#92 How to Have Fun After PTSD (Without Feeling Guilty)

Welcome to the Overcoming PTSD Podcast. My name is Brad Schipke, and this is the limited series called Recovery Secrets Daily Coaching. Now, these were private sessions that I originally ran as a paid coaching program, but now for the first time ever, I'm making all 100+ sessions available for free for all of you podcast listeners. And this series is over 100 days of practical strategies that have helped thousands of trauma survivors fully heal. So make sure to subscribe because I'm dropping a new episode every single weekday until the archive is complete, and you definitely do not want to miss it. So without further ado, let's dive on in.

All right, we are live here. Welcome everyone to our Recovery Secrets daily coaching call. It is great to be here with you on this Friday morning. We'll give everything a minute to connect up here, and then if you're going to be joining us live, feel free to say hello in the chat box there so that I can welcome you and engage with you throughout the session. Today we're going to do kind of a special session which I will Talk about in just a minute as we get rocking and rolling here. But it is great to have you all on. For those of you joining us live, like I said, say hello so that we can engage throughout the session here today and rock and roll with what we're going to talk about. So let me make sure everything's rocking and rolling, up and running, and we will get started in just a moment here. All right. All right. So what we're going to be talking about today, I figured it'd be a good opportunity to cover some of the topics that people submitted that Hadn't been chosen in the past couple of weeks, right? So we have a couple of topics that have been out there that some people want to hear, but they haven't been chosen as our overall topic for our Friday topic. So what I'm going to do today is I'm going to cover three different topics. They're not all tremendously big, big topics, but we're going to touch base on all three topics to make sure that we are covering those so that we can you know have everyone's answer. Be, or everyone's topic be covered. Good morning. Good morning, Dylaine. Good morning, Lena. Dylaine, Brad is taking some very much needed rest. He has been taking care of me all, not, not even week, month with all this tooth stuff. So he is resting. He took today and yesterday off so that he can kind of relax and do his thing, which is awesome and well, well, well deserved. 'Cause he had to juggle a lot. He had to juggle everything that we typically both have to juggle. So Welcome, Lena. Welcome, Jeanette. Great to have you here with us this morning. So like I, I just said, if you missed it, we're going to be covering 3 different topics today, just kind of touching base on a couple different topics that people have submitted but they haven't fully been voted on. So we're going to talk about learning how to have fun by yourself. We're going to talk about role-playing for processing in real time— super exciting for that one— and then how to meet sober/healthy people anywhere. So again, they're not tremendously big topics They can be big, and if we really enjoy them, of course, we can always do them again or do them in more depth in the future. So, but we're going to cover 3 different topics today. It's not important that you can read this. I know my handwriting is atrocious, so I apologize for that. But that's what we're going to be covering today. So the first one I want to talk about, and we'll just start here because, because I'm excited for it and because it's fun, is how to have fun by yourself. Now, some engagement here. Good morning, Judy. Good morning, Jen. Good morning, Joanne. Great to have you here with us. Some engagement here. What are some ways that you have fun by yourself? What are some ways that you have fun when you're alone? Just you, no one else involved. Maybe a dog involved, right? That can maybe still count. I know you're not really by yourself, but that can maybe still count for our topic here today. What are some ways that you enjoy being by yourself? And I'll share some of mine as well. Right? Because this is actually a skill. A lot of things that we talk about are skills, and that's a really, really, really cool thing because skills can be learned. Skills can be learned. Excuse me. They can be built. That's really, really, really super duper good news, Jen. I love that. Singing, dancing—that's an awesome one. That's some—that's one I do. Do it a lot more for some reason in the winter, probably just because I'm inside more. I do more outdoor activities here in the summer and in the In the fall here, I have a great speaker. I put on my speaker, I put on a playlist. I have a coffee table in the living room that I can stand on and it won't break. And I could do that for hours, literally hours. And so sometimes Brad will go and visit his family maybe on like a Sunday afternoon or whatever, and I'll stay here and do whatever needs to be done around the house. And then I'll just hang out. I'll just dance to music or I'll listen to a new album. I love doing that. I love Sitting, I'll put a chair or I'll position the couch in front of the speaker so I have a direct line of it. And then I will play from start to finish an album and just sit and listen. That's something I find enjoyable to do alone. It's also enjoyable to do with other people, but it's more enjoyable for me to do alone. That's a great one. This is a learned skill, and that's really, really, really good news. So if for those of you maybe who aren't having fun in your life, you don't have a lot of fun in your life, That's something PTSD can take away. And it's really easy, and I'm going to use the word let, so it's hug, kick in the butt moment. It's really easy to let PTSD take that away. It's really easy to let trauma take that away. But we really want to hold on to that. And if we've already let it take it away, we want to get that back. It's important to get that back. And I think something for me that was really important and essential in this topic Was understanding that life can be serious and it can be funny. Having fun, enjoying things doesn't take