EP 74 7 Primal Questions Part 3

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We all have these doubts and fears and the shadow side of ourselves that are underneath everything. And they're a lot less damaging and scary if we bring those out into the light and understand where that's coming from. Hey friends, thank you for listening to the All Things Community Good for your podcast. Join us as we explore ancient traditions, modern tools and practices in the world of health, wellness and personal development. I'm Amy Christensen, your host and your curated mind coach.

And I'm your co host Brian Bowen, founder of Integrative Health, Inc. And Better Human Company High Performance Coaching Are you ready to take control of your life and start feeling enthusiastic, empowered and limitless each and every day for a life well lived, let your curiosity flow with all things good for you. Happy snow evening.

It is Happy blizzard day. You got out all about today. That was nice. It's exciting.

I love driving around on blizzard days because a yes, there's a lot of snow but it really is weird because it's warm and the streets were pretty melted off. But it's great because nobody else is out there so you can just take over and go through back roads and throw it in four wheel drive and have some fun.

Yeah, that is fun. I am. If I can't be out skiing I prefer just not to go out. I took Tabby out for a while but we played but he was it snowed a lot. He was disappearing in the snow. That's crazy.

He's so fluffy. He loves it.

He did love it. He loves it. He likes to pretend like he's going to chase the snowball so he likes for me to throw them and then they disappear into the snow and he dives in after them and comes back up with nothing. So it was fun. Yay.

Yeah, mine get mine gave me a challenge trying to shovel. They like to try to bite the snow when I'm shoveling. So cute. I guarantee dogs don't ask. Maybe dogs do ask that question am I wanted? Do you think a dog ever thinks that?

I definitely think dogs have personalities where I think so. They have to have that basic instinct of survival and I depend on you and I Want to make you happy. There's gotta be some. Dogs usually want to have some sort of trust and connection. And so, yeah, I don't know exactly what their question is, but I feel like they would be asking a question.

I guess sometimes when I'm petting Ziggy, Jasper just looks at me from across the room with these sad eyes and I wonder if that's what he's thinking. Oh, now, now, now. I'm never not going to be able to pet them both at the same time.

Why aren't you giving me the attention?

Why am I not wanted? Am I not enough? Am I loved? Am I secure? Am I safe? Am I not good enough?

If you think about it, those dogs that are always like up at the biggest, the slightest sound protection. And this is interesting, maybe there's a whole new angle. I can go with PQ coaching and we could start talking about how to PQ coach our dogs. Yeah, I've heard people pay a ridiculous amount of money. No judgment. People will pay like 500 a session for pet psyche coaching of some sort of something to that effect. Anyway, love our dogs. Just say that.

That's right. It's not my skill, that's for sure. So, Amy, we just. For those of you joining us today, this is our fourth one in this series.

Third.

Third. That's what I said. I said third. My mic. Are you on? Are you on? Is this working?

Hello.

Hello. Hello. Yeah, Third one in this amazing series of the seven primal questions. And Amy is been amazing with their information. So we can't recap all of it because there's so much good information. So you need to go back and listen to the first one and listen to them in order because it's been building. And Amy, correct me if I'm wrong, but we have four questions to go through to discuss of the seven primal questions. And I believe the next one up. Oh, just to recap, just. I'll just recap this part. So the other questions for those of you just jumping in is am I safe? Am I secure? Am I loved? And today we're jumping into am I wanted. But in the previous series, Amy talked a lot and maybe you can recap it better about the superpowers and the kryptonite and the satellite and the this and the that. And you got to recap that for us, Amy.

Sure. You're doing a fantastic job though.

No, I don't know. I'm still. I'm just doing little things. I remember.

Yeah, yeah. With every question. So again, really fast we develop A primal question in our early childhood that is a baseline driver for the rest of our life and is usually that clear question into your adulthood unless we address it. But you can bounce around to some of the other questions, but you have one that runs with you for the rest of your life. And so it becomes it is your primal question. And when that question is not getting answered with a yes, it comes up with a maybe or a no. You will have what we call the scramble. These are possibly unhealthy mechanism tactics, coping practices to try to get a yes to your question. And your kryptonite that you mentioned was that that main fear, and there's a core fear kryptonite, this is the one thing that you want to avoid. And then if you're getting a continuous note of your question, you will go into your primal avoidance so that you never have to have your question even asked, so you don't even risk getting a no. But when you're living in a good space and your question, you have developed the ability to answer your own question and you have developed the boundaries and voices to let people in your life know what your question needs are, then you will be operating out of your primal truth and able to work with your primal gift.

It's a lot of primals.

So much primal.

It is so much primal.

