What I've Learned From My Teenager About Connection

Today we're going to talk about what I learned from my teenager about connection. My daughter is 13 and I have been working really hard for years to build a relationship with her, a connection, so that when she got to this point, we would be the best friends in the world and she could have access to me anytime she wanted. And in my mind, we, we were going to be talking all the time as BFFs and I was going to be spending time at nighttime and she was going to think up, she was going to think that I was the coolest person on earth. And after I spent all this time doing that, none of the above. She thinks she's too cool to lay in bed with me and chat at night, which used to work before. She doesn't think I'm cool enough. And I swear I'm cool. And I don't know how to connect with her. It's hard. I feel like I'm playing this mind reading game every day with her. Like, what mood is she on today? Is she going to welcome or reject me? But I've learned because of my profession that when kids push back on you, you're probably judging them or you're probably interacting with them in a way that, that doesn't serve them or is not in alignment with how they want you to guide them. So when she pushes back on me, instead of insisting, I take a step back and I try again. So I'm constantly testing and tweaking and trying to see when is a good moment. And one day I was like, you know, let me figure this out once and for all. Let me see what she thought, you know, what she's thinking. And I sat with her and I'm chichi, you know, I don't know how to connect with you. And I came from a place of vulnerability and rather than showing up as I'm the mom and I know better than you, you know, sometimes we think we know. I came from a place of vulnerability and humility. And I was like, you know, my love, I don't know how to connect with you. I don't know how to be there for you. I'm trying to be the best mom for you and I need your help. I need your guidance. So I asked, why don't you help me understand what you would want from me? And she had a hard time because they're talking on FaceTime and the phone and Snapchat all day long and they have all these things to say, but when it comes to talking to mom, they have nothing to say. So it Wasn't that productive. And I was like, okay, so is, you know, can you think of someone who would be an ideal mom for you? Like, can you think of all my friends that you like and admire? Like, what do you like about each of them? How do you think that would serve you if they were your mom? And I started asking about specific people I know, like friends of mine my age who I know she gets along with and who she thinks are cool. I guess it's the mom thing. If you're the mom, you're destin to not be cool. That's okay. Accept it. It's not a big deal. We know we're cool, right? So then I'm like, would you want this person as your mom? And she was like, whoa, I like this. But no, I don't want them as my mom. Would you want this other. No, I don't. And I said, so who would you want as your mom so I can learn from her? And she said, mom, I want you. I want you as my mom. And I'm like, okay, then teach me how to do that. And she was like, well, I know you care, and that's all that matters to me. You care. I'm like, what do you mean? Well, you care because you're always having these annoying conversations and you're giving me all these speeches all the time, which annoy me, but they also suggest you care. And that was such a beautiful learning experience because we're trying to do so much, so perfectly. And in the end, all that matters is care. Care enough to have these conversations. Care enough to annoy them with questions and interest and curiosity about their lives. Care enough to take them places so that they can do the most important thing in their lives, which is to be with their friends. Care enough to understand what is important to them and not judge it as inferior or ridiculous or unimportant. And I will say that I'm not going to share too many details to honor my daughter, but it's paid off, even though we don't have the relationship I long for. But I understand that's my need, not hers. And I want to show up as the mom she needs, not the mom I want to be for her. I have a beautiful relationship in which she shares really important things that I've always wanted to have access to so that I can support and guide her as her mom. So my experience has been that though she doesn't talk to me much, what she does say matters. And we are building trust, and we'll be building a relationship that looks differently to what I had in mind, but is beautiful nonetheless, and it's exactly what she needs. And I get to embrace that. If you are struggling with your teenager, we are always supporting our parents in our community. I have free life coaching every month and you're welcome to join us at betterliveswithbetsy.com sign up for free and join us every first Tuesday of the month. If you have a teenager and you want support with your teenager, you can call my practice. I have incredible therapists and coaches who are amazing with teams. They love them. We also have the Teen Leadership Bootcamp for our teams to become leaders, and we love our teams, so we are constantly offering services and resources that will elevate them and you as parents.