EP 1:33 Redefining Intimacy Post-Meth

I was like, how the hell do I fit these 2 worlds together? Like porn and semi-professional? And it finally hit me this year after I was a coach on set.

Welcome to the Aftermath Podcast. This is your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal meth addict, now sobriety coach. Join me on my mission to increase awareness around the epidemic of crystal meth among the gay male population and create a repository of resources for current and past addicts, as well as and especially for their loved ones. This is The Aftermeth. Trigger warning: this podcast will contain discussions pertaining to drug and alcohol misuse. If you feel triggered to use or relapse, Please call SAMHSA's National Hotline at 1-800-662-HELP. Also, if you are new in your sobriety journey and you feel like you could be triggered by discussions around drug, alcohol, and sex misuse, please do not listen to this podcast. All right, now on with the show. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. I am happy to have my new buddy that I met on Instagram. I go out and when I see someone on Instagram that just catches my eye and makes me listen for more than 5 seconds to a reel, then I will zero in and pester them until they come on my podcast. So, but it wasn't too hard for you, Alex. It wasn't too hard to get you to agree to work with me.

No.

And I just I'm really impressed by your generosity and your willingness to be open to talking with me because I see you, you know, I have a tendency to see people on hierarchies and I shouldn't. But in Instagram and social media these days, it's easy to look at followers and engagement and say, oh, that person's never going to pay attention to me. But you did right away. And I appreciate that.

Of course, of course. I'm so happy to be here.

Good. Well, Alex, welcome to The Aftermath. Um, if you're listening and you love the podcast, or you just started watching the podcast, please take time to rate and review. And if you would do that, then I could stop saying it every single podcast. If you would listen and go do it, um, and it will get into the algorithm and get in front of everybody that it needs to get in front of. But really happy with the growth of the podcast. Um, you guys are really getting the word out there and it's all across the globe and I'm just happy. I'm happy for the, the feedback that we're getting. Um, there are guys that are saying, listen, I get— you're the best cockblock ever, is what they say to me because they get triggered, they want to go party, and some of them will just turn on the podcast and listen to my horrible voice on the podcast and my guests, and all of a sudden they don't want to have sex anymore. Isn't that nice? So whatever it takes—

Compliment within an insult.

Yeah, right. Whatever it takes to keep you sober. Alex, would you like to introduce yourself to us? Tell us what it is you do as a coach and anything else that you feel is important.

Sure. So hi everyone, I am Coach Alex Ray. You can just call me Alex. I'm an intimacy coach, and I help queer people get what they truly want in dating and relationships and sex, whether it's casual or committed or anything in between. And things you should know about me: I grew up evangelical Christian. I had a lot of shame and guilt from my upbringing that, without giving everyone like too much of a shocker, like that led me to the Super depressed path. I was on and off medications. I tried to end my life in 2017, and thankfully was not successful in that. And it was the process of coming out of that and finding the right resources, the right therapy, and the right coaching that I got to where I am today. Would not be here on my own, and I'm really thankful. for the people who invested their time and energy and nonjudgmental love to show me that who we are authentically, me, you, everyone listening, is enough exactly as you are right now. And so I feel like that's kind of the core message that's always underlying all of the work that I do. Wow.

I love that there is someone in the queer community saying that, because we all need to hear that. We are just enough the way we are. And how do you help someone embody that? How do you convince them after— how did you convince yourself after years of evangel— I'm sorry, evangelistic Christian?

Evangelical Christian.

Evangelical Christian, yeah. Um, I grew up in Pentecostal holiness. And so many of, you know, so many of the gay guys that I talked to that go into crystal meth, they have a lot of religious trauma. How did you get through that? How did you work through it?

Well, the biggest turnaround for me was after I hit my rock bottom going into, I obviously had to be in a an inpatient facility after I basically ingested a bunch of stuff that should have killed me and I like miraculously did not die from it. And so I had to go into the hospital first to get, you know, dialysis and everything to get my body back to like functioning totally fine on its own. And then I had to be in an inpatient facility. And it was those 2 facilities, being in the hospital, being in the inpatient facility, that was the first kind of crack in that mindset. Because for the first time, I wasn't working. I wasn't like earning money. I wasn't performing. I wasn't doing things in order to get people to like me or care about me. I couldn't. I was stuck in a fucking bed.

Right.

Doing nothing. And somehow these strangers cared about me and they showed me so much kindness and love. And that was the first time that I realized, whoa, wait a minute.

Hmm.

Maybe there's a possibility that it's not what I do That gives me value. And then another big crack in the mindset was in a therapy session a couple weeks later after getting out of the hospital. My therapist and I found what I like to call an idea seed, a super simple thought that can be put into just one sentence that grew in my mind into a really prosperous oak tree, really. Thick, sturdy trunk, lots of branches. And it was a— it became the way that I thought about the world. And so what I didn't realize is that a lot of my thought patterns that seemed totally random were actually affected by this tiny little seed that had planted and rooted all over the way that I thought. And that seed was, I am not enough.

Mm-hmm.

And that belief was who came from religion, because I was told that all my good works are but dirty rags to the Lord. Love that verse. I was told that like, I'm such a disgusting piece of shit that God decided to murder his own son in the most disgusting, gruesome way possible. On a cross, uh, and be tortured to death that way, um, because that's what it took in order to like atone for how horrible I am. And so, you know, many other things obviously, but those 2 messages really stuck with me that like, okay, who I am at my core is horrible.

