Certified relationship coach Danielle Jhiani explains five intrusive thoughts common in Relationship OCD: dips in attraction, wanting to be single, noticing others, lacking common interests, and missing a spark during kissing. She reframes each as normal mental events the brain fixates on, not signs your relationship is doomed.
Do you ever have a thought about your partner that feels so wrong that you're afraid to tell your family or friends? Maybe it's a sudden feeling of disgust or a random thought that you'd be happier alone. Hi, my name is Danielle Jhiani, a certified coach helping people break free, stay free, and live free from anxiety, OCD, and relationship challenges. Just like I have, with quicker, more permanent results. In the world of relationship OCD, these thoughts feel like evidence that you're in the wrong relationship. But here's the secret: normal people have these thoughts too. The only difference is they don't get stuck on them. Today I'm going to share 5 distressing thoughts that are actually completely normal so you can stop the shame loop and start your recovery. Thought #1: I don't find them attractive right now. Maybe you're looking at them and their nose looks different, or you don't like their outfit, or you just don't feel that pull. The truth: attraction isn't a 24/7 flatline. It ebbs and flows. Stress, hormones, or just being around someone a lot can make an attraction dip. In a healthy relationship, it's normal to have off days. The ROCD brain, however, takes an off day and turns it into a deal breaker. Also, attraction isn't just physical. It's a combination of mental, emotional, intellectual, and physical, and you're not always going to feel every layer to be able to say that you're attracted to your partner. Number 2: I'd actually be happier if I were single or alone. You might be sitting on the couch next to them and suddenly feel a wave of wanting to escape. The truth? There's nothing wrong with a need for autonomy. Humans aren't meant to be on, for, or with another person 100% of the time. Wanting space, or even romantically remembering the freedom of being single, is a normal brain processing stress. It doesn't mean you want to leave, it means you may need a break. Additionally, ROCD will always find reasons to keep you single because that's where your brain thinks safety is, so it's looking for reasons to convince you to leave. But listening to OCD will keep you alone, and not listening to it often leads to peace and connection. Number 3: I had a spark with a barista, or that random person may be more my type. The truth: Getting into a relationship doesn't mean your brain's ability to notice other attractive people is deleted. You're still a human being with eyes and hormones. Finding somebody else interesting or attractive is a normal, neutral event. It only becomes a problem when ROCD starts the comparison game to try to find the perfect match. Don't let your head create fantasies. That aren't reality as a way to escape real, true connection with your partner. Number 4: We don't have enough in common. Maybe they like sports and you like art, and suddenly your brain says, "We're fundamentally different. This will never work." The truth? No two people are 100% compatible. Healthy couples have different interests, different ways of communicating, and different flaws. Real compatibility is built through the lifestyle of the relationship that you two build. Not a checklist of perfect compatibility. And finally, number 5: I didn't feel anything during that kiss. This is the checking compulsion. You kiss your partner and then you scan your body to see if you feel those fireworks. The truth: physical sensations are notoriously unreliable. If you're anxious and checking for a feeling, you are literally blocking your body's ability to feel pleasure in that moment. You can't feel a spark when you're in test-taking mode. Let me know in the comments below which of these thoughts have you had a hard time of letting go of. I want you to know you're not a bad person and you aren't lying in your relationship. I remember feeling the exact same guilt when I was struggling, but I reached recovery and so many of my clients have done the same, going on to getting married and starting families. Recovery is a specific set of skills that you have to learn and practice and make a way of life. It's about learning to say, "That was a weird thought. Yeah, maybe," and then going back to your day. If you're ready to learn those skills more deeply, click the link in the description below to join The Path to Love. We've helped dozens of clients reach marriage so far. Will you be the next one? We'll see you in the next video.
