EP 73 7 Primal Questions Part2

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Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Foreign of these seven questions is a question that you're resonating with when everything else in life could be going great. This is the one thing that just is a constant search for you to get a yes to. Whether it's relationships, careers, love, hobbies, relationship, whatever. You're looking to reaffirm a yes to this question in your life. And sometimes you can lean over into unhealthy tactics, behavior patterns Responses hey friends, thank you for listening to the All Things Good for your podcast. Join us as we explore ancient traditions, modern tools and practices in the world of health, wellness and personal development. I'm Amy Christensen, your host and your curated mind coach.

And I'm your co host Brian Bowen, founder of Integrative Health, Inc. And Better Human Company High Performance Coaching. Are you ready to take control of your life and start feeling enthusiastic, empowered and limitless each and every day for a life well lived, let your curiosity flow with all things good for you. Good morning Amy and everyone who is listening.

Good morning, good morning Brian and all of our little potty friends out there. Potty.

Potty friends. Can you elaborate on exactly what you mean by that?

Oh, you know, we just come up with new words. All right.

How much coffee have you had this morning?

Probably not enough. I've been actually cutting back since our last conversation. When was that? A week or so ago. I decided it was probably time to do a caffeine coffee check and last few days I have been cutting back and it's probably a good call anyway. Hello our pod friends.

How about that pod friends? I'm excited. Our last conversation, for those of you who are just jumping in, is we did a series on the primal questions. And Amy, I'd like for you, if you don't mind, to recap everybody on what that means. But I'm excited because today last conversation was laying that foundation to what those are, what they're about, how it's innate within all of us and all that good stuff. But today we're jumping into those questions individually and breaking it out and dissecting it on how and what that looks like in our lives and some of the things that come up. This is Amy's, the star of the show for sure. This is her area of. One of her areas of expertise. So, Amy, would you recap our listeners on what we talked about last time and then lay that foundation a little bit before we jump into the questions?

Yeah, sure. The seven primal questions, like we, again, we covered this in the last sessions, but. Or the last podcast. We're all born and develop a question in our early childhood, and that becomes an underlying theme that we're looking to have answered with a yes throughout the rest of our life, well into our adulthood. Research shows that. I don't know if we talked about this in the last podcast, but it's fascinating that there was research that they did on children that were now adults. They went back and had documentation about behavior, personality from their early elementary school years. And essentially over from all the way into late adulthood, they had not really changed. So the teachers comments, their reviews, the things that were done and said about them as early elementary school, those that personality style, their behavior styles were the same. So unless we change, unless we force a change or we're aware of something, we are pretty much the same person our whole life. So that question that we develop in early childhood, one falls into one of these seven categories is an undercurrent. And as we often say, it's the. I call it the undercurrent. Mike Foster, who's the developer and the researcher on this, calls it the thing underneath the thing. It's what drives you. So one of these seven questions is a question that you're resonating with when everything else in life could be going great. This is the one thing that just is a constant search for you to get a yes to whether it's relationships, careers, love, hobbies, whatever. You're looking to reaffirm a yes to this question in your life. And sometimes you can lean over into unhealthy tactics, behavior patterns, responses in relationships to force a yes, but it's a false yes. So that usually leads to unhappiness, frustration, unhealthy relationships. And like, yeah, that's in a nutshell. So knowing and understanding your primal question, getting that honed down, you can jump on the website amy cherise.com and just take the primal question quiz. Or you can go to the primal question dot com, go through Mike's system and take his quiz there. It's the same quiz and kind of get an idea of what it is sometimes that can be changed. I've had a few people that go through coaching and we start to really get into the deeper real issues. And the question can shift a little bit because the question on either side of you. Of these seven questions, the one before or one after you can lean over into, which becomes your satellite question. You can use these tactics and behavior patterns almost as a way to shore up your question for your actual primal question. You can also do behavior patterns over there to avoid really getting to the deep of your primal question. So we can talk about that too. Side questions. But through self investigation, exploration, coaching, whatnot, you can actually find that once you really get down to the. The true meaning of what you're looking for and what you're doing will reveal your actual primal question. And once you know that, it's just very helpful. It's helpful in relationships, it's helpful in, you know, career processes. Just helps you understand what you're looking for and how to express that better.

