Understanding Boundaries (And Self-Betrayal)

Hey there, Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we're talking about setting and keeping boundaries, and more specifically, how you betray your own boundaries. If that sounds familiar to you, you'll want to listen to this entire video. On this channel, you're going to find lots of resources to help you break free from chemsex and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermath Here on this channel as well. I drop a long-form video just like this every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell so you don't miss anything. By the way, if you're interested, I have a one-on-one coaching and a group coaching program called Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly one-on-one sessions, weekly group sessions, and daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months than it does right now. One of the greatest gifts crystal amphetamine, methamphetamine gave me was understanding my boundaries. I wasn't shown boundaries as a child. I never knew how to create boundaries as an adult. And in my active meth use, that gap in understanding was exploited by the chemical. For example, when somebody asked me what I was into sexually, I would answer with another question. What are you into? I was into what you were into. I was so fixated on being accepted by everyone around me. I didn't have any boundaries. I never learned what I liked, what I disliked. I was at the mercy of my own emotions, never being able to stand up for myself. Literally, my personality in life shifted. No grounding, no structure. Once in recovery, I had the opportunity to define who I was, what I wanted, and most importantly, what I didn't want in my life. Those who I confided in about my boundary setting centered their discussion around other people's actions in my life, how to make boundaries about them. I was extremely focused on trying to blame and control the behavior of others. I was missing the most important element of boundary setting, the ones we make to ourselves. The uncomfortable truth that nobody wants to hear, and it's gonna sting, is that the biggest boundary violation in your life isn't what your parents did to you, what your ex did to you, what the strangers on Grindr expect from you. It's what you're doing to yourself every single day. Here's what the research shows. And what I observe in most of the clients that come to me, when you let someone violate your boundaries, you are in effect violating your own boundaries. You are the one abandoning yourself. You are the one committing the betrayal, and crystal meth has been your accomplice in this betrayal all along. And once this accomplice has been removed, or at least muffled, it is time to take full responsibility for the landscape of your life. The gay man is so good, he has a— he could put on a masterclass in self-abandonment. So let's talk about why we get so good at abandoning yourself. Research shows that concealment of others— of your homosexuality is a significant source of stress for gay men, requiring them to constantly monitor their behavior in all circumstances. How they dress, speak, walk, talk, Become constant sources of possible discovery. Think about what that means. From the moment you realized you were different, probably 10, 11, 12, or younger, or whatever, you started a daily practice of self-betrayal. You learned to monitor every gesture for signs of gayness, edit your voice, your laugh, your mannerisms, fake interest in girls while dying inside, sit through homophobic jokes and smile, watch your family discuss those people and stay silent, perform a version of yourself that was acceptable. To survive. It isn't about just violating the boundaries. This was about destroying all boundaries. Psychologists call this self-infiltration. When you believe you're doing something, when we believe we're doing something we want to do, but have unconsciously chosen to do something at the bidding of others. We think we're doing it because we want to, whether it's our choice, but It's actually because of others. When we're out of touch with ourselves, we risk allowing others to manipulate our thoughts. Psychology Today also says that you become so good at being who others needed you to be that you forgot who you actually were. You developed what's called a false self, an identity acceptable to your family, Your church, your straight friends, your society, and you shamed the real you into hiding. Proximal minority stressors, including internalized homonegativity, anticipation of rejection, and concealment of sexual identity, lead to depression and anxiety, with shame and lack of self-forgiveness mediating the relationships. But here's the part that really messed with my head. It didn't stop when I came out. And I bet it didn't stop when you came out. By the way, I help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex and become their best and highest selves. My one-on-one coaching, Recovery Alchemy, is a 6-month intense program that can literally change your life. And I accept 2 new clients a month. You can apply in the show notes. All right. So let's talk about from the family closet to the gay community cage. You came out, you found your people, you thought you could finally be yourself, and then you discovered a whole new set of rules about who you're supposed to be. Research on the gay community stress shows that men who are feminine presenting, larger bodied, or lower income report higher levels of stress from status-based competition within the mainstream gay community. Experiencing body surveillance and shame that mediate the relationship between gay community stress, psychological distress, and addiction. Suddenly, you needed to have the right body— muscular but not too big, lean but not too thin— wear the right brands, go to the right parties, be sexually adventurous but not too slutty— top, bottom, verse, side— based on what's expected of your body type. Be masc enough to be desirable, be femme enough to be fun, know the right drugs to take at the right parties. This sounds familiar. You traded one false self for another, and crystal meth helped you perform that role perfectly. Crystal meth is your self-betrayal enabler. So let's get really explicit about what crystal has been doing for you. You use crystal to tolerate sex you don't actually want. How many times have you said yes to sexual situations sober that you would've rejected? How many times has crystal helped you override the no screaming inside you. Become the person others want you to be. Crystal transforms you into the sexually insatiable, uninhibited, party-ready version that gets you the validation you're so desperate for. It's the ultimate false self amplifier. Numb the pain of chronic self-abandonment. Every time you violate your own boundaries, you feel it in crystal meth, Helps you not. That sick feeling in your stomach, that shame, that self-disgust, crystal makes all that go away temporarily. It helps you avoid feeling your actual feelings. When you are unaware of your inner state, we are vulnerable to self-infiltration and more likely to confuse others' motives as being our own motive. Crystal keeps you disconnected from what you actually feel. Want and need. Here's the other thing. Your boundaries are your feelings. If something feels wrong, bad, uncomfortable, or off, that's your boundary being violated. But Crystal has taught you to ignore those feelings entirely, entirely, or not feel them at all. It's numbing, right? It's an anesthetic. Since you learned early that having needs