You're Lying to Everyone

Hey there, Dr. Dallas Bragg here, recovery coach for gay men who want to break free from the addictive patterns of crystal meth and live their best and highest life. Today we are talking about the difference between radically accepting your current situation in recovery or bypassing the hard work that's required in recovery. How can you tell which one you are doing and is it preventing you from being Tina free? So on this channel, you'll find lots of resources to help you break free from Tina, and attain your best and highest self. Also, don't forget to look for my podcast called The Aftermath Podcast. It's here on my channel as well. I drop a long-form video like this every Saturday, so please turn on the notification bell, subscribe to this channel so you don't miss any of these videos. By the way, if you are interested in my one-on-one coaching program, it's called Recovery Alchemy. The link to apply is in the show notes. Through weekly one-on-one sessions, weekly group sessions, and daily accountability, your life could look much differently than it does now in only 6 months. All right. So let me ask you a question. Ever listen to the labels we give ourselves? Like, I am a morning person. I am not a reader. I am just not a foodie. When did we accept who, what we are in those labels? And what point did we accept our role? In life. Because I used to say that I do not like to camp. I am not a camper. But years later, after a friend talked me into going camping a few times, I realized what I had been missing. I loved it. I was basing my personality traits on some bad experiences with my father. That trauma became my identity. I closed myself off from experiencing certain joys in my life just because I decided I'm not a camper. Many men are accepting their unhealthy habits or their personality traits as unmovable, and they're accepting them as excuses to avoid creating new behaviors. And more than that, they slap the trendy term of radical acceptance on their blind spot as a justification for not working on the behaviors. There's a massive difference between radically accepting What is, and blatantly bypassing the work. Bypassing happens when we avoid the heavy lifting needed to make the changes that is required in recovery. Abstinence from meth isn't given to you without some sort of painful lifting, right? That is something that you'll have to accept radically. So in case you're wondering if you might be blurring the lines between Radical acceptance and bypassing. Here are 5 questions that should set you straight, as well as an actionable exercise at the end. By the way, I do help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex or Tina and become their best and highest selves. My one-on-one coaching is called Recovery Alchemy, and it's a 6-month intense program that can literally change your life. I accept 2 new clients per month. You can apply here in the show notes. All right, so let me ask you a question again. Are you a liar? That's your first question. Am I a liar? Let's talk about something that might make your stomach clench a little bit. The lies that we've told, all the lies that we tell in chemsex or Tina use to our families, to our friends, our dealers, our hookups. Everything's a lie, right? I used to have a secret name. I used to have a secret job. I mean, everything was a lie. The lies about what, where we were last night, to our family, why we needed money, and why we're totally fine now. But those weren't even the biggest lies, were they? The real masterpiece of deception that we created has been the stories we've told ourselves. The stories, the ones we crafted in those quiet moments when the shame felt like it might swallow us whole. I'm not really gay. Or, I only hook up with guys when I'm high. Or, my use isn't that bad. I still have my job. I can't be an addict. I don't have addictive patterns. I have a prescription for Adderall. This is just how gay men party. It's part of the culture. I can limit my use to one day. I'm not like them. Each lie was a brick in the wall that we built between ourselves And the reality until we can't even see reality, right? Each deception is a bandaid over the bleeding truth of who we are and what we've been running from. And then we forget who we are completely and never— and so out of touch with it. You've become so comfortable with lying that you no longer know what is true. You're now lying about things that are inconsequential. The lies spew before you can even think about it. And now you are creating a lie to avoid putting in the hard work that recovery demands to get away from crystal meth. So have you said, that's just how I am? I see how tempting it is to wrap yourself in this blanket of, this is just who I am. It's really warm in there, isn't it? It's familiar. It's safe. When the thought of writing in a journal makes your hands start to shake, or when the idea of a regular sleep schedule feels like climbing Mount Everest, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and say, well, that just isn't me. But let's get real for a moment, because when we say I can't keep a regular sleep schedule. Well, I can't sleep, say sleep today. When we say I can't keep a regular sleep schedule, or I'll never be organized enough to journal, what we're really saying is I'm scared of what might happen if I try and I fail. Or maybe I'm terrified of who I might become if I do succeed. You have to really think about, do you really want to quit crystal meth, or are you just doing it because it's what you're supposed to do? You know, you're conceding the fight before you even enter the ring, to give a sports analogy. Guys, the skills we are learning in early recovery to reprogram our subconscious are not just for abstinence. We are building the infrastructure. For a new life and for a true and real identity, a new way of living, a better and higher version of ourselves. The ability to look at a learned behavior and overwrite it to be something we created for ourselves. That's a life-changing skill. That's not temporary. This is your entire future, not just quitting Tina. I know it's scary, but so is being stuck in a meth loop forever, right? Number 2, do you know what radical acceptance means? Let's get crystal clear, LOL, about radical acceptance. Really, what does it really mean? Because this shit is too important for you to get wrong. Radical acceptance isn't a comfortable blanket we wrap around our wounds. to avoid feeling them. It's not a get out of growth free card we flash, you know, like when change feels too hard and it's something that it hurts, it's uncomfortable. It's not permission to stay stuck where you are. Real radical acceptance is revolutionary because it's about seeing everything, the beauty, the brutal, The relapse, and all the mess in between without flinching, without lamenting, right? It's saying, yes, my childhood left me with trust issues, and that made meth feel like my only reliable friend. That doesn't mean I cannot change that. That doesn't mean that that's just who I am. Yes, trauma taught me to stay awake all night because sleep Sleep felt dangerous. Or yes, I developed habits that helped me survive, but they aren't serving me anymore. But here's where it gets a little deeper. Radical acceptance means holding 2 truths at once. One, this is where I