EP 2:35 The Resurrection of Recovery with Jacques
13 Nov 2025 · 61 min
In this episode of the Aftermath Podcast, host Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal‑meth user and recovery coach, interviews Jacques Albertus Fuljun, a South African gay man who spent over a decade in a chemsex lifestyle that escalated from casual sex and poppers to weekly meth‑infused orgies and intravenous use with his long‑term partner Pierre. Jacques recounts his early life marked by bullying, internalized homonegativity, a HIV diagnosis at 30, and a series of risky relationships that led him into an 11‑year meth cycle. He describes the moment‑by‑moment breakdown of that cycle—health crises, a near‑fatal arm injury, spiritual awakenings, and the encouragement of an ex‑partner who acted as a sponsor. Without entering a formal rehabilitation program, Jacques and Pierre built a self‑crafted recovery plan based on 13 concrete strategies that Dallas introduced at the start of the show: (1) genuine intention, (2) forming new habits, (3) strategic breaks, (5) radical honesty, (6) reconnection with pre‑addiction relationships, (7) staying put and rebranding the living space, (8) memory layering, (9) physical environment shifts (feng‑shui, furniture moves), (10) mirror work and affirmations, (11) professional re‑intervention, (12) mindful consumption of media and substances, and (13) divine synchronicity. Jacques explains how each tactic was applied—changing weekend patterns, skipping weeks, exposing himself to family, moving furniture, walking familiar streets while creating new, peaceful experiences, using mirror affirmations, and recognizing spiritual signs. He also discusses the 90‑day addiction cycle, the difficulty of the fourth month, and the importance of community support (CMA, NA, drag‑race culture) for queer men. The episode ends with Dallas urging listeners to audit their own recovery against the 13 steps, offering a supplemental study guide, and inviting community engagement. The content serves as both a personal testimony and a practical guide for MSM seeking to break free from chemsex.
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Hey y'all, this week we feature the story of a former meth user who took matters into his own hands, creating, along with his partner, his own recovery program. I am always very excited when I can bring stories of real-life men just like you to the podcast who have successfully broken free from the grips of chemsex misuse. As you listen to Jock's story though, pay attention. There are 13 key strategies that he brings up that he used to break away and become his best and highest self. As you listen to these elements of his story, I want you to perform an audit of your own recovery. Where do you land when it comes to these techniques? Which ones could you get stronger in? Which ones could you add? Make Jacques' example a living study guide for your own journey. So let's look at Jacques' 13 concrete steps. Number 1, intention first. He reached the genuine desire to stop, not just wanting to want to. This is a big one for a lot of you. When I ask you why you want to quit, if it's because I'm about to lose my job, if it's because my partner's about to leave me, my life's about to fall apart. Oftentimes those aren't strong enough whys to create the kind of desire you need for long-term recovery. When it drops into the heart and you know that it's not a part of your identity anymore, the why you want to quit is because it's not the best and highest version of you. And you know that that version is waiting. That's the kind of why. creates the strong desire for long-term recovery. Number 2, old keys, new doors. He started formatting new habits. He changed his weekend patterns right away. He took charge. He systemized his life. Number 3, strategic breaks. He was skipping weekends to clear the system and his mind. Support network. He leaned on his ex, who was now sober, as a sponsor figure. The 2 of them did this together. Number 5, radical honesty, showing up at his worst to family and friends. He ended the hiding. The more light you put on this, the less life it has. Number 6, reconnection, rebuilding relationships with people who knew him pre-addiction. This is a big one. Number 7, staying put and rebranding. He chose not to move locations. He wanted to overwrite, rewrite the memories of the place where he lived and used. Number 8, memory layering, walking the same streets, creating peaceful new experiences over those traumatic ones. Number 9, physical environment shifts. Moved his furniture around. He used feng shui. Something like this. Listen, what it does is gets your subconscious off guard. When you get up out of bed, get up on the different side or get up on the end of the bed. Something that interrupts the patterns of your day. It keeps the subconscious guessing so that you're not work— that you're not running on autopilot all the time. Number 10, mirror work, positive affirmations. I am moving toward— and he would look in the mirror and say to himself different affirmations and got to know that person in the mirror and was able to make eye contact with him. That's a big one. Number 11, professional reintervention, showing up to the same job as if meeting everyone for the first time. Number 12, mindful consumption. Guarding what he watched, what he read, what he discussed. That's when you're talking about what are you ingesting in terms of what are you watching? Social media, porn, too much Netflix, all the stuff. But what is going into your body? What is going into your mind? What is going into your soul? And number 13, divine synchronicity. That was recognizing higher, his higher power working through Working through other people, right? He's working through other people to speak to him. So this is a good one. I want you to take a listen. Jacques has a lot to say, and let me know what you think. Okay, well, now, all right, let's get on with it. Enough of me. Hope you enjoy. The Aftermath Podcast is an outreach tool to help men who have sex with men break free from the addictive patterns associated with chemsex, otherwise known