Dallas Bragg describes the bargaining phase of addiction recovery, where he repeatedly convinces himself he can use meth recreationally with arbitrary limits like once a month or only on vacation. Each rationalization fails and leads to relapse.
After some time being meth-free, I would convince myself that I was strong enough to use meth recreationally. Many milestones— I got to many milestones and relapsed because I thought I was strong enough. I thought I could negotiate. I tried to fit so many different variables in place. I'm going to use once a month. I'm only going to use on vacation. I'm only going to use with so-and-so. Nothing ever worked for me. How are you bargaining? It might sound like, if I just stay friends with these guys but don't use, I can keep the community. If I just see my dealer once to say goodbye, I can have closure. If I just go to one party sober, I can have sex and prove that I have control and I don't have to use. Tried that one. If I can be one of those guys who uses recreationally, who can handle it once in a while, I can maintain my relationships, job, and my dignity. Bargaining is looking for every possible loophole, every exception, every way you might be different from the other guys who could not moderate. Bargaining is the compromise your mind offers you when you realize you can't have— you cannot have both the chemsex life and your freedom.