away from the pain that you're in. It doesn't take away from the seriousness of something that's going on. There's space for both those things. I have on my wall over here a giant ampersand. Ampersand? Anyone know what that is? I know a lot of you do because you've been here a while. It's an and symbol, right? I have that on my wall. Why? It's like a foot tall. Why do I have that? Because it reminds me that there is space for more than one thing. There's space for darkness and there's space for fun, and they can host the same space. They can live in the same space. So you can be going through a really, really tough, challenging time within your relationship, and there can still be fun and good moments. One doesn't take away from the other. They don't have to take away from another. And so something that I've found over the years for a lot of people is just the idea of fun can kind of make them clam up because it feel— it can feel like if I have fun, I'm not hurt and that's not validated. If I have fun, if I learn how to have fun, if I start to enjoy myself, I'm not acknowledging this negative, bad thing that's going on in the world. That's not the case. That's not true. We can hold space for both of those things. So that's what we're sharing now. How do you have fun by yourself? When Ryan was here, he talked about the 4 pillars of health. Anybody remember what they are? 4 pillars of health. I'm looking for one specifically, but he talked about 4 different pillars and I want to hone in on one because if this is a skill that we build, right, we're going to give some examples here. How do we have fun by ourselves? What are some things that we can do alone? Now, if you don't know, here's what we're going to do. We're going to try different things. We're going to try different things and ask ourselves, Is this something that I'm enjoying? It might take you a little while to figure out what you enjoy doing alone, what you enjoy doing by yourself, how you have fun by yourself. And that's okay. That's part of building the skill is figuring it out, is trying and trying and trying until you figure it out, until you get it. Awesome. All right. So let me read a couple more here. Good morning, Bonnie. Good morning, Barbara. Good morning, Lena. Lena, I had a dream about you last night. Good morning, everyone. Great to have you all here. Good morning. Good morning, good morning, good morning. Right? So a couple more dancing and singing. That's awesome. Jen sharing fun can be learned, and that's awesome because I have the hardest time having fun. So I'm glad that we're chatting about this. It can be learned. This is a skill, and that's a really cool thing. It's not necessary. Like some people definitely build this skill early on, and I'm sure you've met these people in your life where it's just joke after joke after joke after joke. I have a handful of people in my life that it's just. Constant laughter. And then I have some people in my life where it's the complete opposite. And I've watched the changes over the years in myself where I used to be the complete opposite and then built this skill of fun and then built this skill of making jokes and trying to make myself laugh and trying to make other people laugh. It is a skill that we build. Having fun is an okay thing to do, right? So Jen also sharing, it's been a challenge. It's all work and no play. You'll hear me talk about, especially for those of you in Broken to Unbreakable, you'll get this energy from me that is very, very serious. This is a very serious journey and I want you to focus and I want you to take action and I want you to have good habits and do your processing and watch your mindset. There can be space for that and there can be space to just have fun, to just throw your hands up for a couple minutes, a couple hours, and just do something that you want to do. It doesn't matter what it is, just do something that you want to do. Play, have a good time, just enjoy. And that might be very, very foreign at first, especially after the darkness of this journey. But that's the good news is it is a skill. So some more examples of what do you— what, what, how do you have fun by yourself? How do you have fun? So the whole key here is learning how to have fun by yourself is gonna be about making time. Making time. Schedule. If you can schedule a day, schedule a day. If you can schedule an hour a week, schedule an hour a week. Or 30 minutes at the end of the day for you, whatever it is, or just whatever it is, start to schedule this in, right? And when Ryan talked about the pillars of health, he talked about sleep, he talked about nutrition, he talked about regular exercise or movement, and he talked about rest and relaxation. In your rest and relaxation, this is something that you can integrate, right? So Jeanette sharing, taking my dog to the dog park. I love it. Joanne sharing, I love spending time alone. That's awesome. That's awesome. A lot of dancing and singing. Watching my dog run on the beach. I love this guy over here. I love watching him happy. I get— I call it dumb happy. Excuse my language there. Just, I get so silly happy when I see him happy, when I see him smiling, when I see him enjoying something, when I see him— we call it just like being a dog, right? Shiloh, all of his life has been— he's been a service dog, and so he's been a working dog. So he— we have a pretty high expectation for what his behavior is supposed to be. And when he steps out of that and when he does something naughty, when he does something that he's not supposed to do and he knows he's not supposed to do it, you know, as in his younger years, there was a correction there. But also, I, I kind of— I celebrate him, right? One time we were at Brad's family's house for Thanksgiving. It was our first Thanksgiving with his family, and Shiloh ate half of a cheesecake that Brad's For those of you who know how to make cheesecake, you know that's not an easy thing to do. He had jumped up somewhere and he had, I was talking to Brad's grandma, having a great conversation, and then my mommy senses started tingling. He ate half of a cheesecake. And as upset and embarrassed as I was in that moment, part of me was also celebrating him. 