EP 2:23 Listener Letters with Bobby

I would get really, get really serious and honest with yourself in terms of what it is you're looking for and try to meet that need, that the need beneath the need, right? The Aftermath Podcast is an outreach tool to help men who have sex with men break free from the addictive patterns associated with chemsex, otherwise known as crystal meth or Tina. I'm your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal meth user, now recovery coach. Here you will find a repository of tools and resources intended to eradicate the epidemic that is plaguing our MSM population. Please note that the views expressed on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice. Also, we will be talking about drugs and sex, so if you feel triggered to use, stop listening and contact your local emergency system And/or your support network. Let's go. Welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg. I'm here today joined with my assistant coach, Bobby. He's more than an assistant coach. He's assistant everything to me. Always on. He's always on. But Bobby has been a great, great, great help. In my life and very grateful for him. Um, but if you join the program, my coaching program, Bobby provides 15-minute— like, we call them check-ins, but it's more like a, a grounding, like a daily grounding. Um, you, you check in with the action items that you've decided to do with me, and Bobby's just always there on call as well. So triggers, cravings, you can call Bobby. Or call me. Um, but so what was I gonna say about that? Um, but yeah, so Bobby does a lot. Bobby's involved a lot with the coaching program. And so today I wanted to bring him back on. If you missed the podcast with Bobby's story, it's called From Teacher to Tweaker. Um, I don't recall what number it is, but it's in season 2. Uh, some— at some point, I don't remember what number. You have to look it up. Um, or I'll try to put the reference in the show notes, but Um, anyway, today we are— we get a lot of letters in, um, and a lot of the questions are repeat questions. Um, a lot of the questions I think are really powerful ones that some of you may want to ask but maybe are too afraid to ask. Um, I do want you to know that everything that you write in to us is confidential. We certainly don't. We're not going to reveal your name or identity or put them anywhere. I used to when I would get a a really positive DM. I used to redact the name and repost it on my story. But some of the some of the people didn't like that I even did that. There's nothing identifying in there. But I may ask your if you write me a DM, I may ask your permission. But Everything that you write into us, whether it be Instagram, TikTok, email, whatever, it is kept confidential. But today we're going to read some of these questions. Bobby is also helping me with the DMs a lot, so sometimes you're talking to him, sometimes you're talking to me. Um, yeah, so, but what he has done is gathered some of the top, top questions today. I went to Reddit Which I am just now learning about. I've had Reddit on my phone, but I really haven't used it. So I'm just now learning about Reddit. It's always seemed very overwhelming to me. But there is a thread, End of the Party, and it seems very relevant to the work that I do in the podcast. So I went on there and asked for questions too. And so we have some really good questions from From Reddit as well. I do want to say beforehand, just there's a, there's a, um, caveat at the beginning, a disclaimer at the beginning of the podcast saying that don't take anything you hear as medical advice. Um, I am not a medical doctor, if you're not aware of that. A lot of the questions that we get are for medical doctors. Um, you know, and so I'm not going to even try to attempt that and have something come back on me because I gave you medical advice. So if there's a lot, some questions I say, I have no idea. You're going to have to talk to a doctor. That's why I have a professional doctorate, but I am not a medical doctor. So just wanted to add another disclaimer onto this in case you didn't hear it at the beginning of the podcast. Bobby, anything you want to say?

Not really. Actually, yeah, I will just say for those of them who who come into the program. Um, I just had a friend who, you know, I was talking to him about the program and, you know, he was talking about the costs and things and he ended up going to rehab and he ended up paying $7,500 in, you know, copays and everything.

Mm-hmm.

And I just feel like your program is an option for people who aren't, don't have the ability to go to rehab and have a full-time job. And, you know, I wanna like, Emphasize to people, like, you know, I didn't have the experience to get that opportunity. I went too far down the line and ended up losing everything and losing my job. So, you know, if you know you're going down the wrong path and you still have your job, it's a good time to get out of it. And it's a very good investment. You know, you get 6 months, you get 24/7 answering. You know, you're there 24/7, I'm there 24/7. And, you know, I don't think there's any other programs out there that are so supportive for such a long period of time to get you you know, off to meth and into therapy.

Well, thank you. I'll add, I'll add a little to your paycheck this week for that. No, thank you for that. Yeah, I mean, you're— if you don't— some, some of these guys, the guys in the program, they can't go to— they, you know, a lot of them, rehab isn't an option, right? They're working a high-profile job. They're— maybe they have a partner, maybe they have a family. Um, They just can't take the time out to go to rehab. And like you said, it's much more expensive than what you'll pay for an individual coaching program. So we have one-on-one coaching, but also we meet as a group as well every week. You have an option to do that twice a week. So yeah, I think it's a very intense program, but one that you really get your money's worth. So. There's our advertisement for the, for the day. Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide with every episode. I don't know how it'll look for this one, probably just the question and the answer, but this link to that will be in the show notes. If you want to get that in your email, just go to www.drdallasbragg.com and go to blog and subscribe, and you will get the supplemental study guide right in your inbox. We do have a free course, by the way. I've mentioned it a couple of times, but it's a 28-day course, daily video modules, guided meditations, journal prompts every day, and you get a free coaching session with it. It's free. People enroll in this course and then they don't take it. But I'm going to leave it as free because I want you to have something that is accessible to anyone anywhere around the world. And I put a lot of work into it. You've taken it, Bobby, right? I mean, it's a lot of information. Okay, so let's hit it. Uh, Bobby, I have not seen these questions, uh, except the ones that I'm going to read from Reddit, but I haven't seen the questions. So Bobby's going to read the question and then— or the statement, whatever it is— and we'll go from there. And hopefully you'll see yourself in it.