One thing that I'm really excited because I totally get what you're saying and where you're coming from and agree on that. I agree on it a thousand percent. But the area that I'm excited about personally is the conversation around what you call the scramble. And so that's the aspect for those of you listening that Amy was explaining when you're trying to get that, yes, it's the behaviors, actions, things that you're doing to get that. But for me, going through some of that material, sometimes we don't see the things, the way we're acting or behaving or the way we're trying to get that question answered necessarily as a bad thing. Some things are really obvious. And then there's certain things that I was going through the material. I'm like, oh, shoot. Like that's considered to be in a scramble. Like, I thought that was an okay thing or not necessarily a good thing, but I didn't see it as a bad thing. And it's. It allowed me to look at some of my other, my other things and see that as. Even though I thought it was a strength, it's actually can be. I don't. This isn't true in every case, but a vulnerability or allow me to see how. Why I'm trying to do that. So I'm really curious to go through each of these questions and learn more about the scramble and like what that kind of looks like.

Yeah. And I, I think it's warranted to say that we can look at the way and the behavior patterns and the things that we're doing to throw out an indirect, an unspecific specified request it's not always going to be, quote unquote bad. It just, it may just keep you bubbling on the surface and there may be times in relationships and things that works out great. It's just when things start to really just not have a good, true, honest kind of feedback of wholeness and a depth of honesty and fulfillment and happiness. Of course it can lead to unhappy and toxic behaviors, but there are many things that we get into a scramble or unhealthy tactics in life that can be perceived as a healthy thing or as a good productive thing. I think we talked about right at the end of the last podcast was procrastinate or not procrastination, but perfectionism, procrastination and workaholism. Right. Overworking, being a hard worker. And can being a hard worker be really good? Of course, yes. But there is a tipping point where it can be unhelpful and unhealthy. It can be damaging to your balance of life and relationships and, and fulfillment. I. You can definitely get to where you're overworking and literally being unhealthy. You can be threatening your marriage, your romantic relationships. But we also get into these stuck patterns where we're not being somewhat creative or being out in nature, changing up our environment. And those can actually, those things, getting out and breaking those work patterns can actually make you more productive and have breakthrough through. So yeah, I think perfectionism is another one that you can get into. We chatted a little bit about that too. We can go perfectionism and, and hard working. Those are the ones that are usually touted. And even being a people pleaser, like a lot of people think that, hey, I'm. I love making people happy. I'm a nice person. That's also great. It's just when it becomes an unhealthy way. So when you're over, it's when you don't have a voice for what you want and when you start to feel taken advantage of or you feel resented or you feel like you're not being heard or listened to and people don't care about you, that's when you know you're showing up with the unhealthy pattern. And you can call that the scramble.

Yeah, I see so many little aspects on. On little behaviors, things I do. And again, going through your amazing quiz, if you will or test, if you. And it's not a test to find that. Yeah. Oh yeah. Online like I was like, oh yeah. I think that throughout my life I've seen where one was more predominant than another. For sure.

So we went through I told everybody mine I was vulnerable and revealed mine mine I'm a Q6 Q 6.5 so I'm am I enough? And I slide over into purpose pretty quickly too. So I'm a little bit looking to.

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I can't tell you. I'm just kidding. No, I, I definitely the three predominant ones I've had and I think that there's some that looking back at childhood stuff that I think were definitely prevalent at one time more than another. The one that I resonated with most that I feel like has lasted the longest is the am I good enough? I think that one was a big one. I think that tied into a little bit about the am I successful one. I feel like that those two, like really have, I think. Are those satellite ones?

Yes, that's satellites. So let's do a real quick recap on that. The seven primal questions are am I safe? Am I secure? Am I loved? Am I wanted? Am I successful? Am I enough or good enough? Am I or do I have purpose? And so when you're looking at the seven questions, you can have one question on either side. So on the other side of am I enough? Is am I successful or am I purposeful? And if your primal question is am I enough? You can do things in the successful am I successful category to help you feel like you're good enough.

Yeah, that makes complete sense.

I would say this is very common, especially for men because they're raised in such a competitive environment through sports typically and through achievement. It's of course a lot of women have this. But I would say if you're looking at percentages, there's probably more men that were raised in that environment than women.

So, yeah, I feel like for me, my. My background is not that. I definitely was not raised in that environment. I think when I was younger, mine was, am I safe or am I secure? But I think the comparing just of the how and certain things about that was going on in my life being raised. I think I got as an. At an early age into a comparing because I had friends and stuff that were definitely more raised in that environment. And we're doing things very differently and were just in a different place. So I think started probably comparing at an early age of. And oh, my gosh, they're better and they've got this. And I don't. They're. So I think that all played a role in it a little bit.

