EP 3:6 When You Get the Fuck-It’s in Chemsex Recovery

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use Welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and this solo episode.

Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link will be in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and the eyes of those who need it. All right, so you've been holding it together, you've been doing the work, you've been showing up, and then one day out of nowhere, Something in you just flips and everything you've been building disappears in an instant. Maybe it was a conversation that didn't go the way you'd hoped. Maybe it was bad news about a job. Maybe it was a promotion at work, a good thing, or a recovery milestone. Maybe it was a fight with a family member or just too many days of holding it all together without anywhere to put it down.

And then Fuck it.

Everything you've built, the tools, the awareness, the commitment, gone. Not because you didn't care, not because recovery doesn't matter to you, but because the pressure had been building quietly without release. And the only exit valve your nervous system could find was surrender. This is what we call the fuck-its, and they're more predictable than you think. 'Cause I hear this excuse all the time. I just said fuck it. It was out of nowhere. It is never out of nowhere. Here's what I want you to understand before we go on any further. The fuck-its also are not a character flaw. They are not proof that you're broken, that this doesn't work for you, or that you're destined to stay stuck. They are a nervous system event, a physiological response to accumulated emotional pressure. That never found a release. And because it's physiological, it's also preventable if you know what to look for and when to act. And you've heard me say this before, Chemsex recovery is about proactivity. So let's talk about this pressure cooker. Think about your emotional life as a pressure cooker. You don't know what a pressure cooker is? Then you ain't from the country like me. My mama had a pressure cooker, and what— that's what you use to can food. You put, you know, the raw vegetables or whatever in the jars and you put the seals on, you put 'em in the pressure cooker. And I don't know what happens in there, but it pressurizes it. But at the top is a valve where the steam comes out. Anyway, every emotional activation, every stressor, every trigger, even moments of joy or grief or rage or disappointment. Emotion is emotion. There's no positive, there's no negative. It's all energy. But all these emotions can add heat, and you add enough heat without the release valve and the system eventually fails. So what makes this so tricky is that most of us were never taught how to maintain that release valve or even monitor it. We're just taught how to manage emotions or contain emotions or avoid emotions. Try to fix them as fast as possible, right? To keep it together. So instead of letting small amounts of pressure out consistently, we hold it, compress it, rationalize it until something cracks. Research on relapse tells us that by the time somebody physically uses, the decision was already made weeks or even months earlier. Not consciously, neurologically. That process begins with what clinicians call emotional relapse. That's the stage where you're not actively thinking about using, but your emotions and behaviors are quietly setting up the conditions for it. Maybe you're isolating more. Maybe you're not reaching out. You're dismissing small activations as not a big deal. When things are going really well, you can still isolate. Nothing though, at the time is obviously wrong, but in the background, the pressure is building. And from there it moves into mental relapse. That's where the bargaining begins. That's where the euphoric recall can be found. Maybe just once, maybe I've earned it. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. All the bullshit we tell ourselves, the fantasizing, the planning, the romanticizing, and finally physical relapse. The fuck-its made manifest. Here's what matters most. Intervention works best at that emotional stage before the momentum builds. 'Cause once that train starts moving, it gets harder and harder to stop. The goal isn't to be heroic when you're already in that mental relapse. The goal is to notice the heat rising and open the valve before that whole system tips and you're headed to physical relapse. So I created, it's a very simple model. I created a model and to help explain this process, I'm going to share it here on the screen. If you're not, if you're not watching, then I'm sorry. Check out the YouTube video or the video on Spotify, or I will explain this in the best way that I can. So the outer circle, emotional relapse. Again, You have to think about this in terms of positive or negative. Something really good can be an emotional relapse. It's an emotion. So what you're doing here in recovery is you're being very aware, a compassionate observer. Am I over the moon right now? Am I, or am I really upset right now? You need to notice it. Anything can be an emotional relapse. That moves into the mental relapse. Again, euphoric recall. That's when you start thinking about it. Anytime you're making a plan or thinking about using, you've crossed into that inner, that more inner circle, the mental relapse. And then it goes into another inner circle. That's where we have the free will, exerting your free will. You make the decision, nobody else, not a higher power. You use free will and you can say, fuck it, or you can say, face it. The fuck-its are gonna get you to the innermost circle, which is physical relapse. Face it is facing the uncomfortableness, facing the emotions, facing that hard time when your body wants to use so badly, a chemsex craving possesses you. Facing it, leaning into it, feeling it. Feeling... is healing. Remember that. And so in this model, also down below, you have 4 tactics for this, and I'm going to go over them in just a second. Let me not share my screen for a minute and get moving here. All right. So again, facing it means leaning into the tension, the anxiety, the uncomfortable feelings, the intensity of the moment. And doing nothing but feeling it fully. Again, feeling is healing. All right? The coping mechanisms at the bottom are gonna be explained now.

All right?