'Cause you know what? He took advantage of an empty room and a cheesecake that he could reach. That's what dogs are supposed to do. And that makes me, it makes me happy for him, right? So it could be watching, it could be watching your kids play. It could be just going and people watching. It could be anything. Sharing learning and reading. I love that. Sharing relaxing. Read, write, crochet. I love that one, Judy. Good morning, Mimi. Jen, nice with the pillars. Sleep, nutrition, rest and relaxation, and exercise are the 4 pillars that Ryan talked about last month. That's awesome. Love it. I love it. Mimi sharing, I'm always making scenarios, making things talk. Bugs talk silly, stuffed animals sometimes with voices too. That's a great way to have fun. That's an awesome way to have fun, just to mess around in. That's, that's a way to integrate having fun into literally everything that you're doing. Just everything that you're doing, just being more silly, kind of just letting those walls down. If people saw me, Brad and I will say this all the time, we can't believe that we actually don't get on each other's nerves because we're that weird and silly and wacky when we're just being ourselves. We're just having fun all the time. And sometimes, we are each individually having fun separate from each other, just happen to be in the same space. And, if somebody looked in, they'd be like, those are 2 of the weirdest people on the planet. Because we just let those walls down and we just have fun and we dance around and we make silly voices. That's a way to integrate it all the time, right? Delane's sharing reading, spending time with Jaden, my dog. That's great. So for those of you who need to start to build the skill of having fun, my challenge for you is this: pick one of these activities and try it today. Try it today. Make time for it today. For me, I have fun. I love listening to an audiobook. I love taking baths. I love going for W-A-L-K-S on the B-E-A-C-H. I love hanging out with this dude over here. Those are always— I have fun. Or going to the B-E-A-C-H and, and reading a mystery novel. I love that, just relaxing and reading. Playing my guitar, that's an awesome way that I love to have fun. Dancing to music, just cleaning and, and making funny voices and listening to, to, to music. There's all sorts of ways to have fun. Making up situations, making up scenarios. It's okay to play. So this is your permission to play and to pick something for you to try to have a little fun today, to make yourself laugh today, to make yourself smile today. It doesn't have to be so serious. Life doesn't have to— it's serious enough. We don't have to take it any more seriously than it already is. It's given us the seriousness. We don't have to make it so Tough and tight and serious. Life can be fun. Life is a game. Life is a party. Life is a dance. All right, so just like a little shift in mindset to think about how we can start to integrate that. Jen, I love this one. Jen sharing, I stopped work last night early and watched The Incredibles. I love cartoons. There's a great way to have fun. Watch a silly movie. I mean, that's an awesome one. Watch something that, you know, especially alone, right? And so if maybe like your partner's not into that, I personally love cheesy comedies, right? And so with all this pain, we had watched a movie this week, or we were picking a movie. It was a rainy day. I was in pain. I was on the couch all day, and we were picking a movie. I picked out a movie, and I was like, I'm so excited about this movie. And Brad kind of saw the trailer and was like, uh, I don't know. It just sounds— it just looks cheesy and plain and like every other comedy out there. I was like, yeah, that's what I love. That's what I love. I love the predictability. I love to laugh at the predictability. And everything like that makes me laugh. Kids movies make me laugh. You know, so pick something that maybe you wouldn't normally pick with someone else, or you might find that in the past you might have judged yourself, or maybe you feel like somebody else would judge yourself, and just enjoy it. Just enjoy it. So that's your action for this topic here. And typically a great way to have fun is to, and this is about having fun by yourself, but something I love to do to have fun because I enjoy it very, very, very much. Is to— I almost said make fun of someone else. That's not what I meant to say. Is to make someone else laugh, is to try to make someone else laugh, because I have a lot of fun hearing people laugh. That's one of my favorite things in the world is watching people get happy or be happy or laugh or smile or whatever it is. So that's a great way. You're kind of like you're having fun by yourself by just making someone else laugh, right? So it doesn't necessarily have to be you, like, alone in a room to have fun by yourself. I love watching comedies and stand-up comedians. I love that too. That's another thing I really super enjoy. I will sit sometimes and— not so much anymore, but I will sit sometimes and put on a stand-up special and just crack up. Like, let yourself laugh. Part of this is let yourself have fun. It's a skill to build it, but part of this is just like, let the wall down, let yourself have fun. There's enough seriousness going on in the world. You've had enough seriousness in your life. Enough darkness. Let yourself, allow yourself to have fun because again, there's space for both those things. So Joe, today's topic, we're covering actually 3 different topics that were submitted that have not gotten picked in the past couple of weeks when we've been voting on Friday's topic. I love this. Mimi sharing, yesterday afternoon I was mowing the lawn, lots of bugs in the air. I was thinking, eating a lot of protein here. And then when they were getting in my nose, making them say, hey, I could build a nest in here and laughing while fighting them off. What a beautiful Example of having fun by yourself, integrating this into every moment, and also just a positive mindset, right? Because how easy would it be to get frustrated about that? And instead you make it fun. Instead you make it enjoyable, right? And you get to laugh. And I can, I