7 Steps For Accepting Your (Meth-y) Past

Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of crystal meth and live their best and highest life. Today we are talking about the 7-step plan for accepting your past on crystal methamphetamine. And if you are struggling with shame and regret of what you saw, what you said, and what you participated in while on meth, keep listening to the entirety of this video. On this channel, you're going to find lots of resources to help you break free from Tina and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast called The Aftermath Podcast. It's here on this channel as well. I drop a long-form video just like this one every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bells, subscribe so you don't miss any. By the way, if you are interested in my one-on-one coaching program, it's called Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly 101 sessions, weekly group sessions, daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months from now without going to rehab. Okay. So this week is story time again from my life, my, my life with meth. So if you can imagine me receiving my little number from a front desk, I got my number and I found my seat in the crowded room, the crowded waiting room. The whole atrium was packed full of people, but I managed to find one little solo chair, right? The chatter from everybody talking echoed across the A-frame ceilings. Across. I don't know why I said across. Occasionally, this chattering was interrupted by the shrieks of lots of unruly children running around, their mothers screaming at them. Uh, screaming commands in vain because the kids weren't listening. It was a mess. When I was sitting there, I recognized an employee from the organization who was walking by. So I pulled my cap over my eyes and I kept my stare on the piece of paper in my hand. And I remember the number 482. Just then, a voice over the loudspeaker broke through the ambiance of the chatter. Number 476. I sighed, and I continued to stare at my small piece of paper and wondered how long I was going to have to wait. This was me, one week Tina-free, and still one outfit to my name. Shirt and pants that were on my back. Sure, I could have easily walked into a Walmart and stole as many clothes as I wanted, but that shoplifting behavior belongs— belonged to an older version of me, a version that died that day that my children begged me to stop using meth. So my new version, my meth-free version, was someone I had never met yet, but he was sat there waiting for his turn to peruse the nonprofit free clothing store. This was one of the organizations that participated in my doctoral dissertation. I studied 5 large nonprofits for my dissertation. This was one of them. I knew this organization in and out, and I knew everyone who worked there. And now here I was, a client of that same organization that I studied. I was homeless, humbled, and humiliated. How could I ever accept what I had done with my life? How could I ever come to terms? with the darkness I had been through? And how could I ever show my face in this city again that I couldn't leave because I was in drug treatment court? My loves, my brothers, my peeps, that journey of acceptance was long and at times painful and at times still going. But as I sit here talking to you in front of this laptop, as I sit here as a recovery coach, In my own home, with all kinds of outfits, my own car. I can tell you, the suffering was all worth it. And many of you are still stuck in the shame of what you've done, or even what you continue to do on crystal meth. And not only did we burn our lives to the ground through meth use, we also participated in some dark-ass shit. Conversations we had that bring cringe to us now when we think back. Sexual acts that we pray are never, ever on video that comes out. Comfort in houses and places that seem scary now. Friendships with people who brought danger to our lives. How can we move on from this? How can we quiet those haunting memories? In my experience, it takes acceptance. Not just making peace with our past, but completely revolutionizing our relationship with our story. So here is my 7-step plan for accepting your past on crystal methamphetamine. All right. Number 1, stop trying to change your past. First thing is you must realize that the more you try to fix or alter Your past, the more you stay trapped in it. You're expecting and expending energy on something that cannot be changed no matter what you do. You know, there were many mornings I would wake up from a restless sleep early in recovery and with entertaining flashbacks from my Tina days, and then I would spend most of my day wishing I would have made different decisions. What a waste of time. Reliving scenarios in my head, only to be left feeling even more shameful. Many of us think that coming to a place of acceptance means I'm okay with what happened, and that is not it. It's about becoming the compassionate observer. If you listen to me at all, you know what I, I've said this so many times, the compassionate observer of your own story. Instead of being the person frantically trying to erase the past, You become the researcher, the witness, the one taking notes with genuine curiosity of your story so that you can rewrite it and write a new one. You may even try speaking in the third person when referring to what happened while using meth. So for me, that meant I used to write in third person. I would write about my memories, so it'd be something like this. Dallas pissed on a man in his front yard in broad daylight, risking being arrested and risking his children possibly pulling up on a bike and witnessing the act. When I framed the memory in that way, I could step outside and view my behavior from that version of me, not on meth, looking at the version of me on meth. Whatever we can do to detach our identity from what we did, Is freedom. Doesn't make it okay, but it just is what it is. Think about it this way. When you're in a shame spiral about something you did while using, you're not actually in the present moment, right? You're trapped. You're trapped in a mental prison of your own making. Acceptance