Okay, let me go through these. So some are more letters or more like statements, but I know we get a question out of them. So the first one is a question. The question is, my sex drive is almost nonexistent now, and I was hoping to know how long it will take to get my libido back. So just to give you a little background on this person, basically they've been used— they were meth-free for 2 years, and then they started using again, and they've been using daily for the past 4 weeks. And Before that, they said that the reason that they came back to use is because their sex drive never came back.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, first of all, I would say there's so many great episodes of this podcast that address sexual healing and reprogramming the sexual template, the arousal template. One of the best is Jason Parker, the porn star. Uh, when we interviewed him, uh, the, the episode's called Fuck Like a Porn Star. He went into porn after meth. That's how, that's how much he got his libido back. Um, and so, but the, the process that he goes in is very healthy. It's very mature. And most of all, it's the mindset that he had. And so that's what I would say first is Number one, you've you know this person has gone back into it after two years, right? So now it's kind of like starting over. But in two years, first of all, you have to believe that you will get your sex drive back, right? That's the first thing is that a lot of a lot of guys just already decide that I'm never going to have Tina sex again. It's never going to happen. They maybe try once and it's a horrible experience. And so they just decide in their mind they're never going to have enjoyable sex again. Now, this person, in terms of maybe the sex drive isn't there. So I will tell you, for the first year, I couldn't get an erection. After meth, it just wouldn't happen unless I put porn in front of my face. You know, and then I had to, you know, kind of try at it even at that. I remember the first morning I woke up with an erection. You know, morning wood, as they say. I almost cried. I was so excited because it told me, it let me know at least it worked down there, right? Which I would say that's the first sign is if you are waking up with an erection, you know, the plumbing works. So if the plumbing's working, it's going to be something in your mind. Right? So to get your libido back, it takes time. It takes patience. Sometimes again, this isn't not medical advice, but sometimes your testosterone level is really low too after meth, and you have to get that checked. But there's natural ways to get testosterone. Natural foods you can eat. There's breathwork you can do. Retaining your semen. That's you know that's something that I tried. It got my testosterone level up. There's, you know, there's things like that to see. But overall, I think it's a matter of practicing mindful masturbation. You know, just begin to touch your body, connect with your body. You don't have to— don't pressure yourself to get hard. Don't pressure yourself to get horny. Don't pressure yourself to come. Just start spending time with your body and what feels good, what doesn't feel good. Then begin to come up with, in your mind, scenarios. sexual scenarios with sober scenarios. You know, I, I was, I tried this. I made this a practice and I came up with this perfect man for me. And I probably will manifest him someday. He'll probably walk into my, walk into my world. I'll know exactly what he looks like too, down to the shape of his dick.

Yeah.

But I, I made up this guy and he was like the perfect sexual guy for me. And he sometimes would sneak in through the window of my bedroom, which I thought was really hot. I was like, oh, I must like that. Right. Sometimes we would do this or that, or, you know, I don't know. I just, I really tried hard to reprogram my brain to— one is associate— you want it to disassociate sex from meth, but also you want it to understand what it likes again and give it what it likes again, right? I mean, your brain is, it's so deeply etched with meth and what you did to it. 2 years sometimes is as long as it takes to get your brain back online, period. So I think we have to change our expectations too about when your libido comes back. But if you spend your time thinking, lamenting about not having a libido, if you spend your time saying, I'm never going to have that sex again, and you're sad about it and you're upset about it, and that's going to prolong the time because you're doing nothing to reprogram the brain. This is the longest part of chemsex recovery. I think it's the— for most men, it's the, it's the long game to try to get it back. Look, 7 years now for me, and I'm just now really diving into sexual exploration. Now, part of my, part of my reason was I had to— I put it off to pay attention to my kids, but also it was just I wasn't ready, right? I still had trauma. Look, do away with the meth, you still have the trauma. Right? You may have had a lot of sexual insecurities before, internalized homophobia, all that other stuff. There's a lot of guys who think they can't bottom unless they use T, right? And it's all of— it's all a mind game. It's all up here. When you can't bottom— and again, we have an episode of the art and science of bottoming— most of the time it's in your mind. You can't relax, you can't let go, right? Um, I don't know if I answered his question or not. Besides, now that he's back, now that you're back using It's gonna— you're starting over. You're starting over. But I would just first say, accept the fact that you can enjoy sex again. Let me tell you, the sex I'm having right now, much better than anything I ever had on meth. And I get to go to sleep after, and I get to function the next day. I mean, it's like perfect. It's what I wanted, right? I mean, it's really heavily connect— some of it's connected sex, some of it isn't. Some of it's the kind of, you know, the anonymous stuff. It's It's all great though because it's it's in a different whole different context. So you really have to believe you can talk to men who have done it, listen to stories of men who have study what they did. There are sex therapists out there. I have interviewed several on the show. So I would say do some exploration. But right now, of course, in this situation, he's going to have to take some measures to stop using first, right? Anything you'd add to that?

Um, just, I can only just speak of my personal experience. For me, you know, it was a good 18 months before I even started getting any sexual energy or any, any types of, of, of wanting sex again. And, you know, in the beginning for me, you know, it was all about stopping and I honestly didn't even think about it. It, I just was not there. And in my mind, it didn't bother me because I was just, So destroyed by everything else, that was the last thing on my mind. But then, you know, after like maybe 4 or 5 months, it started getting back on my mind, and it's just the sex drive wasn't there. But then it's about 18 months, it came back, and then it came the point of where I had to be careful on, you know, where am I going to go get it now? Because I'm not on the apps, and, you know, you don't sleep with people in the rooms. And, you know, I had to go back and find people who I was comfortable with, that I wasn't going to get emotionally attached to, that, that were accepting my boundaries of what I could do, what I couldn't do. And they understood where I was at mentally, and that's how I got back into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you said that, because if you listen to all the stories of men who have been successful at this, that's what they did, is they— and that's what I did— is you find fuck buddies, right? No strings attached. You don't, you don't feel pressure to impress them. There's no pressure. You, you have a mutual understanding. Look, I might not get hard, I might not come, I don't know what this is going to be like, but we're going to practice. That's really the ideal. And, and honestly, I really wish I could come up with an agency of men who just, that you could rent.

Yeah.

Aftermath, that you could just rent him and he knows the deal. You know, he gets the assignment, you know? I mean, I, I really feel like that'd be great.

A great business idea.

You, are you volunteering for that?

Yeah, I volunteer for that.

All right, I think we answered that.

Cool. All right, so let me see the next question. Um, can you explain to me— um, hold on, let me get this right. I'm gonna rephrase it a little bit, but I think his question is this: what is exactly chemsex that, that diff— that differentiates it from other types of addictions? Yeah, that's what I think he's asking.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there's a lot of different variations out there of definitions of chemsex. So chemsex was actually termed by someone in England named David Stewart, um, and he, when he created the term, it was to, under the umbrella of men who have sex with men who are using strong chemicals to have sex. Those chemicals were most methadone, meth, and GHB for the most part, right? So that's originally how the term was was created to differentiate because just like minority stress, which we've talked about on this podcast, gay men, gay and bi men, you know they they are more likely to be addicted. They more likely to have addictions. They have different varying different Factors involved. So yes, there are straight people who use meth and have sex, but the way they do it is different. So it's just it's kind of a classification so that we know we're talking about men who have sex with men who engage in sexualized drug use. So sexualized drug use would be like the umbrella term for anybody who uses drugs to enhance sex. Now there are some people. Um, and one is in— one organization in the U.S. contacted me and tried to say that even using caffeine pills can be chemsex, right? And I just told them, yes, okay, okay. I mean, I'm not arguing with anyone, right? Because I guess technically, if you want to say chemical sex is any chemicals you use, then to me, that's also if you take Viagra, it's chemsex. It's a chemical to enhance sex, right? Um, so I, I, I think we're throwing the term around too much, but I think for us, um, and really what it was intended to be was to house men who have sex with men, or the— or queer men who are using these hard drugs to engage in sexual activity. And it has its whole culture in it, that whole culture of chillouts and parties and PNP and H&H. It has a language, it has Zoom channels, it has, you know, it has its whole world. And so you want to be able to identify that with a word so that we all know who we're dealing with and what we're dealing with. So that's where we came up with Chemsex, or David Stewart did. Cool.