as crystal meth, Or Tina. I'm your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal meth user, now recovery coach. Here you will find a repository of tools and resources intended to eradicate the epidemic that is plaguing our MSM population. Please note that the views expressed on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice. Also, we will be talking about drugs and sex, so if you feel triggered to use Stop listening and contact your local emergency system and/or your support network. Let's go. Welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. Today we're talking about a lot of things, but turning pain into purpose. And, you know, a lot of people throw this term around of wounded healer quite often. And what does that mean, being a wounded healer? And a lot of us are doing that. I am doing that. You know, we go through wounds in our lives so that we can turn around and empathize and have a deeper level of compassion for others who are going through things and who also have wounds. So today I'm going to talk to a survivor of crystal meth, a survivor of a lot of things, who I think is a wounded healer. Before we get started, don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link will be in the show notes if you'd like to To get that in your inbox, go to drdallasbragg.com, click on blog, and subscribe to my newsletter, and you will get the study guide right into your inbox along with a weekly newsletter with journal prompts, actionable exercises, and reflective questions on all sorts of topics. Right now, the topic is approval addiction. So if you find yourself being addicted to approval and validation, you will like the series that we're in right now. All right, without further ado, I'm going to introduce my friend Jacques, and When I say the first thing I think of when I say that name Jacques is Jacques Cousteau. I used to watch him on PBS.
Absolutely. That is, that's, that's, that's always the way, or the person that I refer to if someone is struggling with my name. And just for the record, my name is Jacques Albertus. Albertus is a very Afrikaans kind of related origins in Dutch language. Jacques Albertus Fuljun. The first name and the last name, French. And I am from a small, I'm going to say seaside coastal town about 50 kilometers east of Cape Town in South Africa. That's in the Western Cape at the southern tip of Africa. Dallas, I think I am about between 12,000 and 13,000 kilometers from you at the moment. So again, what a joy that the wonders of technology for us to be able to connect and share our stories like this. Like this.
Yes, I love it. Zoom brings us together. The world is small. The world is short. It has shrunk.
It's getting smaller.
All right. Well, Jacques, you've been communicating with me for a while, and I know you were at our last live meditation, which, by the way, randomly, I will have probably about once a month a live guided meditation. That meditation will be recorded and put on my YouTube channel. So Again, if you want to be included in that, please go to the website and subscribe to the mailing list. But Jacques, can you tell us some highlights? Give us an idea of where has your life been? What has your experience been with crystal meth and anything else that you find would be important for us to talk about today?
Dr. Dallas, Dallas, I think where I need to start is at the present moment, is the person that you see on the screen now.
Mm-hmm.
He's giving off good energies. He appears to be lighthearted. He's smiling. He's peaceful. He's got a regulated nervous system. He's well-adjusted. He has great family and friendship connections. He's flourishing in his career. He's focused on personal and professional development, but that wasn't always the case. I've always been a high-functioning person and performing at, I think, 130 or 140 or 150 when most people do it at 90. But that is what our gay boys do because we were never part of the boys' club here. You have to put in so much more effort, but to the detriment of myself. So as I'm standing here today, it's taken decades of putting up masks, performing like a circus monkey when you don't really know who you are, where you're supposed to fit in, what's your purpose in the community, what is the long-term vision for your life, et cetera, et cetera. And if I'm going to say my journey or connection or, I mean, I'm going to say relationship with crystal meth, I think started Probably in my very, very early 20s. I wasn't using then, but I started having a very dysfunctional relationship with sex, how I saw sex, especially gay sex, sex with other men, internalized homonegativity, and using that as a tool. to mask all the hurt and the pain of growing up as an outsider, as a teenager. I suffered a lot of bullying. I grew up around dysfunctional people, adults behaving badly, adults not modeling good behavior, addictions all around me, homophobic and racial slurs thrown Left, right, and center, even from teachers. So in general, adults not setting a good example. My model of a male growing up was someone that used foul language, that talked loudly, that was aggressive, that smoked, that drank, that disrespected women, that was homophobic, that was very practical, fixing cars, played rugby in South Africa, played cricket, had broad shoulders. I was nothing like that. So I actually only recently, when Miley Cyrus talked about when she stopped filming Hannah Montana, she suffered from something called body dysmorphia because she had no sense of her own body image, et cetera, et cetera. And the first time when I heard that phrase, It actually took a lot of pressure off me because it's actually the kind of thing that I've been suffering with since I was a teenager. And I think you might have referenced it as well at some point today, definitely some of your guests. Basically, the theme that as gay men, there's a certain thing modeled to us in the media and by others around us. And when you are not that, you feel disconnected from actually who you are. And then you start trying, starting to seek, in my case, in my 20s, the thrill, the adventure, the approval of casual