The Loss We Carried | Our Ectopic Pregnancy Story

There are some conversations you prepare for, and then there are conversations that you truly not. Today's one of those conversations for us. This episode of Beneath the Surface Podcast is a very personal one, and one that me and my wife both share very near and dear to our hearts. We're sitting together for the first time, but not for the last time. But for something very important that we want to discuss. When we lost our first baby, this pregnancy loss was very impactful for us. It not only affected us emotionally, but physically too. And it definitely widened our eyes about the future and what we have with Haley. And just everything in between. So I would say let's get into it. So babe, so us talking about this is very impactful and I think it's very important for us to talk about it. Don't you think?

Yeah.

Um, do you wanna say anything before we dive into it?

Just some of the conversations we are going to be having are going to be Intense. If there's any viewers out there that have gone through miscarrying, ectopics, missed miscarriages, what have you, just take this video just as a stepping stone of It's not your fault. You are not alone in everything you're dealing with. But I personally want to make this with you today because it's October 4th and the month of October is Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. And like I said, if you know somebody that's gone through this, not this specific situation, but any sort of pregnancy loss, if you're going through it, if you're struggling getting pregnant, it, it's nothing is your fault. And you have people out there that are always going to be there, even if it's hard for you to Ask for help.

And we're not only doing that, but also we're not sharing this story because we have all the answers. We don't. Of course not. We don't. Uh, we're sharing it because we know how lonely it could be to go through this alone, but we're showing you guys that you guys are not alone, that we sympathize with you, we empathize with you, and we're mainly sharing it because also because we've gone through it. So with that said, we'll get into it. So how were you feeling up until the part where we found out that we were pregnant for the first time?

So the end, towards the end of August of 2022, I felt great. I felt on top of the world. But I started feeling kind of off, not so much for the sake of like, hey, like I'm not feeling like myself, more of the sake of like something. It, it felt like I was coming down with something. It felt something was weird, right?

Like, like you were like having a flu kind of thing or?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

But that was very, very early on. As we neared the end of August, I feel like that's when my kind of anxiety started to rise, not because of anything that was going on, but because something in my bones was telling me, hey, we, we can't tell you what's happening, but we can tell you that something is happening. So you need to be aware of that.

Like your intuition kind of thing. Okay. Yeah.

So I kind of kept that in mind and we were getting ready for Brennan's wedding. And I was at my former job, my last job, for about a, for like 13 months or so. And it was stressful. It was hard. It was scary. It was, it was a lot of things. So kind of as this, I guess I'll call it anxiety built, mm-hmm. There were symptoms that came along with it that kind of threw me off a bit.

What, what symptoms would you, would you care to explain?

Like, kind of, kind of, I, I, I felt a little dizzy. I felt a little lightheaded. I, there were things that were kind of making me nauseous, but not making me nauseous. My sense of smell heightened dramatically. In the first three weeks of September, and it just it was it was weird because I didn't know what was going on. I thought anxiety, stress—it it's all it's all encapsulated together, and you know stress throws you off. Stress Presents itself different ways, different for different situations, but I had no idea what was happening. But like, how, like, do you remember how I was during that time? Because—

I mean, it was kind of a blur for me, to be honest. 'Cause like, I was just going through the motions kind of thing. I was kind of like on autopilot. Sort of thing where like we were just, we were packing up our bags, ready to come up to Long Island for the, for the wedding with our 2 best friends at the time. And just like, just getting ready to go to a wedding and enjoy the weekend. And I didn't really think too much into it. I mean, I knew that if something was wrong, you would've told me or you would've like, but you, I would've figured it out. But the fact that like, Nothing out of the ordinary. So we're just like, okay, so let's make our merry way and everything. And that's what we did. And we all came up here and we all got, got ready and everything. And then next thing you know, it was like the evening of Bren and Beck's wedding and we were having a good time and my anxiety was through the roof.

Like massively through the roof as we, even before we left for the wedding.

You played it cool though. You, you, you look like you kept it together for the most part. 'Cause like, I don't think I, I noticed anything, but I, then again, I don't really notice a lot of things unless I'm looking for them, but that's besides the point.

I mean, For one, for context purposes, cuz they don't know anything. My anxiety was up from the minute we left the house because we backed outta the driveway and I had, I don't know if you were driving or what Cordell was driving.

I was driving there.

Somebody was driving. I, I had you guys stop and I was like, did I turn off my hair straightener? And all, all of the men in the car. We're like, yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't believe any of you.

That's funny because like, it's funny because like, I knew I was just like, really? We're, we're really having a serious conversation, like, of her being paranoid about whether or not she left something off when clearly she did, but it's neither here nor there. But no, we kept assuring you, you did, you did, you did. Even up, even up until we parked the car, you did.

Um, and then I was okay-ish during his actual wedding.

Beautiful wedding, by the way. Beautiful wedding.

Gorgeous. And then I think I'm trying to dig deep into my memory bank here. I think roughly after the ceremony was over, you know, wedding ceremonies are 15, 20 minutes long. That's kind of when I started to feel weird. And I think I was go— I was going to tell you like, hey, I don't feel good.

Mm-hmm.

But I saw how excited you were. Of course. And I'm like, and I'm like, I'm not gonna tell him.

Yeah. I mean, it was our best friend getting married and this was a long time coming and we, and I wanted to be there for them. Um, but yeah, it was, it was difficult, but that I did notice that like towards like the middle to like the end of the reception, you kept going to the bathroom. Yeah. And I was like, this is kind of worrisome, but I'm not gonna Maybe she just drank too much. So I don't know. So I just let it go.

Well, here's the thing. I wasn't drinking at all.

See, I don't, I told you, I told you guys, I don't notice.

