Season 1 Finale: 7 Insights for Chemsex (Tina) Recovery

Welcome to The Aftermath Podcast. This is your host, Dr. Dallas Bragg, a former crystal meth addict, now sobriety coach. Join me on my mission to increase awareness around the epidemic of crystal meth among the gay male population and create a repository of resources for current and past addicts, as well as and especially for their loved ones. This is The Aftermath. Trigger warning, this podcast will contain discussions pertaining to drug and alcohol misuse. If you feel triggered to use or relapse, please call SAMHSA's National Hotline at 1-800-662-HELP. Also, if you are new in your sobriety journey and you feel like you could be triggered by discussions around drug, alcohol, and sex misuse, please do not listen to this podcast. All right, now on with the show. Hey, y'all. Welcome to the end of season 1 of the Aftermath Podcast. Ah, 50 episodes. So surreal for me to think about. You know, during the conception of this podcast, I really had accepted that this would be— and I almost called it a limited series because I was listening to the opinions of others too much, something I used to do a lot. Other people, mostly gay men, told me that there isn't an audience because meth heads aren't cognizant enough to listen to a podcast, and the ones who were were in recovery and they belonged to a 12-step program. It would only listen to 12-step centered material. So when I went ahead and searched for podcasts out there to try to see if there's anything like this for you know men who have sex with men in recovery from crystal meth, very niche, right? I found one podcast. It was, of course, the brilliant work of Dr. David Fawcett, but it looked like he had taken a break. So when I did that, I found— I was told that there were no podcasts for this audience. If there's none out there, there's not an audience for it, right? But I forged ahead anyway. And almost a year later, I am honored and grateful that I did. So grateful that I did. And I am so happy that I stuck to my belief in this podcast and my intuition. regarding how I wanted it to look and feel, the subject matter, as well as the overall message to you men who desire to be free from the addictive patterns of crystal meth use or have it in your past, as well as, of course, loved ones of men who are using who want to try to understand the nuances of this particular addictive pattern in this particular demographic. It is different, by the way. I have read DMs and emails every single day from you that have fueled my drive to keep this podcast cranking. So to close out season 1, I'm presenting to you a solo pod from yours truly that sums up all the questions I receive from men who want to turn away from chemsex, Tina use, crystal meth misuse, whatever the hell you want to call it. You know what I'm talking about. So this is a comprehensive look. Well, I say comprehensive, but I guess it's an overall look at what I feel it takes to not only abstain from crystal meth, but attain your best and highest potentiality for yourself. That second part, attaining your highest and best potential, that is the most important concept here. And I've met men who have abstained from this substance for 10 or 15 years some early on in this conception of this podcast, but are still living an emotionally dysregulated life, triggered constantly on a daily basis and addicted to meetings to survive. And in my opinion, that is not living your best and highest and fullest potential. All right, now here are my 7 insights for chemsex recovery and beyond. These are not in order of importance. They are all equally weighted and they are all interconnected. So, but I want to say this, a few disclaimers. One is, if you are on the severe side of meth use disorder, perhaps you're physically dependent on the substance you're using every day, you need treatment, right? You need detox and treatment, and you're not ready for these concepts. These concepts are for later on after treatment and/or detox. It's like If I went to a starving child in Africa and said, just have a better mindset, you know, it would be— it would just not be right. This is not medical advice either, by the way, nor am I a certified— I'm not even a certified addiction counselor, and I'm not a therapist. A lot of you lovely people on social media like to say, you're pretending to be a doctor. I'm not. I do have a doctorate degree. It is sort of— it is a terminal accredited degree, but I'm not pretending to be a doctor. I'm not dispensing medical advice, nor am I a therapist. So take it for what it's worth. Before I do get started, also, I want to share with you my overall agreements on life. You know, when I— the book that was a catalyst for me to come out was The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements of Life. And that made me come up with my own agreements. And one is that everything in my life is happening for me, not to me, for me, for my best interest. Everything. This is a law and an agreement. Nothing is excluded. And everything I desire already exists. So given those 2 agreements, I want you to keep that in mind because they have influenced these 7 insights. All right, here we go. Number 1, become