A New Season for The Naked Marriage | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave & Ashley Willis

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we uncover God's design for lifelong love. You guys, welcome back.

Oh, Naked Nation. We've missed you guys.

We've missed you.

We've missed you. We've looked forward to this moment, dreamed about this moment, and here it is. This moment is here, and we could not be more excited. So thank you. Thank you for those who were faithfully following the Naked Marriage podcast for all the years that we were doing it. Thank you for those who continue to write us and try to stay connected during this past year, plus where we were kind of on a bit of a sabbatical. And thank you to those who are tuning back in or tuning in for the very first time. So it's going to be. Gosh, it's just going to be great. We're so full of anticipation and gratitude about being back and what's to come. So in this first episode back, we are going to just give you some updates because you haven't heard from us for a long time. We're going to talk about what's been going on this past year and what's new at XO as well. And then we'll also talk about what's to come because we've got some big things planned for the Naked Marriage podcast in the days ahead.

That's right. And so it's been actually over a year, which is hard to believe. And so as far as us, like, just personally, it's been, you know, it was a year with some challenges, but a year with a lot of exciting things, too. And as far as work, you know, we continue to try to help marriages. You know, I officially started my biblical counseling and coaching practice, and I do counsel locally at our church a little bit. Not a whole lot because of our travel, but I do a lot of counseling online all over the world. Yeah, you're so fun.

I'll hear, like, Australian accents. I'll hear just accents from around the world coming from our front room, where she's doing that. And it's just so cool to hear that, you know, this podcast has reached people all around the world, and it's neat to hear some of your voices. You've heard our voices for so long, but it's been really, really encouraging to hear some of your voices.

It is. And so that's been really something that has just been. It's just such a privilege to sit with people going through things and so if you want more information about that, you can go to ashleywillis.net and just click on the coaching portion there. But I've enjoyed that. We keep on speaking all around the United States. We even got to go on a Compassion International trip that we've wanted to do for so long. We've been sponsors with Compassion International, which if you're not familiar is it's a Christian ministry that helps under resourced kids all around the world. And it not only helps that child meet just some basic needs of food and water and clothes and things like that, but they also minister to them and they also minister to their whole family. And so we've sponsored kids really for most of our marriage, like our first 21 years. Our first child, we always say our first child was actually a compassionate international child named Athziri and she was from Mexico. And we had her all these years to the point where she even graduated from the program. And then we've since sponsored, I think, five more children. And we've had our kids involved in this, writing letters back and forth. And we finally got to go and meet one of our kids, Liselot, in the Dominican Republic. And it was just so cool to meet Liselat and her mom and also to just see these centers with Compassion International and what they do. And so that was really cool. We got to take our son Connor with us. And now when we go speak different places and we're able to present Compassion International, he actually comes with us if he can. He's at the table and explains what it's all about. So that's been really cool. And you know, we again, we love going to churches all around the nation and meeting all these different congregations of people. And we started a marriage Coaching Academy. And we have that on our new website, daveandashley.com and you can actually find out where we're speaking more about the Marriage Coaching Academy, which we'll share more about in the days to come. But we really have this heart for really creating more marriage leaders because we've had several events over this past year that we like to call the Marriage Breakthrough Experience. And we had couples from all over the nation come. And what's so interesting is when we kind of went into this open handed doing this event, we were like, God, bring whoever you want to bring. And for this event, it took place in our hometown of Augusta, Georgia, at our home church. But we also had a zoom call prior to the event so that we could cater the event to the people going. And what was so interesting is with our first one of these events is literally every single couple, we were like, what's your main reason for coming? And every single couple said, we have, you know, we've been through the wringer in our marriage. And, you know, resources from us and from exomarriage and others in the marriage space have helped them so much. They said, you know, we've come out the other side with God's help. We want to pay it forward. We want to learn how to do this, how to minister to marriages. And one after one in these zoom calls, these couples would say that. And we were so moved by it. And so we ended up creating that experience to be about marriage coaching ultimately. I mean, there's other things too. Marriage enriching experiences. But then we had more and more of you saying, no, we need more. And so we now have a certification. You can become a certified marriage coach through our marriage coaching Academy. And we're getting ready to do that in March. And if you want more information, you can go to daveandashley.com but it's just been so cool to do these new things work wise. But our most important roles that we carry are parents. And our kids are growing up too fast.

They really are. Yeah. We got four boys, as many of you know, and gosh, they're not even boys anymore. Two of them are full grown men. We have two in college and we have two still at home. So at the time of this recording, we've got one. Our youngest is about to turn 11. Then 14, 18, almost 19, and 20, almost 21. We are old, sweetie, and it goes by fast. Yeah, I know. Just in the little over a year since we've seen you guys. I look five years older. I just caught that's not true myself in the mirror this morning. I'm like, there's a lot of gray hair that wasn't here before.