Mm-hmm.

And I need to constantly be atoning For even though I knew religion told me there was nothing I could do, I needed to at least try my best to atone for being so terrible. And then you add being gay on top of that, and that was—

Right.

Yeah.

No death on the cross can make up for you being gay.

None.

Nuh-uh.

How can we make it even more torturous? That'll help, right? Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, um, what I've never heard it put that way in terms of a seed that branches out and affects all of your, your beliefs, because that's what I try to get down to with my clients in meth addiction is there is a belief in your core.

Mm-hmm.

That's affecting your perspective on the world. That's affecting how you think, how you react. And it's affecting your relationships, your work relationships, your romantic relationships, your friends, how you see yourself. It is, if you can uncover that, you've unlocked not just sobriety, but, you know, a different way of living. Yeah. Yeah.

Some of the other core ones that I've heard are Like, I'm not worthy. I don't belong. I'm unwanted.

Yeah.

Those simple, simple one-sentence beliefs have an enormous impact.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not wanted. That's mine. That's my, that's my flavor of I'm not enough. I'm not wanted. And yeah. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. Well, you, you uncovered that and you turned it around. You changed your— what did you, you, you changed? You put a new seed in? What, how did you, you, you uprooted that one and planted a new one? Yeah.

Yeah. I think it had to start with first recognizing, is there any way that, that we could see that this idea is not true? And whenever you're trying to deconstruct any of these beliefs, it's really helpful to start with just questioning the idea from whatever perspective you're starting with. So for me, I was currently at that time, you know, totally invested in Christianity still. And so my therapist had to approach it from that same lens in order for it to be effective. Telling me that like all of that was made up and doesn't matter wouldn't have helped. What she did was very helpful and she had me question, well, wait a minute, there's another option here. What if you're actually so enough, you're worth dying for?

Mm-hmm.

And I went, huh. Well, that's much different than like, I'm so disgusting, someone had to die for me.

Oh.

I'm worth dying for. So that helped flip it without change, without me having to change much of my worldview. And then over the course of the next 2, 3, 4 years, and even— what are, what are we, um, I'm doing some quick math here— about almost 7 years later now, that I'm still every now and then I What's this random feeling of shame that I'm having? Especially when it's something like sexual, and I gotta go, oh yeah, wait a minute, that's religion still. Or when I realize, why am I anxious in my relationship when I haven't unloaded the dishwasher? Oh yeah, because I'm worried that I'm not enough for my boyfriend. And he's going to be like, too upset with me because I'm behind on chores. And then the whole relationship is going to end because clearly he's with me because I'm good at loading the dishwasher.

I'm not enough on my own.

And then I have to go, oh, it's that thought again. It's—

Yeah.

I'm not enough. And usually I don't, I don't try in that moment to like, double down and fix it because that adds more shame. I usually just start in that moment by going, oh, it's that thing I do. Okay. I can laugh at it. It's not a big deal.

Yeah. Yeah. Awareness. Being aware of it is really the key, right? It's just totally, yeah. Being aware that's there. Well, I have to really, there's no segue to this, but I'm looking, I'm looking at, looking at your, your everything that you're doing, uh, reviewing it too before the podcast. But we talked about your OnlyFans.

We did.

And I thought it was so interesting. I— if I, if I ever, uh, subscribe to an OnlyFans, it's going to be yours.

I'm honored.

I— well, for one thing, I love that it's $7.77. I don't know, I just, I love that part for some reason. But To hear you describe it, I think, I think it's interesting. I think that if you could talk about your OnlyFans, why you have it, how it fits into your coaching, but also, I want to highlight the fact that you're having a lot of sex, like good, like good sex.

Rolling in the back of my head.

Yeah, like hot sex sober. Because you're completely sober.

I'm totally sober. Yeah.

Yeah. So how do you do that? I love that question. Yeah.

Well, that's like kind of what it's all kind of what my work is all about. The— well, not all, not every. It's a lot of what my work is about. So yeah, I'll give everyone like a little sneak preview because I don't want you to leave yet. I want you to stick around for this. But I will tell you all, we'll get to the part where I tell you how I had the most amazing— for my first collab video that I ever did on OnlyFans was one of the most wonderful, like, highs I've ever had. Um, and I didn't actually even ejaculate on that one. So, uh, yeah, that was really cool.

Hmm.

But to, to start at the beginning, I, I think because of growing up evangelical, I've always had this curiosity about everything that it wasn't allowed. And so like, the porn world has always been really interesting to me. I also naturally just really see people as people, rather than as objects or somebody being like all bad or all good. I think we're all humans. And so that kind of approach of my natural approach of curiosity and like, little to no judgment. I've always just been interested. I kind of really wanted to know porn stars. I wanted to know the people that were outcasts from society. And I wanted to like hang out with them. I wanted to hear about what it was like to be them and what it was like to be in their world. And I did work with some of them in my coaching and had some on my podcast. I was like, man, this is really cool. And I can't remember if it was either before that or after that. that I started my OnlyFans account. Like, I registered. It takes a couple days to a couple weeks to get all the paperwork sorted out on their end. Because they are very careful about making sure you're of age. But that was 2, more than 2 years ago now. And then I didn't know, how do I fit this into my existing brand of Coach Alex Ray? Because what I do in coaching has always been this talk about things. I use a lot of metaphors. I use some somatic work where we work with your body. I even do some like mediumship too. I have clients that are really spiritual and enjoy that stuff. But I was like, how the hell do I fit these 2 worlds together? Like, porn and Semi-professional.

