Overwhelmed Every Holiday Season? Here's What to Do

Hello everybody, and welcome to The Advisor with Stacy Chelemy. Today I'm very excited because we have Christoffel here, and he is a coach and a therapist. He is also part of our podcast community. He has his own show on our channel, so I want you to go look for him because he has some great episodes to share with you. And today he's going to talk about how to cope with stress during the holidays. And, you know, everything you learn today, you could probably use these tools, techniques, and strategies all throughout the year. But as you know, when the holidays come, you know, it could be a very stressful time for some. It could be a very depressing time for others. And today, Christoffel is going to go over some of those things and show you great ways on how to reduce your stress during the holidays and maybe bring some happiness and joy into your life so you're not affected by anything that brings any sadness to your life, from maybe losing a loved one to other things that may have happened that bring back memories from the holidays. So, Christoffel, Tell everybody a little about yourself if they haven't heard your past episodes. And let's talk about this because this is a great topic to talk about.

Absolutely. It's a great topic because I think everybody loves holidays somewhere or likes to go on holidays. Who's me? If you didn't see it and didn't hear it from Tracy, I'm a clinical hypnotherapist, psychotherapist. I'm also an executive coach and already doing it something like almost 30 years. So it sounds rather old. Besides that, wrote some books about it. And my passion is actually now to help people to really enjoy life in the way they like to enjoy life. That can be by achieving or just creating happiness or doing the things they really want. There's no one rule for having a happy and fulfilling life. But the beauty is, and just talk about, when you talk about holidays, Everybody likes to have health and wellness. And I was just reading a research document of the Gallup organization that in workplaces and globally, only 23% of the people are engaged in their work.

Wow.

In the States, it's a little bit higher. It's up to 33% in Europe where I'm living. So I'm living in Spain. 9% of the workforce is engaged in their job.

Wow.

That is 1 of 11. But what's happening? And if you look at the factors, most times they're rather stress-related, but they're boss-related, happy-related. And actually, how much can people decide what they want to do and how much appraisals do they get and how much honesty and vulnerability is there somewhere? It almost sounds like a family.

Yeah.

If you put that and say, we're talking about holiday stress, it makes sense. that people have holiday stress. Just imagine you're in the States, it's 2 out of 3. Here it's, uh, 9 out of 10. People are not happy on their work.

Yeah.

So then the moment they could take time off, they like actually to get that the best there is. Okay, I have one year of working now in a not so nice environment and my boss doesn't recognize me and my colleagues are not the best and I don't feel appreciated and I cannot do the things I like to do so that 1 or 2 weeks should be amazing and Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah and New Year should be the best ever. Now, if you already say that sentence, you set yourself almost up for failure because you're going to like to do something you actually don't have in control.

Mhm.

They can have in control which they should take off.

Right.

You don't control the people you're with in the room or have dinner with or whatever. What is their objective? What is their goal? And actually, most people don't know what is then the best holiday for them. Because if I ask you, Stacy, say you would have one week off.

Yes.

What would you define as criteria as this will make it perfect?

So if I had one week off, I think by escaping to somewhere where it's very tropical and serene, where I can see water, Where I could see things that amplify relaxation and peace would make me feel renewed.

Awesome. So you can almost go to the south of Spain, or you can go to the Maldives or to whatever. Yeah, just imagine on a beautiful place where there's sand, beach, water instead of the sun. For some odd reason, the climate change decided, let's tease Stacia for a moment and let's just create 6 of the 7 days rain. And maybe some little storm. How would it affect your, then, your one-week holiday?

I probably would be a little disappointed, but then I would try to immediately try to look at the positive side and just say that I have this time off, I can't do anything about the rain, so I'm going to make the best of it and then try to maybe socialize with others and find other activities that I could do.

Okay. So actually you use the strategy of flexibility. I have an objective, but it's not set in stone that it has to be like this. That's actually a really good strategy. How many people do you think do that or can do that?

I think everybody can do it, but I don't think many do.

Absolutely. Everybody can, but not everybody does.

Yeah.

I remember actually, it is really true. I went 20 years ago into Bonaire for one week. or 9 days of diving and snorkeling. We came there and day 2 or day 3, a tropical storm came in that was not there for 60 years. So the whole island was flooding. The resort we were in was water up to here and was not disappearing because nobody knew from, hey, where should we have the gutters?

Yeah.

And 5 days we had rain and I decided, you know, I'm going to help the owners and just dig some, some, some channels so the water can go out and do something with my time and have a nice dinner. And, you know, and I think 3 quarters of the people in the hotel were really complaining to everybody. Really, you saw their face going from, almost the lips were touching their cheeks from— I still remember at one of the last days I was talking to the owners who we helped a couple of days with digging channels and all the kind of stuff. And actually, they gave us another week of holidays that, you know, you did such an amazing job here. You have 6 days, come over. I mean, it's not paid. That was not my initial idea. And we discussed it and said, Chris, it's so amazing. After one day or within one day, you decided to start helping us and we had a lot of fun. We drank beer together and wine together. We're sitting in the rain together having fun.

Mm-hmm.

And 3 quarters or even more of my guests were just complaining the whole day. He said, so probably you go back with, yeah, you didn't snorkel, didn't dive and didn't do anything, but at least you had something I can still talk about after 20 years.

Yeah.

You probably talk about it in 20 years, still happy. And the other people who were here 20 years will say, I will never go back to Bonaire. Worst holiday ever.

Yeah.

The crux is what you already say is flexibility, but absolutely flexibility in your objectives.

Right.

And it means you cannot plan how people come to your, to Thanksgiving. You cannot plan what kind of weather it is. You cannot plan if you have turkey as raw or not raw. Now it depends on your cooking skills, but you have so many things not in, not in your own hands. If you're not flexible, you just mess it up.

Yeah.

And just imagine, especially I see that always in the holidays, you look at the, the, the, the movies about Thanksgiving, how they could really mess it up.

Mm-hmm.

If you go to almost any movie about Thanksgiving, American movie, you'll see that people come in there with all different kinds of objectives, with all their stress still lingering around.

Yeah.

And somewhere, if it's a Hollywood movie, they end up good. If it's not a Hollywood movie, they end up really bad.

Yeah.

And that's really where it's happening now. And if you go back to when I talk about 3 brains, head, heart, gut, but are actually real brains with different kinds of strategies, right? People are more dominant by the head. And I would not say you are, that doesn't mean it's bad. They like to have organized structure. They like to plan. I once had a partner and she was beautifully head brain dominant, was a chief financial officer. And when we went on holiday, she made an Excel sheet with 3 checklists, really with everything in there that we should do or should take with us. 3 little columns where we had to check if we did it and if it was packed and all that kind of stuff. And it would only give her peace if it had done so. And I would just follow her instructions, tick the boxes. And I learned after the first time that I was screwing up the boxes, that, that is not really helpful for the holidays. Now, if you're more logical dominant, you like to have, it should be organized, it should be planned. And should be following the planning. If it doesn't happen like that, they get stressed.