is about stepping out of that prison because you have the key and saying, okay, This is a part of my story. What can I learn from it? And how can this transform me now? So if you want a journal prompt to journal about this, list 3 things you're currently struggling to accept. And for each one, write, what emotions come up when I think about it? What do I fear would happen if I accepted it? And what might become possible? If I do accept it? Those are important questions. You might want to pause and answer them now. Number 2, it wasn't you, it was you on meth. Let's shatter some illusions here about who you were during active addiction. This isn't about making excuses. This isn't about not taking accountability. It's about understanding the neuroscience of what actually happened to your brain on crystal meth. When you were using, your brain's reward system was literally hijacked. The decisions you made weren't coming from your authentic self. They were coming from a brain that had been chemically rewired to prioritize the drug above everything else. Your values, your desires, your sense of self, all of it was filtered through the lens of addiction. Not necessarily addiction to the substance either. But to the state of mind the experience gave you. The actions you took while on meth do not define who you are. They define what happens when a crystal meth person, when you, they define what happens when crystal meth hijacks a human brain. Period. Understanding this isn't about avoiding responsibility. But it's about creating the clarity needed for true healing. Getting past it so you can work with it. You are asking questions like, am I really into child porn? Or do I really like eating someone else's shit? Or for a man who identifies as straight, he might ask, am I gay? Listen, you know who you are. You know what you enjoy sexually. Just because it seemed hot while on meth does not mean that it exists somewhere in your brain waiting to be discovered. You will drive yourself insane questioning why you did and said those things or watched those types of pornography. You did it. Now it's time to take the opportunity to rewrite, rewrite what turns you on. It's a clean slate that most people Never even get. So here's an integration exercise for this. Write a letter. Write a letter from your recovering self to your addicted self. I want you to express the understanding, acknowledge the pain, share your commitment to healing you both. Then write a letter from your authentic self to your recovering self, your soul self, right? Offering encouragement and acceptance to help accept it, right? All right. Number 3, stop thinking that you are special. Let's talk about, about this, the shame that's keeping you up at night. You know, those memories that you don't want to speak about, those memories that make your stomach turn, the scenes that you can't bear to replay, that give you cold sweats. I carried all that too. And I was thinking that they were only mine alone, that I was really bad, that I had done some stuff that nobody else did, right? It was unique. In my own darkness, but when I began sharing with other men who had been on meth, I found that we all had dabbled in taboo areas. Some were worse than mine, right? If you want to, maybe I shouldn't say that. Some were more extreme than mine. How's that? We are all harboring some sort of dark past that has haunted our present. Listen, shame is universal in our community. With or without myth. But here's something else. Shame is also optional. Yes, you heard that right. Shame is not a mandatory tax you have to pay for your past. It's a lens through which you choose to view your story, and it's a lens that you can choose to switch. We are made to feel as if we have to pay some You owe nothing to no one. Real alchemy happens when you start seeing your darkest moments, not as evidence of your worthlessness, but as proof of your resilience. Every rock bottom moment and choice you regret are not just things that happen to you. They're experiences. They're opportunities to be transformed into wisdom. And that wisdom will not only help you, but help others heal. Here's a weekly practice for you in terms of shame resilience. Share one shame story in a safe recovery space. Notice how others respond and write about how sharing changed your relationship to the shame of that event. And then practice some self-compassion, right? Try it. All right. Number 4. Write your own story. So your story isn't just a series of events. That has happened. Your story is a narrative you are actively creating. You write it, no one else. You are the meaning maker of the events of your life. Your life can be as awful or as wonderful as you label it. You can view events in your life as in the way of recovery or Or on the way of recovery. Literally everything you blame for using— work stress, family drama, triggers, finances, breakups, relapse— these events are all neutral. They're awaiting you to label them good or bad. All the power is in you. And right now, you must tell yourself a story about being broken and damaged and unworthy, and that's keeping you back. But what if you flipped the script? What if every choice you made in addiction or active use wasn't about your worthlessness, but about deep human need for connection, escape from pain, feeling alive? There's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking these. And what if your journey isn't a tragedy? It's this journey of a hero. It's a journey of transformation. There's a reason for all of this. And this isn't just toxic positivity and ignoring the horrors of meth use or denying the pain of it. It's about expanding your perspective to hold both the darkness and the light of your past and loving it all. Your story isn't over. You're in the middle of the most powerful chapter right now. Journal prompts. What has my addiction experience Taught me about myself? What strengths have I discovered in recovery? And how might my story help someone else who is struggling? Number 5, the old you must die. So let's talk about this for a minute. What acceptance actually creates. When you accept the past, you create space for the death of that version