Chemsex Recovery: Distraction Phase

Hey there, Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we continue with our 4-part series, taking a deep dive into the 4 phases of chemsex recovery in the first 12 weeks, or approximately. Today we're talking about the 3rd phase. It's called the distraction phase. So keep in mind as you watch and you listen that these phases are not set in stone, and this is not an exact science, and it's not research-based. It's my anecdotal observations. Okay, but try to find yourself somewhere in each of these phases. Use the suggestions to build long-term recovery. On this channel, you're gonna find lots of resources to help you break free from chemsex and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermeth Podcast here on this channel as well. I drop a long-form video just like this one every Saturday, so don't forget to turn on the notification bell and subscribe to the channel so you don't miss anything else. By the way, if you are interested, I have a group coaching program called Recovery Alchemy. I also take a few one-on-one clients too. The link to apply for these programs is in the show notes. Through weekly sessions, weekly all-client group sessions, your life could look much differently in 6 months to 12 weeks to 6 months than it does right now. So I need to be honest with you before we start this one. Part 3, and you can find links to Part 1 and Part 2 in the show notes of this series, is the one I wish somebody had handed to me when I was 7 weeks into my own recovery and I was staring at a ceiling at 2:00 AM wondering like why I felt so absolutely nothing about the decision that had felt so monumental just a month earlier to stop using. If you're reading this and you're currently in weeks 7 through 9, I want you to know something right now before we go any further. You are not failing. You are exactly where you're supposed to be. So let's talk about the distraction phase. It's the most dangerous stretch of the first 90 days, and it's where the majority of the relapses happen. Not because people are weak and not because you're doing bad or they didn't wanna do it enough, you know, badly enough, but because nobody warned them that this phase was coming. So when it hit, mistook a predictable neurological event As a personal failure. So I'm gonna make sure that that doesn't happen to you. All right, so here's what happens around week 7. You wake up and the resolve is just kind of gone. Not gone dramatically, not gone like a fight or a crisis, just gone like a faucet that somebody turned off in the middle of the night. You didn't hear it happen. You just notice the silence. The excitement from the honeymoon phase is a distant memory. The profound insights from the epiphany phase still in your journal, but they seem like somebody else wrote them. The words are the same, but the feeling behind them has evaporated. Everything feels gray. You just go through the motions. You get up, you go to work, you eat something, you come home, but there's no juice in any of it. The world hasn't changed. You've just stopped being able to feel it. And then something worse happens. Tiredness sets in, right? Not the physical tiredness. You're probably sleeping okay. This is a bone-deep exhaustion that lives in your soul. You're tired of the constant vigilance, tired of saying no, tired of meetings and check-ins and journal and therapy and all the fucking work that recovery demands every single day without a break. The energy it takes to not use has become the control factor Central factor, sorry, of your existence. It's everything. And you're starting to wonder if this is what the rest of your life looks like. The joyous grind of consistently resisting something while feeling nothing in return. So you're probably thinking, is this it? That's the most dangerous thought in recovery. And it's gonna get louder in this stage. So here's what actually happens in your brain. If you understand the neuroscience here, because it's going to save you from the story your brain is about to tell you. You are in post-acute withdrawal syndrome. Pause. When you were using meth, your brain was being flooded with anywhere from 500 to 1,250 units of dopamine or more compared to 100 to 150 units that normal pleasurable activities produce. Your brain adapted to this tsunami by downregulating its dopamine receptors. It literally dismantled parts of its own reward system to survive the onslaught you were giving it. Now that the meth is gone, those receptors are slowly rebuilding, but slowly is the operative word. And at 7 weeks, your brain's reward system is still significantly impaired. The things that used to bring you pleasure— food, music, exercise, conversation, sex— register at a fraction of of their normal intensity. It's not depression, although it looks like it and feels like it. This is your brain in reconstruction. The blueprints are drawn, the foundation is poured, but the building isn't finished yet. You're living in a half-built house, wondering why it doesn't feel like home yet. On top of the neurochemistry, you're experiencing decision fatigue. Every hour you spend not using is a decision, often an unconscious one. But a decision nonetheless. Your brain has been making this decision thousands of times a day for 7 weeks, and it is exhausted. The prefrontal cortex that handles impulse control and decision-making is running on fumes. This combination— a reward system that can't feel pleasure and a decision-making system that's depleted— creates the perfect conditions for relapse. And not because you're weak, because you're human. And your brain is doing exactly what any brain would do under these conditions. So let's look at a 7-week relapse. I've watched this play out so many times, I could probably just script it. I know it's coming, and here's how it usually