In this solo coaching video, recovery coach Dallas Bragg addresses men who have sex with men and struggle with chemsex addiction, focusing on how shame is often misused as a scapegoat that keeps clients stuck. He explains that shame identifiers (e.g., “I’m a cheater,” “I’m broken”) function as avoidance tools that close the conversation before deeper inquiry can occur. Bragg argues that shame is a valid signal but should be treated as a messenger, not a narrator. He outlines three practical tools to transform shame into a doorway for healing: (1) the “and underneath that” practice, which repeatedly asks “and underneath that?” to uncover core beliefs; (2) separating behavior from identity by reframing statements from “I am X” to “I chose X and want to understand why”; and (3) tracing the origin of the shame label by asking who first assigned it, allowing the client to separate external voices from their own. Throughout, he emphasizes curiosity over condemnation, encouraging clients to stay in the emotional room, explore underlying wounds, and ultimately heal. The video also promotes his Aftermath Podcast and the Recovery Alchemy group coaching program.
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Hey there, Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for men who have sex with men and wanna break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we're gonna tackle shame from a new angle when you use it as a scapegoat in your recovery. So that, what does that mean? It means you use it, you use your shame as an excuse to keep making the decisions that negatively affect your life. So if that resonates at all, Keep watching. On this channel, you're gonna find lots of resources to help you break free from chemsex and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermath Podcast here on this channel as well. I drop a long-form video just like this one every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell, subscribe to the channel so you don't miss any goodies. By the way, if you're interested in my group coaching program, in my program called Recovery Alchemy, the link to apply for that is in the show notes. We take new clients. All the time. It's a rolling start date. Through weekly group sessions and one-on-one sessions with me and my team, your life could look much differently in 12 weeks than it does right now. All right, so how does shame keep you stuck instead of setting you free? So there's a certain moment that I'm recognizing now when I'm sitting with a client. He'll pause, he'll look down, he'll say something like, I self-sabotage, or I'm a cheater, or I think I have some kind of neurodiversity thing going on, or I'm just broken. And he'll say it like it explains everything. It puts it all in a box, right? Case closed. So I used to kind of nod along with that, and I'd feel a bit stumped because typically my job is to steer the client toward the shame awareness, to get them to that spot. So when they bring it to me before I can get them there, what's next? Now, I know to get curious because what I've learned is that shame identifiers like these aren't explanations. In that case, they're exits for the client. They're the door we walk through to avoid the room we actually need to enter. It's like a side door, right? So here's what I want to offer you today. Shame is real. Shame is valid and it deserves to be healed. We all know that. But sometimes Some of y'all are using shame not as something to move through, but as something to hide behind. And that distinction is very important. So how does shame become a shortcut? Shame identifiers, that's the labels we attach to ourselves, and they feel like insight, right? But it's functioning as avoidance. It feels very honest. It can feel like progress because at least we're naming something, right? But naming shame is not the same as moving through it. So here's what I mean. So when a man says, I self-sabotage, he doesn't have to ask, what parts of me doesn't believe I deserve what I'm building? Where did that belief come from? And what would it mean if I actually succeeded? See, that's the deeper questions. When he says, I'm a cheater, he doesn't have to ask, what was I longing for that I didn't know how to ask for? What did I believe about my own worth in that relationship? What fear was driving me in those moments? When he says, I'm just broken, he doesn't have to ask, what happened to me that I haven't fully grieved? Whose voice taught me that I was defective? What would life look like if I stopped believing that? When he says, I have some kind of neurodiversity, he doesn't have to ask, what coping strategies did I develop to survive environments that didn't understand me? Which of those strategies am I still running on autopilot? When he says, I'm an addict, that's just who I am, He doesn't have to ask. What need was crystal meeting that I had no other way to meet? What was I numbing? What was I chasing? What was I trying to belong to? So you see, this pattern can exist when shame identifiers like that close the door. It lands, it stings, it feels true, and then it ends the conversation before the real conversation can begin. You're blocking, you're deflecting. The label becomes the answer. And as long as the label is the answer, the wound underneath never gets witnessed. So what's underneath the label? So here's what I've come to believe after years of my own recovery, and of course sitting with other men in