Well, and let's chat about that for a second, because I think it's also important to recognize that while there's some kind of definitive little definitions of personality styles and things, the way that you develop. Your question can be. You can have one of these questions in a number of ways. So, for instance, you're bringing up comparison. So let's say you were raised in a really large family, or you had a big extended family, and you were say that the babyish or the younger one. And there was a lot of maybe harsh play and bullying, like in a family way, and you were the little one, so everybody was better than you at everything, and you got picked on a lot. And I might be speaking from personal experience, but that can show up those. That thing. Right. If you're looking at comparison and going, am I good enough? But that could also show up as I'm not wanted. That could show up as I'm not loved. That could show up as I'm. There's. This is not safe because they're picking on me and making me feel threatened. And so the experience is really an interpretation that everybody developed. Mike talks about in the book kind of a darker but very realistic experience of children who grew up with an alcoholic parent. They can also. Okay, so, like, you can have three kids that had alcoholic parents, and one could come out with, am I safe? One could come out with am I loved? And one could come out with, am I wanted? Because maybe the alcohol is more important than me. Maybe when the parent drank, I could recognize there was unsafe behavior patterns, and I didn't know what to do. And it was always unpredictable, and I had to take care of myself or I got yelled at and it didn't seem like I ever was heard or even. And that would come out as love. So the scenario with which you, in which you developed your question question can be different for the scenario can be the same for a lot of different people and come up with a different question on the outside. 100% just going into it, I think it's important to recognize that there's a lot of ways to use the questions to get into why you feel the way you feel about things and why you interpret things differently. Even as an adult, you might have a scenario where you see something and you're in the exact same scenario with somebody else and they experience it very differently. And I think all of that helps build just clarity of what you're going through, empathy and understanding, compassion for what somebody else is going through. And then you can bridge those things and create better relationships.

I think it's huge. I personally am a growth geek and so I love to, if there's any area of opportunity for me to see something different, have perspective, see all those little hidden saboteurs that are in the dark corners that are holding you back from your next level. I love that. And so these are really great questions and really great perspective to help see those little things. And for some people, they might not look at it from the perspective that I'm looking at it. But again, all things good for you is about educating and teaching and getting you curious and getting your mind thinking and opening up to new healthy things and experiences and tools and techniques to really listen to your body and to take your health, take control of your health and personal agency. And this tool fits that to the.

T. Personal agency 100%. And that is the ultimate goal of coaching or working people through the seven primal questions or understanding their primal question or just somebody out there reading the book and understanding themselves. Because the idea is that you take self leadership, you take responsibility for what you're feeling, where that's coming from, what you're actually wanting to get from it. And we call that like living in your primal truth. So if your primal truth is. Or your primal question is, am I good enough? If you are in a scenario and you recognize some patterns, it might be pulling you into frustration, anger, feeling like critical of other people, critic like you're being criticized and you start getting super defensive, you want to withdraw or you want to avoid scenarios that might push you a little bit, that's when you can start to flip the question around to a statement and it becomes your primal truth. I am good Enough and recognizing that sometimes for an I am good enough. One of the things that we recognize for ourselves is that it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to have critiquing and criticizing and learn and grow and be aware that there might be ways of improvement. We don't have to show up perfect, all knowing and doing the best in every category for everybody around us to be good enough. Right? We are good enough and we can continue to learn. And when you take a hold of that question and you start to answer it for, for yourself and you're not relying on other people to do it, you are empowered to really just heal your wounds and live a more fulfilled life, really. So that's where we want to be able to help people, is to just one, know it, know their question, understand the scrambles, see those unique experiences in their own life and then recognize behavior patterns, body response, somatic awareness, and then develop practices and ways to reroute your thinking and your choices and your responses, gain a little bit of that control the somatic responses in your body and work over more quickly into your primal truth so that you can live in your primal gift, which is flipping your question and providing that opportunity for other people. We just have a natural tendency to put our question over everybody else. We talked a little bit about that last session or last podcast was like, if your question is am I safe? You walk around all the time being hyper aware of how to make everybody else feel safe. And so those people have a certain talent and a gift for creating just environments and things that people feel physically and emotionally safe.

So that's a nice simplistic, I think, to think about if whatever one of your strengths, maybe that's your we call it hallelujah symptom, if you will. Hallelujah. That if could be your same question you're asking. So whatever your superpower, whatever your strength is, maybe stop and go, wait a second, am I that? And try to answer that question for yourself. Is that one way you could utilize it?

