EP 3:40 Top Chemsex Trigger: Re-Entry

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermeth Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right. Welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode. Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link's in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it. All right. So, you know, there's one huge differentiating advantage, incentive, I think, of being a client in my program. And that is learning recovery, like doing the tools in real time while you're out there living your life, right? Like, like, like in, in-person treatment has its advantages. I, I think IOP, all of that has its advantages, but actually, how better really to Use the tools and retain in your body what it's like to say no, in your body what it's like to process a craving and to really reorient the brain how to not use meth, then really this direct experience of living life and making the decision on your own, right? Look, you are going to encounter so many situations That activate these old patterns that you were not even aware of before because you've been running on autopilot for so long that you're going to discount a lot of triggers that are there that you can't name. If I tell you what's triggering to you, you're not gonna be able to think of, well, in September it's the anniversary of my mother's death and I usually go on a bender. You're not gonna really, that's probably for the most part, maybe not come to mind as a trigger cuz it only happens once a year and it may be very much on autopilot and subconscious. So really, this is a lot like shadow work. You can see a certain apartment building, you can see a hotel, a street, you know, Pride, holidays. It really takes an entire year or more of living your life to really observe exactly what is going to trigger you and to assess kind of how best to process each one. So one of these huge causes of chemsex relapse, that you don't expect. You may know happens, but you don't really list it as a trigger. It's what I call reentry. So reentry is when you return home from a trip. So it could be a personal trip, it could be business, whatever. It could also be returning home from treatment as well, right? You're coming back to the same environment. So this little phenomenon here will catch men off guard every single time. 'Cause while you're away, maybe it's on vacation, Especially on vacation or holiday or business. You feel strong, you feel resolved, like you're loving life. And unless you go on a bender while you're on vacation, and that's a whole other, a whole other situation. But you know, that usually will continue when you come home too. But we're gonna pretend that you were, you were a good boy on vacation. But as soon as that plane begins to descend, you're gonna get the meth brain. It's gonna kick in. It's very common for men to start texting their dealer while in flight or to take an Uber directly from the airport to the dealer's house. So this is something that treatment or therapists or whatever you're at simply sometimes have a very hard time preparing you for, especially if they haven't been there. For somebody like me who has done it all, I can anticipate how you're going to think, and I can call bullshit on a lot of excuses and loopholes that you try to make. So let's talk about reentry and how to return home meth-free, but better yet, how to return home with a renewed trust in yourself. Look, here's the goal for me, for you. One day I want you to just go on vacation, return home like all the other normies, not be anxious, Not be plotting, not be scheming, and not have to put so much energy into avoiding meth. Like, this is the goal, right? Okay, so here's what's actually really happening in the brain with reentry and why it's a trigger. So you've been away for a week, right? You've been on this dopamine drip. New places, new faces, like sunlight, ocean, relaxation, adventure, right? It's novelty, novelty, novelty. It's all new. And your brain gets used to this flood of novelty, but then you come home and it shuts off, right? Even on the plane, even when you see your airport, your predictable environment, the same walls, the same commute, the same apartment, like it produces all— none of that stimulation. The novelty's gone. So your brain, like on this ride of flood meets the drought. Like it's that flat kind of empty, hollowed out feeling. It's a novelty crash. So now you stack everything else on top of that. You're exhausted. You've crossed time zones. You didn't sleep well. You're grumpy. You're tired. How is it? You know, sometimes vacation is great, but you're more tired when you get back than you came, than you were when you left, right? Sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation's gonna knock this prefrontal cortex offline. And you're not gonna be able to make the decisions that you wanna make. You're gonna go into autopilot, that part that resists the impulses, right? It pauses. So you're running on autopilot and autopilot knows, it goes into default mode. What do we always do when this happens? And what we always do is we make plans to use and we go use, right? You're walking back into the environment where you used. So look, these environmental cues are going to fire before you can even think about it. That's why you have to build the safeguards before so that while you're in it, you cannot decide to use or not use. You have to have no choice because those cues will change