Yeah.

And it finally hit me this year after I was a coach on set for Davey Wavey's Hemeros. Davey and I co-wrote a series together called Enough. And it's a 12-part series about eroticizing different ways gay men don't feel like they are enough. And flipping it on their head to show that you are enough as you are authentically. And after hanging out with the porn stars for, you know, a week, because we do it like a retreat, okay, I was like, oh my God, that took away all the fear that I still had about getting into this world.

Hmm.

And I finally saw, okay, 2 years later, now I know how this fits into my work. And the way it fits in is people learn a lot about sex from porn.

Mm-hmm.

And I have always done teaching behind, like, in my coaching about sex. But why not give people videos that they can see explicitly what it means to behave this way, to do these things? In a sexual way. And why not also meet people where they're at? Like, who doesn't want to learn while getting off?

Never really thought about learning. Yeah, coupling the two.

Yeah.

Learn while you jerk. Learn jerk.

Exactly.

Or whatever. Yeah.

Interesting. There's a long little journey to— yeah, how I started it.

And, and so in your— what makes your OnlyFans different then?

I call it content that you can learn from and get off to.

Right. So, so what are we learning? We're learning intimacy.

You're learning intimacy. There's a few different series I have planned. So the first one was all about creating emotional, intimate, vulnerable connection with somebody.

Yeah. Yeah.

I have a couple other series that I'm happy to like spoil, give everyone a little preview of what's coming. I am going to be doing a series on like mindful masturbation, ways to really connect with your body and your mind and have like a wonderful orgasmic eruption rather than just like a quick jerk and go.

Mm-hmm.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I love all kinds of getting off.

No, no, I want to stop there because mindful masturbation is a huge topic for us. And when we come out of a meth addiction, our sexual template is deleted, right? And because meth just deletes it, and we have to— we're pretty much starting over. And one of the things that I have my clients do and have practiced I'd love to hear more about your, your take on it. But it's mindful masturbation. And that's just kind of not using porn, actually, and coming up with scenarios that turn you on that aren't, you know, that aren't tied to meth.

Yeah.

Because when we have meth sex, it's very— it's, you know, taboo. It's dark. It's, you know, it's gangbang. It's whatever. cum dumps, you know, which is, which is fine. That could turn you on. But when you're trying to start over, you want to, you want to be turned on by sex and not think of meth right away.

Totally. So mindful masturbation triggered the moment you got— try to go masturbate.

Right. So for me, I envisioned the man that I wanted. And, and I envisioned the sex that I wanted to have. Over and over as I, as I would, you know, as I would masturbate. Sometimes I would, sometimes I would come, sometimes I couldn't. Sometimes I could get hard, sometimes I couldn't. But, um, it did give me a lot of practice for, as you know, like now I'm actually in a relationship.

And it—

Oddly enough, oddly enough, this man looks a lot just like the one I kept picturing. So I think I manifested him. Hell yeah, I manifested him. So, you know, it's interesting. I think that mindful masturbation is something that you don't hear a lot about, and that you're doing a series of it. I think I'm sending my people to you for sure.

Love it.

100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of the things that I'm going to be doing in that series are going to be helping people get off to themselves, to be turned on by your body, by your mind, by your— you. Um, so we'll work with things like, um, what you can see in the mirror. We'll work with things like your own body smells.

Mm.

Um, getting off on your own pheromones is really fun. Uh, getting off on even connecting with shame. And there's some really cool things that you can do That are very— oh my God, the word's escaping me. Um, doesn't matter, whatever. It's when you turn one thing into another thing. There's that example of like turning lead into gold.

Oh, alchemy.

Thank you. Alchemy is the word I'm looking for. Yeah, you can really alchemize shame into a really powerful orgasm. And that can be really fun.

I want to know more about that. Sign me, sign me the fuck up for this. I'm on, I'm in it.

And then another series that I have planned is going to be taking the, like, more risky sex scenarios and doing educational pieces on how to do it without the same level of real danger. So ways to get to have a really, really hot kind of a non, you know, ass up face down kind of a scenario without actually opening your door to anyone and everyone. And, you know, I've had friends that have been assaulted that way. And so I really want people to be able to see, oh, I can still act out a lot of these fantasies, but there's a way that we can do it. with more safety and more consent, uh, that can still be really, really hot and give you the mental stimulation, the thrill that you're looking for.

Yeah, I love this. I love this. This is perfect. Honestly, this is perfect. This is more perfect than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. Uh, because the, the, the thing is, is that, you know, the question that we have to ask meth— coming out of a meth addiction is what turns you on before meth, right? It's kind of a go-to question that we get. Well, for one thing, some people have been— have never had sober sex, so they don't know what turns them on.

Yeah.

But some people say, look, I'm still turned on by being a cum dump by an anonymous whatever. And so this is a way you can still have that, but not this whole thing of putting an ad on Craigslist with your address Or, you know, or whatever on Grindr, and anybody comes, you know, or sniffies when you can sign up for these, you know, orgies or whatever. But this is safe. This is still getting what you need, but in a safe way. And I just love it. I love that you're doing this. This is, this is so needed in this community. So needed.

Yeah, I'm glad. I would so, so love to welcome in more addicts so that they can Can see like, oh, hey, cool. I can still, can still enjoy sex after meth.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's the biggest inhibitor. That's the biggest question always. Because it fuses together, meth and sex fuses together and you take meth away, you take the sex away. So then you have no nothing, you have no libido for a long time. And then anything sexually sexual gets you triggered.