Yeah, and we actually call that primal gift. We'll say you have a superpower and a lot of times you'll look into what you do really well in relationships and that will reflect an insight into what your primal question is. My superpower in a relationship is really seeing somebody's potential. I see their value, I see all their worth. And I cheerlead that. I really help hone that, bring it out. I set up environments and I'm super encouraging. That is my superpower. And I can look at every One of my relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships. And go. Yeah, that's. That is definitely a superpower. It can become a toxic trait as well when I'm working in the scramble space in that way.

So can we. Sorry, go ahead.

Yeah, yeah. Let's jump right into these.

Yeah, I'd love to start at the top because there's so much information to take that to the question and start with. First question is, am I safe? And if you could put all that amazing stuff you just said, because my head. There's so much good stuff, my head's in a scramble a little bit. If you could just role play that out and describe to us what the am I safe? Looks like potentially. What some scrambles. What's the superpower? And I think there's another word, the kryptonite.

Yeah, Kryptonite for fears. So I will start with this. If any of our listeners are out there and they want to work on what we call a primal map, when whatever it is, we'll get to your question. But a good way to start is to take a piece of paper. If you want to do this, take a piece of paper. In the center of the paper, write pq, and that's where you're going to put your question. So, Brian, you and I would put either number six or Am I Enough? In the middle of the paper. Then above that, draw three little squares or circles, and you're gonna just. Those are your scramble techniques. Okay. So as we walk through these, you may just jot down some things that sound accurate to you that you may experience on a regular basis. So above your pq, you'll have three little circles or big circles, whatever you want to do, you're going to write your scrambles. Then off to, let's say, the right side, you're going to write your primal gift. You could also call this your superpower, and we're going to talk about those. And then off to the left side, you can put your primal avoidance. Draw a little box or do one, two threes. Okay. So you can add a little compass going here. And then at the bottom, you could do primal truth. And put 1, 2, 3. Like, we'll write down 2, 3, 2 or 3 things that will signify that you're operating what your life looks like when you're operating in your primal truth. So you've got your question in the middle, scramble above truth below, gift to one side, and avoidance to one side. And that may be helpful. And then let's jump in. So am I safe? Number one, does that make sense, Brian, Are you jotting? You're scrambling and or scribbling and writing?

I. I am jotting. I might have to listen to it again and do it. I'm listening. Jotting. Yes.

Okay. Okay. So with Am I Safe? That's question Q1. The big idea there is that safety is the foundation for grounded and abundant. When you're in this, you feel protected. You're able to be your best self. Right. Basically they need to feel physically and emotionally safe. Their kryptonite would be negative surprises. So things that are threatening or could be interpreted as something that's alarming or risk risky to their not just physical safety, but emotional safety. And again that's. That kind of depends on everybody. Mike talks about in the book. He describes Mike's question as am I safe? And he talks very openly about all of that and his history around it. But one of the things he opens up the the book with is a friend of his got a new car and he comes over and grabs Mike and they go for a ride and the car goes really fast. And Mike is this is not my thing. He does not do roller coasters. He does not do jumping out of airplanes. He does not do things that create a feeling of physical danger. But then there's also this, the emotional side of that too. People who are IMI safe tend to like to not have surprises about whether whatever it's a birthday party or a financial problem or hey, a phone call that just gives you a little bit of hey, there might be an issue but not the details around it. So that can all signify somebody or trigger somebody's Am I safe? And push them into a scramble. When they go into the scramble with Am I safe? They get hypervigil. So they're super super aware worst case scenarios attempt to control the future by anticipating and avoiding creates high anxiety, creates high stress. They become very overreactive and they are living in fear based and scarcity mindset. So if they can take their primal statement, their true statement and flip it around to remind themselves that they are safe. So a lot of times remember if you have these primal questions, you're operating out of something you learned as a.

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I'm so sorry I drink so much. I was just getting a little bit of water. I was so listening to you and I'm like, oh my God, stop talking. I needed some water. I listened to all that and I love how you tie all that together because when you're again, just look, you read a book or you're, here's some of the descriptions and stuff like that. It's really for me to stitch it all together the way you just did that. I love that and I'm excited for every question but I could see again where different parts of your life like this could ring more true. But I love the idea of A having awareness about it but then B understanding some of those triggers and to be able to utilize the right language and imagery or whatever it is for you to be able to Reassure or to be able to have a conversation with yourself, to be able to counter that or to be able to put you back in healthy balance with it. Because we do have control and we just forget some of these things that are in our brain. We do have control of those things, but the awareness is critical. And then what do you do about it? And this gives you both those things, right?