Thank you. Okay, let me see. Got next question. Okay, I watched the video about addictive behaviors and alter ego death process and the grieving process. Can you explain what you exactly meant?

Oh, okay. So I'm trying to remember what I said because I don't remember. These people memorize these videos and then they throw it back at me and I'm like, I don't remember what I said. Um, but so I would say let's take the death process. First is that I have found that many men who leave Tina is it's just like a breakup, right? And when you have a breakup, there's a death. There's a process, a grieving process you go through. So the death process is also a grieving process. There's five stages of grief, right? So when you're breaking up with Tina, it's like a death. And when you're leaving your old identity for a new identity, your old self has to die. So one of the first stages is denial. So what are they? Denial. Now I'm going to draw a blank. The five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, something something acceptance, anger. Anger's in there. Denial.

Yeah. Now I forget.

Now I know it's denial, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. Um, I'm gonna just Google it real quick so we'll know if I can get my fingers on the right. Okay. All right. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Okay. And acceptance, right? So I did— I've done several newsletters on this too. It seems like we go through these 5 stages in chemsex recovery. So the denial part is denying you have a problem, right? You, you just think, I can do this once in a while. So did I. You know, I thought that I could only do it on every other weekend or whatever, you know. So some people can, by the way, at some point in their journey. But you're, you're denying you have a problem, and then you get angry because, listen, a lot of us, we have waited all of our life to feel that free. You know, no shame, no insecurities, no sexual— no internalized homophobia, no sexual hangups. Invincible. We get to do what they— what we see on the porn, which is a big driver of chemsex, by the way, is when you watch pornography, especially ones like Raw Fuck Club or Sketchy Sex, Fraternity X, you know, all these things are just like, uh, what is that, Slam— no, not Slam— Slam Rush, you know, where supposedly they're on this bare mattress and there's trash everywhere, you know, they're drinking a beer while they're fucking. I don't know, all this, like, you watch that. And all of a sudden you want that, right? And this chem— and so the chemsex gives you that. So what I'm saying is you get angry because you finally found the state of mind that you think you've been looking for. Instead of doing the work of healing your trauma and being comfortable in your skin, this gave you a shortcut. So you get angry. You don't want to stop. You get angry because it's something you know you want, but you can't do. Uh, the bargaining is when you say, okay, I think I'm going to do it every 3 months, or I think I can only smoke and not slam, or I think I can only do so much, you know. And so you start bargaining with it. Um, and some people that— some people we do have to step down like that. We have to do harm reduction and say, I want you to use in 3 months, and when you do, it's going to be on these days, you're going to use this much, you're going to use it with this person. Like, that's different. Bargaining is you try to make every excuse You know, you cannot use any, right? A little meth is still meth. So you think that you can do it on some kind of level and still be and still function and you can't. Depression is one of the last times. So when you, when you, it's like depression is when you start to let go and you're like, I see, I see now I'm going to have to leave this life. I'm going to have to quit and I'm going to have to do a whole ton of fucking work. And so that's depressing. And then acceptance. It is. It's there. I'm done. I've accepted it. I surrender. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to face this new life. I'm ready to do the work. So when I say the death process, that's what I'm talking about. There is a process that you go through that the alter ego is this, this person that you've created, this part of yourself that wants to use meth. So typically we all, we have so many different parts. And in the program, we come to— we, we get to know all these parts. But in a general sense of kind of a reductionist look at it, there's a part that wants to use meth and a part that doesn't want to use meth. So what we do is we turn against and villainize the part that wants to use meth as bad. We start to hate that part. We start to despise that part and reject the part. And when you reject a part of yourself, you're rejecting yourself. Which is contradictive to healing. It's contradictive to recovery, which is accepting all of yourself. So what that that alter ego, that part that wants to use meth, you have to get to know it. You have to understand what it wants. You have to understand why it wants you to use meth. And so when you get that, when you understand that, that that alter ego does die. It dies into something else, right? It it's reborn into. It still gets. Because ultimately it wants you to feel connected or it wants you to feel validated. It wants you to feel accepted. Like it wants the best for you. That's why we, when we say I'm in a battle with my addiction or my addiction is doing pushups in the parking lot, or, you know, that presents a fight, that presents a war internally. And you will never have peace if you're always at war with yourself. So you have to love that part that wants to do meth, accept that it wants the best for you. but just give it a different route to that, if that makes sense. I hope that answered that question. Um, I'll have to go back and look at the video, at the video to know exactly what I said. Um, but that's what I— that's what comes up when you ask me that question.

Um, if I can add to— I think in that answering that question, I think you added something to the chemsex question from before about, you know, when I try to explain this to other people, especially more the straight uh, sector, you know, I get, oh well, I, I had sex when I was on drugs. And it's like, no, it's like— and so what it's about is what you just said there: the validation, the connection, the not feeling shame, not having the internalized homophobia, and, you know, going from one person to the next to the next to the next to get everything that you were unable to achieve before meth. And I think that has a lot to do with the chemsex definition. But I just thought you put that in there, so I just wanted to add that.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's true, it's true. Um, and just the very nature— like, you talk to a straight man or woman, like, they, they'll, they'll take meth and, and fuck for 12 hours or all day, but it's just the two of them. You don't see them on Tinder trying to get more people, you know. It's, you know, it's just— it's so different the way that it interacts, you know, with it, with each other. So, okay.

Uh, next question. Um, I have been to NA meetings for the past few weeks, and although it's lovely to see some old faces, I'm remembering why I got so disheartened and stopped going. There's nobody there I can identify with, with my using. Do you have any other suggestions that might help, or where I can meet other crystal meth addicts?

Well, of course there's CMA, right? Crystal Meth Anonymous. It's specifically People who have used crystal meth in the past. You know, there's— there is value in connecting with people who have a similar background to you, but there's also a detriment. You know, this is why I don't— I try not to date or be with somebody who's used meth before, who's a— who has been a user, because it ends up being— our conversations ends up being in the past. Like, we'll talk about our use, and that turns into more talks about your use, and then it turns into— to me, sometimes it revs me up sexually because you start talking about it with another man about the things that you did, and you start laughing and blah blah blah, and it opens up all these new memories. Um, sometimes I think it's a detriment to be around other people who have used crystal meth. Um, if you— but it does help also. To be with people who have similar backgrounds. So to find other people, I mean, you might— maybe you could try online CMA too. I, I know what I've heard is in NA you don't talk about the sex part. Is that—

That's correct.

