EP 3:18 Chemsex Recovery: Denial Stage

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.

All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and this solo Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link is in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and the eyes of those who need it.

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In the last podcast, we spoke on a high level about my theories. These are my theories. This is not scientific evidence around the common chemsex recovery process. And I've arranged it to correlate with the 5 stages of grief one goes through after the death of a loved one. So I'm applying them to the way I see men allowing their old self to die in order to reveal the man they've always been, chemsex-free. Now, we will spend 5 weeks taking a deep dive into each of these stages. So we are starting today with denial because that is where almost every man begins, including me, including the man listening to this or watching this who thinks this message It's about somebody else. Denial seems to be the first room we enter along this journey. And I think it is the darkest room that we wander around for a while in delusion. I know I did. And as with all stages, we may leave and reenter this room several times. But when you are finally ready to move on, you are ready to begin the deeper death process. So let's talk about this a little bit, what denial actually is. So to me, denial is your brain protecting you from a truth it has decided you cannot survive yet. To the subconscious, the truth that your subconscious, your chemsex experience is over seems like life or death to you. The dopamine and the importance you've placed on chemsex tells your pleasure center that this is a great thing, necessary for your survival, chemically speaking. This part that wants to use meth is hoping to protect you. This part that's denying it is hoping to protect you. So please know that denial has your best interest at heart. That's a very important distinction. So we tend to treat denial like a moral failing, as if the man in denial were willfully blind, right? Like choosing not to see what's right in front of him, being selfish, being stupid, being ignorant. I want you to stop that shit. Denial is older and smarter than that. Denial is a survival mechanism. It is your nervous system saying, if you let the full weight of this in right now, You will not make it. So I'm going to filter it. I'm going to soften it. I'm going to let you keep functioning. The problem is that the filter never turns off on its own. The subconscious will keep it there. The filter has to be removed. Removing it is the work you must do. This is where your free will comes into play. For men in chemsex misuse, denial has a particular flavor. It's not just denial of the substance here. It's denial of the cost to your life. It's denial of the— that the community you're in is harmful. It's denial of the identity you've chosen to inhabit. It's denial of the fact that this thing that started out as fun, as freedom, as belonging has now become So how did denial show up for me? I kind of alluded to it in the last podcast. I told you that I barely had time to be in denial because of how often I was using. And that is true on the surface. But listen, underneath, my denial was running the whole show. My denial was so deep. That it could not even form sentences. There was no way to articulate it. There was no voice in my head. It was structural. It was the architecture of my entire life. I was being evicted from my home and I could not comprehend that it was happening. And not because I was high in that moment either, because my brain refused To assemble the evidence into a coherent picture. My subconscious knew that if the gravity of that situation truly landed in my nervous system, I would have short-circuited. The notices came, the court day passed, the sheriff arrived, and here I stood, right on the curb. With my belongings on the sidewalk. And felt something close to confusion, delusion, like I had wandered somehow into someone else's life accidentally. This is what late-stage denial looks like. It's not a story you're telling yourself. It is the absence of a story. It is the inability to connect the dots that everyone around you can see clearly. And before that moment on the curb, Denial was every small minimization I had made for years before that. Every time I told myself I had it under control, every time I compared my use to a guy who was worse, every time I rationalized why this Friday would be different, why this session would be the last one, why I deserved this after the week I had, right? Denial is not one big lie. Denial is 10,000 small ones. Told very quietly, very subtly every day until you're living in that state of delusion that I was in. So let's listen to the voices of denial, right? Denial speaks in a vocabulary that sounds very reasonable. That is what makes it dangerous. If denial sounded crazy, you would catch it, right? But it sounds like the most logical voice in your head. It says, I can moderate. It says, I only use for energy. It says, I can keep this going. It says, I just need to slow down, not stop. It says, the other guys are worse than me. It says, my job is fine. My family doesn't know. My body's holding up. It says, this is not a problem yet. It says, I will know when it is time to stop. And it says, my dealer's my best friend. It also says the sex is incredible. The community accepts me and I belong here, and I'm not ready to give that up, and I shouldn't have to. All right? That's what my denial sounds like. A little temper tantrum. So notice though how reasonable some of that could sound. That's the trap, right? This is, that is the trap that you're in. Denial does not announce itself, right? It blends in subtly with your other thoughts. It uses your own voice. It borrows your intelligence. It dresses itself up in your own values. Look, the man in denial is not a stupid man. He's often very smart and he's using all of his intelligence to avoid one specific Truth. So let's look at comparison in this sense. So the most seductive form of denial is going to come in comparison. So you look at that guy who lost his job and you still have yours. You look at the guy who lost his apartment and