Yeah.

Their flexibility is less unless they create a plan B, C, and D. But it's then most times has to be done in the preparation.

Right. And I've never—

more heart brain. Yeah. So people are more heart brain. Like I imagined you based on your answer, they like to have people around, they like to connect. So what you said, I like the tranquility, tropical spot, water. Maybe some sun, maybe some things to do and relax. Option B, when one week of rain, you said, I'm going to connect with people. That's a heart-brain connection. That's a heart-brain word. Heart-brain dominant people say, you know, if the weather is bad, I'm just starting to enjoy the people around me because you never know who's actually also sitting there who I never met and probably would never have met them if the weather was good because they would all do your own thing.

Right.

And if you have the flexibility of a heart brain, you can make the best out of it if there are people around. Yes. If you're, if you're, I can tell you, if you're on the Maldives on a little island with, with 30 little cabins, that will not work out for the best because most people come for their honeymoons or something else and they don't like to connect.

Right.

I also have been there and that's not a social place.

Yeah.

tell you. It is beautiful, but it's not a social place. You don't find any. And the horrible thing is they have beautiful bars most times. And really, after dinner, it's totally empty. Almost nobody's there except some people who are from some eastern states, you could say, who love to drink. That's not a nice conversation because they just empty the bars.

Yeah.

The third option is more gut-brain dominant people. They like to have the best vacation, A great experience. It must be super. It must be beautiful. And they already have those expectations. It should be better than if then the rain hits. They are those three quarters of the people that were on that holiday resort in Bonaire because their flexibility is less because they planned something and they paid for it and they want to have it.

Right.

There are more. They like to be in control. They like to dominate. They like to say how things are done. If they have to be flexible, so that means they're in the mercy of somebody else, they suffer.

Right.

As those people have the hardest with changes. So when you put that, say, in holiday breaks over now is Christmas or Hanukkah or just a week off. That means knowing yourself a little bit means, okay, How can I plan or make my holiday actually fit my needs? But also that if there's a plan B needed, that still fits my needs. And so if you like to have a sunny holiday and it's only good if you can sun and dive, then you are totally messed up when there is rain and the mud streams are going into the sea. So you cannot see one hand in front of your eyes. So snorkeling will not happen or diving will not happen.

Right.

So then you have to choose a holiday break, actually, what you could almost say cannot go wrong.

Right.

And create a balance or set your expectation that way that it cannot go wrong. Set expectations that cannot go wrong. You know, I'm happy if I can have a bar every evening. Now that is always happening. That's good. For heart brains, actually, okay, my plan B should be there are people that I can always connect with, right? And for the head brain, it is fun. Okay, I can plan things and my planning somewhere works out in that part. And so say you would have a holiday break, you go to an, um, say an average Asian country, not Singapore, because Singapore is not in that part, not Asian. Singapore is overregulated. But say you go to Malaysia or Indonesia and you're more head brain dominant or to Thailand. You will suffer. Why will you suffer? Because those people don't, don't plan, don't organize so basically. So you have your whole organization, organizational thing done. And they say, oh no, the driver is not coming today. It will be tomorrow. Then the trip cannot go on. Oh, by the way, we said it was this, but that is now closed.

Yeah.

Head brain people suffer there because it's not so organized. It's not so that if you go to Unless you go to the really Four Seasons hotels, you go to, say, a hotel you can more afford, you will suffer again because it's less quality, less organized, less done. Four Seasons are always good. I'm not making any commercials here. Otherwise, you stay at the Hilton or the Westin. Those, those you can always see, uh, recognizable quality. But if you're not, it's happening. So what I see happening is people who take holiday breaks and they don't know themselves what they really want and how flexible they are in their head, heart, or gut, they, they will mess up somewhere.

Yeah.

So knowing yourself makes sense. So if you go in your tropical climate to the Maldives and it's going to rain, And you come over, everybody there is on honeymoon and they don't like to socialize. You will be in your little cabin looking at the water thinking, I cannot snorkel, I cannot sit in the sun. It is tropical rain, but what should I do here? I didn't bring enough books. So the only thing you can do there is probably watching podcasts. And I don't go to the Maldives to watch podcasts.

Mm-hmm.

And so then that is the lesser option.

Right.

If you go, say, to a place where you can socialize, so, and, um, I would say Spain, but it's not because you have to go to Spain. But if you go out to Spain, it's always so, they love to socialize.

Yeah.

Now you're in a safe place, even if the weather turns bad, because everybody likes to socialize there. Same as you go to Costa Rica, it's a little bit more closer to you than Spain, but they're much more social to connect with. Right. The American, the American thinks. So I know I spoke almost 10 minutes about this, but to give you a whole synopsis.

Now, if you're, if you're more dominant, let's say if you're more brain dominant, are there ways that you can teach yourself or learn to be more flexible? Because a lot of people that, you know, that are brain dominant have that Type A personality. So how do you— if that person gets stressed easily and you see them getting stressed all the time, are there things that that person can do to kind of learn how to become more flexible? Maybe use their other brain, which is the heart or the gut, so they could be a little less rigid and not have to have that organized. Everything is organized. Everything is factual. Everything's statistics. I have to have everything perfect and learn just how to enjoy life and not have to have everything so perfect the way they've organized it in their brain.

The, the, the, the, I would say the funny part is almost you just asked this question and I was actually making a presentation for next week for, uh, I'm going to be presenting at a webinar together with my colleague from Norway for Norway Academic Institute about, say, leadership and coaching and also about wellbeing. And the funny part is, um, they talk about, uh, we're going to talk about also what, what are the success rates of, um, how are you going to, uh, create happiness or health? So how, how easily can you change? And I'm just getting right away the statistics there because I know them by heart, but it's nicer if at least you can check them that they are there somewhere. And the funny part is, And when you talk about change, most people, and if you go to a coach or a therapist or somewhere else, they say that they will say 3 things. Most times they will say, uh, do mindfulness, breathing exercises, visualization, visualize you're happy, or maybe meditation. In the coaching world, those 3 are 75% advice. The same actually if you go to therapies and probably your friends say the same. Why don't you do breathing exercises? Visualize that you're whatever you are.

Yeah.

And maybe meditation. Now for Type A meditation, it sounds like, what, I have to sit 20 minutes still? That's almost a no-brainer. Now they actually, and that's the beauty of the ICF research, that's by the way, the International Coaching Federation organization with almost 100,000 members and every great coach is a member of it. They looked at the success rate of it, how effective this is, and actually meditation, visualization, and mindfulness only has an effectiveness of a little bit more than 20%.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And I say, you can say 50% says, yeah, it helps a little bit, but not a lot. So really, if you go to the things that coaches and therapists, not therapists, but coaches and other gurus advise the less, that is actually self-reflection, self-growth, and self-care and designing tailored approaches that fit me. And those have a success rate actually of more than 50%.

Wow.

