EP 2:22 Seven Years of Chemsex Recovery: Dallas’s Story

I don't say seven years sober because the generally accepted definition of sober seems to be quote any mind-altering substance, and you guys know how I feel about arbitrary rules that we accept as truth without question. The Aftermath Podcast is an outreach tool to help men who have sex with men break free from the addictive patterns associated with chemsex. Otherwise known as crystal meth or Tina. I'm your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal meth user, now recovery coach. Here you will find a repository of tools and resources intended to eradicate the epidemic that is plaguing our MSM population. Please note that the views expressed on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice. Also, we will be talking about drugs and sex, so if you feel triggered to use, Stop listening and contact your local emergency system and/or your support network. Let's go. All right, welcome to the After Meth Podcast. I'm your host, Dallas Bragg. You and me are going on a trip today to reflect on my meth-free journey. I am very grateful that you're here, and I'm very grateful that you choose to support our mission. This podcast is making it out into all corners of the earth Where many men have no resources but this podcast. It's very important. It's become an important source of information for many people, and I'm humbled by that. It's it's a surreal experience to get these DMs, but I'm also motivated by that. So each time you listen to an episode. You actually help it to get into the algorithm and reach even more who are in need. Thank you. All right. On August 4th of this year, and I'm recording this in 2025, I celebrated 7 years meth-free. I don't say 7 years sober because the generally accepted definition of sober seems to be, quote, any mind-altering substance. And you guys know how I feel about arbitrary rules that we accept as truth without question. I know caffeine has certainly been a mind-altering substance. I'm drinking it right now. It's altered my mind awake this morning. As I record, I am currently also working toward coming off of caffeine, and I'm gonna tell you something: it's harder than quitting meth. But this podcast is not going to be about how we project our own definitions and personal experiences that we accept from people point blank. And we accept these definitions and we project them on others because you hear that from me enough. I'm a little over 7 years meth-free. And today I want to reflect on those 7 years. Because I have received innumerable DMs and face-to-face questions from you asking me how I did it or what was it like. By the way, I've created a very helpful and comprehensive ebook, and it's called The Meth-Free Blueprint: 7 Essential Steps for the First 90 Days, where I talk about what I did and what I wish I had done. And it includes a detailed matrix Of what to do, those 7 essential steps every day from day 1 to day 90. So if you're interested in that, the link will be in the show notes. Just to let you know, there is a small charge for it because I just cannot give everything away for free. And to be quite honest, that the 28-day course that I have, I offer it for free. I wanted you to, while you're in it, say, how the hell is this for free? It's Video modules every day. It's guided meditations, it's journal prompts, it's a free coaching session. But most of you, when you enroll for the free course, you don't start it. And I think it's because you haven't invested anything more than your email address. So I find investing some sort of energy, and money is energy, guarantees some sort of commitment on your part to participate in the tool. So I want you If you invest in this ebook to participate in it, it's it's helping you remain meth-free for ninety days. Doesn't have to be your first ninety days, but it could. It's just a ninety-day window. But today I want to talk about my first seven years for the man out there who feels defeated, overwhelmed, hopeless, and skeptical that walking away from chemsex. Can actually happen. I want to share my experience for the man out there who keeps trying but can't seem to put more than 90 days together, who feels isolated, rejected, paranoid, lost. Because when you hear the stories of other people who have been where you are and made it out, it opens up the possibility in your consciousness that you can do it. You begin to believe it's possible. And let me tell you that. is the true first step. This is all a mindset game, guys. Your perception is going to dictate your progress. Successful chemsex recovery is about perception, not perfection. Listen to the stories on the podcast, the people that I interview. Find the stories online of people who have made it out. Ask around at 12-step, Dharma, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, LGBTQ center meetings. Take in these stories, not to try and replicate what they did or to be jealous or to make it feel— make you feel smaller, but to open your mind and heart to the potential that you can do this. It is possible. Allow your mind to expand beyond all the reasons why it can't happen. Allow the universe to open up the path because you know what? Anything you desire is already possible or you wouldn't have the desire for it. The problem we run into is that the route to that possibility most of the time doesn't look like what we think it should look like. What we think, what we think it should look like. So we determine certain milestones along the way as bad or wrong or setbacks. And you know, I'm talking about relapse. I want you to stop looking at relapse as a start over. Stop allowing the opinions and the projections of other people to inhibit the route that the universe has for you. Relapse could be part of your healing. Today, I want you to listen to my reflections. Don't listen to find ways to need to change or find ways to be better. Don't listen for what you agree or disagree with. Listen so that you can relax the despair, clear