EP 3:25 Undetectable and Unashamed with Jose

When I learned about my HIV, again, it was between the age of 15 and 16 where I zero converted. Um, I didn't learn that I was HIV positive until April. Uh, it was April 21st, 2010. So I have been, um, positive for over 16 years now. And I— the way I found out was I had—

Chemsex: sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of The Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to The Aftermath Podcast. I'm your host, Dallas. Thank you for being here. Appreciate you watching. And watching, and you probably get tired of me saying this, but record numbers. Our numbers continue to go up and up and up. Really happy to hear that. And up in other countries too. 50% of our followers or listeners download in the US, 40% in the UK. The rest are spread out all over the world, growing in places like Australia, Malaysia. Pakistan. So it's interesting to see how the podcast is getting into the ears and eyes of those who need to see and hear it. And you're helping by commenting, by liking, by subscribing, by rating and reviewing. Continue to do that, please. I appreciate it. And by the way, if you do leave a comment now before I I couldn't respond to you because I couldn't get your number or anything like that. Now I have access to, so if you put a comment, if you send us a comment and you ask a question, I'll be able to answer it. So I appreciate that very much. So today we're going to get into, who knows what we're going to get into. Um, but I met my friend Jose on Instagram. Um, and I think you messaged me. I messaged you. I don't know. We saw each other. Uh, Instagram is just like this little, like, You know, virtual networking playing field now. But Jose has a story to tell, and Jose is someone who lives with— is living with HIV. And I have not covered enough yet HIV on this podcast. And what I don't know why, because it's so rampant in the chemsex community, very common in this chemsex community. And I've done one podcast. I think it was season— I don't know if it was 1 or 2 now. I don't remember. With Mark S. King. Mark King writes for POZ Magazine and is a very popular, very famous actually, writer of a book, My Fabulous Disease, and essays. So we talked about HIV. We talked about stigma. I've been open that I'm also living with HIV. Um, I caught it first time that I slammed. Um, I, I, you know, I tell, I, sorry, I'll let you talk in a minute. No, no, no. I, I, I've talked a lot about when I was in chemsex, in, in my chemsex use that I brought in a lot of wounded birds. So it was these younger men, no job, don't have a car. No house, no money, nothing. Just a little broken wing just hopping in my house. And I would say, come on in, let me feed you all these, let me feed you some meth.

Yeah.

You know, and let me take care of you. Uh, because I, you know, I, I'm daddy and I have all the, the money and the supplies and the house and all that stuff, which backfired on me every fucking time.

Mm-hmm.

Um, but this particular one I just fell for so hard. I was just always looking to fall in love with a with a meth user for some reason, but fell for him very hard. And he talked me— well, I allowed him to talk me into slamming. Um, he did not talk me into slamming. You have to be very careful with your wording so that you don't, you don't see this as a, as a victim, right? Because I make my own choices. So I decided to allow him to slam me with a needle that had been used before. Um, also, when we, we, um, did all kinds of sexual things to each other, but after we were done, he said to me, congratulations, you have AIDS. Um, and so he knew he had, he knew he was giving, he had HIV, probably didn't take his medication, I would say.

Hmm.

Um, this is, this is also a whole other story too about he went into a schizophrenic Um, psychotic state.

Yeah.

Anyway, anyway, that's, that's when I caught, when I contracted HIV, I actually stopped using meth for about 3 months. Um, it was probably the longest I went, I think, in that span of time because some people find out they have HIV and go on a death wish, you know, and they spiral into more use.

Yeah.

I went the other way. I was like, oh my God, I'm going to die. And I stopped. Of course I returned back, but when I returned back, it was more reckless because you do have this kind of like, oh well, you know, uh, what else can I get kind of thing that, you know, some people have. But anyway, coming out of that, I'll, if you're listening, I have to stop saying, by the way, if you're listening, there's got to be another way to say this. To the listeners.

When you listen. When you listen to this. Yeah.

Yeah. If you're listening to this, You understand the shame that you carry, shame of being a quote unquote addict. And then you have the shame of the drug you used, meth, which has the biggest, you know, probably the worst stigma of all. You have the shame of being gay. Then you have this shame of, I also have HIV. So there's this feeling of being damaged goods. And, um, there's a lot to overcome there. And then when you get into the community and you get asked questions like I just got asked the other day, you know, do you have any diseases? Like, it's not, it's not, are you clean anymore? It's like, what, you got any diseases? You know, um, where are we? I'm like, where, where are we? It's 2026, you know? And so I, I do think I, I'm just amazed still at The ignorance. And here's the thing, and I'll, then I'll let you talk, but what I, I wanna explain to these guys on these apps, if you say, do you have any diseases or are you clean? The answer comes back, yes. You're taking your life at stake here. You're taking the, you're, you're giving your health in the hands of somebody you've never fucking met.

Right.

On an app. You're taking his word for it that he's quote unquote clean. This motherfucker may have been fucked 3 times in the last 2 days, and you're, you'll let him come over and you'll go raw, but somebody says, I'm undetectable, and they're totally off limits. You don't understand that you're so much safer. With the undetectable person because you— he knows his status. But you're taking the word of a stranger off Grindr to let you come inside you. What is happening?

Yeah.

And so I just, you know, I don't know. I just— but anyway, we can talk about all of that and more, but I just wanted to get all that out there in terms of We need to be talking about HIV more on this podcast. We need to be helping men feel less ashamed, and you're doing that work, Jose, and I really appreciate what you're doing. So now let me turn this over to you and introduce yourself to us. Thank you for being here.