Um, what do I, what do I like to say with that? So if it is a general advice for people and what they can do quickly is actually really becoming aware what's happening with me. And then you have to go one step back. What do I mean with it? Um, based on positive psychology, Martin Seligman, He researched that somewhere, if you make a rule of thumb, 50% of what we do, and you could say who we are now is based on genetics.

Mm-hmm.

So only 50%. And they did also that research with identical twins who were split by birth by accident or something else. And they, they checked them through their life. So 50% is in your genes, how you are after that. Yeah. Your physical characteristics from as, as a twin are more, but all your mental states are less than 50%.

Right.

So if you talk about A-type, so yes, they could have some genetic, uh, predisposition to be there, but most of this, how they are, you could say, raised, educated, school time, socialized, and what kind of school went they through? How was the recognition of their parents? How were their friends and what kind of work they step in? And if you only train your bicep, then that gets stronger. So what I'm— what I mean with that, if you look at the average tennis player who is playing top tennis, they will— you will see something really remarkable. What do you see? They have one big arm and one lesser arm.

Hmm.

The dominant arm of a tennis player, and Nadal just stopped, just like Federer. If you look at them, you'll see their dominant arm is really You know, it's not huge like Schwarzenegger, but it's really, really, really, really powerful. If you look to the other arm, although they trained it because otherwise it looks strange, you'll see a lesser arm, right? Yeah. And that's, and it, you would not say, hey, Stacy, are they genetically bestowed with one strong arm and one weak arm? No, because everybody would say, no, no, no, Chris, they trained so much their dominant tennis arm that that arm became much bigger, much stronger, and shows much more.

Yeah.

Everybody understands it. Now, this is the same as our mental capacity. A-type personality. Yes, we can see what they did in the learning, but how did they get educated? So they learned coping mechanisms to deal with their parents, their school, their, their work. And those coping mechanisms makes them actually, they now have an issue with just letting go. Because if you did 40 years, you trained 40 years yourself to be left-handed, then being right-handed is really hard. Just like a tennis player.

Right.

For those people, yes, mindfulness visualization helps for the moment and breathing exercise helps you in this moment to relax. But 20 minutes later, you could be just as stressed again.

Right.

It just helps you now. So for those people, I don't wanna say go to a therapist because that's the easy solution. is really to come aware, hey, who can help me to change my coping mechanisms? It needs something like— now, what's the most successful one to change according to International Coach Federation is self-growth. So it means what should I learn to do different? And it is really to learn some coping mechanisms to change.

Right.

And to let go of that controlling dominant, uh, behavior. And it sounds so easy to, but if you ask the average A-type, can you be vulnerable? When's the last time you said sorry? They look at you, vulnerable? Nah, that you have to be strong, Chris, because if you're not strong, you lose.

Right.

Now, I never saw a baby who has to be strong. They're vulnerable like whatever, and it'll survive.

Yeah.

Because mommy and daddy are taking care of them.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So that vulnerability is not something that you can, you can say to people, be vulnerable, but doesn't mean they can be vulnerable because it's not in their coping mechanisms.

Right.

And probably those 8 types are extremely fearful for getting out of the comfort zone because the comfort zone gives them safety. Now stepping out of the comfort zone is extremely dangerous for them.

Yeah.

Of course, they don't know if they have control, if they can be dominating. So they have to be, say, quote unquote vulnerable there. And that's a strategy they don't know. So they really have to start learning it. So, uh, when people have actually— now we talked about holiday stress, what sounds like an easy topic, but as a therapist and coach, I really work with people who said, you know, I went on holidays, it was the most horrible one I ever had, Chris. I planned and I spent $8,000 on one week for myself, and I still have to pay for my partner. So $16,000. And I really think the sentence, and you still had to pay for your partner. That sounds interesting. And I say, Chris, this cannot happen again. I spent such an amount of money. What went wrong? And then really we have to go, okay, how do you deal with coping mechanisms when things don't go as you planned that they went?

Yeah.

And then I have to learn actually new coping mechanisms. So It sounds so easy, but it's really changing your coping mechanisms to let go. If you could not say, you know, if it's raining the whole week in wherever I am, I'm just going to socialize. If you would not have that flexibility, it would be horrible.

Right.

But a lot of those people don't have that flexibility where we spoke about, because flexibility means I learned different patterns and learned different coping mechanisms.

Yes.

But if you're already your whole career in a different path, it's harder to change that because this is how, this is what people say, this is who I am. Now, this is not who you are because we just established that 50% of who you are is actually your gene set and the other 50% is how you made yourself like this.

Yeah.

So I would say, uh, it's easy to do meditation, mindfulness, visualization. It helps. for the short term. It will not survive you the whole week, right? And for that, you need to do something really more profound. Okay, what is really happening? How can I really change my mindset? What can I do and don't do, right? What is actually stopping me from stepping in that different role? Because when I was talking, say, 20 years ago on Bonaire to a couple, they were Americans, not because you're American, but they were Americans.

Mm-hmm.

And I said, You guys, you can also just start helping us, uh, start digging channels. You don't have to work so hard. We have a wine, we have a drink, we have a bite. They take care of lunch and dinner. So we have fun. And really, I still remember the guy looked at me and said, I paid for holidays. I want holidays. And I looked at him and said, now maybe just look up and see how much it's raining. I think nobody here has any control about the rain that's just falling down in this moment. Yeah. Now, if you really like to stick with your old patterns, then you're going to suffer. And he really had something like, he looked at his wife, I'm not going to change. I like holidays. And he just walked away. And I thought, you know, and later in the week I saw him and his really, his face was really on things. And he said, I made a complaint to my company and to the agent. And I made a complaint to this hotel and I made a complaint there and I made a complaint there and I want to have my money back and I'm going to fight and sue them. And I said, so instead of enjoying your time or whatever, you now created so massive stress that you're almost getting a heart attack from it.

Yeah.

And you paid a shitload of money and it's my guess if you get it back and if you get it back, it doesn't make you happy.

Exactly.

And, but that was, that guy was a typical example for me. Now you would say an A-type because I heard that he was director of an ABC company, whatever the ABC company was, and it was his own company and he made a lot of money and He was the boss and everybody did what he said. I said, no, maybe talk to God and explain that the weather should be different.

Yeah.

Well, it doesn't look like there's only one thing. People also should be willing to change, right? Because if you have that mindset of that guy, you will just suffer.

Yeah.

And I think there's a saying, if life throws you or gives you a Apples make apple juice, right? I think it's, I think it's oranges, but okay, who cares?

That's so true. You know, a lot of people, they get set in their ways and they, they think, you know, okay, you know, we talk about mindset, we talk about this, we talk about that. That's, you know, I do that every day. You know, I said that to a Type A person, you know, like, you know, maybe you should look at things differently and start to, you know, do things in a different manner. You know, I already do all everything. I, I do my mindset. I do, you know, positive thinking. I do this. But then the person yet was still suffering, and the person still needed to, um, you know, uh, was just set on what they thought was the right way, and that's all they need to do. So if you have a specific, you know, idea what you think is going to work, but it's not really working, but in your head it has to be done like this, change is not an option because you're not going to let it be an option. And so that person is gonna end up suffering, you know, because of the stress in their life.

