EP 3:34 YOU aren’t a chemsex addict

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermeth Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and this solo episode. Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. As always, the link will be in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get it in the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it all around the world. All right, so let's talk about some things today, and I'm going to start it with a story. I've been liking these little stories. I hope that you have. Let me know if you do. Let me know if you don't. So imagine me, phone in my left hand, thumb scrolling through Grindr, cigarette in my right hand, not inhaling. Never inhaled cigarettes. I don't know why. I tried to get addicted to cigarettes. Just one thing I could not get addicted to was nicotine. But, you know, I like the aesthetic of it. I had both feet up on the patio banister, and it was a bright Saturday afternoon, and I was having a conversation with a guy on Grindr about partying. I was doing the math in my head. Okay, so Saturday night into Sunday morning, I could get some rest, be ready for work. I think I can make this work. One voice said, go for it. Another voice, another part of me said, this is not who you are. You're gonna lock yourself in this room with this guy who could be in psychosis or look totally different than his pics. For 48 hours, and you are going to regret this on Monday. Some people call that the angel and the devil, which I do not, but for visual sake, you can imagine that. This voice said, why don't you go hiking today? Why don't you call a friend and do something fun? Do something that doesn't leave you broken on a weekday. And not knowing which voice to listen to, I thought, hmm, well, let me look at his dick pics. That'll help me decide. So I kept listening. 2 different voices, 2 different parts. And I was thinking through it. I looked up from his portfolio of nudes. If part of me wants to use and part of me doesn't want to use, then who the hell am I? Who's watching these voices? Who is the person observing these 2 parts? That was one of the many spiritual epiphanies that I had during my active use. It was moments that I pulled on in early recovery that I recalled, still do recall it, obviously. And in early recovery, I learned about parts integration, and that's what I wanna share with you today. All right. So working with the part of me who wants to use meth. Revolutionized my recovery, and it helped me develop in a really deep spiritual way, an emotional way too, psychologically. It also alleviated a ton of shame that I had developed sitting around in a circle introducing myself as an addict. My soul self is not an addict. Okay. Can't be. A soul, light consciousness cannot be an addict. However, part of me had developed addictive patterns associated with chemsex. A part of me who I created, I programmed, and I nurtured. So once I got to know him, I was knowing myself in a deeper level, and my entire life became brighter, more open, and most of all, whole. More whole. Wholeness. So I let my clients— or I tell my clients that I don't want to hear them say, I want to use, or I have a craving. Instead, We say, a part of me wants to use. A part of me is experiencing a craving. I get eyes rolling at me a lot, and you might be rolling your eyes listening to this, but it makes a big difference. This allows you to begin a dialogue with that part and separate your whole identity from the behavior. All right, so how do we dialogue with this part? So once you name it, then you can go a little deeper. You can actually have a conversation with this part. So I like to personify it. So the first method is personification. So I want you to ask yourself, what does this part that wants to use, what does, what does he look like? He, she, they. What do they look like? Does it have a shape, a color, a texture, an age, a gender, an expression, an essence? Some men see it as a shadow or some type of reflection of themselves or a younger version of themselves. Some see it as something protective, like maybe it's armor. Some see it as something like a hungry ghost, right? Or a wolf or something like that. But don't overthink it. The image that comes up is typically going to be the right image. Now, Once you see it, you give it a name. A lot of you will see it as something evil at first and then give it some evil name. Try not to. Try not to give it an evil name because you're giving yourself an evil name. You're calling yourself something evil. You know, when we say Tina the bitch or whatever, or the devil part of me, that's just working against yourself. This is all parts of you, right? And if you're familiar with internalized family systems, there are no bad parts. So just think of a word or name that would describe the essence of the part that wants to use. Now you can ask it questions because it's separate from you and you can imagine it. So what do you want, part? What are you protecting me from? What were you programmed to do and why did that make sense at the time? Big questions. Okay. So a second method could be a letter. You write to this part and you can ask it directly, what is it that you really want, part? 