Okay, thank you, Doctor. You know, I really, um, I do appreciate that. So, um, I'm Jose, my last name is Barrientos, um, and I am currently 33 years old. I was, um, my birthday actually just passed on May So happy believ—

Happy birthday.

Birthday to me. We're in Taurus season. Happy birthday to every other Taurus out there and all the special signs of the astrological signs, you know, all that jazz. But I— no, thank you. That really— it was really moving. I, like I've said to you before, I am kind of a fan. I did come to you. That's so— so to answer your question, yeah, I approached You know, I've been following you on Spotify specifically for a little over 18 months. And it's really— I really find it empowering and just— I feel seen, you know, when I first started to hear.

Yeah.

And then I saw that you can— there was a visual. You actually had a record, like you were recording yourself. And I didn't know that you were recording your face too. So then I saw that feature and I was like, oh, I can watch it too. But the audio was good enough because it was able to— I was able to concentrate just to the audio, to your voice and the message and the importance behind it. So, um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, what else? So I currently live in, uh, Queens, New York. Um, I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. Um, and, um, before I get into the— that part of my life of how I— and, um, how I What's the word? Oh my God. Being diagnosed with HIV. Let's just put it that way.

Yeah.

So I come from a single-parent household. And my mother did her best. I will never say that she didn't do enough. So I appreciate you giving me— you saying about the words. Words matter, how you say words. So did I have certain— moments where I had to grow from certain experiences, yes. But again, up to this point, my relationship with my mother is— I'm able to have a civil conversation and ask her any question, and she does her best to answer it in that moment. It wasn't like that before. So I was this very young—

Yeah.

Angst, confused, filled with questions, and I was seeking all those questions and validation from men. And majority of the time, Majority men, you know, so I sought out for identification from anyone who was obviously a queer man. And sometimes a lot of closeted cases. Actually, when I was younger, I think I was— I hid behind— I encountered a lot more closeted men than I did outed, you know, people who were out.

Mm-hmm.

And, um, yeah, you know what? I don't think I've ever said that out loud. You know, I don't think I've said that out loud before because— but now, like, here we go. Here's the part that I remember. I remember allowing it to happen, like, not feeling like it's a crime or anything bad because I was also playing a lie. I was dancing with my own lies because—

Hmm.

So I was young. I was about 14 years old when I started to, you know, search and at a click of a button, you know, go into websites that I shouldn't have been at as a 14-year-old. So, you know, some of those, I'll go ahead and say it, they're probably not even like the shit anymore. We had Adam4Adam, you know, we have Craigslist. I think there was Manhunt and—

Mm-hmm.

The main one that I really feel like I put myself in a lot of jeopardy was Craigslist. I would go to the casual encounters, men for men kind of thing. And you know what's crazy is like my ballsy boldness would actually put— I would put my own posts, you know, even being underage. And I would say that I was— the infamous number was always 19 because people would believe that I was 19. I don't know why. 19 was the age.

Yeah, yeah.

So, um, I, um, I wrote that, and I had an— I had a— I had a different name, um, and everyone believed it. Like, I don't know. I don't know if they believed it or if they were actually chasing— you know, they were freaking pedophiles, or I don't know at this point. Still, that's— that's either, you know, that's, uh, that's just the past. But, um, how do I— how do I jump into this? Um, so— I don't want to give too much of the sob story of my childhood, you know, that past. My mom did her best. I did graduate high school. I went to high school in San Bernardino, California. California. I graduated. I did my best towards the end of the years. I got— oh, substance use. The substance use came into my life when I was merely just going to a lot of party events, like not sexual just yet. They were— I would go to raves, music festivals, backyard parties, kickbacks, that kind of stuff. And I was very much an amateur dancer. I loved electronic dance music. And anything festival-like, I was, yeah, I was sold. Like, I really wanted to just always be amongst people who did that. I danced. I don't know if I was really good at it, but I got a lot of applause. And I lived for that. I lived for that. I lived for the applause. Here goes the quoting Gaga, right? You know, I lived for the applause. And then, um, um, yeah, we, you know, uh, one drug, like they say in, in a lot of, um, spaces, you know, one drug, um, you know, you evolve. You go from one drug to another. And I went from using, um, marijuana at an early age, and I was skipping years because, um, it was done. I always thought that, that marijuana was just like a cigarette. You know, like it didn't do shit.

Mm-hmm.

And then I would see everyone do it and like everyone was just casually having a, you know, you get the munchies, you eat, then you carry on with your day, you know, and sometimes you fall asleep because you're tired. But, um, then drinking came around, you know, I think it started with like going to the liquor store, having an older person buy the liquor or the beer for me because I was underage. or some establishments actually were selling the alcohol because everything was being cut.

Right.

So, you know, yeah, this is just my experience that I went through. And, you know, I don't blame any of my friends. I actually, you know, shout out to anyone who's gonna watch this. You know, I love you guys. All my teen and teenage friends who I grew up with, you know, this was never a bad influence from their end. I always made my conscious decision to get myself into whatever because I wanted to explore, I wanted to experience, I wanted to be grown. Like, that's what it was. Like, the truth is that, um, at 14, 15, I just wanted to feel grown. I wanted to feel like I, I, um— because there was always something. And this is going to be perfect, um, segue to get into the HIV stuff. I always felt like I was, um, old. I always felt like I was older than my than what I was absorbing.