Because I had something said, you know, you're not drinking tonight because I knew I was late, but I thought stress. But symptoms-wise said, no, you're crazy. And I think after, I remember after we ate, you were dancing with our friends and some other people, and I was sitting there. And the room kind of shifted, kind of like did this. I'm like, that's really weird. And I was wearing, I think I was wearing my Apple Watch at the time. And I checked my Apple Watch because sometimes my heart rate skyrockets for no reason.

Yeah.

You know, I have anxiety, like it happens. And I think I checked my heart rate and it was like 130 and I was sitting.

Oh, wow.

I'm like, that's not— and the last time that happened, I was having a panic attack at 7:00 AM at PetSmart.

Right. Yeah.

'Cause I called you.

Yeah.

I was like, that's not right. And then I think I went upstairs. Because this venue was gorgeous, but the bathrooms were on the 3rd floor.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I went upstairs to kind of freshen up and everything. Mm-hmm. And I sat down, like there were, you know how like in TV shows, with like '90s TV shows, in girls' bathrooms there are like couches and chairs and stuff like that?

Yeah. Because they make it seem like the, the girls' bathroom was like the coolest place, lounge area place. Yeah.

Literally what it was like in this bathroom.

Oh, wow.

There were couches, there were chairs, there were mints. It was the real deal. And I remember sitting on the couch kind of trying to calm myself down, 'cause I didn't wanna, if I was having a panic attack, I didn't wanna have a panic attack at his reception.

Right. Yeah.

So I kind of excused myself more than once. I sat down and I got so nauseous. I thought I was gonna, I honestly thought I was gonna get sick. So I got up like really, really fast and I felt like I was going to pass out.

Kind of like when you have that sudden head rush feeling?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Worse than that. Worse than that. And I think at the time I had, I had no shoulder pain, but I had cramping. So I literally thought I had the stomach flu.

Right.

Or I had food poisoning or something. Or my anxiety was so out of whack that it was giving me stomach issues. But I didn't, thankfully. But I honestly, I honestly took out my phone. I remember doing this. I took out my phone. I'm standing in the lobby area. There's nobody else in the bathroom, which was really—

Convenient.

Terrifying for me.

Right. Oh, not convenient.

Because if somebody had been in the bathroom, I would've said, hey, there's a reception going on downstairs. I would've given them your description and I would say, go get him.

Right.

Like now. But nobody was there, so I couldn't do anything. I remember put it, pulling out my phone and I said, I'm gonna call him. Your phone wasn't on you. Your phone was at the table.

Right. Yeah.

You didn't have your watch on you. I'm like, how the fuck, how am I supposed to get ahold of him?

Yeah, cuz I think I wasn't wearing a, the smartwatch at the time because—

I don't remember.

I think I, no, cuz I remember I was wearing a regular watch because I didn't want it to be too distracting.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, how the heck am I gonna get ahold of you? Mm-hmm. So I gave it like 10 minutes or so, and I lea— I left the bathroom, got halfway down the stairs, had to turn around to go back upstairs, and then I had to come back downstairs. So I was like, this is, I thought food poisoning. I thought—

Yeah. No.

Stomach issues. I thought maybe I'm getting my period. I, I didn't know what was happening. And I go back downstairs and I'm fine. Totally fine. I'm perfectly content, but the cramping didn't go away. And it usually, it comes and goes. Mm-hmm. But this was like right under my ribs, which is not—

Yeah, that's not normal.

That's not normal. And I think, I think at one point in the night I saw my vision kind of got spotty. But I don't remember. Okay. Which is very, very bad. Yeah. So that's kind of where I was at, but I thought anxiety. And then the car ride home didn't help because we had to call the cops. Yeah. Because of the person in front of us that was swerving in and out of 2 separate lanes. You remember that?

Yeah. No, I do. I do.

It was insane.

So going from that, and then when you found out that you were pregnant.

So his wedding was on September 22nd. I found out I was pregnant 5 days later. It was 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't working. I forget why.

I think you called in sick.

I called it. I probably called in sick and that was—

'Cause I think I heard you vomiting.

No, that was, that was, that was Haley. That was Haley. No, not one time during the pregnancy in 2022 did I ever get sick.

Okay.

That was Haley. I remember that. That one was Haley. So I found out I was pregnant on September 27th, and I was in total shock because 5 days before I was like, I'm sick. I've got the stomach bug. I've got a stomach virus. It's the flu. It's my anxiety. I'm having a panic attack. I, my mind was spiraling out of control.

Yeah.

But so like I was, I was in complete and utter shock and our dog at the time, Cinnamon, was with me. Took the pregnancy test. I'm holding it in my hands and she's like booping me on the On the knee. And I'm like, what? She kept booping me on the knee. And I'm like, okay. And I showed her and she, you know how like she used to like immediately lie down and sploot? That's what she did right on the floor. And I'm like—

'Cause when dogs know—

You knew.

When animals know, they know.

They knew. She knew. And I was like, okay, listen, it's just you and me. Don't tell anybody.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then like right after that, I exited the bathroom and I was like, I think I went into the other room cuz I think you were home for lunch. Mm-hmm. And I was like, hey, I gotta tell you something. And I just, I think I just handed you the test and I kind of just let it—

Yeah. I was in shock. Yeah. Yeah. I was speechless. I was like, I was fit, like not physically, but I was in my head jumping up and down. But also at the same time, I was like a little freaked out. And then I'm just like, I think I was like saying, I think I said something along, I think I said something along the lines like, I want to be excited. I want to do all, I wanted to do all the things, but I had to go back to work.

Yeah, I was bummed out about that.

And I was just like, I have to go, but I'm not, I'm, I'm super excited. I just, I just have to go. But yeah, it was just, but I was just like, oh my God, I'm gonna be a dad. And I, and I had to pretend like everything was normal. Otherwise my job would know something was up. So that was hard, but we did it.

But I think leading, so I found out the 27th. I had to go to work that Monday and I'll get into this a little bit later, but Monday was kind of where things started to spiral. Yeah. Yeah. In the worst possible ways.