And what's a good thing to recognize? If you even go into your scramble and you are living in hypervigilance or you are working in a great deal of control, you can go even further. Remember how we talked about the avoidance is when you set yourself up to not even put the question out there. So you don't even put yourself in a scenario that you might get a no. So for people who have a Q1 or I am safe as their, as their primary question, they will hypervigilant control around risks and they will keep people and scenarios at a very emotionally and physical safe distance. So that can lead to unhealthy relationships, that can lead to really just being alone and limiting yourself and what you can have in life. And so you have to ask yourself what are some areas of your life? And you can release a little bit of control. What can you start to do? Even if it's just yes, you can create a scenario where it's safer for you and you're aware, but you can start to ease into exposing yourself to certain things to create a an environment where your nervous system and your mind can go, okay, this is a little uncomfortable but I can do it and I can shore it up with this. And then your nervous system gets in there. You might start to have a little bit of a physical reaction, but you can breathe through that. You can walk through some self awareness things and then you become more comfortable. It just helps your nervous system and your mind get a little bit braver and a little more comfortable with scenarios that we are going to be confronted with in life on a regular basis. You don't swing into the avoidance practice and leaning on your friends and family. A lot of times the MI safe folks will think that they have to take care of everything. They build their a giant wall and a lot of the PQs lead to this type of thing where we isolate for a number of reasons. But the am I safe? Or keeping it at people at a distance so that they don't have to feel unsafe with somebody. So just recognizing you, if you have a core group who can you talk to? Who can you reach out to and ask for help? And who can you lean into in that space with friends and family?

Love it. So that was question number one. The am I safe? And I'm excited about question number two because for me I'm like what's the difference between question number two and question number one? And I'm pretty sure question number two is a satellite for question number one. But the second question is am I secure? So tell us about am I secure?

Yeah. So am I secure? Q2s they are really looking for security in finances and resources or relationships.

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Visit spinquest.com for more details. So they are very financially focused. These are the folks that and again because of that satellite safety can definitely lean over into security where they feel safe when they check their finances every day or they're hyper aware of how much money they have coming in and who's spending what, they can definitely satellite over into the I am secure to give them the feeling of being safe. But the difference with the I'm I secured secure they want that financial stability but they will also do it with resources and people. So if you know somebody who maybe is really good at just keeping connections with everyone, even if it's on a superficial level, they are always wanting to make sure that they're never going to run out of connections and people and resources, whether that's financial, emotional, networking, what have you.

That's interesting.

Yeah. And so they're wanting to just shore up. It's almost their avoidance of the am I secure? The avoidance tax tactics is to fixate on hoarding money and controlling people. So again here we have the controlling aspect coming up and this jumps up into some of the other questions as well. But this one's more about controlling people in order to make sure that they're they know they have that person where they want them, where they can rely on that, where they know it's available in the way that they need it. And then money would be the same way. Right. So their Q1's Kryptonite or I'm sorry, Q2's Kryptonite is financial instability. So when they're financially insta. Instable or unstable, they're going to start bumping up into their scramble, right? So they're going to fret about money, they're going to fret about having enough resources, they're going to fret about even relational capital. Like the people in their life, they're really going to be hyper vigilant. They're going to be really nervous about creating a stable environment, whatever that looks like, whether that be money or people or what have you, they will work to secure their space and make sure that they have enough and it's never enough. By the way, Mike talks about a gentleman in his book multi hundred millionaire hundreds, $500 Millionaire. Whatever.

Like $500 Millionaire.

$500 Millionaire. This is not my question. You could tell he makes a lot of money but there's never going to be enough. Right. Even at that much he's constantly worried about where the company's going and what his investments are doing. And it doesn't matter that he makes another hundred million. He's always going to be working towards that next financial goal.

Yeah, interesting. I mean I can see people like the Great Depression, like you could see a lot of that. Am I secure generation after that. That's what I've experienced with people, grandparents and stuff.

But yeah, yeah, absolutely. I didn't know this, but apparently Bob, I think this is the correct story. Bob Hope primal question. We assumed from his behavior patterns and things that he is in I secure because he bought all this land, he diversified his money and it was just an interesting reflection because of the impression that the Great Depression had on his family and his childhood. And I just never. I did not know that about bipolar. But apparently that's the thing.

Hey, but it still wasn't too cheap not to pay for a massage every day. I think the story is he got a massage every day of his life or something.

He's a lucky man.

Ah.

