Validation Isn't the Problem (its the solution)

Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of crystal meth or chemsex and live their best and highest life. Today we're talking about breaking free from the approval addiction and more specifically, how seeking validation is not a bad thing. If that's music to your ears, I want you to keep watching for the whole video. On this channel, you're going to find lots of resources for help you to help you from breaking free from Tina or chemsex and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast. It's called The Aftermath Podcast here on this channel as well. I'll drop a long-form video just like this one every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell and subscribe to the channel so you don't miss anything. By the way, if you're interested, I have a one-on-one coaching and a group coaching program. It's called Recovery Alchemy. Through one-on-one sessions or weekly group sessions and daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months than it does now. Now, this is part 3 of our 4-part series, Breaking Free from the Approval Trap. You can find the link to part 1 and part 2 in the show notes. Next week, we're gonna explore the daily practices that sustain Marcus's, the client we've been talking about in all of these series, his transformation and what keep him thriving in substance-free life. So Marcus discovers this week his hidden truth. Marcus at this point is 6 weeks into working with me in recovery Alchemy, and he's frustrated as hell. And he says, I get it now. I get it. His face was tight and red with tension. He's on the call with me. I see how desperate I am for validation. I understand it came from my childhood. I know it's connected to my crystal use. So why can't I just stop? We're talking about seeking validation. It can be just as addicting and frustrating as crystal meth addiction. He'd spent the past week prior to our meeting trying to white-knuckle his way through his approval addiction. No checking apps, no fishing for compliments, no performing at work meetings. He was going to be completely self-sufficient, independent, needing nothing from anyone. It lasted 3 days before he crashed hard, checking Grindr compulsively, right? Posting multiple thirst traps on social media, nearly relapsing when the validation didn't come to him fast enough. I feel like I failed, he says. Like I'm just as pathetic as before. And that's the moment. That's the moment I keep waiting for because this is where real transformation begins. So I say, Marcus, what if you're not supposed to eliminate your need for validation? What if the goal isn't to stop needing it, it's to need it differently? And his face changes. He's a little confused. And then something like relief, right? So he is like, what do you mean? So here's what I mean. It, it's a paradox, right? This is a paradox that most recovery programs are not gonna get deep down into enough. And here's what traditional recovery, where they get it catastrophically wrong. They tell you that needing validation is weakness or a character defect, that dependency on other people's approval is pathology. That real recovery means becoming completely self-sufficient, not caring what anyone thinks. But that approach does 2 damaging things. First, it creates shame about having a very human need to be validated. You start judging yourself for wanting connection, approval, recognition, all the things that are actually hardwired into our nervous system as social mammals. Second, it usually creates a pendulum swing. You go from desperately seeking validation to rigidly refusing it, from people pleasing to isolation, from performing for everybody to connecting with nobody. Neither extreme is freedom. Both are prisons. The truth is paradoxical. You can't eliminate your need for validation. You just can't, and you shouldn't try. What you need is to transform your relationship with that need. It's moving from unconscious compulsion to a conscious choice. You are choosing the validation, how you get it, and what it does to serve you. This is how— what I do to help Marcus understand, and it changed everything for him. You understand the hidden positive intention. So listen, every behavior, no matter how destructive it looks, originally served a positive function. Your approval-seeking wasn't pathology, it was strategy. It wasn't your brilliant young mind's— it was your brilliant young mind's attempt to solve an impossible problem, right? So I asked Marcus, let's go deeper. Why do you seek approval? He says, to feel good about myself. And why do you need to feel good about yourself? So I feel worthy. Worthy, lovable. And why do you need to feel lovable? Very long pause. He starts to cry a little bit, get emotional. So I know I won't be abandoned. So I know I'm safe. I have to feel lovable by others to feel safe. There it is. The hidden positive intention beneath decades of approval-seeking behavior. He wasn't seeking validation because he was Shallow or vain or weak or high maintenance or insecure. He was seeking it because his young nervous system learned that approval equals survival. Love equals safety. Validation means you won't be left alone to die. That 8-year-old boy we mentioned before who learned his mother's love was conditional, he was just trying to stay alive the only way he knew how. When Marcus sees this, something's gonna shift in his body. For the first time, he feels compassion for his validation addiction instead of shame. That little kid wasn't pathetic, he says. He was doing the best he could. Exactly. So let's talk about the integration approach versus the elimination approach when it comes to validation. Most recovery