the compassionate observer. So what does that mean? You know, one time I was alone on my back patio. So if you haven't heard me talk about my setup when I was in my, uh, before I got homeless, when I was in my, my condo that was the conveyor belt of men in and out when I was using, I had a back patio that led directly from my bedroom. It was on the ground floor. And of course, you know, if you know, you know, if you know, right, that I had my directions in my notes section on my phone of when guys would pull up, where to park, how to come around the building, and then come into the back patio, open the sliding glass doors. Ta-da! There's my bedroom. And so I would cut and paste that a lot, right, when guys would come over. Which was all the time. Anyway, one time I was back here on this patio, and it was also the area where we all took smoke breaks during the parties and stuff like that. But I was sitting alone this time in the dark, had Grindr open, waiting to answer a guy who wanted to come over and party. There was a voice inside of me saying though, just go to bed this time. You have work tomorrow. You were already probably in trouble with work. And then you have another voice Telling me, flip through his portfolio of nudes just one more time. Just flip through them again to build some anticipation, because this time it could be different. This guy seems normal. He's not from the area, and he's pretty hot. Could be a great time. I'm sure it wasn't. But anyway, then something hit me in the back patio. If I was able to observe 2 different voices in my head. Who is the one observing them? It was a pretty powerful epiphany for me at the time. And I was having at that moment, because after decades of being in church and learning about having a soul, it finally hit me like a lightning bolt that I wasn't the voices in my head. I was the observer of them. The observer had to be my consciousness, or as I say, my soul. The process of breaking away from your addictive patterns requires you to step out of the voices, step out of the cravings, step out of the emotions, the behaviors, and take the role of compassionate observer because none of those things are truly you. A soul doesn't have addictive patterns. A soul doesn't waffle with decisions. It just is. So without getting too much into the woo-woo weeds, which I can do if you want— and if soul is a word that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, just call it the observer if you want, whatever you want to call it— but when you are observing something, just say you're observing those voices. You can study it. You can manipulate it. You— it's like being in a lab, right? And most of all, you can detach from it. You must detach from what you think is you and your personality, which is your personal reality. This is why repeating, I'm an addict, can sometimes lead to identification with the concept of what we identify as an addict, whatever that concept is for you. When you attach yourself to a concept, you You begin to act the part, and that idea begins to control your life. It's the perspective and the lens through which you see the world and yourself. But if you can observe addictive patterns, that infers they aren't you. They aren't yours. They are behaviors to be studied. In recovery, you become the ultimate student of yourself. Actually, a client told me the other day, To call it discovery instead of recovery. Thank you very much. I like that. The consciousness behind your statements will change when this happens. For instance, quote, I don't know why I went over to his house to use again. I've heard it a million times. I don't know why I went over there again. It can come from a hopeless victim of your behaviors or from a place of compassionate observer. I don't know why I went over to his house to use again. From a victim Is, woe is me, I'm out of control, I'm such a failure, I'm a chronic relapser, etc., etc. Or, I don't know why I went over to his house again. From a compassionate observer, looks like, hmm, I'm curious about why that behavior emerged. What were the circumstances around it? What were the thoughts I was experiencing? What were the emotions? You are taking copious notes and You're not judging. You're not putting a label on what you did as wrong or right, but you're being genuinely curious in the name of research. Because guess what? Everything is neutral. Addiction, relapse, going to the guy's house— those are neutral incidents. They're waiting for us to label them with meaning, and you get to choose the meaning. This puts you in the power seat. You are now separated from the behavior. This does not mean that you don't take responsibility for it. Do not@ me, please, on Instagram saying that I tell people not to take responsibility for their actions, because that is not what I'm saying. So don't come at me with that shit. I'm not saying that. I'm saying don't get caught up in the shame of using or whatever it is that happened, but step away from it. In order to develop a sense of self-knowledge. This is going to be key in unlocking the answers to why you keep going back to his house, right? This is curiosity instead of condemnation. We are stuck in condemning ourselves right