Some people don't. I don't understand those people, but that's okay. But the people, the primal gift for people who are mi secure is they make really great providers. Right. They're usually when they're at their best and they have the. They're not questioning their financial stability, they're very generous and they can also be really aware of other people's Financial needs. They can be very methodical and trustworthy and they are also very grounded in practicality. So they're that reliable, steady rock kind of person. So there are the primal truth statement is am I secure? It switched and flips to I am secure. And then how would those people show up in their life when they're living their truth? That would reflect the primal gift of how they are generous and aware of others and that trustworthy, grounded person for another other people.

So interesting with all these questions too, just because you can make an argument from different perspectives of and, and thought patterns and stuff about if somebody says I am secure and they reinforce that, then oftentimes that actually brings more security and more wealth because there's a confidence and there's this underlying energy and the neural pathways in the brain that are created that actually allow for possibilities of more abundance and stuff like that to come. But then another perspective could be that if somebody asks this question that it helps keep them also on their toes. Because if you take the eye off the ball sometimes and you're not tuned into it, then you can also have a lot of mistakes and make decisions and things like that that allow to put you in a position of not having financial security. So it's an interesting. As I was hearing you and listening to you and just knowing things I've thought about or studied or read. And it's interesting how you could take this. Some people could think about this one way versus some people might think about it another way.

Yeah. And I like this because the thing that intrigued me on the primal questions and what Mike really helps promote this on is that they have the idea that it can be overlapping like a lot of people, like this is similar to the enneagram and, and like what you're saying, if somebody is not working in their truth and they can flip it and they're maybe in their scramble they may actually be manifesting one way or the other. Living in your fear about money and resources. You could block people, you could become over controlling people, you may lose friendships and connections that way you could be so hoarding of your money that you don't risk it, you don't invest it, you don't grow it right. So you can quote unquote manifest a negative thing. Or if you're living in your truth and you're recognizing that you're very good at creating environments to make good capital and to grow money and have financial growth, you're going to be more willing to invest and look for those opportunities. And therefore you're Going to bring in and manifest opportunities to make more money, make more friends, make more connections. Right. So what I like about the primal question and doing like these little maps and being aware of all your, your overview and your tactics, your reactions, your fears and your strengths is it's just a quick, it's just, it makes it much more simple to go, ah, I'm doing this. And this is probably what's happening. And this is once you get in, it can be a little bit deep. Once you what getting into and really getting to the true map of your own behaviors because it is hard to read your label from inside your own bottle. Once you're there, it's a quick reference. If you did it every few days or once a week or every day and you looked and reflected upon your behavior and your reactions and your feelings for the day, you're going to get really good at saying, ah, I see what's happening here. How can I shore this up? What am I really needing? And then if you're working on your communication skills, how do you build boundaries and, and communicate to the people in your life that this is what you need?

I love that. That's gorgeous. This next one is a big one and I think we have time for one more. This one's going to take up a little bit because I, in my opinion, just looking at this next question, I feel like this is probably a pretty big one for majority of people. The third question is, am I loved?

Am I loved? And I love love.

Just speaking with clients and over, over the years and working with people just seems like this is one that shows up a lot.

I think this one gets a little challenging because who doesn't want to feel loved? Everybody. I think that the very creation of a human being is to go through life being loved. And I think that we're constantly looking for a love and fear balance. And so I think this one, yes, of course everybody wants to feel like you're loved. However, from my personal experience, I had a pretty challenging childhood and I had an abusive father in a number of ways. And I love my dad and my father. I love him and I care about him. He has passed on, but I forgave him. I never had a good relationship with him after my adult life or my adult self came into play because I set up boundaries that he unfortunately could not come to understand and honor. And I can look back at my childhood and go, man, I often felt not safe. I often did not feel secure. I often felt unwanted. I didn't feel good enough. A all of those things, but with all of the dysfunctional, unhealthy, the alcoholism and verbal and physical abuse, I honestly never didn't feel loved. I. I felt like whatever the interpretation was of love, my dad tried and as well, like I had a challenging childhood with my family that did love me. I like my uncles and cousins and stuff. I tell stories about how they pestered and picked on me and some people today would go, wow, that's like horrible abuse. I don't think so. I think that was just. There was a time where I was like, gosh, that was mean. I think of this as honorary brothers and uncles and we just did things a little differently and. But I also knew they would pick on me relentlessly, but they would protect me and take care of me also. So I felt loved.