programs operate on an elimination model. Identify the problem behavior and then stop doing it. Approval seeking is bad, so stop seeking approval is what they tell you. Crystal makes you feel confident, so stay away from situations where you'd want confidence. But this creates an internal war. Part of you desperately needs validation because that need is real and it is valid, while another part of you judges. harshly yourself for having that need. I have the need, it's an innate need, and then I judge myself for having it. You're constantly fighting with yourself, using willpower to suppress a natural human desire. It's exhausting and it doesn't work long-term. The integration approach, that's what's radically different here. It's instead of eliminating your need for validation, You understand where it came from and why it made sense. Identify what need it was really trying to meet. And then you find healthier ways to meet that underlying need. That's integration. You make conscious choices about when and how to seek external validation. You still do it, but you are in charge. Are developing the capacity To validate yourself. That's the key. Notice what's different here. You're not at war with yourself. You're working with your needs. You're not trying to suppress them. You're working with them instead of against them. So Marcus is learning to ask himself, what is my approval seeking really trying to give me right in this moment? Sometimes it's trying to give him safety. Sometimes he feels uncomfortable, the feeling that he wants to feel acceptable. He won't be rejected. Sometimes it's trying to give him connection, the sense that he seems to want to matter to somebody, that he's seen by somebody. Remember his story about his dad? Sometimes it's trying to give him evidence of his own worth and proof that he's desirable, he's valuable, he's enough. When he can name the underlying need, then he can choose how to meet it. And sometimes Often, actually, he can give it to himself. So healthy versus unhealthy validation. Not all validation is created equal. This is crucial for you to understand. Be set free by this. Unhealthy validation comes from strangers who don't know you on Grindr. It's based entirely on appearance or performance. It feels like that hit that wears off quickly. Creating a craving for more, right? It requires you to hide parts of yourself so that you maintain it. This is the validation Marcus was chasing on the apps. Dozens of guys responding to his shirtless pics, none of them knowing or caring about who he actually was. It felt good for about 30 seconds, and then it left him feeling emptier than before. Healthy validation comes from people who genuinely know and accept you, affirms your authentic self, not just what you do. It feels grounding and stabilizing in your body, doesn't create desperate dependency, and it's reciprocal. You can give it as freely as you receive it. That's a big sign. Marcus realizes in our work together that he has 3 friends Who give him this kind of validation. They know about his crystal use, his struggles, his background, his fears. They tell him he's doing well. It actually lands in his nervous system. It actually means something. It lands as truth. So the work isn't to stop seeking validation. It is to get strategic about the kind you pursue and the sources you trust. So here is what Marcus's whole breakthrough was. I teach Marcus a practice that becomes transformative for him. It's called the 90-second rule. When he feels the urge to seek validation, to check Grindr, to fish for compliments, get on Instagram to perform for attention, he just stops, sets a timer on his phone for 90 seconds, and he just feels the discomfort in his body. It feels like he's glitching. Research shows that an emotion Left alone, moves through your nervous system in about 90 seconds. The only reason it lasts longer is that we keep retriggering it with our thoughts or trying to make it go away with behaviors. The first time Marcus tries this, he's shocked. The desperate need to check his phone, the anxiety, the glitching in his system, the sense that he must know if somebody's noticing him, it peaks Around 45 seconds, and then starts to decrease. By 90 seconds, he can actually choose whether to open the app or not open the app. He's no longer compelled. He has a choice. Still uncomfortable, he says, but it's bearable. Like, I can sit with it now. I'm making the choice, not my subconscious. This is everything. This is the difference between addiction and freedom. The ability to feel uncomfortable feelings without immediately acting like you have to make 'em go away. You learn to meet your own needs. The most revolutionary part of all of this, of Marcus's transformation, is he's learning to self-validate. This is a skill that he's going to take with him for the rest of his life. And at first it feels ridiculous, right? I'm supposed to tell myself I'm doing a good job, right? Isn't that narcissistic? No. It's parenting yourself. It's giving you what you didn't get. It's giving yourself what your parents didn't give you. Every morning, Marcus writes down 3 things that he validates about himself. Not accomplishments, they're not performance-based stuff. Qualities, ways he showed up as himself that day. I was honest in a difficult conversation. I let myself feel sadness instead of numbing it. I chose to work out for my health, not for the picture on Instagram. The first week, it feels like he's lying to himself, but he stays with it. By week 3, something begins to shift. He notices that his baseline sense of worth feels more stable. He's not as desperate for external validation because he's getting some of it from himself. It's not that