sex. I'm a pre-app dating person. I was born in 1975. So I grew up in a cruising culture. It's something where you make more organic connections. It's also more thrilling. It takes a lot of confidence and guts to try and make that connection. There's rejections and then there's wins, there's losses. And at the end of the day, even after each victory, you subconsciously knew you could have been anyone that came across that person's path at that particular point. So you feel good in the moment, but afterwards you actually feel worse. So with that backdrop and background of kind of the I'm going to say a negative relationship that I had with my self-image. Dallas, I can only phrase it as I have had a suicidally low self-esteem since I was round about the age of 15. I never had a long-term vision for my life. My planning was always in the short term, but that means that I was riskier. And actually, it was thrilling to live that way. Just as I had no boundaries, I've only recently really made an effort to start setting boundaries. To a large extent also, I had no filter to your detriment, what comes out of this mouth. Yeah. And then in my early 20s, I met someone older than my mother, a year younger than my father, my first serious relationship. Unfortunately, this person was a serious alcoholic who later went through a rehabilitation process and was my chosen family up to the day that he passed in February this year. He was a great role model. He was actually a substitute for my father. I didn't have an emotional connection to my father. I love my father. We had a great relationship, but There was just an emotional disconnect. And I only in later years recognized that that is what I was looking for in that relationship. But unfortunately, my experience was then, by the time that I was 30, I felt spent. I felt like I was 65 or 55 or on the way out because most of my time was spent as a young man that was supposed to explore his young adulthood was spent with people that are twice my age and older to a large extent. And unfortunately, also the year that I broke off that relationship, we stayed chosen family, I discovered that I'm HIV positive. It's now 20 years ago. Wow. But at that point, it was kind of like a death sentence. You only had 5 years 6, 7, 8 years of good life left. I didn't make adequate retirement planning because of my relationship with this person that's much older. I relied on that. I got this bad news diagnosis. So all of this compounded to living an even more riskier life and taking even more chances. And then I met my husband, peer who passed away May 10th last year. We were together for 19 years. I met him shortly after that diagnosis. And yeah, we were together for 19 years. Again, I'm going to say the trouble started as soon as we started downloading apps. I cannot remember if Grindr was one of them at that point. So I have to say, It's a risky choice, especially if you're in a relationship, from my point of view, if you're going to let something like apps into your home. In my time, it was Manhunt and Gaydar. And I've heard people talk about Sniffies and this, this, and that. Dallas, I'm going to say the one that was most detrimental to me is Recon.com. It's a more darker alternative. It's an M. Orientated platform, and I'm going to say round about the age of 36 when I really started exploring things. Like I think it was round about the time that we we we we had high-functioning smartphones in our in our hands when you could browse the internet, etc., etc. It was really very thrilling, exciting, accessible. You could sit in the office, you could sit during lunchtime. I could come at doing, after work, I can come home, peers watching TV, I'm sitting on my phone going through apps and exchanging messages. And especially this site, recon.com.
Yeah.
The guys would just start openly talking about things like partying and playing and using code words, words like Tina, et cetera, et cetera. And it kind of was thrilling and taboo and secretive. Exploring behind Pierre and having these conversations. And that led me to connecting to someone that I started seeing like once a week behind his back. I can call out my bad behavior today. I made poor choices. And I remember clearly this person at one point, we were doing something like I would hook up with him once a week and then He took out a pipe and he had a little plastic tube connected to it and he smoked something from it. And because I'm someone that had no boundaries, when he offered it to me, of course I would say, why not? Yes, of course. And in retrospect, I thought initially that I was kind of thrilled with the idea of seeing him on a weekly basis for a couple of months, but I was really seeing him to have access to that because I had no other connection. I found what it started giving me, something that I had never had before. I felt a little bit more carefree, not so much rooted in the past anymore, not caring too much about being concerned about my longevity. I was really only focusing on what is on the now, what is in front of me. There's a good and bad about that. Today, I think I can understand it as something a little bit like the phrase myopic, when you get blackout drunk. So during some of these events and sequences, then I would kind of lose track of time and I would be a little bit careless about not being home on time and not really caring about getting into trouble with Pierre about where I was, et cetera, et cetera. So my choices and my actions were really starting to be influenced by this. And I think more than anything, because I'd always had such a low self-esteem and had no confidence, it started giving me confidence. I felt a little bit more liberated and started feeling good about myself, how I presented myself. I was very talkative and chatty. I suddenly realized I've got a sense of humor. People were taking note of me, and I was not going to give that up. So unfortunately, again, calling out my bad behavior and choices, I made serious plans with this person how I can pull my husband into this web because I needed to use it more and more and he needed to be a part of it.
