EP 3:46 Chemsex Recovery: You Already Want it Enough
In this solo episode of the Aftermath Podcast, host Dallas Bragg explores chemsex—a pattern of sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men—by sharing personal coaching experiences, research insights, and concrete recovery tactics. He begins with a case study of a “flight‑risk” client who would buy a cheap phone to access drug‑related apps, illustrating early challenges in chemsex recovery. Bragg then reframes the central recovery question from “how badly do you want to stop?” to “how willing are you to do what it takes?” He explains that wanting is a fleeting emotional state, while willingness is a deliberate, action‑oriented commitment that incurs cost. Drawing on motivational interviewing literature, he notes the intention‑behavior gap (≈28% of intention predicts action) and distinguishes preparatory talk (desire, ability, reasons) from commitment activation (actual steps). Practical strategies are presented: removing or locking phones, using lockboxes, monitoring, and crafting pre‑written if‑then plans to interrupt cravings. Bragg also addresses the emotional grief of losing a social and sexual identity tied to chemsex, emphasizing that willingness involves enduring loss, monitoring, and sustained behavioral change rather than momentary desire. He concludes that recovery hinges on taking concrete actions, not merely wanting change, and invites listeners to share feedback.
Chapters
Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. In this solo episode, Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link will be in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it into the ears and eyes of those who need it. I say the same thing every week. You think I would have it down pat, but I don't. Anyway, so talking today, this has actually been one of my One of my favorite, uh, podcasts I put together and, and study guide. The study guide is basically, sometimes it's going to be word for word what I say. Sometimes it isn't. Um, just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. But, uh, take a look at it anyway. One of the first clients that I had was what I called a flight risk. That's what I call some of my clients now. They're the ones that have to be monitored constantly because they're always looking for a little slight opening to use, right? They're just here once, one day, gone the next minute. It's almost like I think of like this indoor cat, you know, watching the door to be left open just a little longer than normal and it darts out, right? That's very two different analogies, but you get the point, I hope. Anyway, this guy, this was early on and I didn't have a program at all. It was just me and him, you know, but he would get a craving. Mm-hmm. late at night and knowing his phone was locked down, so he couldn't access Grindr or any of the other drug dealing apps, he would journey to Walmart to buy a TracFone or tablet, and you know the rest. So the situation really tested me early on because it felt like he literally needed to be handcuffed and kept in a padded room every night. But here's the thing is, I didn't know at that time that that was very common in early chemsex recovery. I didn't personally face that because I was in drug court and I was being drug tested 3 or 4 times a week. So I basically had to be, you know, no matter what I was feeling at night, like it was either stay put, stay my ass put in bed or go to prison. So the option, the choices were pretty easy for me. But, you know, this is all tied to that midbrain, that euphoric recall. The prefrontal cortex shuts down, like when we're tired or we're hungry or we're horny. The midbrain takes over and it wants that dopamine. So we are then sleepwalking. We're sleepwalking our way to the chem party. You know, sleepwalk our way to Walmart. We're there. I didn't have a lot of compassion for him, to be honest with you. And it's a learning experience for me and probably him. But I remember back then and thinking, and I've said it to him and I've said it more recently. If you are going through all of that, if you're getting in your car and going to Walmart, you don't want it bad enough. And I even, I think that I said that on a podcast here. It was, I think, the one where Bobby and I were talking about the pitfalls, chemsex recovery pitfalls. I did say that. Which, look, it's horribly, it can be horribly shaming to say that and counterintuitive to what I'm trying to To do here. And it's not really becoming of a coach. And look, in some cases it is actually true. There are sometimes I've said it when I don't regret it and it can be true at times, but still nothing— saying that to a client is not going to help. I get that now. So, but what I've come to realize and how I approach this now with clients is less about how bad they want to be meth-free And more about how willing they are to do what it takes to be meth-free. Those are very different approaches. Because there's one thing I do know, and that is that given the world we live in today, the ease of access to meth, mephedrone, GHB, one must be willing to do the hard work, the difficult work, the uncomfortable work. It does not come free. How bad you want to get rid of the substance is actually irrelevant because how bad you want to stop fluctuates. How willing are you to do what it takes? And that's what we're going to go over today. All right. So more often than not in my program, my clients come to me, they are high-functioning and they're often affluent gay men, at least affluent enough to