The Definition of Success with author Neil Strauss | A Bit of Optimism Podcast

What are some of the really great human skills that you've learned that actually do help in genuine connection?

Stop worrying about what other people think of you and start realizing what they're worrying about what you think of them. I was really worried. I was walking around, look at that guy. He's short, he's got a big nose. He's like a nerd, he's a loser, whatever it is. And then you realize, no, they're all worrying about being judged by you. So instead of trying to take validation from other people, giving people validation.

Yeah, that is such a brilliant insight. And to operate from that point of view and to make somebody feel seen or heard or understood is about the best thing you can give to someone.

Your career is a fascinating one.

Because.

A lot of people in sort of authors and stuff like that have an idea set. They sort of build upon the idea set. You had an idea and got very famous for. An idea set that you have completely or almost entirely walked away from. Which is the game. First of all, I want to know the history of how the game even came to be. I remember when it came out and the buzz, the stir that it caused. It was quite a sensation in its day.

Yeah, I don't even think it would come out today.

Let's tell people what the game was, first of all.

Yeah, so. So. And it'll answer. What the game was is the same as how it came about. So the one and the same thing, which is. And I already had a career prior to the game, meaning I was, like, writing at the New York Times as a music critic. And I'd go to all these concerts. I'd even go on tour with rock bands, running for Rolling Stone. So I'd be around a lot of energy, sexuality, those kinds of things. And I was super shy, really nebbish and nerdy, more so than I am now. And I wouldn't even be able to have this conversation if not for the game and look you in the eye and have this conversation and express myself. So I just saw everyone having all the fun. I was never the one having the fun. I went on tour with Motley Crue and thought, this is going to be decadence. And maybe it was, but not for me. I'd even go get backstage passes and hand them out, hoping to meet someone, and they just say thank you and go backstage doing something wrong. Why is everyone else again? I was really lonely. Anyone I'd met, I'd end up in the friend zone while they're dating some guy who's a jerk. To them, and I'm consoling them. I even remember I did a book on Marilyn Manson at the time, and his manager remembered a story where I think I had a crush on someone. I was painting their room while they went out on a date. I was just the worst. So then I had a book editor. I'd done a couple books, and my book editor, HarperCollins, came to me and said, I found this undercover community of pickup artists, and they're guys without money, looks, fame, and they've figured out how this whole thing works. Do you want to collect their information to a how to book? I said, listen, I'm a journalist for the New York Times. I've got a serious career. That's not something I do. So, no, thanks, but thank you. Thanks for thinking of me. But secretly, I'm like, there's a community where these guys know this stuff. And not having muddy looks or fame, I thought, this is great.

So I began this double life. I changed my name not to go online. I changed everything. I had this double life that I was actually scared of being found out. So I started meeting these guys, and.

Their personalities, their ideas were so fascinating that I thought, oh, man, this is a book. And so I remember when I wrote the book, I wanted to write under another name. I was so scared.

Okay, so the book came out.

So the book came out, and a.

Lot of guys used this book to pick up women, and it was described by the women as highly manipulative.

So, yeah, it's interesting versus what the book actually was versus how it was seen in the culture. There's a difference between, say, the techniques the guys that pick up artists use in the book and what the book is. The book literally begins. It's the funniest thing, by the way. And this isn't a bad thing. I don't mind. I think when you do create something, you throw it in the culture, and now it's out of your control. Correct. And. And I'm happy they have any story about it. I'm happy anyone's reading it or read it. So it begins with the greatest pickup artist in the world trying to kill himself over a woman. He's suicidal. It begins with me taking him to a mental health crisis center. So is that really a book that says this is going to end up well for you? Literally, it begins with that guy, and then the end is really about how it turns you into a robot and destroys your personality. And to me, the game again. I was super naive at the time, I guess, but to me, the Game was a book about male insecurity. And I literally thought, and I'm really not, I really mean this is when I wrote it, I thought women would have more confidence when they saw how insecure and fearful men were.

I have a female friend who wrote it specifically so she could know when men were behind her. And she tells this great story of sitting on a plane and some guy is saying whatever he's saying and I don't know, I don't remember any of the principles, like say something nice, then insult them like whatever it was some of these weird principles. And she literally turned and goes, I read the Game, you can stop.

Exactly. And there's so many sides of it, so complicated and nuanced and for sure it ends with Lord of the Flies. All these before toxic masculinity was a term. It ends with all these fake self taught alpha males in a house all trying to out alpha male each other. It's almost like just become so toxic.

