Welcome to F.U.S.E!

Think of the word communication. I once heard this, and I think it's so beautiful and powerful. The word communication is divided into three words that imply three different components of the actual concept. So the first one is common, the middle part of the word is unique, and the last one is action. There is a common aspect of communication that refers to the common language, the different expressions that we all share, that we can understand. There's a unique component which is the way that we implement as individuals, as unique individuals, those commonalities. So the way I speak the same language that other people speak, the way that I express myself, even when it involves common and similar expressions, those are the unique components of communication. And then there's the action part of the concept. There's an action that's taking place, there's a message being conveyed from one person to the other, and communication is being shared. So communication is common, it's unique, and there's an action involved in it. Now, there's a lot of research about the common and the action parts of communication. You know, the different languages, the different communication techniques, how to communicate in which manner, how to use your nonverbal to be able to convey the message. There's a lot of research that shows this. My favorite communication techniques are validation, paraphrasing I statements, the sandwich method, you name it, there's a lot of it. But there's nothing on the unique component of communication. And why is this important? Because the best communicators, the ones that know all the communication skills, still have conversations that end before they even start because they didn't have the opportunity to engage in the actual conversation. They also didn't have the possibility of using and implementing their communication techniques. So the unique component of communication is really important because it allows us to relate to others. It's what allows for relationships to flourish, to be nurtured. If we're not able to convey the message that we're trying to convey to our significant other, to the people at work, to our children, then it's really hard to relate to those people in an appropriate manner. So the unique component of communication is what my concept that's been trademarked, Fuse, is what it's all about. Fuse is a combination of four factors that determines the way we relate, interact, and communicate with other people. So it essentially informs our relationships and our ability to relate to others that are significant in our lives. Now, Fuse is informed by our history, by our family of origin, by our temperament or character. So it is the unique aspect of communication because there's not two people that have had the same experiences, that have the same character, the same temperament in the same family. Our family experiences, for that matter, because even siblings will have totally different fuses and they share the same family of origin. So fuse is an acronym for four components. The F stands for filter, the U for unconscious triggers, the S for style, and the E for expectations. And I will briefly go over them, but you can find more information about each of them individually. Now, the F stands for filter, and filter is the way we process. So we all have a filter through which we process information. And in our filters, we have some contaminants that may be positive or may be negative that inform the way we're going to understand the information that's provided to us. So when we see somebody behaving in a certain way or when somebody tells us something, we're going to interpret that information through our filter in order to get a clean message or the message that was intended to be conveyed. Now, the thing is, because our filters are not pure and super clean, whenever the information goes through it, we interpret things the way we are capable of doing so based on the contamination we have in that filter. Now, some of the contamination is positive, some of the contamination is not. So it is important to look at our filters and see how we are interpreting information and only keep the things that we want to continue having in our relationships and in our communication. For example, being a gentleman, having faith, all those are values that are in our filter. And when we interpret the message of a woman standing up, an older woman standing up in a train, and we are sitting down, we want to get up and give them our seat. Because in our filter, it's not right for that older lady to be standing up when we have a seat. Another example of a filter is I have this couple that the man was an American man, and he grew up in an abusive home where the dad was an alcoholic. And he used to scream a lot when he came home late at night and was drunk. So he would scream and then he would beat up the mom. So he grew up with that aggression, and he associated screaming to aggression and violence. So then he decided to marry a young woman who was a little. Well, she was Cuban, and we Latins can be very loud. So every time she got super excited and started talking to him, but you don't understand. But listen to this. He would get super anxious, and he's like, stop screaming at me and stop being aggressive towards me. And she was like, what are you talking about? I'm just excited. I'm Cuban. I'm supposed to be loud. Well, he interpreted the screaming as aggression, whereas for her, in her filter, Cubans and Hispanics are supposed to be loud. So it's okay and it's acceptable. So those are some examples about how the filter can affect the way we interpret information. And hence the message is not super duper clean. So we have to make sure that we look at it and ensure that the information that's there, the values that are there, and the biases that are there are the ones that we want to keep. That's F. Now, you. You stands for unconscious triggers. And these are those buttons that people push and make you react in a very irrational way and very emotional way, and you just can't get over it. So when, for example, I'm one of four, my oldest sister has severe mental retardation. And then my brother was the one that was. Everything was given to him in a silver platter. And then came me. So I was screwed. I had to do everything on my own. You know, like, nobody would pay attention to me. So I grew up feeling that I had to understand other people and they would love me in