can like picture you laughing at that. That's awesome. Okay, so learning how to have fun by yourself. Now the second topic here is really super duper interesting. Role-playing for processing in real time. Now, I really actually like this, this term role-playing. Now, for those of you in Broken to Unbreakable, you'll know that one of the things that I press heavily on and we talk quite a bit about is visualization and visualizing. Now, role-playing really can truly be a synonym for visualization. So we'll talk about that in just a sec. And Joanne sharing, make up new funny lyrics to popular songs. And sing them. That's a great way to have fun. I'm in a constant state of singing songs and making up songs constantly. I basically sing. This is my really weird trait. I sing basically everything that I'm doing. So if you looked in on me, right? If you just like could take down the walls or make the walls of my house glass, and you could look in and you can hear what I was doing. Everything that I'm doing, I'm singing a song. I sing a song when I feed Shiloh. I sing a song when. we go out to play fetch and I'm just basically mumbling to myself, having a good time, making up silly songs and having a blast doing it. So role-playing for processing in real time. Now there's a bunch of ways that we can do this. So with this topic, kind of the first step in understanding what we mean here and how we're going to take action on this is figuring out— actually, let's get some engagement here. What do we think the first step For this topic is, right? So if, if we're gonna give some examples of role-playing for processing in real time, what do we think the first step is? What is typically the first step to anything we do? Anything we do, everything we do. What's the first thing that we, we need to understand? Nice. Nice, Mimi. Good morning, Lisa. Great to have you here. Mimi sharing awareness. You can't solve a problem if you don't know it exists. So the first step here, if we're gonna be processing in real time, if we're gonna be role-playing, visualizing, and processing in real time, we need to identify what needs to be processed. We need to become aware of what needs to be processed and what can be processed in real time. Now, there are going to be some things that are past and, and done, for lack of a more elegant way to put that. Past and done. And then there are going to be some things that kind of continue to come up in your life. And so typically when we talk about PTSD, there's PTSD, which is just post-traumatic stress disorder, and then there's CPTSD, which is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. And so as an example, if you had a— and CPTSD complex, that could be multiple one-time traumas or one-time traumas combined with traumas that last over a certain period of time, or just traumas that last over a certain period of time, right? And so if, again, just for example purposes, you had a one-time, one-event trauma X amount of years ago, 10 years ago, and that is the only thing that you have, the— this is, is not really going to be a super duper effective strategy because your issues in the present are going to be more like, I get triggered maybe when I hear A car start. I get triggered when I hear fireworks. So it's, it can still be applied, but I feel like this is best applied with things in the present that are very, very similar to traumatic situations in the past. And so let me know if you follow me here. In, in my opinion, this is best. And again, it can be applied to anything, but this is best and most powerful. For things specifically related to relationships, specifically related to relationships, because there's going to be complexity there. And because with relationships, there's something we call, and this is getting a little deep, there's something we call intent and there's something we call impact. And so there's basically a lot of miscommunication, even in the strongest communicators. There's a lot of miscommunication that can happen in a given situation. Because we each go in with assumptions, we each go in with a past, we each go in with hurts. And so there's just a lot that can happen. As an infinitely complex human being, you have a lot going on. You get into a situation with another infinitely complex human being and you try to blend those 2 worlds. It's kind of messy. It's kind of messy. And so that's why I like this, this role-playing visualization processing in real time. For situations that you're in with other people. Now, it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship. It can be any sort of relationship. It can just be general communication with people. It could be a coworker relationship. It could be a boss relationship. It could be a peer relationship. It can be any sort— it could be a relationship with your kids relationship. And so what I really like about this is, in essence, what this is, what role-playing is, Is visualization. What visualization is, is making things up. It's making things up. Now, how many of you are master worst-case scenario thinkers? How many of you could take a missed phone call and turn it into a tragedy? Let me know in there in the chat box. How many of you can take a missed phone call and turn it into a tragedy? That would be an example of role-playing for damage in real time. So you already kind of have this skill if you're a master. I mean, I was too. If you're a master worst-case scenario thinker, you are role-playing for damage. You are role-playing for trauma in real time, right? That's what we're doing for ourselves. We are teeing up, how can we create more trauma? How can we create more emotion? Basically, how can we make things worse for our mind? And so The good news is if you are doing that, or if you are a master, if you have that skill, you also have this skill, which is role-playing for processing in real time. So whatever it is that you are working on in regard to your processing, whatever it is that you're working on, you can bring that into more than just your processing sessions. So typically we're talking about a processing routine. So you sit down every night or every morning and you do your processing work. Maybe you do a protector session, you