Wow.
And a plan was made and yeah, we had a first experience and as a couple. At that point, we had had encounters with, let's say, group events in our homes, excluding meth, obviously. But yeah, after the first 2 times doing this together, it just became our thing. Instead of going to the movies on a Friday evening, this is what we would do on a weekend.
Wow.
Um, I think you've, you've referred to it as, um, weekend warriors.
Yeah.
And, um, yeah. Um, you start disconnecting from friends. You start missing appointments. You start canceling. Um, you start not showing up for birthdays, family events. Um, eventually by giving the people notice in advance and then afterwards not even caring about that. Um, Yeah. And I think probably something that I thought I would never do, but again, today I can say it's because I've never had proper boundaries and had such a, I'm going to almost say destructive view of myself. I would do terrible things to myself, self-sabotage. And I recognize it's because I could only function When I was— my nervous system only understood being scared, being anxious, feeling lonely, feeling negative about yourself, feeling frustrated. These were familiar emotions to me.
Yeah.
I wasn't used to feeling good about myself, feeling relaxed, feeling calm, et cetera. So as soon as something good would happen, or as soon as if, if, if in general in the past, if I've, let's say if I would transition into a more lighthearted season, something would always end up where I would self-sabotage myself to go back to what is familiar. So I ended up in a hotel room with someone that lured me over with the promise of experiencing that substance. And the person pulled out the needle. I had always said and thought to myself, that's not the kind of thing that I would ever do. But again, not having any boundaries, and I'm trying to impress this person and I want him to see me again. Dallas, I can also tell you, if you're someone that has financial means, and you connect with people that want to use you to get access to that so that they can purchase products, you will mistake that for being able to pull in guys that are way above your level, only realizing and recognizing afterwards they were not after you. They were after that. And this was one of these persons, and I wanted to see him again. And yes, I wanted to see him again because I wanted to have access to that because I no connection of gaining access to it other than through other people. I had not made my own connection yet. And that afternoon, I think it changed everything because I crossed a line.
Okay, so just to make sure I'm following, you said that you had pulled Pierre into, you were having the orgies on the weekends. So you were using with Pierre and other men before you got to the needle. Is that right?
Yes. Yeah.
Okay. Okay. I want to make sure I was getting the timeline right.
Yes.
So yeah, you had introduced it to Pierre and then you were having weekend orgies at your house with the, with the drug. And then, so this was a gentleman that you went to a hotel room to see one-on-one and he had a needle.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. I'm going to elaborate on that now. I'm going to say that in the beginning, especially if Pierre has always been my soulmate, he was told about me before he met me. He went to go and see a psychic medium, and she said shortly before he met me, he's going to meet a man with blue eyes called Jacques. And I can tell you from a numerology point of view that the digits in my year, month, and day of birth, when you add them up and scramble them around, it adds up to the day that he went into hospital, 6th of May, and the day that he passed away, 10th of May. So this kind of thing catches my attention. So this was always going to be his time.
Wow.
Initially when, so I'm just highlighting that because we really had a solid foundation, a great relationship. We had a lot of fun before, during, and after the meth cycle. And what happens with, from my experience in that, what I've kind of gauged from others as well, is in the beginning, it is very thrilling. You invite guys over, you get up to all sorts of, all sorts of things. But eventually that just turns into people sitting on the couch with remotes in their hands scrolling and with cell phone in, in the other hand and people being frustrated and leaving there frustrated. And eventually turned into that as well. But again, to back to that event in the in the hotel room. Yeah, that is something I think a line that a lot of people do not cross. I have connected to platforms like CMA Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous as well, especially this year. I only really embraced learning more about the recovery process this year post-Pierre passing. And Obviously, you have to be more diplomatic about the language that you use, et cetera, et cetera. And I could gauge that with a lot of the conversations, especially in CMA, is that is something that a lot of people fortunately have steered away from. Because once you experience, especially that rush, it is something you can never forget and you will always chase it.
Yeah.
And I experienced it that day. And I always wanted to experience it again. And, but you can never get to that high again. And meth wants you to continue to use it. So it will continue to let you chase that high, chase that cycle, chase the experiences, try and relive a thrilling encounter. And at the core, it is just trying to keep you safe. And what I mean by that is if you are someone that always had issues with low self-confidence and in using that, you have a lot of confidence, it's trying to keep you safe by enhancing your confidence, but unfortunately not in a very healthy— I'm not even going to use this word sustainable because it's just not that. Just not in a healthy way and in a way that you should have I've been looking at that. Yeah. And unfortunately, yeah, that continued on for a number of years. In total, I'm going to say 11 years for me. And what it basically does, it eats away at your soul. It eats away at your relationships.