Mm-hmm.

So like, the spaces that I would put myself in— yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, when I got diagnosed with HIV, let's just jump at that. When I got diagnosed with HIV, um, I had already started to dive really deep into no strings attached, um, hookups, and all of that stuff. And my first experience wasn't the— wasn't where I got the HIV. But I'll be truthful to say that up to this point, I don't know who gave me HIV. But I know under what conditions or whereabouts is where I contracted HIV.

Hmm.

Um, so definitely was Craigslist. I'm more than certain because that's where I dove really into getting, um, a lot of the guys. And, um, and now I don't want to blame drugs, um, all the way. I, I— my first experience with, um, with crystal meth Here comes crystal meth. So I remember being in a hotel. It was a sleazy motel. I don't even think it was high class. It wasn't even a hotel. It was a motel, I think.

Right.

It was a motel. And, um, there was this guy and he, he must have been like biracial or something. Uh, he was older. He was wearing this like mechanical suit, I remember. He wore like this mechanical suit, almost kind of like, like very Michael Myers, like very like Halloween Michael Myers type. Like, you know, the, the, you know, the ones that— Like overalls? Yeah, like overalls. Kind of, yeah. Like the one that you just zip up. It's like this blue thing. But he wore that. I still remember very vividly. And he had a very masculine scent to him, like almost like, you know, like he's been having a— he had a hard, long day at work and Um, and as a, you know, as a young fucking, you know, horny little— a horny guy that I was at that age, like, I thought that that was hot and sexy, right? Like, oh God, I'm about to have me a man, you know? And, uh, and so—

Mm-hmm.

How old were you? I was, I was like 14, 15. Yeah.

When you tried crystal meth?

Yeah.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, crystal meth, uh, the first time. And so, uh, yeah, I was definitely about to be 15 because, um, I, um, I started to seroconvert from having HIV. I started to get all the, um, the symptoms, um, around 15. So, um—

Can you, can you tell us, can you tell us what seroconvert means?

Seroconversion, um, again, guys, you know, please, uh, go to a dictionary, go to Google, but I'm gonna give you my experience on what I understand seroconversion is. To me, uh, it's when I Um, when I— when my— when HIV, the virus, um, um, came into the host, right? So from one body to another body, uh, passed it on to me, and I started to experience the side effects— I mean, sorry, the symptoms, because side effects are, are like medication-wise. But symptoms of like, um, for me, my— mine were, um, I started to have a lot of body sweats, um, fever-like, flu-like symptoms, uh, drastic loss of weight. diarrhea for no evident cause. And I would have kind of like skin— like I would get really itchy and there would be like some kind of like— it felt like eczema or some kind of rash skin kind of condition. I've confirmed that there are a lot of people who get these kind of things. Also, I don't know if I answered that, but zero conversion is basically when you go from Negative to having HIV.

Okay.

Crossover.

Gotcha.

I mean, doctor, do you, do you have a better definition? I'm not sure if I, if I—

No, no, no. Yeah. It's just, it's just the con— it's the conversion. Yeah. Conversion over from— yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you. And you can, and you can call me Dallas, by the way. Just call me Dallas.

Okay. Dallas.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you're, you are 14, almost 15. You're in a, what, Knights Inn or something? Red, you know, not even a Red Roof, probably.

It sounds like, you know, I, I don't even know what it was. I think it, yeah, I think it was probably like a mom and pops type, but it, I, I, it may be a Travelodge. I don't fucking know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I remember, uh, one that I, I was, it's, uh, in Western North Carolina when I met another one of these wounded birds that I fell in love with and took home with me from there. But we went to this, it was the, it was a shed, the base. It was just sheds lined up basically.

It was terrible.

I've never been in anything like that before. Like the water was brown that came out of, oh my God, of the sink. It was horrible. But to me in my meth state, I thought that was so hot for some reason. I thought it was just so hot. But anyway, so you're, you're almost 15 years old.

Mm-hmm.

This man, this man just Fixed the car, it sounds like. And he's, he's horny and greased up, ready to, ready to fuck you. So yeah, this is, this is the first time you tried meth at that age. Yeah, that is, that is— what was that like?

You want to know? Okay, so, um, I, I, I, when I went into this person's room, um, we— so he, he apparently he had this room already because Anyways, I went into the room, um, and he— I think he went to the bathroom. I don't, I don't remember. But just, you know, to fast forward, I remember him, um, smoking. So the room is dark, you know, and I don't know at that age why I didn't have any kind of anxiety or fear, but for some reason I was so You know, but I had not hit— listen, I had not even hit the crystal meth yet. So my inner— like, I don't know what it is. I don't know if it was just me, like, chasing for danger, or like being young and naive, and like just not having that sudden care in the world. I don't know what it is. But, um, he pulls out what it looked like, you know, it was a glass pipe. It was like, you know, I thought— I was just like, what is this science experiment that he's about to show me? So it looked— Yeah, like, you know, of course, you know, you got the glass pipe, and he's— And he's just smoking it. And then, um, I'm gazing, 'cause I had already smoked, like, um, weed, and, um, I've done weed, and I had done, like, other party drugs. But, um, I noticed how the smoke just floated real thick and slow. And I said, this does not look like anything I've ever been around. You know?

Mm-hmm.