do a belief session, you you do a bilateral stimulation session, you do an introspection session, you sit down and there's a set time where you're doing that processing. That's not what we're talking about with real time. What you want to do is bring the work that you're doing there, you want to bring it forward. And you can bring it forward by watching your thoughts in situations, by visualizing in situations, by taking basically opportunities where you could have or would have gone one way in the past, in your thoughts, in your head, And you go the other way completely, right? And so instead of that missed call turning into that worst-case scenario, that missed call, you use that as an opportunity to role-play, to visualize positive beliefs, the things that you're already working on. You know, my partner loves me and it was just a missed call, and I know I trust them, and I know that they're going to be back. They've not given me a reason to not trust them. This is just an example, right? And I know the world is a safe place and there are plenty of benign reasons that phone call got missed, right? And so you're bringing the work that you're doing. If you're working on maybe trust issues that you had with another person in your life, but your partner has been trustworthy, right? And you're processing that and you're trying to bring that trust and give that trust to your partner because they haven't done anything. It was someone else that did something. That's a great opportunity. Oh, it was a missed caller. Oh, they're home late, or oh, they forgot something. Maybe they forgot an anniversary. There was one year Brad and I both celebrated our anniversary on the wrong day. At least we're on the same page, but we were on the wrong day, right? And so does that make sense? That's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. You're taking the work that you're doing, the processing that you are doing in your sessions, and a great thing right now, right? So we said you can't solve a problem if you don't know it exists. The first thing that we need to think about is what are the common problems that we're having? What are we processing? What are the things on my things I need to work on worksheet, right? Where are the traumas? What am I processing? What am I spending that time on? And so thinking about that, what am I currently processing? The question I want you to ask yourself right now and take some time and write it down right now is how can I bring that forward? One of the things that we talk about, and we haven't covered this tool in Recovery Secrets yet, In one of our processing tools is thinking about future situations. Okay, and so here's the prompt for this topic right here: What future situations would this event that I'm processing come up in? This belief that I'm processing come up in? And how am I now going to handle it differently based on that processing that I did? Does that make sense? What future situations could this thing come up in, and how am I going to handle it differently? And so that's basically you prepping for that future situation. You saying, okay, so. Here's where it could come up. It might come up in my relationship. It might come up when I'm at work. It might come up when I get criticized from my boss. Here's how I'm going to handle it differently. So you're just doing a quick check. I'm going to reflect on myself. I'm going to believe in myself. I'm going to own whatever it is that I did and understand that we're all human and we make mistakes and we're working to get better. And then once that situation comes to light, or if a situation similar comes to light, that's where you're going to right then, right there, Take a different path and talk yourself through it and basically visualize something different. Or it could be visualization, it could be self-talk, right? Where you're in that situation and you're saying, hey, this is different. Everything is okay. This is about the work that I'm doing. This is about the report that I submitted. It has nothing to do with me as a person. It has nothing to do with my self-worth. It has nothing to do with if I'm lovable. This is strictly about the presentation that I submitted to my boss. And so that's what it can look like. That's what it can look like in real time. It may be you're in a conversation with your partner and your partner is expressing some pain from the past. You could go down a couple of routes here. And so maybe that in the past would've made you feel like you do everything wrong and you are a bad person, but really they are just expressing that pain. And so it's not about you being a bad person. They just need to express that to you in order to move forward in the relationship, right? And so maybe you talk yourself through that by visualizing the times where they said, hey, I love you and you're not a bad person. By understanding and telling yourself from the work that you've done, I'm not a bad person. That, that, that was my PTSD and not me. And I own that I did those things. And at the same time, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean that I'm worthless. It doesn't mean that I'm always stuck the way that I am, that I will always hurt people. I can own that I did hurt you and I'm not a bad person for doing so. And I've done all this work to change who I am and heal as an individual. Does that make sense? Let me know if that makes sense in the chat box there. Mimi, I love this. Mimi sharing, I created flashcards for certain types of situations that triggered me. Now with the BTU work, I don't even need the cards for most situations. That's great. That's an awesome thing to do. Right? And so whether they're like literal flashcards or they're more of a mental flashcard, you can, like, in that situ— if you take out flashcards in a situation, that is so impressive and that is so great, right? So maybe you literally make flashcards. I love that. I love that, Mimi. You literally make flashcards or sticky notes or notes on your phone, right? And so when you find yourself in that situation, you might just be like, oh, Mom, Let's just pause for 1 second. If that's good, we're just going to pause for just 1 second. And you take out your