Well, can I just tell on you for a minute? You guys know we like to keep it real. So we recently went to Cava in our town, because in Augusta, Georgia, when a restaurant like Cava comes to your town, you show up. Okay. And some of you watching who live like in Texas, where we're recording this right now, are like Cava. We have like eight. Okay. Yeah, we don't.

The Dallas area where we record, it's amazing. You've got every restaurant, everything. And it's amazing we don't get this in Augusta. If we get. I got excited, genuinely excited that a new Wendy's. It's almost over near our neighborhood There was a giant inflatable Frosty that they put out front. And this is the level of culture that we have. Like, when there's a giant inflatable Frosty. Like, it made my day. I was calling people, I was like, you called me. You can get a Frosty now within five minutes of the house. It's changed my life. And so that's what we get excited about.

We're gonna have to put limits on our products.

So we got Acava and we felt really cultured. Kava's a Mediterranean place. We're actually ordering in for lunch today here because we're just feeling very cultured.

We are.

You get a hummus and nice things. You feel like you're on a trip to the Holy Land.

Get your falafel.

Cava is not a sponsor of this podcast.

Although if you want to be, it'd be great.

Call us if you'd like to be. Yeah.

And so we're at the Cava. Okay. And we're with our son Cooper. And of course, there's a long line because it's a new restaurant and it's Cava and it's delicious. And as we are leaving, Cooper clocks this young man who looks about to be his age. And he was like, I think that's a guy I went to school with. Cause briefly, Cooper went to a Christian school where I taught for that year. And he made this really sweet friend, but they hadn't seen each other since he went back to his previous school. And I was like, well, go say something. And anyway, so we end up kind of saying something like, hey, are you so and so? And do you remember back in fifth grade when you guys were friends and. And the dad, this guy's dad literally gasped and was like, oh, my gosh. He goes, I almost didn't recognize you. And I don't think he meant this to be like a cut or anything, but he was like, dade, you have so much gray hair, I almost couldn't even tell who you were.

Yeah, I was wearing glasses and my, you know, hair has gotten much grayer than it was.

It's much more seasoned.

And this guy looked at me. I think it was out of, like, shock for how old he must look.

I think it was all of us.

I think it was like, wow, if he looks that much older, it was a self realization of like, I must look really old too. And to be honest, he did. He wasn't looking great.

Oh, my gosh.

Keeping it real true. So we're just two middle aged guys realizing you know what? We're middle aged guys. In our minds, we're young.

Yes, but it had been 10 years, you guys.

But we're not. We're just simply not. And that's okay.

You know, it is okay. But he said it like three times and I think so when we left there, Dave's like, I just feel really old after that conversation in a kind.

Of a joking way.

In a joking way.

Because yeah, I've always. People always think I'm older than I am anyway because like, I was gonna grow a beard and I don't have a great beard. I don't. But I just wanted to grow one just to do it. And Ashley, who doesn't like facial hair anyway and really doesn't like my facial hair on you.

I don't like it on you.

She said, don't grow a beard. She said, most guys that grow a beard, they do it to try to look older and you don't need the help. I didn't mean it. That was her exact words.

I did not mean it as a cut. I just meant you told me like you said. Why is it. Because I'm going to say this story. It's a very quick story. When he was like 30 years old and had worked at our church for a while, someone brought him aside and just said, dave, I just appreciate how you pour into these younger guys. And do you know that?

And the guys that they were referring to were older than me.

They were like 35. And he was the youngest on staff at the time. So that's funny.

I will say, you know, Ashley, you're always so kind to me. But she does sometimes say things that she thinks is a compliment. I do that isn't a compliment. Like for instance, we were watching Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring, classic movie, amazing movie, based of course on the books by J.R.R. tolkien. They're masterpieces. But we're watching it. The Fellowship of the Ring takes place in Middle Earth. It's fantasy, but it's metaphoric. It's beautiful. And in Middle Earth there are all these different human like creatures.

I love how nerdy you are about this. It's really hot.

Like hobbits, dwarves, elves, elves, a wizard. But then a lot of the guys are just regular humans. So they have actual human men. Plenty of them in Middle Earth. And then they have these other kind of species too. And so we're watching this.

Wait, did. Okay, did you mention all the species?

Yeah.

Enough of them.

For context, we're watching this movie and first, let me just Say this. The dwarves in Middle Earth, they are stocky, very hairy, bearded. Bearded, strong, very unkept. You know, they're not very polite. They're kind of grumpy. They're strong. They're good warriors. They live in caves, and they're just kind of. I don't know.

They're fierce warriors, though. I just want to say that.

But they're. Yeah. So anyway, so that's the context. So we're watching this movie, and Ashley says, you know, if you were in Middle Earth, in this movie, I think you would have been one of the dwarfs. And I said, just regular human man is an option. Like, I could just be myself. But she went for this really hairy.