your mindset. You might be at a 10 when you leave vacation, I'm not going to use. You get— the airplane lands, you can get to a 2 or a 1 real fast. Those, the cue reactivity happens unconscious in your unconscious awareness. So the craving arrives before any reasoning does. So all this relapse prevention tools you've been rehearsing and writing down and working out worksheets, they felt really strong, but they all go out the window. And then comes that still small little voice like, let me just text Mr. Dealer. Let me just see if he answers. If he answers, you know, blah, blah. You know, it's like you're putting this— test out in the universe. Or something like that. And then there's, you know, of course, this unconscious thought of, let me just fit one in before real life begins. Let me fit one in before I go back to work. You're scheming in your mind like, okay, if I start here and then I have— I can quit after this many hours and then I can rest and then I can be at work. Like, all that bullshit, it's all bargaining. There's this liminal space, right, between the vacation and the grind. You're not back to the grind yet. And that feels like a Like a last hurrah. But beneath all of this is the thing that we're not saying out loud is sometimes that vacation was an escape for you. And now you're back in contact with the very thing you're trying to avoid, for some of you. And for some of you, maybe life is great, but it's just the environmental cue of being back. It could be many, many, many different things, right? It could be many whatever for you. But the thing is, is that this is one of the top— reasons that men relapse. So what I did is I, in my program, and I'm gonna share this with you, it's a Google Doc, it's called a reentry plan. So it's a planning tool. I'm gonna provide it to you for free, but I use it with my clients to walk through reentry, right? And so that they can come home meth-free. So it's 4 phases. We're gonna look at it. So I'm gonna bring it up here and we're gonna take a look, um, at it. If you are listening, then you'll just have to pretend you can, you can look at it later, or, um, just listen to me. You'll be able to get the point. Okay. So we wanna start pre-departure. We want to get ahead of this. So if you do make it home, Like, we want you to come, you want to come home to a nice clean house or apartment, whatever. If you come home to clutter, there's something about that that says, I'm getting out of here, right? Or let me clutter more, right? Um, you want to have food, fresh food ready, not fresh food ready, something in the refrigerator or something that's Non-perishable, something that you're not hungry. And if you're a bottom, make it something that's spicy, you know, something that'll kind of inhibit you from wanting to go out and, and have a fuck fest, right? You just kind of look at yourself like, I, before I leave, I'm going to make my bed. I'm going to set everything up so that I come home to a smooth transition into a nice, organized, clean space. Organized, clean space on the outside reflects what's on the inside, right? So we're gonna, you know, you're gonna do your, there's a checklist here, right? Like, what is my high risk specifically? So you gotta kind of ask yourself, what have I, in the past, what has triggered me before? Is it vacation mindset? Is it being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Is it coming home to a mess? Whatever it is. Okay. I'm not gonna go over every line, but when, before you do, so before you leave, you need to make sure you're, of course, your apps are deleted. Or blocked from your phone, not just deleted. That'll help you not go on the vacation binge and disappear, and everybody's gotta go on Grindr to find out where you are. Do not do that. It's embarrassing. Stock your fridge, all of that stuff, right? That's what you're gonna do beforehand. Okay. So when you're in transit, this is when you're coming home, right? You wanna start checking in With yourself before you get on the plane. Am I hungry? Am I feeling lonely? Am I having a— am I having a dopamine drip, a novelty drip? Am I— how am I feeling? Am I started that dive yet? Keep checking in and communicating that with your team, whoever that is, even if it's just one friend. You wanna start this communication back and forth of, this is what I'm feeling. What could I do? Like, okay, I'm feeling a little dip. What can I do to raise my dopamine? Maybe I give a little FaceTime to my— My dog back home. Maybe my dog's waiting for me and that's, that kind of lifts me up. Whatever it is. All right. The sadness of leaving the vacation or whatever. Maybe you could look through pictures. Be creative here. You wanna put the meth thinking cap on that you use to find ways to use, to find ways not to use. It's the same energy. You just have to use it for good, right? I, I say good, but in alignment with your desires and your goals, right? Are you, are you bargaining with yourself? Has there been any fleeting thoughts to use, any tiny plan to use? Has there been anything in the back of your mind? You want to call that out immediately. You want to text somebody, you want to call somebody, you want to voice memo somebody, you want to write it down. You want to call that out because if you Keep ignoring that still small voice, it becomes a strong voice and it takes over when you go offline. Okay. While you're in transit. So I actually, I say that guys need to, I need to update this