And that kind of intrigued me, 'cause I was like— and then the way he just, like, Immediately from, like, he just— he seemed so calm. He seemed so calm. 'Cause my experience up to, like, from the person I am today, there are 2 different types of meth addicts. You have the ones that, for some reason, meth slows them down, and then you have those who get wired, right? They're like freaking Sonic the Hedgehog, right?

Yeah.

So, for him, I realized how slow and in control and sexy it looked. There was something very sexy about it. about how he was doing it. And he just goes like this. He just hands—

he just—

he pulls it up and he's like— and he's holding the smoke and he's like, you want some? And he's like letting it go, you know? And sorry for the explicit— anyone, trigger warning, trigger warning! I'm not trying to kick up anybody's shit.

Yeah, that's— yeah, that was— that was pretty graphic.

Okay, I'm sorry. But that's okay, you know? So that was just like my experience. So, um—

But the voice, the voice, the voice was perfect. I loved it.

And so basically, um, to give— my first experience was not me pressing my lips onto a glass pipe. It actually wasn't. My first experience was actually, um, it was what we call shotgun, right? So, um, so this person, because I didn't know what I was doing, um, and I, I just didn't want to be responsible for burning anyone's shit, like, because I didn't know what the hell was going on. So he's like, I'm going to blow this into your mouth, you know, and just suck it in. And that's it. So my first experience with crystal meth, methamphetamines, was me inhaling someone else's, you know, his hit.

Yeah.

And then, of course, from there, it carried on to different experiences. That same night, I did explore other ways. But that was my first experience. And, um, I don't think that that was the— go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, I was just gonna finish off and say that I don't think that that's where I caught HIV. It's not where I caught HIV, but that was my first time that I, um, I did bareback. I did— I, I had my first, um, without condom experience. And, um, because of crystal meth, like, I feel like that's where I lost all care, you know, all inhibitions. Um, I lost the care for myself. Like, I I wasn't focused. I was so, um, I lost the focus. That's it. You know, I lost focus.

Yeah. So did this carry on then? Like, what, what, so tell us in a broad way, like, what was your meth experience like then after that?

Um, I didn't touch that drug for maybe like, um, 2 and a half years, I would say. Um, so I was, yeah, so from 14, uh, that was 14. So 14, 15, 16, um, I think about 6 16 is where I came in contact with it again. And I already— and that was the first time I actually used intravenously.

Oh.

So, yeah. So I used intravenously for the first time between 16 and 17. And to fast forward a little bit more, 16 and 17, it wasn't so bad. It actually, it was like the glory days, call it. It was— I was enjoying it. There was no kind of bad experiences. And of course, I wasn't doing it myself. I didn't know how to prepare. I didn't know how to— what's the right spot and what to do. Do you need a tourniquet? Do I not? I don't know none of that. By 19, though, I learned how to do it successfully by myself through observation.

Mm-hmm.

I was observing other people doing it, and I just— lo and behold, I learned how to— How to be a great injector.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, by then I had already— so is it okay if I share the story of where I found out about HIV?

Yes, yeah, go ahead.

Okay, so, um, there's something in my spirit from also doing a lot of therapy work, because obviously I cannot do this all by myself. I went through some guidance and doing a lot of trauma work with some professionals. And this actually, all of this developed within my 20s to my early 30s. Like, I didn't learn anything about— I didn't learn about this healing or this information that was stored until I got older and in recovery. But when I learned about my HIV, again, it was between the age of 15 and 16 where I zero-converted. Um, I didn't learn that I was HIV positive until April. Uh, it was April 21st of 2010. So I have been, um, positive for over 16 years now. And I— the way I found out was I had been intravenously using, um, obsessively. And, um, I had abscesses. I had, um, my veins were beginning to be shot out at a— before the age of 21.

God.

I had been, uh, I had, I had already been like, my family were, uh, you know, this is, this is the moment that I'm gonna be careful with my words because I know that they're going to watch this. Um, by the way, all of my aunts and everyone, cousins, family, anyone who supported me along the way, I love you so much. Thank you so much for helping me along the way because I needed those sofas. I needed that plate of food. I needed that hug, and I needed that attention when I did need it. And I don't think I've ever said that. So thank you. Um, whenever— at that time, like, my family, they would never— no one ever told me not to do what I'm doing, right? Like, in my family, we never spoke about, like, correcting, like, oh, you're doing something too much. Like, I don't know if it's with the Latino culture. I don't know what it is because I don't want to single out one race or one culture, you know, that they do something different than the others. But I just think that my family just had this thing of, like, they just trusted that I was going to do— that I was— or maybe I hid that side of my— that world so well that no one can see that I was just a menace to my own self. Like, I was crazy. I was trouble for myself. But I carried myself so well. Like, I lost all inhibition. Usually when I would go crazy, it was usually behind closed doors. Like, on the outside, I would paint out so pretty, right? Like, I would make sure I bath. I would make sure my hair is always on point. Like, it didn't really show on the outside. And like, if I had any kind of bad marks from shooting up, I would wear a long sleeve. Like, it was always hidden. Or I would put a little bit of makeup, a bandage, and I would say, oh, I just went and I got some blood work. You know, just like, those were my excuses. I always covered up everything. I knew how to put up a show. And not until I got to— until I got older, and we're going to talk about the campaign, is where I learned a little bit more of how to speak, how to speak and how to carry myself a certain way without representing so much of the mess and the pain, but more of utilizing it as a message. So, um, yeah, 'cause I said a lot in that little whirlwind there. Um, yeah.