It's kind of a book about bro culture, isn't it? I mean it's like that's what it is.

Well, here's the difference. It's a book about neurodivergence.

Yeah.

Bros don't read this book. Bros are, they're already like, you know, they don't need this. They're too cool. You know, they, they've already got off virgin people who are trying to figure out how to socially interact and just needed a map.

I mean, I struggled with dating most of my life and I've talked about this publicly a lot of adhd. And so I overcompensated for the ADHD by jacking up with coffee before a date out of fear of not being funny, of not being charming. And so I needed to get the boost of energy for the evening and I would come in like a bull in a china shop and just, I thought it was very funny and charming. Problem was I was doing all the talking. You know, I get it that it's a story from neurodivergence. I wonder what you know. So here's the question. There's something. You could never write that again. Today you said a, why? And B, what about the principles that you learn in the game could be translated for people who are struggling with neurodivergence and meeting people today, I think.

You can still learn the same things but without the agenda or the goal of an outcome. Like, let me, how do I start a conversation with someone? Like how do I get comfortable with myself? How do I actually connect?

How do I.

Move Things. How do I ask somebody who I meet online, like, out in person, what's a good way to do that? So the difference is your goal to connect or is your goal to, like, take? And I think that's what it's about.

Yeah, I think intentional. So, so. So just share one of the tips, like, is somebody.

You know, how. How to make somebody feel heard and seen, you know, like, what are some of the good tips that you. You know, Because I think people do struggle to commit. You know, a lot of us are struggling to connect these days. There's much said about addictions to cell phones and social media being disconnected. You know, Covid, blah, blah, blah. You know, the list goes on. So what are some of the really great human skills that you've learned that actually do help in genuine connection without. Without some sort of agenda?

Yeah, I mean, I think, like, if I. I think I'd have to ask that question with me now versus me, then, I guess. But I was gonna say one other thing, which is, I think when the book came out, I got a lot of calls from salespeople, marketing people. The FBI called me to come in and train their agents. So I think those applications, it's really just understanding social dynamics, and I think it's really important. So the first step, I think, is just really understanding social dynamics and how they work and what people want and what they're looking for, what their agenda is. So I think one step is just really understanding social dynamics. But I would say the biggest thing is, is to stop worrying about what other people think of you and start realizing that they're worrying about what you think of them. I'd say the most freeing thing I learned then, and I think it's even more that I do it maybe 10x more now, is that I was really worried. I was walking around, everyone's just laughing, they're pointing. They're like, look at that guy. Sure, he's got a big nose. He's like a nerd, he's a loser, whatever it is. And then you realize, no, they're all worrying about being judged by you. So instead of trying to take validation from other people, giving people validation. So I think that was the biggest.

Insight, you know, which is, while we're all walking around worried about what people think of us, what we don't realize is they're walking around worried about what people think of them. That is such a brilliant insight. And to operate from that point of view and to make somebody feel seen or heard or understood is about the best thing you can give to someone.

Yeah. And even. And you think, well, I do this, but here's an example of how we don't do it. So we're la. I'd say you're at the LA stand and someone pulls up in a bright yellow loud Lamborghini and gets out. And you. Right away you want to be like, what a douchebag, right? Or what a asshole or whatever it is. But instead you just want to say like, hey, nice car, man. Like that person just wants. They'll drive around that thing because they just want some validation. So instead of like judging them, drive a car.

Right. Yelling for people to see it.

So there's an exercise again. Like, I really do think they're there to be seen. Yeah. So there's an exercise where you. To get over social anxiety, you go out and try to make three or four people feel better about themselves that day by saying something kind about them.

The best way to solve your problems is to help other people solve the same problem.

I've talked about the 12 step programs of Alcoholics and Honors or any other 12 step program.

They know that if you master the first 11 steps but not the 12th, you're likely to succumb to the disease. But if you master the 12th step, you will more likely overcome the disease. And the twelfth step is to help another alcoholic, which is service. So if I'm struggling with how to find love, how to find a job, how to find happiness, the best way to do it is to help somebody I care about find love, find a job, find happiness.

And I'd say the other for sure. I think being other oriented instead of self oriented is a nice way to put it. And I think we'd probably be a better world that we in really not being needy energy. So the other side is like when someone says, one of my pet peeves, when somebody says, you know what, I did that for them and they did nothing for me and they didn't repay that. People get so upset if they do something kind for someone and that person then doesn't return the favor or do something kind with it for them. You do kindness just as an end in itself, right. So there are people who go out and maybe give people compliments or they listen to people, they try to help them, but they're trying to get something for it. Right. They make that connection because they want. So you really have to do it purely with no neediness. I think the biggest turnoff is when someone's just too needy.