'Cause it's not meth. Meth is the delivery system. And it's not sex, probably. Meth is the vehicle. But understand that your part wants something deeper. It wants safety for you. It wants connection for you. It wants to numb out the pain for you. It wants to give you pleasure, power, visibility, rest. So write the questions down, then allow that part to answer. So then you write from that part. Sometimes some people say to use your non-dominant hand when you're writing from that part. There's something about crossing that threshold into the other side of your brain that lets the answers come a little more freely. But write out this part, what this part's telling you, and then write back. You're having a conversation on the page. Sounds kind of silly, but it really isn't when you start doing it. So a letter to this part, a letter from this part, back and forth until you understand, until you have come to an agreement or some type of at least a better knowing, right? A better relationship rapport. So the 3rd method is a meditative ask. I like this one myself. You don't write, you sit. And you ask the question in your mind, what is it that you want? You picture it. Maybe you picture it in a chair next to you or in the same room or sitting beside you. What do you need? And you wait. You stay in that quiet, be receptive. The answers sometimes just come, they bubble up. Sometimes it's a word or a vision. Sometimes it's an image or a feeling. Sometimes it's a— Just a whole set of words or conversation that you didn't— wouldn't even expect. All 3 of these methods are doing the same thing though. They're turning a craving into a conversation. They're turning this fragmentation you're experiencing of this part, that part, this part into listening And integrating and mediating. Learning. Because listen, what you say after I am matters more than you think. When you say a part of me wants to use, you're telling yourself the absolute truth. When you say I'm having a craving, You're still separating yourself from it a little bit, right? I'm having, I'm experiencing, a part of me is experiencing a craving. Not, I am the craving. It's my craving, right? When it's not yours, when it's separate from, you get to observe it and have a conversation with it and learn from it. When you say, I am an addict, or I am an alcoholic, you've just made that part your whole identity. You've claimed in your soul, your soul self, that that's who you've always been and that's who you'll always be. You've made it permanent. You've made it a life sentence. Your soul self, your truest light, is not an addict. It never was, and it never will be. It doesn't want to use. And listen, if you're listening to this podcast, if you are in my program, if you are reading my emails, you don't want to use. Every time you sit in a room and you say these words, "I am an addict." Every time you repeat them, you're reinforcing the program and you're getting deeper into that identity. And I'll bet you there are ways it's showing up. And you're telling your nervous system, your subconscious mind, your whole being, this is what you are. You are destined to be an addict. It's a life sentence. You're always on guard. You're never going to get better. This is permanent. This is who you will always be. And that's why that language matters. That's why a part of me changes everything for you. And you will feel an immediate relief in your nervous system when you say, a part of me wants to use, 'cause it keeps the truth intact. Your true self is not labeled. Nowhere inside you are you going to find a label that says addict. So when you say a part of me, it keeps the door open. It keeps you free. All right, so let's talk about integrating these 2 parts. So there are 2 parts, right? One who wants to use and one who doesn't want to use. But neither one of them are actually you. You get to be the mediator. So I want you to picture an infinity symbol. And if you get the study guide, you'll see it. Your Soul Self sits in the center, watching, your true light. On one side, the part that wants to use. On the other side, the part that doesn't wanna use. Both were formed from conditioning in your life because oftentimes the part that doesn't wanna use Also is a shaming part, an inner critic part. You have to be really careful about the tone and the frequency of the part that doesn't want to use. It is not good. Neither one of them are good or bad, but they are both trying to protect you in some way. So when you're not connected to your center, your full self, when you stop labeling yourself, your true self, If you're not there, that you, you will get pulled back and forth along that loop over and over. And some men get stuck using and staying stuck in that loop for years. So you don't pick a side, you get curious about both sides. So let me show you how this works in one way. And I'm gonna use a real client's example, not his name or anything, but he did give me permission to share the work we did together. So you're gonna You'll find a link to a worksheet in the study guide for this practice. Okay? This is a worksheet that I use in my program. So you're going to ask each part a question and then integrate the answers so that both sides get what they want and you are finally in control of your life's direction. Okay. First, your question is, what is your core belief? You're gonna ask each side. The part that wants to use— these are the examples from my client— that his core belief, the part that wants to use said, we love the euphoric and naughty sex on meth. The part that doesn't wanna use said, the connectedness and chemistry of sober sex is way more powerful and fulfilling. So you don't wanna pick a side. You wanna give them both what they want. So you look at both sides, what they're actually saying. Again, neither one is wrong. One wants euphoria, one wants connection. They're not working against each other. They're both pointing at the same thing from different sides. They wanna help you. So an integrated belief, this is when you put them together. The example we came up with was sober, connected sex can be euphoric and naughty. There you go. The whole fight resolved. You've mediated. You've given them both what they want and freeing you. So nothing was eliminated or defeated. There's no battle. Both parts got what they asked for. So then we talk about the method. Okay, part that wants to use, what's your method? I continuously pitch ideas. So this part that wants to use, he was saying that the client was saying it was continually giving him new ideas how to use, right? Or we could always do this and we could always do that, right? But we could do here. The part that doesn't wanna use, patient. There was an open invitation to find dopamine in other ways. Okay. So one is very loud and relentless, like, here's this idea, here's this idea. One is patient, but