Ep. 31 Happiness is available to you right now (in your financial journey)! With Author Heather Frazier

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Welcome to the Money Style youe Problem podcast where every week we talk about how you can become good with money in your pocket and in your mind by using practical life coaching tools and simple and efficient ways to do money math. Are you ready to invest in yourself? Let's dive into this episode.

Welcome to another episode of the Money Saw your problem podcast.

Today I have a very special guest. She is an author, podcaster, and a coach who works with mothers and families with teenagers.

I don't know about you, but I.

Need a lot of help with that. But today, Heather Frazier is here to talk to us about her personal finance journey and how she's using the lessons that she had in her life helping her kids learn about money.

Hi, Heather. How are you doing today? Good.

How are you?

Good. I'm really excited that you're. You found some time to come and talk to us, and I'm going to let you introduce yourself to my audience. Go ahead.

Yeah. My name's Heather Frazier, and I've been coaching since 2019. I just recently published a book. It's called How I Fix My Teen. Because I think teens are the best and they're probably the most underrated age ever. I have four kids of my own. My oldest is almost 23 and my youngest is just 13. So I completely understand all of the struggles of launching and puberty striking and eye rolling, and it's actually what led me to coaching because I had always really looked forward to the teen years, and when they started coming up, it wasn't that fun. It was not fun at all, actually.

I, I, it'd be really hard.

Yeah. Yeah. And I had always pictured having a great relationship with my teenagers. And the course that we were on was not to have a great relationship. And I did everything that I possibly could to shift that trajectory into a good path. And I teach it all in my book. And yeah, I have to say, I have a great relationship with all my kids. So mission accomplish.

That's excellent. We need to know all your secrets. We need to get your book. Absolutely.

Yes.

And does it apply to preteens as well?

Absolutely. I've had a lot of people who follow me on Instagram or are on my email list and they're like, well, My oldest is 4, but I still listen to your podcast and I ordered your book.

Well, because it's good to be prepared. I think it's just like, when you learn about money, if you know what's coming up next, then you make money. Better decisions.

Yes, absolutely.

Or you don't get Caught by surprise. I got caught by surprise. And with the teen years, and it was very impactful. And that's when I met coaching as well. And that was all the difference for me because it wasn't working. My way wasn't working.

Yeah.

Yeah. What I thought was that the tools that we learned with the life coaching that helped me apply the gospel teachings much more effectively.

I totally agree with that.

Did you. You were telling me off the air that you are here in Provo. Did you guys grow up members of the church or just Christians?

Yes. Yep. We both were born and raised in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that's how we've chosen to raise our family. Although not all of them have accepted those teachings.

Yeah, same here. And that, I guess the tools also help us to deal with those choices. Right? Because we can.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. In my book, gospel principles are. Are threaded with coaching principles and parenting, and they definitely are so intertwined and help support one another. Yeah.

That's so, so awesome. Well, we're definitely going to be telling you guys about her book. She'll be sharing a little bit where you can get. Her book right now is an Amazon bestseller, so you must have it. It's really good. I'm excited to get mine. All right, so let's dive into your money journey. Tell us a little bit about when you're growing up. How was life?

I had the discounted food lunch ticket. Both my parents worked, like, swing shifts. Neither of them had a college education, and so I grew up under the poverty level. When I was around 8 or 9, my mom returned actually to college and got her college education and then taught school. But up until that point, I just had both parents working to try and make ends meet. And then my husband and I, I met him when I was only 18 and married at 19. Best decision of my life. And we also lived well under the poverty line until he was done with schooling. And then, like, night and day, we went from below poverty to making decent six figures. And so because of his education and the job that he now has, and so I was very well versed in how to do a budget, how to make ends meet, how to do without.

All the coupons, all the deals, Right?

Yep. Yep. All the things just to not spend money. I. I actually still have the tablet that was our budget when we were going through school, and I made it within the budget pretty much every month.

That's incredible. Tell me, how many people are in.

Your family when you're growing up? I have five siblings.

Okay, so are you in the middle? Are you the older?

I'm number five of six. Four sisters and one poor, poor brother in the middle.

Oh, and he's in the middle. Yeah. So looking back, how did your family look at money?