Do you still see yourself the same way as you did when you wrote the Game?

No, not at all. No, barely. I mean, I really think the bigger transformation I had was no surprise, was going to sex addiction rehab. So that was really the bigger transformation. So clearly, there were things that led me to the game that came not from the game itself, but came from my upbringing. So I think the bigger the game, maybe to me, the benefit of what I learned in the game was it showed me that I can change that. And then I think then it was questioned, well, even if you recognize the game, what drew me into the game? What seduced me by that lifestyle? Why did I become so obsessed with it? What was wrong with me? Even if the book, even at the end, I said, oh, this is bad. What caught me up in that and everything? And so I remember I was having a dinner with two other writers who wrote probably the most famous books on seduction, that kind of thing. And we were just talking. We found out we had the same kind of mother figure in our lives. And I said, well, that makes sense. It's a fear of the feminine. And trying to figure out the tactics and the techniques is to make you safe from something you feared because you grew up with toxic narcissist.

Okay, I can't leave this behind. What did you learn at sex addiction counseling reform?

Yeah, before then, I thought.

I was the normal one who wrote about all the eccentric damaged people, the pickup artists in the game, the rock stars for Rolling Stone. And then I realized I remember this moment where you do your timeline. Did you ever have to do your timeline? And so I wrote down all my peak positive memories and peak negative memories from 0 to 17. Sat there, therapist is across from me, and she goes, well, you know why you've never been in a healthy relationship. I'm like, no. And she goes, because your mom wants to be in a relationship with you. And that's when, as surreal, as weird as that sounds, so I gave it at the time, and she's like. And there's a name for that. It's called emotional incest. And I'm like, what the. Well, my logical brain is going, what the fuck? My body, like, felt this truth of it. All of a sudden, all my childhood stuff made sense. Like, again, just to go over, share, being grounded all the time, massaging her hand, her coming to my room and complaining about how my dad was in bed.

Not being cut off when I wanted to live with a girl in.

College or something, all of a sudden, everything just made sense. My body felt the truth of that, and I think it's true. That in the culture, we understand abandonment when a parent's not there physically or emotionally, but we don't recognize enmeshment because it feels. What's the word for it? It's like falsely elevating. Abandonment is you feel like nothing, but when you're enmeshed, you're like, oh, I'm mom or dad's special person. They talk to me. They share this stuff with me, or I make them feel better when they're sad. I take care of the family. It's sort of falsely empowering, and so it's hard to see and recognize. And then I recognized and I realized that.

There was a part of me that was afraid to just be vulnerable and surrender because I was afraid of being swallowed up again.

Thanks for sharing that.

Yeah.

You're very open.

Did that come from being around people who are struggling and being forced to be open, or have you always been. There's a difference between being open with yourself, which is difficult, and then.

Yeah, I mean, I think two reasons. One is, I think maybe when I was running for Rolling Stone, I would always encourage, as an interviewer, be on the other side of it. I'd really try to get people comfortable enough to be open and then also honored that when I shared it, I would never do a gotcha thing. So when I was on the other side of the microphone, I did recognize that.

I need to give what I wanted. The other side of it is my whole goal is just to be. Continue working to be a healthier person. And I think if you create a split between who you are and who you present, that's super unhealthy.

I think that's most people. Right. You know, in some way, shape or form is kind of life. Now some sort of artifice is required. You know, like, you know, I think when you meet people in professional or personal context, we all want to project some sort of confidence.

Right.

You know, we can't project defeatism. We never make friends.

Right.

I mean, there's always a bit of artifice. And I think this is where relationships. You become vulnerable, you start to break down the artifice. But to your point, which is if we never break down the artifice, then that's unhealthy.

Yeah. I think there's lines of what's healthy and unhealthy. So I think healthy is being vulnerable and then the other side. So one side is being vulnerable, and then the other line is healthy shame. Healthy shame is. Well, we need to have a little bit of shame so that we don't. Because everyone's in this world if we get rid of shame. Shame is bad. Every emotion is good, is.

In the right degree, healthy. Shame is. Well, we're going to wear clothes when we're together. You know, we are going to.

Depending on where we're getting together. I guess Zachary is like, show up.

On the first date with the clothes. How can you. I have no shame.

Right, exactly. We're all wounded. How do you know?