the measure that I would understand them and give to them and just cater to them. So two things happen that have to do with my triggers. The first one is that I created monsters because I taught everybody around me to not give me. Because what I knew, what my role was was to give and to do for others. So when I give to others and don't know how to receive, I teach people. I create monsters, and I teach people not to do for me. So then it gets old after a while. And when people are not doing for me, like for example, a partner, a boyfriend, a parent, a sibling, a friend, when I find myself doing, doing, doing, giving, giving, giving, and I don't receive anything, I feel like that they're not taking me into account or that they're taking advantage of me and I'm hurt by it. But many times the way I react to that is irrational because maybe somebody just asked me for a favor and they didn't realize that they didn't consider me in some way or the other, or they were overwhelmed with their own situation. But I still reacted to what I had inside of me, to that button that that person pushed, not knowing that he was pushing it. So those are triggers. The other example of my growing up is because I was always doing things for other people. They didn't always consider me. They didn't take me into account. So whenever my husband forgets to tell me, hey, we're going here with this family or we haven't we made a commitment and I find out through someone else, or I find out last minute. I may be like, why didn't you tell me you didn't consider me? And he may be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I hadn't had a chance or I forgot, I didn't mean to. But the way I react is because of my history and my vulnerability with the whole being considered and being taken into account or, you know, getting people's attention and being important to them. So that's a trigger of mine. What's yours? The third one is style. The S stands for style. And style is like the communication language, if you will. You know how there's a love language? Well, there's a communication language. And style is the way we're comfortable communicating with others. The way we're. What's easy for us, what we're comfortable with. So, for example, maybe I am comfortable communicating verbally and in writing. Other people may be more introvert and the way they communicate is through nonverbal gestures and the way they interpret information is internally. So whereas I need to process by speaking to someone and having a sounding board, other people may process by thinking internally and thinking about the perspectives, the possibilities, the different ways of looking at it, or, or maybe even just observing. So styles are different for everybody. Like, for example, different ways in which the style can be presented. If I am comfortable with speaking in the moment and just fixing everything right now. But my husband is more of a let me cool down, let me process this and we'll talk about it later. And I insist because. Because my style is like, let's fix it right now. And his style is like, let me think about it, let me cool down, we'll talk about it later. Then the styles will clash if we're not aware of what your style is and what your partner's style is or the people around you. So if they clash, that may further hinder the communication and the issues at hand. So other examples of style are for. For example, if you. If you're an open book and your partner is more of the dirty laundries heir at home, if you say something to someone that he knows about your issues with him, he may feel betrayed because you told somebody else when you know he feels that things should stay at home and you are an open book. So your style took you or brought you to make some mistakes that hurt your partner or that triggered him because you weren't careful about the styles and you didn't take those into consideration. So that's style. What are your styles? Sky's the limit for styles. There's different areas that we can address. The E stands for expectations. And I think this is really powerful because a lot of relationships don't last or are in trouble or struggle because of unmet expectations. Many times my clients come and tell me, no, I can't do this anymore. Because my husband, you know, I send him this text telling him like, you're amazing. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I'm sorry I screamed at you earlier on. I need to be more mindful of that and I promise I'm going to do a good job. 45 minutes writing this text message. Delete, add, copy, paste is done. And then what did this person get as a response? An emoji or a thank you or I love you or guess what? Nothing. Nothing. Because the partner was at work and was busy and couldn't respond right that moment. So then this person is furious because, oh my gosh, can you believe he didn't even answer? I'm like, but what did he do to you? They're like, well, he didn't write back to me. He didn't do what I needed him to do, what I expected him to do. Well, when we're being triggered and we're upset at something, not that the other person did, but rather something that we expected the other person to do and then we set them up for failure. So expectations are really important because we need to make sure that our expectations are reasonable. And the only way we can make them reasonable is if we're taking into consideration the person I question. And we have to make sure that if we want them to do something, and I'm giving examples about spouses, but this applies to your kids, this applies to your co workers, to your family members, to your in laws, to the people around you. So if you want something from someone, if you expect them to act in a certain way, you need to tell them yes, you need to tell them. You don't wait for them to feel it and to think the way you think. Because the thing about expectations is that we expected people to act the way we would act and we just heard that we're unique individuals. So not two of us are the same and we don't think the same way. Expectations are really important to make sure that we avoid the unmet expectations experience. And lastly, feel fuse is unique to every person and we need to become aware of each of those factors in our lives. And we need to also learn the fuse of the people that we care about and that we want to communicate with. And by doing so and learning how to manage it, we're going to be able to then start conversations.