Oh, that. It was a determiner a lot that it was hard to get. But also we were so happy. It really. My parents, we didn't have a lot. I knew not to ask for a lot. I got my first job when I was maybe 14 or 15 so that I could buy new clothes for school instead of having hand me downs or homemade clothes. But it was never a sore point or a sad point. It just kind of was what it was. And we always had food and love. And so it wasn't really. My parents never emphasized that we were lacking in that regard because we had what really mattered, which was love and connection, which my siblings and I now look around at other families and their interpersonal struggles that they have that we don't have. And we just are so grateful for our parents for providing what actually mattered, which was emotional intelligence, love, hard work, all those things.

Yeah, Those that money cannot buy, right?

Yes.

Things that you develop in your character.

Yes, that's, that's.

That's something very difficult. And I'm grateful that you experiencing that you were able to maybe translate into your parenting later on. You have that example, right?

Oh, definitely. I remember my mom telling me when I was a little girl, nobody can make you angry. And of course, girl, I couldn't meta think or whatever. And I would get. So I'm like, no, you don't get it. She's the worst. And this is what she did to me. And she's like, nope, she's not making you angry. So I was fortunate enough to grow up with really emotionally intelligent parents.

So that experience that you had growing up, how did that affect your thoughts about money in your youth?

As the number five of six child, I knew actually that I wanted a very traditional relationship in my future, that I wanted a husband that would earn enough money that I didn't have to work so that I could stay home with my kids. That was the most important takeaway to me is that I wanted to be home with my kids because it broke my heart that my mom wasn't home with me.

Yeah, it's. It can be very difficult to be with you and your siblings only and seeing your parents sacrifice that much. Right?

Yeah.

Was there a defining experience that helped you in your financial journey? Oh.

It'S a good question. Maybe one that I can think of off the Top of my head. So my husband and I had been married for 13 years before we were able to buy a home. And within that time, we had moved nine times because of my husband's education. And we bought a home that was a fixer upper. And we bought in 09 when the bubble was like totally burst. So we got a really big, beautiful old home that needed a lot of fixing up. And we didn't have the money yet to fix it up because he was still ramping up in his career. And we had just gone to the parade of homes, which is where you go, look at all these really beautifully brand new homes that builders use to showcase themselves. Anyway, and they were beautiful. And I remember coming home and I don't even know if we had furniture in our living room yet. And just like laying on the floor looking up at our vaulted ceiling of our home that was built in 81 with, you know, the orange wood and whatever. And my husband and I just were sitting there on the floor and we were like, we love our house. Like, those homes were beautiful. And we also just are so happy to be here. And it was kind of just an affirmation of sort of what I already knew, which is money kind of doesn't matter. And like possessions, obviously, to an extent, we need to be comfortable and have our needs met. But beyond that, it just is for fun and is less significant than a stable relationship, hell, freedoms, all of those more significant things.

It does sound like contentment was always part of your life, huh?

Yeah.

Just being glad with what you have. So that kind of brings it in, the spirituality. How did your spirituality play a part in your financial journey?

It was a huge part. I love that the church has tithing. I don't think God actually needs our money. I think that it's a principle for us to learn self constraint and charity and thinking about others over ourselves. And so I love that. That was always a piece of my upbringing and how I've tried to model that with my kids. I love to tell them the story. It was my husband's graduation and we had I think like 30 or $40 in our checking account and we were going to need to pay the babysitter that night to go to his graduation and also pay tithing. And so I decided to pay tithing. This is one of those cliche stories that some of us experience and some of us don't. And I decided to pay tithing. And that night he won a $1,000 prize, which was huge. And I see that as direct correlation. But, yeah, Definitely not just tithing, but also the principles of thinking about others and where your heart is there will your treasure be. Also that the teachings of Christ, there's so many great teachings that can be applied to money and possessions and worldliness that, that are impactful.

Yes. See also trusting. Trusting in God that he's going to provide.

Yeah, definitely.

So tell me, are there any people, one more person that helped you during your financial evolution learn about money?

I remember when we were first married, we were both working. I was working full time, my husband was working part time and going to school full time. And my manager at ZC in my shoes taught me down and showed me a budget for sat me down and showed me a budget for the first time ever. Like this is where you put the income for the month. This is where you put your expenses for the month. You write like, he showed me everything and how to straddle paychecks so that you know, you never are late on your bills, that you know the last two paychecks go for the first part of the next month. And he, he was really helpful in like the practical sense of showing me exactly how money works on like the day to day, which was really nice. So I've done that with my children because I don't want them to have to launch as an adult and not understand what a budget is.

Right. And it seems that you've been using it for a while now.

