In this monologue, recovery coach Dr. Dallas Bragg addresses why gay men struggling with crystal meth continue using despite conscious intentions to quit. He explains that human desire operates on two levels: surface wanting (rational, goal‑oriented) and deep wanting (primal, survival‑based). Deep wanting is rooted in childhood programming and an internal identity that equates worth with perfection, leading to self‑judgment and addiction. Bragg argues that traditional recovery methods reinforce this judgment, which fuels the behavior. He proposes a shift from judgment to curiosity and compassion, treating the behavior as a teacher rather than an enemy, and likens the psyche to software that can be re‑programmed. The video promotes his podcast “The Aftermath” and his coaching program “Recovery Alchemy,” but the core message is that updating the underlying identity narrative enables lasting recovery without reliance on willpower alone.
Chapters
Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of crystal meth and live their best and highest life. Today we are addressing a question I get very often and one that I've asked myself over the years. Why do I do the things I don't want to do? And in our case, why do I keep using meth when I really don't want to? If you relate to that, I want you to keep watching. On this channel, you're going to find lots of resources to help you break free from Tina and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look at my podcast. It's called The Aftermath. It's here on this channel as well, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. I also drop a long-form video like this every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell and subscribe to my channel so you don't miss any content. By the way, if you're interested, I have a one-on-one coaching program that also includes group coaching. It's called Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly one-on-one sessions with me, weekly group sessions, a session with my assistant coach, and daily accountability, your life could look much differently in 6 months than it does right now. It can feel maddening when you are trying to quit using meth. Each day, each hour, each second feels like you are a different version of yourself. You don't want to use, you want to use. You hate meth, you'll stop at nothing until you have meth. You have a stellar day of feeling happy and accomplished, and then that evening you're driving to the guy's house to party. You know this dance very intimately. The conscious mind making declarations while something deeper is pulling the strings. Today I want to explore why this happens and more importantly, how understanding it can set you free. If you've ever wondered why your actions don't match your intentions, why willpower feels like pushing water uphill, or why you keep returning to behaviors that you consciously know aren't serving you, this video is for you. So let's talk about this great divide. There are 2 kinds of wanting. So here's what I've learned about the human desire. We operate from 2 completely different levels of wanting. And most of us don't even know it. Surface wanting is what we consciously declare. I want to be healthy. I want meaningful relationships. I want to be happy. I want to be abstinent from meth. This is the voice of our evolved rational mind, the part that reads books, makes plans, and genuinely desires growth. Deep wanting is the primal, reactive, and rooted in survival. That's the part that says, I need to feel accepted at any cost. I need to escape this feeling right now. I need meth because it is my only escape. That is not rational and it doesn't care about your 5-year plan. The problem isn't that we have deep wanting. It's that we're unconscious of it existing. So therein lies the first error of many meth users that I work with. Demonizing or villainizing their deep wanting instead of welcoming it in. You want to observe the deep wanting. You want to learn about the deep wanting. You want to love the deep wanting. It's there for your survival. It's there to protect you. When somebody offers you Tina and you say yes, despite being committed to your recovery, this is not weakness. You're responding to a deeper program that equates fitting in With survival, or one that sees refusing as social death. Understanding this isn't about judging yourself. It's about being aware that it exists. There's a big difference here. The moment you can see these 2 levels operating, you gain the power to choose which one drives your decisions. You have to be aware that they exist. So here's your identity behind all the behavior. The behaviors we can't seem to change are not random. They're perfect expressions of who we believe ourselves to be at our deepest level, the shadow. Every time you say, this is the last time I'll ever use meth, there's a subtext to that. If you were eating a bowl of delicious strawberries You wouldn't say, this strawberry is the last one I'll ever have. Because strawberries aren't labeled bad or negative in your internal programming and in this culture. But with meth use, there's an implicit judgment. What I'm doing is bad, therefore I am bad for doing it. I know this is a stretch. I know it's difficult to conceive. But you aren't bad for using meth. This is the real addiction. Not to the substance, but to an identity that's built on limitation, inadequacy, and unworthiness. I deserve to use meth. The cycle you're in started in childhood when you learned that you were not enough. Something was not right about you. You had to reject it. Using meth has been the qualifier to prove your beliefs. The crystal meth and compulsive behaviors are just symptoms. The real program running underneath might sound like, I'm fundamentally flawed. I don't belong anywhere. I'm not worthy of love unless I'm perfect. I'm the bad one in every situation. When you believe that already, you're going to keep using meth. These aren't conscious thoughts though. They're deeper than that. They're the operating system your psyche is running on, and it was installed during childhood and then reinforced throughout your years of experience. Here's the thing: long as this programming exists, your behaviors will perfectly align with them, no matter what your conscious mind declares, no matter what treatment center you attend, therapist you see, coaching program you join. Here's the trap that's keeping you stuck. This is where most recovery approaches are getting it backwards. They focus on changing the behavior while reinforcing the very judgment that created the behavior in the first place. Every time you shame yourself or get shamed for using, every I'm so weak, I'm such a failure, you're actually feeding that core identity that drives the behavior. Judgment is the fuel of addiction, not the solution to it. Think about this: when you feel fundamentally bad about yourself, what do you naturally want to do? You want to escape that feeling. And what's the most reliable escape route you can think of? Exactly. The revolutionary approach is to remove judgment from the equation entirely. It doesn't mean accepting harmful behaviors. It means understanding that the behavior exists for a reason, and that reason deserves compassion, not total criticism from you. When you can look at your patterns with genuine curiosity rather than judgment, rather than condemnation, when you can ask, what is this behavior trying to give me, instead of why am I so messed up, everything about your life and your recovery Changes. You stop being the victim of your own unconscious programming and you become the conscious observer and driver of it. This shift from judgment to curiosity is where real transformation begins. It's the difference between white-knuckling through your recovery and genuinely evolving beyond the need to escape, beyond recovery. You evolve beyond ever even thinking about meth. It doesn't become a part of your daily life. You don't have to go to meetings. So here's the plot twist of all of this. The moment you stop trying to fix yourself, you naturally begin to heal. You accept how you are. When you stop judging your behaviors, they lose their power over you. When you treat your struggles with compassion instead of criticism, they transform from your enemy To your teacher. You're not broken. You're not weak. You're not fundamentally flawed. You do not— you are not defective. You are a human being operating from programming that was installed when you were too young to question it, and that programming is just software. It can be updated. The behaviors you want to change aren't evidence of your inadequacy. They're evidence of your humanity. Every single person reading this and watching this has parts of themselves they're not proud of, patterns they wish they could change, moments where their actions don't match their values. The difference is how you react, respond to those parts of yourself. With judgment, they stay in the shadows, running your life from the unconscious. With compassion and curiosity, they come into the light where you can begin to transform them. Your recovery isn't about becoming somebody else. It's about removing the false stories that you've been hiding that's been blocking your true self all along. I hope that helps. If it does or if it doesn't, comment. Let me know. Let me know what you think. Share this video, please. Like, share, comment. I really appreciate you helping the algorithm. I'll see you next week.