So then when we, after we found out that we were expecting, right? I would say when we, we had to plan, we had to schedule our first OB appointment to confirm everything because, you know, that's certain protocols and everything. How, how was that process for you? 'Cause like, I know, like walking, like, I know it's different now because like seeing what apples and oranges from like Jersey to New York, it's, it's completely different.

Yeah.

But like, I guess, how was that first original appointment? 'Cause like, for me, I'm just like sitting there. I'm like, okay, so everything's normal. So like, I guess like, do we have to confirm it? Like, what do we do? Like, I don't really know. So like, I didn't really know anything back then.

So I, I was under the impression because I'd read things, I, we'd I'd only been living in New Jersey with you for 3 years.

Yeah, 3 or 4. Yeah.

So I, you know, I moved up from Florida to New Jersey and I know in Florida you have to wait until you are at least 8 weeks to get your first appointment. And I'm like, okay. So I was trying to do the math in my head, which I Was terrible at because, you know, me and math aren't friends. So I'm like, do I call them? Do I call the hospital? What do I do? At the time, the OB-GYN that I had was an hour away from us.

Yeah. No.

I think, I think she was closer to Deptford.

Which is a truck.

No, no, she was further than Deptford.

Which is a truck, which was a truck for us.

She, I think she was in like Washington Township.

Something like that. Yeah.

And I didn't like her. She was not my favorite. So I'm like, I don't know what to do. So I called, I looked around and I was like, there were like 6 hospitals around us. There was Virtua, there was Cooper, there was Tom Jefferson Hospital. I think there was one more. I forget though, but I think that was it anyway. So I called—

Yeah, I don't remember.

I, I did a quick Google search with no reference to anything, and I called the first office and I said, hey, I just found out that I'm pregnant. I wanna schedule a first appointment with you guys? And they're like, okay, yeah, you can come in on the 28th, which was the day after, which—

Which was phenomenal.

I was shocked cuz I'm like, yeah, you guys will see me that soon? Yeah. They're like, what are you talking about?

I'm like, well, cuz usually—

cuz I was, I was used to what Florida was doing.

Yeah. Plus like—

You have to wait and—

Plus like those appointments, like Yeah. It's kind of hard to get in for those appointments.

Exactly. Especially if you're a new patient.

Yeah, no, definitely.

So I booked the appointment for the 28th, which was the next day. And I was freaking out because we were supposed to, I was like, that's so close to the weekend. Like, I don't know how many appointments I'm gonna have to have. And we were suppo— we had a baby shower that we were supposed to attend. That weekend. Right. So I'm like, cool, we'll get in there. They'll confirm everything and we'll go. Not knowing I'd need a second appointment for the ultrasound. Cuz I had no idea what I was doing.

Yeah. Cuz like we, when we were planning the OB appointment, we're just like, okay, if we do it this day, we'll see what their availability is. And then either we go to the appointment first and then drive up, or we'll do it when we come back.

Right. And I mean, right. And like, I think in my head I was underanalyzing what was gonna happen because I thought we were gonna get this OB, it was gonna be a wonderful experience, it was gonna be, it was gonna go smoothly, it would, there was gonna be no hiccups, it was gonna be great. And it was so far from what I thought it was gonna be.

Yeah, definitely spiraled for sure. Yeah.

Like, do you remember when we walked into the office and like I went up to the front and I had a giant Stanley cup of a water bottle that was filled with clearly water?

Yeah.

And I was freaking out. I was like, Shaking and I like went up and said, hey, I'm here for my appointment. And they just handed me like this giant stack of papers. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, what am I supposed to do with that? And they're like, fill it out, bring it back and we'll go from there. I'm like, okay.

I remember looking at it. I'm like, that's a lot of paperwork for just one, for a first-time visit. But also at the same time, I'm just like, I'd never been to an OB. Yeah. I mean, 'cause like I said, different state, different protocols, all of that. So we fill in the paperwork, right?

And like, I'm filling out the paperwork and I'm taking small sips of my drink and I'm nervous. So like, at one point I get up and I'm like, hey, I was still filling out paperwork, but can I, can I use your bathroom? You know? Random, random, but had to ask. And then—

But also not random because if you're—

Yeah.

The fact that when you're pregnant and you're constantly going to the bathroom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, no, you need to finish filling out that paperwork, give it back to us. And you can't, and even, even if we wanted you to, or if, even if we could, You cannot use the bathroom. And I get called back into the office and sit down and I'm calm, but I'm also not calm. And then the OB-GYN walks in. I guess he wasn't— that she wasn't an OB-GYN, she was an LPN. And she's like, hey. So, the, the urine sample you gave does confirm that you're pregnant. And then she started asking me about my symptoms. And I was like, so, I've been extremely crampy. I've had upper back pain. And she's like, what kind of back pain? Like middle of your back? And I'm like, no. It's from one side of my shoulder to the other side of my shoulder, and it like only gets worse. I've been ridiculously dizzy, and that happens every time I use the bathroom. I've been nauseous, I've felt like I've had to pass out before, so on and so forth. So I kind of go through all out I kind of go through all the symptoms that I'm having, and she looks at us and she's like, oh, that's just normal pregnancy symptoms. And I stop her and I'm like, even the shoulder pain? Like, I've heard pregnant women have back pain, but shoulder pain? She's like, yeah, that should go away on its own. And I'm like, Okay.

That seems like very dismissive.

Yeah. And like, and, but the, but, but like, I was kind of like getting a weird vibe off of her too, because like she commented about my weight too. And I'm like, you don't do that. Don't, don't do that. Don't do that. Like, even if I'm just coming in for like a regular visit. Don't, don't comment my weight.

That's like the number one rule with pregnant, like with pregnancy, you do not comment or say things like that to pregnant women.

Yeah. But like comments aside, the appointment itself was okay, I guess.

Yeah.