Totally.

And not only that, meth addicts come out of their addiction traumatized. They're traumatized by gay men. They're traumatized by what they did. And so one thing that we try to teach them to do is establish intimacy as a beginning step. So, yeah, what you're the intimacy coach? Is there any— without giving away your coaching, of course, but is there— what would you say to someone who just right out of an addiction, they're really trying to make it in recovery, and they're scared to death of intimacy?

What—

where would you start with them?

So I would start with what's the lowest risk relationship you can experiment with more intimacy in? A lot of a lot of times, if we take it, let's go to a completely different scenario. Just so it's a and then we'll bring it back. I think it's sometimes easiest to see it outside of ourselves before we apply it to ourselves. So if somebody's working through, if somebody is trans and they've recently discovered that about themselves, and now they're working on. Playing with their gender expression, wearing different clothes or trying out makeup or, or going by a different name is going to be really challenging to do right away with your closest friend, because your friend or your family members, whoever has in their brain like a file folder of all the things that make up Alex. And if all these things are being contradicted, Now that's a huge ask for them, and they're probably not— even if they're super accepting and loving and trying their best, it's gonna take them a moment to understand and get on board, and they're probably gonna make a lot of mistakes.

Hmm.

But if I go out to, um, to Target and I'm walking around in stilettos and I like— and a full beat, uh, Full beat face. Like, there's no problem. None of these strangers know me. For all they know, like, this is my everyday. They have no idea whether this is my first day or day 1,000.

Hmm.

So the same thing happens when we're talking about, about intimacy. A lot of times, it can be a lot more challenging, especially for people that are in like long-term relationships and are trying to work on more intimacy with, like, their partner, that can stir up a lot of fear, because there's such an attachment there, versus a friend would be a step further away. And a stranger would be a step even further. So I would recommend if you're trying to start out practicing intimacy, find some baby steps that you can do with someone that you don't know super well. It could even be like your barber, or it could be the Uber driver. And you could just start practicing opening up about how your day is actually going. If you've been having a shit day, tell them, honestly, it hasn't been so great.

Mm-hmm. That leads me to the question of what is intimacy? Because we think automatically intimacy involves sexual expression or sex, but what is it? What— how would you define intimacy?

I would define intimacy as authentic connection between 2 or more people. It doesn't have to be sexual. It doesn't even have to be physical. I think it's Typically easier for a lot of gay men to start with the physical intimacy.

Yeah.

But because those are tied so close together, especially when we're talking about somebody that's a recovering addict and wanting to, like, figure out intimacy without substance, Without substances, then it's going to be really hard to start instantly just having a physical intimate connection with somebody. It's going to be a lot easier, though, to practice. I mean, it's still going to be challenging, but it, it could be a lot easier to start with emotional intimacy with someone first. And that also is what lays the foundation to have true physical intimacy.

Yeah, yeah. And getting into that vulnerable place, establishing trust with your Uber driver or whoever, right, that's going to give you practice, it seems like, to get into vulnerability when you went into a real— an emotion or a, a romantic type relationship, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if you think about, like, anonymous sex, if you're just a condom, and you don't even see the face of whoever's coming inside you. So there, I would say that has the least amount of intimacy possible, right? Because you're not— there is no being authentically yourself with that person. The only thing that you are with that person is purely a physical body, just a physical whole. And so there is some level of vulnerability there. You're naked.

Mm-hmm.

And there's some level of of like physical risk there, but there's no emotional risk because you don't even know what they look like.

Right, right, right. So risk is what we're looking at too. Taking a risk emotionally.

Yeah, that's a great way to say it.

Yeah, sharing something that feels risky, scary.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it doesn't have to be 10 out of 10 scary. We like start with like a 1 or a 2 or maybe a 3. Don't go— you're gonna frustrate yourself and be discouraged and want to quit if you try to do 10 out of 10 every time.

Yeah, that's good advice. That's great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

The other big hurdle for a meth addict is, and one of the reasons we get into it in the first place, is our self-confidence. Um, and this ties into your podcast that you can, you can plug if you want.

Yeah, the Queer Confidence Podcast.

Queer Confidence Podcast. Um, so, you know, it— I think in the community, the way that it is in terms of the mainstream community, um, it can be difficult.

Gay community?

Gay community, yeah. It can be difficult to have confidence because you're, you know, you're kind of expected to look a certain way, um, to be a certain way, to travel, to have all these friends, to, you know, to have the picture in Puerto Vallarta at the, at the, you know, at the whatever, at the resorts and with your six-pack. And so, Yeah. social media has been, has been such a bane of my existence in terms of coaching men to get in recovery. Because what I'm finding, and what I found in my own life, was, yeah, downloading Grindr was the beginning of the dominoes that made me relapse into crystal meth. But I downloaded Grindr because of a picture I saw on Instagram.

Right.

And a picture I saw on Instagram made me feel insecure about myself and triggered my— triggered my thought of, I do not belong. Right.

Yeah.

Um, and so anyway, but it also contributes to a lot of lack of confidence in ourselves. So what would you— could you give like a, I don't know, a, a beginner's guide, a 101? If I, if I want to start today to begin to build my self-confidence, what would you say?

I love this. I got 3 simple steps for this because this has been like the core What I've done for years. First of all, I also kind of want to— I'd like to define confidence as the certainty in yourself that no matter what, you're going to have your own back, you're going to be kind to yourself.

