Next Level Amend Making

Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we're talking about that familiar task. If you've been involved in any 12-step program, you'll know, making amends. But I wanna take you deeper into the most impactful benefit of making amends and how it can change your life. If that's interesting to you, keep watching and/or listening. On this channel, you're gonna find lots of resources to help you break free from chemsex and attain your best and highest expression. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermath Podcast here on this channel as well. I drop a long-form video just like this one every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell and subscribe to this channel so you don't miss anything. By the way, if you're interested in my one-on-one coaching, or I have a new group coaching program, All under the title Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly one-on-one sessions, weekly group sessions, and daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months than it does right now. So let me ask you, what if the traditional amends process is just the foundation and there's a whole other level of transformation waiting? Let me start by saying this. If you've done traditional amends work in a 12-step program, that took a lot of courage, Real courage. Making a list of people you've harmed and taking responsibility is not easy. For many people, it's been a crucial part of their healing journey. But I want to talk to you about what comes next. Because here's what I've noticed in my 7 years of recovery and working with gay men trying to break free from crystal meth or chemsex. Traditional amends addresses the what and sometimes the how, but it rarely gets to the why. And it's the why that holds the real power of your transformation. So here's what traditional amends accomplishes and what it misses. So I guess it's the 9th step that asks you to make a list of people you've harmed and make direct amends to them, or indirect, right? The process serves important purposes. It builds accountability and personal responsibility. It helps repair relationships when possible. It creates closure for both parties. It demonstrates changed behavior through action. It helps you face the reality of your impact on others. These are valuable outcomes, but for many people, completing this step brings genuine relief and genuine healing. But here's what I've observed. Traditional amends tends to focus on the extern, the behaviors, the apologies, the outward demonstration of change. What it often misses is the internal transformation that makes lasting recovery possible. You can apologize to everybody on your list and still not understand why you behaved that way in the first place. which directs you to where you want to figure out how you got here. That is the antithesis of your addictive process, your addictive patterns, right? You can make amends for specific actions without discovering the subconscious beliefs that drove those actions. You can repair relationships without healing the wounded places inside yourself that will inevitably create similar conflicts later. Traditional amends asks, What did I do wrong and how can I make it right? Next Level Amends asks, what was happening inside me that made that behavior make sense at the time? And how can I heal that at its root? Both questions matter, but only one leads to the kind of self-knowledge that prevents the patterns from repeating. So let's talk about the mirror principle. This is where everybody in your life reflects something back to you. Here's the psychological truth that's going to change everything for you. Every person in your life acts as a mirror, reflecting something within you back to yourself. When someone triggers you, when their behavior makes you angry, frustrated, disgusted, or hurt, they're not just being difficult. They're showing you an undeveloped or unhealed aspect of yourself. This is something that you have to grasp here. Your strong reaction is a signal. Your psyche's way of saying, "Pay attention! There's something here in this person for you to learn about you." And this works both ways, right? When you admire someone's generosity, you admire their courage or authenticity. That's also a mirror showing you your own potential for those qualities. So here's where it gets really, really revolutionary: is that those conflicts you had while using, those relationships that imploded, those moments when you were at your absolute worst—they weren't evidence of your fundamental. mental brokenness. They weren't. They were mirrors showing you the subconscious beliefs driving your behavior. They're guideposts to help you completely heal, to completely recover. So you go from shame to self-knowledge. It's a little different process. So instead of asking, what did I do wrong and how can I fix it? Try asking, what was this person reflecting back to me about my own unhealed places? All right, so let me walk you through a complete different approach to processing your past. Number 1, You become the observer. If you listen to me at all, you know, you've heard me say this before, not the judge, right? So traditional amends will say, I lied to my partner repeatedly. I am a liar. I betrayed trust. I'm untrustworthy. Okay? The observer approach says, during that relationship, I engaged in deceptive behavior. What was I believing about myself that made lying feel necessary? What need was I trying to meet? What was I afraid would happen if I told the truth? See the difference here? One reinforces a shameful identity. The other opens the door to genuine understanding. Number 2, identify the mirror. When conflicts happen, ask yourself, what specifically triggered my strongest reactions in this person? What quality in them bothered me the most? If I'm brutally honest, do I have that same quality, even if it shows up differently? What was this person trying to tell me about myself that I wasn't ready to hear? So here's an example. Your friend called you out for being unreliable. Instead of just feeling guilty about flaking, ask, where in my life am I not showing up for myself? Where am I not being reliable to me? Where am I abandoning my own commitments, my own needs, my own truth? You see, this goes deeper. Number 3, find the subconscious belief. Every behavior has a belief underneath it. Every pattern has a root. When you were using and causing harm, you were operating from subconscious beliefs you likely didn't even know you held. Some common beliefs that drive destructive behavior: I'm not worthy of genuine love. People will abandon me if they see the real me. I have to be perfect to be acceptable. My needs don't matter. I'm fundamentally broken. The goal isn't to judge these beliefs. It's to see them clearly. You can't change What you can't see. Number 4, compile the learning. This is where the magic happens, right? Instead of creating a shame list of wrongdoings, you're