Yes, they are the seven primal questions. It's just as basic. It's your apex emotional need that you want to have answered more than anything else. So we covered am I safe, Am I secure, and am I loved? In the last podcast and we talked about a primal map. So if you didn't get that one, if you want to go back and listen to that, it helps to understand those things. And when you're in the scramble or your avoidance and what your gift and your superpower or your truth and superpower looks like. And it's nice to have those to be like a quick reference of possibly when you're not performing and feeling like you're living your best, you might be able to reference your map and maybe get some insight into what's going on with you and where you need to build better boundaries and maybe speak up more clearly what you need in your life and most importantly, be able to answer your own primal question for yourself.

I love it.

I love it, I love it.

I love, love it. There is a quiz or tonight a quiz, a little questionnaire on your website, if anybody listening who wants to take that to help identify your main primal question. I thought that was very helpful and I know we EB and flow throughout these throughout our life sometimes. So it might not always be the one forever. Right. It could be different chapters of your life or shifting because of life experience or situational stuff too.

Yes, you'll always have your baseline primal question. But if there's big T, little T moments of life, so a large trauma or minor traumas that can happen in life, you can hop over to one of the other primal questions. So if you just went through a heartbreak, a breakup or a loss of somebody significant in your life, your primal question could show up at the moment as am I loved? But if you're doing well and life is going okay and you look at more of the expanse of your choices and your focus, it will usually show you there's one major question that that overrides all the other ones. Again, if you lost your job and we're going to lose your home and all your savings, your you would test or quiz out or whatever, you're going to be very focused on am I secure in those moments. Yes, we can at any time we can touch into any of the primal questions. But again, one is your true primal question. And sometimes that takes a little bit of time. And like I mentioned before, I think in one of the other podcasts, even with coaching with people, some of the coaching down once we got into a lot of behavior patterns and responses and they were able to really look at at what was really truly their triggers and what they really wanted. They were able to shift and say, man, I thought I was I am I wanted. But I actually think it's am I enough? And then you had mentioned the satellite questions and that is typically what will happen is you have two questions on either side of the primal question. So let's say your primal question is am I loved? Then you can sometimes bounce over to am I wanted? Or Am I secure? As a means to answer or give you a feeling of am I loved? You might use those tactics to give you the impression am I loved? So we call those your satellite questions. But those can also be paired up with the superpowers in the primal gifts. And you can.

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It's the I wish I could help.

Oh, it's a guide. That's what I. That's mine. It's mi. It's guide. And you do have a tendency to help really lead and inspire people and help them see their value value in people. But you also can spur them on to a bigger purpose and bigger impact. When you combine your primal question am I enough? With the satellite of do I have purpose? The combination creates the archaeotype of the guide. So there's several of those sprinkled around in there, but that goes into some of the deeper areas. Once you get into more of the long term work and start to be aware of how you might bounce back and forth between your main question and the satellite questions.

Great. I love it. So that Am I wanted, which is our next question. I feel like that's a pretty common one. I guess I can't say I don't want to generalize, but I feel like when I talk to people and we're digging in there a little bit, I feel like a lot of times this is a big one that a lot of resonates with a lot of people. So I'm really curious to hear a lot more about that, especially how you talk about it and we can see it play out in life a little bit.

Yeah. For the Am I wanted there, the core fear for this person would be being excluded, replaced, shunned. And so their kryptonite is the idea of being rejected. And so if you are around someone or if you yourself isn't are showing up with the primal question of am I wanted? You can recognize that maybe not being invited in on a meeting or several of your friends went out to dinner and forgot to invite you. That hits you a little deeper. Deeper. Maybe you just feel a little bit more Impact for your somebody asking for your input and your presence for something that would make you feel am I wanted so they want to be accepted and they want to be included. They want to be pursued and their primal gift is that they have the unique ability of making people feel included. They can tell if there's somebody who's being left out. So they're often the ones that kind of see the wallflower or the odd man out and make an extra effort to make sure and include those people. These are the folks that they really good in social settings. They're good with people in general and really good relational skills and they're good connectors and building teams. So they are yeah they're really the people that when they're living in their primal truth they're really the people who kind of love to have around. They're very valuable with teams. They make great managers for businesses but they're also the the good friends that get everybody together all the time and they're the ones that just are very encouraging and inclusive of people.

So if they're maybe a good uniter in the family too.

Yeah, absolutely. That's a good point. If they're wounded Q4s they will self isolate and wait for somebody to come and engage them and show them that they wait for the initiation to come from someone else. So they can sometimes be the ones that over self isolate how they'll sometimes they will lose themselves in people pleasing so they have to watch why they're being overly outreaching. They have sometimes a hard time saying no because they want to be included in everything. So making sure that they are sure enough that they're wanted and valued they might avoid the temptation to become what others want to they tend to in that people pleasing they can lose themselves and be what they think somebody needs them to be rather than expressing who they really are from an authentic place. And so that's the Q4 so it's really easy to go okay I everybody wants to be wanted in some respect with once again similar to that in my love it will hit differently like I are Would there be ever a time that a bunch of my friends got together and didn't invite me to do something I might go oh man that why didn't think okay go ahead guys. I think that's normal for a lot of people but it would not looking.

