Dallas Bragg's friend returns to a gay bar two months sober. Before, he'd obsess over how he looked and what others thought. Now he just shows up, notices when he's performing, and stops. He realized he wasn't seeking anything. That's freedom.
He tells me about getting to a gay bar with his friends, his first time in that environment since getting substance-free. Opportunities to perform, seek validation, attention, that ever-present question of whether he was attractive or not, interesting enough, desirable enough. 2 months ago, I would've been checking myself in every reflection, adjusting my shirt, trying to make eye contact with the hottest guys in the room. I would've just not gone entirely because I knew I'd get triggered and I want to use. So I say, what was different this time? He says, I was just there. There, present, having actual conversations with my friends. When I caught myself starting to perform for somebody's attention, I paused and I asked myself the question, what am I really seeking right now? And I realized I wasn't seeking anything. I was actually okay just being me. For the first time in my life, I didn't need the room to validate me, to feel okay about me. What would that be like? This is what freedom looks like.
