EP 3:28 Chemsex Recovery: Stop Doing. Start Being.

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link will be in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it. All right. So my mama had driven down to Charlotte from West Virginia. It's about a 4-hour drive to attend Family Day at the treatment center I was attending. This was early recovery. I was still in my drug court days. But on the way to the center, we pulled off into a gas station for a few snacks. As I pulled into the parking lot, a car backed out of its spot way too fast, and it was headed for my front bumper. My reaction was no reaction. I just put on my brakes just in time to dodge them. They saw me behind, they pulled back in, and they let me around. Nothing was said. There were no screaming. There was nothing. So after, after we parked, my mom has commented that knowing me all of her life, she had never seen me So calm, so non-responsive, and so peaceful. I was becoming the man I was always meant to be. I was embodying the characteristics I had journaled about, affirmed about, meditated about. This was more than recovery from meth. This was evolution. This was transformation. And only when I created a clear vision of how I wanted to show up in the world and made a decision to be that man did my recovery actually stick. The worksheets in the treatment center meant something now. The meetings I went to were utilized. The therapy integrated. The man I was Was slipping away. I had to be before I did, which led to having recovery. So let me explain. All right. So having, doing, being. Most of us are taught that life works like this. You do the work and then you have the life. Hustle, grind, win, right? So you stop using, you build a routine, you show up to therapy, you do the inputs, and eventually you say you're going to get the output. That logic makes sense on the surface. And it's not— look, it's not entirely wrong and it doesn't entirely not work, but it's incomplete. The incomplete gap is where so many people get stuck. Their development is arrested. And you know who these people are, and it might be you. Because underneath the doing, underneath every action you take, Or avoid, there's something older and quieter that's actually running the show, like an open tab, a program in the background. And that is the beliefs you hold about yourself. Those beliefs create your reality. There are 3 levels at which reality is going to move. That's the having, The doing and the being. So most recovery programs live in the first 2. They focus on what you stop having in your life and what you start doing differently, which is fine, but neither of those reaches to the very root. The root is being. The root is your identity. Your life does not rise to the level of your dreams. It falls to the level of your deepest beliefs about yourself. So think about this. There is an upper limit to what you will allow yourself to experience based on your beliefs. It's a threshold of connection, of joy, of peace. And at some point that starts to feel unfamiliar and it feels unsafe even. And the moment you cross that threshold, something in you quietly arranges— some people call that sabotage— a return to what feels like normal. So you pick a fight, you make up drama, you disappear for a weekend, you find your way back to the party you swore you were done with. You find your way back to that person. That's when you go back to your ex, right? Because your being, your identity, your sense of what you deserve pulled you back to what it recognizes, where you're comfortable. This is why white-knuckling does not work long-term. You cannot do Your way out of a being problem. You cannot hustle or discipline or willpower your way past that invisible ceiling that's your own self-concept. The man who keeps ending up in the same draining dynamics is not making bad choices. He is being exactly who he secretly believes he is. And here's where the whole thing begins to pivot, because there's a moment in recovery, and I've witnessed it in my clients, I lived it myself, that day at the parking lot was one of them, where something shifts, where a man gets a genuine glimpse of who he is without the myth, without the shame, without the road rage, without the performance, just a taste. A glimpse, a flash of what it feels like to inhabit who he's supposed to be fully. And once that happens, something begins— something becomes, sorry, very difficult to undo. Once you get there, it's hard to go back. Think about learning to ride a bike. Before you could do it, it felt impossible. Then one afternoon, something clicks. Your body finds the balance, and then you suddenly know in your bones. And you can never fully unknow how to ride a bike, right? You can fall off, you can avoid riding it, but that knowledge lives in you. But you have to experience it first. That is what a glimpse of your true self does. It becomes a reference point that your nervous system never forgets. You go higher and you go higher, expanding anyway. This is why being and doing Stop being opposites. And that's when they start being partners, right? So once you have felt that reference, even a small one, you can ask a different question before you act. Not what should I do, but what would he do? The man I'm becoming, the one I caught a glimpse