the clouds of doubt, and allow the light of possibility to guide the way. That might sound pretty cheesy, I don't give 2 fucks right now. I'll bet you need some cheesy in your life. All right, don't forget that every episode of The Aftermath has an accompanying study guide. The link to the guide is in the show notes, or you can subscribe to my blog and have the study guide come directly to your inbox at www.drdallasbragg.com. I would really appreciate if you would share the podcast with friends and family, like, comment, rate, review, and share it on your social media story. I make no money on this podcast and have no sponsor yet, so I would really appreciate the currency of algorithm boosts because that's a big currency. All right, so I'm going to take each of the 7 years of my meth-free experience and share the important highlights for you. I'm going to be honest with you, it has not been easy. It has taken me down some very dark roads and tested my will in ways that I really never thought possible. But these past 7 years have been the gift of a lifetime. I call it the gift of meth. I sit here, the best, highest, most aware, spiritually attuned version of Dallas that has ever existed on this planet, and I'm doing what I love right now. I'm giving back in a way that I only dreamed of in early recovery, helping men all over the world turn away from chemsex and live their own best and highest life. And let me tell you this, There is no difference between me and you. There's no reason why you can't do this too. And I want you to say that to yourself right now out loud. Pause if you have to pause the podcast. I don't care where you are either. Say, "I can do this too." I can do this too. That's all. Say it over and over until your heart believes it. I can do this too. All righty, so let's begin with 2018. 2018, in many ways, I had it easier the most in the beginning of my journey, as some of you all probably have heard. That's because I had a choice of a long-term prison sentence or stop using meth. The choice was pretty easy, or most would think so anyway, right? This is why the first stage of my coaching program is called stabilization, because I try to have my clients replicate this scenario in their own life. The same type of thing happens when you check into treatment facility, right? You literally have no choice but to be in recovery. Your phone is confiscated and all you know is recovery. Then if you go into sober housing or sober living, you have to remain drug-free as well. There's no choice. I mentioned in earlier podcast how my life was structured in the early days— homeless, Taking the bus downtown to pee in a cup four times a week, taking the bus to rehab, taking the bus to the taco restaurant, standing in front of a judge in a courtroom every other week, seeing a probation officer once a month, meetings with my rehab counselor every week, meetings with my drug court caseworker every week. I had no room to use meth. However, meth made its way to me. One day I was walking downtown to one of my. Pre-mentioned destinations, wherever I was going. I had to use the bathroom. This is downtown Charlotte. I had to use the restroom and I noticed I picked a random restaurant, right? So in this case, it was Carolina Ale House, uptown Charlotte. I went in, I found the bathroom, chose a stall. I sat down, put my phone on the toilet paper dispenser. The phone fell in the dispenser. Through a crack. I stuck my hand down there to fish it out and pulled out a freshly prepared needle of crystal meth. You heard that right. Tell me, what are the chances of all the restaurants in the city of Charlotte, all stalls, my phone falling behind a fucking TP dispenser? I would guess probably a million to 2 million to 1. But there it— I sat staring at it. I held it. So one hand, I flicked it with my pointer finger and thumb, just like I used to when I prepare it. My heart started racing. I got sweaty. I even coughed in preparation. My body knew what was happening, right? This was my decision point. This was the opportunity we will all have to exert the most powerful energy we have access to as humans. Free will. Free will separates us from the animals. Free will makes us like God. Free will, in my opinion, changes the very molecular structure of the brain and the consciousness. I chose not to inject it. It was a clean needle. I even took a picture of it and texted it to my sister as an extra measure of accountability at the moment. I then left the stall and I threw it in the trash. I can only imagine the sheer livid anger of the person who left it there for later. I know I ruined somebody's day, but I'm sharing this to help you see that no matter if you block Grindr, change your phone number, live in a padded room, you will be presented with a decision point. You will receive an assessment from the universe. And I say assessment because there is no pass or fail. There's no right or wrong, only choices. and consequences to them. If I had decided to inject that meth, it wouldn't have been wrong. It would have shown that I wasn't quite ready yet. It would have delayed the process toward my ultimate goal of being meth-free, and it would have in some ways probably helped me figure out what it was that was stopping me from being ready. Meth would have found its way to me in another unexpected way if I had injected that day. So be prepared for that. This was also the year I learned the power of visualization to manifest the life I wanted after meth. Again, I talk in detail about that in my podcast, the finale of season 1. I took every opportunity to close my eyes and visualize how I would show up in a life without meth. I didn't accept what the 5 senses told me. That I was homeless, helpless, nothing. I created my reality in my head. I didn't accept the hopeless and overwhelming reality. I accepted that this was my opportunity to build the life of my dreams. I remember thinking I felt like the boy at the end of the movie, uh, Neverending Story, you know, where