pay for a coaching program. They still have a job. They're still holding everything together. Often they've tried many other routes to becoming meth-free, and often they've heard what I'm going to tell them first from the other places, but they're really hoping I'm gonna say something different than the treatment centers and the counselors and the therapists. But listen, whether my program is different, if it's shame-free, empowering individual, all of that, the fact remains, the damn phone must be dealt with, full stop. No matter what route you take, the phone must be dealt with. But that's not what we're talking about today. So, but my client, a lot of clients will say, well, I can't delete the apps. I can't change my phone number. He can't stop talking to this one guy. You know, he says, well, the group time doesn't work for me. The accountability feels like a lot here. I don't wanna be monitored this much. The group chat's overwhelming. I'm gonna start the practice maybe next week when it, when I have more time or I feel better. Look, the instant urge in me is to say, look, buddy, how bad do you want this? And I used to say that actually. And sometimes, again, sometimes it works, sometimes it didn't work. It doesn't matter cuz it wasn't really the, the, the best approach. But I, and I was not trying to shame him or anyone. I wanna be clear about that. I was trying to reconnect him with his reason, with his why. I wanted him to remember the version of himself who called me the first time, who, when we met in our sales call and he was desperate to change, right? The one who was done and the one who really meant it. And sometimes when I said, how bad you want it? It would, it would work temporarily. He would begin to nod. He would look down and get quiet. You know, sometimes he'd tear up. He'd leave the conversation with this like new resolve. 2 weeks later, we'd be having the same conversation. I've had that same conversation hundreds of times. Hell, I've had it with myself. How bad do you want this? Right? I have been asking the wrong question. And you might be asking the wrong question too. Everybody wants it. Look, nobody comes to me, and you're not listening to this because you want to keep using, unless you want to taper off or manage your use. But the ultimate goal is abstinence, right? Not one man in my program not ever says, I just want to keep using, right? He wants to stop. The man, and listen, the man who relapsed on Saturday wanted out. Just as badly as the man who didn't. There's no difference in the wanting to stop. Neither was less motivated. Neither was less sincere. Okay? But one was willing to do what it takes. So think about your own 4:00 AM, right? The promise you made to yourself while you were still coming down, that apology text you sent, 6:00 AM, and you meant it with your whole chest. The prayer that nobody heard, the vow you made while your jaw's still clenched, your tongue's still raw and sore, that this was going to be the last one. I am done. I want it so bad. Tomorrow's going to be different. All of that is wanting, and it is real, and it is sincere. You are not lying. And it changed virtually nothing. Often every man I work with has an unlimited supply of want. The desire is not the question. That desire is really just the beginning. What was actually missing here is like, look at this, wanting and willingness are 2 different systems. And we use the words pretty interchangeably, but wanting lives in the future, in this vague place where emotions live. They come, they go, they're strong, they're weak. Willingness lives in the next 10 minutes of action. Wanting costs you nothing, but willingness costs you something. Every time. Again, you can't get meth-free for free. It's going to cost you something. Wanting is a feeling that arrives all on its own. Willingness is a behavior that you produce on purpose through your action. So here's some clinical Backdrop here, and then I'll, I'll, I'll leave it. There's a whole body of research in motivational interviewing that's gonna separate what a person says into 2 buckets. The first bucket, desire, ability, reasons like need. I want to, I could, I should, I have to. That's, that's all in the head. These are all the, the cognitive reasons why. Researchers, they're gonna call that preparatory talk, right? But the second bucket is commitment activation. It's taking actual steps. I will, I am, I did. You can live in that first bucket for a decade. I know I should, but am I doing it? Across hundreds of studies, how badly a person intends to do something explains about 28% Of whether they actually do it and follow through. That's called the intention-behavior gap, right? This is very close to the discussion we have about knowing and doing. So 28%, which means about 3 quarters of your recovery is happening somewhere other than your wanting. Wanting only gets you partway. The gap is where many of you live, and that's where I live in some aspects of my life. Willingness is not wanting. You can be completely willing to do something and you have no desire to do it. Most of the important things are like that. I don't have a desire to put away my pornography or my whatever, but I'm willing to do it. Willingness is not conditional. I'll do it when it gets easier. That's not willingness. That's negotiation. That's that negotiation stage of the grieving process we've talked about. Willingness is not trying. Trying is a word that you reach for when you've already decided the outcome is not even Your responsibility, or it may or may not