Dallas Bragg was intentionally given HIV during chemsex and spent years struggling with it. Research on over 1,200 men found five core motivations behind the practice: survivor guilt, belonging, control, eroticization of risk, and depression. Drugs like methamphetamine and GHB suppress empathy and lower inhibitions so severely that choices made under their influence aren't what they seem.
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What's common in chemsex is known as bug chasing or pausing, also known as gift giving. So in my own chemsex experience, I was given HIV on purpose, otherwise known as being paused. I could condemn that guy who did that. I could call him terrible and try to sue him. But instead, let's try to understand the chemical hijacking behind this practice. There was a study of over 1,200 men who identified as bug chasers or gift givers. found that in that study, the majority were not actually seeking to transmit or acquire HIV. They were ambivalent. The behavior is rarer and more complex than any label suggests, I promise. So researchers have identified 5 core motivations: survivor guilt, belonging, a need for control, the erotic— erotization of risk, and in some cases, depression. or suicidal ideation. That's what's underneath those things. That's what's underneath that practice. None of these are about recklessness or being terrible people. They're all about pain. Research from South London and the NIH both confirm that meth, GHB, and methylidrone don't just lower inhibitions. They remove the part of you that was holding that line, the part of you that has empathy. And what looks like intent is often disinhibition. So that distinction matters enormously in recovery in many layers. And whether you were the one chasing or the one giving, the path forward starts with understanding what you were actually reaching for. If you were engaged in these practices and you're carrying that shame right now, I want you to know something. The guy you were, the choices you made, They were happening inside a fog, inside a body that had been chemically altered. That does not erase what happened, but it does mean you're not fundamentally broken. You were wounded, reaching for something. That work is possible. Healing is possible. You are not what happened in that room, whether you were the perpetrator or the victim. Save this for more information, and I hope you'll follow me. And let's all get healed.