And then she was like, okay, well you have to come in again for your first ultrasound. And I'm like, well, how do I do that? Because I've never done this before. And she's like, well, you make that appointment up at the front of the office. I'm like, okay.

Well, no shit, Sherlock. No, like, walk us through it.

So I was like, cool, thanks. And then I get up and I go to the front of the, front of the office. And I'm like, hey, I need to make an appointment for my first ultrasound. And they're like, well, when are you available? And I'm like, aren't you guys supposed to tell me when you are available so I can figure out how to make my work schedule work around it? They're like, well, we have one open in 2 days. And I'm like, no. No. And they're like, well, what about tomorrow? And I'm like, okay, tomorrow, tomorrow's fine. Yeah. Just book it and we'll go from there.

Right. Yeah.

And then I'm freaking out because I'm like, we're supposed to leave for Long Island tomorrow.

But then I reassured you. I'm like, we'll get, we'll get the first available appointment and then we'll just drive up there immediately afterwards. Work itself out. If we leave early enough from the appointment, it should be fine.

So we went home and I guess we went about our regular day-to-day routine. I honestly do not remember what we did the day before.

I couldn't even tell you.

I'm assuming that's what we did, cuz we had to get home to Cinnamon and walk her and get her—

Yeah, we kind of tried to stay calm as much as possible.

Yeah.

And just unwrap our minds about everything that just happened with that appointment.

It was insane. Like, I'm just like, you, you can't, don't say that to people.

Yeah, no, definitely not.

And then I guess we get into the next day.

Yeah. Progress started that avalanche down.

So I think. Did I go to work in the morning?

I think so. Yeah, I think you were.

Yeah, because that's when things started to go downhill. Yeah. Because I was at work. I went to work at like 6 o'clock in the morning because my shift was like 6 to 11. And I remember needing to take like 4 or 5 bathroom breaks. I hadn't told my boss anything.

Right.

'Cause I was like, I'm not saying a word until I know.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I remember coming out of the bathroom around 7:30 and I literally had to grab onto the side of the wall because I felt like I was going to pass out. Should I have said something at that point? Yeah. But I didn't. So after that, you know, I worked my regular shift, no big deal. And then we went to the appointment and that's kind of where things started to—

Rapidly go fast.

Rapidly decline.

Yeah. Rapidly decline really fast. Yeah.

Because I remember walking into the ultrasound room, which was dark. And cold. There were machines to my right. There was a chair in the corner, and then there was a very, I don't wanna call her, it was very off-putting.

Right. Yeah.

And the ultrasound tech Had no sense of what bedside manner was.

Oh no, of course not. No, she was, she was the opposite of that.

She came in, she said, okay, sit down on the table. We're gonna do your ultrasound. By the way, since you are only, I think they said I was like 7, 7 and a half weeks along. They're like, we can't do a regular ultrasound. We have to do a transvaginal ultrasound.

Right.

I was like, yeah, what's that? My eyes were bugging outta my head. I'm like, what is that? Is it gonna hurt? Like, what's happening?

Yeah. It's like you never hear those words and it's like you never assume that it's like something good.

And I think that's where the issues began.

Yeah. 'Cause like she comes in, doesn't really say hi, doesn't really introduce herself, does the testing, takes pictures. And it's, and she's like, she first tells you like, lie down, open your legs kind of thing. And then it just goes in.

But even before that, when she had me lie down and she was trying to get in there.

Yeah. Yeah.

She's like, I can't get in there. And I'm like, aren't you trained? And she, she looks at me and she goes, do you wanna do it? And I'm like, No, no, I don't. No, thank you. So that was problem number 1. And then problem number 2 came and we're sitting, you know, I, I don't know how long these things take. Apparently they take about 30 minutes.

Oh, okay.

Apparently.

That's news to me. All right, cool.

Most, most, most sonograms take about 30 minutes to 45 minutes.

Sounds about right. Yeah.

Um, so at probably the 25-minute mark, I look at the screen cuz I'm like, she hasn't said a word.

Right.

I'm freaking out.

Yeah.

You're freaking out.

Yeah. Cuz it's like painfully quiet.

Oh yeah. And I think that was my mistake because I looked at the screen. And I just saw black everywhere. And I'm looking at the screen, I'm looking at her, I'm looking at you, I'm looking at the TV. And I'm like, and I'm like, what am I looking at?

Yeah.

And she's like, very staring very intently at the screen. And I think that's when we kind of were like, What's going on? And I think, and I think at that point I said to her, is everything okay?

And I repeated what you said. Yeah. And I, I, yeah, I even asked her too. I was like, you good? Like, are we good? Is the baby good? Like, what, what happened? Like, what's going on?

And I think she looked at us and she was like, Deadpan. Thank you.

Yep.

Seen by doctor. So like, she's like not giving us answers. And I look at you and I look at her and then I look at the screen.

Right.

Now the screen. Was completely black. And I'm like, that's a little fishy.

Like black, like, like it turned off?

Mm-mm. Like all you could see was black. And like, I don't know what sonograms are supposed to look like, but that's alarming. And that's kind of when my anxiety kind of hit the wall.

Yeah. And I was trying to calm you down. Yep.

And I looked at her and I looked at you and I said, is everything okay?

Yeah. I even echoed what you said and said the same thing. Yeah.

And then she had the nerve to look us both dead in the eye.

Yeah.

And without missing a beat, go, I can't find your baby.

Yeah, she said, I can't find— yeah, when she said that, I was like, what do you mean you can't find our baby?

Excuse me?

Like, are you allowed to say that? Like, should you be saying that right now in front of 2 people that are very emotional, very wild up and everything?

And I think I was like, what? What did you just say? And in my head I'm going, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Like, what's happening right now? And I'm freaking out. And she's like, she's trying her best to like get photos and stuff like that, but she's just not having it. And I think at one point she kind of like was like, okay, I'll be back. Stay put. Don't move. And as she gets closer to the door, She looks at us deadpanned again.