goes. Monday, you skip on your morning routine, not deliberately. You tell yourself you'll get back on track tomorrow. Tuesday, you cancel therapy, skip a meeting, blow off your group coaching call. You tell yourself you need a break. You do need a break. But this is the kind of break that heals. This is the kind of break that creates a gap in your armor. Wednesday, you're scrolling through Instagram and you linger on a photo from somebody who used to party with you. You don't reach out, but you don't scroll past either. You sit with it for about 30 seconds longer than you should. Thursday, you start romanticizing. Not the drug itself, that's too obvious. You romanticize the lifestyle, the spontaneity, The edginess, the excitement, the feeling of being desired, the way a room full of men on meth made you feel like the center of the universe, even though it was a lie. Your brain starts editing the tape. It softens the comedowns, it blurs the shame, it sharpens the highs and cuts the consequences. That's euphoric recall. And it's the most sophisticated form of self-deception your brain is capable of. So Friday, you think one message won't hurt. I'm not going to use. I'm just going to see how he's doing. Saturday, you're using, and you wake up on Sunday in the exact same shame spiral you were in 8 weeks ago, except now it's even worse because you knew better. I'm telling you this not to scare you, but I wanna prepare you so you have more confidence and less fear. When you can see the pattern from the outside, you're less likely to get swept up in it from the inside. So here are 5 lies that your brain will tell you in the distraction phase. Lie number 1, maybe I wasn't that bad. This is the granddaddy of all relapse lies. Your brain has spent weeks softening the memories, and now it's presenting you with an edited highlight reel of your using days. You remember the connection, the sexual intensity, the freedom from anxiety. You conveniently forget the 3-day comedowns, the paranoia, the lies, the lost jobs, the broken relationships, the person in the mirror that you can't look at. The counter is read the letter you wrote to yourself in week 1, the one with the unedited truth. Your past self knew things that your current self is trying to forget. You need to remember it. Lie number 2, I can control it this time. Now that you've been through therapy and had all these epiphanies, surely you could use occasionally a manager, right? You understand yourself so much better now. You know your triggers. You're a different person. The counter to that is you are a different person, and that different person's brain still has the same hijacked reward system. Understanding your patterns intellectually does not change them neurochemistry— neurologically does not change the neurochemistry. The first hit will produce the same dopamine flood it always did, and now your newly rebuilt but still fragile reward system. will very much crumble under the weight of it. Lie number 3, recovery shouldn't be this hard. You look at other people in recovery who seem to be thriving, right? They're posting gym selfies, going on dates, having sex, building businesses, and you wonder what's wrong with you. You're doing everything right and you feel like shit. Clearly you're broken in some fundamental way that other people aren't. The counter to that is you are comparing your insides to other people's outsides. Every single person who has made it through their first 90 days has walked through this exact desert. The ones who look like they're thriving either aren't in weeks 7 through 9, or they're performing. Nobody coasts through this. Lie number 4, I don't need all this support anymore. This is the lie that kills me and will kill you. You start pulling back from your support systems precisely when you need them most. You skip meetings because you've heard it all before. You stop texting your accountability partner cuz you don't wanna be a burden. You cancel therapy because you need a break. The counter to this, this is your addiction clearing the field. It's removing every person and every structure that stands between you and a repeat, a relapse. If you are pulling back from support in the distraction phase, that is a 5-alarm fire, not a reasonable lifestyle choice. Number 5, everyone else is having fun. You see guys on social media living their best lives, their parties, their travel, their connections. They can be on Grindr and they can be on Sniffies and You feel like you're watching the world through a window while sitting in a gray room. FOMO doesn't begin to even describe what that feels like. It feels like you've been sentenced to a life of deprivation while everyone else gets to live. So here's the counter to that. You are not being deprived. You are healing. And the fun you're watching other people have is either not what it seems, or it's leading them into the exact same place you just crawled out of. You didn't leave the party because it was boring. You left because it was killing you. The gray room is a temporary stop. The consequences going back to that party are not temporary. So here's a survival strategy. I'm going to be very blunt here. This phase is not about growth and it's not about insight. This is about transformation, real transformation. Your only job in weeks 7 through 9 is to not use and to come out on the other side. That's it. Everything else is a bonus. So number 1, fall back on your systems. This is why you built the systems in the other stages, not for the good old days, for this day right now. Show up to meetings even when you don't want to. Text your accountability partner even when you have nothing to say. Follow your schedule even when every cell in your body is screaming that it doesn't matter. Your motivation is a liar right now. Don't follow it. Follow the plan you made