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Gotcha. Yeah, that makes sense.

So for them it's important to like reframe rejection, understand like even in in love and romantic relationships, they may have a harder time recovering. They may enter into really abusive type of relation relationships to continue to feel like they're wanted. They will tend to lose themselves and their identity by becoming somebody else for maintaining a relationship.

So yeah, and I guess if it's coupled, if that's their primal question. But sometimes if it's this also part of it, there's a satellite question. So like the Am I loved and Am I wanted? If you have both those things going on or if you had that am I wanted and am I good enough? If you had both those at once, that could be a lot more intense or a lot louder.

Yeah it since am I wanted is right, the satellite questions is are am I loved or am I successful? You watch where they're pinging over to to reinforce or shore up the idea that they are wanted. So that's why the am I love can also be over giving and codependent and people pleasers. So the am I loved And Am I wanted? Can be very similar. There are a few things that would distinguish those so that you can get to the whole idea with this is that you really want to understand your primal question. You understand when you're operating in your scramble. And so when I'm working with somebody and I say let's say they are and I wanted and they come in under the idea of I'm super successful, I've won tons of awards, I have this much money because I've been really great at this business thing. And I'm a super athlete and I'm really good at winning all the games, very smart. They're all about winning and keeping competitions and numbers that would show up obviously as am I successful. But what you have to get into through the coaching practice and some time up with these folks would be the reason that they feel winning and competition is so important is that it makes them want it and it keeps them from being rejected.

So there's so much to it, so many layers of things to think about and great tools for self reflection and just to like really again, get to know yourself a little bit more.

And yeah, and it can be very. People are complex. Our emotions and the reasons we feel and do the things we are that we do are complex. But I do feel like if you can start with the book or start with the quiz and then read the book, get a good idea and just what you just said. The key is that use this for self reflection. If you're not able or ready to work with a coach, then who can help you or I know there's counselors and therapists out there who are utilizing the seven primal questions approach as well. If you're not ready for that, then getting really good at doing the reading and practicing honest self reflection. And even that takes time. Like it takes time for people to really un layer themselves and get really truthful and honest and deal with their own vulnerability.

I can just see this helping out so much. Like even like premarital counseling to go in and each person has to learn a little bit about these and identify what's their question because it then it makes sense. Like some of the actions and behaviors and stuff like that can make sense to a spouse knowing where the root of some of it can come from or whatever. So then you can handle them differently because maybe it's. You're not taking it personal or whatever.

Actually, I think one of our, one of our group being one of the groups of our coaches. It's what I think his specific approach is premarital education coaching. And that is he came in for the coaching process and that's what he's using primal question help with is if you can go into a relationship understanding what someone's primal question is and then they're understanding what their primal question is. And you can both discuss that and recognize this is my scramble and this is what makes me feel like my question is getting answered. Can you do more of these things? I think it makes a world of difference knowing, you know, it's not just knowing Am I loved or am I wanted? It's okay. And then how does that show up for you? So it can trickle over into that love language, the five love languages and that kind of thing. But if you're, if you're going in or your spouse is am I wanted, then you would know you're going to pursue your spouse with some initiating and planning dates. You're going to include them in their plans. If you're going to go to the grocery store, you might even ask them, hey, do you want to go with me? Or hey, can I pick you up something? That might shore up their question of am I wanted? Because for them that might say, gosh, they really care about what I want, they're paying attention to me, they are trying to bring me into the scenario. Even just writing like little sticky notes, reaffirming that you want them and that you're so happy that they're there for you and that you value them and you cherish them. Who knows? That's everybody's love language might be a little bit different. But if they can come out with, I might, there's something bothering my spouse or my mate or my partner, I don't know what it is. If I know their PQ question, I can look back and go, okay, is there something that might be giving them the idea that they're not wanted now it is up to every person individually is a huge part of my coaching and primal question. Coaching is that taking self leadership and not allowing yourself to stay in an avoidance. If you want to have healthy relationships, you're hopefully building enough self leadership and self accountability that you recognize if you're going to start going into your avoidance tactics that you can catch that for yourself and voice those things and work yourself out of the avoidance. But it's certainly helpful to know how to maybe reinforce your question for your spouse or your partner.

I love it. Yeah, that's, that's. I love the aspect of just thinking about how to not avoid it. But then I also really love identifying the scramble. I just feel like we, a lot of us are just living in a scramble 24 7. I feel like sometimes I'm living in a scramble. So it's, oh wait, what's that scramble about? Oh, okay.

Sometimes it's, we call it the kid logic. Like you start thinking, thinking and behaving like a child. You start acting like a five year old, stomping their feet, taking your ball and going home. Or I'm just not going to talk to them. And if they want to talk to Me. They can. They'll call me. And those are very. If you. I even see how a large majority of people are running around like just really large children.