Hmm.

So going over to the 3 steps that I've been teaching for a while. The first step is being willing to be uncomfortable. So if you want to grow your confidence, like at, let's say, some kind of like gay gathering, maybe it's on Fire Island, right?

Mm-hmm.

And you know, oh, okay, here's this group down the beach that I do not feel comfortable around because I'm worried that they're going to be judging me the whole time. Yeah. You could decide, okay, well, I'm going to be willing to be uncomfortable going into this crowd or just walking by this crowd. The second step would be, uh, to take action towards that discomfort. So it's like, if it's uncomfortable for you Because you're worried that they're judging you, or you're judging yourself, whatever it is, you're feeling like you're not good enough, they're so much hotter than you, take action towards it. So taking action towards it would be going and walking down the beach, you don't even have to necessarily interact with them, we're just trying to build the confidence a little bit here. So maybe we just walk by the group.

Hmm.

For those that are not really that scared by it, okay, maybe your assignment for yourself is to go introduce yourself. to one of these guys who you think is hot and intimidating. Like I said, it doesn't need to be 10 out of 10.

Yeah.

That's a 10 right now, like dial it back. And then the last step is have your own back. So that looks like being kind to yourself on the other side. It looks like preparing ahead of time, knowing, okay, I'm going to do this exercise because I want to work on my confidence. And I know that my brain is automatically going to come up with a lot of asshole comments to say to me. A lot of fear is going to probably hit. I'm committed, though, to reminding myself that it's not necessarily true. And this is just my insecurity talking. It's just the fear talking. And I'm going to get over this eventually. So then putting it all together would look like, okay, I see that group. I know that I wanna work on my confidence in this area. I'm going to go walk down to that group. I'm either just gonna go walk past them or I'm gonna go introduce myself to someone. No matter how it goes, no matter what they do, we don't really give a shit. As soon as we get back to our spot, we're focused on, okay, I did that. I'm proud of myself for doing that. That was a step in the right direction. And second, any of these like nasty thoughts my brain is coming up with, they're not necessarily true. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. What is true? Such a powerful question, right? Because what is true in that situation? What is true is I walked down and I walked back. I did what I said I was going to do.

Yeah.

What they think of me, you don't know. So you don't know what's true.

You did not ask them. You do not know.

Yeah, yeah. So baby steps, guys. Baby steps. And being kind to yourself, right? Uh, and, and knowing that this takes— it's a process, right? I mean, it took the— I think what— I think what we have a hard time with is understanding that because it happened so quick, you lost your self-confidence. A lot of times because of a 30-second comment your mother made when you were 5, right? Like, I had a friend with an eating disorder because of one comment when she went to go grab another biscuit at dinner and the mother said, no, you're too fat for that.

Oh.

Or something like that. That one comment, you know, it's— so it's taken her a lifetime to undo. And I think that we, we just feel like it's unfair that we have to work so hard to, to undo these things, but to build your self-confidence, it's a building, right? It's a building process. Patience, time.

Yeah. I think going back to the very beginning, like, remember that these, these little IGS seeds become, they plant really, really sturdy trees, different, like thought patterns that are pervasive throughout your mind. So They're not— when you discover it, it's not silly. Don't make fun of yourself for it. Like, it's normal.

Yeah.

Very normal. And it's going to take a long time to overcome that tree because you don't have the luxury of a chainsaw. You've got like a pair of scissors, and it's gonna take a long time to trim these little branches before you upgrade to some loppers, and then eventually Eventually, you might be able to take a chainsaw to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that.

Great.

You work with couples too, I noticed, to restore what, intimacy, to help them find more sexual spice? Absolutely. Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry.

No, no. What were you asking?

Well, I have a lot of couples. There's some couples that come to me, they're both in recovery from crystal meth. They're trying to figure out how in the hell to proceed because their libido is tied up in meth as well. When they think of getting turned on, they think of meth.

Sure.

They're trying to figure each other out again and really learn what turns each other on. Then I have couples that are, one is an addict or one's in recovery and one isn't. Have you dealt with that? What would you say to, what would you say to a couple who has been through a meth addiction together? Now they're starting over and how do they establish any type of new intimacy or learn each other again?

So I don't have personal experience yet. Working with a couple in one of those situations. But what I would start with is, I'd first want to know, what's your current, like, relationship agreement? Are you monogamous or non-monogamous? Because that's going to make a big difference on where the direction I'd recommend we go to start. Because remember when I said earlier, it's easier to practice with a lower pressure?

Yeah.

Person. If they're non-monogamous, if they're open or whatever label they use, then it's going to be a lot easier probably for them to work with. Obviously, if they're working with someone like you or like me on the core of their relationship, that probably is foundation. I would not do this on your own.

You're good.

Like, nothing like this on your own is going to go that well.

Yeah.

Get support, get support. And I've always feared getting support throughout my life. But every time I do get support, it goes so much better and so much quicker than when I tried to do it on my own.

Yeah.

So after you have the support already, then if they're non-monogamous, I would say there are things that they could experiment with someone who is sober and Like, preferably someone that either has been sober for a long time, or someone that is totally sober, they've never even used crystal meth before, but they have compassion and understanding for someone who has, so that they can come into the sexual experience with compassion and understanding, no shame, no guilt. And give whoever's in recovery the opportunity to experiment with someone who is already very comfortable with sober sex. That way, it's a little bit less of like the blind leading the blind, you know?