Yeah.
With other people and with each other, but more than anything, with yourself. You feel disconnected from who you are as a person. You lose all track and sense of time and timing and having a forward vision for your life. But I'm also going to say, I think one of the reasons why I'm having this conversation today, I think I said that during the introduction, is I'm well adjusted. I think I said that in the beginning as well. I'm flourishing in my career. I have been clean and sober now for 3 years. I look at the calendar now, 3 years, 9 months, and 7 days.
Okay.
And did that without going to rehab. And it was the two of us together. I did struggle and tried to break free for 3 months, 3 times, 3 times for 3 months and almost to the day, then I would self-sabotage. And today I look back at that as the timing just wasn't right. I was flexing my muscles to making the final break from meth. That was just a learning curve. after each one not to give up. And, um, so I think—
So what is the, what is the bridge then? So you, you found the needle you used for 11 years. Did, did Pierre ever come over to that, to the dark side per se of the, the IV use?
Yes. Um, together, I'm going to say yes. Together.
And, um, Yeah.
Yeah. So I'm almost going to say it's, it's, it's almost under a controlled environment because it's, it's, it's together. Um, from his point of view, I'm going to say I am, um, I'm a more intense and extreme kind of person. So, um, I had a different experience because I, at that point, had no boundaries and no, no, no filters.
Sure. Um, sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what's just getting to what?
Yeah. So what in this 11 years, where's the bridge between that and you getting to this 3-year mark? So what happened in your story to make you want to stop and stop on your own apparently, right?
Yeah. First of all, again, I have to highlight that this started to be a weekend thing. In other words, this is what one would do on a weekend. People would stop making plans. with us on the weekend because they just knew that— they didn't necessarily know what was up, but they knew something was up because we would just never be available. Really had challenging experiences with the psychosis, especially me towards the end. I think that was one of the toughest things for me to process is that sometimes make a distinction between what is real and what is not. And, um, I'm going to say a catalyst was, um, first of all, I suffered some kind of an event on my, um, left arm. I did a Bryant bend off my arm. There was just a, a big mishap roundabout there. I spent a week in, um, in ICU and that was the second time that I tried to break free for 3 months. Wow. The second time, but again, almost to the day. I that is it's kind of intuitively. I was just waiting for the final scab to to fall off, and I looked up the the the the number again. You've often referenced that in terms of contacts, change your number, etc., etc. There's there's ways around it. You can look at your bank statement and look at a past date because because you sent someone a cash. sent 50 rand or whatever, and you can see the number there. And in any of these apps, you can just start messaging people and use this code language to try and elicit a response, and it leads you back to someone. And yeah, I think also when it really took a turn was round about COVID For some people, it was a time of relaxation. For someone, struggling with this kind of thing. It was like when that hit and happened, I just knew, no, it's going to be the foot on the accelerator. And you referenced about when was it time to stop or how did I know, et cetera, et cetera. When it wasn't fun anymore.
Mm-hmm.
When there was nothing joyful, when it was only Yeah. About becoming routine. I would have experiences as follows, and I definitely heard someone on your podcast talk about this before, is your body, your soul revolts through your body. You feel nauseous before you use or just like when you're making your way home. And I definitely started experiencing that. We started Being disconnected from each other because I think he was ready to stop using as well. And I was becoming extremely emotional. I knew this was something that I wanted to leave behind. And at that point, my— again, I'm going to— now I'm going to highlight the importance of really connecting with people who have survived and are further along the line in terms of their recovery process. By that time, my ex, he had come out of rehab and I really connected with him and he started encouraging me to make an effort. I think that's more than anything, to at least make an effort because so often— It was a case of not wanting to do it or wanting to continue doing it, making an effort, not making an effort. And it was really— Oprah once said, it resonated with me that these are her exact words, you are responsible for your life. If you're looking for somebody to save you, to fix you, to even help you, You are wasting your time. Only you have the power to move your life forward. What matters is now, this moment. Forgive the past and move your life forward. And then the key is, and she said that and it definitely spoke to me, is all this time I was waiting on God when God was waiting on me. So I think you also once spoke of hearing a voice saying to you they were waiting on you. I heard that voice one Saturday as well. So I knew that if anything was going to happen, I was looking at external circumstances and connections and people, looking at who's going to jump in, who's coming to rescue me, who's going to turn things around. But it really came all down to a choice, a decision. of wanting a different life, wanting a better life for me and for Pierre. And yeah. Okay.