flashcards and you just kind of read through them and then you put them away and say, okay, let's go, let's hit it. Right? You just put the situation on pause. Sometimes you'll be able to do that, or you go through them mentally while you're in that situation. So you're working at it as it's happening. You're changing as something new but similar is happening. And that is a very, very, very powerful— Way to change and change quickly and change faster in your processing. Awesome. Awesome. So a lot of master worst case scenario thinkers, some not master worst case scenario thinkers, which is good. That's great. That is totally great. That's awesome. Jen sharing, I used to be, but I'm getting much better at it. At times it comes up, but not as much. That's awesome. That's awesome. And again, for those of you not worst case scenario thinkers, that's good news. That is good news. And you could still use this skill. You don't have to be a master worst-case scenario thinker in order to use that skill, in order to be in that moment. It's not that different from just talking about self-talk in order to be in that moment and say, okay, hey, listen, things are different. Here's why. Here's the work that I've done. Here's what the past situation was. Here's what this situation is. Here's how they're different. Joe, that's awesome. Honestly, Joe's sharing, I've turned off notifications for almost everything. I'm not going to stress over a Facebook post that really doesn't matter. That's a beautiful And very, very healthy thing to do. Love it. I love it. Cool. Ah, flashcards. Maybe. Amazing, amazing, amazing. All right, so last little topic, and then we can move into a Q&A for those who have questions on anything that we talked about here. How to meet sober, healthy people anywhere. This is a common objection to a lot of different things that I've worked with, with people, specifically sobriety, right? So this question really comes out of the need, the want for sobriety. And the question or the objection is typically, My social life revolves around drinking. Get off work and my coworkers and I, we go out and that's how we spend time together. We spend time together in bars. There's nothing else to do in my town except go to the bar, right? And of course I can't guarantee this, but my assumption is going to be if there's a bar in your town, there's probably also maybe, I don't know, a bowling alley or I mean, a movie theater or a diner. Does every town have a late-night diner? I know so many towns have a late-night diner. I know there are fewer and fewer in the world today. We grew up in my town, there was one diner, 24-hour diner. It's awesome. It's always someplace to go and get a cup of coffee. That's awesome. And so, what this is, and excuse my bluntness and hug kicking the butt moment, is an excuse to stay where you are. I want to get sober, but that's how my friends drink. I want to get sober, but that's how I interact with my coworkers. I want to get sober, but there's nothing else to do in my town. Everybody drinks. Could it possibly be true that every single person, every single person in your entire town or surrounding towns drink and spend their time at bars? No, right? Not absolute. Not absolute. One of the things that can be a little tough in regard to sobriety is the social aspect of drinking or the social aspect of being healthy, right? Maybe you have a lot of friends that overeat, that watch a lot of movies, that play a lot of video games, or just have an overall unhealthy lifestyle, don't exercise, don't take care of themselves. You ever heard the saying, you're the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time around? Or someone say, Show me the 5 people you spend the most time around and I'll tell you exactly who you are. I'll show you your habits. I'll tell you exactly who you are. There's truth to that. There's truth to that. Our brains are mirrors. We mimic the people around us. And so, what do you think we need to do if we want health and we want sobriety? What do we need to do? What do we need to do? We need to get around different people. We need to get around different people, right? And, that's a simple thing to say. And, Not as simple to do because my coworkers go out, right? Well, you have different goals than your coworkers. Maybe for them, going out and going to the bar is okay for them. But for you, if you're stumbling upon this, it's not. Maybe the unhealthy people in your life who don't exercise and don't take care of themselves, maybe that works for them. Probably not, right? But maybe that's what they want to do, and that's okay. But for you, you're stumbling upon something here. You don't want that. You want a different kind of future. And so if you want a different future, you need to take different actions, which means we need to get around sober, healthy people. And I promise you, there are sober, healthy people in your town. Once you start to ask, once you start to look, they are there. They are everywhere, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. You're not going to find them in the bar. You're not going to find them there. You're not going to find them in the sugar section of the grocery store. That's not where they hang out. That's not where they congregate. Maybe you'll find them at the bowling alley. Maybe you'll find them at the movie. Maybe you'll find them at a healthier store, right? Maybe you'll find them at Trader Joe's or a healthier section of the store. Now, the cool thing about the age that we live in is the internet, and there's a ton of groups on Facebook just like this group, ton of groups on Facebook that are more local groups. And so you might even just be able to go on, not even leave the seat you're sitting in. Go on Facebook. I mean, if you're looking to meet sober people, depends what that is, but just people that live a different lifestyle than you're living right now, whether it's alcohol or drugs, you might just want to go on AA's website. Even if you don't want to do AA, you're going to find where they do meetings. That's where these sober people congregate. That's where more healthy people are going to congregate, right? So it's just going to show you, hey, they're