Yeah.

If they're monogamous, then I would, uh, I would recommend, again, you gotta get some kind of outside support. Just trying to do that in a silo, just the two of you, uh, is a recipe for disaster. And I wouldn't want to see a couple who matches so well, but they try to go through this difficult thing and then it breaks them up. And like, that would be a tragedy if all you needed was just a little external support to get through it together.

Yeah.

And it would probably look like some really structured, intentional sexual practices together, where you both partners are taking little baby steps towards intimacy, into baby steps towards being turned on again, baby steps towards eventually reaching an orgasm without any substances.

I wonder if that— I wonder if it would help if they did like a dual mindful masturbation, like, you know, masturbating together, maybe talking to each other. Yeah, without the porn. I don't know. What do you think?

I think that's a great idea. Yeah, I think now that you brought that up, I think it also could be really helpful for them to work individually on masturbating on their own. And then talk about afterwards. What was that experience like for each of you? What did you notice? What did you like about it? What did you not like about it? What worked well? What didn't really work well? Because they could also learn from each other's solo masturbation. And then together, like you recommended, masturbating together could be Really powerful. But I imagine depending on how much shame or insecurity is built up, being intimate with each other, being sexual with each other without any substances could be really challenging to start with.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another time, patience, consistency. You know, that's kind of the theme. Everybody I ask on these podcasts, that's what it all comes down to. You know, it's a process. Patience, patience, patience.

Right.

Yeah. Okay. So what are you seeing in your work with gay men? Is it only gay men? Trans?

I work with anyone. I work with anyone in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Okay.

I do also work with non-queer people, but Primarily with—

yeah, yeah. What are you seeing as the main issues right now in your work? Like, what are— when people come to you for help, what are you seeing is the, like, the trend right now, the, the main things that we're facing as a community?

Hmm, I think that some of the biggest things are the impact of social media Hmm. Uh, it seems like everyone feels disconnected, but then they feel kind of bad for feeling disconnected because they're like constantly connected with everyone.

Yeah.

But it's not real. It's not intimacy. It's just like very surface-level connection or artificial connection. Like you talked about with people posting their photos in Puerto Vallarta, like we don't even know if that's real. We don't even know if that's the house they were staying in or not. We don't even know if that's their body as it looks in real life or whether that is Facetuned to hell. So, right, that any kind of artificialness takes away from the intimacy. That's not authentic, therefore it cannot be actual intimacy. Um, So with, with couples and with singles, it seems like a lot of people don't even know how to get back to get— they're searching for a feeling. And that feeling is what I would label as a feeling that comes through intimacy. But they— I don't think they know the word intimacy. I don't think they know that what they're looking for is intimacy. the feeling of vulnerable intimate connection. But a lot of people are craving something more in relationships.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think we're confused on the word. Yeah. I mean, do you— is that a challenge for you in your work in terms of, you know, It— having people understand that what they're looking for is intimacy when they don't really understand the, the word itself.

Totally. I mean, also, I've been playing around with like the wording that I use for a while. So using the intimacy label is just something I started this year. We'll see how it goes. And then I may have to switch up the marketing as I see like Because from the business side, it's most helpful to meet people with the vocabulary where they're at.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even if you and I know what it is on the back end that we do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, I mean, I will admit, it's only been in the last year where I've really landed with me what intimacy was. Um, I, I just didn't, you know, I, I just thought it was like tantra sex was intimate. That's intimate, you know. But I, I didn't realize it was— I had to tell people stuff, you know.

Right.

I, I, you know, that was like, eh, you know. I, you know, I just, I'm kind of— I have weird boundaries, you know. I, I don't know. I There's weird boundaries that I have about, like, like you're saying, I would be more apt to tell an Uber driver some big secret than I would, than I would, you know, my close friend sometimes.

Well, in a case like that, it would be more helpful for you. You're like easing into it. It would look more like something that's not really that scary to tell. It's a little bit scary to tell, but start with the close friend. Because you can kind of adjust the fear factor with the person, or you could adjust the fear factor with the information that you're sharing.

Yeah, yeah. Another big topic among my group, my, my peeps, is erectile dysfunction.

Yeah.

So do you, you do you help either couples or, or guys Kind of overcome that? And because it's all up here, right? Unless it's a physical thing, right?

Right.

Do you help people over— help guys overcome that? And how?

Absolutely. Yeah.

Asking for a friend.

Whoa, for your friend's information, yes, I love, love, love working with people on ED. One of the things that I think more people need to know about ED is how normal it is.

Yeah.

And how marketing of medication has shifted people's perspective to think that it's some kind of like problem with you, rather than just something that's normal and happens with penises. They just sometimes don't get hard. Yeah, like, that's super normal. And usually, usually the overwhelming amount of the time, it's not something that you need medication for. It's just something that is mental. And what people don't know about the medication is the medication cannot force an orgasm. You still have to be mentally aroused.

Yeah.

In order to get the orgasm. Or sorry, not orgasm, get the, get the boner. Your dick, your dick will not just automatically become erect. You have the, the medications make blood flow easier. And guess what? None of the medications also like target just your penis. So like it makes blood flow all over your body easier. If you took like Viagra and then went and worked out. your arms, you'd be like, damn, like if you did a bunch of curls, you'd be like, oh my God, my arms feel like they're gonna explode. Also not recommending you do that because that could be potentially very unsafe to do.