Shame is actually an expression.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Like we're all, all our wounds, like all our wounds came from people who were shameless. My mom was shameless with her boundaries around me. Right. People were shameless with.

Let's say that all of our wounds come from others who were shameless.

Yes.

They had no shame, which is this, which is. Can be said, you know, they. They violated boundaries.

Right.

And that, that lack of shame created woundedness. So draw the line for me because we are all the products of our upbringing.

Right.

Warts and all.

Right? Yeah.

Where is the line of accountability, you know, that we, we say, look, I am like this because, you know, I was enmeshed with my mother.

So the difference is accountability. I'll say, for me, my accountability is 100% mine. In other words, so regard.

It doesn't matter how your mother treated you.

I'm responsible.

You're responsible for your behavior.

I see myself, because I want to speak for other people. I see for myself that I'm. I'm responsible for the stories I made up about that. And so that allows me to then change because if I'm responsible, then I'm in control of the changing it. So I see for me that those are variables that occurred. These variables help me understand myself so there's no blame involved. I mean, certainly there are cases where people are straight up perpetrators. There's a place for everything in the healing process. The healing process to me is sort of a few steps you go through at certain times. And, and just like you were saying, the 12th step of AA is the service. I think the end of the healing process, if you're trying to heal something, is the forgiveness piece where you actually. And again, most people never get there. I understand it's really challenging for some people, but that piece of forgiveness that you can forgive yourself and even let go of any energy you hold around the other person. And that's real freedom. I was going to say this. There's two kinds of people, I think. So there's people who try to bring others down, right. To get to like them, or those people kind of like to Raise themselves up as well as all the other people that we're.

I think it's binary.

Okay. That's semi binary. Right.

I think there's no other option. It's true. To feel better about yourself, you know, there are many things you can do. You can lift others up or you can bring others down. I think that's true.

And I guess my question or something, I'm just seeing in the culture out there so much criticism of trying to bring others down. Yes. I can even see it, having been a journalist for a long time, that as soon as, like, suddenly Mark Zuckerberg is a sex symbol now. Right. Or something. I don't know. I was. See, people were literally like, oh, he looks hot with that gold chain, or I don't know what is going on. And he wants his AI to be open source somehow. Mark Zuckerberg, I see him going back up on the pendulum in this moment, in this exact moment, working on this conversation. But the culture likes to take people and kind of bring them down as soon as they get big. And when they're little, they want to bring them back up. What do you think that is in the culture that we have to, you know, if someone gets too arrogant or too big, they have to be sort.

Of kept in check.

Kept in check.

I think we've become a very finite society where the idea of vision and idealism is almost lost. And leaders do not speak in idealized terms anymore. They don't speak of imaginary futures that will never exist. I have a dream. All men are created equal. Ask not what your country can do for you. Shining city on a hill. These are all idealized states of the world that will never exist. But we'll try and build. When there's vision and there's idealism, we all share in that vision or a lot of people will share in that vision. And we feel community and we feel supportive of the people. Lack of vision means it's every man for themselves. It's every person for themselves, you know, and we've doubled down on rugged individualism. And so if I'm insecure, I cannot bear the thought that you're. You're happy when I'm not. And. And it's easier for me to bring you down than lift me up, because that's hard work. And I don't. I feel very alone.

Yes.

And I think. I think everybody is. Feels like they're forced to be on this journey by themselves. I think we've been on this road of.

Of.

Of feeling lonely and feeling like we've heroized CEOs, right. Used to be the company, now it's the person.

Yeah.

You know, we've made. And that's the problem, which is we now live in a world of I am the genius or I'm not the genius. I am the success or I'm not the success. And we've completely forgotten that we're social animals.

And.

And all of these things can only happen with the love and help of others. I am not successful. And I've even shared this with my friends. I say I'm the front man. So people give me all of the love. But make no mistake of it. Anything I've accomplished in the world, you are due some of the credit. You were there for me when I couldn't. You were there for me when I doubted myself. You believed in me when nobody else did. And there's no way I can take all the credit.

But I guess the other question I'm thinking is just, well, what is success? Everybody's in their own lane. I'm just thinking about what you said as far as make sure everyone gets a credit on your team. But then I also think that everybody has a wheelhouse where they're great and where they're trying to improve and trying to be better and recognizing them for that. I think somebody who makes that choice to just not work and raise a family, or not work and just travel the world with their partner, or to sacrifice family and travel and adventures to try to create art or create political change, everything is equally valid. And that goes back to. I'm realizing it's fun having this talk because I'm realizing how I think versus you not asking me the standard sort of questions that in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, the advice is, and I'm not even a religious person, but it's about grow your own garden, plant it and grow this beautiful garden. And know it doesn't really make a difference, but just be happy doing it. And I think if everyone's finding the thing that they like doing enough and they're creating something more beautiful or something that doesn't hurt others, I think there's not much to it. And I overthink.