So let me just, yeah, let's take a moment. Let me, yeah. Let me put a pause.

Mm-hmm.

You, you started using as a teenager. Um, you started using IV as a 16-year-old.

Mm-hmm.

By 19, you learned how to self-administer, and then 21, Your veins are collapsing. Your life is falling apart. But somehow no one knew around you, right? And it comes back to like, when I think about that and when I think about how calm you were in a dark room with an older man, with a man who knows how old he was, right? And you said, I was always older than what I was absorbing. And I always wanted to be Grown. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, do you, this is, this is a lot for a 21-year-old even, but let's not, you know, they didn't talk about 18, 19, 17, 16.

Well, honey, it was a blur.

It was a blur. To take on and to experience. Um, and so, you know, I don't, we could dig into your, your upbringing and lack of father and all that kind of stuff. But what a, what a, what a way to begin your, your life and what, what to, what, what a life to experience first and foremost to make you really grown, you know, early, soon, sooner than it should be.

Right.

And so you, you became positive in 2010.

Yes.

But what have, what, before we talk more about that, what finally, what finally got you out of What, what started your recovery journey and what has your recovery journey been like?

Um, you want me to fast forward to the recovery part?

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's fast. Yeah. Let's fast forward to, 'cause that's gonna be the big question a lot of people have is absolutely okay. You're ba— you're, you're, you're, you're shooting up all the time. Your veins are busting out. How did you stop? Because yeah, if A lot of people will be listening and will identify with that, and maybe that's where they are right now, but they don't know where to begin. So what was it? What was the catalyst for you, and what was that like?

So my turning point, the point where I finally noticed that everyone is not saying something for some reason, I had to— I really just I had to look at myself in the mirror and not be afraid because I was always so afraid of the shadows and I was always afraid of the mirrors and I was always afraid of speaking in my own voice out loud because I'm afraid of someone hearing me. And to answer that question very truthfully, like, um— Can you repeat that one more time? Sorry, just, yeah, I got you.

What, what, what was the catalyst to stop? Like what made you—

The drug use, right?

Yes. Yeah.

The first moment that I took a stop. So, um, I ended up in the hospital. I ended up in the hospital at age 21 and, um, I was about 21 and, um, yeah. And there was a, there was a lady there, uh, Again, uh, I want to say this. I always say this in some of my videos. Thank you everyone, medical field, uh, people who do the work that a lot of people don't say just thank you because we're in our shit and we're like angry or the bill's about to be high or whatever it is, right? Like, I just say thank you because there's a lot of hard workers in the field, um, medical, substance abuse, and all of that. But, um, there was a lady there and she just kept saying this, like, you remind me of my son. Whatever it is that you're doing, You know, and it was— and honestly, it was very unprofessional. At the time, I was just like, who the fuck is this bitch, like, thinking that she can tell me what the fuck my life is? And, ah, right, like, here I go. But now that I'm older and more mature— and that was a lot of wisdom. That was someone empathizing and having compassion for me and just being stern, you know, and seeing identification that someone like me looks like her son, perhaps, right? Or maybe a son that she lost. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And she didn't know how to say that, right? And so she's— She's doing the hard work because she's seen a fucking Latino boy that maybe reminds reminds reminds of her son, like save your life before you lose your life. You know, so that's what she said. She she literally told me that she was like, whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong, or like you're you're you're you're you know because um she she's like looking at the clipboard and she's opening the things and she's just like from what I see here, you have syphilis untreated. You have HIV and it's not undetectable. You have this and you have that. And it's like, um, you know, um, you have untreated gonorrhea. Your asshole is, is, is, uh, you got, you gotta put some ointment in there. You know, like all of these things that, that, you know, it's very embarrassing to admit, but that is—

Yeah.

That was like, that was the, the, the, the, the dead end, honey. That dead end of that road. And I heard her. And within— and I still remember within all of that beautiful, like, information and very raw truth, the voices still were playing. Like, I was going through schizo— like, very strong schizoaffective disorder. And I was hearing audio— like, audio shit playing in my head while she's talking. And all of that is, like, basically cussing her out. Like, all the voices were saying, you know, fuck this bitch. Who does she think she is? Why is she— why are you letting her talk to you like this?

Mm-hmm. So anywho.

Um, her and the insurance, um, the people who handle insurances and, and like, um, referral and resources, um, I was referred out to my first treatment center. Um, actually my first and only. So yeah, so my first and only, uh, TC that I ever, um, went to, and shout out to Cedar House in Blooming— uh, Bloomington, California. Shout out to Cedar House. Um, I was there for a mere— I was there for a mere Oh, okay. Yeah, I was only there for 40 days. Um, reason why, I was threatening to stab someone with some scissors because I kept hearing them say that I'm a faggot and that I have HIV and that I'm gonna die and that I'm disgusting and that I shouldn't be around here. Who the hell do I think that I'm gonna recover around all these— 'cause they were all straight guys, people who didn't look like me, people who didn't do the same drug as me. Um, and they weren't speaking so openly like I was. like me.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause I was. I would be in these support circles, these workshops or whatever we call them, right? Core groups that we call them in these rehabs. And I was trying to save my life. Like, I was really there trying to save my life and talking about, like— you know, sometimes I do look back, and sometimes talking about a little bit of the mess is important. You know, at least having a safe space to be able to, like, at least one person. But that young me, that 19— that— 21-year-old me wanted to just tell someone I, um, like, I was using drugs to fucking kill my— like, like, I, like, it was a lot of things. Like, between using, you know, crystal meth, like, I wanted to— like, there was secretly, like, I wanted someone. I wanted to find my Prince Charming behind all the clouds, you know?