Yeah. Yeah.

And she's like, you know, you really should get your emotions in check because we don't know what's going on. And you crying right now is a little— is you guys being a little oversensitive or something like that. And she just leaves.

The fact that she said that, um, I'm reliving it right now. And it's like, the fact that she said that is very alarming because it's like, in itself, because it's just like, one, who, what, what bed did you fall out of? And two, who gives you the, uh, the nerve to basically tell us that we're being overly sensitive over something when it reflects both my wife and my future baby? Like, what?

Yeah.

And then she comes back a couple minutes later and she's like, pack up your things. We're going to a different room. Stay there. We'll, I have to talk to the chief and then we'll be back.

And then I'm like, I'm sitting there going, before I can even move, I'm like, what is this detention? Like, why, why am I being moved from this room to another room? And then it was like the room she put us in, it was just another patient room with nothing in it except cabinets.

Yeah. It kind of seemed like you're putting it like the baby in the corner kind of thing. It's just like, what? Like, what do we do?

Harry Potter's going back in the closet.

I guess so. Yeah.

Like, I'm like, I don't like this at all. I'm shaking.

And I'm trying to console you at this time and I'm just like, it's just Doesn't make any sense. And then she comes back and I remember she's on the phone with the chief and the chief's— and the chief's like, hey, we're unable to see anything from our side. We have inklings of what it could be, but we need you to get to the emergency room right now.

More specifically, the emergency room he was in.

So we could take a look at, like, so we could rerun the sonogram because our machines are a little bit more stronger than the machines that they have there at the office. Um, but kind of like in the sense, it was kind of like, haul your ass, like, let's, like, kind of thing. Like, like you need to get down, down here as quickly as possible. So we're like, oh, okay.

And I think he, I don't remember. Because I've blacked out, I think. Not physically, but mentally I blacked out. Um, I think he said, don't panic. Just get, get here as soon as you can and we'll take it from there.

Don't rush.

Don't speed.

The whole thing with our parents is like, don't speed. Yeah. Follow the rules of the road.

So I guess that leads us into like how you felt. Or how we felt emotionally after the, what was supposed to be a very quick 1-hour appointment to—

I was just confused.

Really?

Yeah. I was just like, why are we jumping through all these hoops? Why are we doing this, that, and the other? I was just like that nothing, nothing about this quick and easy appointment Seemed very quick and painless. Not easy at all. And it was just like, and I was still trying to wrap my mind around where does the nurse get the audacity to say that she can't find our baby? Like, that's just like horrible, horrible bedside manner. And that stuck with me for like the, for like a while. And I was just like, oh my God.

And the car ride to the hospital and—

And then the surgery. Well, or leading up to the surgery, it was just like, and then, cuz I think this was still like post-COVID where like we had to wear a mask and, and everything.

And it was just, it was, it was crazy.

It was intense. It was definitely intense. It was like, it was so bad. I just didn't know what to do.

I mean, so like emotionally, I think I was, I was okay at the OB-GYN's office. Until the ultrasound tech said what she said. And then, you know, we went from the office to the car. And once we got into the car, sorry guys, I'm rubbing my eyes. I'm not crying, I swear. I'm just got dust in my eyes. We get into the car and I have to call my dad because we hadn't told him or Leslie anything.

We didn't tell, we didn't tell anybody anything. No, because we wanted to make sure that we quote unquote had the proof and we knew everything was, was fine. Yeah.

And I called him and I'm, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check, but it's easier said than done. And I think I said something along the lines of, hey, this is not how I wanted to tell you guys this, but we found out we were pregnant a couple days after we got back from Long Island. And the doctor just told us that we had to go to the ER because something else was going on.

I remember it 'cause they were on speaker and they were happy at first and then they were confused afterwards. And we're like, we don't know anything. We're heading to the ER. We'll give you a shout as soon as we know something. And yeah.

And then I was on the phone with your mom.

Well, we relived the whole, I can't find your baby thing.

And I don't even remember that conversation.

I was just like— and she's like, it's gonna be okay. She was the one that said, just go in, see what the doctor says, take it one step at a time, it'll be okay. Um, and then just call us when you find out more. And that's what we did. We got in there, we checked in, still post-COVID panic and freakout session and everything. And I was just like, all right, this is cool. So we get in there, we check in, we do file all this paperwork.

No, we didn't have to file any paperwork because—

I mean, we still had to like write down our names and like, what we're here for and going through like the date of birth scenario procedure type of thing.

But like the doctor, he called ahead. He called the maternal fetal medicine department and he said, hey, she's coming in. This is what she needs. Go.

Yeah.

And I think we, we checked in. I don't remember checking in. I don't remember parking, you parking. I don't remember anything.

No, I parked. I remember parking a little bit.

I don't remember a thing.

'Cause I was just like, hey, hey, princess parking. Yeah.

And I think we got up to the maternal fetal medicine section and I've never seen a section of the hospital, as quiet as that section was at that time for a Friday. There was nobody there.

It was like a ghost town.

And I was like, this is a little sketch.

Yeah. I mean, for sure.

Uh, I guess we got into a room and Carrie Name drop, but—

I mean, not really.

She's, she's important here.

Yeah.

She came, she, she was there and another nurse was there and she said, hey, like the doctor kind of went over what was going on, so we just need you to Get ready for us to do this second ultrasound to make sure we know what's going on.

Right. Yeah.

And I'm freaking out. Mid-panic attack, mid-anxiety attack, 2 things that do not go well together.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, just do whatever you have to do.

Yeah, cuz you're already on nerves because you don't like hospitals at all.

Well, at the time I did not.

Well, I mean, that hospital was no different, so I would, I would be nervous too.

But there were other reasons why I was not a fan of hospitals, but that's for another podcast. Um, so they do the ultrasound and the doctor, is it the doctor come in at all?

No, the nurse. So the nurse had to first see you because they had to do blood work and Logistics and everything. And then the doctor comes in.

