I Rise

So get comfortable where you are. If you're seated, seated, put your feet flat on the floor. Make sure that you're not tensed up. If you listen to the podcast, there was a— the Art and Science of Bottoming. I did a podcast and discovered that I was always tense. I was always doing a Kegel. And since that podcast, I've really dove into that and looked at it. And, you know, there's this hypervigilance that I have, and I'm tensed even when I'm walking. I feel like I have to physically let go. So something to pay attention to, like, where are your muscles tensed? Do a body scan. Start with the toes and the feet and just turn your awareness slowly to the body. And if you feel yourself tensed, make an adjustment. You can also lie down. You can lie down somewhere comfortable if you are. Make adjustments wherever you feel that you are trying to hold a muscle together. Or up. Turn awareness to your jawbone. It's a big one. Sometimes we want to clench our jaws. Those of us that have used crystal sometimes clench our jaws. If you have to, let your mouth open a little bit during the meditation. Pay Turn awareness to your shoulders. Do you need to slouch them a little, make an adjustment? You don't want any tension distracting you during the guided meditation. Just settle in for a minute. Let's just take one deep breath first. We're going to inhale through the nose for about 5 seconds, and then we're going to exhale through the mouth with a sigh. So inhale, put that chest out, expand the lungs. Exhale. Let's let all the stress from the day settle. Watch any thoughts evaporate. Today's meditation was inspired by Me, once I was sitting alone in my room and I was coming down from a binge. We all know how that feels. I had done some things during that binge that were extreme, even for me. So the spiral down was a long one, and you may know that panic attack that comes sometimes—that uncontrollable sobbing, gasping for air—it was one of those come downs. It was one of those desperate times when I cried out. For God to help me, whatever God that was, this God that I had violently turned my back on, disowned, disrespected in my use. But what I prayed for was help or death. And somewhere amidst that spiraling and those emotions, those destructive thoughts, A vision came to my mind's eye. This is a true story. And I saw a sea churning of gray sludge, garbage, slime, nastiness. And in the middle of it, my arms were reaching out. And I could see the silhouette of the top half of my body emerging from the sludge. The sky was full of dark clouds. There's one little sunbeam peeking through, shining on me. I became so emotional, and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. The message I received that day was, "I will rise." I was jobless. I was penniless. Late on my rent, my body was aching, was starving. What even day is it? But somehow, in that moment, that was all the promise I needed as a glimmer of hope. I would rise. And so I rose to my feet and I started cleaning up the garbage and the mess left by the aftermath of that binge. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, one moment of hope. I rose. And eventually I rose out of that quicksand. The urges constantly pulling me down, random text messages, the Grindr conversations, the FOMO, the false promises all pulled me back down. The search for validation, needing connection, feeling invisible— it's like vines wrapping, gripping around my body, pulling me back in. But I rose, and I still rise. And fast forward 9 years to me operating my recovery business, coaching business. I had a designer friend help me with the logo. He went to AI, of course, And he came back with something very close to what I have now. And if you've seen it, he came back with this image of a man with his arms spread to the sky and the sun above him. I looked at it and I got chills, and I remembered, I will rise. They will rise. We will rise. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One moment of hope. There are men out there right now, and maybe you're one of them, stuck in the mud and the muck. Lonely. Hopeless, confused. They need a promise. So let's rise. Let's rise for them. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One moment of hope. We rise right now. Imagine in your mind's eye you and all of our brothers out there all over the world, some in countries where they could die for being gay, they could be exiled for using drugs, stuck in the sludge with seemingly no way out. Now remember when you were there, your last comedown, your last relapse. You rose. You made it to this meditation, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, one moment of hope. Now remember the strength and the desire it took for you to rise, and I want you to conjure that up. Let it pulse. Through the veins of your body right now, and I want you to use that electricity and send it out to all the men right now who need it. Let's send it out to one another. I'm going to inhale through the nose right now. Inhale, feel that electricity, and exhale through the mouth. You rise. Inhale through the nose. Exhale through the mouth. We rise. Now let's together, all who are listening here and all who will listen in the future, all of us lock arms. Lock arms in the longest. Strongest line of men that have ever spanned the world. We all rise to our feet, grounded, firm, like a tree planted by the water. There are men right now smothering, drowning, Frozen, stuck, dying. But they will rise. Now picture us all arms locked, circling the globe, rising up regardless of the state of the world— politics, wars, laws. We rise. We stand. Head held high, no matter the stigma, no matter the ignorance, we're proud. We are sure, and we are empowered. Breathe in, and breathe out. Right now, I want you to see that man sitting in his car. Crying, leaving the party. See that man staring in the bathroom mirror who can't even recognize his own reflection. See that man rubbing his sore arm, remembering how he wounded his own flesh. See that man losing his job, losing his friends, losing his life as he knows it. See the man who can't get out of bed. He doesn't have the strength or the emotional energy. Let's help him rise. Imagine each one of us taking an arm and reaching down to hold his, locking in, anchoring. See each of these men Picking themselves up off the ground, pulling away from the sludge, legs feeble at first but finding their footing. We are feeling the energy of everyone listening to this meditation and who will listen right now. He wants to rise. Grasp his trembling, weak and lifeless arm. You have been there. Help him rise. We rise. We rise. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One moment of hope. He can't do this alone, and we can't We don't do this alone. We rise together. Imagine these men being pulled out of that mud and muck and seeing that one beam of sunshine— you— that one promise. We all rise, and we must rise together. In the world of chemsex, all we have most times is one another. No one else could understand the terror of being stuck in this sludge and feeling no way out. So the next time you feel the urge to pick up the pipe, converse with a partier buddy, escape for the weekend, drown out the voices in your head, remember this vision. And picture it now, a line of men crisscrossing the globe, arms locked, rising up together. And now imagine the sun beaming down and highlighting this line, illuminating the faces. Tears in our eyes. We rise together, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. One moment of hope is all we need. Allow that vision right now to be etched into your consciousness. Pause, pause, and let that image drop into your heart. Feel the shift in your body. And now breathe in, stretch out your chest, and exhale. Breathe in and exhale. We have a job to do. And remember, you don't have to physically pull these men out. The more that you strengthen yourself, the more that you rise up, you're sending out that energy. You're adding to the line of men. Who walked away from this life, who escaped. We have work to do, a lot of work to do, and we can't do it stuck in the sludge. Take a moment and come back into your body. Return to normal breath. And you can begin to come out of the meditation. Open your eyes when you are ready only. Come back in the room.