So let me just highlight a few things that you're saying. And that is, for the listeners, I want to remind you about what we've talked about here before is that oftentimes when you have stopped in your heart, you have stopped using. Right? In your heart, you don't want to do it anymore. Oftentimes the physical part of your body, your reality hasn't caught up with the heart. And so what happens is you get caught in the default kind of puppetry of the subconscious and you're going through the motions of using. You find yourself on the app setting it up. You find yourself driving to the party. You find yourself doing, getting the pipe, but you don't really want to, but it's just out of habit at that point. It's not a chemical dependency for often. It's just a, it's just a habit. It's a habitual thing.
Yes.
And so when, when you have, when you're out of alignment with what your heart wants, then your body does start to revolt. You will want to go shit. All right. You'll get nauseous. Your body starts to shake really hard.
You get cold.
The blood is leaving your extremities and it's like bracing itself because You are about to do something that is against you, who you truly are. And that is a sign. That is a good sign. If you're experiencing that, that is a sign that you are in that transitional period. And also mentioned, you mentioned the 3 months. We've talked about that on here quite a bit too. And in my content, 3 months is about a cycle. It's about an addiction cycle. Yes. It's, it's a whole cycle for you. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, 3 months. It's just like a season of the year. You know, we're all, we've talked about this on the podcast too. We're all connected to the earth. Everything is about in a 90-day cycle. So Pierre is saying when he got to that 3-month period, he would start to, he would just go ahead and use again, right? This is something that will happen. And in that 4th month is typically the hardest. time because the subconscious is off-kilter. You have interrupted the pattern. It's kind of like glitching because you have, if you make it to that 4th month, it's glitching because you have totally disrupted the pattern, the season. And so that is going to be your most difficult month to get through that hump. I'm not saying that it's all over, but after that hump, it is going to get more more easier for you and a better chance for you to begin to reprogram the subconscious to get ready for the next phase of your recovery. And so you now, at this point, then you are, you are, you have a partner, both of you are using, right? But both of you, I'm assuming, go into recovery together. So how did that work?
I just again want to, I'm going to get to that point again. I just want to again just clarify something. I highlighted in my early 20s that I think my, obviously growing up with adults and family members that had challenges with addictions, et cetera, et cetera, as so many adults did in the '70s and '80s, my my birth generation and the adults around you. It was just a thing. It was in the media everywhere. So I know physiologically I am prone to addictions and I have an addictive personality. So I take that, I connect it with after having such a low self-esteem growing up as a teenager, not being connected or being disconnected from a heteronormative society. I see friends and couples holding hands, boys and girls and all of that. You grow up in a rural, semi-rural coastal town. The first time I met another openly gay person was when I think when roundabout when I was 20. It's a different time today. It was a different time back then. So you feel isolated. Disconnected. You don't feel part of the community around you. I didn't necessarily have any— I never wished not to be gay, first of all. I've actually always thought of myself as a unicorn. It is, I was born this way. It's tattooed at the back of my off my shoulders, but there was a lot of internalized homonegativity. I got that concept in conversations from your podcast as well. I understand it now. In other words, my experience as a gay man navigating a heteronormative, a binary, a blueprint society, meant that I took a lot of chances and my behavior was a lot riskier. I put on a lot of masks and I started seeking solace in things like casual sex, like so many gay men do. So I'm also kind of referencing toxic gay culture to an extent where a lot of focus is placed on body image, external factors like going to the gym excessively, et cetera, et cetera. And so that set the tone. So by the time that I started using and discovering, poppers has always been at my side since a very young, young age. Most people know that and continue to use it even after meth. I've no interest in that kind of thing anymore. But that kind of thing opens the door to exploring with other things. So that's why when eventually got introduced to meth, then you were able to pull into your house again a category or class of boys and guys that you were not used to be able to do. And again, that was thrilling and exciting, good for the self-esteem. Again, it goes back to my self-esteem. So for me getting trapped in this and exploring more and more to a large extent, always go back to that validation. It gave me something that I never had. Before that. And then you start to develop, I'm going to say, as you start disconnecting from the people around you, I'm going to get to our recovery process now, you start making other connections, but unhealthy connections with other people also in the substance use circles because the opposite of Addiction is connection. You started just losing connection, connection with reality, connection with the people that have been in your life and making new, I'm almost gonna say short-term connections, but then hanging on, clinging on to those. And that results in trying to sustain that from one weekend to the next weekend, one weekend to the next weekend. That's just your kind of, it's routine, becomes mechanical. That's the thing that you do. And when it comes to as a couple, 2 people being together, wanting to break free from that, we always failed together and we tried together. And I think that's important to highlight that I always thought that we would actually have to break up. It's the only way that 2 people can break free from this. But I stand here today in the testament that not one of us went into a recovery structure. I don't think that everyone is built for that. RuPaul often refers to the value of his show is also giving access to those queer persons that is privately watching his show on their laptops when their parents go to bed in the basement at night. They have no connection to the community or other queer people. But that's the value again of the show and the media. So in me showing you today, it is possible to break free from meth, but you have to put in the work. We put in a lot of work. And when I talk about work, sorry, Dallas, you wanted to say?
