Fear of Abandonment? 13-Minute Coach’s Playbook to Freedom

What's up? I made this video for you if you are someone that people come to when life gets messy. Maybe you've sat in a church lobby or a coffee shop or your car after service while someone shared something deep and raw with you. Maybe they said something like, hey, I know God's with me, but when my husband pulls away, I panic. Or my best friend didn't reply, I instantly assumed she's done with me. Or maybe you've heard, I feel so needy, I hate that I always need reassurance, it's embarrassing. And something in you didn't flinch. You stayed. It wasn't crazy to you. You listened, you held them in that moment, and even if you didn't know exactly what to say, you were still able to stay present. If that's you, this video is for you. Today I wanted to walk you through how to coach someone through one of those most sacred emotional struggles that people face, and that's the fear that love is going to leave. Not through advice, not through fixing, but through the kind of presence that rewires a human heart. So let's be clear, like, this isn't just emotional neediness. This isn't just immaturity. It's what John Bradshaw called the soul wound from misattunement. One of the most important things you'll help people with as a coach the fear of abandonment is not born from logic. It's born from lived experiences, experiences that taught them to be afraid of this happening again. A dad who was physically there but emotionally shut down. A mom who soothed you sometimes but exploded unpredictably. Or maybe a pastor who poured into you, and then when you got honest, that same pastor ghosted you. Or a boyfriend that said forever and then disappeared. Those things, they get stored in the body. Pete Walker, uh, he calls it an emotional flashback. That's where the current relationship is being filtered through the pain of old relationships. It shows up in ways that people don't always recognize. It's not always someone sobbing or visibly breaking down. I think we always think like if there's some big, like, visibly, uh, you know, big emotion, then that's, that's what it looks like. No, sometimes it's actually just the overthinking or the constant self-editing or the sudden coldness or withdraw in a moment, or the way someone apologizes over and over again for having feelings at all. People who carry this fear don't always need advice. They need presence. They need a witness who won't leave. I know for me, I was a people pleaser all the time. I remember constantly feeling like I needed to be the entertainer in my friendships. I needed to be the funny one. I needed to be the one that was encouraging, loving, kind, was always like, you know, always on, you know, spiritually on. I just had this feeling like I could never share my stuff with people. The moment I did, like like they would leave. And it all went back to me being a little boy. And I remember this all throughout 5th, 6th, 7th grade. I remember being alone on the school playground. I remember being alone at the school lunch tables. I remember playing with a hacky sack alone at school all the time. I remember friends not knowing how to connect with me. That went on for a while. And, and at, uh, at junior high, uh, you know, the, the junior high youth group that I went to, I made up stories. I acted like I was somebody else. I used stories from kids that I went to school with. And, you know, owned them as my own. And, and kids would laugh and kids would invite me to parties. And I attributed that acceptance to the stories I made up and the personality that I made up. And I, I learned to perform and I became funny. I watched movies and I would like study the way that people made jokes and I became funny and I started making funny jokes in class and I was accepted for all these things. And it became this thing where I was like, I can never show my true self. And I lost myself in the process. I really did. And I didn't know that that people pleaser part of me was actually an intense fear of abandonment, right? And a lot of people don't— they, they think that them being loving or them being funny, it's just a personality thing. Sometimes it's a huge protector from that abandonment we feel so afraid of. In Psalm 27:10, David says, though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. The Hebrew word used here is pronounced azav. It means to abandon, to let go, or to refuse care. And in Hebrews 13:5, the Greek word used in that is pronounced enkathelepo. Okay, I think I said that right. Probably not, you Greek, you know, philosophers out there. It means to leave someone behind when they're vulnerable. So when God says, I'll never leave you or forsake you, he's saying, I will never leave you like that. And yet most people's bodies don't believe him yet. You might sit across from someone who's been a believer for 20 years, knows all the verses, you know, still spirals into shame or panic when someone doesn't text them back. Why is that? Is that because they have bad theology? No, it's because healing doesn't just come through knowing scripture. It comes through experiencing presence through someone staying long enough for truth to sink in. It comes through Jesus, knowing that Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, staying