Have you seen me do that at the office?

No. I feel one time ever I've ever seen you, like, steaming about something. I don't even remember what it was. I think you came in and brought. And like, you worked it out and it was done. And you're like, okay, we're not gonna stay there. You're like the most positive person I know.

It was probably. Somebody just took my food. It was probably that simple. Food gone.

Angry.

Okay. Over it.

Don't touch my stuff.

Am I valued? I'm not safe. I'm not secure here.

Yeah, I think that's just. I think that's just like survival skills of your body saying, I'm hungry.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. When the blood sugar hits. Okay, so next one. Am I successful? Is question number five.

Like, there's a song I wanted to sing right now there, but I can't. I can't. It's not there. I'm like, there's a song.

Just start singing and see what happens.

Number five. No, I don't remember it. That's why there's something number five. Anyway. Okay. That will come up at 3:00am, I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah. Just shoot, shoot, shoot to somebody else. A text and let them know it's.

A happy, upbeat song. Okay. Question number five. Am I successful? So the big idea here is success is. Is not measured by what you have. It is experienced in humble confidence and the development of others. So their primal or their kryptonite is failure. Their core fear is being seen as incompetent or underachieving. These may have. These may be coming from a family or an environment where they adopted the idea that related to winning and competition makes you better and therefore you are more important and valued. Wanted, loved, whatever. So sometimes it's those athletic kids who had the dad or the mom that was like, cheering them, pushing them, and that maybe the most important thing, like, they got a lot of praise for doing well at a game, but if they didn't do well at a game, maybe they got the silent treatment. And that could have relayed that I'm not really approved of if I'm not winning. Could be done with grades. It could be done with just any type of achievement process. So if you're. That can set them into. Okay, when I'm winning, I'm.

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Oh, Brian, I was listening to you. You said if they showed up with avoidance. I was just waiting for the next word.

I can't hear you on the other side. Sorry. I was like, did we just lose signal because they.

Oh, no. I was just. I'm just. I'm being. I'm an active listener right now. I'm really hypnotized, enthralled with everything. So it's enthralled. The right word is that word.

Yes, that is.

Yeah. Yeah.

I just wanted to make sure I. They were fixing the energy, the electrical box down the road from me earlier today. I'm like, oh boy, we just lost power.

No, no, I'm totally listening.

Awesome.

Yeah, I'm on board. I was actually thinking when you're talking, I was listening and thinking sometimes that does happen about a lot of things you were talking about. Seems like the. That person is having success in many things. But I could also see a scenario where somebody is asking that primal question, am I successful? And they're constantly chasing success but maybe they haven't got the trophy yet. They haven't got the, the all the other jewels and ribbons and whatever that comes along with it. So they, they're constantly in chase mode to answer that question even though again they're not having some of these other examples of what other people are obtaining. And again that's relative to what your belief of success is.

And I think that can be looked at like a scramble because they don't enjoy the process. They just as soon as they get one thing they might move to the next thing. Similar to am I secure? Where they could have millions and millions of dollars and yet they would still, still be afraid. It's like not, it's never quite enough. It's that fear is never there that they've got enough money or with I am successful they never feel like I've quite achieved enough. And then the other, the avoidance side of that is they will, they can sometimes take the easy wins so that they will have a little celebration to look like I'm super successful because I'm guaranteed to do be successful at this but and really shy away from real challenges and settle for the appearance of success rather than actually having success.

That's interesting.

Yeah but it is good for them to, for these, for people who fall underneath the Q5 it, it's good for them to look for appreciation and gratitude in the small wins and but it again it's that find the happiness and find the joy and satisfaction in the little things that you've actually accomplished. They will bring great skills. They really know how to move the dial with things with they can really make a huge difference with for them what might seem little effort. So they can be very valuable in that way. They're very self, self sufficient and self self starter so they will find things to go after on their own if they're in a good healthy place. Those could often be entrepreneurs people who like to just go they do everything. This is why I can totally see your satellite question Brian. Could be am I successful?

I might, I might connect with that question a little bit.

And I think in a healthy way it's that that need to continue to grow competent, focused and you're a leader, you lead yourself and then others with positive outcomes. You can really help. I think that's where you can become like a coach. Right like you see the coach on the sidelines. He's wanting his team to win. He's like seeing how they can achieve more. So you can certainly have really great contributions as am I successful.

I love it. Yep, yep. Speaking of coach, I coached our kids flag football team and that whole thing you just said, I was just flashing back for a second about being on the sideline and seeing those opportunities and I got so excited teaching or coaching that I would run up and down the field and one time I almost passed out.

You totally remind me of Ted Lasso so much.

Literally. I finally stopped. I was like, oh my God. I think, I think I'm gonna. I think I'm gonna. Think I'm gonna fall down. But anyway, okay, sorry. I digress for a second. I was just having that little flashback. I was so excited and some of these kids too. There was this one kid that.