now. Most— a lot of gay men come to me, they're stuck in this loop of condemnation. But when they're curious, It interrupts that pattern. It gets them in the observer position. This is the same principle when it comes to triggers, when it comes to cravings, when it comes to unmanageable emotions. Some of us identify with the cravings and say things like, my cravings are so strong, which makes them yours. They're now part of you. Guess what? They aren't yours. They just are. If you can observe the cravings in a, I'm experiencing cravings. You can get a sense of where they are showing up in your body. What do they feel like? Where might they be coming from, etc.? And that's how you get a hold of them. And again, you switch to the power seat and you aren't carried away by the cravings. You feel the craving instead of it feeling you. All right, number 2, abstinence is not the goal. Oh, we are limiting ourselves and we're setting ourselves up for disappointment when we only set our sights on abstinence. Studies show the relapse on crystal meth is higher in the first year than any other substance anyway. So let's be realistic about it. Then if you happen to use, you think you've totally failed. Because you have set a success-fail, use-not-use. That is it. That's your only measure of success. That's your only measure of how you're doing in your recovery. And then we think we have to start over for some reason. I'll get to that later. But then I've seen it time and again. A guy puts together a substantial amount of time away from meth, and then all of a sudden he's lost. He said, wait a minute, I hit my goal. What now? Either that, or he jumps in a relationship as protection from the drug, or he protects himself with meetings. This is what I did when I married a woman. I was running away from my sexuality and the work it would take, the pain of coming out as a gay man. The easiest and fastest solution for me was to marry a woman. It's protection, a beard, I guess you could say. And then by avoiding the work, the pain only built up, and then it all manifested as suicidal ideations. That's why we don't take care of things now. They're going to come out no matter how long you stay abstinent from the substance. And once that woman was gone and I came out, I thought I had reached the goal, right? I had thought I had succeeded. And like many men who are abstaining from meth, they think they've reached the goal and now they can embrace a euphoric existence, skip off into the distance. Well, after I came out, all the pain and the trauma was waiting for me on the other side. And the same happens with so many men. They are only focused on abstaining and not asking for the unlimited potential. That the universe is offering them. They get what they call sober and then ask, now what? Well, now what is levels of happiness, peace, contentment, love that you never thought possible. A healed life of living as your best and highest existence. That's your goal. We think, if only I could quit Tina, then I'll be happy, then my problems are over. Wrong. Listen, the cheat code in this case is to set a vision for yourself. A vision for how you want to show up in the world. What is your unlimited version of yourself? Who is that? Now imagine yourself living that way. Take time. The best thing you can do is take time to lie down, close your eyes, and imagine. Daydream. How are you showing up with friends, family, partners, work? Who is this person? Feel the emotion of being that person. Feel the emotion of how that existence is in your body. Have the conversations in your mind of what, how it's going to be, and then store that feeling in your heart. It might sound corny, but how is what you're doing working for you? Try it my way for once. Store that feeling and work to feel it every day. Get back to that. Close your eyes and get back to that feeling as often as possible. You don't have to wait For external circumstances like abstinence to feel happy, peaceful, and content. We think we have to punish ourselves. We have— we think we have to pay a penance for use. Find that emotion and hang on to it as much as possible. That's the goal. That state of consciousness of who you are next is what you want, not just a meth-free life. No matter what circumstances tell you either. You may have used a week ago. So what? Chase that emotion. Chase that state of being that your vision gives you. So many of you are stuck because you don't have a vision. You just think, I just need to stop using. But how can you move forward if you don't know where you're going? Create the vision and viscerally feel it in your body, your soul, and your mind. Then begin asking yourself with every thought, with every word, every behavior, every decision, am I choosing my future self? Or am I choosing my past self? Who am I casting a vote for right now? This makes decisions a little bit easier, and it gives your subconscious a goal to work toward. And I promise everything in your life on the outside will begin unfolding toward that vision. Being meth-free actually becomes a byproduct and not the sole mission. Number three: break free from the recovery matrix. So somewhere down the line, we all agreed to a definition of