long enough for us to know he won't leave us. When you, the coach, stay in that moment without flinching, without fixing, you become an echo of the gospel itself. The gospel is the source of staying. So let me show you what abandonment fear sounds like. It like, I'm sorry, I'm probably annoying you. I shouldn't need this much reassurance. Or, I know I sound crazy, I'm just used to being left. Or, I'm afraid I'm too much. You know, those are the things that fear of abandonment sounds like. And what you need to know is this: they're not reacting to you. They may be projecting it onto you, but they're reacting to everyone else who came before you and didn't stay. I mean, I can't tell you how many clients I've worked with that the second they start crying, they're like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Or I've had somebody that like, we're 5 minutes into the session. They're like, okay, let's move on to somebody else. I know I'm taking up so much time. And you're like, what? They're there. And it's like, you might be in a group session and they're like, we're 5 minutes in. You're like, we're worried about taking up someone else's time and they're trying to move on. And I have to correct them and go, hey, this isn't your Zoom. This is my Zoom. This is my meeting. And I control when we move on to the next person and we're not moving on from you. Like, you're not taking time. I'm not a powerless victim to you taking my time. I chose this time to stay with you and I want to be here. So I want you to know that I'm not a victim to your pain that you're sharing. I want to be a part of it. You know that? And when I share that with someone, oh my gosh, the way it lands, they're like, okay. I'm like, so you do not need to apologize for me deciding how I want to spend my time and capacity and energy. All right? When I tell someone that, they feel it in their body. This person is powerful enough to let me know they're staying in the midst of my pain. But you can tell through their language, you know, they're apologizing like they're taking too much time. These people are afraid afraid of being a burden. If I'm a burden, people will leave me, and so I need to be a gift to all mankind. If they don't ever get to be small and be loved— and that's the only way you can be loved, is if you are small and you're in need. And I also— I've heard people so afraid of being narcissists. Narcissists are not afraid of being narcissists, okay? Narcissists don't care. They just are an all-consuming fire, and they are so deeply unaware and are in denial to the fact that they have a vacuum of need that they want the world to fill. They're so unaware of it. People pleasers think that they're narcissists all the time the second they have a simple need. And it's like, no, you're not a narcissist. That's a real need. It's legitimate. Sometimes what can happen with these people is they have so much pent-up need that in a moment it will all come out, and it does feel like a lot in that moment when they're projecting it onto one person. It's not that their, their needs are bad, it's that they haven't shared them in proper context with their friends all leading up to that moment, and so it's become this pent-up dam that bursts on one person. But I digress. John 1:14 says, "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us." God didn't send a solution. He sent himself. He moved toward pain. He stayed. As a coach, this is your job, to move toward pain without trying to erase it. I know, tough, right? How can I sit with someone and not try and fix them? John Bradshaw, he said, "The real pain isn't just loss. It's the loss of being understood, of being attuned to." We think that someone has to be physically abandoned for them to have real legitimate abandonment pain. That's not true. And this is what people are aching for, is to be attuned to, to be loved, to be held instead of hurried, to be heard instead of fixed, to be received instead of rescued. You don't need the perfect words. You just need to stay. And when you stay, your nervous system becomes the first safe space they've ever known. So let me give you a coaching framework that we teach in Coach Launch, which is a program that we have to train faith-based life coaches. It's a 4-step approach for walking someone through abandonment fear. Okay. The first thing is naming the younger part. You help them notice like which part of this person is being activated. Like how old does this part feel? So when I mentioned earlier that I remember being a 5th grader, 6th grader, being alone— when I get triggered in moments in a relationship and I feel that abandonment pain, it's usually a younger version of myself that is coming to the surface, and I feel that big pain. So it's like I might feel like a small little pain from somebody like just walking away from me in the middle of like a coffee conversation or something, but it feels like a big pain because that little boy is getting triggered and feeling like, oh my gosh, they're leaving me because I'm not enough. There's a larger thing getting triggered in that moment. And so you want to name that part. How old does this part feel? What does this pain remind you of in your childhood? What's he or she afraid