Is that right? You're not— you don't talk about—

You're not supposed to.

Okay. Which is, which is a big part of the healing, is to talk about what you did sexually and to accept it, right? To heal from it. CMA, I mean, there's other, there's other routes. Dharma, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, uh, LGBTQ centers sometimes have different support groups. You'll find guys in there if, if they're gay groups. Mo— most likely they're going to be guys who have used the— one of the issues is though, you're going to find a lot of ex-crystal meth users in AA because they have feel stigmatized. And they don't want to talk about their crystal meth use. They want to recover, but they're not open about it. So there's a lot of that too. But I would just— there are a couple of online free ChemSec support groups, one ran by Dr. Fawcett and one ran by Mel McCracken and No Matter What Recovery. I could put the links in the show notes for those, but those are free once a week. online groups where it's a lot of other, other gay men with chemsex backgrounds, that could be an option. Um, I, I also would ask what it is you're looking for. What, what is it you need from in your support network, right? Like, I would get really, get really serious and honest with yourself in terms of what it is you're looking for. And try to meet that need, that the need beneath the need, right? There may be something there that in these NA meetings that you are turned off on. There might be something there that that you might have to discover, like what is really triggering you, or what what is what is it that you are searching for? Why do you want another person with crystal meth? Is it to talk more about it, or can you find someone else who gives you really what you want is? A space of unconditional, unbiased, non-judgment. Anybody can give you that, whether they've done crystal meth or not. I mean, you may want to reevaluate the space you're looking for and just find and look for that instead of somebody who's specifically done crystal meth, because that might limit your, limit your experience. Anything else for anything for you to say? What would you say?

I would add— what would I add to that? I would add to— I understand the part of wanting to meet other crystal meth addicts and be around, because for me, especially in the beginning, you know, I was like terrified to go to CMA, and I did not go. I stuck with AA because, you know, if I went there, everybody's going to make me use. And it was not like that at all. Um, you know, I was scared I would see people I would know. But when I went, you know, it is the, the sexual piece of crystal meth It is not talked about in AA. I know it's not talked about in NA, and it is, you are able to talk about that part in CMA. And, you know, for me at least, that, that helps and it helps hearing how others have overcome it and, you know, seeing that there is success out there with it. So that, that helped me and that's why CMA worked for me. Um, but I also, you know, use AA for more, for me, for How do I say this politely? I feel that people in AA are more responsive to your recovery than people in CMA, because since I'm a crystal meth addict, I can say this. We're a little flaky sometimes. So when you need help, sometimes people aren't there for you. Whereas in AA, I feel like they're more responsive and they're more, um, they're, they're there for you, um, on a, on a more higher level than, um, I have found in CMA. And I can speak for myself for that too.

Um, so. Mm-hmm.

But I think it's good.

Yeah, I, I didn't— the only 12-step meetings I attended were court-ordered. Um, you know, I, I talked about this in lots of podcasts, but, you know, I just—

I've—

my recovery network were people where we didn't talk about recovery every day. We talked about future. We looked forward. What is your vision? What are your goals? What, what did you— what healing are you working on right now? Like, and I, and I felt comfortable saying All the things that I did in crystal meth, you know, it was a bit shocking for some people, but it wasn't a judgmental shock. It was like, oh, I can't believe that happened to you. I can't believe that this is going on, right? But the space that I found was a healing, nonjudgmental space. And let me tell you, that's not easy to find in our community as a whole.

Okay, I will move on to the next question. So this one is about social media. So I'm gonna try to rephrase this, but he said, I know a huge trigger for me and for relapse is social media. And I've tried to delete my social media accounts and quit, but I find myself isolating and feeling more lonely. And then I'm unable to watch Other posts that do help me on Instagram and TikTok. Do you have any suggestions on blocking social media but being able to, you know, use it in a way that can be healthy and the same aspect or the same point? So I tried to rephrase that the best I could.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree that, uh, this— behind Grindr and sniffies, I think Instagram is probably the 3rd most, uh, source for triggers. Um, because for one thing, you'll see a half-naked man on there and it'll trigger you. Or you see a half-naked man and you think, I, I don't look like that, I feel bad about myself, I'm gonna go feel better about myself and go be with men who will fuck me because no matter what I look like, right? And then there's sometimes when you see exes on there or friends or whatever. So what my suggestion is for him, and what I've suggested to other people, is start a brand new account. So you, you want to create an algorithm for yourself by creating a brand new account. You get to pick and choose your friends. You get to pick and choose what you look at. You control it. And so when you start, when you do that, this is also a way to assess yourself in terms of how ready am I to be on social media? Because if you find yourself going, you know, drifting over into looking at things that You don't want to look at, it's going to show up in your feed. It's going to show up on your For You page. Your For You page is going to show you what you normally look at, right? And and so I just think creating a brand new account is the best way to go if you want to have social media. If you want to have only the accounts that help you, then make it so. The the algorithm is not going to throw in some. naked man doing whatever. I don't, I don't know what he's talking about triggers him, but, um, you know, it's not going to throw in some sexualized picture if you're only looking at, uh, recovery help or spirituality, or, you know, it, it will lock you into what you normally look at and only show you that. That's the algorithm, right? Hey, cool.

Okay, next question. Okay, um, this may be a little medical, but I think we can still answer it. Can you have psychosis after you have— after you have slept for a day or two?