he gets the grain of sand. Uh, here I'm telling my age and he uses it. He uses his imagination to recreate the world. That was what I was doing. That's when you are given the unique opportunity in recovery to start over. I have been able to curate the friends, the family, the home, the car, the professional life that I want. I designed, not that the world gave me. And now the next step for me is sex and relationships, which will be coming up in a later podcast. The first year was amazing because I had nothing to lose. And everything to gain. If I could, I, I could, I wish that I could have that sense of consciousness every day now. Because you find gratitude in everything. You take risks. So exciting to just have that back. People say, oh, it's so hard in that first days. That's the consciousness you want to live with now. But to have the realization that this is a fresh step, an opportunity, that's a perception shift. You know, I could focus on what I had done and the state of my life. I could look, you know, I could look around and be sad forever. I could effectively, but I effectively made lemons out of lemonade. Right. By 2019, I had raised enough money to rent a home for the kids and I. I'm skipping around a lot here, but fortunately, a guy I used to work with, um, saw my plea on Facebook for help with a rental, and he had a house that he rented to us without a background check. I had 4 felony charges and an eviction. And an eviction on my record. Most people would have thrown up their hands and said, I will never find anywhere to rent. I will never find anyone to rent to me. It's over. But my vision stood so strong. In my mind, I walked that house every day. Both kids had their own room. We had a yard. We were happy. I visualized the conversations. I heard them in my head. I felt everything. I smelled. And it all came to fruition. That when I moved to that house, there was an upscale steakhouse nearby. I got a job there that afforded us a nice, comfortable life. And I graduated from drug court. Now I was on my own. The safety net was removed that year. And this is when another decision point came along, this time one that sparked My, my spiritual awakening. For my atheist listeners, you know I love you. I'm sorry if this triggers you, but I will always talk about my spirituality. So I will be honest that I had traded addictions. This is something else to look for. That first year, I became addicted to recovery. I was getting my dopamine hits from milestones, right? I used the sheer force and drive I used as a drug user and a seller to make my reality come true. I put in the grit along with my visualization and manifestation to get the car, the house, the job, the 90 days, the 1 year, the drug court graduation. Then the dopamine hits dried up. I was pushing my body hard at this restaurant and falling back into normie life, quote unquote. And that's when boredom set in. You know, we love our chaos. We love our unpredictability. That was my favorite part about being a full-time meth user. Every day was different. Every day, some new adventure, a new location, some new dick. Even if it was flaccid and wrapped in 3 cock rings, it was new. I remember walking to the kitchen sink one day during this time, and you may have heard this story. It was full of dirty dishes, my back aching from carrying heavy trays of food the night before. And I stood over this pile of dishes my kids had left, and I just sighed. And I said, this overwhelming sadness came over me. I was like, is this it? This is sobriety? I'm right back to the boring-ass life I had before. Instantly, a craving came sweeping up my body. Wait a minute, I'm not getting tested anymore. I can use if I want. Nobody's monitoring me. I picked my phone up. My body was shaking violently, and you all know what I'm talking about. When you are contemplating using and it is out of alignment with your heart, your body will revolt. It gets cold. You start shaking. Many of you have to poop right away, right? That's your triggered body preparing for death, right? Feeling trapped inside there, I ran. I ran out to the yard and I went into the woods that were outside of our house and I held the phone and I just started scrolling for dealers. And user buddies who I knew were still on Facebook. But then I paused. I just paused. And let me tell you, the pause is the most powerful tool you have in this stage of recovery. Pause, breathe, check in with yourself. I looked up in the sky and the sun was shining on my face through the tree branches. I still remember it. I actually took a picture somewhere in my phone. I used that godlike power again— free will. I held the phone up and I started blocking the users and the dealers. Then I went one by one, and each time I felt lighter, warmer, blood started flowing, and more powerful. As soon as I finished— and I know some of y'all have heard this story— I heard an audible voice say, we've been waiting for you. And a chill went down my spine, chill bumps all over my body. And I started crying, tears streaming down my face for the first time in my life. In my 40s, after growing up in the church, I came in contact with a presence outside of myself. I had pierced the veil between me and my angels. And I have gotten to know them since, which is also another podcast. I kept crying and I just called out. I was like, what do I do now? Right? Or, or how do I do this? And they said, look at the tree. And to the right of me was a tree that had fallen and was decaying on the ground. And I didn't exactly know at the time what that meant, but I knew it felt empowering. I was being told that every single part of myself had to die, decompose, and become something new and beautiful, something that would nourish new life. So I was instantly pulled out of that pit of despair. I was reborn in that moment. I ran inside and I went to my laptop and I searched the word chakra on YouTube because that was the only spiritual word I knew. But listen, this higher power isn't something