And the funny part is, uh, besides people going on holidays, and I think the majority of people go to a place they never have been because you don't go to the same place because I already saw it, you know, you know those people. Yeah, they already went there. So I like to see something new. If you see something new, that means you cannot plan it at all because What's in the brochures or what you find on Google or on Facebook or whatever kind of social media are always the pictures of the beauty or the horrible.

Yeah.

But the in-between story is not there, right? That's how whatever they assume they will get could be massively different. And Google reviews are beautiful, but people put on Google reviews are unhappy or extremely happy. But the majority will not put a Google review. So how trustful are those?

Right, exactly.

Unless, unless a restaurant has 10,000 Google reviews, you can start trusting it. But if it has 40, yeah, whatever. And most hotels or resorts don't have so many. Yeah, you can go to TripAdvisor, right? And the funny part is, I once went also, I went more another time to the Maldives. And on TripAdvisor, it was the best hotel for snorkeling, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It was amazing. It had a 9.5 or something like that. Rather expensive, but okay, then you have something.

Yeah.

Came there. Yes, the snorkeling was beautiful, but what they did not say, and nobody said that on the island, they had half the island was full of sandbags because based on erosion, one part of the island was actually now getting swept away.

Right.

So it was actually, the island was by itself not beautiful at all. So if you had a little walk there, then once half the island, you saw all sandbags, like something like there's, there's a flooding going.

Yeah.

And it's like, okay, I did not see that in any brochure and I did not see that in Google somewhere. Hmm. Interesting. And doesn't mean my holidays were spoiled, but something you don't expect.

Yes.

And I thought, you know, uh, my girlfriend said, what are you going to do about this, Chris? I said, you know, I can look to the sandbags, I can look to the other side. I can just look at the other side. That's okay. I don't have to look at the sandbags.

Right.

But you need that flexibility. But I still know they were there. But okay, I'm not going to look at them because if you look at them, you think, oh, it's not, it's not beautiful. And you create just more unhappiness with yourself. Exactly.

Exactly.

If you go on holidays, be aware, whatever you think it will be, will be probably different, right? Nobody tells you how really full the beaches are.

Yeah.

Or how empty they are. Nobody tells you that. And nobody knows if you have in your apartment above you a family with 4 kids who really are not educated and like to scream like hell. There's one little baby there who likes to scream during the night. That's not in your Google review. You know, the biggest complaint of people in planes is beside drunken people is screaming kids.

Yeah.

And the same is for holidays. If, if in, in the apartment next to is a screaming kid, really your nights are never the same anymore.

Yeah. Very true.

And if you go to say to family gatherings, they are more or less predictable because then you have to think, what's my family? Has my family the same ideas of, of this, of this Hanukkah or this Thanksgiving? And if you really have a close, nice, fine, nice family, you know, it will probably run good. But a lot of the Thanksgivings are actually, you bring the whole family together who didn't see each other for one year. Right. That doesn't mean, and there's a reason why they did not see each other for 1 year or call them at least twice a year.

Uh-huh.

For each birthday. That's why it's twice a year. If, if that's your family structure, they know already when you put yourself together, it is setting up for challenges. Mm-hmm. Because there's a huge change of different kinds of opinions. what should be nice and everybody should adjust. How many times did you hear to, to a family dinner, let's just adjust to keep it nice and happy.

Right.

Now, if the sentence is just adjust to keep it nice and happy, you know, it's not happy, it's not nice because you cannot be who you are.

Exactly.

And that creates also a lot of stress. Oh wow, we're going to have Thanksgiving and Stacy is there. Oh yes, I know. And then she brings her whole freaking family and they're loud because they're, oh, and then she brings her boyfriend who I actually don't like or her husband I don't like. And no, there goes your, there goes your, there goes your, your Hunnica or Thanksgiving. I make you now as an example. Of course, you know, you're great. I love to have good Thanksgiving because you are Stacy. Don't get me wrong. More as an example.

Yes.

And, and that creates so much stress because people actually are setting up something while their head already knows, okay, this will be challenging because we have different kinds of opinions, different kinds of maybe, especially now after the elections in America, the polarization is even bigger. And you don't say on who you voted because otherwise you have almost a family fight. Yeah, your heart says yes, but we like to bond, but actually we don't like to bond because we don't fit together. And the gut brain says, no, I like, I don't like to adjust because I am who I am, right? Setting up for clashes. So you really have to— sorry.

No, no, go ahead, finish.

You really have to start thinking upfront, okay? What is actually, and that's the question most people don't ask, what is really blocking me For having a good time, even if it doesn't work out, as I like that it works out. What is stopping me from having a good time?

Right.

And most people don't think about that because if you, most, most people ask me if I coach people or whatever, especially if I coach people, I never saw, except the real engineers, I almost never saw a manager or hear a manager say to me, Chris, I'm inflexible. All managers think they're flexible and they can bend over whatever. Employees, they said, who said that? He? Now let me laugh again, Chris. Self-perception is most times wrong. Most people think they're much better than they actually are.

Yes.

And on MBAs, 80% of the people think that they're better. The average manager, also 80% thinks they're better managers than they are. Now we're not all managers, but it is a general trend for most people. And it makes sense because if you think you're less than you are, your survival chances in life are less. So biologically, we're predisposed to think that we are better than we are. Otherwise, we'll never have run 5,000 years ago behind that deer. We said, I cannot get the deer, so we don't go for the deer. Now that means you don't have dinner. So you take your chance, even may, it's maybe a hard one, right? And evolution does not go so quick that it adjusted to the last 300 years of industrial revolution we had. That's 300 years ago, the average person became 40 years and after the first 40 years they were dead. Now it's up to 80 years.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, 50 years ago, We didn't have, we had only 2 channels on television and it was black and white. Um, we just discovered that there was, that we could walk on the moon. There was no internet. There was no, yeah, whatevers.

Right.

And we are not adjusted to that on that moment. Evolution-wise, we're not adjusted to that. So, so that part becomes hard.

Yeah. So how do we deal with that? So, you know, there's so many families that get together and there are issues within the family, and a lot of people get stressed out because they are, you know, they know so-and-so is going to be there and, oh, I— that person gets on my nerves, or this person's coming and, you know, I really don't care for them that much, you know. Or they might have a confliction with somebody and they, you know, they don't want to have, you know, have that confliction when they see them, and they're worry that problems might occur. So you have all these different people, and then you have, oh, this one's so opinionated, they always have to, you know, share their opinion, and it annoys the hell out of me. And then you have people that are coming over that are just depressed because they may have lost a loved one, and it reminds them of the good old times. So they're, they're coming over and they're already in a sad mode, you know, and nobody wants to be sad and have to deal with, you know, You know, um, if they're grieving feelings. Yeah. And, you know, and then they say, come on, it's, it's Christmas.