Yeah, I mean once we were above water as far as income, I definitely loosened my grip on watching every single penny and life was also busier. But yeah, it's still, you know, having those check ins and sure that your money is working for you and not the other way around.

Right. Because when you have a plan, then you know where the money is going, you tell where the money needs to go instead of wonder where you went. Right?

Yes, exactly.

So was there anything negative from your past that you had to reconcile and how did you do it?

Yeah, definitely. Again, when we jumped from, you know, 30, $40,000 a year to hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, my husband and I just would go shopping on date nights and I can' tell you how many like black jackets he has or like pairs of shoes I have because of that. And it's almost like when a kid is told they can't have candy and then they go to their friend's house and there's lots of candy and they just make themselves sick. So that's kind of what we did when our income was increased for a little while. Just spend, spend Spend. And some of that was rational in the sense, like I didn't have any summer clothes, you know, but a lot of it wasn't. And recognizing that I, I was purchasing in like a binge fashion rather than a need based or a plan or a planned. Yeah. And it didn't do anything to our budget. Like, it just was funny. We just would laugh, we would say, oh, that jacket looks amazing on you. You definitely need another one, like, because it didn't actually impact anything. But I recognized, you know, down the road, like this actually isn't helpful and we could be doing with our finances. And so really, because society teaches us that it's really important to have all the newest and be super in fashion and have it's very consumerism driven and to finally be confident enough to be like, I can buy that and I don't want to and I don't need it. I can have my kid all dressed in designer or I cannot and like it actually doesn't matter.

Yeah. Especially because you've been in both sides. Yep. You seen that you were able to grow up stable, happy and yeah. Family that was loving and didn't have that much.

Yeah. Socioeconomic has nothing to do with it.

Right. It's really what the other person is, is looking around and comparing. Do you see comparison playing a part in how your kids are growing up now and how you did?

Oh, mercy. Not a ton for me. No. I sort of gave those games up a long time ago.

But when you're growing up, did you compare yourself?

Yeah, for sure. I remember my older sister who is so beautiful and amazing. She gave me a pair of guest jeans when I was in junior high and that just was huge.

Yes.

Right. Because I was used to just, you know, the hand me downs that my mom would have to sew up to fit me and feeling awkward. You definitely. I don't, I don't think anybody escapes adolescence without comparing. Yeah, I think some might do it to a greater degree, especially based off of like their family culture and comparing. Like, people say that it's the devil, but our brains do it. Our brains do it. And we can learn from it or we can suffer from it. And we get to choose.

Right. So when you, when you guys had that big change of your income, did you already have kids?

We had three of our four children. Yeah.

Okay. And how have you been teaching your kids about money?

Yeah, we talk about money, which I think is important. And like I said, I've talked about what a budget looks like. I've also done an exercise where with my kids who are getting ready to launch, you know, I'll look at three different apartments and, you know, furniture and like, okay, let's write your future budget of. Well, this apartment comes furnished and this one doesn't. And what are you going to. And they think, oh, well, I'm going to have all this money. And they see how quickly it goes every month.

And.

And then also I think teaching, like, about investing and being intelligent with our money and how it doesn't actually create happiness. Like all of those kind of things are where I try to focus, kind of hold loosely.

Right. It's important, but it doesn't define everything.

Yeah. It's necessary to survive in our society the way that it's constructed.

Right.

And it can.

Yeah, yeah.

It can be fun, but it's a. It's not a defining feature of our value or other people's value. And it. It's something that we can, you know, easy come, easy go. We don't have to cling on to it and have scarcity around it and.

Right. It's a flow. Right. It's always coming in and you're using it. You make some more and you save some. Right. It's a good rhythm. So tell me, do you give your kids, you know, probably you give them advice. Do they take your advice? How do they take your advice? And then when they don't take. How do you take it?

Specifically around money or generally.

It could be.

Generally depends on the kid. Some kids really listen and some kids are like, oh, maybe that works for you. And then they go do their own thing, which is fine.

Was there an example about money that you told one of your kids to do something or to think about it and they did another way?