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N Q U E-S-T.com Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. So this again, it's the way that these things show up. And a good way to look at that is so the universal. It's the need for love, but it's your oxygen. Without it, you suffocate. And I think that there are times where we maybe when we're growing up, a lot of us feel that way. When we're in like love, young love, romantic relationships. We think about teenagers and their first crush. How many of these teenagers are like, oh my gosh, it's their life and breath. They talk to their boyfriend or girlfriend that day. So I think that there's a phase where you grow through those things, but you grow out of that. But some people don't, right? And so their highest emotional need is to be feeling known, seen and emotionally connected to others. And again, it's yes, everybody wants that. But there's a level that if you even when you get that for a lot, it's like this deeper space for this person. Their core fear is being dismissed unheard and unseen. And their kryptonite is indifference. So if they come into some relationship, whether that's a romantic relationship, friendship, family connection or a job, it is really interesting when we start seeing these things carry over into career aspects and career reflections. But if they feel like they are being treated with indifference, that is going to ruffle their scramble. They are going to feel that shake the snow globe as Mike says, it's going to stir them up. If they feel like they just don't matter and it's a deeper process, like they're just being treated with indifference.

So that. Do I matter? That would be. Am I allowed to. That would fall into that kind of category.

Yeah, but see, I might. Do I matter? Could be am I wanted or am I enough and successful? So we can use these words in a few different ways, but for them, how does it, how, what does it mean to matter for them? They need to know that they're being heard, that they are being listened to, that they matter to what they are feeling and what they can contribute and that there's a deep emotional connection. These are the folks that if they're in their scramble, they will go through people pleasing over giving. They can have significant codependent behaviors. They want to have that emotional, physical connection at any cost. And they often will settle for being loved poorly. They will take a toxic relationship rather than nothing at all. And, and if they're, if they've, they're really in their avoidance, they may withhold and shut down. They may avoid entirely any type of depth or connection or closeness with people because they don't want to feel manipulated or abused. They will keep people at a very far distance, ping themselves off.

Interesting. Totally get that.

Yeah.

I'm just everything everyone we're going through, I'm looking, thinking back in my own life, I'm like, oh, I felt this more then, or oh, wait maybe that one time I did that. It's because of this. Really get your, really get your brain going.

Yeah. And I think a lot of people can feel this way. I, I've certainly been through some challenging relationships and I would say when I was younger I would have some of these tactics. But if I'm in a healthy place and something shakes me up, this isn't what I typically will do. This isn't my go to behavior pattern. I've certainly dated people who didn't love me well. And I think that there's some things for that but as I've gotten older and after I I didn't have a problem walking away from I would say I wouldn't say I didn't have problem always challenging but it got easier and easier when I shored up my own self worth to walk away from an unhealthy relationship or to voice my opinion and my needs in that space and to grow out of any type of over pleasing, over giving codependent behavior patterns. This one I think is like you mentioned it's a hard one because I think a lot of people operate in this area but it may not be your base person primal question When I feel like I'm enough I think I also feel loved. I think when you look at the what we'll get to in the next one but when you look at the scramble techniques and the the kryptonite the things that really shake you and upset you the way I feel love is to have the things from the Am I good enough qualified now? Of course I want to be heard and I want to be seen. I want somebody to understand me. But that is not the thing that really rattles me if I get really upset about stuff. So yep. For the folks who have the primal question am I loved? They are very good. Their gift, their superpower. They're very good loving and caring for others emotional and physical needs. They create environments that enable others to be felt, seen and heard. They feel treasured. They're very giving and understanding. They really just create that profuse like the hub all the time you ever have it? Do you know anybody in life that does that differently than other people?

No, I know. I think that thinking about as you're talking I was just thinking about a couple of these particular clients that I just adore and it's and I've met their family and stuff and so you can just you just know that they know they're loved and and therefore I also just feel like they radiate that and are so loving and the things that they express and the way they communicate their feelings and how they show up for their family and stuff you can just see if you feel loved it's easier for you to also give love. And I think that the next one it's really interesting and we won't jump into it now just because I almost feel like going back to a childhood thing the next one I'm wondering and we'll talk about it next time an example is it almost one that naturally grasps more because I don't know there's a whole thing about, like, when you're a kid, do you even know what one really is? Where this next one feels almost more innate to me of just. I was just thinking about divorced parents and stuff, but we won't go into it, so we'll talk about it next time. I'm going to stop talking.

Yeah. And I know, and I love that because it just really does open up the windows of perspective. Viewing of. Okay, how does this overlap? What does this show up in our life? And these are basic things in life. Everybody's going to want to bounce around to these at some point in your life. So depending upon what was going on, maybe you were getting am I loved or am I secure? Question popping up. If you have a traumatic event at any point in your life, whether it's big T or little T, it can rattle. If you suddenly, even as a kid, your parents lost their job and you lost your house or something happened and they were like, maybe your parents were even talking a bit facetiously or overly worried. How are we going to feed ourselves this month? And you heard that as a kid, you could be like, oh, my God, we're gonna starve. And you saw a movie about kids in the depression not eating rocks or whatever. All of that could really set in and you would have that panic space for a while. So that could be a question that you dealt with, but it wouldn't necessarily be like, next month, mom and dad are fine, food is there, and you're like, what were we worried about? It doesn't stick with you.