Just cheer up for a moment.

Yeah.

Yeah. But I just lost my partner.

Yeah.

Okay. But come on, it's just Christmas. Get over it. Right. Those are the words you can say to somebody who just lost a dear one. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, and it, it sounds horrible really. Then if you know that you're part of an constellation of that or a family constellation is really to almost seek professional help before you go. And actually, that means first it makes the choice, am I going or not? Am I going to, am I going to put myself in that kind of stress?

Yeah.

Of course you could say it's family, so you have to, but nobody says you have to.

Exactly.

Uh, I would say you're married to your partner, not to your family.

Right.

Black and white. Of course, you and me, I live in Spain and you're coming from also from a culture where Family is far more important.

Yeah.

So it sounds hard, but still it's a choice. Instead, if you have to go there, then really find, and really that means professional help, how I'm going to deal with this. What kind of coping mechanisms do I need to deal with that situation?

Right.

Because if you just have a grieving period, you have to become aware, how do I deal with grieving? Well, Probably a lot of people are not so empathic to deal and, and they just say, get over it. Or I find that really beautiful, opinionated nephew who really thinks that he is better than God.

Mm-hmm.

Still lives on the paycheck of his parents.

Right.

How do I deal with that person? So they need professional help. How, how can you just deal with that? How do you— actually, that means how do you learn to set your own boundaries in a way That you don't right away hate everybody else, but just to say, to say, stop. No, I'm not willing to listen. Or beautiful, that's your opinion in a way that doesn't right away offend everybody else.

Right.

But to keep your own there and setting boundaries is one of the hardest things for most people to do.

Right.

Gut brain dominant persons have less issues. They just say, no, bugger off. This is my spot. I'm not care. I don't care to listen. On the other hand, they don't engage. So they're the, the guy, the persons who have their own drink on Thanksgiving by themselves.

Right.

But if you're, say, less gut brain dominant, heart brains have hard, heavy issues because they like to please. You have to learn, hey, how do I set boundaries in a gentle way? that at least people know, don't cross them without slapping somebody else. And that is actually what in holidays or in those, I teach most people, I teach them or train them or coach them or therapy them on those kinds of things. How do you say boundaries in a gentle way?

Right.

How can you say no without insulting somebody else? Because it's possible to say We're not insulting somebody else. I don't know how your mom was, but my mom was famous. If you love me, you eat my food.

Yeah.

Maybe, you know, those kind of— I see you nodding. And so I learned the hard way and also the smart way. This is an easy solution. I said, mom, um, I always took less on my plate. When I was still young, I was putting a lot on my plate, especially when I started living by myself. I put a lot on my plate and in one plate I had enough. That was easy. But my mom wanted to serve me a second plate. Now I was already stuffed to my throat. So it doesn't fit, mom. And we had a discussion. So I learned easily, how do I say no? I said, mom, yes, please give me a little bit of this, a little bit of this, a little bit of this. I like to taste everything. And then the second time, mom, it's so great. Can I have a little bit more? That's okay. The second plate, still a little bit of things. Oh, freaking mom, this is amazing. Can I have a third plate? My 3 plates were the same as my first plate.

Mm-hmm.

My mom loved me. I thought I was such a good eater. I loved her food. And I found a way actually to say no of having more than one big plate by having 3 small plates.

Mm-hmm.

I set my own boundary, but I communicated in a different way.

Right.

And everybody's extremely happy. And so you also have to learn to put your food on yourself by on your own plate. Because if they— mom still puts on your plate, they still get a massive plate. That strategy doesn't work. So you have to pick it by yourself.

Yeah.

But that's one strategy. But there are so many strategies. You can be gentle to the other, keep them in their value and still say no. And if you know that, say, technique, trick, way to do it, then Thanksgiving, holidays, Christmas becomes fun. Hey, I'm going in Spain also having Christmas. There's a massive amount of Spanish people around me from my partner, right? And they have a lot of nephews and a lot of cousins and it's one big party event. And I know that they have different kinds of ideas than me sometimes, also in what they eat and don't eat.

Right.

They also like to have the suckling pig. So those are pigs within a couple of weeks who are just now then roasted, all of them, and put on the table. Now, really, you cannot really get me more food than seeing a whole little baby pig in front of me and I start eating from it. But that's me.

Right.

I have a different kind of idea. So I learned to say no in a beautiful different way. But, you know, I, I really don't like so much, uh, um, pig. I never eat pig, partly Jewish and those kind of stuff. So they know already that they prepare some other kind of meats for me and you don't put the whole cow on the, on the table. So you just add something like a little steak or something. You get a T-bone steak. That's great. No issue for me.

Yeah.

So they learned in an extremely gentle way. that I like something else. And nobody has an issue with me if I don't eat pig, right? And sometimes they say, Chris, we really dissected the pig for you. Do you still like to have a little piece of meat? And I just get a little plate of them. It's just pieces of meat and I don't see whatever, whatever animal it was. And that's, I'm totally, that's okay for me, right? So we all learned a way how to deal with it without having an issue.

Mm-hmm.

I don't insult them. They don't insult me. And we're all big friends and we have a lot of fun. And they know, they make jokes about me that they don't like to see the whole pig and I make jokes about them that they eat the whole pig and even eat the ear of the pig and we all have fun about it and nobody feels insulted.

Yeah.

But we set, both of us set our own boundaries and don't say anything about that they eat the pig. Don't they, they don't say anything about it. They don't eat pig.

Right.

So it can be done if you do it in a gentle way.

Yeah.

But it's also clarifying what are my boundaries. What is really a no-go and what is a maybe goal?

Yeah.

And how do I communicate those? And that communication is hard because what happens most of the times, people sit there at dinner and then one of the family members starts putting all the things on your plate or whatever they like to say. And then you have to say in that moment, you have to improvise and say no. And that no most times comes a bit harder if people then already go through your boundaries.

Yeah.

If you say, give me a little bit and I put 3 spoons on your plate, then you have to say, no, I said one. Crash. So you have to put it actually before already. You have to tune in there differently.

Yes.

You have to be aware what are my boundaries and say, if somebody crosses my boundary, how do I respond? Say that beautiful, uh, person who is that opinionated person that likes to say something about my hair. Or like to say something about your business. Hey, Stacy, are you still doing that podcast? But there are 5 million podcasts. How can you be good?

Right.

And you think, you know, and you like to say, just say stop while you move your fingers while you know that's not the best.

Yeah.

And then how do you respond to that opinionated person who thinks that he knows better?

Right.

You know, that's okay. And but you have to be then actually prepared. If that opinionated nephew is going to say something about me and being in a podcast, how do I respond to that one? How do I keep my own boundaries there without slapping him right away in the face?

Right.

Um, uh, did you ever see the movie? Let me think. Um, oh shit. This, oh, now I lost right away. His name is Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts when he has a little bookstore.

Oh, I know what you mean.

And she's a famous actress.

Mm-hmm.