Yes, you can. And this— and again, yeah, you're right, Miss, this is not a medical opinion, but this is my experience of personal experience and my experience with other men. So The rate of psychosis, this is, this is a proven fact in the research. The rate of permanent psychosis is going up, especially in the US because of the new super meth. The meth is being made very pure in the Mexican cartel labs. It's like 99.9% pure. It's cheaper, but it is, it is causing more permanent psychosis. It's also causing psychosis faster and more severe. Than ever. Um, and so I would say, you know, you hear— you don't hear a lot about just pure meth overdose that leads to death, right? Or that meth overdose that leads to hospitalization or whatever. If there's fentanyl in it, G is a big reason why people do overdose. A meth overdose will actually— when you do, you don't know you overdose, and it affects it will change the chemistry of the brain, give you some brain damage. And that's when a lot of times psychosis happens. So you want to slam a bunch of meth. You feel like you don't know you overdosed. You're actually affecting the chemistry of the brain. And so you can sleep all you want, but you have now effectively changed your brain chemistry. Some people in their study, you know, I would suggest you go to Google Scholar and do some studies or go to NIH, uh, National Institute of Health, and do your own studies or own research on studies out there. But there is evidence that you, you know, the brain is plastic. You can heal it after a while, but sometimes it's permanent. Um, and so there's, there's a lot of men that I talk to who have been without meth for 3, 4, 5, 6 months And they're still paranoid. They're still in a bit of psychosis. They have alarms, you know, they have alarms planted on their windows. They feel like people are following them. They hear, they hear voices. It might not be as severe as, you know, I don't know if you experienced this, but, you know, when I used to turn the shower on, music would just come out of the shower head and I would just be dancing to it. You know, I would just succumb to the psychosis of my brain. There was no music, but I would have a conversation on the phone. With somebody. They were talking back to me, but there's nobody on the phone. In fact, I probably hadn't paid my bill and it was dead anyway, right? So, you know, those things happen in severe psychosis, but it's definitely, I mean, it can really affect you. And now, especially with what's out there, you can have psychosis. But the thing is, and I think this is a question too that I have, is the worst thing you can do though, When you, when you are noticing that you have psychosis or paranoia is, is punish yourself for it and ask yourself questions like, am I crazy? Is this the rest of my life? How did I get here? Now I'm one of them. You know, those kinds of thoughts only compound the psychosis somehow. It inhibits any healing because you begin to identify with the, with the identity. of somebody who is a nutcase, quote unquote, a psychotic person, right? If you succumb and accept that that's who you are, then that's who you're going to be. But there's, there's this, there's this area, this time, this segment of time when you can observe that you are experiencing psychosis. You can observe and just let yourself do it. If it makes you feel better to duct tape down The blinds. Just do it. Just do it. Don't don't cry while you're doing it. Don't second guess it. Don't think I've gone crazy. If it makes you feel better for a minute, just do it. But but understand and observe that this is behavior that is not who I am. This is going against who I want to be. But right now, I I have a consequence. This behavior is a consequence to my behavior, which I took. It's a consequence of taking meth. It's not forever, though. It doesn't have to be forever. Now, sometimes I have to say, sometimes it is permanent. There is permanent psychosis, but there's medication for that. There's therapy for that. You can curb it over time. But the worst thing you can do is just say, I've gone crazy. I can't believe this. What's real? What isn't? All the questions about what's real, what isn't real. Isn't that the same car I saw 2 streets over?

Maybe.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's real. You don't have to prove it to anybody. You don't have to answer to anybody. You are who you are. And the fact that you can observe that your behavior is psychotic is a good sign because there's still a part of you that isn't, right? It's when you're in it and you don't realize it. That, that's the scarier part when you can't get help because you don't know, you don't realize you're doing it. You're taping down the blinds as part of your daily routine because that's who you are now. And you don't know that it's not you, right? That the lack of self-awareness is when you've crossed over into an area where you're going to have to get medical attention.

Thank you. And next question. Um, I'm going to rephrase this a little bit. I lost my brothers— I lost both my brothers last year, one to fentanyl and the other one to alcohol. I used to party with them all the time. However, my drug of choice is Tina, and I feel that it helps numb me and makes me feel the way I did when my brothers were around. I can always sober up for a couple of weeks at a time, but when I get very sad and bored and horny, There I am again, and I just can't quit. Any suggestions for me?

Yeah. I mean, not to oversimplify, but stop being bored, lonely, and horny. I mean, heck, can't stop being horny. But, you know, the bored— the boredom and the loneliness, top, top 2 reasons why men keep using, right? The horny, I don't even— I don't even count anymore. When you have— when you're horny, you have a high libido, yes, it triggers meth because it's meth and sex are infused. But that is not the reason you keep going back, especially when it's, you know, to the point where this man is. If you're bored, then that means that you don't have an important enough, compelling enough vision for yourself. You haven't decided who you are and you're not doing it. on purpose. Because if you have a compelling enough vision for yourself for the future, that's going to move you forward. You're not going to be bored. Boredom is just— you're stagnant because you've accepted your plight, right? You're sitting in the sadness, the depression. You're just wallowing in something and you don't know who you are. The loneliness, you know, that's so complicated because Some people are really isolated. They live in isolated areas. You know, I would say that you know that the idea there is to get connected online to support groups. You know, there's a lot of online groups that you can connect with. It sounds to me like this person needs therapy. You know, could really benefit from a therapist of some type. I don't. You know, not everybody can afford therapy, but it sounds like that. There's some, some trauma there that has, has you stuck. You know, you're, you're, you're stuck in the sadness, the loss. Um, and as long as you stay stuck there, you're going to keep doing the same things. And you're doing the same things as using Tina, right? You keep doing the same thing. You're going to, you know, if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you always got, right? Um, there's, there's got to be some changes. And I think the first thing for you is to start writing down Who you are. What are your values? What do you want out of your life? How can you— the best thing you could do for your brothers that have passed is live your best and highest existence. Live your best and highest life. What do you want to do with your life? Who do you want to show up as? I would start writing that down. If you can't afford a therapist, if you don't know what to do next, begin doing that and then begin reading it out loud, reading it, reading it in your mind, reading it out loud, visualizing it. Be— visualize who you want to be. That's going to excite you a little bit. It's going to start letting you latch on to something else that's outside of the life you live. A lot of these guys, they have— they can't imagine life without meth. They don't know what it's like. They've never experienced— a lot of these guys haven't experienced life without meth. They've been doing it since their 20s or whatever. Some, some people come to me, they've been doing it since they were 16. So until you can latch on to a vision, um, you're not going to develop the, the psychological strength, uh, and, and the vitality to move forward. Because here's the thing, like, I'm gonna make— I think I made a reel about this lately, but we, we call addiction a disease, right? But the people who stop using, does the disease go into remission for everybody? Where does it go?

Right.

It's not a disease because you develop the psychological character, the strength to move forward. You develop some type of sense of this life without meth is better for me. And it's not— and it's always your why, right? Because if you're quitting because, you know, you have to, you quitting because you might lose your job, you're quitting because your family wants you to, those whys are not going to carry you forward. You have to, in your heart, say, This is not a part of who I am. And once you say that, once you start believing that, you are creating who you really are. And when you become the best and highest version of yourself, meth falls away to the wayside. No disease goes away or gets healed. It just goes away because it's not a part of your identity anymore. And you start asking yourself, is this my future self? Is this my past self? Is this my best self? Or is this my, my worst self? And you start asking yourself questions like that. It's not easy. I'm not saying that this, you know, this guy's in a, he's in a big, he's in a, a really bad situation, hard situation, tough situation. Um, but it starts with a little bit of momentum every day to get you rolling out of that. Um, so that would be my suggestion. Anything you would add?

