Choosing Freedom (Isn’t It Time?)

Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we're talking about breaking free from the approval addiction and how to live in a place of freedom. If you've been wanting to have more freedom in your life, keep watching this entire video. On this channel, you're going to find lots of resources to help you break free from chemsex and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermath Podcast. It's here on this channel as well, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcast. I'll drop a long-form video just like this every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell so you don't miss anything and subscribe to the channel. By the way, if you're interested, I have a one-on-one coaching program. It's called Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly one-on-one sessions, weekly group sessions, and daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months than it does right now. All right, so today is part 4, the last part of our series called Breaking Free from the Approval Trap. We are following a client of mine who we're going to call Marcus. We're talking today about Marcus's new path. So the links to part 1, part 2, and part 3 will also be in the show notes. So Marcus is sitting across from me on a Zoom call. Something's very different. There's a settledness in his body. that wasn't there 6 months ago, a quietness in his eyes. I had a moment this week, he says, that made me realize how far I've come. Wouldn't that be nice? He tells me about getting to a gay bar with his friends, his first time in that environment since getting substance-free. So the old triggers were all there, guys checking him out or the guys that aren't checking him out, opportunities to perform, seek validation, attention, that ever-present question of whether he was attractive or not, interesting enough, desirable enough. 2 months ago, I would have been checking myself in every reflection, adjusting my shirt, trying to make eye contact with the hottest guys in the room, he says, or I would have just not gone entirely because I knew I'd get triggered and I want to use. So I say, what was different this time? He says, I was just there, present, having actual conversations with my friends. When I caught myself starting to perform for somebody's attention, I paused and I asked myself the question, what am I really seeking right now? And I realized I wasn't seeking anything. I was actually okay just being me. He pauses. I could see emotion rising up. For the first time in my life, I didn't need the room to validate me, to feel okay about me. What would that be like? This is what freedom looks like. Not the absence of triggers, but the presence of choice. So there's a daily practice of freedom. Freedom from validation addiction isn't a destination you reach. It's a daily practice that you commit to. Marcus has learned. He's learned all of this, but he's learned it the hard way. In his first months of working with me, he'd have breakthrough moments in our sessions, feel amazing for a few days, and then slowly drift back into old patterns. The compulsive app checking would creep back in, the fishing for compliments, the performing at work meetings. He says, I get so frustrated. I think, I already learned this. Why am I here again? Because transformation is not a linear process. It's cyclical. But it's a spiral up. You learn something, you practice it, you forget it, you remember it, you practice it again, deepen it, forget it in a new way, remember it more deeply. The difference between somebody who transforms and somebody who stays stuck isn't that the transformed person never backslides or forgets. It's that they have practices to return to when they do. Marcus now has a morning routine that grounds him in self-validation before he ever picks up that phone. 10 minutes every morning, no exceptions. So let's look at his morning validation practice. 3 things he validates about himself, not accomplishments, not outward external things, but qualities of character or moments of authenticity From that previous day. One way he showed up as his genuine self. One moment he chose conscious validation over compulsive seeking of validation. There's a difference. And if you listen to this series, you'll know. One thing he gives himself permission to be that day or to feel that day. I give my permission, self-permission to. And one thing he doesn't need anyone else to tell him. He says, it felt stupid at first, like I was just making stuff up. But after a few weeks, something shifted. I started actually believing what I was writing. My nervous system started to register that I could be my own source of validation. This is the foundation. When you start your day by validating yourself, you're not desperately empty when you encounter the world. You have something inside to draw from. So let's look at the 90-second rule. The practice that's been most transformative for Marcus is what we call the 90-second rule, and he uses it multiple times a day. Now, research shows that an emotion, when fully felt without resisting it, moves through your nervous system in about 90 seconds. Same thing with a craving. The only reason emotions or cravings last longer is that we keep retriggering them with our thoughts. or trying to escape them with our behaviors. When Marcus feels the urge to seek validation, whether it's opening Grindr, posting for likes on Instagram, performing in a meeting, he stops, sets a timer on his phone, and he feels the discomfort for 90 seconds without doing anything about it. The first time I tried it, I was convinced it wouldn't work, he told me. Nobody believes me usually, but the urge to check his phone felt so intense, like he would die if he didn't. But he says, I set the timer and I just felt it. I let it sit in my body where it was, let it intensify. What did it feel like? 60 seconds, it peaked. 