Yeah.

Like, like, I wanted someone to save me, right? I wanted someone to, you know, to say, hey, um, stop using this drug, it's killing you, but let me love you. Let me learn, let me teach you how to, like, let me show you how to be loved, you know, so you can love yourself more. I don't know. Um, yeah, let me pause there because I think I'm kind of, I don't, I don't really know what direction I'm going. Yeah.

Okay. So you, in the hospital, And then you went, you went straight to treatment. And so people who are listening can, I'm sure, will identify with this. And I can too, is that you're put in a treatment center with straight people or sometimes men and women and, or they're heroin addicts. They're, um, maybe they're alcoholics or maybe they have a problem with heroin and you feel isolated. You feel like no one understands this. And then they're very ill-equipped. to deal with and address chemsex. So now, if you're, if for those of you that are listening and need a treatment center or know somebody who does, there are treatment centers in the US who are specializing in chemsex, like No Matter What Recovery in LA or Breathe Recovery in LA. I'll put the links in the show notes too, but this is an example of, you know, you feel so much more isolated, stigmatized, and even more shame in treatment because you can't talk about what happened with chemsex. Nobody can relate. I would say for you as a 21-year-old who'd been, you know, basically using and having sex since you were 14, you needed somebody. You needed a mentor. You needed somebody to take you in there, you know, under their wings. Thankfully, this lady at the hospital was, you know, said something to you. to make you change your ways there. And so you go there for 40 days and then what was your— what's your recovery journey been like?

So since that was my first TC, my first rehab, I never went back to one because I was very— I was honestly very disappointed in myself. For anyone that's watching or listening, like, don't give up on yourself. You know, if you had a bad experience with something, that's something I wish someone would have told me from the beginning, like, not a recovery coach, not a Serpa, not a KSAC. No one ever told me that. But I simply just wanted someone to give me some motivational— and, you know, MI, right? Motivate Interview Me or something and tell me, you know, this is just one bad experience. You know, it's not the result for everything. You know? And so for me, I just needed someone to give me that encouragement that, like, if one door closed for you, don't give up. You know? For me, the— The solution and the sauce, right, for me was that I just needed someone to empathize with me and said that and just tell me that this drug will just ruin your life if you continue. And when I was able to find that was when I finally went through— I gave myself a break. One thing I did get out of that place is that I realized that there are 12-step meetings.

Mm-hmm.

So there are people get in groups, you know, let's just put it that way. People get in groups, have circle, have meetings. You go fellowship, you know, whatever it is. Let's just not call it for one fellowship, right? But you have all these fellowships out there, which is beautiful that there are different avenues and lines of salvation for people. I think it's great. Anything that just makes you stay stopped, I think it's amazing. You know, I'm a big believer in anything that just keeps you away from harm's way, danger, whatever that is for you, whether it's sex, crystal meth, heroin, pill popping, snorting, you know, all of that stuff, you know, or even just codependency. You know, there's so many things out there that I think I left off in my journey. But it's— today what's working for me is that I am a member of some 12-step programs.

Okay.

And it clearly does help me to understand that I need Community is what I need the most. When I don't feel like I need community and I need a little bit of self-preservation, that's also okay. But I know today that self-preservation, I don't have to fear having some alone time so that I can absorb all the magnificent things that are really happening because the person that I am today is— it's still— the person that I was still lives in there, right? We talk about in other—

Yeah.

You know, people have always spoken about about the inner child, like, that's still something that I am learning to heal. And that's why I spent a lot of time talking about that, because that is exactly where I'm at right now. I'm learning to, to kind of look at that inner— that mirror within, and looking and having that inner child look at that mirror, you know, and, and gaze through the other side, which is my life, and see how beautiful his life has, has changed, you know, because of— It really has been because of struggle. It really has. I have to give a lot of— I have to tilt my hat to the struggle that I had to go through because without that, I don't think anyone, you know, if you're listening or watching, I don't think you have to put yourself in harm's way to get some kind of experience. And that— but that was my story. I put myself in a lot of very sketchy, dangerous, risky situations because I thought that I needed that kind of like level up. up kind of thing. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I thought that I needed to experience something to be a stronger gay in this community. I thought that I needed to have sex a certain way so that I can, like, be able to, to be, um, a, a, a, a better fit for, for the next hung guy or whatever, right? Like, I, I did all of that just so that I can— in the end, you know, I, I touched on codependency because I wanted In the end, it was love that I wanted, right? In the end, it was like love. Some people can say that love can be almost like a drug, you know?

Oh, yeah.

And for me, it was also— you know, I like that you mentioned this, Dallas, that you mentioned— you know, I'm having a little fart, brain fart moment. But you mentioned, you know, it's really just wanting someone to just be there. Like, I just just protection, to show me the right way, you know? Like, and honestly, I found that from, you know, I thought that those mentors, you know, how to use drugs successfully, you know, I thought that that was love. And I thought that that was someone— there, yeah, exactly. That's the point that I wanted to say. So, and I had it all wrong. I had it all wrong, you know?

Mm-hmm.