and boundaries was not acceptable, You developed what's called the COVID boundary pattern. This is manipulation, but it's not intentional manipulation from you. It's not in a malicious kind. It's what happens when you feel like you can't meet your needs directly, so you have to meet them indirectly. So some examples in, in some gay men's lives. Marcus, he grew up in a religious family where being gay was unacceptable. His truth was, I'm gay. And I want to date men, but that couldn't be stated directly. So what did his subconscious do? He gained 80 pounds. His body enforced the boundary covertly. If I'm unattractive, men won't approach me, and I won't have to face the conflict between my truth and my family's expectations. Now, at 35, substance-free for two years, he can't lose weight no matter what he tries. Why? Because his subconscious still believes that it is only safe to. to stay in that state. How about James? He came out at 19, moved to the city, joined the gay scene. His truth was, I want emotional intimacy and commitment, not just hookups. But that felt shameful and needy in a community that valorized casual sex. So what did he do? He developed a pattern of emotional meltdowns and neediness that drove every potential boyfriend away. His covert boundary is, if I make relationships impossible, I won't have to admit I want something in this community that it devalues. I need time alone to recharge. I'm an introvert who finds the party scene exhausting. Conflicted with the expectation that the good gay men are social, fun, party-ready, he couldn't say this directly, so he developed chronic mystery illnesses that forced him to cancel plans. His body enforced the boundary that he couldn't voice. Your body will do this. And when you betray yourself by not having boundaries, you override your instincts and put yourself in situations where you get hurt, staying in abusive relationships or returning to relationships that didn't work out without doing the transformational work necessary. And here's the most painful part. These covert patterns make you feel crazy. You feel broken and you feel outta control. You hate yourself for the weight you can't lose, the relationships you sabotage, the plans you cancel. The way your body feels. You use crystal to escape all of that. You use crystal to escape all the self-hatred, which creates more self-betrayal, which creates more shame. See the cycle? Again, your feelings are your boundaries. Despite what you were taught, setting boundaries isn't complicated once you understand this. Your boundaries are identical to your feelings, not what you think you should feel. Not what would be reasonable to feel, not what your therapist, your sponsor, your friends think you should feel, what you actually feel. And if it feels bad, your boundary's being violated. And if it feels wrong, your boundary's being violated. And if it feels uncomfortable, your boundary's being violated. Your feelings will always tell you when a boundary's being crossed. The problem is you stopped listening to your feelings decades ago. You were taught that how you felt was either Not how you actually felt. You're not really upset. Or not okay to feel. Stop being so sensitive. Or less important than others' comfort. Don't make a scene. Don't make us all uncomfortable. When you betray yourself, you're not speaking up for yourself. You're not expressing your needs. You're not sharing your opinions or honoring your true feelings. Nobody else gets to tell you, by the way, what your boundaries should be. Not your family, not the gay community, not your friends, not the guy you're hooking up with, not even your recovery coach. Only you know what feels right for you, and only you can access that internal knowing. So here's a path back, right? We're going from self-betrayal to self-trust. Here's a hard truth: why you don't trust yourself. Self-betrayal is a type of fawn response, a coping strategy that kept you safe in the moment as a child, but it may no longer serve you as an adult. Often it develops when you believed it was the only way to stay connected to caregivers. Break your boundaries. You watch yourself make decisions that don't feel good. You watch yourself act in ways that don't represent who you really are. You watch yourself override your intuition again and again. And of course, you don't trust yourself. You're untrustworthy to yourself. The only way to rebuild self-trust is to start honoring how you actually feel, not strategically, not when it's convenient, not when it won't cause conflict. All the time, even when it's hard, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. This means saying no when you mean no, even if it disappoints somebody. Saying yes when you mean yes, even when it seems weird or uncool. Leaving situations that feel wrong, even mid-hookup. Choosing alone time when you need it, even when FOMO's screaming at you. Expressing anger. Sadness, fear when they arise, even when it doesn't seem appropriate. Admitting what you want, even when it contradicts your image. The research backs this up. To heal from self-betrayal, we need to reconnect with our true selves by facing the parts we've denied, listening to our intuition, setting those boundaries, and taking small steps toward living in line With our values. Here's what you need to understand. Healthy boundaries aren't about resisting what you don't want. That's why most people see boundaries as rigid or negative. Healthy boundaries are about following what you do want, following your happiness, following your feelings, following your truth. It's not, I won't let people treat me like shit. That's resistance-based. Focus on what you don't want. I choose situations and people that feel good to me. That's alignment-based. Focus on what you do want. The first keeps you in constant battle mode, always defending, always reactive. The second lets you be proactive, creative, and aligned. Here's the bottom line. You cannot have recovery, real deep lasting recovery, without learning to honor your boundaries. And you cannot honor boundaries you don't even know you have because you're so disconnected from your feelings. Crystal meth was never really about the high. It was about escaping the unbearable pain of chronic self-abandonment. It was about numbing the constant internal scream that happens when you violate yourself over and over and over. And every gay man I work with has spent decades perfecting that art of self-betrayal. You had to. It kept you alive. It kept you connected to your family. It helped you survive. It helped you from being seen, from being ridiculed. But what kept you alive as a kid is killing you as an adult. The most radical thing you can do in recovery is this: start listening to how you actually feel and then honor it every single time. Not when it's convenient, not when it won't cause conflict, not when it feels good, not when you've done enough shadow work to deserve it. Now, today, this moment. Your recovery depends on it. Your life depends on it. Because here's the truth nobody told you: you'll never be substance-free and happy while chronically abandoning yourself. It's not possible. The pain of self-betrayal will always be out, will always be too great to bear. Without something to numb it. The pain of self-betrayal will always be too great to bear without something to numb it. Want to know if you're making progress? Don't count days. Count how many times per day you honor your actual feelings over what you think you should feel. That's the real metric. Hope that helps, guys, and I'll see you next week.