Looking.

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Like, these were all nine year olds, right? You may be even a little younger, seven to nine or something. And this one kid just kept staring at the sky and I'd have to run out in the field and pick him up and move him into another position. And then I get off the field and then he's turned around facing the other way to staring at the clouds. And I'd run out, move them again. It's like little chess pieces. I'm just like moving people around.

When Nicholas was really little, I think he might have been in like maybe. Gosh, I try to remember if he was in kindergarten even. And he started. We went to soccer and they were indoor soccer and so they were like little areas where I guess they had skylights and stuff they could open. But this one little kid on his soccer team was mesmerized by the light that came down and made a design on the grass on the indoor turf. Oh yeah, he would just, he would just stop and lay down and then he'd put his hands up in the, in the Middle of the game. So I feel like it's the same kind of thing, just, like, rolling around. You have to go, nope. Okay, we're gonna get up and play.

They didn't think that one through when they put that light up.

Kids are awesome. They're just so in the moment. Hey, this is fun. We're just gonna do this. I think. I think we could take that kid logic and apply it more often.

Oh, God, yeah. 100%. All right. Question number six. Drum roll. What is it? Is it? What is it? Unveil it. What do we got?

Am I good enough?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

It's what's interesting. I. It really does resonate. I get a little ping on a couple of the other ones, but. And when you ask this one, it hits right into my core every time if I say this out loud, it gets me me like. I'm like, yep, feel that. So, yeah, am I good enough? The big idea here is that the wounded worth traps you in, hustling for your value. You set yourself free from the inner critic by appreciating and accepting all you are. And, yes, I'm reading some little snap.

I'm like, damn, that's good.

Yeah, these are. This is. The big idea on that one is just. Yeah. Your core fear is judgment, to be seen and thought of negatively or criticized. So your kryptonite is criticism. And the highest emotional need then would be affirmation. Having their unique humanity valued and recognized. I could resonate with that. I think that I feel like a lot of men. I was actually listening to something earlier today about this that wasn't a primal question podcast. It was another podcast. Oh, it was the book I'm reading Hold Me Tight, which is a great book about relationship. And she was talking about how most men struggle with criticism and judgment and feeling lack of value and respect, and that's all I could think of. And I always laugh because even though my. I have one sister, she's a tomboy. And I just always made a joke when I was growing up that I was raised by wolves because I was just hung out with all my brothers, cousins, uncles, and my tomboy sister, and I wondered that. Unfortunately, I don't want to go back too deeply into something. It sounds. It can be a little heavy to just throw it out there. But my dad basically took us unexpectedly and unknowingly away and from my mother. And I was 8, and I spent pretty much the rest of my next 10 years without my mom with very little connection and ability to be with my mom. And I wonder how many women have this feeling of am I enough or if it's predominantly a male trait and if I picked up more of that being in more of a male dominant environment and having to. I don't know. It's a good. This is something I just started contemplating earlier today of how we develop these questions and how it's influenced in our life. I, I had to learn to be very independent and very strong and very protective and self reliant for the most part my, my brothers and sisters were around but I just, I'm curious how that flows over into the male masculine psyche.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess for me that the hit on that one is. I feel like that to me doesn't seem like it would go too much one way. I could see it on both sides. I don't see it dominated by a, a gender per se just because I've also. This is talking to clients over here. This is another one that seems like it comes up for a lot of people, but I do feel like 100. I agree that of course all these, like you said, develop a lot when we were kids. And so you can definitely see how direct of an impact the parenting role is in this situation. Especially when the divorce rate is 50%. It's I think as a kid I remember me us going through a family that got divorced and friends families that got divorced. And that's a question that kind of I think just smacks you in the face at an early age because it's like why are they leaving me? Am I not good enough?

Yeah. And actually as we're talking through it, I think there is quite a bit coming out recently on some psych statistics that there's a huge conflict with folks asking that question feeling like they're not good enough. And that probably is not just a male gender influence. It's probably in everything we look at the.

And this isn't. We can easily say teenagers these days but I have teenagers and like social media. Right. Just people comparing with comparing and they're. They look more beautiful than me and they're this and then that leads to am I good enough Kind of questions too. But even before social media and stuff, just looking back again at my sister, sorry I'm not throwing you under the bus here sister, but in some of my sister's friends and just so much of it there was still a lot of that still seemed really heavy again with teenage girls back then from what I remember because of I don't want to get Too deep into that. I'm gonna back. I'm gonna back out of this hole a little bit here. So experiences again because am I good enough? A lot of times that's when we get into the comparing and the comparing is a very dangerous place to be. But I see that am I good enough? Question as a piece of that element. And then the comparing then leads to other behaviors and eating disorders and other really complicated things that again, I don't know is that kind of in or with somebody that goes to that direction or they. Is that they're at a scramble and the scramble is just out of control.