And so today, you know, I have all these other people who show me. And again, and we spoke about this a little bit off camera, like, I, you know, I have a sponsor and I have, I have sponsees of my own, and I have— let's just call them people that I surround myself with. But here's the big one. My sponsor is just another person who had a drug problem just like me. And he's human. And he's human. So the shit that I sometimes feel like that I don't agree with, that's okay for me to have a— that I might want to roll my eyes. I might want to not talk to him on the dinner table. I might not want to— to agree with what he's saying because, you know, after it all, like, I think that, you know, no one is perfect. There is no perfect way. Let me just put it that way.

Mm-hmm.

There's no perfect way to, you know, but for me, all I can say to give a little bit more hope is if there is a way for you to just slow down your use, you don't have to completely stop, but if you can slow down your use by just Um, taking a moment with yourself. Like, if you've had a bad party, like, let me just— I remember my worst, like, my last one. Let me put it this way. My last one was, um, my last one was when I, I was found in a motel. This was in 2021. Um, I was already, uh, 28 years old. 28 years old. So, um, my last one, I was found in a motel, um, because I chose to go and hike there. And the only way that I snapped out, out— I snapped out of the Meth, um, the meth hypnosis, or, you know, we all know what that's like, right? The— we get into this like hypnosis of pornography and, and being high. Hey, my life was good. My life was very good. I had, um, my significant other who's actually my ex now. Um, we, we divorced back in September of 2025. In 2021, he was living with me in Idaho, in the state of Idaho. And I decided to pick up meth because I felt that I needed it because I was working really hard and that I needed some kind of party escape. It was me with, with like, with me and the shame and then realizing that I hurt somebody. I didn't, I didn't realize that before. I didn't realize before that, you know, because everyone's always hurt me. And like, when I was under the effects of meth, like in that moment, I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how to say I'm sorry with him believing me. Because I'm sorry wasn't going to be enough. You know, I'm sorry it wasn't going to be enough at that moment. He gave me an ultimatum. All I can say is he gave me an ultimatum because he was ready to just pack his bags and leave.

Mm-hmm.

He's actually— he's originally from Brooklyn, New York, and Idaho. He was getting ready to just tell me, hey, I'm going to let you go. And may I add also, you know, being HIV positive and him being HIV negative, that was such a success for me. Like, that was one of my milestones, I want to say, because for someone to have secured a good relationship like that, like, I felt like I was just a shithead, you know? I felt like such a shithead for having picked up drugs and And I thought that, you know, that I would have never had that again. Like, you know, me being HIV positive, I thought that someone wasn't going to love me because I was damaged goods. You know, I always felt like damaged goods. And that, you know, that could have been from the use of drugs. That could have been from my own trauma. But yeah, so that's where that ended. I did end up moving here to the East Coast where I live now in In New York. And I got quickly into recovery because at first what I did— here comes the codependency stuff— at first what I did is that I was doing it for him because I wanted to salvage the relationship.

Okay.

You know? And so I got into recovery because I knew that— I remember just saying, Hey, there's this one thing that I remember worked for me before because I left out the part that I had been— I had like 4 years clean and recovery. You know, I was in recovery like years ago. But in 2021, I finally met my surrender. I said that this is where I need to stop because I had hurt this person's feelings. And And I honestly was afraid of the way that the drugs were today. So that was 2021. Let me put it this way. 2021, all I remember doing was, Dallas, I had just snorted. And for the effects of that drug to have caused me to feel what I did and do what I did, I knew that these drugs were not getting any, like, easier to control.

Mm-hmm.

So I was scared. Let's put it that way. I went straight into psychosis. I went straight into oblivion. And I didn't like that. I didn't like how I felt. And I had a lot of drugs left. And I remember what I told him was, okay, I'm going to flush this and I'm going to move to New York with you, which we did. So we moved to New York and I kept that promise. I kept that promise and I've been in recovery. But now what I'm doing though is I do it a lot for myself and not for people.

Good. Great. Good. Great. Okay. All right. So you've been in New York. So tell us about the HIV story. What is that all about? Yeah.

Woo-hoo! Here we go. So, for you watching, you listening, you can visit HIVstopswithme.org, which is all together. That is the website that is a New York State Department of Health campaign that basically, in my words, is they have found different people from different walks of life that have been diagnosed with HIV. We have some spokesmodels who are actually prenatal, like, so some of them have— they got HIV from birth. And then we have some people who have got HIV from different various ways, right?

Mm-hmm.

So, I'm one of the spokesmodels. I got invited to this campaign about 3 years ago. From today, which is May of 2026, right? And then I have been very happy to have a platform where I go around New York State, both upstate and here in the city, where we do table events, we do social gatherings, we go into small, even intimate spaces, coffee rooms, medical offices. Just basically what we do is that we try to dismantle and decenter destigmatize what we have known HIV to be from the '80s up to 2026, right? So as a person who shared all of that, all I can say is that, you know, I was invited to be a spokesmodel to bring my experience, you know, the strength that I have and the resilience, you know, as a person with HIV.

Mm-hmm.

And meth use, you know, because that is actually something that I speak about the most. And Dallas, I want to say, this is going to be so cool to say, but after meth, you know, after the meth, you know, I have learned that, you know, being an HIV spokesmodel, being a Latino, being a person who's divorced but not giving up on love, Mm-hmm. You know, just still learning to try to find my voice. You know, that's what this campaign is about.

Mm.

That we are real. We are real people.

Yeah.