how we are supposed to live, how we're supposed to talk, how we're supposed to believe, and one route to get there based on a group of men's thoughts and one book. Nope, I am not talking about Christianity. Sure sounds like it, doesn't it? I'm referring to the 12-step programs. I've been accused of being anti-12-step, and let me set the record straight. I am absolutely not. But I am pro-choice, and I am pro-self-empowerment, and I am pro-choose the route that fucking best suits you and go for it. Take the red pill and break out of this matrix if it's not working for you, of what you are supposed to be doing and how you are supposed to be doing it. I love that the 12-step meetings are available for people in early recovery. I love— I send them there all the time. I love that they're 24/7 all around the world. There are so many success stories over and over and over of men who have been taken in by other men. It's wonderful. And in the beginning, what better way to transition into a new identity than to establish structure and accountability, to meet other like-minded people, than 90 meetings in 90 days? And there are so many people who swear by the 12-step program, but there are so many people who don't. And there are so many people who come to me that are worse off because of the— some of the people Involved in the program, just like in Christianity, some people give it a bad name. Our humanness gets in the way and we end up doing more harm than good. I've talked to men who are scared to death that they are in this group of people that apparently the big book mentions who never stop relapsing for the rest of their lives. This hopeless group who it never works for because they never work it. In other words, they who burn in eternal flames of hell. So many, many men are so scared of this, and they quit going to the meetings because they couldn't stomach another walk of shame to get another white tea tag. The idea of being judged, especially in an LGBTQ fellowship, was just too much for them to bear, so they just gave up altogether. Or the guys who were told by sponsors that because they used poppers or they accidentally drank a beverage that had a small percentage of alcohol in it, that they had relapsed and they had lost all their time, and they had to go back and get a white chip or whatever. These men approached their recovery already from a hopeless victimhood perspective, from a fear-based mindset, believing that they had to take everything anyone said and what this book said at face value and follow it or else. They weren't being the compassionate observer of their recovery/discovery. They weren't empowering themselves to connect to their own intuition. To their own bodies to discern whether or not a rule of law— that really isn't even a law, by the way— sits right with them and works for their own journey. So break free from this pretend matrix. Listen, there are no set rules. There are no set regulations about how this works. Recovery is preparing you for a new life, a new way of being, a new way of living. And because of that, Be skeptical. There's a lot on the line for you. Question everything. Determine your own truth and stand on that. This is giving you practice for who you want to be next. What is your definition of sober? If you can have a glass of wine and it doesn't lead to using meth, then do it. Some can, some can't. If you require a harm reduction approach at this moment, eat the damn gummy. If it keeps you from going out to the party, think for yourself. Empower yourself so that once meth is behind you, you can still question life and find your internal truth and follow that no matter what anyone says. Be different. If you have 100 days of abstinence and you use, do you have to start counting your days over? Who says this? Who is the arbiter of these made-up rules? Successful chemsex recovery is about perception, not perfection. If you shift your perception to say, in the last 100 days I've used once, and guess what, that's the most I've been abstinent in 5 years, that's an improvement for me. I'm proud of my 100 days. I worked fucking hard for 100 days. They didn't just disappear. The perception you have of yourself is what will empower you and move you forward. But to say, well, I have to start over again, day one— what is that? What does that feel like? Negative. Failure. And if you believe you're a failure, and if you believe you're not getting it right, then why not just use again anyway? Because it just confirms your self-image. For gay men especially, successful recovery is about how we view ourselves and anchoring into a positive reinforcement model. So go to the meetings if they help, but also don't go to the meetings if they don't help. Either way, as long as it's a choice you make out of inspiration to be authentic, not obligation to some arbitrary person or book, you are investing in your highest version here. Be smart about it. Ah, number 4, language matters. When I get on a Zoom call, I get on Zoom calls every week with people who are interested in my one-on-one coaching with men and who want my advice on how to stop using Tina crystal meth. I will almost always reply. I'm always going to say the same thing: today, today, take