I don't know if I agree with that.

Go ahead.

I think that's selfish.

Go ahead.

Which is, you know, we are individuals and members of groups, we're social animals, but we're also ourselves. And yes, you're you, but you're also a father, a friend, a member of a community, you know, a partner, you know, like you have social responsibility. And you, your behavior does have real and significant impact on the lives of others. As you explain about your own mother. Right. That's significant impact in your life. And so I do believe that we have a personal responsibility to plant our gardens is just be satisfied. Yes, as an individual, but as a member of a group, I think we do have a responsibility to leave this world in better shape than we found it. You know, if you work for a company, leave the company in better shape than you found it. Leave this country in better shape than you found it. Leave your family in better shape than you found it. Like, I think.

But how do you like that old parable of the horse? The Zen parable of the horse? Do you know that one? Right. But it's like, how do we know that we're really even in better shape? The parable, I mean, the parable is. And just stop me if you know it. But the farmer, this farm, I'm going to butcher it. Like, everything. But the farmer.

You're going to butcher the horse?

Yeah, I'm going to butcher the horse. Like, everything. Yes. So there's a farmer and his horse runs away. And everyone's like, that's a horrible thing. That sucks. You need them for your farm. He goes, I don't know if it's good or bad. We'll see. Horse comes back and brings a bunch of other horse and wild horses back with him. And they're like, look at you now. You have like five horses. You're like the richest farmer in the whole territory. Look at you. That's amazing. I don't know if it's amazing or it's not amazing. We'll see. Then his son's riding the horse and his son falls off, like, breaks us like, really badly. Can't walk. May never walk the same again. Like, oh, man, that sucks that happened to your horse. If only that horse had brought all those other horses back. He's like, I don't know if it's good or bad. We'll see. The next thing, there's a draft and the son isn't drafted because he broke his leg. And it saves his life. And the story goes on and on and on, and we don't. We could. You could go create the biggest, best fulfill your exact mission. And maybe because of that, someone else reacts against it and creates a bunch of evil in the world. We don't know the outcome of what we're doing in the big big of that. Someone else reacts against it and creates a bunch of evil in the world. We don't know the outcome of what we're doing in the big, big picture. There's so much complicated cause and effect that you may save someone's life and they may go on to kill 10 people. Right. That was the right thing to do. And now 10 people are dead because we don't know the. I always have to say. I have the saying the outcome is not the outcome. Like, that's just a finite outcome. Right. It goes back to everything we're saying about the contracts and everything else. We don't. But I'm. So what I'm saying. But here's.

What I'm saying is that doesn't mean to.

Here's what I'm saying.

Responsibility for contribution. Just because it might not work out in the short term. Because then to your own story, which is, by the way, the quintessential story for infinite mindedness, which is. Yes, but then, but then, but then, but then. Like, we don't know.

Okay. What I'm saying is be responsible for what you're actually responsible for. Don't assume that my goal. Like, I think when we're saying there's no effect you can control outside of yourself. So. So doing the right thing. Doing the right thing. I think we're saying the same thing.

I think we violate agreement here.

Yeah.

Which is control the things you can control. Be responsible for things you're responsible with, but do it with an eye of contribution.

Yeah. I mean, I think. Again, I don't know. I don't want to tell people. For some people, contributing may not be the right thing and hide their soul.

I tell people that contribution is a thing.

There might be people who really just want to live this life and be alone and not be bothered and just, like, read books. I don't know. It's okay. I want to say it's okay not to contribute.

It's okay.

I need to think about that example.

Yeah.

Because that example is that if you're Ted Kaczynski, where you literally are a person who's removed yourself from society.

Right.

And by the way, he couldn't fully do it. He had to go threaten the world.

I am saying be responsible for other people. Don't take to things that, you know, that intentionally cause harm.

Contribution is such a low bar.

Okay.

Right. Like ordering a cup of coffee and saying please and thank you.

Well, that's healthy. Shame.

Contribution.

So we like to be talking about.

The worlds and make sure that you make someone's life that you. That you interacted with just slightly better.