here. Who are they? And where else do they congregate? And how can I get myself in that situation? So you go on Facebook and you just look. I mean, whatever your thing is, maybe you're vegan or you're vegetarian. Vegetarian, just type in vegetarian in your town and there's probably going to be a group about it. If not, you can be the one that makes the group. You can be the one that starts this. Now, this shouldn't be your ultimate goal to change everybody, but maybe you say to your coworkers, hey, listen, I love hanging out with you guys, but I need to change my lifestyle. And you don't have to tell them why, but here's why. I want a different future. I want to be there for my kids, or I want to be there when my grandkids get married. And right now I'm not on a good path. I have a lot of drinks in the week, and, you know, my doctor said that something needs to change because I need to get healthy. And if they are true friends of yours and they care about you, they're going to support you in doing that. Now, what's also going to happen is you're going to get some negative feedback because even if they care about you, they love you. They want— they love you and they might want what's best for you deep down, but they also want things to not change. Oh no, we're going to miss you, right? We're going to miss you. Don't do that. That's crazy. You don't drink too much. We all drink this much. It's all right. It's good. Don't worry about it. Right? So you need to have a really strong conviction in what you're doing and why you're doing it. And again, it doesn't have to be your ultimate goal. But I want you to build conviction enough to be confident enough to say, hey, I need to make a change. Even if nobody else makes a change, even if I am making this change on my own, I'm going to be the beginning of this change. And go and start a softball league, start a kickball league, start a late-night decaf coffee meetup, start a book club. I promise there are things like that probably already going on. If not, build the conviction and the confidence And do it yourself because you are going to feel so much better at the end of the day, end of the month, week, year, lifetime that you did what was best for you. You have different goals than your friends. You have different goals than your coworkers, different goals than your family. That's okay. In order to achieve your goals though, you need to take different actions than them. If you have different goals and you're taking the same actions, you're going to get their result, right? If you have different goals and you're taking the same actions as them, You're going to get the same result as them. All right, does that make sense? Let me know if that resonates. Yeah, Jen sharing, you're the sum of the 5 people you surround yourself with. That is very, very true. I have found that true thus far in my life in regard to mindset, in regard to exercise. That's why I love working out with boot camp, with— because it's a bunch of women. It is so inspiring because it shows me all of these women in my local area. That are taking care of themselves. I love that. I love to spend time around people who are working to better themselves, who are working towards a goal, who want something different, who want to be healthy. That makes me so happy. Now, if I didn't get up and do that, I would have no idea where to find these people. Maybe I would go to a local gym, but if I go to a local gym at 5 in the morning, and I've been to some local gyms, there's like maybe 1 or 2 other people there. And so I might think, I might think, well, Well, nobody is healthy. Nobody's taking care of themselves. And it's just that I don't know where to find them, but they're out there. I promise you that. I love this. Bonnie sharing, we like doing a game night. This is a fun thing. Everyone getting together with snacks and board games. That's a great thing to do. So you can kind of start to host something. You can host something. You can be the beginning of this. You don't have to wait for something to, to happen there. Joe, that's awesome. It's awesome that you don't find yourself in those places. Jen sharing, I've met others through personal development programs and in groups online for gratitude and for healthy eating. That's awesome. I don't even know anyone in the new communities I'm surrounded by as pandemic happened after we all just got here. So all communication and meeting people has been online. Also, I'm taking an online training program and involved in a group mastermind as well. That's awesome. So you can meet people online as well that are, that will have an impact on you. that can inspire you. Back to our first point here, do things you enjoy. I'm in a golf league, right? That's how I make time for myself once a week. I golf 9 holes. My mom's in that league too, and it's awesome. And guess what? I get to meet people who like to be out and active. Some of those women play golf 4 or 5 times a week, and they're not sitting on the couch watching TV during that time at least, right? So it's little things. Do things you enjoy, and it doesn't have to be crazy social. If you're a social person, do things you enjoy. There are groups, That here's what happens typically. You start, you do something you enjoy, you ask around about a local golf league or a local— there's so many niche groups, a local knitting. We have knitting guilds here, a local crochet club. And then what happens is you go and you meet people and they open up more doors and they say, hey, I'm also in this club that meets on Tuesday nights. Or, hey, would you be interested in this thing? And it just opens up and it starts to show you where all these sober, healthy, or people that are interested in the things you're interested in are. It's a really cool thing. So I love that, Jen. That's awesome. So Lorena's hearing yes, except they don't necessarily want to spend time with me, right? And so what I would think about, Lorena, is, and just because you brought it up and kind of out of seeing if there's something a little deeper, is that the truth, right? Is that like reality? Like that's what's been said? Like, hey, we, I don't, I want, I wanna spend less time with you.

Yeah.