both are trying to get him to a feeling, to protect him, to give him something. So we came up with an integrated method. So when you write the integrated method, you'll see this on the worksheet. You frame it as when I feel, comma, I find. So when I feel ideas to use, Okay. I find my own dopamine hit in another way. The method isn't, right? The method isn't fight the pitch. It's hear the pitches and go get the thing both are asking for. It's a method that integrates. When I feel ideas to use, this is for him. So when he starts hearing those ideas to use, I find my own dopamine hits. He goes and knows he has a plan. How am I gonna get dopamine in another way? And that will satisfy the part that wants to use, who's giving you ideas on dopamine, and it satisfies the part that doesn't wanna use 'cause it's getting its dopamine too. You are in charge, right? You're not at the mercy of an urge. So then we look at the fears. Part that wants to use, what's your fear? He fears that you're going to be bored and dull. The part that doesn't wanna use says, I fear that you will be unfulfilled. How do I integrate that? So it's the same fear. I'm gonna be bored and dull, and I'm gonna be unfulfilled. Both parts are terrified of a flat, gray life for our client, for this person. So with the fears, you wanna name the opposite, right? It's the presence of what you actually want. So our opposites were, I belong, I am welcomed. I am interesting. And I am content. Those are the opposite of the fears that both parts have. So you take those opposites and then you find all the evidence that will support them. I belong. Where do you belong? Find a place in your life where you belong and anchor into that. I'm welcomed. Where are you welcomed? I'm interesting. I'm content. You make it your mission every day to find evidence of those being true, and that alleviates the fears both have. Because if you feel belonging and you anchor into that every day and you find the evidence, look, I belong here in this group. I belong with this person. Even if it's your dog, then you're not feeding the fear of the part that wants to use. I hope this is making sense. All right. Then we go into the wishes. What do the, what wish do these parts have? So when we asked the part that wants to use for him, the part that wants to use says, I wish that you have an exciting life. The part that doesn't wanna use said, I wish for you to be thriving. So that's the part you've been calling your enemy that's wishing you have an exciting life. The part that wants to use just wanted him to have an exciting life. So the integrated wishes are the same. I want you to be safe. I wish you to be loved. I wish you to have an exciting life. I wish you to be Thriving. You take these wishes and you just use them and you love them and like, oh, both parts want the best for me, an exciting life and a thriving life. Wow. So this is, that's integration. Although we could say this is integration light because these, this is really the very basic steps in this process. Remember, I am not, I'm not helping you get, I'm helping you get ready for therapy. I am not therapizing you. So I'm not going deep into internalized family systems. I haven't been trained, but this is such a powerful exercise that'll get you started and moving along that direction. So not trying to fight or eliminate either part of yourself. It's just understanding what it needs and finding a way to give it that without doing what we don't desire, which is use meth. So then you close in this conversation the way you'd close any real conversation with parts of— with anyone else. You thank both parts for showing up, for talking to you. You tell them, I hear you. Even if you don't agree with how they've been going about it, I hear what you're doing. I hear what you're saying. I hear what you want. I understand that I've been giving you permission to do this in the past, but now we're changing directions. And then you state your intention. I'm going to find healthy ways to get you both happy, to meet the needs of both of you, because you're part of me. The part that uses is still me. It's a part of me. It's not my identity. Because the, I, the real me is mediating between the two. So I did, like I said, I did build a worksheet for this. It's a 2-page worksheet. On the first, you're gonna map out both parts across those 4 questions, core beliefs, the method, the fear, and the wish. And on the second, you find the sentences that give both of them what they want. The examples above that we talked about here are already on the sheet. So you can see the shape of the work before you do it on your own. I'm gonna put the link in the study guide to this worksheet. It's in Google Sheets. Download it, print it, or fill it out on the screen. It's a fillable PDF and you can save it. And do it again, again and again and again. Do it again in a month. Do it again in a week. See what's changed. Maybe methods are changing. Listen, These parts are you. They change too. Maybe it's softer. Maybe it's easier the second time. Keep doing it. Because again, the goal is never to kill that part of you that wants to use, never to fight it. The goal is to find out what it's been asking for all along and give it what it wants and give the other parts what it wants. It— everybody inside you can be happy. Acceptance of yourself, love of yourself is pulling these parts closer. When you push them away, when the, when you know, the addiction's doing pushups in the parking lot or the monkey on my back, or that's the enemy, or whatever it is, all these comments, all these attitudes about the part of you that uses pushes it away, which means I'm fearing it. I'm hating it. I'm push. I'm I am fragmenting myself. If you want peace, contentment, wholeness, then you bring all the parts close. All right. Hope that helps. Love you. If you want to join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify. You can comment on YouTube. You can send me a DM. I'm on social media on all platforms. At all times. All right, have a great week.