today and monitor your language. How are you speaking to and about yourself? I hear, "I just can't get this right," and "Am I an addict or not?" And, and I am so stupid, and I'm such a loser, I can't believe I'm still doing this. I hear this a lot from guys, older guys. Those sentences and the like are clear, very clear indications of where we can begin the process of untangling myth from your life. You are looking at the evidence of your life and you're creating a belief about yourself from that. So what's a belief? A belief is a thought you keep thinking. Or words you keep saying. So instead of, I'm an addict, how about, I'm experiencing meth use and I'm on my way out? See how that feels. It's similar to the difference between, I am sick, and, I am currently healing from a sickness. It may seem asinine to you. It may, may seem like it's silly, but there is superpower in our words and the perception we have. And how they affect our emotions, our actions, and our life overall. Your mindset is going to be the difference between abstinence and stagnation. What do you think is the difference between someone like me who is able to step away from meth and someone who hasn't been able to? I'm not smarter. I'm not stronger. I'm not better. My mindset. My mindset shifted. My mindset lifted me out of the dark hole I had created in my head and allowed me to see the bigger picture of recovery discovery. It allowed me to see that relapse wasn't a failure, but a point on the journey, the best learning opportunity I could have had. And by the way, I'm not talking about overdose, so please do not@ me at that either. There's a difference between an overdose and a relapse. Okay, we all know this. That's why I refer to relapse as using episodes or using experiences or just using. Language matters. Your words are actually the manifestation of your thoughts. So when you allow an intrusive thought like, I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough, I can't do this, why am I so stupid, to become actual words, you ramp up their power 1,000 times. So I challenge you to begin analyzing everything you say and how you say it. That's a start. If you don't know where to start, start there. So what feels better? My anxiety is so intense, or I'm experiencing high anxiety because of this. My cravings are so strong, or I'm experiencing cravings right now and I know they will pass soon. It makes a huge ass difference. If you follow my newsletters, you know also how I feel about the word clean. I've been clean for X amount of days. So what were you when you used? You were dirty, I guess. You were dirty. So if you are dirty when you use, that means I guess you— when you use again, you're dirty again. You have to get clean. It sets you up for shame and defeat instead of curiosity And learning. You're not clean and you're not dirty when you use or not use. You get to pick the meaning of these things. They're just like the term character defect. Defective? Addictive behaviors are not a moral failing. Instead of a character defect, why not growth opportunity? The mindset shift in these small changes could make such an impact on your recovery journey. And honestly, your self-image overall. So make up your own words and phrases if you want. Why not go the extra mile, come up with your own recovery glossary? Who cares? There are no rules here, only healing. Only healing is the goal, and you choose your healing path. This is your life at stake. Choose your words in a way that moves you forward and alleviates The shame and the guilt. Okay, number 5, it ain't the sex. Every time I ask a man, every time, why are you using crystal meth? They would typically always say, for the hot sex, right? But then when I ask more questions, I find out they aren't even having sex on it anymore. Guys are in psychosis when they get there, or paranoia, or they're stuck on Grindr finding more guys, or simply too tired because they've been up too long. They can't get out of the zombie haze. I swear I've never seen a sex drug that makes you go limp and causes less sex than crystal meth. But I know there are exceptions. I know some of y'all are still out there having all kinds of fun on it. I get that. But of course, following week isn't that fun, is it? But I still say it's not the sex that's bringing you back. And if you can break out of that, you're going to really dig down to the core of what's happening here. It's the state of being you get from the crystal meth experience, from the party, right? Or if even if you do a solo party, a lot of you, more often than not now from COVID a lot of guys are doing it solo. Whatever you're getting from that, it is sometimes being a part of this secret society of Tina users. That's what the thrill is, right? This hiding in plain sight world we step into. That feels risky, right? It takes us out of our normal lives and And takes us into the Clark Kent Superman type scenario. Sometimes it is our coping mechanism, right, for escaping the pressures of life, the difficult emotions we keep avoiding, the grief we haven't processed. Or maybe it's our one chance to feel sexually powerful or feel so wanted by other men without the pressure or judgment of being at the club