He's just at the bookstore and the, anyhow, he, he takes her with her to Christmas or whatever kind of family dinner. And one of the family members is, say, not opinionated, but likes to, whatever he is, likes to be the little guy.

Yeah.

He starts asking Julia Roberts what she's, I'm an actress. Oh, actresses don't pay a lot of money. Oh wow, you don't get really recognized and all that kind of stuff. So he really puts her down and then he asks, what do you make as an actress? And Julia Roberts is just really sweet. So now my latest movie, they have $10 million. See, and he's like, but in a gentle way because she just says really honest what's happening and he feels like, oh shit. Yeah. And it just goes sweetly. That's a beautiful example. She doesn't insult him. She doesn't say, oh, you don't know my moves. You don't know me. Who the hell are you?

Yeah.

She just says when he asks the question, how do you make? She just gives an honest answer. And that moment, that person can bite off all his fingernails that he really was making so many mistakes.

Yeah.

But that is actually, she shows in a beautiful way how to keep your own boundaries, be gentle, don't attack. And just let it flow.

Right.

And later on, we both know what's the name of the movie, and probably your listeners are now all thinking about, and they put probably in, in all the messages, this is the movie, this is the movie, this is the movie.

Yeah. You know, I, you know, it's, it's so funny because these are things that happen, you know, almost in all families. And, you know, they, it's sometimes it's very hard because sometimes you wanna bite your tongue, you wanna say something, but you don't want to, cause any, any problems. Sometimes people say silence is the best answer when you don't feed into it, you know, but then it eats you up inside sometimes, you know, it's like, why do they say that?

You know, I think what makes it easy to become aware, people are always insecure.

Yeah.

And a lot of times jealous. What's the— how do you deal with you're insecure or jealous? What do you think if is actually to start being extremely rude to somebody else and put them down. Like, what's the way to win if you're not better is to put the other person down.

Right.

And for a lot of people, that's a strategy, not because they're mean. I don't say they're mean people, but that's a strategy to get some, to make themselves feel good. But somewhere their self-confidence, their self-awareness Is less and their self-love is also less. Yeah. They have a deep belief, I'm not good enough. And because I'm not good enough, I'm going to give you a hard time, Stacy. So you're a podcast host. How many listeners do you actually have? 6 million? Uh, it's not so much. By the way, it's a freaking amount of number. Yeah. Freaking amazing. But that person is still, oh, it's not a lot. I spoke to, because I know Joe, Joe, whatever the guy was, Joe, Joe Regan has 11 million.

Joe Rogan. Yeah.

The robot has 11 million. So what, what, what, what's your— and so they, and that's not because they like to make you feel bad because they like to make themselves feel good.

Yeah.

So it's actually not about you. So even if you're silent, always have a little thing in my mind, you know, it's not about me.

Right.

It's about them.

Yeah.

And I will not say it on the show, but one of, once, um, one of my coaches and mentors said, Chris, if you go to the bathroom, you become aware they have to sit down because they cannot do standing peeing because it's too small.

Oh, that's so funny. That's so funny.

I hope I said it decent enough on your podcast.

You did.

You did. Let's keep this last time in mind and let's say he said really literally or physical. Let's ask what they have. They, they don't have that self-confidence.

Yeah.

So, so if you keep silence, Oscar, but the, the thing of keeping silence, A lot of times you give them space to hit again because actually they like to have a response. They like that you feel angry or whatever, because then they feel I'm right.

Mm-hmm.

And so then you just think, what kind of answer could I give to them that just feels great? Okay, when's the last time you listened to my podcast? Oh, I don't do that. Okay, now listen once and just give me an opinion. Love to hear your feedback.

Perfect.

Yeah. Because most of them will never listen to your podcast and never saw it, but they still have an opinion about it.

Yeah. I see a lot of people, they, they have opinions about some things and they don't even know what, they don't even know one thing about whatever, but yet they have an opinion.

That's how if you go on those holidays or kind of stress, you know, he's there, she's there, whatever's there, they just come over. Okay. What kind of answers could they give in their opinionated What could I say to them? Or just smile, you know, that's totally okay. How are you doing, by the way? The best thing also to respond most times, I ask them, how are you doing?

Right.

And let them talk and just then listen in your mind. You just do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, listen, 60 seconds, that's enough. Oh, it's so interesting. Thanks so much. I'm going to get a drink.

Perfect.

And walk away because most of those people like to talk about themselves, how good they are.

Yes.

What they did or whatever, that they just invested in Bitcoins and they did an amazing job in Bitcoins. And why didn't you invest in Bitcoin, Stacey, one year ago? Of course I don't. Okay. And they like to show off whatever they have, right? And that's another strategy. Just ask them a question how they're doing. And then you just have to listen and think, okay, my wine is 5 minutes away from me. That's okay.

I love it. I love it.

And that's also a strategy. And my girlfriend finds it amazing because I have that strategy. I just, in a bigger community, I just ask, how are you doing? When they give something away, oh, executive coaching. Yeah, I never use a coach. I don't need a coach. I'm good enough. I'm great in what I do. Oh wow, it's freaking interesting. You're great enough what you do. What do you do? And they start babbling. And after five minutes, wow, it's really interesting. Thanks so much for sharing. Now I'm going to get a drink. I'm going to find my girlfriend.

Perfect.

I find my girlfriend. My girlfriend asked, what did he say? I said, I really don't have an F. I really don't know. What's his name? I really don't know. Because I listen to the first twenty seconds. If it's somewhere interesting, nine out of ten is not. Okay, because they don't like. To engage your and my surface. They don't like to be. They don't like to learn. They don't like to change. Just like to blur.

Yeah.

So there's no need for me to remember it. I just think, you know, in five minutes I can talk to my girlfriend. I can talk to him, or I can have a wine or whatever. So I can have an orange juice, whatever you like. That's okay.

Right.

And the beauty is, you know what the beauty is? Those people, the later ones, you know, I had a great chat with Christopher. Because they could talk 5 minutes and they found it amazing because finally somebody listened to them 5 minutes without saying that they were a beep. So they actually like you.

Right.

Now you probably, the only thing you have to do is remember the name somewhere if they once come back to you. But for the rest, you don't.

Right.

And that's another strategy. You just listen to them for a couple of minutes.

I love it. That's an excellent piece of advice. I love it.

Yeah. Then, um, you don't even have to listen to what they say. You just have to say, yeah, yeah, no, no. Wow. Interesting.

I like that. That's perfect. That's perfect. And that, that takes a lot of stress off just thinking about that. That's, you know, it's a very non-stressful way to have to deal with somebody who is annoying as hell that you don't really care for too much. But, you know, you want to be kind and you want to show some respect, you know, even if they're not showing you respect, who cares? They might be envious, like you said, or jealous of you. So, you know, you just show the better side of you. You don't feed into it. And you ask them about themselves and you just let them talk about their pronouns. Me, me, me, I, I, I, you know, and then you just, you know, excuse yourself and go get a drink. I love it. I love it.