We're not given— no one gives me a script. No one has taught me, oh, carry yourself this way. No. It's like the way that this campaign works is that we just get invited. And we're told to just record a video every month. And we record our monthly videos, which they're called the Questions of the Month. You can find them on YouTube or the main website.

Yeah.

And we speak for maybe 3 to sometimes 10 minutes. We try to keep it brief. And we're given a Question of the Month, which talks about any kind of area of life where a person with HIV can identify with. And yeah, real-life people learning to share their truth, to diminish and reduce the stigma that still lives out there. And that's it. Really, what we carry— we just carry ourselves trying to speak our truth. We have had— so the way that this campaign started is that— Not all the spokesmodels are the original spokesmodels. So I do want to say this. The campaign is always looking for different spokesmodels. But up to today, we have only 30. We have 30 spokesmodels.

Mm-hmm.

But as me being a year 3 spokesmodel, you know, there were some people who paved the way before me. And I want to say thank you to those people, both, you know, with us and not with us. Because, you know, because HIV is something that we can remain undetectable, right? And undetectable Undetectable means that U equals U, which, you know, you can't transmit the virus if you reach a status of undetectable. So, as spokesmodels, we all get to a point of being undetectable. And unfortunately, life has, you know, there's other ailments that happen in life, right? Other things that happen, such as what I spoke about today. You have some people who substance abuse becomes such a a suffocating thing that some people don't find— they don't find recovery or they don't find the way out. Let's just put it that way. They don't find their way out of whatever hell that they were in. And unfortunately, you know, there are people who, you know, there's so many things. So anyway, like, I just want to say again, and I'll close off with the campaign with saying this, you know, visit HIVStopsWithMe.org because it's not just about us telling our story.

Right.

There's also articles, Articles. There's articles that have a lot of information. If you don't know about a local harm reduction site, if you don't know about a, maybe a 30-day detox that you want to go to, if maybe you just want a support group, you want to message one of us, there's also a, there's a special feature we put that you can put a comment, you can add some information Heck, put your email or just, you know, whatever it is that you want to put, you know, and I will personally directly message you. I am happy to do that. I'm happy to just continue sharing my story and listening to yours. And hopefully we can find a safe place for you to carry your life, you know, happily. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. For those listening who who are struggling with the shame, and I know that you're out there because I've talked to you, and you don't— it's, you know, you're trying to date and you're afraid to know, like, when do I approach that subject? How do I date now? And how do I navigate the apps with HIV? And those kinds of things. This site can be something that, you know, virtually you can go to and see that people, real people are out there living with it and proud of it, making themselves known. They're living their truth, and hopefully that can help you feel inspired to do the same. Okay, Jose, was there anything else that you wanted to mention today before we close up? Wow.

Well, Dallas, I, you know, I don't, I, yeah, I think, I mean, is there, are there any final questions? I don't know if you had any more.

That was my final question.

That was your final question? So, I mean, to leave it at that, I basically, I do— listen, like, what I— what for those who I— if you got to the point of this podcast, this episode, that if you heard about where I'm at in my life right now, the inner child, right?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter what age you are. It doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't matter if you're still using. It doesn't matter if you don't know your status with HIV or if you're negative. Um, if Jose, if myself knew all the things that are available today, we're in 2026, right? And then if you're watching this or listening to this in 2027 and 2030, you know, whatever it is, like, uh, you know, advancements are only getting better. Resources are getting only better, you know, just for today, just for right now. Like, that's what we have available. So I just want to say, like, Seek out, at least gather information. If someone would have just told me to just give yourself a break, to just breathe and have a moment to look around you and see whether if your life is a mess or if your life— what can't you do from here, from this moment?

Yeah.

Flush those drugs. I'm just kidding. I'm like, flush those drugs, because I wish someone would have told me that a lot more. And some hope, you know, for a little bit more hope is, you know, you're not alone. HIV does come to a point where you can reach a status of undetectable. I thought that in my— there was a time where Little Jose, He read or heard the wrong information, and someone told me that you're gonna only live 10 years with HIV. And so when someone told me that I only had a 10-year span of life, I ran real, real, real crazy with drugs. And I just said to myself, why don't I just— I'mma quote Kesha. Um, you know, I'mma die young. You know, live like you're gonna die young. And I— I always say that, like, I thought that, you know, I was grateful that I caught HIV early. Um, but I'm grateful now that I can capture it and I can be in control of my status. So for you listening, watching, please get all the information. Knowledge is truly power. Education is power. Like, get as much as you can. Expose yourself to the right people. Um, and those right people will be those people who you just feel it in your spirit. You just feel that you can be with them. You can exhale. You can just tell them about anything. Um, and when you have those people, um, you know, just hold on to them. them. And, you know, there is safety out there. There are meetings you can go to, support groups, you know, whatever that direction is for you, you know, do it. And love yourself because, you know, only you can really find the solution and the medicine to keep you going. I think that's a good place to leave it at. Thank you so much, Dallas, for inviting me and allowing me to be heard and to have this conversation with you.

Sure. Thank you. Thank you, Jose, for sharing all the story. Very vulnerable. And I know it's going to help someone who's listening. So thank you. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, leave us a comment. You can comment on— you can— there's a little button in the show notes that says send us a comment. You can do that. Send us a text. You can also comment on YouTube or you can comment on Spotify. So, or you can just DM me or Jose at any of our social media handles.

All right.

Have a good week and we'll see you next time.

Thank you.