Right. So but here's. Here's why we.

It's such a low ball.

But here's where we're differing. Let's go here, because there's a little hair to split, but let's split it for fun, because, like you said, we're violently agreeing. So my thought is.

My thought is next on this episode of Splitting Hairs. By the way, splitting Hairs is incredibly fun for us. It's incredibly painful for other people.

You can cut it all out. I don't care. It's just you and I talking. I don't care about hair. It's just you and I have a conversation, okay? You want to contribute. I want to have a good conversation with you. You want to contribute to all those people. I just want to have a great conversation with you.

Selfish bastard.

So. And really, like, our whole thing on this, too is like, is this. What if I go out and I say please and thank you when I'm ordering my coffee? That's just the right thing to do. But I don't have the. I'll just say extreme for fun, but have the arrogance of thinking this is making their life better because that guy wanted and said please and thank you.

Maybe it goes back to your standard of intention.

Now it goes back to, you don't know what's right for other people. All I know is right, by the way.

I know this. There's cultural differences, right? So in the United States, you know, if I'm in a restaurant almost always, I'll ask the server, what's your name? It's considered polite in this country. And then I can say, thanks, Stacy. You know, every time, you know, something comes around a table, you know, and that's considered a good thing. Not so in Norway. I was in Norway and sat down and asked the server her name, and she said, why? I was like, just so.

Just trying to contribute here. That's what I do. I'm a contributor.

What does it matter? You don't ask the server their name. It's considered incredibly uncouth. And they're all introverts anyway. And so, like, making. Closing those intimate gaps, you know, freaks them all out. So it is cultural. The differences are sometimes cultural, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't learn how to contribute consistent with whatever the norms and values are of Norway, right?

So define. Define contribute as you see it, okay?

That's to take responsibility. I think we talked about accountability and responsibility so that I am accountable and responsible for my actions and my words and will attempt to go through life in a way that my actions and my words leave whatever situation and slightly better than when I show them, right? And it's a very. That's a hard standard because you can't do it all the time, obviously. But I think sometimes it's much easier to do like good leadership, you know, is the fundamental responsible to leave people in better shape than you found them? You know, like to lift people up, help them learn a skill, push themselves, whatever it is, you know, I mean that's what parenting is, to leave your kid, you know, equipped, you know, not just self raised. You commit to raising a child so that they're better than raising themselves. That's what good parenting is, right? And I think that all of these things are difficult and all these things are strivings and we are imperfect at all of them every day. But I think as an ambition.

I.

Would like to know that my friends have a better life because I'm in their lives.

So can we do the right thing without needing to be responsible for the outcome?

Can we do the right thing?

Can we still have the motivation to do the right thing with others at all time without taking on responsibility for the outcome?

It's a hard question. I think the answer is yes. I think the answer is yes. But it goes back to intention.

If your intentions are good, I think it's hard to fault you.

And the means matter more than the end.

Right? So here's my thought here. I think I figured out the hair. You guys wake up now. All right, I figured out the hair. This is it. You and I say the same thing. We're drawing the responsibility, the boundary of responsibility at different places.

Say more.

Okay, so my boundary is right here. Your boundary. I feel like it's over there.

For those who are not looking. Neil has just made an between him.

And I because we are no longer friends after this. No.

So here.

So what I'm saying, what I'm saying is this. All I can control are my. So in my, in my.

I can control is myself.

All I control is myself and my. And I can't so in other words.

Control you or anything else.

I want to contribute. So let's say I want to contribute to your life. And I say take that trip you want, you always want to take. And then the plane crashes whether you take it or not or no. I'm not responsible for playing. What I'm saying is what I'm saying with your things. I want to contribute. So you have to. If you want to contribute, then I can't so in other words, control you. Or anything else I want to contribute. So let's say I want to contribute to your life, and I say take that trip you want, you always want to take. And then the plane crashes.

Whether you take it or not or.

No, I'm not responsible for playing. What I'm saying is. What I'm saying is, with your things, I want to contribute. So you have to. If you want to contribute, then it means you also have to take responsibility if your effort to contribute ends in a disaster.

So I encourage you to take that.

Trippy voice, which means if you're measuring.

And the plane crashes, I you're now responsible.

If you're in the afterlife by your version, God then gives you the scorecard and say, here are all the people you interacted with. These people's good lives got better. These people's lives got worse. You try to do the right thing, but unfortunately it's like 74 to 22. So I send you to hell.

No, I'm not cynical, but I'm saying it. No, I'm not cynical.