Yeah. What did you do together? How did break free together?
Um, again, I had a great support person, almost like a sponsor to me. Um, my, my, my ex and he, um, one of the, um, first pieces of advice that he said to me is, um, your intention, you, you, you have to reach a point where you want to stop using. I spoke of that earlier as well. If you don't reach that point, um, it is never going to last. That's why it failed the previous serious attempts. And the second one basically is old keys will never unlock new doors. So you need to start forming new habits, new routines, change your weekend patterns, make plans well in advance, try and get a break from that substance being in your system. So even in the beginning, if you start skipping one week or one weekend just to give yourself a breather. Go to— try and go away for a friend, something like that. Then you can think clearer. You'll experience less anxiety, let's say, towards a Thursday or whatever to make your plans, your weekend plans again. And yeah, and I think for me and for Pierre, more than anything, is just recognizing what I said about Oprah and what she said, God was waiting on me. There's a guy that I listen to, Frank McCreery. He is a life coach. He's a successful life coach, a gay person. And he also said, you can be a good coach, but you cannot be a great coach without the help of other people. And that same concept applies with something like breaking free from any negative cycle. You can make good attempts at it, half-hearted attempts, but realize and recognize that your help and your blessings from above is actually going to be connected to other people.
Yeah.
Other people are going to introduce you to new ideas, other people like you, like your guests. And if you are someone that makes a choice not to go to recovery spaces, then recognize, and I had to recognize, that that I cannot do it on my own. I need to start opening up myself to other people. I started showing myself to people that are closest to me when I wasn't at my best so that they could— I used to hide it from them. I used to show—
Okay.
I ended up showing them. I used to start going to visit my ex, my mother, my brother, whatever, on a Sunday so that they can see what I look like, how I speak, if I'm not articulated or what, et cetera, so that you can see the kind of challenges that I'm facing. And even through that, started forming connections again. And the advice from my ex again was, if you're starting to reconnect with people, you can reconnect with the people that remember you, what you were like before this cycle. So I really invested a lot of time in rebuilding connections with uncles and aunties, et cetera, that knew me as a young guy, that knew me at the core, and especially tapping into their wisdom as older people and then just being in their presence, enjoying their energy, not being judgmental, not having to perform in front of them as a circus monkey, et cetera, et cetera. That really added a lot of value. And then also, we made a choice and decision that we're not going to move. We're staying in the same apartment. We're staying in the same city. I walk the same streets, but we're going to rebrand it. We're going to create new memories. So what I started doing was I started visiting the same places. I would go for walks down the same streets where I would be parked previously in a car doing something very unsavory. I would walk past that restaurant where I parked or where I had conversations with someone or walked past that door in a side road where I went in. And then replace that memory by having a peaceful walk, enjoying the greenery outside, layering. I refer to it as layering, creating a new experience, rebranding, almost becoming a tourist in your own city.
Yeah.
Recognizing the beauty that's all around and that I don't have to run away. from a bad experience in that beautiful city. And then Pierre shared with me some other feng shui principle of rotating items in your living space around a number of times, a number of items, the value that it adds. And again, because we made a decision not to move I took that on as a challenge on a daily basis. I would move around anything like furniture, ornaments, clothing from one shelf to the next. I started changing. It's basically changing your reality. I don't have hair, so I started playing around. Changing. And then another thing that was of great value was just reminding myself that that was kind of like an instruction or an assignment from my ex that he learned from the recovery process. Remind you, because I'd been beating myself so down tremendously during this process. I felt permanently damaged, permanently damaged, dirty, disgusting. The things that I'd gotten up to, the things that I watched, fantasized about, wanted to do, what I did, what I longed to do, conversations that I had was an assignment from him was reminding yourself of your good qualities. Remember of and be mindful of the way that you speak to yourself, the words that follow I am. Stand in front of the mirror, and instead of standing there in front of the mirror, as I've done for such a long time, and say, I cannot believe I'm doing this again, or how am I going to get out of this, or why did I do that, or I'm so humiliated, etc., just keep on saying positive affirmations. You're strong. You can get through this. You're moving in the right direction. Add movement to your affirmations, even if you don't Believe it, yes. Yet, just add movement to it by saying, I'm moving in that direction. I'm getting more confident. I am gaining more experience in that. I'm making better connections, even if you don't think you have that yet. And yeah, and again, I've always been, I said, high-performing person in the office. So even during that cycle, I would still be performing at like 110 or 120 because I'd previously overachieved so much. But yeah, you were faced with things like, I'm just going to rebrand it or say it as follows. You're faced