happen. Like I'm trying to quit. Willingness is not a feeling. Willingness is an action. What unwillingness, unwillingness sounds like. Now listen, one of my guys, so six weeks in, I guess probably doing well. He tells me he's ready. He's serious this time. He wants his life back. So ask him about the apps. I couldn't find that in your Apple Music library. Yeah, I deleted Grindr. Ask me to play a radio station. Or ask for your mute. Okay. What else is on your phone? Pause. I mean, Sniffies is on there, but that's not the same thing. Okay. Tell me how it's different. Longer pause. It's just like browsing. Okay. Here's the thing. He's not lying, right? He was not being defiant. He was not in denial all the way. He wanted out with his whole body. And I could see it, but he was doing something more, more human than that. He was negotiating, negotiating the price, what it's gonna cost him to get to where he wants to go. That is unwillingness. That's what unwillingness really sounds like. It almost never sounds like refusal. It sounds like a man agreeing to the goal, and then he quietly starts amending The terms, right? Well, I ask my guys, are you chemsex-free or are you chemsex-free with some caveats? I'm gonna keep that number around just in case, right? I'll stop using, but I'm keeping the apps. I'll delete the apps, but I'm keeping his number. I'll go to a group, but not that group. I'll do the work, but not the part that's hard. What are you willing to lose? To gain a new life. Listen, here's what I love about this reframe and why I'm never asking, how bad do you want it again? You cannot feel your way to an answer on willingness. If you sit down and ask yourself, am I willing? You're going to get a yes every time because the part of you that answers that question is the part that wants it. And the part is enormous and it's loud and it's completely sincere. You want it bad. But willingness is only ever visible in the rearview mirror, what you've been willing to do. So don't ask, look, look around. What have you done? The apps are on your phone or they're not. His number is in your contacts or it is not. You made the call or you didn't. You told the person the truth this week or you kept it. You had a thought to use and you shared it or you didn't share it. None of that is a character verdict for you. It's just information. And this is the most useful information you're going to have and what will move you along in your recovery. Okay? The hardest part of willingness lives in the life in recovery. In your life after you've quit. Being willing to be the one who has to leave early. Being willing to stop getting invited to certain places. Being willing to sit in a room where everybody else can do the thing you can't do anymore. Being willing to have a sexual life that looks nothing like the one you had for a while without knowing what it's going to look like on the other side. Being willing to lock the phone up in a lockbox at night or surrender it to somebody, being willing to surrender your keys at night, being willing to be monitored and have friends stay over to ensure you don't go out on your danger zone weekends. All of that is going to come with some grief. That is not weakness, and it's not being dramatic. You are being asked to bury a version of yourself, a social world, and a whole sexual template, and to do it before a replacement has shown up. You are in that middle spot. Anybody is going to flinch at that because it feels like you're taking a risk. You're getting rid of part of yourself, hoping That life in recovery is better. That's a lot. And for a lot of us, that chemsex scene was the first place we ever felt wanted, the first room where we walked in and nobody looked away. Losing this is a genuine loss. And most recovery advice bounces off men like us. Because it won't say that out loud. It won't allow you to admit it. So we're saying it here. You are not being asked to be willing to live with less or deprive yourself of joy. You're being asked to be willing to live without it long enough for something else to arrive. I know that's a lot to ask. On faith. I asked it of myself, and it was hard to believe during that time, but it arrived. It arrived for me, and it'll arrive for you. But don't try to summon it at 3:00 AM, 'cause willingness moves, right? It's a state. You do not have a fixed amount of it. At certain times. Nobody is willing at 3:00 AM with a text on the screen and the whole system activated because your midbrain is running the show. Your prefrontal cortex has gone offline and you're on autopilot. So expecting to generate willingness in that moment is like expecting to learn to swim during a flood, right? Which means it has to be decided in advance. So it's very simple if you wanna do an if-then. If he texts, then I do the specific thing. That's where the willingness comes in, the action. If I open the app, then I call this specific person. Some kind of pre-decided, written down, put somewhere you'll actually see it. So it doesn't have to be manufactured in the worst 10 minutes of your work week. You wanna practice it. You wanna practice doing the if-then. And that becomes a 1% interruption in the pattern. And it is not the whole recovery. It's the part that survives contact with the craving. And honestly, that's the only part that's really mattered here. So here's where we're landing. You don't need to want it more. You need to take the damn action. I hope that helps. Uh, let me know what you think in the comments. I'd love to hear from you, and I will see you next week.