Yeah. And I think things like that too, as we're as again, as I'm thinking this through and talking it through the that can show up as anything. Like am I good enough? Can actually really be a question of if I'm. Does that mean I'm not loved? And am I loved? And how that. How does that look? Am I wanted the. To get specific with it. The scramble of. Or at least some of the techniques or some of the ways that show the scramble shows up for anyone who has a Q6 question would be they get in a trap of they get over performing heavy self judgment, they heavy shame defensiveness and they struggle with intense insecurity. And then however that shows up outside of themselves. I think we talked about this in a previous podcast too. Is that it can look like on the outside a similar behavior pattern but. But it really can be from a different question. So unfortunately, like you mentioned, just an eating disorder. That's like the outward expression of a question. Whether it's am I good enough or am I loved? Am I successful? It could still represent. It could represent any one of those questions really. You have to look at the overall idea of it. Is it criticism or is it being left out? Is it not being seen and being heard? So if you can get down to their kryptonite, you can get a little bit more specific into their question. But yeah, it's something. So people who would like our people have the am I good enough? Question. They. If they're truly wounded and they're going into their avoidance, they will victimize themselves. So they will see themselves as a victim. They can withdraw into roles and activities where they're just kind of unassailable. So they're just quiet. And again, they're not ever going to be questioning if they're good enough. And then some others will just shut down all together and they will just completely withdraw. They won't engage and they won't speak is if they don't make contact with friendships or relationships, they never have to get the question even asked if they're good enough. Yeah. So they, you know, really struggle with self hatred and insecurity and doubt. Yeah. And when they're working in their statement of am I good enough? And they are saying that they do believe it and they live from I am good enough, they're. They bring immense value. They have a sixth sense for spotting resources, untapped resources, and advocating for people and ideas that maybe others would dismiss. They see the under underbelly of value, I would say. And when they're really in a good space and they believe in themselves and they feel like they are good enough, they'll seek out pivotal roles. They love to be relied on and they want to have special skill sets that they want to contribute so they can be extremely valuable.

I love that. I love all that.

I'm just looking at my, I'm walking through the mental space of my checklist about each one of these and it's.

A lot to it.

Yeah.

Like you have the. And that's the words. Not the right word is the virtue, but the superpower kind of virtue. And then you have all the other components. And then I wish. And it's hard because you can see where the satellite questions and stuff. But in Chinese medicine we had these what we call hallelujah symptoms. And so there can be a certain symptom and it only means this one thing which is very rare because most things can mean. Can mean a lot of different things depending on the other circumstances around it. That could be very relative. But I wish that we had like when you said self doubt, I was like, ooh, I wish that was like a hallelujah word or thought self saboteur thought for not good enough. Because sometimes we don't resonate with. We might not understand that I'm not good enough, but we certainly can understand self doubt.

Right.

So it's. Oh, if you have self doubt, that most likely means your satellite question is this. But I know that can't really be a hallelujah term that would lead you necessarily to I'm not good enough. Because you could have self doubt in am I loved or successful or whatever as well. Right.

And again, I think it comes out in really working with somebody to understand what their scramble looks like. What are the unhealthy tactics? What are their manipulation abilities? What is their inner voice really wanting to be told? How does the kid logic show up in that fear and these irrational, maybe illogical Statements and things that happen for all of us. If you think about when you're like at your wits end and you're losing it and you finally just say what you think and it's just finally you get down to the core of what the problem is. So if you can get in a healthy space where you're able to have less judgment and a little bit more empathy and understanding and patience with yourself or someone else, you can let those things come to the surface a little bit easier by practice but also by just understanding that we all have these insecurities, we all have these doubts and fears and the shadow side of ourselves that are under underneath everything and they're not a bad thing, they're not something to avoid or be afraid of and they're a lot less damaging and scary if we bring those fears, those child kid logic and those shadow sides of ourselves out into the light and understand where that's coming from and what is really being needed from our deeper self. And I think as we could be more comfortable as a society talking about this type of approach to people, we're going to be better all around, better in relationships, better friends, better productivity at work. We're going to be better leaders. We just have a clearer understanding of. Think about it. The scramble is such a good word for or what most people are living in because it's just like this kind of chaotic, unclear, static of living because for whatever reason we're unable or afraid to just say what we really want and know how to work through life to have that. I look at this and go I've spent my whole life either over performing and then being exhausted and saying never mind and, and avoiding things. Self judgment and defensiveness. Heck yeah, even a light defensiveness. I think we talked about this in one of the first ones like one of my. Even if I'm in a good space, if somebody was to tell me whatever, you could have done it this way or hey that's a good idea, I think I'd like it this way or whatever it could be. I might come up with four other ways to points about it to try to get a really good reference or and I feel like sometimes the underlying mechanism there is to protect myself from anything that could be criticism to say I didn't do it well enough. So I just recognizing I have those patterns, I'm able to just sometimes say okay, it's fine for me to say I also can see value and maybe see perspectives and potential where other people can't. So I could present deeper ideas. But then not take it personal and beat myself up and have shame or failure around something because somebody's given me a criticism or a critique.