form to do this while you're on vacation or your business trip is begin to visualize yourself coming home from the airport, immediately unpacking. Mm-hmm. And everything that you're going to do and how good, clear it feels, how much pride you have in yourself. You want to start visualizing this ASAP while you're on vacation. You wanna get this in your mind. The subconscious doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination, and it, you're giving it a plan B. You're giving it a way to avoid going into the default mode of what you normally do. This is, you're giving it a new way of being, a new, you're remembering your future. You wanna start doing that on vacation while you're laying on the beach. Visualize yourself how it's going to feel to come home and having interrupted the same damn cycle that happens every time. So this is a very important part, but you wanna do this on the plane too. Now you might be sleeping, which I do, you know, suggest, Melatonin, whatever you have, a good old Trazodone, something like that to put you to sleep. I don't think you take Trazodone on the plane, but it depends on the flight, I guess. But you, you want to start visualizing that on the plane the best that you can, as much as you can. While you're falling off, while you're falling asleep, all of that, you want to really want to lock into, this is how I'm going to be. This is how I'm going to feel. This is what I'm going to do when I get home. Home, when the plane lands. Okay? And then you're gonna put it here like, all right, when I walk through the door, here are the first things I'm gonna do. You're gonna know when I walk through that door, first I'm gonna put my bags down. I'm gonna grab some food if I'm hungry, some water. Then I'm going to take my bags and I'm going to unpack them right away. I am going to tell and signal to myself that I am in order, that I am in order. That I am in control. I'm calling the shots here. I'm putting everything away. I'm putting my suitcases away, and now I'm ready for whatever is next. Hopefully you have something planned. Don't leave it to chance. If it's just you and Bravo for the night, chances are you're gonna be getting on your phone and it, it, the chances of you using go up. So you have to, for the most part, make a plan with somebody or something, a movie or something like that, unless you're exhausted. Mm-hmm. But, and that's fine too. And then what you won't do, you know, not gonna open the apps. I'm not gonna reach out to the people who use this, right? I'm not gonna do these things. All right. So the, the important part of this too is the check-ins. You want to schedule a check-in and you wanna do it in a way that's most inconvenient for you, probably a video check-in with your team, whoever they are. You want to check in before the plane lands. You want to check in exactly when that plane hits the ground. And you want to share— you can share flight details now with anybody. Share the flight details with your team. They need to know when you land, and you need to tell them exactly what questions to ask because our meth brain kicks in and we will answer the way we think we need to answer to get away with it. Hey, I landed. I'm great. See you in a few minutes, or whatever. And then we don't hear from you for 3 days, right? Like, you wanna know— like, I wanted this person to ask me, hey, have you had any thoughts of using? Have you been making any plans? Have you been texting anyone? Have you tried? Like, very specific questions to hold you accountable so that you can't wiggle out of and hold back. Then I suggest having someone pick you up from the airport. Don't rely on an Uber. Don't rely on yourself. Have someone picking you up and taking your ass home. And if they can, staying with you. If it's your partner, of course they, they will, right? But a friend stay with you for the night. This Seems extreme, but it is not. This is literally often in early chemsex recovery what it requires. You have to be chaperoned. I'm sorry. You have to give up your privacy. I'm sorry. But you will feel so good after it's done. You will know what it's like You've interrupted the pattern. You've given the subconscious something new. And then you reinforce that every time. So you don't have to have these boundaries and all of this every, for the rest of your life. But, and, but for a while, and then you can start loosening them up a little bit, you know, and, and then taking the training wheels off. And then all of a sudden you're a normie, right? You just land and you go the fuck home and you don't think about it. Like, that's the goal. But. Placing your phone as soon as you get home, placing your phone in another room, turning your phone off, all of that stuff, grounding yourself. There's a lot of things on here that you wanna think about. The first 30 minutes, like I have you schedule the first 30 minutes of what you're gonna do. You're gonna take a shower, you're gonna change into clothes, you're gonna make some hot tea, you know, you're going to check in, you're gonna call. Checking in has to be planned, has to be scheduled. And that person needs to know. And by the way, we're making all of this an app. That I'm really excited to release soon. I say soon, I don't know when. This will be an app on your phone. So that person, that accountability partner will get a notification. Have you called him? Have you asked him this question? Right? And so that's gonna be really good. Anyway, so