that helps a poor, powerless wretch like me. This isn't the higher power you may hear of that gets all the credit because I'm some broken, defective loser. This is a higher power that is always there, but my free will allows when and how much of that higher power assists me. My angels assist, guide, and help, but I am my higher power. So I mentioned that to inspire some self-empowerment out there. You don't have to have a spiritual experience like this, but my guess is that you will face a dopamine drop. And get bored in recovery like I did. The way out is to again latch onto something, a vision, a project, a mission, a cause that moves you forward, that gives you purpose and meaning beyond yourself. Everything about your old life and everything about you must die and be reborn. And what I did after that On a practical level was systemize my life. So that's the second phase of my coaching program, systemization. What I mean by that is I set up my days in a way where I didn't have a choice to use, because in the back of my mind, even after all that, I knew if I had a choice, if I had time on my hands, if I was alone and had a choice to get on Grindr and use, I would probably do it. And I tried to hit every category every day. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and educational stimulation. That's how I systemized my day every day. I had the luxury of my kids living with me full-time, so I had built-in accountability partners. But you're gonna have to have involve people in your recovery. So there are strict safeguards in place. This was year 2 for me, and I did not take it lightly. Grindr was not an option ever. In fact, I didn't even hook up. Which was really weird for me. This was also the year I began carefully choosing my social circle one by one. I personally didn't want a bunch of people in recovery, to be quite honest. I wanted to move on from that. I didn't want every conversation revolving around my Matthews. So I joined a local spiritual center and I made long-lasting friends that I still have actually today. Friends who talk about healing, purpose, goals, vision. Yeah, we talk about my recovery at times, but they support me and they hold me accountable. But it doesn't define who I am. So we come to 2020, pandemic year, which for me was one of the best years of my recovery. Everyone else I saw on social media was lamenting and struggling and, oh my God, you know, and I honestly thrived. I ended up renting a car through Uber and driving through COVID. Got to know a lot of people, got to listen to a bunch of podcasts. The best way ever. To travel Charlotte highways was during COVID So in this year, I took my reality creation to an all-new level. Even though the courts were closed, I kept visualizing myself opening up that letter letting me know that my charges had been expunged. You see, when you make it through drug court, they dismiss your charges. Then you have to get them expunged though. That's the process. Graduating, then you have to, you have to submit them, right? You have to submit them to be expunged. So I went to a big event at the courthouse And got them signed off, and they said, "You know who knows when it'll be?" And then COVID happened. Every single day before I left for my Uber route, I visualized two things: me opening in my letter of expungement, and the kids and I being approved for a new apartment. We were ready to move back to a an area that was more populated, that and and the area that we lived before meth, and and we wanted to have a nicer place with amenities. Okay, we wanted a pool. But during this time, I began looking. Really deep, like deep, deep inward. This was the time when I started asking really tough questions about the whats and the whys of my meth experience. But not only that, but the obvious trauma and the pain I dealt with my entire life that happened before meth. I wanted to understand myself and get down to the core pain. And I didn't resonate with blaming my disease of addiction or my parents or the gay community. I wanted answers, but mostly I just wanted to find a state of peace in my life and to be fully aware of myself, fully aware of myself. What was this next iteration of Dallas? Who is he? And I didn't think I could be that until I really discovered what was going on deep, deep, deep inside. And this is when I discovered through spiritual teaching that everyone is a mirror. Everyone else is a mirror. That my external circumstances were the effect of my internal landscape. In other words, I began to zoom out and see the patterns of my life and see that my external circumstances were the effect of the cause. The cause is my mind. The friends, the lovers I attracted, the situations I faced in my jobs throughout my life— these were reflections of my internal consciousness and beliefs. I began to see below the surface. For example, back to the issue of dirty dishes. Which seems to be a recurring theme for me. I came home from work during this time and I found that my son had been— I guess it was work from Uber, which was very tiring too. My son had left his dishes in the sink. We moved into the apartment by now. And yes, we were somehow approved for this apartment. And they said no eviction came up on the background check somehow. This was after I received word that my charges were expunged, even though the courts were closed. For COVID. You figure that out. So after slaving away at the restaurant or at the— or the Uber, I don't remember which it was. I guess it was Uber. My 16-year-old son had no job and no car, and he haphazardly had left his dishes and pans for me to wash. Um, yeah, back to the— I guess you don't really care about the details, but in these years I'm going from August to August anyway. Okay, so it could have been after COVID. Anyway, it was an emotional activation for me when I saw these dishes and it bypassed that critical part of my brain, right? I went straight into my emotions and I burst in his room screaming and kicking shit, right? This is