And he kind of went over the ultrasound and I think he said something along the lines of, this is exactly what we thought. Um, what you have going on right now is considered an ectopic pregnancy and I was baffled.

I was confused because I was just like, what's an ectopic pregnancy? Like—

And to go back, you know, this is 2022. I remember in health class of 5th grade, we learned about all of this, where babies came from and all of that. They don't tell you in 5th grade there is a Darker side to pregnancy. There is things about pregnancy that are well, not are, but can be fatal if they are not caught in time. And I was like, what? Like I didn't know what that word meant. And then he said. I'm gonna leave you with these 2 nurses and then we'll see you downstairs. And I'm like, what do you mean we'll see me downstairs? It's like, I thought, I thought I'd get the ultrasound, they'd give me something for said situation, and they'd put me on my merry way so we could go. To this baby shower. Right. Yeah. How wrong was I?

Yeah. And then they also mentioned that, uh, I think afterwards they said something. I'm trying to remember. I think they said something along the lines that you have, that we found fluid in your stomach or something. And I'm sitting here, I'm just like, well, of course you're going to find fluid in her stomach. She just had like a tank of water. Like, what do you expect? Well, you also need— so we're gonna go through with surgery.

So they, I think they said something along the lines of, your best course of action is surgery because if we don't take care of it now, and this is the part that scared me out of my skin. I think they said something along the lines of, if we don't take care of it now, You could die.

Which sent me in a spiral because I'm just like exactly how I'm feeling right now. I was just like baffled, speechless. I'm like, do whatever you can to save my best friend, but also at the same time, like, what do you Like, this is a lot to go through.

And then again, with the massive, massive amounts of paperwork, they hand me a book and on it I see the questions like, do you have a living will? Do you understand you could lose massive amounts of Blood. Things could go wrong. Things could go sideways. X, Y, and Z. And I think at that point, I stopped dead in my tracks. I looked at you and I said, I can't do this. And I think—

That's, I think that's when I took the paperwork from you and I filled it out all for you. I think maybe—

You called your mom. You, you were literally on the phone with your mom. And that's when Carrie stepped in. And I was having, I was having a full-blown panic attack in the middle of a hospital. So I, I, I honest, honest to God, I had never seen paperwork that said living will. And I'm like, what does that mean? And she goes, that's just in case you don't—

Survivors.

If something goes wrong and, and you don't have somebody to, you know, if you don't, if something happens to you, this person will take over.

Mm-hmm.

And I looked at her and I think all the blood drained outta my body and I literally broke down in tears.

Mm-hmm.

And she said to me, and I remember it to this day, she said, listen to me. I know this is a lot. I know this is scary, but I promise you, I will not leave your side until you are in a recovery room. But you have to do this now. Because if you do not do this now, this is not something you can survive.

And meanwhile, while she's doing that, I'm on the phone with my mom and I'm trying to make sense of what the word ectopic pregnancy means and all of this. And my mom reads it off that she finds online. And then I remember it going in through One ear out the other because I was just like, this is too much medical terms for me. Like, I don't know what this means. I don't know what any of this means. So I'm like, anyway, I will call you back. I'll let you go. I'll let you know this, that, and the other. And as soon as I got off the phone with my mom, I called your dad and told him exactly what it was. And then he, he looks it up.

They Yeah.

And then he gives me also the same medical terms that my mom does. And I'm like, this doesn't make any sense to me, but okay, thank you. And then it was, um, then that's, um, then we're just like, I don't know if they're like, they wanna do surgery now. And then I'm like, I know we are supposed to go up to Long Island and go to her cousin's baby shower and everything. And then that's when he stopped me in his tracks. He's like, 'cause he's just, he stops me in my tracks and he's just like, hey, don't worry about the baby shower. I'll go on your behalf. And then take care of yourself and don't worry about it. Just call us and let us know and give us updates as soon as possible.

So after that, I don't know how this happened, but I went from upstairs to the ER. Don't remember it, but it did happen apparently. Because I remember they, they gave me the express version of the ER and there were probably 30-something people in the ER waiting room. And I looked at Carrie and I said, I have to wait here? She goes, sit. I'm like, okay, I'll sit. She goes to the admissions section, says something. I don't know what she says. And immediately comes back and goes, you're in.

It's kind of like a FastPass for Disney. It's like you just take the FastPass road. It's just like, This is the normal line. This is the express line.

I remember looking back and I'm like, what about all these people? Like they were here before me. And she goes, uh-uh, go. I was like, okay. And then I get wheeled back into the ER and I remember it was like the first room.

Yeah.

Like you walk in and you go to your left and then you go to your right and there's a room right there. And I just sat there for probably 10 minutes.

Yeah.

I think it took him 10 minutes.

Roughly.

And Carrie disappeared. I don't know where she went, but she disappeared and I started freaking out. And then my lovely nurse, my lovely triage nurse Christian showed up and I had to explain to him why I was there.

You know, semantics. Yeah.

ER-esque questions and so on and so forth. And then he said, I'm gonna take your blood pressure. I'm gonna take your oxygen level or whatever the finger thing is. I think that's oxygen.

Yeah. Oxygen level. Yeah.

Oxygen level. I'm gonna take a couple things of blood and then we're gonna get an OB in here and he's gonna talk you through what you need to be aware of.

And we're gonna prep you for surgery kind of thing.

I was like, Do you mind if I freak out until he shows up? He's like, nah, you're good. Go ahead. I literally lost it.

Yeah.

I lost it. And he was so—

Empathetic.

Oh my God. He was amazing.

Yeah.

He was like, it's okay. Like, you don't have to apologize to me. I just, I'm just here to get blood work and everything else. The OB-GYN that's on call right now is on his way down. I'd never met him.

Neither have I, cuz this was an entirely different hospital that we were used to.