That's very great that you're. Yeah, that's. I think that that's amazing that you could see all that and looking back in the way you just. We're able to use this and see that map and where you had wasted energy and I think it's really beautiful.

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Really beautiful.

I do think these are very helpful for people and I hope that I'm a. I am a Q6, but like I say I'm a Q 6.5 because I definitely tend to lean over towards the next. The final question which is Q7 and that is do I have purpose? And the way that those show up for me is that I like to make large impact on the world. I want to leave a legacy. I want everything to have a big bigger meaning. And so when I. People who maybe are in that Q7 just by themselves, these are the world changers. These are the people who are just their highest emotional need is to be significant and part of something bigger than themselves. They're often very driven from either like a philanthropy or a spiritual based home environment or they grew up watching and thinking you really have to do something significant and they have to be on the right path. So these folks were. They're visionaries, they want to make the world better. They create projects, companies, they impact society in huge ways and they're big dreamers. So for them, their kryptonite is pointless work, which is definitely a ringer for me. If I think it's pointless, I will not do it. Deborah tell you about the time I sold jewelry?

I don't remember that one. But you Thought that was pointless.

Oh my gosh, it was so hard. So I don't have a whole lot of drive for expensive fancy jewelry. I'm pretty. It's not, I don't. I didn't see the point in it. And so for one Christmas I worked at a jewelry store and it was short lived and it was simply because it had no meaning. It. I just thought it was frivolous. And I tended to recognize if somebody was maybe making a purchase that was making them sweat and then I would offer them a different option that was more comfortable for them. But the owners of the jewelry store did not like that it was pointless. I'm like, well, how is this helping the world? How is this helping anybody by me selling jewelry? So that, that comes up a lot for me personally. And then so pointless work is a Q7 Kryptonite. And their core fear is similar meaningless and purposeless life and squandering their calling. And I, when I decided to become a coach, I called my brother and my brother is, he's just super cool and laid back and dedicated and we were chatting about my decision to pursue the coaching and where I wanted to go with it. And he just was like, I don't know where you got that from. And I was like, don't you just feel like you're supposed to be doing something like more a bigger. Just something that's just not. I feel like I've got this thing under unsettled on the inside of me and I, I just can't quite figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. So I'm just gonna keep moving to the next thing until I figure it out. And he was like, nope. I like getting up and going to my very predictable job and making my very predictable salary and doing my very predictable drive. And I come home and I see my family and I make the right amount of money and I'm good. And I was like, that is so weird.

So weird and so also beautiful and simplistic. There's a, there's there's great things about both those.

Absolutely. And, and that. And it was so funny because it just, it goes to speak to. We grew up in the same home and we had very similar things in our life that we approach and dealt with. He came out with very different primal question, which I have never had him go through the primal question or so.

That'S good, that'd be good to do.

And who knows? I doubt, I don't know his purpose, his grand purpose might actually be being a great provider for his family. Again, it's interesting how your primal question shows up, cannot just be pinpointed with us with a particular outside source. But yeah, they. I don't know. Do you feel like you ever. I feel like this one was one I felt like you were similar to in a way too. Do you resonate with any of those?

Yeah, for sure. And the questions. When I went through the questions on your site, that actually came up as my primal question. Yes, I definitely resonate with that for sure. And that's the hard part. I resonate with that a little bit. I resonate with that a little bit. But. But there was, you know, know times where I feel like some of those are certainly been stronger. But, yeah, I 100% resonate with that. I think when I first read that question, I think I got confused. I didn't feel like I connected as much to that because I took that as do I have a purpose? Like I'm question. I guess I took it as, am I somebody who's not sure what my purpose is, where I feel like I know what my purpose is? And it's just different ways of utilizing those skills to be impactful and stuff like that. But now that I understand that it's not a question, doesn't have to be a question of that. You're not sure what your purpose is, right? You can know what your purpose is, but that could still be your satellite question.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not your satellite question. Your primal question.

It can be your primal question. And I think again, when you get into the specifics about it and see how much you align with the question, how consistent it's showing up for you, if it's the driver for everything. So some of the questions that I would ask somebody was a Q7 is like, how could you find purpose in today? Can you see that as valuable and important? A lot of times Q7s are not happy with menial things. Right? They want to. They feel like there's one. One right path for their life. And if they're not finding that, they'll search for an ideal mission. That if they're not feeling like all the lights are green, they will fail to act. They will be caught up in perpetual angst. They're like the dreamers that never do anything. And they're seeking the perfect, perfect highlighted way. And because they're waiting for this aw moment, they'll miss a lot of the good things that they could be doing. They're. They'll miss that they can making. Be making an impact today on Their neighbor or being nice to somebody at the store or whatever that they're doing. But if they're really living in their purpose, they are creating massive vision and they are usually a part of like big movements and they're huge encouragers to others to dream big.