one of those just knee-jerk. The look, I remember that look of sheer terror on his face, right? It's there in my memory, but I, as the gays say, read him for filth, right? The least his lazy ass could do is contribute to this house by cleaning up after himself. You're not going to get a job. Blah, you know, on and on and on. So I left his room, I went into mine, I sat down on my bed, and I felt like shit. And I was shaking, I was crying. That, that, that pain is still there. I picked up my journal and I just started to write. This is a lot of Basically how I pray a lot is just writing. How could this be a reflection of me? If everything is a reflection of me, if everything is a mirror, how is this a reflection of, of something inside me? Is it anger? If everything is a mirror for my internal landscape, please tell me how in the hell his laziness somehow is an unmet need in me. Some unprocessed emotion somewhere that I'm not yet free. I was genuinely crying out for an answer. You see, there's a difference between curiosity and condemnation when you are asking why you are the way you are. I wasn't asking because I was punishing myself for my behavior. I was asking to please show me in a practical way what all of the religions and the dogma that I was learning about was saying about the world showing me where I'm not yet free. And then my pen stopped, and I got a literal download. I was now on my knees sobbing in my room. The answer came very clearly. My anger had nothing to do with my son's laziness or the dishes or how I deserve respect in my home. My anger was at the part of me who burned the lives of my children down with a meth addiction. The part of me that I still hated. The part of me who said, I am a bad father and have ruined the lives of these 2 humans. His laziness was a reflection of my not-enoughness of being a father. The epiphany They brought up the most intense surge of emotion that I had felt before, as I was that day. So I cut down to the very core. You see, I saw the reality of the circumstance, what was really going on. The whole situation on the surface was a delusion. I wasn't mad at him. I still hated parts of myself. I was still not yet free. And the shame said, "I'm a bad father. I'm a bad person." The sobbing was in part because of the beautiful nature of that divine healing that came with that realization. When you begin to see past the five senses, past the surface, into what's truly happening—that's recovery. There is such a level of. Gratitude and joy, you connect with yourself in a new way. So I ran into Jonah's room and I held him. He's again, like, so confused. I profusely, profusely apologized. And I explained to him what was really happening. I don't know if he understood it at the time, but that moment was probably the best I've ever shown up as a father. Apologizing. And explaining that it was my trauma, not him. If only my own father could have realized that while he was alive, but I'm glad I realized that now. It was his trauma, not me. So 2021 came along and I was hired into my first professional job since pre-med. I worked for a nonprofit Helping homeless veterans find housing. So this year, to be quite honest, was the hardest one for cravings. Um, that's because I had to let my guard down, right? Uh, I had let my guard down. I didn't have to. Uh, I was feeling great about my life and how I turned things around. I was going into an office finally. I began traveling too. My daughter had moved away, which meant, uh, hotel rooms and being by myself and In a new place, a new city, and all the triggers that come with chemsex. And I allowed myself back on Grindr, um, thinking that I was ready. And well, I'm sure you can fill in those blanks. I would lie to myself about just want to see who's around me, and I would engage in conversations slowly with guys who were using. Um, in my mind, I would say, I don't know if he's using or not, knowing That he was, right? You can tell. I would even get to the point of making plans eventually to come by. And even once I finally showed up to a guy's apartment, he and a buddy were smoking. And I said, well, I don't use, but I don't mind if you do, right? I would have sex but not use. Somehow I did manage to do that. I went, but I came very close to lighting that pipe. Very dangerous. territory. And I advise you to use caution when you reintroduce these parts of the gay life, right? I opened myself up to hookups, and it wasn't long until my hypersexuality and sex addiction kicked back in. Here's the thing, you can do away with meth, but the same behaviors exist, right? I slowly became one of those always up in Grindr, scrolling endlessly, right? Always doing it any chance I get. I found myself Hooking up on the way to and from the hookup, I was basically high without being high. That's what Grindr and now sniffies will do to you. The anticipation, the sex talk, that's the the imagining of what could happen. It will. It replicates the chemsex experience. It floods the brain many of the same chemicals that get released when you get high. Oftentimes, that part of the chemsex experience is the only enjoyable part. The anticipating of what actually could happen, right? I also attempted to date that year. I quickly realized that I was not ready and I still wanted to devote more focus to the kids anyway. But I felt like I owed it to, to them to be as available as possible until they left the house. So this is the best advice I give to parents who have had an addiction or really any family member who wants to know how to rebuild relationships that they've destroyed through Addiction, be available. That's it. Often my kids would tell me that they, that they just knowing that I was in the home, in the house was all they needed. It was comforting, especially my son. My son developed a real, he, an intense separation anxiety because of the way that I would leave and be gone for hours or days while I was in active meth use. So they just needed to know that I was there and if and