Yeah.

So I think the education piece is really missing. A lot of people just don't understand how normal it is. And after working on a porn set, I can tell you what, that Most, most, most porn actors are taking Viagra. They may also be taking an injectable, which sounds so painful to me.

But we're familiar with that in the meth crowd. Perfect.

Okay.

Trimix. Trimix.

Trimix. And what's the other one? There's another one has a very similar name. Something else.

Max.

Whatever. Trimix, though, if you're using Or a lot of, a lot of porn models use Trimax. These— I almost said this, Kobe.

These—

oh my God, I just said it. What the hell, girl? Why am I sleepy and losing my words?

You've had a long day.

I have Viagra. That's the word I'm looking for.

Viagra.

Because they have trouble getting hard too. Yeah, because they're humans. And yeah, in porn, there's a whole crew around. You've got these hot lights pointing on you, got a camera pointing on you, you've got a film crew, which is anywhere between 1 and like 6, 7, 8 people in the room.

They're just watching. Yeah.

And then you've got to perform with Either yourself or your other scene partner. So like, there's a lot of pressure, and that is what kills the boner.

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, yeah.

I have to say it's very normal. And the mental stuff is what to work on.

It's normal and the mental stuff. Yeah. So I would say, so I'll share a scenario. And it's me. But you know, I had trouble, you know, for 6 years with ED, big aftermath. And, um, my— again, my seed, my branch thing was that I am not accepted, you know. Um, and that also there's, there's in that not accepted, uh, not belonging is rejection, right? That's, that's it, right? Rejection. So in this, in meeting this guy The guy that I manifested in my imagination, in my mindful masturbation imagination. We, we got naked, we were doing our thing. And just like clockwork, here's what happened when I figured out when I, when it was clear that we were going to have sex. I started to wither.

Yeah.

Because I equate having sex with never seeing the guy again. Because that's what happened to me for years on meth and, and after, you know.

Yeah.

We would have sex on the first date and, and he would never show. He would never come back. And so that happened. I backed off. I, you know, I got off him and, um, was in my disappointed whole pouty thing, was starting over. I was getting— I was just gonna leave. You know, that's what I've been doing. Anytime I haven't had sex in so long, but before that, I would, as soon as I would start and get soft, I would just leave. So I'm like, it's over now anyway.

Right.

But he, he knew what to do intuitively. Intuitively, this man grabbed me, grabbed my face, pulled me in. He said, I'm not going anywhere. 4 words, I'm not going anywhere. And I got hard as a rock when he said that to me because it was just like, wow, this, all of this stuff just kind of melted off. The space opened up and it was just like amazing. And it was all up here.

Yeah.

All up here the whole time. I just needed the right person and the right environment. in the right space to feel safe. Yeah. And to be reminded, you know, I mean, he said, I mean, it was too soon for him to be saying something like that, but it was perfect. Perfect for me, you know.

It sounds like it came at exactly the right time.

Yeah. Yeah. So I just wanted to share that as an example of, to, to really underscore what you're saying here. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really glad you brought that example because One of the other things I noticed is a lot of people feel like, uh, they shouldn't need any external validation. That's a really, really American, westernized way of thinking, and it's fucking bullshit. We do need external validation.

Interesting.

And yeah, we need internal validation. You need both. It's not one or the other.

Yeah.

And, um, it's really, really helpful when you do not have the context or the understanding about what's going on with yourself or the ability to reassure yourself to have someone externally who can tell you exactly what you need to hear in that moment. And sometimes you're going to find that amazing magic man that you manifested He just knows what to say with no prompting.

I know.

And other times it takes an uncomfortable approach, but that works really well, which is if you can find what it is, the thought pattern that's happening, then voicing that to the other person. And that might not be something that you can do in the moment, at least not to start, but to tell them, hey, I realize that in my experience If, if I don't get hard, then like, it's over. I could really use some validation right now. Or yeah, what do you think about that? An open-ended question really gives your partner, whether that's a hookup buddy, that's just a one-time partner, or a long-term partner, or anything in between, it gives them the opportunity to give you the assurance the validation that you need in order to start breaking down the old belief.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you brought up that example.

Thank you. Yeah. I'm glad that, I'm glad that you are talking about it and expanding on it because it's helping me see more because as, as time has gone on, um, I was talking to you about this before we were recording is that I have found myself being hyperfixated. on what, what was that facial expression he just made? That means he doesn't like it. And all of a sudden I'm not hard anymore, right?

Right.

Because I, I'm 48. Like, I, I don't get as hard and like I used to. Um, it's easier for it to, to go away, and especially when it's so tight up here. So, yeah, I, I have— and we've, we, we've talked about this and we've decided I will next time, but I have been kind of hesitant to say in the moment, hey, that I misjudged that reaction and now I'm not hard anymore. Can we take a break, get it back? You know, and if I would say that, to me in my mind, I would thought— I thought that it would ruin the moment.

Right.

But, but he said, no, I, I'm okay to workshop in the middle of it.

He said, I like this guy. I know.

He's the adult here.

Yes. He's 25.

Perfect.

Daddy's son is not about actual age.

Yeah, exactly. He's, yeah, he's, he's the, he's the emotionally mature son that, but yeah, I mean, he's very much like, you know, open to open to all of that and, and just being patient with, with me because he doesn't have the meth past that I have. He doesn't have the trauma that I'm, I'm bringing to this. Yeah.