of you. Your old self. And yes, I mean death. Not transformation, not change, actual death of an identity. The person you were while you were using meth needs to die for your authentic self to emerge. This is where most recovery programs are not getting it right. They focus on abstinence, behavior modification, And changing what you do. But what's the real healing? It's about changing who you are at the deepest level. It's about allowing everything you thought you were to die so that something authentic can be born. The death process isn't about learning anything new. It's about unlearning everything you thought you knew about yourself. Life conditioning gives us a set of beliefs about our— that create the lens through which we see our world. I'm not lovable. Everyone leaves me. My emotions don't matter. I'm not smart enough. These are beliefs that we pick up early on. For instance, if you inherently believe that you aren't lovable, you'll attract partners who remind you of that. You'll experience family members who turn their back on you. You'll attract friends who dominate, control, and criticize you. Eventually, you'll turn to meth because the Tina scene helped you feel lovable, at least temporarily. You have to allow that version of you who holds that belief to die and create a new version who believes the opposite. I am always lovable. It happens naturally when you stop Fighting what was, start nurturing what could be, and find all the examples that I am lovable. What is an example? Your dog? You have to go to your pet? Find examples that you're lovable. Here's a question for you. Think back to all of your past partners. What did you feel during the relationship? How did you feel? Write down the emotions most prevalent in each relationship and then see how you are basically dating the same guy over and over. And then decide what belief must I be holding to attract the same type of person. Number 6, find your tribe. So forget everything you think or what you think you know about support groups and support systems. This isn't about having people to call when you feel triggered and having a list of numbers. This is about creating a sacred container to allow you to transform. Your recovery community isn't just a group of people. Who understand your past, they are witnesses to your rebirth. They allow you to evolve. They never hold you to a past version of yourself. They forget who you were even yesterday and allow you to evolve and grow. They validate your experience. They never were— use the word should. You should do that or you shouldn't do this. They never make you feel obligated. If anyone in your current support network consistently violates any of that that I just said, consider cutting the ties from them immediately. It's not worth it. Every time you share your truth and let yourself be seen in your vulnerability, you're not just getting support, you're participating in a sacred act of transformation. You are becoming your best and highest self. But you need the right space to do that. You are given the space in different groups that will help you reinvent and be reborn. And then the magic happens when you stop trying to recover by yourself and start allowing yourself to be initiated into a new way of being, showing up differently in the world and through relationships with others who are also trying to show up differently in the world. You have to surround yourself with people who are also growing on the growth path. Listen, your tribe doesn't have to be people in recovery, and they don't have to be gay. Don't ever limit yourself when it comes to choosing the tribe that participates in your healing. I want you to follow your heart and not your head. So if you're looking for a community, maybe identify 3 people that you trust and then share one thing you're working to accept with one of them. this week and notice how the sharing is received. Write that down. See if you feel shameful, obligated, or inspired. All right. Number 7, acceptance is one choice at a time. So just like recovery, there is no destination here. Acceptance is a daily choice. Your joy and your growth, it all comes from the journey of acceptance. Your healing comes from the daily act Of seeing life in a new way, in responding to circumstances as if they're happening for you, not to you. Acceptance is a vision of your best and highest version that picks you up out of the shame and carries you forward. You accept what was and you move forward. You choose, you can choose the past, which is shame, or you can choose the future, which is self-compassion. This isn't about one day at a time in the traditional sense. It's about moment By moment choices to see yourself through eyes of love rather than judgment. It's about catching yourself in the old patterns of shame and consciously choosing a different way. Some days you'll do this beautifully, and other days you'll fall back into old patterns. Both are part of the acceptance journey. Both are perfect. Both are leading you home to yourself if you allow them. Love. Everything that comes up. That's it. That's it. If you want to start your morning with a meditation, start each day with saying, I accept my past as part of my story. I accept myself as worthy of the future. I accept that today is a new opportunity. I choose to focus my energy on healing. Listen, acceptance of your past is about transforming Your entire relationship with yourself. It is about deep, deep healing. And guess what? When you heal yourself, you heal the community. You heal everyone connected to you. You're not just in recovery here. You're not just trying to be Tina free. You're in a process of radical transformation. And every time you choose acceptance over shame, or love over fear, or truth over hiding. You're not just changing your own life. You're changing the narrative for every one of our brothers who are suffering from this substance, who's still out there in silence, afraid, afraid to say what they did. Stay curious, stay compassionate, stay committed to your highest evolution. It is time. It is time to become who you were always meant to be. I'm here to help. And I love you. Mm. I'll see you next week.