or the Stonewall game. Maybe it's just the mere fact that we are bored and it happens to be our favorite habit and our favorite thing to do, you know, to check out and jack off to porn for 2 days, you know. So Sometimes that sounds pretty nice, but whatever it is that is bringing you back, what has worked almost 100% of the time with my clients is digging deeper into what the chemsex experience is giving you and give that to yourself in another way that does not involve crystal meth. And being open to replacing it with something that might not be the healthiest way to cope something that isn't sustainable right now, but understanding that it is a step up, a step toward abstinence, a step in the right direction. So here's an example. A man may find that he's using Tina because of the validation he gets from other men, right? He needs validation. Meth is such a shortcut, right, for everything in every way. And especially if you need a quick boost, dopamine hit of validation, it's the quickest way to get that. So we will ask— ask the man, what other ways could you get validation and get what you're getting out of this? In one case, my client found that he could go to the bathhouse, right? He could go to the bathhouse and get instant validation. He could have sex, get home at a decent hour, and go to work the next day. Yes, I know meth is present in lots of bathhouses. I get that. But hear me out. What we've discovered here is the why We've discovered the why, the real why of what's drawing him in. It ain't the sex. Something in him needs validation. So in the long term, this is something he will work on in terms of not needing external validation. Maybe he gets a therapist or something like that, something deeper than what I can do. But he knows that he will benefit from receiving internal validation on the long term to be truly fulfilled. And not need meth ever again. But as they step out of it, he goes to the bathhouse. Better is better, as my friend Ignacio says. He goes to the bathhouse to get the need met in a meth-free way. That is the first step. This is a way to interrupt the meth pattern, right? It's a way of reprogramming the subconscious to say, all right, this is how we get what we need. We're still getting what we need, but we aren't getting it from chemsex anymore. Then once space between the man and the substance has occurred, the pattern has been interrupted enough, then he began peeling away at why he needs validation. There's like 5 layers of why here, right? And on the journey to loving himself. So being stuck in a chemsex cycle though will prevent him from ever moving forward to find that core. It can never, ever move him forward from anything. And the true issues of why he's using will never come out if he's stuck in that chemsex cycle. So dig really deep and find out the real reason you are using and begin to open up to the possibilities of meeting that need in some other way. It's definitely a start. So, ah, number 6, trust the process. I know this is an overused cliché, and I do not like clichés, but I'm going to put a new spin on this old cliché for you. I wrote an article, it's on Medium or on my blog, on my website, reflecting on a lady in my church when I was a little boy. And it was special testimonial night, right, when anybody could stand up and give their testimony. So the floor was open for anyone to stand and give their praise. And as a small boy, I was always intrigued by this. I would stop playing on the floor and I would get up on the pew and I'd start, you know, I'd listen intently because I was able to get a glimpse inside the lives of people's— of people in the church. I was a nosy— I was a nosy little queen. I was always a little bit nosy, right? But anyway, out of all the testimonials I heard through the years, there was one lady's that stood out and it stayed with me. And it was a lady who said, be careful what you pray for because you might just get it. And that really stuck in my mind, and I know why now. She went on to explain that, that she had prayed for patience, and by praying and asking God for patience, she had endured an onslaught of misfortune, one after the other, in a whole year's time in her life. For that whole year, inevitably after that, she learned— it taught her patience. So what she's saying is, and I guess that stuck with me because it was a divine download and a true understanding for me of how this universe works. We ask for something and we receive it. We immediately receive it. The path opens in that moment to the desires of our heart. The issue is most of the time we have a preconceived idea of what the road to that desire should look like. But we are viewing it from a limited human mindset. In retrospect, we always say, right? Oh, that's why that happened. Or that's why I ended up dating that guy to learn this, to get here, to do that. When at the time, it felt like the world was against us, right? That we were our prayers weren't getting answered. When in reality, the world was working to deliver our desires. We just had to go through those experiences to get the gift, to get the healing, to get the lesson, to move on to the next thing. To get to where we want to go. It is my belief that