creating a knowledge map of your internal landscape. When I lied to my partner, I was believing that my authentic self wasn't lovable. When I chose Crystal over my friendships, I was believing the chemical connection was safer than emotional vulnerability. When I stole from my family, I was believing I had to take what I needed because asking wouldn't work. This is the self-knowledge that sets you free long-term. This is what breaks addictive patterns, not shame, not apologies, but understanding yourself. Number 5, ask, how was this person a mirror? Every conflict is an opportunity. Every person who triggered you was showing you something about yourself that needed healing. They weren't just obstacles or casualties of your addiction. They were teachers, whether they intended to be or not. The person who called you selfish may Maybe they were mirroring your own inability to prioritize your genuine needs. You're being selfish to yourself. The partner who said you were emotionally unavailable, maybe they were showing you that you, how disconnected you are from your own feelings. The friend who felt betrayed, maybe they were reflecting your betrayal of your own values, your own integrity. These are nuggets, strong, good, deep knowledge nuggets. And this doesn't mean that, that That they were right to treat you poorly or you were right to treat them poorly. This isn't about excusing anybody's behavior. Let's get, let's zoom out, right? It's about using every interaction as information about your internal world. So let's talk about these apologies. Here's the part that's going to piss off some people. You don't owe anybody an apology unless you genuinely feel moved to offer one. So let me be clear. If you feel a genuine pull To repair a relationship, if making amends feels like it would bring closure and healing to both parties, absolutely do it. But do it from a place of inspiration, not obligation. The traditional approach says you're incomplete without making amends, that you can't move forward until you've groveled enough. But I'm saying, do your internal work, understand the beliefs that drove your behavior, heal, Those wounded places. And then from that healed place, if you feel called to reach out, do it. Not because you're trying to prove you're worthy now, but because you genuinely feel inspired in spirit to do it. Some people won't wanna hear from you. Some relationships can't be repaired. Some apologies would cause more harm than good, and that's okay. Your healing doesn't depend on anybody else's forgiveness. So here's the real goal: liberation through self-knowledge. The traditional amends process is designed to make you a better citizen of the recovery community, to show you've humbled yourself properly, to demonstrate that you've accepted your place as a perpetually recovering person who must remain vigilant against their inherent character defects. No, fuck that. The goal isn't to become a well-behaved former addict. The goal is to be— Liberated. The goal is to live free. The goal is to be somebody who is not an addict. The kind of deep self-knowledge that makes relapse impossible because you understand yourself so completely that destructive patterns simply do not align or make sense for you anymore. When you approach your past through the lens of mirror work, you stop reinforcing shame-based identity. You extract wisdom from every experience. You understand the subconscious programming that drove your behavior. You develop genuine compassion for your past self. You break the patterns at their root and you become free. Your new amends process happens this week. I want you to, instead of making a list of people you've harmed, I want you to try something different. Here's some journal prompts. You can choose 2 or 3, and you can find all these journal prompts on my website under blog. If you choose Next Level Amend Making, the same title as the video here, go to www.drdallasbragg.com/blog and you will find all my newsletters. This is part of it. You can find the journal prompts there. Okay? What conflict or relationship wound still carries charge for me? What emotions arise when I think about it? Good question. If I remove the story of who was right and who was wrong, what was the other person actually showing me about myself? This is what What it all comes down to. What subconscious belief was driving my behavior in that situation? What was I really afraid would happen? Where in my current life am I still operating from that same belief? Because just because I apologize for it does not make it go away. How is it showing up now, even without substances? And if I could see my past actions without judgment, purely as data about my internal state at the time, what would I learn? So I want you to really Sit with those questions. In the newsletter, there's actually reflective questions. There's also an actionable exercise, mirror work. So let's talk about the path forward, right? So we're gonna integrate both of these levels. So real transformation is not either or, right? You can do traditional amends and you can go deeper into mirror work. In fact, when you understand the beliefs that drove your behavior, your amends actually become very much more authentic. When you've done the internal work, Your apologies come from a genuine understanding, an inspiration rather than an obligation. Traditional amends help you take responsibility for your actions. Next-level amends help you understand why those actions happened in the first place and ensure the patterns don't repeat. You're not finding your wrongdoings to underscore how terrible you are. You're observing your actions without judgment, with curiosity, without making them mean something about your fundamental worth. To develop the deep understanding that will set you free from addictive patterns forever and elevate your entire existence, that you don't have to be an addict for the rest of your life. Every person who has triggered you was a gift. Every person you triggered was a gift to them. Every conflict was a classroom. Every moment you thought made you unworthy was actually showing you exactly what needed healing. You're worthy enough to have that knowledge. The traditional approach gives you accountability. But this approach, this next-level approach, gives you liberation. And together, they give you transformation, change, movement forward. That's the real next-level amends. Not replacing the external work of repair, but adding the internal work of root-level healing. Living from that place so completely that your very existence becomes the ongoing amends, the healing, the transformation. Your presence as your highest self is more powerful than a 1,000-word apology. I promise you that. I hope this helps. If you have any questions, please comment in the comments. Comment in the comments. Comment on this video if you have any questions. If you have any thoughts, feedback, I'd love to hear from you. If not, see you next week.