I know. So we also have a Dominican son that came to us as an adult. We hosted him. And anyway, he lives two doors down now, and he. When he lived here, he would eat out like every day for lunch. We're like, that's totally fine. Let's add it up and see if that's actually how you want to spend your money. So then he started packing his own lunch some days. Right. I mean, sometimes they listen. Like, my adult kids ask, well, what kind of credit card should I get to establish my credit and how should I use it? And they listen to that. Yeah. I don't know. Kids do what they want. And I think that the more significant thing is just to model financial intelligence for them and then answer their questions and have convert. Don't make it taboo. You know, this is where Our finances are. And this is what's going on. This was where we're choosing to invest. And this is. I've shown all my kids those budgets that I first had. You know, living off $989 for a month or like whatever. Like and right. Meeting it within a dollar.

Like I think it's, it's because the way you are presenting and how money is not that big deal, then if they don't do something that you tell them to do, it sounds like it was not a big deal for you either that they're going to learn the lesson or they're going to write something new. And for them was not that. That traumatic experience if they don't do something. Correct.

Yeah. Nobody's going to starve or be homeless. It's not a big deal. That's great.

Did you pay, do you make them get money from working or you gave them allowance or they would just come and ask you when they needed?

We don't do allowance. I think that kids just need to contribute to the home as being a member of the home. So that's not really something that I've ever done. They have done odd jobs like selling cotton candy or rock tumbling or you know, of course your 6 year old wants a lemonade stand. They've done stuff like that. And then also we've encouraged them to get jobs once they have their driver's license and they've done that and done a great job with it.

Do you see their difference about how they relate to money? Like one is more of a spender, one is a saver.

Oh yeah, totally. It's so personality. You know, we help with college but like we don't buy Taco Bell or Starbucks or you know, getting your nails done, that kind of thing. And so people who want that can get a job and pay for that themselves. No very much of a difference. Some just nickel and dime their income down with, with fast food and ulta beauty. And some people save and save and save and then they'll buy some really nice speakers and that's the only thing that they buy for themselves. Right?

Yeah, well, but it's fun that, to see how that, that you're in the same household but people come out differently. It's really interesting.

Oh yeah.

How do you continue growing your financial understanding? What do you do?

There's, there's somebody on Instagram that I really like. Her name's Tori. She. I've listened to some of her podcasts. She wrote. Oh, now I can't think of it. Financial feminist I think is the name of her book. I haven't ordered it yet. I want to. I really like her content as far as. As a woman that sometimes we aren't as in the know or expected as much of financially. And she's got some really interesting takes on that that I enjoy listening to. Not a huge Dave Ramsey fan, so I do listen to stuff. I mainly consume content like on social media. If.

If we're being honest, you and your husband working together?

Yeah, yeah. And of course. So we're a team and we think of different investments and we like investing in his business as well as real estate and other things. So I don't spend a ton of time educating myself unless I feel that it's necessary for something that we're wanting to do, like buy a property or something.

Let's see.

There's someone out there listening to us that's in the same situation that you.

Were when you were a young married.

Couple with little kids and your husband and still going to school and you're surviving the month with a very small income. What would you say to this?

Mom, happiness is available to you right now because money can't buy happiness. It can buy fun. It would have been fun to have better dates, you know, more expensive dinners or more lavish activities with my husband. But just being with him when I got to. When we would get to go out was fun. Being able to handle babysitters or fly home, that would have been fun and helpful. But money is not the indicator for happiness.

That is great because sometimes we just need someone to tell us that when we're really down the dumps and we think that, of course, looking at everybody around us, how they're doing or how they look like they're doing and knowing that is so important.

Yeah. It's all in where your focus is. If you're focusing on not having enough, you'll be unhappy. If you focus on the areas where you do have enough, you'll be happy.

I agree. That's a great point. All right, so to end our conversation, I have a couple of rapid fire questions for you. So what?

I love it comes to mind.

Okay, what was the worst financial decision you ever made?

Late night online shopping.

End up with some things that you're not. You didn't wanna.

Or buying things to make the salesperson happy. Have you ever done that? You don't want to hurt their feelings, so you buy something you're not sure that you'll like. I have.

What was the thing that you bought? Do you remember?

Oh, like clothes yeah, Just because I really like the. A person that helps me out at the store. And so sometimes I buy stuff that I don't love just to be nice, which is stupid.

Yeah. Well, I felt sometimes trapped when someone invites you for one of those house party things.

Oh, yeah. I always just. Yes, yes. And those were so rampant when we were so poor because everybody wanted to make money. So is their side hustle. So when I got an invitation, I would say, I can come, but my husband said, I can't bring any money with me. And it wasn't because he was controlling. It's because I didn't want to spend any money because I did the budget. So I made him the goat.

That's okay.