yours is still standing. You look at the guy who has been hospitalized and your body's still moving. You look at the guy who has been arrested And you've stayed under the radar and you tell yourself, I am not that bad. Comparison is denial, but it's wearing a suit and tie, right? It looks like reason. It seems like reason. It uses evidence. It gives you something to compare. It gives you something to look at. It performs in a mature way, but it is doing the same thing every other voice of denial does. It is buying you time. It is letting you keep using while telling yourself you are different than the other guys. Here's the truth comparison hides. Every man who lost everything started where you are or has been where you are on your journey. The man with no job had a job once. The man with no apartment had an apartment once. The man in the hospital had a healthy body once. The man in handcuffs had freedom once. And every one of them, at some point in the early years, said the exact sentence you're saying right now. I am not that bad. Comparison is not data. Comparison is a delay. It is your denial trying to convince you that the cliff you're walking toward does not apply to you cuz you're still further back from the edge than the guy who already fell off. You are still on the cliff. So listen, this is why denial has to break. Denial has an expiration date. It has to. It has to because reality keeps applying pressure from the outside. And your soul keeps applying pressure from the inside. And the body feels it. The body knows. Even when the mind is busy minimizing, your nervous system's keeping the score. The G-outs, the crashes that last longer than the highs, the skin breaking down, the teeth, the heart palpitations in the middle of the night when you're alone. And when you're alone and the silence is too loud. The body is going to be the first whistleblower. The body refuses to lie. Even when your mouth keeps lying to you, even when your thoughts keep saying those things, the body knows. The relationships on the outside will know too. Your family stops calling as often. Your friends from before chemsex quietly step back. The community you found in the scene starts to feel less like family. More like an audience and more like a transactional relationship. Even the sex starts to feel like work, if it's even there anymore. Even the connection starts to feel performative. Something in you is registering that you are alone in a crowd. And that registration is the soul refusing to be denied any second longer. The days you can't account for, the money you can't trace, the promises you made and you broke, the plans you canceled, the version of your life you keep saying you're going to start tomorrow. At some point, the pressure from reality and the pressure from your soul meet in the middle and the walls of denial cracks. And now we have rock bottom. That crack is grace, that breakdown, that's the devastation, but it is still grace because on the other side of that crack, on the other side of that rock bottom is the beginning of your actual life and the process of death. So what does it feel like to move through denial? So coming out of denial does not feel like enlightenment. It doesn't feel like it's happy and free. It feels like falling. 'Cause you wake up one morning, that filter's gone. The evidence you have been refusing to see assembles itself in front of you, usually without your permission. The filter's gone. You see what you're using has actually cost you. Not the sanitized version, the real version. You get to see the relationships you've damaged, the opportunities you've missed, the years you cannot get back. The version of yourself you abandoned to become the version of yourself that could survive in the scene. And it begins to hurt. It hurts bad. And it hurts in a way that nothing has hurt before because for the first time in years, you're feeling it without the denial filter. And this is the moment where many men will relapse, not because they want to use, but because they cannot bear the weight. of what they're seeing and feeling. They reach for the substance not to feel good, but to stop feeling at all, to put the filter back on. Please put the filter back on, to return to that euphoric bliss of ignorance, right? If this is where you are right now, I want you to hear me very clearly. The pain of seeing is not punishment for you. The pain of seeing the actual price That is the price of admission to your actual life ahead, the price of admission to this process. This is the beginning of your journey. Sit in the pain. Do not run from it. Do not try to numb it. Do not try to make it feel better. Feel it better. It does not last forever, but it does transform. You have to stay in it long enough for the transformation to happen. You cannot heal what you cannot feel, and you will not see what your denial is still protecting you from. All right, if you have read this far or watched this far or listened this far, something in you is already past The worst of denial, because the men who are deep in denial are not gonna listen to podcasts like this. They're gonna click off. They're gonna tell themselves, eh, that's for somebody else. They scroll past for something that they wanna hear, right? You are still here, which means a part of you is ready to see. You do not have to see everything at once. You do not have to dismantle a decade of denial in just one afternoon. You just have to be willing to look at one thing today that you've been avoiding. One truth, one piece of evidence, one sentence you've been refusing to say out loud. This is how denial ends. It's not in a single moment, a big revelation, but in a thousand small acts of looking. So in the next podcast, are going to go into anger because once that filter comes off and you start to see what was taken from you and what you gave away and what was stolen, the rage begins to bubble. And anger is its own terrain with its own danger, but also its own gifts. So for now, just look, witness, observe. Let one thing in. And let's get this process going. Okay. I hope this helps. If you have any comments or suggestions, feedback, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, or you can DM me. I'm on social media at all times, everywhere. All right. Have a good week.