each one of us who are having or have had a relationship with crystal meth are undergoing a crucible of sorts, part of a divine curriculum to give us our heart's desire, whatever that was that was born before our experience. Maybe we want peace. Maybe we want healing of a trauma. Maybe it's our soulmate. Whatever it is we want, we must go through the assignment of crystal meth experience to get there. If we accept that every single thing in our lives is happening for us and for our best, that includes substance use, and it includes what we know as relapse. It includes it all. We have in our limited minds created this linear process for achieving abstinence that is just totally fucking us up and skewing the plan and the whole recovery journey. Listen, general life learning and healing is not linear, so why would recovery be? So when we start counting from 1 Every time we use and put ourselves through the hell of starting over, we are totally denying the divine curriculum of our lives. We are essentially playing and questioning God. So when we ask for abstinence, maybe the plan to get us to a place of being ready to be abstinent requires some, quote, relapses. Maybe this is just part of the journey. This is where I would encourage you to maintain a sense of certainty, not hope. I hope I can do this implies weak faith. It's giving you an out to fail. It infers, ironically, hopelessness. And certainty says that no matter what happens, it is for my best, and I'm going to learn. I'm going to be that compassionate observer. I'm going to learn what I can from it. I'm going to take the learning, and I'm going to take the wins, and I'm going to anchor into that. Certainty says that no matter what the 5 senses tell me right now, I'm on my way out of this experience and I'm moving forward to my heart's desire, which is abstinence, or whatever the goal was after that. I see the future me, and every day I'm becoming him. You won't know unless you approach it as the compassionate observer that I mentioned earlier. Curiosity Will allow you to see relapse, using, differently and how it fits into the overall puzzle of our lives. But it is all, all marching you forward to the desires of your heart. You may not understand why now, and even if you don't have a desire of your heart, we are all programmed in our DNA to fulfill our greatest potential anyway. Just like the acorns programmed to be the oak, right? The seed, a flower, etc., etc. We are always growing toward our highest potential, whether we like it or not. Everything is pushing us forward for that. So you can either go through this process from a place of joy, gratitude, learning, or you can go through this process from a place of pain, shame, and guilt. Either way, You're going to go through it. The lesson here is the journey and the process of letting go of the guilt and the shame of what you did with crystal meth, the guilt and the shame of what was built up before the crystal meth, whatever it was that pushed you into using, that need for validation, whatever it was, the beliefs you have about yourself. The lesson here is the healing and the processing of all of that. The crystal meth experience has been the catalyst needed to answer the heart, your heart's desire to get you to be to a bigger and better place, a best and highest version of yourself, to work through all of that, to shake all of it loose. That's what the crystal meth experience is there for. The lesson is the journey. Not the destination. Another cliché, I guess. All right, number 7, last one: consistent daily action. So yes, there are some tangible, practical concepts to go over. The thing is, y'all know the basics, right? As they say in the 12 steps: people, places, and things. Stay off fucking Grindr, sniffies, WhatsApp, Telegram, BBRT, etc., etc. Change your phone number, deactivate social media, stay away from that neighborhood you used to use in. Surrender your phone to someone at night if you have to. Have your straight girlfriend spend the night and stay in your bed with you so you don't get your ass out partying. Look, all the things we have to do in early recovery to infantilize ourselves because access to crystal meth or Tina is just too damn easy. If we don't do those basics, then we're not going to get very far. We become so sneaky too, or at least we think we are. You know, I've had— like I said, I've had guys invite their girlfriends over. I've had them go live with their aunt or whatever and, and sleep in somewhere where they're monitored. And the nosiest and most intrusive relative or friend are the ones that's going to keep you, uh, from partying. So do what you have to do knowing that it's all temporary. This is not the rest of your life. It's, it's an investment in long-term and sustainable change. You are not just ridding meth out of your lives. You are allowing your old life to die. You are unbecoming everything the world made you. You aren't learning anything new here. You are unlearning all of the fucked up beliefs you accept about yourself and the world around you. And all of this begins with building trust in yourself. And all of it begins even before that, like I said, Extreme measures to get you separated from the