of is the next question. You know, another question would be like, what, you know, what did he or she learn that she had to do to be loved? And this is where you think about the protector. So for me, it was I learned to fake it. I learned to be someone else. I learned to put on a performance. I learned to put on a mask, right? That's a big thing that you want to uncover because you want to separate the, the little boy or little girl that needs to be loved from the protector that came in at that time. And so that language comes from inner child work, reparenting, trauma-informed care, but it's deeply biblical too. It's God's way. He meets us where we are, not where we should be. He even says in Matthew 18:3, Jesus says, you'll by no means inherit the kingdom unless you're converted and become like a little child. It's important that we get in touch with our inner child. To be able to find the safety and love from God. Number 2, soothe the nervous system. Regulation creates conditions for healing, you know. So putting your hand on your heart, it's a somatic thing that you can do. It helps you get in touch with your heart. You say, I'm safe now, right? You tap your legs, you come back into your body. That's like if you're immediately in trigger. We're not teaching bypass here, we're teaching embodiment. As your clients become— your clients or these people you meet with become more regulated, their heart opens. Third thing, invite Jesus into it. You know, you don't have to be like, okay, sit there, um, your hands are there, and okay, Jesus walks in, and do you see him there? It's like, that's one way to do it. You don't also have to force the moment. Just like, ask Jesus, where were you when my little boy or little girl felt alone? Because what we do is we create these narratives where God's not even involved in it, which is not true. God is there all the time. So we create these false narratives. So it's important that we hear from God where he was the whole time. And guess what? He's usually with in the moment, feeling with us, hurting with us, compassionate towards us. And then, Jesus, what do you want him or her to know, right? What's true about her in your eyes? What's true about him in your eyes? Let it be slow. Let it be sacred. Let it be real. Just engage God in the moment. It's so crazy when you do this, your clients will hear God. It's insane. This isn't about creating a high, all right? It's about revealing truth in the places where it was missing inside of the narrative that the person formed. Number 4, rehearse secure attachment. This is where it becomes practice. All right, ask for connection without apology. I tell people all the time, okay, I want you to go into this environment that you're normally an entertainer and stop being an entertainer. Oh my gosh, that's terrifying. I want you to start sharing that you have a need in certain contexts. I want you to say you want to do something when you would normally just shut down your voice have an opinion about something, don't apologize for it. Receive love without earning it. Okay? So if somebody loves you, don't reciprocate. Just see what happens. Stay open when others pull away. You know, I'm not saying do that forever where you become this person that doesn't love others when they love you. I'm not saying that. I'm saying like there are— there's a time and a place to let love land and not feel this compulsive reaction to have to give it back or to have to say sorry or to have to— it's like ending those things for a season so you can feel like, okay, I'm learning to be okay inside of my own body and learning to love myself. In the midst of the shame spiral when I can't control somebody staying. Speak your needs clearly, not manipulatively. These are all things that you can tell your clients or a person that you're helping in this type of situation. You might have to walk through this with them a dozen times. Okay, I promise you, you probably will. That's okay. Healing doesn't move in straight lines. It moves in spirals. I know so many people that practiced these things and learned to have a voice in relationships. I know people that confronted their parents for the first time and now as a result have extremely connected relationship with mom and with dad when previously they wanted to move across the country to be away from them because they couldn't be with them and be okay. Now listen, if you've made it this far in the video, I want to say this. There's a reason this resonates so deeply. It's because you've lived this. You've been the one who needed someone to stay and maybe they didn't, but you're becoming the person you wish you had. And that's the call. You don't need to be louder, stronger, or more polished. You just need to be present. This world doesn't need more experts. It needs more witnesses, more people who are willing to sit in sacred places, hold tension, choose love instead of control. So wherever you're at in your journey, whether you've coached people before or you're just now realizing like this is in you, take this as a confirmation. You're not crazy for caring this much. You're not too tender. You're not too deep. You're made for this. We see you and we're with you. I'll see you on the next video. Hope this was helpful.