am right now, and fighting against this current reality only creates more suffering before it gets better. And 2, This moment isn't permanent, and accepting where I am actually frees me to move forward. That's the point. Radical acceptance doesn't mean you stay where you are. So we, in recovery terms, radical acceptance says, my meth use was a response to deep pain and unmet needs. That's the truth of where I've been. Radical avoidance says, Using meth is just who I am, and these behaviors that have got me here is just who I am. But somehow I'm going to quit Tina anyway. Why try to change? Or radical acceptance says my trauma responses kept me alive, and I can learn new ways to feel safe now. Radical avoidance says, or bypassing, I'm too traumatized to ever change. So I'll just accept being stuck. My parents fucked me up and I'll never survive. I'll never recover, right? Here's the paradox. True acceptance of where you are is what makes change possible. The change part is the difference here. Accept where you are. Take responsibility. No matter what happened, it's, it's yours now. Now you get, now you get to choose what to do with it. So when we stop using our energy to deny our reality or fight against our starting point, we can finally use that energy to move forward. So number 3, are you deceiving yourself? Here's the thing about lies. They are exhausting. Remember how much energy it took to keep all the stories straight, juggling like spinning plates, to remember which version of yourself are you presenting to which person? To maintain that careful, like, facade of everything's fine while your world is burning down behind you. I was there. Now you're telling yourself you can't change. Nothing has changed, you see. You're still, maybe you've been without Tina for a certain amount of time, but you're still acting like you're in it. You're saying that some parts of you are just fixed like concrete. But let's get really real here. You've already proven that you can change. You changed yourself into whatever person you needed to be to get what you needed, right? You changed your story depending on who you were talking to. You changed your entire perception of reality to justify staying in active meth use. So you can change. You're a master of transformation. You've just been using your powers for self-destruction instead of self-discovery. So the truth is we didn't start lying because we're bad people. We started lying because the truth felt too uncomfortable, too exposed, too raw. We lied about our sexuality because straight felt safer. We lied about our use because sober felt scarier. We lied about our potential because mediocrity felt more achievable than greatness, because we didn't feel like we deserved it. Here is the truth. If you are strong enough to handle your true reality, you are worthy of your own honesty, and you are capable of change. Not because I say so, but because you've already been changing your whole life. If I can change my personality from one person to the other, I can change and bring them all together. Change for the good. So now it's time to direct that power toward healing. Number 4, can you take one tiny step today? All right, so let's get really granular about what transformation actually does look like in real life. Because it's not about massive overnight changes. It's not about quitting Tina right away. It's about tiny rebellions against our old patterns. It's writing one sentence. It might be today sucked, and that's your journal entry for the whole day. That's fine. Just fucking write it down. Your hand might shake. Let it shake. It might take you 20 minutes to write those two words. Those are your words of victory. You did it. Anchor into that. Celebrate it. When you're trying to change your sleep hygiene, start with putting your phone down. 5 minutes earlier, just 5 minutes. Create a bedtime song, one song that signals to your body, hey, it's time to wind down. Put your pillowcase on fresh. You know, small acts of self-care matters. Whatever it is, do something small, right? If your goal is taking a walk every day, stand at your door for a minute. Just stand there. Just stand there looking out the door and then put on your shoes and then Go do whatever you were doing. One tiny step at a time. Those are wins. Then walk to the end of your driveway to get the mail. Tomorrow, do a little further. Look, each of these tiny actions is a little love letter to your future self. And here's something we don't talk about enough. Change isn't just about doing different things because you have to check a box. It's about becoming someone who does things differently. Every time you put your shoes by the door instead of tromping through the house, you're not just organizing your shoes. You're becoming someone who keeps promises to themselves. You're becoming somebody who's organized. Every tiny action is a vote for who you're becoming. Your trauma, your habits, and your past are all chapters in your story, but they're not the whole book. Radical acceptance isn't about accepting your limitations. It's about accepting your power to write the next chapter. So think about the next time you use the words I am and what you follow with them. I am what? Most of the time you start paying attention, I'll bet you're lying to yourself. I'll bet you're accepting some label or behavior as your identity. I'm clumsy. I'm not good with money. I'm dumb, right? Some identity that somebody else gave you. I'll bet you're selling out because it's too hard to be somebody different. It's too scary, right? So radically accept the fact that you can change and start today. All right, you ready for a little actionable exercise? And the question would, would you like to become more honest? So grab your journal or your phone or hell, grab a napkin. Whatever works, right? Sit with these. Number 1, what's one thing you've been accepting that's really just fear in disguise? What is one thing you've been accepting about yourself? And then when you think about changing that, what emotions come up? Probably fear, I'm guessing, but what emotions come up? And where do you feel those emotions in your body? That's number 1. Number 2. What's the smallest possible step you could take today that would feel like a tiny rebellion against your old self and your old patterns? And what's the story you tell yourself about why you can't take that step? What's the story you're telling yourself? What if that story isn't true? What if you took the opposite? Like if the story is, I'm just not organized. Do the opposite. I am an organized person. What does that feel like? What would that look like right now? What would an organized person do next? Number 3, look at your past and really look at it. What parts are you ready to accept ownership of? Not blame, not shame, just clean, clear ownership. What kind of power would that ownership give you if you stopped blaming everything else around you. All right. This is a good one. I hope you enjoy it. I'd like to hear from you. What did I miss? I think I only had 4 instead of 5. I don't remember, but you get the point. I'm not recording this again. So I hope you enjoyed it. I'd like to hear from you in the comments, or you can DM me. You can email me. I'm on every platform everywhere. Yeah, I'd like to hear from you. So until then, see you next week.