EP 3:52 Chemsex Recovery: You Decide Your Day One

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of The Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.

All right, welcome back to The Aftermath Podcast. In this solo Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link is in, guess what, the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.

All right.

So in order to comply with recovery culture and make it easier for everybody to understand, I use August 4th, 2018 as the first day of my chemsex recovery. But guess what? It is not. My recovery began the morning the sun's rays blinded me through the hotel curtain. You may have heard this story. Why the curtains weren't duct taped down to the wall must have been an oversight by somebody. I was lying naked on the bed between 2 other naked guys, and we were scrolling Grindr. The night before, it was full of searching for more guys, There were some attempts at sex and there had been a huge fight because I felt left out. So I had planted myself in the middle of them. So it, it, that morning it was like the sun's hand had reached into that Red Roof Inn just to get my attention. And I remember I laid my head back on the headboard, dropped the phone to my lap, and I just stared out through the opening in that curtain. Outside, all the normies were rising for their workday. Tears started welling up in my eyes, and a voice inside fought its way through all the static and all the spiraling emotions and said, I'm done. That, that morning is when my recovery journey began. Began. I was ready to act. My intent became visible, visceral in my body, aligned with my soul, because I knew in my heart that this was not the life for me. So yes, I did use many times after that night, but every single time the experience worsened. They became less enjoyable. And I became more and more disconnected with chemsex. That's called the preparation stage of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente's 5 stages of change model. You may have heard this, especially if you've been in treatment. Back in the late '70s, these 2 researchers wanted to know why some people change and why some people don't. And they found that it isn't a switch, it's a sequence. People move through 5 predictable stages on their way out of a behavior. And they move through them typically in order. I don't know about that. I think it probably goes back and forth. Every treatment center I know of hands you this model and they use it. I've heard therapists refer to it. Counselors talk about it. I believe this model is very valuable for us to understand our recovery process. And I also believe there's a stage missing. So today I'm going to introduce what I call Stage 4.5, the becoming. And if you are continuing to go back to Chemsex and you feel hopeless or overwhelmed, I believe this information will help you recalibrate. And break free from what the recovery industry defines as your day one. So here is a brief summary of these 5 stages if you're not familiar with them. Number 1 is precontemplation. You're not thinking about change yet. Often you don't see that the behavior as a problem. If somebody brings it up, you have a reason ready why it's not a problem. You're fine. It's a phase. You can stop whenever you want. It's not like you're one of those people, right? This is the stage where the people who love you can see the need to change, but you can't. Number 2, contemplation. Now you know. You're aware that there's a problem and you're thinking about changing, but you're stuck in the ambivalence. You want to stop and you don't wanna stop. And often in the same hour, sometimes in the same sentence. This is the longest stage for some, for most people, right? Years for some. The knowing without the moving, right? That stays in this kind of torturous place. Number 3 is the preparation stage. You're getting ready to act, and this is where the intent becomes visible. You're making a plan. You're telling somebody. You're taking small steps. Even saying no to the dealer's offer once in a while. The appointment with a therapist gets made. Sponsor's number gets saved. Maybe you do go to a meeting. You clean out a drawer. That's where I was that morning. Number 4 is the action. This is the real visible change. You're doing it. This stage takes the most effort of any of them. Right? And it also carries the highest risk of slipping back. You would think that doing would be easier than thinking, but it isn't. The doing is the hard part because now you are facing all the shit you've been avoiding for years, the stuff that pushed you into Chemsex in the first place. Number 5, the last stage of change, is maintenance. You've sustained it for 6 months or more. The work is shifting. Your emotions are leveling out. Your relationships are enriched. You're finding joy in your life. This is where it becomes something other than effort. This is where it becomes natural, and this is where the new life feels real and it feels attainable. Now, there's a hole in that list, in my opinion. So look at it again. Stage 4 is action. Stage 5 is maintenance.

Mm-hmm.

And maintenance starts at 6 months. So what is the name of the thing between them? There isn't one. The model jumps from doing it to having done it. And the space in between is where most men I've ever coached, probably if you're listening to this, is at. And most men have nearly lost their recovery. Because they're in this stage and they don't know it. You're not in the action anymore, not the way you were in week 1, but you're not in maintenance 'cause you're still relapsing. And 6 months is a number that feels way out of reach. You're in this gap, that liminal stage that I call buffering, where you aren't who you were, but you're not who you are. Because so many systems out there, recovery systems, try to force you to jump to abstinence. So you feel stuck where you are. And this is where the shame of starting at zero every time you use holds you back. Nothing is wrong with you. You're in a stage, stage 4.5. It just doesn't, it doesn't have a number. Now it does. I'm giving it one. So I gave it a number. I gave it a name. It's called the becoming. I call it the becoming and I call it 4.5. It's a bridge between action and maintenance. And this is where most of you are. And because it doesn't have a name, you feel lost. You feel like you don't belong in any of the stages of change. You don't have a name for it. So here's what defines this stage. You're taking action and you are still using. Both things are true at once. The new patterns aren't automatic yet, so you're kind of building them by hand every single day. And sometimes the old pattern wins the fight, right? Wins the day. I don't wanna say fight. You are relying on willpower. Willpower and self-control will wax and wane depending on so many factors. You cannot rely on how you feel in this stage. You cannot rely on how much you want to stop. Some days you will want it and some days you will not. And the days you don't are the days the old patterns will come back. You're also facing a plateau in this stage, a leveling out. You become disenchanted with recovery techniques, with meetings. With journaling. You aren't seeing the immediate results of your work. So you succumb to the shame and the self-loathing of how the world frames a relapse. So you're in that stage, stuck. Why I named it becoming is because you haven't become the person who doesn't use meth yet. And I don't mean that as an insult. Or a putdown. I mean, literally, you're a version of you on the other side of this. There's a version of you on the other side of this who isn't resisting anything, who is your true self. That version doesn't use because using isn't even an option for him anymore. He's in that— he's past the maintenance stage, right? It's not a decision that he has to make every day. It's actually not a decision he makes at all. You're not him yet. You are still in the process of turning into him, of becoming him. So you're not at 5 and you're not at 4. You are in iteration, which is an— could be another name for this stage. And the thing about iteration is that you have to repeat, repeat, repeat. For it to work. You— iteration means you make modifications and you repeat, which changes what a relapse means, right? You're oscillating. You're moving between the old pattern and the new pattern, and your brain is just beginning to change, right? New pathways are beginning to be worn in, but they're not there yet. So when a slip happens, it is literally information in the form of—

A slip.