Um, no, I would not. I think you, you really covered everything in that one. But I'm going to ask the next one. I think it's just like a little add-on to what you just said. So I'm just going to read it because it's got close with what you were just talking about. Um, I've been watching your videos on Instagram and TikTok. I currently use T and struggling to quit. I do want to, theoretically. I'm aware that it is bad for me, bad for my health, life, hopes, goals, etc., but I also do not have the willpower or motivation or force to do so. Where can I find that?

Yeah, you can't find it because it doesn't exist. That's what I would say. Um, one of my, one of my self-proclaimed quotes is, um, willpower is bullshit, right? And what I mean by that is in early recovery, you cannot rely on willpower or self-control. There is none of that. You have to create an environment so that it isn't a choice, right? So the, the example I use is meal prep. Like, if I relied on my willpower every day, I would eat a burger or ice cream or something quick. I would order food, probably. I would order DoorDash every day if it was— if I relied on my willpower. But I prepare my food in advance so that I don't have a choice. It's right there. It's already made and it's healthy, right? And so in the same— in— it's kind of the same but kind of different. But in the same token is you have to get rid of access to it.

Mm-hmm.

Um, that's going to mean probably changing your whole phone number, getting a new phone, because the digital drug dealer that you have in your hand, that is your gateway. That's most likely how you got into it, and it's how you're going to get out of it. But you can't rely on willpower when it's Friday night at 1 AM, you don't go to work until Monday, you get horny, you get on Grindr, you're done for, you're gone, right? Where's the willpower? But if you don't have access to Grindr, if you don't have access to user friends or dealers, then you're not going to be able to do it. You don't have a choice at that point. If you have your girlfriend in the bed with you or you're living at your mom's, you also don't have a choice. If you have to give your keys to your mommy every night, whatever it is you have to do— I have clients that lock their phone up in a lockbox. It sounds infantilizing and it sounds extreme and ridiculous. But because of the nature of chemsex, because of the access to it, because of how we are as— when our meth brains and gay men, and we get what we want and we're hypersexual— because of all of that, you have to infantilize yourself. The clients in my program, their phones are basically set up for a 12-year-old. There is no access to Grindr. There is no access to stiffies. Um, they have access to maybe like a Pornhub or something like that if they want it, right? But no access to rent men either, because that'll be your next step. If you can't get on Grindr, I'll just rent my party man, right? Um, and so that, that if you rely on self-control, you're, you're taking such a risk. Now, is— does that, does that mean that nobody could do it? No, there are some people, sure. I have a client who has Grindr on his phone, and he— I had several clients who kept the Grindr on their phone, who kept their user buddies on their phone. They were able to do it. Was it hard? Yes. Was it risky? Very much. Did they take risks like show that— did they have the guy over and tell him not to bring his stuff, which is ridiculous? Yes. Did they also get a shard shoved up their ass unknowingly? Sometimes these things happen because You know, you're dealing with you're dealing with people who want you to use. But anyway, so the thing is I would tell him is if you listen to my podcast, listen to finale of season one, listen to season two episode one. These are all steps you can take in the beginning to be meth free, and you have to change your identity. You have to act like you're in the witness protection program. New phone number, new phone. Look, I know if you get a new phone, you also have to do all the other things. You have to go into the iCloud. You have to delete the iCloud. You have to delete it all, right? You could bring your pictures over or whatever, um, but you have to find a way that you don't have access to it. And if you live in a highly populated area where you can just walk down the street to get it, that's a different story, right? But you're— but there are ways to make sure you don't do it. Have an accountability partner stay with you. Go stay with somebody else, especially in on the weekends or high danger zones. You have to look at your calendar. And identify these. If, if, if you were to look at your calendar and say, I want to use this month, you're going to scan and you're going to find the areas when you can use, because that's how we think, right? If we know we have one night free, then in the back of my mind, I'm already making plans. That's what I'm going to use. So look at your calendar for the month. When are your danger zones? And in those danger zones, make sure that your ass is scheduled. For things you have to be at. You have to see your grandma at 7 AM on Sunday morning to make sure you don't go out on Saturday night. You surrender your phone to somebody, surrender your keys, do whatever you have to do. Then after time has gone by, you've interrupted the cycle, you've interrupted the pattern, and then you start living life again. You start getting a taste of what life could be like without meth. And then it starts becoming real to you. And then you have confidence in yourself again. And you say, I can do this, right? So that's the beginning. You don't— you just cannot rely on willpower. It just is not going to work for you for the most part. Did I answer that?

Yeah, I believe so. Uh, the only thing I would add to that is just to give this person a little bit of, of confidence. The part of how he has no motivation. No, for me, just writing that DM shows motivation.

Oh, yeah.

And also, you know, if you— if he has a lot of self-awareness in that, in that DM, you know, he's already noticing that it's, it's not going down the right path for him. And the only thing I can tell him there is, you know, to me, he's showing some motivation to wanting to change. And, you know, he's self-aware enough that he can know what choices are the correct choices to make right now, because if you don't make them, Life will make him for it. And, uh, so right now I just think that's part— so that is all the questions that I had. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, and motivation, you know, by the way, you, you don't have any motivation because you don't trust yourself too, right? You just, you say you don't want to use, but you keep using. So what that does is your, your subconscious doesn't trust yourself anymore. You're constantly lying to yourself. So where's the motivation if you don't really believe you, you can do it, right? Okay, so I went on to Reddit and asked for questions. Um, the first question is a good one. It's, what's your advice for a couple who's trying to quit together? We both want to quit and have been able to stay sober for many months at a time, but how do we cope when we are both craving or both triggered? Or what do we do if one slips up and the other's trying not to? That's— yeah, it's a very one. It's a very big one. Um, and so I have helped several couples, um, and it is tricky, right? I mean, you're not only dealing with your triggers and cravings, but you're dealing with somebody else's. And like he says, like, one day you're really strong and they're really weak, they're really strong and you're really weak. What do you do on the days when you're both weak?

Right.

But what I— my advice to couples is you're going to have to act as one unit. So you take the advice that I have for the first— for 90 days, or you take my advice that I have for one person and you apply it to you as a unit. So if it's changing your phone number and blocking Grindr and Stiffies, both of you need to do it. If it's have an accountability partner that comes over to stay with you, you know, everything that I say to do, you do as a couple. The important part, though, is how much do you trust each other? Number two is the relationship needs to be closed.

Period.