substance. If you go to treatment, they're going to take your phone away. Why do you think they do that? You have lied to yourself and the subconscious so much that your words and your intentions mean nothing anymore. It is like that friend who keeps lying to you or hurting you and keeps apologizing. Eventually, the I'm sorry is just meaningless noise. How many times have you said, I'm never using again, and then you use again? Right? There's no integrity left in you, which is why I never suggest saying, I'll never use again. I think you should begin with honesty. I want to use again. And you know what? It could happen. There's something counterintuitive about that to set you free. Anyway, crawling out of the rubble of, of your life with crystal begins with consistency, a daily action of some sort. This is why the 90 meetings in 90 days are such a good idea with the 12 steps or the daily gratitudes, etc. Doing something every single day Creates structure, discipline. It centers you, brings you back. We forget so easily. Oh yeah, wait a minute, I'm trying not to use crystal meth. We forget. It is the beginning of building that self-trust back so you can dig deeper and accomplish even more healing next. But don't let anyone dictate to you what that consistent daily action is. You don't have to take a cold plunge. You don't have to meditate and yoga and gym every single day and every single morning. Just because you see that on Instagram. Choose one thing that resonates with you. This is back to that empowerment. This is back to you choosing what works for you. If it is journaling, then begin with one sentence. One sentence a day for one week. Accomplish that goal. Pat yourself on the back. Anchor into that. Really lean into that win. You are reprogramming your subconscious to believe that you're going to do what you say you're going to do. Consistency and congruency with what you say and what you do is what puts you in alignment in life and moves you forward. You are building positive reinforcement, and you are literally rewriting your personality or personal reality, right? Then maybe the next week you write 2 sentences for a week. Start small and really zone in on the wins and congratulate yourself. Consistent Daily action is a way of saying to your subconscious that we are adopting new patterns. You are asking it for help in repeating the cycles that you wrote, the cycles that you want repeated, not the ones that were given to you by default. The underlying principle here is that your subconscious is an algorithm, and I think algorithms were modeled after our minds. Whatever you spend more time viewing or liking, giving attention or thought to, is what you'll see more of, right? It's like when you go and buy a red Corolla, all of a sudden on the road— I don't know why I said Corolla, but all of a sudden on the road, all you see is red Corollas, right? It's that reticular activation system. If you focus more on the positive wins in your recovery and in your life, more than clicking on the shame of the past, the guilt, what you did and what you said on Tina— yes, we all watched those Zoom videos, we all did the things, we all talked about things we shouldn't have. We all drank piss or whatever. Listen, you'll be seeing more and more of that, or you can see more and more positive wins. Where attention goes, energy flows, right? If you want more evidence of your failure, then keep feeding it your attention. Keep clicking on that ad of your relapse and the things you did while you're in your using experience. Then you'll get more and more failures, examples of failure in your life. So anyway, Consistent daily action. Every day, right now, decide what it is you'll do right now, no matter how small, and do it step by step. You'll get there. All right, step by step. Oh boy, I could talk. All right, I could talk for hours, really. I could talk for hours and hours and dispense so much more advice than this. This is what flowed out of me when I sat down to my laptop, so Listen, if you get nothing else from this episode, please accept that life is happening for you. Shift your perspective. You are not the victim. You are the creator. Abstinence from meth is possible. It's within your reach. It all begins with shifting your perspective on how you respond to life. That's it. Now, it isn't easy and it takes some time, But nothing worth having is easy, right? If we could snap our fingers and have what we wanted, what would be the point of even living, right? All right. So, you know, the question I ask at the end of all the podcasts is, what did I miss? What did I miss, um, that you would like to add? Or what would you— what did I say that you didn't agree with? Let's have that too. But I'd like to hear your thoughts. Uh, comment on the YouTube video, comment on the Spotify video, send me a DM, whatever you want to do, however you want to do it. Um, there's all— I'll push out all kinds of promos for this podcast. Comment on there, tell me what I missed that you would add. All right, ah, that is season 1. We're gonna be back in a few weeks with season 2. It's gonna have a new look, a new feel. Excited about it. I love you guys very much, and I will see you in a few weeks.