I love that.

Yeah, yeah. They can be very much inspirers. I know that. I've tried to. Guess what Brandon Bouchard.

Uhhuh.

Is I go back and forth on. On him. I go back and forth because I feel like it could be do I have purpose? Just based off of. Of his three points. Right. Like his main thing I really like that is do I have purpose? And it's.

Do I matter? Is do I matter good enough?

Yeah, that's. It can be. Right. But for him, maybe it's. Is he living? Because what is it?

Live, love, love, matter. Yeah. But clearly he's creating so many different platforms and doing so much different stuff. I think it speaks to the impactful side of the Q7 question.

He had that near. He had that wreck where he thought he was going to die and he was like, what am I doing with my life? I. I can't waste this. And that's where I think, yeah, this is. He wants to make a huge impact and he wants to reach the millions of people and he wants to inspire them and he wants them to live their dreams. And he's constantly encouraging and pushing people to really make big impact. So this is. That's how I would like reach. I would think that Brendan was definitely. Do I have purpose?

Yeah, I agree.

And knowing his background, he came from probably a faith based background. I believe he talks a little bit about that. And his dad was very mission driven as well. Like he had. I just feel like he. Yeah, that's why I would. That's how I will just have to ask him.

Well, I think I was gonna say, I think at the next conference we just get up there, we maybe hit Mel up, catch Mel in the corner and hand something off to him. And you gotta set, you gotta set. Front row. Get in the front row.

Yep.

That means you gotta get there really early and get in front of that line. Those of you don't know, it's like going to a rock concert. It's. It is insane.

It is. It's pretty fun. I'm not gonna be the first one there. And I don't push. I'm not gonna push my way to the front. I let other people have that excitement.

Like I want the rail move out of the way. Well, I love these Questions. I've written these questions down in multiple areas just so I can keep seeing them. Just to keep my, to keep active with checking in with self and like seeing where I'm at and using these as litmus a little bit for some other dots and things like that I have. I love them.

They're fun to have and it's fun to just dive in and for anybody else out there, again, if you haven't, if this is intriguing and you really want to know a lot more, you're welcome to track me down on social media. Amy Cherise, coach, I believe is my handle on Instagram and I will be turning all of my focus towards more of a coaching process from the primal question I there. So there's going to be lots of good news coming out. But buy the book, read the book. It's got all this in there and it's a pretty great, simple, easy read and very informative tool to have. I hope, I hope it inspires somebody, we've inspired somebody to get in and do a little bit of self discovery and maybe work with friends, family or spouses and partners, see what their questions build healthier relationships.

Yeah, that's super important. Deeper, more meaningful, healthy relationships. Yeah.

And you can use these for your children, by the way. We could do a whole nother one on love, relationship and parenting, but there's a whole process. You can try to guess what your kids primal questions are if they're young, watching for certain behavior patterns and words and things that they say. But a true ideal parenting process would be to answer question all seven questions for your children until they find out what their real question is. And if you're, if you're working on improving your romantic relations, then yeah, I encourage you to work with your partner and see what their question is and then ask how that question gets answered for them.

It's fantastic. Well, thank you, Amy. I really appreciate it so much. You explained all that beautifully and it was tons of wisdom you shared.

Thank you. I appreciate it and hope if anybody has questions, they'll reach out. Thanks for chatting it up with me.

No, thank you. And I'm pretty sure we might be having a special guest on our next podcast. So if anybody's ever heard of tai chi qigong, we might be discussing that on our next podcast and have a special guest on. So stay tuned for that.

That will be exciting. I'm looking forward to that.

Check it. Check in with us and enjoy Check in qigong. I'm gonna go do some tai chi and qigong right now, but I gotta go put my pajamas on first.

All right, you do that and I'm gonna walk my dog in the four feet of snow.

Beautiful. Have fun. Thank you guys for listening. Please as always, leave us a review. Actually we could. We really like the reviews. So leave us a review pretty please and then of course share this with as many people as you can. It's nice to see the numbers climb on people who are actively listening and how many downloads to mix it all again, is somebody the question with the primal question of do I have purpose? This fits right in. Sounds like for Amy and I both on part of our mission and really encouraging people to take control of their health, get curious and just learn and explore. So cheers to you guys. Appreciate you, Amy.

Appreciate you too, Brian. Bye bye.

All right, bye.

Hey friends, thank you for tuning in to the All Things Good for you podcast. Please note any information, experiences, ideas or opinions discussed today are for educational and thought provoking purposes only and not intended as medical advice. If anything piqued your curiosity, please consult with your doctor or personal medical professional. And if you're enjoying all Things good for your podcast, hop on over and leave us a five star review so we can continue delving in and providing great content. Thanks again and we hope you are inspired to stay informed and responsible along your health and wellness journey.

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