Now a lot I get a lot of guff for that because God forbid I take away a open relationship from a gay couple. God forbid. Close the relationship because like if if you are alcoholics. Would you keep a six-pack of beer in the refrigerator every day so that you see it every time you open the door? Why then are you keeping the relationship open and having all this sex available? Even if it's sober friends, it's still—it's you're activating that sex. Any kind of sex, sexual activity is activating your triggers and your cravings. So close the relationship. Really come up with. How much do I trust you? How honest are you being with each other? And you really have to be completely honest in terms of when you're having a craving, when you're having a trigger. This day I'm feeling very triggered. On the days when one of you is feeling triggered, I would not rely on the other one. I would rely on an accountability partner, right? I would rely on telling somebody outside of the relationship. Some, or 2 people, or whatever it is. It's the same thing with one person. You have to have a strong recovery network, somebody that you can shine the light on the cravings. Because when you shine the light on the cravings and triggers, it's going to take their power away. Telling each other, keeping it inside this circle, is, is only going to help so much. You have to treat it as if you're one person. And what does that look like, right? At night the phones need to be locked up or put away from 8, 8, 8 PM to 8 AM or whatever. You have to treat it just like that. Um, it's, it's, it adds a layer of difficulty, but it also brings you so much closer together. I mean, there's a, there's a couple in our program, um, that have, you know, it's taken them a while to get the rhythm, but, and now, you know, it's, you have a meeting. Because just like, just like a daily consistent daily action that I say that you, you do as an individual, whether it be journaling, Whether it be meditation, whatever it is, you have to do that together as a couple too. Check in in the morning and check in in the evening, right? You, you kind of journal through dialogue. This is what I'm facing right now. This is how I'm feeling right now. You, you're having a dialogue with one another at the end of the day. How did we do today? How did you do today? What are you feeling? If anybody's feeling squirrely, you gotta take it outside to an accountability partner and tell somebody. Tell him we're feeling squirrely. He's feeling squirrely. Whatever, whatever, right? You you have to get down to this rhythm of we are one unit doing this together. It doesn't matter if one's strong and one isn't. If one isn't, you both are. You're both not. If that makes it. If one is feeling weak, you're both weak. If one's feeling strong, and what well, if one's feeling weak, you're both weak. That's what I'm doing. If you're both feeling strong, you're feeling strong is what I'm trying to say. You just. Again, I've repeated this a billion times, but you have to treat it as if you're one individual person. So I would name your relationship Franklin or whatever, right? Name the relationship, and then as if Franklin's going through the program or going through my advice, or I have an ebook, I have, you know, whatever, all the things that I suggest you do to stay sober from crystal meth. What would, you know, put Franklin through that and use that as your guide? I think that's probably the best thing. that you could do as a couple. Does that— would you add anything to that?

I, I think you definitely covered that. I have nothing to add.

Um, so long-term health effects. Again, I'm not a medical doctor, so I really can't speak to that. I would suggest that you do see a doctor. I suggest you go on Google Scholar or some of these government health sites like the National Institute of Health. Don't go on WebMD. Go to, you know, researched, peer-reviewed articles And look at the research done on long-term health effects. There are long-term health effects, but there's also the body heals. You know, he's talking about potential of clots from having injected and dementia and all that kind of stuff. You can get so wrapped up in that that you can create it. You know, you can create that by being focused on it. I would right now for the two of you do everything that I just said. Focus on getting some distance and time away from the substance, and then just be, be monitored. Get your health monitored. You're, you know, get everything checked out by a doctor. Eat right. You know, there's, there's foods, healthy foods, lots of hydration, all the stuff. Start working out. The body heals. The body's resilient, right? Um, and the blood clots from, from injecting that I honestly don't think that that's a recommend, a worry long term. Another question is, okay, I'm gonna have to answer that one in person. Okay, will I ever, will I feel normal again? And how long will it take? Is the question that a lot of people ask. This person's asking. Um, there's this physiological answer that is true. Um, also some truths that are repeated that would be interested to hear your take on, like it takes half of your usage time for your brain to recover. I've never heard that. Um, I— that's— I don't think that's true. Then there's a spiritual answer. What is normal? Who am I supposed to be? What is the baseline for somebody who has used half of my life like me? Do I even want to go? Um, oh, I lost— I lost the question now. Um, how long until it is you feel normal is— that's just such a subjective answer. Um, there's no way for me to answer that. Um, these calculations that I hear about, you might, you know, half the time you used and multiply it by blah blah blah, I— that's— I've never seen any research anywhere that backs that up. Um, I really haven't. Um, okay, I somehow lost their, their question. Okay, sorry, I'm learning, I'm learning, uh, Reddit. Um, okay, sometimes it's hard to get clarity in between all the counseling, therapy meetings, journaling, and whatnot. I'd like to hear from more people in my situation who are still figuring everything out. Okay, um, so yeah, I mean, the question is what is normal, right? Um, And there— so technically, the research shows the brain— it takes 12 to 24 months for the brain to scan normally, to get back online after meth use, right? Um, that's kind of the textbook answer for you. I've seen a lot of people recover faster because they take their health into consideration. They start exercising, they eat right, you know, they— some people even do, do intermittent fasting. I've talked to, um, whatever works for you. But they take their health into their own hands and they start living a healthy life. Um, and that seems to, that seems to work. It, I mean, it's, it's like all these people trying to figure out how to lose weight when if you just watch what you eat and exercise, you lose weight. But no, I'd rather inject Ozempic or whatever that, whatever that thing is.

Ozempic.