Isn't it the beauty is, Stacy, if you do that later on, they say, no, I spoke with Stacy. She's, she's quite a nice girl. She listened to me and we had a good chat. No, she's quite good. And if they ask, what does she do? I don't know, something with podcasts or something. I don't know. Probably they don't know what you do, Stacy, but they think you're nice. Yeah. At least they will do their PR for you.

Right.

And that's what I learned a long, long, long, long time ago from one of my other mentors. He says, you know, Chris, It's just about creating your own PR. So don't make enemies, make friends, right? Is that— and what I mean with friends is people who just talk positive about you even they don't know anything about you, right? And I always said that takes a lot of energy. I said no, because energy, it takes energy if you really like to listen to them, to understand them, and to engage in a real deep conversation. Then it takes a shitload of energy. But if you just listen and what you said, me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I, I'm so good. And after they stop that somewhere, then you just say, thank you so much, engage somewhere else. And you can easily forget whatever they said. You only have to remember that they said 30 times me and I, and that's okay.

And love it.

That's where a lot of holidays stress the easiest. The only thing is, of course, you must be able just to listen.

Yes.

And it means you could say, adjust yourself in that part of yourself. It's harder, but it keeps at least the less stress in you. If you cannot, if you, if you have to say yes to whatever kind of holiday dinner, then just start enjoying. And like, I'm a therapist and coach. I like to observe people.

Yeah.

So I love it to see them people engage and just start analyzing what are they. Or sometimes even, and that I can do it because it's my job, when I listen 5 minutes to somebody, I said, you know, it's so extremely interesting what you just all said. Wow. Yeah, really? I'm just curious, what do you like to know about me? And that is such a beautiful question because it really throws them off of all the things.

Yes.

Because then they have to really say, what do I like to know about you? I know what a lot of people then do. They disengage and go get a drink. I'd love to listen, but let me first get a drink. And they go for a drink and start talking to somebody else. It's amazing.

I love that. Oh my God, I could see that too, because, you know, they don't really want to hear about you. They just want to talk about themselves. So as soon as you reverse the question, You know, okay, I've, I've said what I have to say. I don't wanna really listen to you. So excuse me, I'm gonna go get a drink.

And I saw it so many times, especially, is a, not the family, in networking events. And when somebody talks about, you think, okay, that person is not, is not my fit.

Yeah.

And I always ask, well, it's really interesting what you just said. Beautiful things. What would you like to know about me? And you see at least half of the population, I think they don't like to engage with me, say, wow, yeah, you know, I like to know, but let Let me first get a drink. And they almost run away from, oh shit, I have to listen to somebody. And it's fun. I love it. And I find it almost fun. But in my head, I'm going to do a prediction who will listen and who will run away.

Yeah.

And I see it as a fun game. Now, of course, in a family dinner, it's less, but that really, uh, nephew has all his opinions on his sleeve and on his Tom doesn't like to listen to you, doesn't like to share. Hey, dear nephew, what would you like to know about me, what I'm doing on the moment? Probably you say, uh, I'm not interested. That's okay. And you don't have to talk to them anymore, right? They actually gave you an excuse not to talk to them anymore. Great.

Love it, right? I like that. I like that.

Now, if you had to take So if your audience after the holidays is coming back to you, Stacy, we did this, quite freaking amazing, love to hear it.

Yeah, definitely. I think I will put that in the, uh, and ask people to comment, you know, after the holidays and use the techniques that you actually suggested and see how it works. Because I think a lot of people do get stressed when they have to go to holiday affairs or when they go away on the holidays and things don't, you know, turn out well and Maybe if it does rain and they have to socialize a little bit, or, you know, whatever the case may be, if they take some of those tools and techniques and they learn how to deal with people, you know, it could take a lot of the stress away.

What would you like to know about me? That's, that's the, the, the golden sentence because you, because they have them to say something they would like to hear from you.

Yes.

And that makes it hard for them because they don't like to hear about your kids, your family, your brothers, your sister, whatever. So they think, okay, And if they really ask a good question, it could become something fruitful. It could become something nice.

Yeah.

Especially in networking. If they use it for business, in networking space, because then they start, the other person starts to question what they find interesting for them, what you maybe can provide. Then you have maybe a potential client in family dinners, at least. Uh, if you go back and you go to NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, and they talk about rapport, how do you make connection with people? And actually, uh, Dale Carnegie's book, How to Make Friends. One of the techniques of making friends is talking about things you both like.

Yes.

Now, the moment I ask you, Stacey, what would you like to know about me? You're going to ask something where you have interest about.

Yes.

If I start talking about it, we could come over to talk about something we both have interest in.

Yeah.

And before you know, we start liking each other, at least on that point. So our connection becomes better.

Yes.

So if people really give you an answer on that question, there's a huge chance the relationship becomes better.

Yeah.

And then you tick one of the boxes of Dale Carnegie's book on how to make friends.

I love that. I love that.

So, so the question is really in, in that part for different reasons, a golden question.

Yes.

For your holidays, for networking, and for your own health and well-being.

I love it. That's amazing. I love it.

And maybe annoying nephew becomes a person who starts liking you. That's the challenge.

That's the challenge. Yes. Now, if you had to take today's conversation and you wanted to emphasize on some important factors, What are some of the things you want to remind the listeners and you want to emphasize on?

Besides the last question, what is rather good, and thanks to your beautiful questioning and discussion, we came to it. It's really coming aware. What do you find really important in your own life? Are you more, say, logical dominant? Are you more, say, social dominant? Or are you more, say, more achieving, successful dominant? And all 3 are great. But it depends then how you connect actually in your plans for your holidays or for your, for your, for your holiday festivities. By knowing that, you can aware of, okay, what kind of planning settings should I do to make it successful, whatever successful means, right? So you can start thinking, okay, what should, what should I do in that? And this actually comes where We talk about self-growth. Who am I? Know yourself before you start knowing somebody else. From there you can start thinking, okay, and then, and then you can think, okay, so I'm going to meet XYZ in my family or those kinds of spouses. What should I do with them? How do I like to deal with it?

Yeah.

And really start thinking about your plan B. What happens if it doesn't turn out good? Especially with holidays. What happens if there's rain? What happens if the bars close at 11? What happens if, I don't know, whatever your holiday idea is and it's not happening the way it turns out? What's your plan B to make it good? Most people don't have a plan B, right? Of course they paid for it. So that's for holidays. And the third one, when we spoke about, say, if you deal with like people who are harder to change is actually listen to them and ask a question. That's the easiest way to just deal with them, right? And just to skip, say, somewhere that annoyance. Having said that, of course, it means you have to adapt a little bit of what you like and what you do. But having said that, it creates the best success, right? And the beauty is you could learn something about other people.

Yes, very true. So true. On your website, you do have a test people can take. Can you tell us about that?