Contrast. Contrast. In other words, you get to see what you don't want when you use, which will encourage you and stimulate you and activate you to get what you do want. Like I said, a lot of times, sometimes you have to use to learn how not to use, but you have to separate your emotions in this stage and Grab onto the faith that every day you are closer to the man you're becoming regardless of the evidence to the contrary. Even though relapse is not evidence to the contrary, it's going to be hard for you not to think that. You have to know, I am becoming the man who doesn't use, even if you just Relapsed. In this stage, you have to ignore anything other than evidence that you are becoming the man you want to be, the wins. This is the mantra of this stage. This is something I do until it's something I am. This is something I do Until it's something I am. So what's going to carry you across 4.5 to 5? A visceral vision. I'm not talking about setting goals. A vision is a blueprint for your life. This is a picture of who you are becoming, specific enough that you can feel it in your body. What is the person who does not use chemsex like? Who is he? What is his state of consciousness? How does he wake up? Who's in his life? For me, it was sitting at a table with my kids without the next hookup running in the back of my mind, being fully present. I could hear our conversation, taste our dinner, feel the gratitude as I looked at their faces. That Picture carried me through some very bad nights, asking myself, are you your past self or are you your future self? Sometimes I chose my past self. Write your vision down in full detail. Use the 5 senses and come into contact with that future self. In my program, we call this the prophetic vision. What else carries you through? Your why. Why do you want to stop? Is the reason held up in your reasoning? In other words, is it because chemsex is bad? Is it because you may lose your job? Is it because your partner might leave you? Is it because your friends will disown you? Your health, money, legal trouble— those reasons will not carry you through long-term sustainable Recovery. When your why drops from the head into the heart space, you can connect with a vision strong enough to carry you through that 2 AM pull to go use. A heart-led why is about identity. It may sound something like, I am a person who lives meth-free in a state of self-love aligned with my values, That's why I'm stopping, or I am becoming the best and highest version of myself. Those reasons are about you, who you fundamentally are in the core of your soul. Those types of whys dig deep and fundamentally alter how you think, how you speak, and how you act. So what does this look like in this stage? You stay honest about the oscillation of where you are instead of pretending that you're all good and that you have made it to the maintenance stage. Fully admitting when you don't feel ready to stop is part of this stage. It's honesty. It's transparency. Radical honesty is going to set you free, and you use the slips as data instead of proof of your failure. You are going to ignore any evidence contrary to your becoming so you don't invest energy in perceived failures. Nothing is a failure in this stage. Every single thing that occurs is happening for you to come out on the other side the man who doesn't partake in chemsex. No question. Next, you decide on a daily anchor, one consistent daily action that brings you back out of autopilot and reminds yourself of your journey. That daily anchor might be reading your vision and taking time to imagine it coming true. Any daily action, anything that creates an activation in your emotions. You want to deeply feel what it is like to be that man. Remind yourself every day, regardless of how you feel and what's happening around you, you do the daily action. You do until you are over and over and over. You stop waiting to feel ready because readiness isn't a feeling you wait for. It's an action. It's something you build one anchored day at a time. And you hold on to the fact That the timeline for this stage is never prescribed by you or by anybody else. You give yourself grace, patience, mercy, and you cling to every win, no matter how tiny, every day. So where are you? Did you see yourself in this? Are you in stage 4.5? Are you becoming? I want you to keep pushing. I want you to create your vision. I want you to adopt a consistent action every day. Repeat, repeat, repeat, regardless of relapse, regardless of how you feel. Just take the next action. Separate yourself from your emotions here. Zoom out. See the long game here. See the stages and be okay with where you are. You do until you are. You are still becoming. So I've created a little document to demonstrate these stages. I want to share it real quick here, and I'll put the link in the show notes— or not in the show notes, in the study guide. So I've listed the stages: pre-contemplation, Contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. And in there, I've inserted the becoming. You're taking action, but you may still be relapsing. The new patterns aren't automatic yet. That's okay. You cannot rely on willpower, self-control, how you feel, or how bad you want it. What carries you across is daily Anchoring, the consistent thing you do whether or not you're in the mood. Something you do until it's something you are. Something you do until it's something you are, powered by a prophetic vision and your why.

Why?

Not why do you wanna stop using, but why are you the person who stops using? And then at the bottom, something I do until it's something I am. Okay, let me figure out how to stop sharing that. All right, so I hope this helps. You can, you can download this document. Feel free to save it, print it, believe it.

I believe in you.

Now it's time. For you to believe in you. And if somebody tells you what your day 1 should be, fuck them. Somebody tells you that you need to move on from 4.5 to 5, fuck them. You are the executive of your recovery. You're in the right place at the right time. There's no better place to be Than where you are right now. There's no better person to be than who you are right now. Settle into that. Only see the wins, ignore the haters, and know you are on your way out. Hope this helps, and I'll see you next week.