Ozempic. To do, to have a shortcut. It's all about a shortcut, right? So I think that there's a new normal that you have to, you know, that you're going to have to accept. But the thing is, and this sounds like a cop-out, I guess, maybe, hopefully not. But the thing is, is that spending time visualizing who you are, what are your daily habits? What do these habits reflect in your identity? Are you somebody who watches, binge-watches Netflix? Jacks off and goes to sleep? Or are you somebody who has daily healthy habits? Like, even if it's taking a walk every day, reading a book every day, like, what are you doing spiritually, mentally, psychologically, educationally, physically? 5 things. If you can hit those every day, just do something, right? Um, you, you begin to evolve into the person you want to be. You begin to feel normal. The thing is, is that so many people are stuck in their mind and they're creating problems that aren't there, right? And they want to know, am I an addict? Am I recovering addict? How long will this take? When will my dick come back? You know, it's like the more you ask those questions, the longer it's going to take to happen. All you have to worry about. Is being the best and highest version of yourself today more than you were yesterday. I want to be a better person today. I want to show up in the world in a better way. When you do that, you start a momentum that builds in a new, new direction. You don't have to worry about blood clots. You don't have to worry about what your body's doing or how long it's going to be. What's normal anyway? You know, I, I, If you're— you're— it's— we're so wrapped up in thoughts that take us backward instead of forward that it's just— you got to let all that shit go. Easier said than done, I get it. But as soon as you let go, like with the sexuality, with the libido, as soon as you stop focusing on how bad it is and that it's not being there, then it comes, right? You do have to do some work, but I would just suggest that there's no time frame, but you can feel normal today. It's all in the shift. It's all in your mind. It's all in your mindset shift. I want to be normal today. I want to be better today. I want to show up better today. And what does that look like for me? I'm on my way out. I'm on my way to a better person. I'm on my way to feeling normal again. And if you talk to yourself that way, you're more likely to get there. But worrying about it, being stuck in it, being stagnant in it—it's not going to get you there. How can we fight the stigma around chemsex? I feel like it being an easy go-to joke in the gay community makes it hard for people to seek help. Yes, I've heard so many people have chosen to kill themselves when their secret life was at risk. So yes, that is correct. So this. Chemsex is being called the next AIDS epidemic for a reason, because the stigma around it, right? We're hypersexual sex addicts, right? We're sex fiends as a gay population. And so, and in the queer community, tweakers and dirty meth heads, and, you know, we, we, we have all these names for each other. We love to call each other names. We love to put each other down. You know, I'm a rave boy. I'm not a meth boy. You know, I just drink. I don't. You know, we separate ourselves and put ourselves in all these different categories, and it makes it harder. And and so, you know, I've put things out on social media that talk about getting rid of the stigma, and I have these gay people coming back saying, "No, there should be stigma. They're killing themselves. They're you know they're they're fucking around with their own health. They're making their own decisions," and all this kind of stuff. They don't understand what it's like to be a to be in chemsex, to to have a chemsex misuse. Disorder. They don't understand that. Um, but as far as getting rid of the stigma, it's, it's dialogue like this, sharing this podcast, you talking about it in circles, you know, being— stepping up and, and being— not being afraid to talk about this in a public forum, or volunteering for an LGBTQ nonprofit, getting involved in Pride and representing the chemsex crowd, you know, the chemsex epidemic, and Educate, um, getting involved with the Chamber of Commerce like I am and trying to get people to, to understand. I did a presentation at the chamber and was talking to a room full of gay people who had no idea meth was a problem. They had no idea. And, and I showed them that I got on Grindr and within 20 minutes I was invited to a meth party on a Tuesday afternoon. On a— it wasn't even a weekend. And all these jaws are dropping. So we need to talk about this. Um, any chance that we can share the podcast if you don't want to talk about it, or share my page. But that would be my quick answer there.

I would like to just add on to that. Uh, I feel that, you know, meth is definitely the most stigmatized drug out there, um, especially in the gay community. And like you said, just to like piggyback on a little bit, you know, it's just when I was in full use, just the amount of people who would come over to my place and say, you know, my partner don't know I use And, you know, for them it wasn't like a heavy use, it was just like a one-time use, or not even a one-time use, it was just a once-in-a-while use. And then like 2 days later, the partner was over, like, don't tell my partner, or my friends don't know I use— or it was always everything, my friends don't know I do this. And it's just like, well, guess what? Your friends do it too. It's just you're not telling each other. And I just think that, you know, there's a, a lot of shame behind it and a lot of embarrassment behind it.

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, like you said, people talking about it and sharing about it, being honest with others about it. You know, it will help unstigmatize the drug. And I just think we're a long way from that.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, oh, sorry, I did miss one of the questions about what are effective and safer ways to integrate sex so the roller coaster can be avoided. So there are a lot of people will tell you to avoid— they're calling it PMO, porn, masturbation, orgasm, right? To avoid it altogether. Um, and then they go crazy on relapse. Right? They avoid it and then they go quite the other direction. How do you— ways to integrate sex so the roller coaster can be avoided. So a lot of what I said earlier about the sexual healing could be applied here. Mindful masturbation. You know, don't— you don't have to avoid masturbation, but masturbate during the day instead of the night because that's, you know, that's when you would normally have chemsex. You know, there are a lot of different ways that you can do this. And be strategic about it so that you don't— it's more of a balance so that it's not a roller coaster. Um, how do I meet people if the apps aren't an option? How do I learn to appreciate sober sex so that the unfulfilling everything but the Tina sex doesn't lead to relapse? Um, yeah, so that's more of what I answered earlier, I think. But as far as meeting people without the apps, I mean, so I will tell you my experience. I have an app, it's Hinge. I've met— let me tell you about Hinge. It's people, guys who aren't in it for instant gratification, so they actually follow through. When they say they're going to show up to a date, they actually do show up. They're not always looking for a second option like you get on Grindr. You get on Grindr, you have to get them right now, because if you say, I can see you in 30 minutes, they're scrolling. And if somebody else is available right now, you're, you're out the fucking window. Right? That is not the environment on Hinge. Um, it's not the answer. Now, does everybody on Hinge want a relationship? Hell no. You know, I— there's a couple of fuck buddies I have that I met on Hinge, and it's because that we just— we met and that's what we decided we wanted. But there are other ways besides Grindr and Sniffies and Tinder to meet people. Um, and of course, get involved with Um, volunteer. One way I've met a lot of people is volunteering for LGBTQ causes, organizations. Um, get involved with Pride, your Pride events or whatever. So there, there are things you can do to meet people otherwise. Meetup groups. Yeah. Okay, anything else, Bobby?

No, I would agree with everything you said there.

All right, so if you have questions, um, please Send them in. You can send them through any social media platform. You can send them through my email, whatever. Um, I would suggest there, there's an option that automatically shows up on the podcast that says send text. If you do that, just know that I don't see your number, so put your number on there if you want to text back. But you could submit questions that way too. Um, so we, we're happy to answer questions on on here, or we write back to all the time, um, that you can— I do one free session each week, sometimes 2, depending on the case, depending on my caseload. If you want a free session, DM, and we can give you a free, uh, 45 to 50 minute, uh, coaching session as well. Happy to do that. I, I don't mind at all. So I hope that this helps you. I hope that maybe these are questions that you're asking. Um, if you ask some of these questions and you feel like I didn't answer them to their entirety, because I feel like, I feel like a couple of these people on Reddit, I probably didn't answer— their questions are full. I may not have answered it too completely. Just reach out. Just reach out and say, I'm still unclear. Um, let's talk and I'm happy to help. All right. Anything else, Bobby, before we go?

No, other than maybe I would just add on to that, just You know, if you're listening and you feel like maybe you just need to vent or just, you know, maybe you don't have a question, maybe you just need to vent to someone about your situation, you know, you can DM us and, you know, let us know how you're feeling because, you know, sometimes just getting it out helps. And, you know, it's all like, like you said earlier, it's all confidential and, you know, and we will always respond back.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Bobby. Thank you for your help. And if you have any more, like I said, you have any questions, guys, just send them in. All right. I will see you all next week. Bye.