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for asking because you can see my commercial activities sometimes. So if you like to know which brain of yourself is more dominant in your say not conscious decisions. So in general, what kind of preference do you have? Head, heart, or gut? You can go to 3brainsintelligence.com. 3 Brains Intelligence makes sense. There you find the preference test. You can fill it out in 16 languages. So there's always a language you can find.

Mm-hmm.

You get your score. You even get a link that you, you can have a 15-minute feedback session with me. about because I love to talk to people. Of course, if 1 million people do it, I probably have to change that offer. But you will find, say, strategies how you could deal with it and what you could, what's the benefit of having so, because all your 3 brains are freaking amazing. Evolution, or if you believe in God, God gave them to us for a specific reason.

Right.

But having one more dominant than the other means we maybe don't utilize the other ones too good and they have a reason that they're there. Learning to listen to all 3 of them makes our life much better. And at the end of the day, nobody wants to have his last day on earth saying, shit, I really should have done it differently.

Yeah.

And by listening to your 3 brains, that sentence becomes smaller and smaller and less predictable on your last day on earth.

Right. Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. Now, what services do you provide?

Now, besides, say, coaching one-to-one and therapy, and for me, that means as having the whole palette in my qualities, people come to me and say, you know, Chris, I like to go from A to B. Like I said before, tomorrow I'll talk to 2 people. One is a leader who really wants to ask, how do I deal with my new employees that are in my team? Because the team grew from 5 to 10.

Mm-hmm.

So although he was in the recruiting team, 5 new people are there. And of course, in recruiting, in the interviews, they're always different than you see them in real life.

Yeah.

Yeah. So how do I deal with that? And the other one who comes actually has, is, is a guy of almost 50, uh, who has still childhood upbringing issues. I'm saying a little bit more, um, domestic abuse and violence in his family. And now he's in a loving relationship with a beautiful partner. But his upbringing still actually sabotages his current relationship. He said, Chris, it's so crazy. I already had 3 relationships. This is my 4th one. This one is really the love of my life. It cannot fail. I don't want it to fail, but I have to change.

Right.

So they're totally different. And still people come, come for me from, hey, Chris, can I still stop drinking or whatever? And the stop thing, but it's a huge palette. So if people like to have the life they want to live, Most of them say, Chris, help me.

Right.

And the only thing is they, they don't care if therapy, coaching, or whatever I do. They always say, I like to get the life I deserve.

Yes.

I don't, I don't care if you say close your eyes, open your eyes, or stand up or stand on one leg. Just get me there.

Right.

Yeah. So that's there. Besides that, say in the businesses, I still help companies. to create a better culture or actually better engagement. It was the engagement where we spoke also before. Engagement numbers in companies are just now too horrible to be true. And the States is one of the best with 34% engagement. That still means 2 out of 3 are not engaged in their job.

Yes.

You work 50 hours a week. Come on, it should be different. You see, you work more than your partner. So companies help me and say, Chris, we know our scores, we know we have to change, but help us how to change.

Right.

Because most people know what to do, but this, how do you do it?

Yeah.

What is stopping me to step in my vulnerability zone? What is stopping me to be that, uh, decision maker that just says left and right and be more and more dominant? But what stops me there? And what kind of resources do I need to be now or more dominant or more vulnerable?

Right.

And that's what I do in a big thing besides talking to you and sharing as much as possible about the 3 brains. Because what's the beauty of 3 brains? As I said earlier, there are 3 different strategies: logic, bonding, and taking care of yourself. If you don't know that you have 3 of them and you listen only to one, the outcome will be the same. And Einstein said it, doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result is the law of insanity. Right. So you have to engage in other brains.

Mm-hmm. Right.

And as it was not, not shared that you have 3 brains, people keep on barking up the wrong tree.

Yeah.

All the results we can see around us if you just open the door or open, uh, whatever magazine or social media.

Right. Now, where can people contact you? Now you have your website. Um, are there any social medias that people go to?

If you type in, and I forgot a beautiful Dutch name, Christoffel Sneijders. But if you go on 3 Brains Intelligence, but it's international easy, you find me and you find there also the links to Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram. They can just find me there.

Oh, wonderful.

And why I say 3 Brains Intelligence, because that makes life sweet because that's easy to understand. A Dutch name like Sneijders. Yes. Just like your last name. Those are the names that you have to spell 5 times and still people make a mistake in that. One L or 2 L's in your last name. In my case, it's an E and then an I. Now that makes most people find an E-I-J for Sneijders. Oh wow, Chris, that's too hard. Maybe you should just change the name in Chris S, but to get a stage name, that doesn't fit also. He's intelligent. He can always find me.

Now you've written a couple of books, correct?

Yes, yes. The last one, uh, I'm, I'm busy with a new one, but I, I thought of changing it halfway. So that's not a smart idea. Yeah, but the most, uh, the most important one is relationships. Which brain is talking? And relationships in, is in a plural way of sense, personal relationship, business relationships. And then now by the talk, which brain is talking? Exactly. Which brain is most dominant in your relationship? Personal or work-wise. Because if you know that, you know it from your direct colleague or your partner, yes. Because the last example, if you have a head-brain dominant person and you have, say, a heart-brain dominant person, the heart-brain dominant person would say, oh, you know, let's go out and have a coffee together, right? The head brain dominant person's response is 9 of 10, oh wow, um, uh, I don't know. I was now just busy with some mail. I have to think about it. It's not because they don't want it because they're structured and logical. And this is spontaneous jumping in. The head brain is not spontaneous because they like to say yes, but they like to finish the email, then to see what they have to do in the calendar. And if it fits and if it all fits, then they can have a coffee with you.

Right.

If you don't know that, because come on, you never want to have a coffee with me. What's happening? Don't you love me anymore? And before you know it, you have a discussion about difference of communication, right? Well, that's in personal relationships, but in work, now it happens just as easy. The moment you know which brain is talking of your partner and of you, communication comes from because they know you ask your partner, hey, by the way, In 15 minutes, I'd like to have a coffee. Would you like to join? Because I really like to have coffee with you. You give the person 15 minutes, they can finish their email, they can whatever they like to do.

Yeah.

And they come with you and there is no stress and most people are happy, right? It's a real trick. How do you engage with each other?

I love it.

It sounds easy, but I can tell you that 50% of the first marriages end up in divorce. So that means we still have to learn a lot about this.

Very true. Very true. And I look forward to talking about this in our future podcast together.

I love to see, probably that's next year because it's almost end of the year.

Yeah.

I love to talk about you with that. And then we go, then we become personal because then I'm going to ask you, Stacey, how are your relationships? Chris, you first.

Yeah, right.

Of course, you learned, Chris, I asked you a question so you can talk.

Yes, exactly. Exactly. I learned that on the other podcast. Well, this has been great, Christoffel. I love talking to you and this has been a great podcast. And I think this is wonderful because it fits the holidays and everything we learned actually we could use throughout the year. It's not even during the holidays, but A lot of the tools and techniques you went over today could be applied all year round. So thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you so much. Hey, have a beautiful holiday season.

Thank you. You too. Bye-bye.