with, when you start coming out of it, you sit, you put your hands to your cheeks and you think to yourself, what have I done? What have I said? Look at how I presented myself to others, how I'm ever going to get over this humiliation, constant repeated humiliation, et cetera, et cetera. And the way to do it is always remember that the key is in your hand. You teach people how to treat you and you can be reinvented or reborn every single morning. So the approach that I took was, I work in the same office. I'm going to sit in the same seat, but I'm going to treat it and deal with it as if I am sitting at a new employer's office and I'm presenting a new person to the people around me. And I'm giving them an opportunity to get to know me again. I will show them what this person is capable of. I had that approach. I was very determined. And that quickly turned things around for me. Yeah, because so often you overthink, which adds a lot to your perception of what's going around you. You try and create an image of yourself based on the perceptions that you think other people have about you. Meanwhile, they are carrying on living their best life, enjoying themselves, And you are sitting there hours on end wondering what they're thinking about you, how they're judging you, what they're commenting about you, talking behind you, behind your backs. They haven't even been thinking about you for 2 or 3 days. So yeah, it's fighting that monkey mind, retraining it. And yeah, Joel Osteen often refers to his mind as not a garbage can. So I started being mindful of the material that I consumed, the conversations that I would have, the kind of messages that I would send to people. And I think you said you had a couple, I think it was at least that one event that was kind of like a test for you in a public restroom when you discovered paraphernalia hidden behind it and you had a choice to make at that time.
Yeah.
that time. I'm going to say I had 2 serious moments like that. Yes, after making that final break, the person that would supply us obviously would bombard me with messages about where are you, why you're not responding, et cetera, et cetera.
Yeah.
But I'm going to say roundabout Just over a month past that, that my big test was, I was walking outside in the street and I saw him walking towards me from the front, walking towards me.
Yep.
My mouth was dry. My palms were sweating. My heart was racing. And he's walking straight towards me to have a conversation. And he stopped in front of me. We had a polite conversation. I was on my way, and that was it. And coincidentally, at that point, I was busy performing a task for one of my bosses. And just before that encounter, I reported back to say I successfully completed this task at this third party. And he responded. His response came through Just after I walked away from that person, the interaction in the street, and his response from my boss. But I'm first going to say it to you in Afrikaans. My home language is, jy is een eister, meaning you are an iron man. But he was actually commenting about completing the work assignment. But as I was walking away, I knew that these were words from my higher power inspired, inspiring him to send it to me to say, Jaques, you really carried yourself well there.
Wow.
And then the other test was when Dallas, when my peer passed away last year, I was completely shattered. It has taken an army of people to to put me back together. I think you and a lot of the people that listen to this podcast are going to understand it because I remember it was kind of referenced to this as well. Even though we were together for 19 years, if 10 of those 19 years we spent almost exclusively outside of work in each other's company, and we went through this very unique experience together, You can actually add 10 years to the 19 years and say that we were actually together for 29 years because for large portions of the week, we were awake and we spent enough in each other's company. It doesn't matter in what condition we were.
Yes, that's right.
We were able to talk to each other or not. Our energy fields were connected. You definitely, you spoke of this before and also It is, I'm again referencing a cultural cornerstone for the queer community. I'm again referencing Drag Race. The queens of Drag Race, often they form such— for me, the most beautiful thing about that series is the friendships and the connections that they form because— They have such a unique experience, the queens from a particular season. They experience something unique together that others do not. This is a very unique experience that you have survived, that Pia have survived, that others have survived. I'm instantly connected to others that have survived that as well. Even if I don't know you or know this one or that one, this is a very unique— Situation. And to a large extent, it is as if I understand someone through a shared lived, I'm going to say a lived experience because it is much more than just a dependency on a substance. It's much more. It runs through every fiber of your of your being, of your personal life, of your work life. It turns it upside down.
Yeah.
And yeah, I referenced when Pierre passed away, what a challenge it was for me. And I think my saving grace was I always thought that my defining moment for years was going to be that addiction and then eventually breaking free from addiction.
Unfortunately, our interview with Jacques got cut off and we cannot retrieve the last few minutes of the recording, but I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. If you'd like to participate, join in the discussion, join our YouTube channel and you can, uh, comment underneath the YouTube video, or you can also comment on Spotify. Send me a DM, however you want to do, however you want to do it. Join in the conversation. Let me know what you think. If you have any ideas for future podcast guests or topics, please let me know. Hope you have a great day. Talk to you soon.
