unexpected loss (she cites losing her daughter, Fofi). She distinguishes societally-accepted guilt from the temptation to blame others, recounts a tense conversation with her husband who prevented her from assigning blame, and argues that blaming corrodes the mourner rather than restoring control. Guerra invites listeners to consider mystery and acceptance, to honor the deceased through love, service, gratitude, and forgiveness, and warns that making others miserable is unlikely to be what the deceased would want.
Chapters
Today I'm going to talk about the role of blaming in grief. This is a hard topic for me to share because I'm a little embarrassed to confess some things, so bear with me. When I lost Fofi, I experienced some guilt. And, you know, I wonder, like, what I could have done better, or how could I have not kept her alive? And I was right there, so how did I not see it? And I had all these thoughts that produce guilt. I feel like, as a society, we're okay with guilt and grief. We get it, and we have experienced it enough to know that it's something normal when you're going through grief. But blaming and grief are cousins. When you blame yourself, you experience guilt. But there are times in which we blame other people as well. And I tried doing that. I remember one day I just couldn't accept I had already overcome my own guilt. And I had decided that I really did everything in my power to protect my daughter. I put her in survival classes when I moved to a house with a pool. Then I put her in swimming classes. I was a psycho mom who was always attending to her, watching her, and I was criticized for it. So I had decided that I really didn't have the power to save her. And I was at peace with not having guilt, but I still didn't understand how that could have happened. So in my effort to understand, I tried for a second to blame others. And I remember because this was a very significant conversation I had with my husband that did not end too well. At some point, I said, like, well, you know, these people were there, and they were looking, and they didn't see anything, and if they would have done this and that. And my husband, immediately when he, like, smelled that I was trying to blame other people, family members, friends who were here, he stopped me immediately and said, that is never going to be anybody else's responsibility. And at the time, I thought he was assuming that it was our fault. And I'm like, no, I don't want to go back to guilt. But I know now that what he meant was, don't you dare go blame other people to try to understand something that is a mystery. And that's what happens when we lose a loved one unexpectedly. We want to understand because we believe that if we can understand it, then we can control it, and then we can avoid it from happening again. It's human nature. So if you can't understand the death of your loved one and it was an accident, and there was someone driving or someone was present that could have, should have done something and didn't. You may fall into the trap of blaming. You may fall into the trap of becoming bitter because you resent someone who should have done something, who was responsible for the loss of the life of your person. And I want to invite you to consider that maybe it was a mystery, an accident. Maybe your person was saved from something terrible by going on to be with God. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Was it too soon? Yes. Was it unfair? Absolutely. Does it hurt? 100%. But blaming other people is not going to bring your person back. It's just going to corrupt you inside because you have this need to understand and to blame someone for it so that you think you have the control of not letting happen again. Think about it. Do you think your person wants you to honor him or her by making someone else's life miserable? Someone who didn't know any better, didn't mean to, who was the victim of the accident? Whatever it is, whatever the case is in your situation, is that how your person wants you to honor him or her? Or does he or she want you to rise up and honor? Honor through love, service and gratitude? And while we're at it, forgiveness. I get that you're in pain, and my heart is with you. I've been in your shoes, too. I just want you to take this moment, if this applies to you, and reflect on whether you're going to choose to corrupt your soul with blaming and resentment, or continue to love that person who watches over you from heaven.