Um, and so, um, but he doesn't need to be able to have the same— he doesn't need the same experience in order to have compassion.

Yes. Right, right, right. Yeah. And the unconditional The unconditional acceptance of everything that I am. That's, that's enough for me to get hard.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Now imagine if you like did the thing that's supposed to ruin the moment by speaking up, and then he's like, gives you validation in that moment. And yeah, like talks with you as long as you need. Oh my God. I know about typically that ends up.

Yeah. Boner. Yeah. Ready to go. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. I love it. I love it. Well, Alex, what have I not asked you tonight? Today?

Well, we've been edging them for the entire episode about this first video where you didn't come, but I was high for days. So let's give them that answer.

Okay. Yeah, let's give them that.

Uh, the first person that I recorded with For OnlyFans is someone that I knew through go-go dancing. We're not like super close friends, but like, I know him well enough to know a little bit of his character. And I knew that he would be a good person that I felt comfortable with recording. And the first series, this naked series all about emotional vulnerability, we play a strip game where— We take turns asking each other questions that require vulnerable answers. As we answer these questions, we validate each other and we take off an article of clothing until we're naked.

Okay.

So I had no idea that speaking up— I mean, I did know, but like, I didn't know How much? Speaking up about the things that I was truly insecure about. And one of them, dick size, which a lot of us guys have, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And having him validate, like, the moment he took off my underwear and, and like looked at my dick, my heart stopped for a moment. And I don't remember the exact words he said. I wish I did. But it, it doesn't matter. It— whatever he said gave me such assurance immediately that he liked what he saw and was turned on by me. And that instantly was like, oh yeah. And that's just one example of like, because we did 5 different questions. So I got to share 5 different things that each time made me nervous. Like, what if this is the thing? That he rejects me for each time, him validating me, and then to end completely naked, physically vulnerable that way, and then like making out. We, we ended the video and just— I was like, wow, what was that? For the next several days, I felt amazing because I knew that someone who I thought is attractive found me attractive, even while seeing the parts of myself that I'm insecure about, and that I think are too ugly for people to see and still be attracted to me.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, I was really— literally, it was like 2 days, 2 or 3 days later, before I really started coming down from that. Yeah, it was incredible.

And we can see this on your OnlyFans.

Yeah, you can.

So yeah, we'd love to see the, the reaction, you know. Yeah, the whole, the whole— yeah, the whole situation. That's interesting. I love that.

Yeah, and it's a game that, that, uh, you can practice playing. Yeah, with anyone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about some intimacy, right?

And I've had 2 of the videos ended up Afterwards, we were like, should we do a full sex scene together? Let me tell you what, some of the best sex I've ever had.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah. Huh.

Because we had— there was nothing left that was like, oh, what if they find out and they're gonna judge me? Yeah, it's like, oh no, here I am. I just like exposed myself. And they're like, hard and wanting me and I'm wanting them.

Oh, wow.

I think the thing that we don't realize is that when somebody else shares something that you think is vulnerable or courageous, do you think more of them or do you think less of them?

Yeah, more of them. Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

And we forget that the same thing happens when we share something that's vulnerable. People don't look at us and think, oh, what a piece of shit.

Yeah.

They think, wow, I'm attracted to you even more. Yeah, impressed by you even more. Like, hurry up and stick that dick in my mouth.

Right, right. Yeah, you know, there's some people out there though, you share something vulnerable, and you get called insecure, or you get called high maintenance. And I'm talking about me. Um, first, and when I first came out, there was— I, I, I guess I just really picked the wrong fucking people to try to date. But, um, I would try to say something vulnerable, and, and this one guy, he's like, why don't you just go write that in your journal? You know? And, but anyway, when you, when you have that You know, then you just, you just develop this fear of, of being too much, of being insecure, of ruining the moment, um, a buzzkill, cockblock, whatever. So, um, that's healing, very healing to be able to say that in a space and it be validated, I'm sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, the only people that tell you that you're too much are people that are extremely insecure themselves and have no room to recognize anyone else's insecurity.

Yeah.

If they were confident in who they are, they could give anyone reassurance no matter what it was.

Yeah.

The only reason they can't is because they're extremely insecure about something similar or the same thing.

Yeah. I love— thank you for that. We needed to hear that. We need to hear that. Well, Alex, I have loved this episode. Very useful. Very useful. I would love for you to also come back when you have your series, your additional series available. Yeah, I would like to expand on mindful masturbation for sure. Absolutely.

It's gonna be so fun.

Yeah, I want to do that. You can demonstrate for us too if you'd like.

I love it. Let's do it.

Why not? Why not?

Well, it won't be— I don't know if you put this on YouTube. They won't let that on there. But yeah.

Yeah, it's on YouTube. We'll blur it out.

They'll just— yeah, there you go.

You'll blur it out.

That'll be the one you put behind the paywall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, thank you so much for joining us. It was nice to meet you.

Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed this conversation.

Me too. Thank you. Um, if you want to join in the conversation or ask Alex questions, we're going to put all of his info in the show notes. You can also post your question on YouTube. You can also post questions on Spotify, or you can just email me, or I will pass the question on if you don't want to contact Alex right away. We also have a website, aftermyth.com. And please join our Facebook community, which is the Aftermath Podcast Facebook community. Just go to Facebook and search the Aftermath. Make sure it doesn't correct it to Aftermath. Please go back and change the A to an E, and you will be able to find it, I promise. All right, guys, we'll see you all next week.

Thank you.