In this video, the presenter explains how parents can shift their perception of teenage behavior by considering underlying psychological factors. Using an anecdote about misinterpreting aggression, she introduces Erikson’s Stage 5 (ages 13‑19) as a fluid period of moving from dependence to independence. She outlines three core dynamics of adolescence: (1) the drive for independence creates a need to fit in, making exams a high‑stakes social judgment that fuels anxiety and leads teens to seek control through safe‑zone behaviors (e.g., isolating in their rooms, controlling food intake). She advises parents to respect these safety zones and set boundaries rather than force immediate change. (2) Increased choice awareness triggers conflict; teens resist direct instructions, perceiving them as threats to autonomy. The presenter recommends framing guidance as choices with clear consequences and delivering messages through relatable stories rather than commands. (3) Adolescents experience a compressed perception of time, viewing short‑term events as monumental, unlike adults who can see a longer horizon. Parents should use stories to convey long‑term perspective and reassure teens that exams are not make‑or‑break events. The video concludes with an invitation to join an "Exam Stress 101" Facebook group for further discussion and support.
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Hi there. Now I am wondering, have you ever been in a situation where you've built a perception of someone based on what they're doing, to then receive another piece of information which influences those feelings that you have towards the person? So let me give you an example, something that happened to, to me recently. I saw someone behaving what I perceived to be very inappropriately. They were very aggressive, being very emotional towards someone else, and it led me to think, wow, that person's really aggressive. But then I found out that that person had just received some really sad news. They were in a traumatic situation, and straight away that little piece of information changed my emotions from thinking, wow, they're really aggressive, to actually feeling a huge amount of empathy towards that person, feeling pity for the situation that they were in. And really, that's very much about what I want to talk to you on this video. It's to give you some information that may help that change in you, that changing from feeling how your teenager may be behaving now to something where you may be able to feel very differently towards it. And this is all based around a piece of psychological theory. There's a guy called Erikson who's a big name in the psychology world, and he came up with a process called the 8 stages of psychosocial development. Stage 5 is between the ages of around 13 and 19. Now, that was his theory. It's recognized now that that needs to to be very fluid. It might start a bit later, it certainly can go on a lot longer. But it's the phase that we relate to typically in our language as adolescence. And there are 3 fundamental things that are going on at this stage, which is really much to do with rewiring that's going on at the subconscious level. Your adolescent won't be aware of it, but they will be aware of how it is making them feel, and it will certainly influence Their behaviour. So the first thing is during this phase of adolescence really sees a significant movement from a dependence to independence. So age 11, 12, the children still are, still are very much dependent on you as parents, on their teachers, on the school environment. It gives them a high degree of control, or their environment is very much controlled. However, as they migrate through this stage, an increased degree of independence starts to come in. So just the movement to a secondary school can start to heighten their degree of independence. Then moving into the 16, 18, as children are moving on to perhaps college, university, perhaps even into the working world, that degree of independence is escalating significantly. And that's not a bad thing. However, we as Human beings are pack animals, and what tends to happen as this movement to independence happens, as children realise that they have more responsibility for their own choices, there is an underlying need to also fit in. So the children are going to be looking at, how is society judging me? How am I fitting in as I have to take on more responsibility for what I do? And this is where the whole exam stress issue tends to have a big, big influence, because exams are a hugely quantifiable means of society judging that individual, that teenager. It's a way of saying you have this level of academic skills, you have this level of academic ability. And so in that adolescent mind, this makes a exams a huge risk, a huge risk factor, because their perception is, I am going to be judged based on how I perform at this particular time, whether it's GCSEs, A-levels, or the exams either pre or post those 2 key areas in adolescent development. And so the children are going to be going, well, I know who I am now, but how is society going to judge me? How are these exams going to mean how I fit into society in the future? And that adds a massive pressure, a massive vulnerability. And vulnerability is where anxiety lives. It's where it grows from. The natural response to anxiety is the desire to get control. But there's a limit as to how much control the teenagers can have in their lives. So they will cling and create control