I'm sure there's still some people out there that were rattled because they didn't get a. A love song dedicated to him on the radio on a Saturday night back in the 90s. And that's.

And they don't feel like, yes, absolutely. And that's sad. I'm just going to take a moment to.

I might have just been having some personal reflection. I know I dedicated a lot of them.

Oh, man. Remember those? Goodness. What were those? That was such a. Yes. Childhood. Those are kind of. I felt like that might be a small T in my life. Brian. I don't know.

I'll have to dig up. We'll have to dig up a lot of those random little examples that are probably more impactful than we had any idea.

Okay. But here's the thing. This is a perfect example. So for some people, they would hear that and they would go, I'm not lovable. I'm not worth being seen. I'm not worth being heard. It's something about me and nobody really cares. And they're just. It doesn't even matter. I'm thinking like the teenage. I'm just. I'm not.

Oh, God.

Okay. And so somebody who is I am not enough would be like, okay, maybe they're interpreting this as I'm not love, but it's because I don't have the right body or I'm not smart enough, or I don't live in a big enough house, or I don't. I'm. It's. I'm not enough. I could be doing better. I could be doing something just more impactful. I. I can. I should just be. There's something wrong with me and Nathan. That would be a. A significant difference, a signifying way of looking at somebody who's coming from I am I loved versus am I enough to not getting the love song dedicated to you, Brian Bowen. Right. So that's the way it would interpret. It would show up differently.

Yeah.

People who. Okay, we'll wrap up. So for the Q3am I loved. Their core fears being dismissed unheard and unseen. Their kryptonite is indifference. When they're feeling wounded, they will shut down completely. Be cold hearted, close off connections. But when you're feeling great and wonderful, you're very care and loving and aware of other people's physical, emotional needs. You can create wonderful environments for others to be seen and heard. Treasured like that. Just. I'm. There's a client I'm thinking of and she's just a sweet, kind, loving person. And that's how I would describe her. She is so just encompassing love all the time. And she's so thoughtful and she just. She recognizes when people are moving or if it's a special day and they're. She's always giving a gift. She's always bringing something and she's just lavishing kindness and love on other people. Her PQ has got to be an I am love. It's got to be. So the helpful thing for I am Love is to learn to speak up for your own needs, to use your voice to know that you are worthy of being loved and receiving.

I love it so that these again, were all I love. Tying it all together, it's so much more clear. And for those of you listening, we have four more questions on our next podcast to wrap this up.

Yeah, let's jump into the next one's next pod with our pod friends.

Thank you for your passion and genius around this. It's really. You do such a good job of explaining it and bringing clarity to it. So I really appreciate it.

Well, thank you. I. I do this just to make Mike proud of me. I hope I'm good enough. I hope I'm good.

I think that's into the next question. Maybe we need to talk about this. I don't want you going another week without being able to set yourself free from that.

Oh, I'm good. I know I'm good. I love being able to use these tools to help my clients and I'm really just build healthier relationships in my own life. It's really wonderful. So we'll go over the next questions. So we're going to go over am I wanted? Am I successful? Am I good enough and do I have purpose in the next podcast?

You do and you are.

Thank you. You are awesome.

Thanks guys. You're awesome. Thank you guys for listening. And again, as always, we say it every time. But please share this podcast with everybody, all your loved ones and people you don't even care about. Because everybody needs some things that are good for them and that's one way we can be kind and spread good things in the world and help everybody. Help lift everybody up at some level. Some of these podcasts might resonate more than other of the podcasts, but please go through and listen to all of them. Leave us a Review Share we appreciate you and thank you.

Hey, thank you Brian. Have a fantastic day.

You too. Appreciate it.

I hey friends, thank you for tuning in to the all things good for your Podcast. Please note any information, experiences, ideas or opinions discussed today are for educational and thought provoking purposes only and not intended as medical advice. If anything piqued your curiosity, please consult with your doctor or personal medical professional. And if you're enjoying all things good for your podcast, hop on over and leave us a five star review so we can continue delving in and providing great content. Thanks again and we hope you are inspired to stay informed and responsible along your health and wellness journey.

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