So I was like freaking out. I'm like sitting on my hands. I'm like, what do I do? And then he walks in and he's like, hey, I'm your doctor. I'm gonna be responsible for you having stitches after this.

He was definitely, he was definitely trying to make the lighter note for sure.

I like you already.

I did too, cuz he was like very personable, everything. I'm just like, okay, cool.

He made us laugh.

He did both before the surgery and even after post-op.

He, uh, but he explained, you know, the pregnancy that you have is not viable and it needs to be removed as soon as humanly possible because you have free fluid in your stomach. I think he said I had free fluid in my uterus. And there was something else going on in there that I don't remember.

That they had to investigate.

That they had to look into. He said, I said, okay, cool. Before you continue, am I going to be here overnight? Because I was very scared of hospitals because I'd never, this was my first surgery I had been through since I was in the accident, where my fear of hospitals comes into play. So I was like, do I have to be here overnight? And he goes, no, it's technically an outpatient surgery. And I said, how long? He goes, I think he said an hour, 30 minutes in and out.

Wow. That, that was like the most longest hour of my God-given right.

Life.

Life. God-given life. Because I kept, I was pacing.

We're not there yet.

I was freaking out, but it was, it was a lot. It was, it was definitely painful, but it was just like one of those things. It was just like, God, it was terrifying.

So I was like, okay, so. Talk to me like I'm 5 because all I've been getting is medical terms and I have no idea what's going on. So he basically says, the pregnancy that you have, as I've said before, is nonviable. I was like, cool, I understand that. He goes, so we're going to remove it. And I stopped him and I said, you're going to remove it completely or are you going to remove it and Place it where it needs to be. Because I thought you could just take it from where it is to where it needs to be and let it do its thing. Because surgery, they can do things like that.

Right.

So I'm like, cool, but is— can this be saved? And he goes, Unfortunately not. And I went—

I was distraught too, cuz I was just like, but so is there a chance that we could try again? Like, or what? I, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to respond.

But I knew in the back of my mind that I could trust this OB-GYN because he seemed very confident in himself. He came in there with so much—

Charisma?

Yeah. I was gonna say joy, but that's a good Inside Out character that he came in there with.

Yeah.

Like, he was so compassionate and he was so, this is the right decision to make. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. You're going to get through this and you'll go home probably within 2 hours after waking up. And I asked him that 7 times because in the back of my mind, the really far back of my mind, I honestly thought I wasn't gonna make it.

So when, when we talk about the rec— the surgery and everything, right? What was the last thing that you remembered?

Reaching for Carrie's hand because I felt so alone in that moment that I needed somebody to kind of like see me for how scared I was. And I knew The OBs weren't gonna see it. Anesthesiologist was too busy making sure I stayed awake or stayed not awake, but—

Sleep. Yeah.

Sleeping. So I reached for Carrie's hand, she took it, and then the next thing I know, I'm waking up in the recovery room.

Yeah. I don't know if you, if I got the chance to tell you about like my reaction about the entire thing, but. As you were going through surgery, I was pacing back and forth, back and forth, also trying to find food because I was hungry at this point, trying to keep something down while still waiting, looking at my phone, giving people updates and everything. It was a lot. It was very, very stressful and tough, and I just wanted you back.

How long did it take? 'Cause I know he said an hour, but I don't—

I feel like it was like more than an hour, but it could have just been an hour, but, and my anxiety made it seem like longer than it was. But I mean, it was just one of those moments where like, that was like the longest hour of my life and it was tough. But then I remember them calling me or texting me. I don't remember either or. 'Cause the signal was kind of spotty there, but they did tell me that you were recovered. You were going to be wheeled out soon. So I paced back and tried not to get lost as much as I did. And then, yeah, and then you woke up and we were on our way back home, or we were going to get discharged first, then on our way back home.

I mean, I just remember waking up. You not being there, the nurse coming in and being like, you want some apple juice? I'm like, yeah. I was like, I was so high and confused. I was like, what just happened? I knew what happened, but I was just like—

In a daze kind of thing.

Yeah. In a medically induced daze.

Yeah, no, definitely. No, I definitely feel that. And then the drive home was pretty—

It was a little weird.

A little weird, but a little, it was just like, it was raining. It was late at night. And then, uh, then we had to, uh, bring you home and that's where I took care of you and made sure that you were okay. But on the white, on the drive home, you just kept saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And you even at one point said that you were going to try to take care of the bills and everything because you felt so guilty.

Yeah, I remember that. I also kind of remember staring out the window and just being like, trying to grasp an understanding of why this happened. Yeah. 'Cause I, it didn't make any sense.

No, it really didn't.

It literally didn't make any sense.

So how was your, how would you say that the recovery went for you? Like, how do you think everything went?

I mean, it was painful because I didn't realize how much pain I was going to be in because they had to remove one of my fallopian tubes because of all the damage that had been done. So, you know, getting up, walking downstairs, showering was challenging because I was like, I can't do any of this by myself.

I remember helping you.

I had to really rely on you. And I'm just like, how am I supposed to do the rest of this? Like, how am I supposed to get through all of this if God forbid you have a work event and I'm home by myself? Like, I can't, I couldn't walk the dog. I couldn't lift anything. I remember going back to work and having to ask for help because I couldn't lift anything and people were giving me weird looks and I'm like, I literally just had surgery. Like, I can't do anything.

But didn't you also have time off though? Like some time off that they gave you and they were very accommodating for that.

Uh, so the surgery, the surgery was on the 30th and then I, my boss basically gave me 2 weeks off just to recover. But then I got an additional 2 weeks off because we were going to Florida.

That's right. Yep. Yep. I do remember that. Yeah.

That, that helped a lot because it got me out of my head and kind of helped me like process a little better than I was processing in New Jersey. But it was, it was still hard cuz I was, I was in a dark, dark place that I didn't think I'd be in and I wasn't, I don't think I was mentally prepared for what that was gonna feel like.