in areas that they can. This leads to behaviour that you may be familiar with, such as shutting themselves in their room. Their room becomes the safe zone where they can control their behaviour. They don't have any judgement outside of that room going on with them. They may lead to controlling what they're eating, perhaps eating certain foods or not eating enough. It's a source of control. The good news is, is this will end when the exam press is over. The chances are there's every possibility that, that behaviour will start to change as well. So my message to you at this phase is rather than constantly asking the child to leave their room, to come and join you downstairs, to not eat that, you know, 46 cans of Coke that they think they need, is to back off a little because that is what is giving them security and safety at the moment. Respect that, appreciate that, found the boundaries between the two of you, that allows that to work. The second thing that arises within this phase of adolescence, again relating to independence, is the issue of choices. As the child becomes more independent, they become aware that they have more choices, more choices over what they do, how they live their life, and it's a new experience for them. What this can then lead to is what you may be experiencing in terms of the conflict. the constant head-to-head, because what is happening is they enjoy this new power, this new ability to make choices. If you then, as a parent who still have the absolute best for your child in mind— they don't see it that way. The way they read it with their subconscious mind is you're restricting their choices, you're telling them what to do. So what they're going to do? They're going to resist it, because their interpretation, their perception is If I do what you're saying, it's not my choice, it's your choice. You're not giving me the freedom of choice, therefore I have to do something else because I want to have the independence of choice. So the way that I can suggest that you work around this is avoid telling your teenager what to do. Express things in terms of choices with an obvious indication that there are good choices and there are bad choices, and with every choice there are implications. Something that I find very successful with my own teenagers and with the teenagers that I work with is to tell things in terms of stories. They will have the intelligence, the ability to see the message in that story, but a story is very different to a direct instruction. So you may say things like, you know, I remember when I was a teenager, I felt like this. I thought the exams were the be-all and end-all, And actually, I didn't do very well in my exams, but what I know now is there was always something else. There's always a way around this. Exams are just a journey. It's— you're not at a crossroads. It's not a one route or another route. It's a route that you can divert back into where you want to go. It may be that if you fail one exam, you can redo it, which will take you to even somewhere different, somewhere better than where you would have gone If you hadn't have taken— if you hadn't have made that mistake. So start to talk to your children in terms of stories rather than direct instructions. That will help to reduce the conflict. And finally, the third thing, and the third thing is all about timing. There is evidence now that an adolescent's perception of time is completely different to an adult perception of time, and you may relate to this yourself, that I can certainly remember As, as a teenager, the 6 weeks of school holidays seemed to go on forever, whereas now 6 weeks goes in the blink of an eye. And that is because there are chemical changes that go on in the brain that lead to a different perception of timing as we age. So as adults, we have an understanding of 30, 40 years of our history, that decisions that were made at certain points weren't make or break, there are different routes. We have all of this knowledge to draw on and an understanding that, you know, I've had 40 years, I've got another 40 years to come. Put that and relate that down to your teenager. They've only had 16, 18, fewer years than you. Their ability to see into the distance is also respectively inhibited. They also don't have that knowledge that you have that these particular tests that they're going through now aren't the make or break. There are other opportunities. They don't have that knowledge to draw on. So again, have an understanding of their perception. Use stories again to try and communicate some of the experiences and knowledge that they have that they can draw on and use in their own minds. So 3 very key things to be aware of, and hopefully now that you have an awareness of those 3 things, it will help you to see into your teenager's world in a different way, in a different light, leading to a different set of emotions and reactions between the two of you. Now, if you haven't joined the Exam Stress 101 Facebook group, please do jump over there because that's a forum where we can discuss some of these things, where other parents are joining in and communicating some of the challenges with their teenagers. So please hop over there, join in, and if you have any questions about this video, any comments, that's a great place to post them. So thank you very much for listening. I hope it's helped you, and please do look at some of the other videos that are on this page that are there to help you as well. So bye-bye for now.