when they needed my support, I was there. So my dating experience, it revealed that more and about what was going on inside me. I was still on this quest, right? Um, but this revealed more of what was happening inside me that led to meth use. I was still on the investigation, exploring myself and being open to answers. So once I started dating, so much came up for me. Like I found myself staring at the phone if he hadn't texted in an hour. Making up stories in my head if he didn't want to see me, like if he chose to stay home and not come over. My anxiety was through the roof constantly unless we were together. And even then, I would pick up on little signs that he maybe didn't want me and my anxiety would be activated. That's how I knew I wasn't ready for dating. That's also how I knew that there was a wound there. But what was it? What is this wound? Why was I so desperately needing confirmation that he was still there and still liked me? Guys labeled me as insecure, too much, annoying, you know. Many a gay man along the way would call me that, you know, as when I was trying to date during this time. But which at first I accepted as the truth, you know, maybe I am all those things. But in my quest to self-examine, I knew there was more to this, right? In my search for answers, I found in all of this a cacao ceremony. It's the cacao is the raw chocolate bean, right? The description of the ceremony said drink of the raw cacao bean and it would open your heart and find answers that would be, you know, and then that would be followed by breathwork. So I was off that night. I went, I felt as hippie as I had ever, as I was lying there on a mat. You know, among all these eclectic looking people, breathing really hard after having partaken of this bitter hot cacao bean hot cocoa. But something happened that night. And as I was, I was almost hyperventilating, right? That's what you do. But once you get to this point of this breathwork, I crossed over into what really felt like a high. It's a natural high. It felt like that. I left my body and there I saw my angels this time. I saw them. And suddenly I just felt like I was home. Like there was this warmth around me and the feeling that I thought meth had given me. You know, when I first took meth, it felt like unconditional freedom from shame and trauma, love that said, no matter what, you know, come as you are. That's what I thought I had found from meth. But During this experience, I really and truly felt that this is what I had been searching for all of my life, not the, the meth high. I asked at that time, please, please, please, please tell me, why am I such a mess when it comes to men? And so the word fear came to mind. And I asked, what am I afraid of? And when I asked that, this vision of my dad came to my mind's eye. I was in the back of the truck. We used to ride in the back of the truck as a boy. I remembered when I saw this vision, the exact moment. He had promised me and my brother that we would go camping, just the 3 of us, and there'd be no drinking. But on the way to the campsite, he pulled off and had arranged beforehand. He picked up his brother who had a case of Bud in each hand, probably Bud Light, I guess. As he— but the, the brother, as he's putting them in the back of the truck, I looked and I looked up at my dad. My dad turned and he smirked at me through the back glass of the truck. Mm-hmm. And as we pulled away, I remember this moment. The wind was blowing in my face. Something shifted in me. Something changed. Anger, hurt, resentment. That was trauma. Just a look, just a situation, just a moment traumatized me. And I promised myself I remember that I would hate him till the day I died, and I would never be anything like him. And as hard as I tried, fast forward decades, and I was just like him, putting my kids second for my addiction. So back to that vision, that moment came to my mind. During that breathing session, the cacao session, for a reason. It answered my plea for help. Every man was my dad. Every man represented abandonment, lies, betrayal. My nervous system was doing all it could to protect me from ever feeling that way again. So even though it's not a text back, that seems like such an immature thing. My nervous system doesn't know what a text is. It knows the emotion, the fear of being abandoned, the way that little boy felt in the back of that truck. Alone, despised, abandoned. So that ceremony led to more psychedelic experiences, which has been also mentioned in the podcast and other episodes. But I was able to dissect and unpack all this on a deeper level. Now, some of you go to a therapist, talk therapy, that's great. There's a million ways to get there. So in 2022, that was really a maintenance year for me. This was when I felt like I could create momentum. And I created momentum through a strong, consistent daily practice. This was all the, the final phase of my coaching program, uh, synthesizing, right? I was synthesizing everything I was learning and integrating. So I realized that I was going to get stagnant if I didn't lay a strong foundation of habits. That's when I discovered the book Atomic Habits. And if you haven't read it, I highly recommend. It's the best recovery book there is, and it isn't even a recovery book. But my daily habits jump-started my new identity. You see, manifesting is about visualizing your future, but you have to put in the work. That's the part many people miss. You still have to work. My old friend Wanda McGee, back way back in the day, early '90s, used to call it putting legs on your prayers, right? Atomic Habits shows you a deeper reason to create good habits and to to delete the bad ones. It's about casting a vote for the person you want to be. If you want to be a person who watches hours of Netflix, jacks off to porn, and goes— passes out every night, do it. If not, then your daily habits should begin reflecting who you want to be. I had to back off from dating. I had to back off from hookups again. I wanted to