theirs. Oftentimes shame identifiers are protecting something. It might be protecting a wound that's never been witnessed, a grief that was never allowed to grieve, a belief so old that it believes it feels like fact. You know, when you lie to yourself so much, you forget what's true and what's not. It could be a choice made from a place of such deep pain that understanding it feels more terrifying than just staying ashamed of it. And the hard truth is staying in shame can feel safer than getting curious about it because shame, as awful as it feels, is familiar. It confirms what a part of us already believes about ourselves. See the cycle? Curiosity, on the other hand, requires us to enter into unknown territory, to ask ourselves uncomfortable questions that we're not sure the answers to. But here's what I know. The answers on the other side of those questions aren't more evidence of how broken you are. They're evidence of your humanity. It's the glue that puts it all back together, right? I self-sabotage becomes I learned early that wanting too much was dangerous. Success felt like a target, not a reward. I'm a cheater becomes I was drowning in disconnection and didn't know how to ask for a lifeline. I reached for the closest thing that made me feel real. I'm broken becomes something happened to me that I haven't fully grieved, and I've been carrying it as an identity instead of as a wound. I'm an addict. That's just who I am becomes I found something that made me feel like myself for the first time, and I didn't yet have the tools to find that feeling any other way. That shift from conviction, Or condemnation to curiosity. If you've heard me talk about this before, recovery is about curiosity, not condemnation. When you shift from one to the other, that's where the recovery actually will take off. Okay, so here's 3 ways to unpack the shame beneath the label. If you're ready to stop using shame as a scapegoat and start going deep and using it as a doorway, here are 3 tools to begin. Number 1. The and underneath that practice. The next time you catch yourself using a shame identifier, don't argue with it and don't agree with it. Just ask, and underneath that? Okay, I self-sabotage. And underneath that? I don't feel safe succeeding. And underneath that? If I succeed, people will expect more and I'll disappoint them. And underneath that? I've always believed disappointment is inevitable. Keep going. Most shame labels are surface-level answers to much deeper questions. So this practice trains you to stay in the room instead of taking the exit. Give yourself 5 minutes and a journal. Follow the thread. And underneath that, and underneath that. Number 2, separate the behavior from the identity. This is one of the most important distinctions in recovery work, no matter what we're talking about. A shame identifier collapses behavior into an identity. I am, I am a cheater. I am broken. I am addict. The moment you say I am, you've made something you did into something you are. Suddenly, There's nothing to work with. Nothing. There's no wiggle room. That's who I am. So try this reframe. Instead of, I am blank, say, I made a choice to blank, and I want to understand what was driving that choice. This isn't letting yourself off the hook. It's actually holding yourself more accountable because now you're responsible for understanding the why, not just performing remorse about the what and being stuck with the what. The behavior belongs to you. The identity doesn't have to. Okay. Number 3, ask what assigned the label. So shame doesn't appear in a vacuum. Somebody or something taught you that you were broken, unworthy, too much, not enough. Shame labels often have an original author, and it's very rarely you. So sit with this question. Who first made me believe this about myself? Maybe it was a parent, a religious institution, a partner, the gay community. Maybe it was culture. Maybe it was a bully. Maybe it was the cumulative experience of growing up queer. In a world that told you something was wrong with you, when can you identify where the label came from? And then when you do, you can bring it to separate. When you can identify where the label came from, you can begin to separate their voice from your voice. And from that place, you can ask, is this true or is this a story? Is this mine or is this Theirs. Is it time to return it to its original owner? That's your shit. Not in an accusatory way, not in a vengeful way, like, Mommy did this to me. Mama, that was your trauma, right? Okay. So here's your invitation. Shame was never meant to be your narrator. It was meant to be a signal. Shame is a messenger. It's a knock on the door that says something here needs attention. But somewhere along the way, many of us stopped opening the door and just started living it on the porch, right? The work isn't to destroy your shame labels or pretend they never fit. The work is to get curious enough to ask what they've been protecting you from. And then slowly, gently, with support, walk through the door. Stay in the room. And you are not your labels. You are the man who survived what created them. And that man deserves More than a name for his wound, an excuse. He deserves to know the wound and he deserves to heal it. All right. I hope that was helpful for you. Let me know in the comments if it was or even if it wasn't. What would you add? What would you take away? I'd like to hear your feedback. All right. See y'all next week.