No, sure. Yeah, definitely. Because it was like a traumatic experience without being a traumatic experience. It was, but, but you know what I mean when I say that, right? Yeah. But how do you feel like after all of that was said and done, like looking back at it?

I mean, looking back at it now, it's like, I mean, You almost died. And by you, I mean me.

Yeah.

And it's just like, you, you learn a lot about yourself, especially when, you know, it's a beautiful situation you're in and then the tables turn and it's like, hey, you know that great thing that was happening? Yeah. Well, now it's, now it's with your life. Yeah, definitely. And it, you know, it rocked my world. It, it made me see a much sadder side of myself that I didn't know existed. And, you know, I really needed to ask for help and like talk to people and really like not be so in my head because I, I hold things in and I shouldn't, but I do. Right. And it, that wasn't a situation that I should have done that with.

Yeah.

So I think asking for help, getting away really kind of helped. And then obviously keeping myself busy.

Sure.

Didn't make me think of everything that had just happened, but I mean, Everything turned out okay. I mean, I think it's just dealing with situations that you never thought you were going to be in. And then, you know, trying to find your way because the life you had is gone.

Right.

Everything you thought you would have, it's gone. And that That in itself is hard to comprehend when you're in your late 20s. And then, you know, we kind of had to deal with the fact that we lost a baby and I don't know how that affected you. I know how it affected me, but I don't know how it affected you.

It was tough. I mean, just. Replaying that whole hospital scene over and over again was, was brutal because thinking about it now, it's just like, it's a lot. And it was just, it was tough because like, I never wanted to put you in that situation. And the fact that that situation happened, I partly blame myself for it.

But it had nothing to do with you.

I know.

I know. And we're not the ones at fault for it. It had nothing to do with you. It was just—

It was a decision.

Yeah.

So I wanna, I wanna stop here and just kind of explain that why we decided to bring this story up and talk about everything the way we did, like. Like, why do you wanna, why did you wanna talk about this particular subject?

Because ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, all of those. Well, not all of those, but ectopics and Miscarriages happen more often than people think they do. And I personally want people to know and understand that it's not their fault that this happened. It's nothing they did. It's completely by chance.

And The—

I think, I forget if it's 1 in every 100 pregnancies that they occur. So they're very rare. And I didn't know anything about them. I didn't know that there were bad pregnancies. I didn't know there were pregnancies out there that could potentially kill you. You know, I thought, 5th grade mentality, I thought you get pregnant and you start a family and that's it.

Mm-hmm.

No, I had no idea that this could happen. And I was so ill-informed because of my own doing that For 6 and a half months after the surgery, I blamed myself for everything that I went through. And my OB said it, the triage nurse Christian said it, my nurse Carrie said it. The chief said it. Every single person I spoke to said that there was nothing that I could have done to catch this. It just happened.

Right.

And I lived and live still to this day, 4 years later, with so much guilt. But I know that it wasn't my fault. But you're not alone if you, if you've ever dealt with a miscarriage, if you've ever dealt with an ectopic pregnancy, if you've ever been in a scary, life-altering, life-threatening situation when it comes to bringing life into this world. None of it is your fault. And I want to make that known because, like I said in the beginning, October is Pregnancy Loss and Child Loss Awareness Month. Because whether you're 7 weeks, 8 weeks, or further along, A loss is a loss. And I don't, it does not matter to me how far along you were in that process. You still lost the baby and you still deserve the support that I felt I didn't have because I was so, I was having such a hard time. Processing all of this. That's why I wanted to make it known.

And I think that's, and I think that's very impactful and it's very important. Go ahead.

What was going through your head when I was being wheeled back for surgery after the point of, you can't come with us.

I was scared. I was legitimately scared. I was terrified. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I just, it was just one of those moments where I just, I'm just like, just take care of my best friend. Just bring her back to me. That's all. And. I didn't want to lose you. I, I didn't. I felt guilty because I felt like I jumped the gun a bit about telling people, like telling our family members that we were expecting, especially when I knew you were adamant about not saying so. But I was still— I wanted to because I was happy. I was excited. But I felt guilt and anxious and nervous and all the things. And also, I mean, joking aside, I was also hungry because we, we hadn't eaten anything.

Yeah.

But, but yeah, it was, it was a lot.

So when they When we were told by my OB that it was definitely gonna have to be emergency surgery, what was the one thing that were, that you were worried about the most? Because I had—

That if you were gonna survive.

Yeah. I had 7,000 things going through my head.

No, I know, but, but yeah, I think if you were gonna survive, that was, that was pretty much it.

Here I am.

But yeah, yeah. And we came through this difficult journey and we had our beautiful, lovely baby girl, Haley. But like you said, this is important because it's not only to show like the good parts of of like our lives and everything. It's for us to be vulnerable and just be real and honest and have like important conversations that need to have and bring the foreign topics more domestic and everything.

I think it's important for us to have this specific episode because we've never sat down and talked About anything that happened that day.

Yeah.

So I think it's good that we're finally doing this.

It's very therapeutic for ourselves.

Yeah. That's to say the least.

But I definitely wanna say thank you for being strong through the years after, and also Being open to being vulnerable like this. I do appreciate it. But, uh, but no, she hit it on the head when she said none of this is your fault if you have gone through something similar like this. And just know that we're here for you. We hear you. And we're here to support you any way we can. Even if it's just like a simple check-in. I think that's, that's it from us, right?

Okay. Yeah.

For now. But just wanted to let you know that I love you and thank you. Always. I'm Danny.

I'm Bri, and I love you too.

And thanks for tuning in for another episode of Beneath the Surface Podcast. If you, if you feel like this resonated with you or stood by you, or you want to share this with someone, like and subscribe, share with anybody, and just know that like, we're here for you. And we see you, we hear you, and your feelings are valid. Thank you.

Remember, you guys can't get rid of me, so I'll be back.

She'll be back for more episodes. All right. Thank you.