But sometimes some women would get really pushy and be like, you just tell your husband that you need stamps and that they make you happy. And I'm like, girl, you don't even know. I do the budget. He doesn't have time to do the I do the budget. I've actually always run the. The money in our house.

Well, some of us are more detail oriented or more administrative type.

Yes, yes.

So that's. That's just fine.

Yes.

That's why it's a good combination.

Yeah, totally.

And then here's another one. What was the most useless thing that you ever bought?

Oh, the most useless thing I ever bought? You stumped me.

Well, it could be something that you really wanted, and you bought it, and then it didn't do what you wanted.

Oh, like my 10th, 11th, and 12th purses. Yeah.

Well, and now on the other side, what was something that you bought? They turn out better than you expected?

Probably our house.

Okay.

We've only ever lived in this one house that we didn't. That we owned. Yeah.

It was broken. You had all the fixes. But then you guys. It turned out to be great. Yep. All right, Heather, thank you so much for spending this time and. And walking down memory lane and sharing a little bit about how you're raising your kids. Now tell the audience where they can get your book. Tell a little bit about your coaching practice, about your podcast. Just take it away. Yeah. Okay.

Well, everything is in one place, and it's at my website, which is heatherfraser.com Frazier is F R a Z I E R. There's a Z I in the middle. So not like the TV show. My book, How I Fixed my Teen is a quick read. It's just over a hundred pages. I have questions in the back for book groups and journaling. And it really. The thing that I'm hearing the most is how much it's helped people to love themselves and how they couldn't put it down and how quickly and readily they were able to see themselves to make changes. It really is such an easy read. Will have you laughing and crying and learning better emotional skills all at the same time. It's getting great reviews. I'm really excited about it. It's on my website. I coach one on one and then I also have a parenting course, Family connection design course. And just if people are interested in the course, it's $197. But if you buy the book, I offer it for $47 as. As a bundle it with the book and it comes with a monthly office hours, calls to chat with me and it's five modules. Again, I try to make things as condensed and enjoyable as possible so that people will actually do the course or read the book so that they can make the improvements that they're wanting to make. Because if it's boring, it could be the most useful information ever and nobody's going to get to the end of it.

They would start and then.

Or if it's just like, like nobody wants that. So I try not to do that. And then I also have two group courses that I do throughout the school year. So parents of seniors, because launching, launching a child is its own little creature. And then like junior high, middle school parents because also the onset of puberty really stinks.

Absolutely.

Yeah. When your kid is like abducted and this alien takes over in their room and you're like, what happened to my kid that used to like me?

Yeah, it's. It's really important. This part is really important because there are a few seasons of our lives where our, our brain changes so much. One is from, you know, when they're little, like five and two, they're nine. And then that's a big jump right there. When they get into the pre teen years, it's huge.

And it really throws parents for a loop, actually. So my podcast is called Pivot Parenting because you have to pivot from what worked with littles to how to deal with bigs.

Yes.

There's. It's a total different tool set.

Yeah. And then eventually you get to pivot again when they're young adults. Yep. Right. Y. It's. It's very interesting to navigate that and I am grateful that you took on this job and has so many resources available to us to as parents, as moms. And I'm going to get my copy today. I'm really excited.

Well, you'll have to tell me what you think.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for being part of the Money's not your Problem podcast.

Thank you.

And this was my conversation with Heather Fraser. I hope you enjoyed this episode and.

If you have children at home, I highly recommend you go get her book. I'll see you next time on another.

Episode of the Money's NOT YOUR Problem podcaste. Brevio Brigada thank you for listening to today's episode. I want to take a moment to extend a special invitation to all of our listeners. If you're ready to finally become good with money both in your pocket and in your mind, then I want to to introduce you to a transformative opportunity, the Chief Financial Mom Academy. Our program is designed specifically for working moms of faith who are tired of feeling overwhelmed by their finances, constantly juggling priorities and feeling like they're always broke. You will learn how to manage your money effectively, build wealth and achieve your long term goals through practical lessons, personalized guidance and a supportive community. If you're ready to say goodbye to financial stress and hello to financial freedom, I encourage you to join us at StrasbourgCoaching.com forward/join CFM Again, it's StrasbourgCoaching.com forward the/J-O I N C F M Take the first step towards a brighter future for yourself and for your family today. Thank you again for listening and remember, the future you who is good with money is in your hands. We'll see you in the Cheap Financial Mom Academy. Obrigado.