when you could think clearly. Trust the version of you who built these systems in week 1. The person knew this day was coming back then. Your past self is telling your present self this was bound to happen, right? So read the letter every single day during this phase. Read the letter you wrote to your 7-week self. If you didn't write one, and some of you didn't, and that's okay, write one now. Doesn't have to be the same raw power as the one written in week 1 when you're right in the— right out of a relapse or right in the beginning, but it will still work. Describe the worst of your using, not the highlights, the worst, the moment that broke you. Take yourself back there. The consequence that those— that the consequences can't undo, right? The person you hurt, the version of yourself you never wanted to be again, the things you did, the things you watched, things you participated in. Your present brain can't be trusted to make decisions right now. So let the past self Or your brutally honest present self do the deciding. Number 3, you've heard it all before. Play the tape forward. You've heard this every time you romanticize using, and you're going to multiple times a day. Maybe force yourself to play the entire tape, not just the first hit, not just a few hours. Play the full 48-hour movie or however long your binges are. The initial rush, the redosing, then the compulsive sexual behavior that escalates beyond what you'd consent to sober. The sleep deprivation, the paranoia, then the comedown that feels like your soul has been scraped out with a spoon. Then the 3 days of sleeping and eating and hating yourself, or longer. Then the shame, then the promises. That's the cycle. Play it all every time. Don't let your brain stop the tape at the good part. 4, increase your accountability. When you're feeling the best, increase it. Tell your accountability partner, your coach, your therapist, I'm in the distraction phase right now. I need more. I feel good, and that's— I know that I need more check-ins, more frequent contact, more intrusive questions. Here's my, here's my location. Give them explicit permission to ask you the hard questions. Have you been on any apps? Have you contacted anyone from your using days? Have you had any fleeting thoughts of using? Have you been romanticizing? Are you being totally honest with me right now? What are you leaving out? All of this is temporary though. You don't need this level of monitoring forever. But right now you need it. You need a net 'cause you're walking a tightrope and the wind just picked up. All right, number 5, disrupt your patterns. Your brain is trying to fall back into old grooves. Tuesday night restlessness, the Friday evening loneliness, the Sunday morning emptiness that used to be filled by a weekend binge. Blow up your schedule. Take a different route home from work. Go to a movie on a Tuesday at 7:00 PM. Visit a friend in another city on the weekend. Make plans with grandma Saturday morning. Sign up for a cooking class on Friday night. Do something so far outside of your normal pattern that your brain can't autopilot you into the danger zone. So look, the goal isn't to have fun. You might not be capable of fun right now. That is okay. The goal is to interrupt the neural pathways that lead to using. You're taking charge. All right, number 6, sit with the boredom. Sit with the boredom. Sit with the boredom. Your brain is going to scream for stimulation. It's going to tell you that this grayness, this flatness, this absolute absence of intensity is completely unbearable. It's going to frame boredom as an emergency. It's not an emergency. It's discomfort. Discomfort won't kill you, although it might feel like it will. Boredom is your brain in withdrawal from artificial intensity. The grayness is the space between your old life and your new one. It's the hallway. It's buffering. It's a transition. You're passing through it, but you're not gonna stay there. So sit with it. Sit with the boredom. Breathe through it. Let it be exactly as boring and flat and gray as it is, because on the other side of that, If you can just hold on, your brain's reward system will continue to heal and colors will start to come back. 7. Remember the timeline. Pause is not permanent. The neurochemical desert you're in right now has an expiration date. The dopamine receptors are rebuilding. Your prefrontal cortex is getting stronger. Your brain's ability to experience natural pleasure is coming back online while slowly, a little bit every day. And you won't feel like this forever, I promise. But you have to survive this phase to get to the part where it gets better. So what's coming next here? In part 4, we end this series and we enter into the Your Way phase, the crossroads where your recovery either becomes authentically yours or collapses under the weight of performance. This is where you discover your real why, where breakthroughs and breakdowns Both become possible and where you decide whether you're building a life you don't need to escape from or you're just white-knuckling through someone else's version of recovery. That's next. Right now, your only job is to survive this phase. Don't use today. That's the whole assignment. And if today feels like too much, don't use for the next hour. And if the next hour feels like too much, don't use for the next 5 minutes. String enough 5-minute decisions together and eventually you'll be standing on the other side of this thing. And you're gonna be wondering, how did I do that? How? I made it through. I'll tell you how. One decision at a time, held up by systems that you were smart enough to build when you could still think clearly. You built for this phase. You prepared for it. It's a preemptive strike. Now trust what you built. Trust the process and do it. All right. Love you. See y'all next week.