So let's look at 'em. So first though, I wanna make sure that we understand that positive activation is still emotional activation. We tend to think about triggers as dark things, hard things. The argument with the family member, right? The rejection. The shame spiral, the loneliness, but the fuck-its can come just as easily from what's going right. Hear this, a milestone in your recovery, a promotion at work, things finally clicking into place, life opening up in ways you've been hoping for. These moments activate the dopamine reward circuits in your brain, the same circuits that addiction rewired. So this celebration impulse, the urge to mark the moment, I've been so good, I deserve this. It hits those same pathways. The neurochemistry doesn't distinguish between good news and bad news. It just responds to activation. So this means your nervous system needs tending to. Whether you're in crisis or you're in celebration, take note. Whether you're breaking down or you're leveling up, Or everything is flat. Take note of all of it. Okay, so here are 4 strategies for you to stop that train before it leaves that emotional relapse circle. All right, 4 ways to get ahead of it. One, notice everything and tell somebody. The first line of defense is awareness without dismissal. And I want to emphasize that second part because we are remarkably good at talking Talking ourselves out of our own experience. Road rage. Don't dismiss it. A spike of anxiety watching the news. Irritability after a phone call with your mama. An electric, giddy feeling after landing a big win at work. All of it counts. Nothing is too small to notice. Every emotional activation, positive or negative. Or negative is information your nervous system is giving you, and it all connects to the same pressure system. The moment you notice activation, your job is very simple. Very simple. Tell somebody. Text your coach, message your group, call a friend, tell your sponsor. This is not just emotional support here. This is neurochemistry as well. Research shows That genuine social connection triggers the release of oxytocin, a neuropeptide that directly counters the stress response and has been shown to reduce craving and drug-seeking behavior in recovery. That connection, connection doesn't just feel good. It biochemically interrupts the pressure before it compounds. So don't sit with it alone. All right, number 2, write it down. Journaling is one of the most underestimated tools in recovery, and the research behind it shows. When you put your feelings into words on paper, your brain does something very specific. It activates the prefrontal cortex, that part responsible for reasoning, the executive of the brain, right? Decision-making, emotion regulation. While Simultaneously calming that amygdala, which is your brain's alarm system. So in simple terms, writing shifts your experience from your reactive brain into your thinking brain. It's not a metaphor. This is, that's what happens in your nervous system when you journal. There's also research by Dr. James Pennebaker, and it shows that people who engage in expressive writing experience reduced anxiety, Lower cortisol levels, the stress hormone, improved immune function, immune function, and stronger emotional resilience. Your journal is not just a diary. Dear diary. It's a pressure release valve. And most of all, a pattern tracker. Over time, you'll see exactly the set of dominoes that fell. To lead you to physical relapse. And it, I guarantee you, it started days, weeks before. And I guarantee you, you won't be able to remember unless you write it down. Number 3, deploy a restorative practice that same day. Every person listening to this has something that restores their energy. Maybe it's movement, maybe it's nature, Maybe it's your, I don't know, a favorite TV show or something, music. Maybe it is time in solitude. Maybe that does restore you. I don't know. Maybe it's creative work, a long shower, whatever it is for you, it needs to be identified before you need it, planned for and deployed strategically. Again, proactive. You wanna deploy a restorative practice the same day you feel activated, even when something goes really good. You get a promotion at work, you balance that out by a walk. Notice how you're feeling. Notice in your body what's happening in your brain. What are you thinking about? So you do this not the next day, Not after the weekend, that day, as soon as possible. Here's why the timing matters. Your nervous system doesn't reset on a delay. When activation goes unaddressed, it begins to compound. It builds dominoes, right? One day of held tension becomes 2, becomes a week, becomes a baseline level of dysregulation. You've stopped noticing. Because it feels normal, but now it is affecting and filtering everything in your life and how you respond to it. So the restorative practice, you wanna deploy it the same day, keeps your system balanced. It lets out that pressure before it can accumulate. And there's probably deeper, probably there is, there's deeper science here too. Research has found, 'cause a lot of you are interested in the science, so research has found. That aerobic exercise can help normalize dopamine signaling that has been disrupted by substance use. That's why we want to go to the gym. That's why we want to take a walk. That's why we want to run. Your body's natural movement and restoration, that's not just, I'm exerting self-care. It's a neurological reset. It resets that same reward circuitry. That meth hijacks or whatever drug you're on. So know your restorative practice. Use it the same day every time. Lastly, number 4, vagal breathing to regulate your nervous system. Your vagus nerve runs from your brainstem through your heart, lungs, and gut, and it is your body's most direct pathway To calm. When you breathe slowly, a longer exhale than inhale, you stimulate this nerve and you signal your parasympathetic nervous system. That's what your body— that's the rest and digest, right? When you do this breathing, it activates that. Research consistently shows that slow diaphragmatic breathing with extended exhalation activates the vagus nerve, reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, lowers your heart rate, very important here, and shifts the body out of this fight or flight mode. And fight or flight can be very subtle. Studies also show that conscious breathing practices help Regulate your dopamine as well. Breathing, the breath, breathwork, stopping to breathe, it can regulate the dopamine imbalance in your brain and it balances those reward circuits rather than letting them spike in whatever direction. Whether you're crashing from stress or riding high from a win, the practice is very simple. For vagal breathing, you inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 6 or 8. I prefer 8. Inhale for 4, exhale for 8. Repeat 2 or 5 minutes. Just do it over and over for about 2 minutes up to 5 minutes. That's it. It's a free, it's a free method. We're looking for all these external, like medicines and all these other, like secrets of how to calm ourselves down and how to regulate and how not to relapse. Breath, the breath, it's your life. And breathwork is one of the most evidence-backed tools available to you. So don't just take my word for it. You are not at the mercy of your nervous system here, but we put ourselves in the place of being at the mercy of it. I don't know where this came from. You are running the show here. You are the executive of your own recovery and your body and your choices. And executives prepare before the crisis, not during it, not caught with their pants down. The awareness, the connection, the journaling, the restoration, and the breathing. They are the infrastructure of your recovery and after recovery, a life that doesn't break under pressure either. This is all about life skills. So I want you to start today before the heat rises, or maybe it is rising now. Maybe you're in that inner circle, mental relapse. Maybe you're at that place, fuck it or face it. Face it, but now you have some tools to face it with. Serious about this. We cannot play victim anymore to our subconscious and our, our body is doing what we allow it to do.

Get ahead of it.

Be proactive. Take control. All right. Hope you enjoyed this episode. We will see you next week.