90 seconds, it decreased. And suddenly I had a choice, he says. About whether to open the app or not to open the app, but I made the call, not my subconscious, not my default patterns. He wasn't being controlled by compulsion anymore. He had a space between stimulus and response. That space is freedom. Now he uses it everywhere. Before opening hookup apps, before posting on social media, before seeking reassurance from friends, before performing for approval at work, before checking on his phone compulsively, 90 seconds of feeling the discomfort instead of immediately medicating it. And in that 90 seconds, the compulsion loses its charge, loses its power. So let's talk about sex. Sex without validation. One of the hardest areas for Marcus and most men that I work with to transform has been his sexual life. Sex and validation have become so intertwined, he could not separate them. Every sexual experience was a performance review, he says. Did I get hard fast enough? Did I last long enough? Did I make them come? Was my body good enough? Was I a good top? Was I a good bottom? Was I good verse? The whole time he was in his head performing, trying to get validated as good at sex instead of actually experiencing the pleasure or the connection. And when the validation didn't come, when someone didn't respond after a hookup, or when he couldn't perform the way he wanted, the shame spiral would begin. I'm not desirable. Something's wrong with me. I need to fix this. And Crystal would start to whisper its promises. Learning to have sex for connection and pleasure rather than validation has been a complete reprogramming for Marcus. Now, before any sexual encounter, he does a check-in with himself. Here's what the check-in looks like. What am I genuinely seeking right now? Sexual pleasure or sexual sensation. Connection with another person. To feel desired. To feel validated. To numb uncomfortable feelings. To prove something about myself. Can I be authentic and vulnerable, or am I performing sexually? If the answer is primarily about seeking validation or performing, He does not proceed, not because seeking validation through sex is bad, but because he knows it doesn't actually meet the need and often triggers his cravings. When he does choose to engage sexually, he practices staying present, feeling sensations in his body, being honest about what he's feeling and what he desires, letting go of performance. Connecting authentically with his partner and not measuring his worth by the outcome. He says, I had sex last week. It wasn't perfect by the old me standards. I didn't stay hard the whole time. We had to adjust what we were doing. Old me would've spiraled in shame, but I just stayed present, connected with my partner. I communicated. I laughed a little. And we still had a good time. And afterwards, I didn't need him to tell me I was amazing or attractive. I felt okay and proud of myself. That is sexual freedom. Not the perfect performance, not the pornography performance, but authentic presence. So let's back up and talk about the apps. Grindr, Sniffies, right? Marcus, Never deleted his hookup apps. It surprises a lot of people when I tell them, because anyone who follows my content will attest to that, how I vehemently recommend blocking geosocial dating apps and deactivating social media in the beginning. But at a certain point, almost every gay man I know is gonna return to the app eventually. So why not return with intention, right? Here's the thing. The apps aren't the problem. The compulsive validating seeking way, validation seeking way he was using them. was the problem. Deleting and blocking apps can be a very healthy boundary for some people, especially in early recovery. But for Marcus, learning to use them consciously, to have choice about when and how he engages, has been more empowering than simply just eliminating them and bypassing them. So now, before opening an app, Marcus has a protocol. Number 1, he pauses. He doesn't open it automatically when he wants to. He notices the impulse. And then number 2, he names that need. What am I really seeking right now before I open this? Sexual connection or validation that I'm desirable? Reminder that I'm pretty? Am I trying to numb loneliness and boredom? Am I trying to escape uncomfortable feelings? Number three, you check alternatives, right? Whatever the need is, can I meet that need in another way? Can I meet that need without opening the app? If I'm seeking connection, can I text or call a friend? If I'm seeking validation, can I validate myself right now? If I'm escaping feelings, can I feel them for ninety seconds first, right? So number four is you decide consciously. If I choose to open this app. Am I doing so from empowerment or desperation? Empowerment looks like I have a clear intention, I'm protecting my sobriety, and I can handle any outcome. But when you're desperate, you're trying to escape feelings. You gotta have sex right now. You're— and you measure your worth by the responses you're getting and how many, how many clicks and woofs and whatever they are that you get on these apps. Your sobriety is at risk. You know it. So number 5 is you set a boundary. If you're going to open it, if you've gone through this whole checklist and you still open the app, how long will you engage in it? What is your exit plan? Right? So Marcus says that most of the time when I go through this protocol, I realize I don't actually wanna even open that app. I want something else. I want connection with somebody. I want to be validated. I want distraction. And there are better ways to get this. But sometimes I do it consciously. I'm looking to meet someone. I'm horny. I'm clear about what I want, and I'm not desperately needing validation from how many responses I get. And I don't have to have sex right this second. The apps don't control him anymore. He controls how and when he uses them. There's also a body image shift that he's, he's seen. Marcus's body was his primary validation machine for many years. If his abs were visible, he felt valuable. If he gained 5 pounds, he felt worthless. The gym wasn't about health and fitness. It was about maintaining the body that would get him validation. He said he would work out twice a day sometimes, not