focus on my kids. So this was the year I also learned about sexual transmutation because my libido was back, right? That's moving sexual energy around the body instead of blowing it out on your stomach every day, twice a day, 3 times a day, whatever. I created a morning and an evening routine, right? This became my non-negotiable. I used the habit stacking principle from Atomic Habits, which is stacking a habit onto something you're already doing, right? So my process was when I wake up, I pee, I put in my contacts, I make coffee. While the coffee brews, I clean up the kitchen. There you go. There's the kitchen theme again. When my coffee's done, I take it and I journal. After I journal, I do my breathwork. That was my morning. The breathwork I used to help me move around that stored up sexual energy. And I learned how to move it around. And this part is in my free course. I show you the breathwork that I use for creativity. I use that sexual energy for, for physical energy. And look, all around feeling better. I was feeling better because I wasn't watching porn either. I had enough of porn during my meth years. Damn. My nightly routine was very simple, right? After the phone plugged in, that's when, after the phone's plugged in the bathroom, I will pray for others. So I had a list of people. I would call out their name and I would wish something great for them. each person, especially those who I didn't get along with, didn't like, whatever. I guess in a way that was my making amends, right? The making amends step of the 12 steps. So I began to call out who I was in this year. I wanted my life to reflect who I am, my new identity. I used the phrase that I ask my clients to use, what would my future self do? Or what would my highest self do when evaluating? So when you're evaluating whether or not I texted somebody back or what the text said or how I responded to a work email, or if I opened up an app or I watched another episode of Netflix or how I chose to spend my weekend. This year, I really stepped into regiment and coming into my own, creating my identity. I had made a circle of friends and, and I love them and I built strong relationships with my kids this year. I really devoted time. 3 of us became best friends during that time. I backed away from offering advice unless they asked for it. They were getting older and we eased into a life. This life now, it felt healthy, calm, balanced, structured, beautifully predictable. We took a whole week of vacation that year to the beach along with my mama. It was an accomplishment, really. I have felt so proud to take them on a vacation, given the fact that during meth use, we never went anywhere, nor did the kids receive birthday gifts, Christmas gifts. They barely ate. God. But now, 4 years into my recovery, I could offer them gifts again. But yes, I know my recovery was the best gift I could give them, right? All right. So 2022 was also the year when I stopped pushing so hard for answers to why I became addicted to meth, right? And I learned to just trust the healing process, allow the answers to come. But I had to be in a state to allow. That's what the structure's for. So I dove deep into my daily habits and remaining, I remained in alignment with the person I wanted to be. I developed 3 core values that kind of drove and guided me: honesty, compassion, and love. So I wrote out a vision of who I wanted to be in every aspect in very minute detail. The first one I wrote was 3 notebook pages, but I read that vision every day out loud. I read it silently and I recorded into my phone and I listened to it on the way to work and I listened to it on the way home. I measured my daily behavior to this vision. I was always assessing where I was in relation to that vision. Today, I have my clients who are willing to do this, do the same. I call it prophetic vision, a prophecy of who you're becoming. So I really got specific in this year, and that's when I started to feel very strong momentum. January 1st, 2023, I launched my recovery coaching business. I posted a reel, uh, to start this business. It was a reel of me making my bed with a voiceover on it saying, how you do one thing is how you do everything, you know, which was a lesson I learned in 2022 when I began making my bed every morning, which is something I left out of the morning routine earlier, but it took me weeks to get the nerve up to put the voice, my voice on social media. It was always pictures, right? But then came this big step that I was making a video of myself talking, and it was so scary. And I tell you, it took everything I had in me to post it on social media. The fear of being made fun of for my effeminate voice. That's what held me back. Amazing that internalized homophobia was still so strong in me at that time. But everything was learning. Everything that came along was showing me more and more and more of what was in me that was not free yet. Starting my business. Was a huge risk, but it was something about the idea that really lit my fire because I knew how I had struggled in treatment and drug court with a couple of therapists, um, in early recovery. I, I had also heard from many men around the world who say on my, my social media posts, um, about crystal meth, my crystal meth journey, that they too felt isolated and unseen. I had heard, been hearing that. So the chemsex stigma is real. Especially inside our own queer community. And there's such a lack of knowledge around how to treat a gay man who is addicted to chemsex in the treatment centers, um, in, in general. It's different and it should be addressed so. So that's the gap I saw and I sought out to fill through my coaching program. So I mentioned this to you because I want you to understand that I was so in tune with the highest version of me That I had cultivated through the years. At that time, I had zero doubt that this business would thrive. Zero. Even though the first 14 months I had a client here, a client there, little to no social media growth. I