of, what would his morning look like? How would he respond to this text? What would he choose when no one is watching? And every time you act from that place, you feed the being, you confirm the being, you reinforce the beingness, you make it more real. The doing is no longer pushing upstream against your identity. It begins to flow with it. And 6 months later, a year later, you look back and you realize, You have not been resisting the old version of yourself. You have simply become someone else. All right, so here is a simple diagram that I'm going to show you. I'm going to share it on the screen. If you're only listening, then I'm sorry. I will try to explain it to you. So it's an inverted, it's an inverted triangle. Okay? At the bottom is the being. As you can see, the foundation of your recovery is the being. You must be the state of consciousness of the man who does not use, the man you're becoming, the potentialized version of yourself before You do or have. So when you are in the beingness of your highest and best, you will do with inspiration instead of obligation. You will then have the desires of your heart. They will arrive. I hope that makes sense. All right, let me not share here and get back to it. So listen, let's talk about This, the prophetic vision. The prophetic vision that you may have heard me talk about, it's not a fantasy. This is your blueprint. This is why we do this in Recovery Alchemy, my program. One of the first things we do together is the prophetic vision exercise. I ask my clients to imagine in vivid and specific detail their life fully inhabited, not the absence of meth, but the presence. Of something real. What do their mornings look like? Who is sitting across from you at dinner? How does your body feel in your own skin? What work are you doing that really matters? When you can see that man clearly, when you can feel what it is like to be him, you begin to act from that place rather than toward it. Everything is blessed from that. The doing flows from the being. The actions become natural expressions of who you already are becoming, rather than desperate attempts to become someone you cannot yet even believe in. That prophetic vision gives you the glimpse. It gives your nervous system a reference point. It makes the being real enough to step into. Even before the external evidence catches up. Now you can access this full webinar that I have that walks you step by step on how to build your vision. That link will be in the show notes. All right, so here's 3 ways to practice this every day if you don't wanna do the vision. Number 1, ask, what would he do before you act? The man you are becoming already exists He's already there and you can imagine him and you can become him before you open an app, before you decline an invitation, before you walk into a difficult conversation, pause and ask, what would that version of me do? Not what feels safe or right or what feels true. Every time you act from that question, you are feeding the being. You are confirming the identity. You're making him more real. All right. Number 2, let your prophetic vision be specific, not abstract. Vague dreams produce vague results. Go back to your vision and get very granular. What is he wearing? What time does he wake up? How does he speak to himself after a hard day? Who's in his quarter? What does Saturday morning feel like in his body? The more detail you build, the more your nervous system has to work with it. You're not writing a wishlist. You're drafting a blueprint of the man your whole life can begin to organize around. Number 3, do one thing today that he would do. You don't have to worry about the whole day. You don't have to worry about 100 things. One thing. Make that phone call he would make. Cook that meal he would cook. Take that walk he would take. Set that boundary he would set. Every aligned action. Is a vote cast for your new identity, a confirmation that lands in your body, not just the mind, in your heart. You are not waiting to become him before you act like him. You are acting like him so that the becoming accelerates. And then you do it again tomorrow. And the day after that, until one morning, you're gonna wake up and realize you stopped counting the distance between who you were and who you are. You've become him because there is no distance left, right? Recovery is not the story of a man who escaped something terrible. That's what we try to make it. It is the story of a man who finally stopped letting that terrible thing decide who Who he is. You have always known who you were underneath the fog of myth. The prophetic vision is just the practice of carving him out, of remembering who you truly are. The life you want is not waiting for you on the other side of some finish line. It is waiting inside the man you are consciously choosing to become. One day, one decision, one act of alignment at a time. And it starts right now. I hope that helps. If you have any questions, you wanna join in the conversation, you have any feedback, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, or you can send me a DM on any social media platform anywhere. I'm everywhere at all times. Hope you're enjoying these solo podcasts. If you are, tell me. If you're not, tell me. I'd love to hear from you and have a great week.