because he enjoyed it, but because he was terrified of losing the attention his body got him. Every meal was calculated. Every mirror was a judgment. His body became a full-time fucking job of seeking validation. In my program, Recovery Alchemy, we worked on separating his body from his worth. Wasn't about caring about his body; it was about caring for it from a different place. So Marcus started a practice called body gratitude. So every day he writes down one thing his body did that nothing had nothing to do with appearance, right? One way he showed his body kindness, and one appearance-based judgment that he. tried to let go of. So for instance, yesterday my body walked 3 miles and I carried all my groceries. I fed and nourished— I fed it with nourishing food without calculating calories. I let go of the judgment that my arms aren't big enough. So those are 3 things, simple stuff. But it's retraining his brain to see his body as something that serves him, not something that he needs to be perfect for approval. He also did a 1-week challenge, no body checking in mirrors beyond necessary grooming, no comparing himself to others on social media, no weighing himself, no comments about his or other bodies. And he says like the first 2 days he felt anxious, like he needed to know if he still looked good and acceptable. But by day 4, something started to shift for him. He says, I realized how much mental energy I was spending On appearance-based validation. And when I stopped feeding that loop, I had so much more energy for actual living. He could devote his energy into something else. Now Marcus works out because it feels good. It feels good for his body, supports his mental health, not because he's desperate for Instagram likes. And not just— he's not always ready to get that gym selfie up, right? And he also has created a validation inner circle. This is important. Because Marcus learned that he needed healthy validation from trusted people in his life, not as a replacement for self-validation. Here's the thing, but it's a supplement because we are wired as humans for connection. We need validation from others. It's not a pathology when it's the right kind of validation from the right people. So he identified 5 people who gave him healthy validation. His best friend from college, Who happens to know his whole story, his sister who's seen him at his worst and still loves him, a guy from the Recovery Alchemy group, me, his coach. These people actually know him. They actually know him, not the performance him. And they validate who he is and not just what he does. And they don't require him to hide parts of himself. And they give him validation that feels grounding. Not like a hit he needs more of. And these are people who can give him validation and he can give it back. It's reciprocity. So he says, like, when my sister tells me she's proud of how I'm showing up in recovery, it lands differently than when a stranger on Grindr tells me I'm hot. One feels nourishing, the other feels empty. He also learned to remove or reduce sources of unhealthy validation, certain friends who only related to him through partying and hookup culture, Instagram accounts that triggered comparison and body shame, situations where he felt pressure to perform for approval. He says, I used to think I needed everyone to validate me, he says, but now I realize I need a few people to truly see me, and that's enough. So your journey begins because Marcus's story is just getting started. He's still in the process of transformation. He's still practicing. He's still learning, but he's free in a way that he never was before. Free to be himself, free to feel his feelings, free from the desperate need for constant external validation. And he's substance-free doing it. One day at a time, one conscious choice at a time, one moment of self-validation at a time. This freedom is available to you too. It starts with recognizing the prison you're in, seeing how validation addiction has been running your life and connecting you to your substance use. It deepens with understanding of where it came from. Having compassion for that wounded child who developed these patterns to survive. If you remember, Marcus was invalidated as a child. It transforms through integration, working with your needs instead of against them, learning healthy validation from unhealthy validation instead of saying, I don't need validation. It's developing the capacity to validate yourself, and it sustains through daily practice. The morning validations, the 90-second rule pauses, the conscious choices, the rejection resilience, the craving protocols. You don't have to do this perfectly, but you do have to do it. And you don't have to do it all at once. You do have to do it. You don't have to do it all at once though. But you do just have to begin. Begin by seeing your patterns. Begin by understanding yourself with compassion. Begin by practicing self-validation, even if it feels fake at first. Fake it till you make it. Begin by choosing consciousness Over compulsion, even just once. I want you to begin by believing that freedom is possible for you, because it is. Your validation addiction makes sense, and it served you through many years. But now, integration, self-awareness, practice— you can transform it into something that actually nourishes you. Instead of depleting your energy. You can stay substance-free through validation wounds. You can stay substance-free through healing all of those wounds. You can be authentically yourself without needing constant approval. You can build genuine connections instead of performing for the crowds. You can feel okay about yourself. Even when others don't validate you. This is the freedom waiting on the other side of this work. Marcus found it. I found it. And so can you. All right. I hope you've enjoyed this series. I would welcome your comments. Please get involved. Like I said, like, subscribe, put on the notification bell, share, all the stuff. I would really like your help getting this channel to more and more people. See you next week.