he doesn't need others anymore. He does. That's healthy. That's normal. But he's not completely dependent on them. He has a foundation. So think about the apps, conscious choice versus compulsion. Marcus doesn't delete Grindr. Not every single man in the program has to. This surprises him because he thought what recovery would require is for him to delete Grindr. And most of the time it does. But I teach him something different, conscious choice. Before opening the app, he asks himself, what am I really seeking right now? Can I give myself what I'm seeking Without this app? If I choose to open it, am I doing so consciously or compulsively? Sometimes he realizes that he's seeking validation because he feels lonely in that moment. Maybe it's Friday night and there's no one around, so he texts a friend instead, a friend that loves him, a friend that already meets, already validates him, already accepts him. Connection is met, but in a healthier way. And sometimes he realizes it's he's seeking sexual release. If he's seeking sexual release, he wants to open the app consciously, knowing his intention, protecting his sobriety, and not measuring his worth by the responses he gets, go right ahead. Sometimes he realizes he's trying to escape uncomfortable feelings by getting on the app, so he sits with the feelings for 90 seconds instead. The apps don't control him anymore. He controls how and when he uses them. This is freedom. Not the absence of desire, not the absence of needing validation, but the presence of choice. So what does integration look like? 3 months into working together, Marcus has a moment that captures all of his transformation. He's at a work meeting. Presentation didn't go very well, right? Again, his boss gives him the lukewarm feedback. Everybody's staring at him. The old Marcus would've spiraled immediately, just like he did in part 1, if you want to listen to that. Into shame, convinced he was failing, desperate to do something, anything to get approval and improve his worth. And he will jump on this, right? But this Marcus pauses. He feels the shame in his body, tightness in his chest, heat in his face. He doesn't try to make it go away. He just notices it. And he asks himself, what's the story my mind is telling me right now? What is true and what's a story? That I'm not good enough, that I'm going to get fired. Everybody thinks I'm incompetent. Where's the proof? Is that story true? And he looks at the evidence. His boss gave him constructive feedback. He didn't condemn him. His colleagues seemed engaged, even if they weren't really enthusiastic. He's had positive reviews in the past. These are all tangible proof. So that story isn't true. The story is my validation wound is now speaking. I need that dopamine hit. Then this is the integration. He validates himself. I prepared, prepared well for the presentation. I showed up. I did my best. My worth is not determined by the reactions of the people in the room. The shame begins to decrease a little bit, not because he sought external validation, but he gave it to himself. And here's what's wild. Later that day, his boss sends him an email with additional thoughts about the presentation, including several compliments on the work. The validation came, but Marcus doesn't need it the way he used to. It's nice. It's affirming, but it's not necessary. He took care of the wound himself. That's freedom. He didn't have to run to a meeting either. The sobriety connection here is that he is now 8 months substance-free, the longest he's ever been. And he still gets triggered by validation wounds. He's going to for the rest of his life. Moments when he doesn't get the approval he wants, his nervous system is still gonna scream. It's still going to think he's in danger, but he has the tools now. He knows the feeling is temporary. He knows that it's the validation wound, not reality. He knows he can feel it without using. He knows he can validate himself. He knows he can reach out to his support system. But most importantly, he knows that using crystal is never going to actually solve the validation problem. It will only delay The inevitable. It will make it worse. It will delay dealing with the feeling of needing validation. That's what he's been running from. The wound that drove him to Crystal is healing. That wound is still going to be there once he stops. That wound is what Crystal numbed. So it's not because he eliminated his need for validation. But because he learned to meet that need in healthier ways. So in our final video next week, we're going to explore how Marcus takes everything he's learned and builds a sustainable life in recovery and beyond. And we'll look at the practical daily practices that keep him substance-free and authentically connected. And we'll see how he navigates relationships, sex, and social situations from this new place of integrated awareness, because knowledge is only the beginning, right? There's knowing and then there's doing. Transformation happens in the practice, in the doing, in the daily choices to feel, to feel rather than numb, to validate yourself rather than desperately seeking it from others, to choose conscious choice over compulsion. Marcus is learning to live free, and so can you. Remember, your validation addiction made sense. It makes sense. It served you up until now, and now with integration, rather than trying to eliminate it, you can transform it into something that actually nourishes. rather than depletes you. You're not eliminating your need for connection or— fine and healthy. You're learning to meet those needs in ways that support your recovery and your authentic self. All right. Should I keep going? I love you. I will see you next week.