you wanna have these check-ins and you wanna do that throughout the night unless that person's staying with you. Maybe you go for a walk. Here's what I won't do. I won't lie down to just rest and scroll. That's a trouble zone. I won't grab my phone. I won't check my apps. I won't contact anybody I shouldn't. I won't tell myself, eh, I'll just do all this tomorrow. That's setting you up for failure. So then I have the first 48 hours detailed schedule. What are you doing with your time between you time you get home and when you go back into your job or your life? Who are you making plans with and are they strategically placed? In other words, if I get home on a Friday, I wanna make sure on Saturday morning I have plans I can't get out of. I told Grandma I'd call her at 7:00 AM and have a conversation with her. That's something that you can't get out of for the most part. Or something along those lines. Pay for a show, whatever, prepay for a massage, something. Make a work meeting if you can. Whatever you have to do. Again, put on your meth thinking cap. How do I sabotage myself from using? If you leave windows open, like a Friday night, you don't have a plan, you don't have check-ins scheduled, You're setting yourself up. You're subconsciously leaving a door open. I don't really need that. Fine. Let's see. Let's test it. So 48 hours are all planned, um, where everything you're doing, when you're going to bed, when you're putting your phone away, who you're calling, when you're calling 'em, what are you doing, um, phone-in safeguards. This is— I'm zipping through this now. And emergency protocols about what you do when you're struggling in the moment. So there's, there's the gist of it. I'm going to stop sharing. So again, I'll put this form in the, in the show notes, but you're getting, you're, you're beginning to see whether you like it or not, what this requires. Underneath all of this, it requires a decision on your part. Who do I want to be? Am I someone who is chemsex-free, or am I somebody who is chemsex-free with some caveats here and there? Am I somebody who is willing To do what it takes. Because with chemsex, as you've heard people like Mel McCracken from No Matter What say, this phone is paraphernalia. It might as well be a pipe or a needle. That phone is the end-all be-all of chemsex relapse and chemsex recovery. So you want to put in all these safeguards and communicate and be honest, open, and transparent. But most of all, who do you want to show up as? What is it that you want and why? Why do I wanna come home from vacation and not use and return to my life? Why? Is it because it's— is it from the head in terms of, this is what I'm supposed to do. I'm not supposed to use meth. It's not, you know, all of those things. Like, it's, of course I'm not supposed to do this. That's not good enough. It has to be dropped down into the heart. Where does it lie in your identity? Am I someone who is willing To do what it takes? Am I someone whose identity lines up with someone who is chemsex-free? And if I am, I'm going to fall in line with this whole plan without question. And I'm gonna do everything it says to do. And I'm going to— I am going to surrender to the process. Because this is what it takes and I want it. This is not me anymore. Meth is not a part of my identity and my life. And now my behaviors are going to align with my desire. And that's what this helps you do. It helps you practice what it takes and then you do it One more time, and then you do it again, and then you do it again when it's just all natural. It's something you enjoy. You know it's something that you have to do. And then eventually, you just live. What would it be like? What would it be like to stop fucking talking about meth for a day, for a vacation? To stop thinking about all the ways I don't want to use and do I want to use and— Just let's just accept it. This is what it takes. I'm gonna return home safe, proud, at peace, hydrated, food in my body. My skin looks good. I return to work and people are like, wow, that vacation did you a lot of good. Usually you come in here dragging. That's because I've been on a binge for the last 48 hours. So I hope this helps. This is the practical stuff that I don't— I'm hoping this helps you as a podcast episode. And I'm going to start going through some more of these because there's also Chemsex-free event planning. So you wanna still go, if you wanna still go join your friends at the club or at Pride or birthday parties or whatever, but you don't wanna use and you usually use there, there's a plan for that. There's a plan for your danger zone. If your danger zone is every weekend, let's make a plan. Listen, Proactivity is the key here. In my program, there's 3 pillars: consistency, proactivity, and certainty. You have to have all 3, but proactivity is so important. You have to think ahead of the subconscious and be proactive and align yourself with boundaries so you don't have the option to use, you don't have open windows. 'Cause in early recovery, then it's just left to you and your free will and your willpower and your self-control. And that is a finite resource, especially at night when it's the most important. All right, I'm going on and on now, but I hope this helps you. And let me know if it does. If you wanna join in the conversation, you can comment on YouTube, you can comment on Spotify. I'd love to hear from you, or you can DM me on any social media platform. All right.