Or is that maybe something that's coming from us? We feel like people don't wanna spend time with us, or maybe are they not quite the right people, right? Something to think about there. Some people, I have some friends that once a year is perfect. Perfect. I have some friends that I can hang out with every single day or every single week, right? And it might just be different based on the person, and that might be something to learn based on the person, based on the relationship. But it might also be something to think about. Is that just coming from me and something that I'm bringing forward maybe as a fear or something underlying? Or am I maybe not quite with the right group of people, the right tribe? You know, am I, am I trying to, I don't know, fit in with, with not the right people? Because there are going to be people that absolutely want to spend time with you and enjoy spending that time with you. And they're out there. Promise you they're out there. So it's something about learning that. Awesome. So if you have any questions, feel free to get them in. Awesome job with these topics here today. Like I said, we covered 3 different topics that were submitted Over the past number of weeks, and they were voted on by some of you. Of course, they were also submitted by, by you, but they were voted on by some of you, but they weren't the most voted topics. So I wanted to make sure we got them in, in some way, shape, or form, because some of them have been up on the board there or in the survey there for a while. So I wanted to make sure we got the opportunity to cover those at least a little bit. Of course, we can always cover them in more depth or in a different way. So if you have any questions, Feel free to ask them in the chat box there. Amazing, amazing job today. Now, next week is a bootcamp week. Next week is a bootcamp week. Brad and I are discussing what we wanna do. We're gonna put a survey out over the weekend to figure out exactly what topic that we're gonna cover next week in our bootcamp week so that we can vote on it. And we have some special events coming up. We have a community social hour coming up in a couple of weeks. We have Ryan's next session coming up in a week or two. We have game night coming up next week. We have our 100th Recovery Secrets session coming up, which we are so, so excited about. So a lot of things to do, a lot of things coming up. If you haven't, you don't have to RSVP to them, but you can go in the events section in the Facebook group and you can RSVP to them and kind of figure out what they're all about. We are so, so excited for that. So any questions, get them in. If not, that is okay. Amazing job. Like I said today, amazing, amazing job. Mimi sharing an example of the flashcard idea. So special toolbox. So that's flashcard 1, right? Breathe, visualize controlling the situation, countdown from 20 very slowly with each breath, and singing. And then next, sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. So, right, sing a song, sing a familiar song. That's great. Flashcard 2, catch the emotions when they're small. Love that one. Love that one. Number 3, inevitable pain is the first dart. Don't create other darts, self-inflicted ones by panic. That's an amazing one, Mimi. Number 4, visualize myself going through it successfully even if triggered. Another amazing, amazing one. That is— this is the epitome of what we're talking about there in that second point. And then number 5, slow down leads to better decision-making. Pause. Hold on. I will literally say that in situations. I'll say that to myself. I'll say it out loud. I'll say, all right, hold on, hold on. Pause. Pause. Let's take a step back. Let's take a deep breath. Let's figure out If we're thinking clearly so that we can make the right decisions. That is an invaluable skill to build. Hold on, pause, stop. Is this really what we wanna do? That helped me tremendously in my sobriety. Hold on, stop, pause, stop. Just telling myself stop because we just build this momentum and that momentum is gonna take us and take us. And if we can just get ourselves, stop, hold on, stop. That's a great thing to do in a conversation, maybe a fight. Maybe you start to feel yourself getting a little riled. And this was another one of yours, maybe.

Yeah.

Catch things when they're small. Hold on, hold on. Let's, let's take a break for a minute. Let's take a step back so we can, we can think clearly. Awesome. I love it. I've learned we earn our way into the tribe we want to travel with. You are worthy of a supportive community. Absolutely are. Absolutely. And this is an amazing community as well. And we have people all over the world here, but it doesn't stop it from being a community nonetheless, and one that you can interact in. And you can go to game night, you can go to the social, all sorts of things that we do. A lot, a lot going on in this community. There's a lot of sober people in this community. There's a lot of people working towards sobriety, just beginning their sobriety journey. There's the majority of them working on recovery, right? Working on healing. That's a really very, very cool community to be in. Surrounding yourself with people who get better and who are working to get better is truly invaluable. So we'll give another minute for questions. If not, we'll wrap up. Amazing, amazing job here today. Amazing job here this week. I'm so looking forward to next week's boot camp, whatever it is, because it's always a ton of fun to do a deep dive with you all on a topic and all the events that we have coming up. So you can look forward to those, mark them in your calendar, put them— be there. It's going to be fun. It's going to be awesome. Brad and I are going to be there and have fun as well. This lovely man over here sleeping on the couch is going to be there, which is awesome. And he likes game night. He likes everything because he gets Cookies after we work. So the more events that we have, the more cookies he gets. He doesn't get cookies though; he gets slices of B A N A N A S. So enjoy the day, enjoy the weekend. Look out for that poll tomorrow or the day after to vote on our boot camp for next week. Like I said, amazing job. Remember, recovery is out there for you. It's waiting for you. Only you can get it. You're the only one on the planet that can get it, which means nobody can take it away. So keep taking action. I love you. I believe in you at the very highest level, and I will see you all bright and early on Monday morning. Bye everyone.

Hey everybody, thank you so much for listening to this podcast. If you want to learn more about how you can coach with me directly, there's a link in the description you can check out. There's absolutely no pressure. The main thing is I wanted you to get value from this episode here, but I hope you have a fantastic day and I'll see you in the next one.