was sending out a newsletter to friends and family and pretending it was going out to a bunch of people. I kept borrowing from the energy of my highest self. self, that version of me. And what does that mean? I believe we have an elevated version of ourselves, a self-actualized future version that we get to know and we create of ourselves. And that version acts as a guide. The more effort in 2021 and 2022 I put into getting in touch with that version of myself, the more I could tune into the consciousness of him and what I call borrow energy from him. I would pray to him and ask about decisions. And when the idea of the coaching program came, just a knowingness, a surety, a pure drive came over me. I just knew it would happen. Living life this way is hard to describe. It's, it's a way of being deliberate, intentional, purposeful. It's connecting to that third brain. which is the gut. You know, we essentially have 3 brains, the actual brain, the heart, and the gut. I believe the gut is our intuition, our connection to source, where the belly button is, right? A portal to knowingness. That's why anxiety shows up there. It's your intuition trying to protect you. So by this time, meth was in the rearview mirror and all I could see was possibility. I put in the foundational work. Through the habits, consistency, momentum, and it spilled into 2023. So here we are, glorious 2024, January, which includes, it's August 2024 through August 2025. So what can I say about year 7? Words could really never even capture what it's like to sit here and to see and look back to see what has happened with my business. To work this full-time as my career, to see the lives of real men being shifted and changed, to witness their growth and the healing all around the world. And we are just beginning here. This was the year both kids left, finally went on their own, right? So after a stint with my sister, I moved now into my own place in May. 2025, living alone for the first time in my life, y'all. Let me tell you that it was almost immediately after moving in that my mind started gravitating toward downloading Grindr. The thought of, hmm, I could actually party now if I wanted— that truly came up in my mind after 7 years almost using dreams came back. Suddenly I was triggered to use the needle again more often. It's amazing what the subconscious is capable of just because of a little shift in external circumstances, right? External environment. Just a subtle, subtle shift in my circumstances and all of the work The previous 7 years seemed like it was pushed to the side, but it wasn't, right? Of course, I had put in the tools in place because I really do strive to put into action what I have my clients do. If I had a client moving in by themselves, I would have them put in safeguards. I have a strong accountability partner, and this is what I did. I have an accountability partner that I check in multiple times a day with. It took about 2 weeks. But I was able to reprogram my subconscious to understand that I didn't deserve a reward. I didn't deserve a treat. You know, these things that your mind's telling you. I didn't need to take advantage of this open time I had. All of those thoughts were old meth brain thoughts that were still there. And the thing is, it was an assessment. That part of the brain hadn't been activated yet because I had the buffer of my kids and then my sister. So I talked openly about this to as many people as I could. You have to. You have to make these cravings, these thoughts come into the light. You have to make them known. You know, I told them about my cravings, my thoughts, the voices. I did all the practices I teach, and it was reassuring to see actually in real time, oh, this stuff really works. So after about 6 weeks, I decided that I would enter into the final frontier for me, sex. I decided that it was time for me to explore what I've been learning about. Through this very podcast, exploring my arousal template, finding out what I like sexually after meth, using dating apps again. And wow, it has been quite the adventure already. But let me tell you something, I've had the best sex that I have ever had in my life, 20 times better than anything I ever had on Tina. I'll promise you that. I want you to know this. I want you to hear this and believe this. It's not just lip service. But all of that is for another podcast episode, because I'm going to keep exploring for a while and then share my advice to you, um, compiled on an episode of my sexual adventures, uh, and sexual healing and arousal template building. But I can assure you that year 8 is going to be about intimacy, sex, love, and dare I say, a relationship. Well, that was a trip down memory lane for sure. Skipped over a lot, but I tried to highlight. I hope that you find really deep value in this. I really do. My prayer is that this story, my story, will imprint into the ether through this podcast and help so many people around the world for years and years to come. But I hope you found solace. I hope you feel seen. I hope you feel inspired. I hope that you now see that I can do this too. And as always, I'd love to hear from you, right? What's your initial reaction after hearing this podcast? What feedback do you have? What would you like to share about your own story? What clarification would you like to have? I'm happy to answer. You can DM, you can comment on YouTube. You could comment on Spotify. You can DM me on any social platform there is, Dr. Dallas Bragg. Is my handle everywhere. Dr. Dallas Bragg. Ah, I'm ready for year 8. I had my birthday also. Um, I turned 49 on August 5th. August 4th was my 7-year anniversary. Uh, I took myself to LA. I went to a seminar. I recorded a podcast that you'll see, uh, for No Matter What Recovery. I had a great time. I'm back now and I'm ready to get started. I'm ready to see what year 8 has in store. It's a— it's fun. It's fun. It's an adventure and it never gets boring. That's recovery. All right. Love you guys. See you next week.