I can explain. Yeah, sure, I can explain. This was many years ago, too, you guys. And in my mind, I have to say, and maybe you're like me. Maybe you've thought through something, and you're like, I need to tell this to my spouse. Like, this needs to be said out loud.

And.

And then when you're saying it, you're like, maybe I didn't need to say that out loud. Like, maybe. And, you know, we don't believe in secrets at all, but sometimes there is discretion. I did not think this was a discretionary moment. I thought, I need to tell my husband that I think he's a fierce warrior, like a dwarf. And in my mind, I was thinking.

You know, who else were the great warriors? Actual men.

The men.

Human men.

I know. So he keeps giving me a hard time about that.

Or the elves, which aren't short in this world. The elves are, like, tall and handsome and, honey, great warriors.

You just would be your own species in this. Okay, let's just. The Daves.

Human is a species. So, anyway, we're still learning, and we're coming up on our 25th anniversary, and, man, it's been an amazing quarter century, but we're still learning. And so just to remind you, whether you've been to this podcast a long time or not, we're not here as experts who've got it all figured out. We're here on the journey with you to just bring some levity, some encouragement, some biblical truth, because we firmly believe that the Bible is the source for all parts of life, including our marriage. And there's so much great stuff about marriage and God's word. And we're going to talk. We've talked a lot about that. We'll talk a lot more about that. And so we're going to just pivot a little bit and talk about things happening at xo. But I also want to rewind, and I want to apologize that when we stopped doing episodes, it kind of happened so abruptly. And that was a disservice to you guys, and I'm sorry. And it's unfortunate there were multiple kind of factors for kind of how that happened, but we could have done a better job of really communicating to you what was going on and that we were going to step away. But the good news is we're back, and we are so excited to be back, and we missed you guys the whole time we were gone. We're so thankful for the years of great work that happened here on xo the Conversation. I mean, Naked Marriage. The conversations, all of it. And now with this next round of Naked Marriage, I think it's gonna be the best yet. We've already done some interviews. I'm super excited for you to hear. We have an interview that's gonna release as a bonus episode in just two days with Jimmy Evans, the founder of this ministry, and in my mind, the godfather of marriage ministry.

That's right, the og.

The og and so you're going to want to tune in for that. We've got some great stuff planned. And EXO as a whole, which we're excited to be working with XO again, they've got some great things in store. EXO Marriage is working on new projects, new initiatives. They've upgraded the marriage intensives. Yeah, well, the marriage intensives, which are offered now by marriage coaches here at xo, where you can come in person or virtually to do a half day, a full day or two full days of very specific coaching and what's called a marriage intensive. And it can be a breakthrough experience for your marriage. They've upgraded the marriage vision retreat, which is something you can do on your own or you can come to the office here in South Lake, Texas, to experience. And in just a few days of that intentional time with your spouse, it can lead to some great, great breakthrough. New resources are coming with xo, and just what's being planned here just at this podcast is something that has us really excited. I think the sky's the limit when we look at the future of what's going to happen at xo. And while the sky's the limit, there's still a lot that's left to be discovered. So, like, some are asking, like, when are we going to start doing big events again? When are we going to start doing this or that again? You know, I don't know. I don't know, but I do know that there is an exceptional team here.

Yes.

Some really great leaders. And God's opening the door for some really meaningful ministry he's providing in a lot of ways. And in this season, the season that's been, in some ways, kind of a transitional season, I think XO is emerging stronger than ever. And it's just really exciting to see that and to be here for a renaissance. And we're excited that you guys are here, too. Kind of coming back to what we've been up to this last year. There is one resource that we've created that I would like to tell you about, and that is we put together a book this past year that includes a free video course that you can go through alone or as a small group. And the book's called Do Marriage Better.

We like to keep it simple. I know it's a very simple Do Marriage Better. Do Marriage Better.

And it focuses on seven key areas of your marriage. You know, communication, finances, sex, parenting, legacy, burdens. Just areas that every couple goes through. And if you'll get these seven areas right and just bring even small improvements to each of these seven areas over time, it'll make a massive difference in your marriage. So we're really excited about that resource. You can get that on Amazon. The audiobook version's my favorite.

And it has some bonuses on there with the audiobook version.

We had some fun putting that together as well. And so. But you can watch those videos on YouTube, even for free, even if you don't get the book, because we love providing free stuff. We never want cost to be a barrier. And so you can check that out as well. Now, as we're getting back into the podcast, one thing that we are going to do consistently, which we did at the start of the Naked Marriage, we later had like a separate Wednesday episode where we did Q and A, but we're going to bring it back to do the Q and A at the end of our Monday episodes. Keep it all together. And so we'll sometimes still release like a bonus interview episode on Wednesdays, but every single Monday, you're going to have a question at the end of the episode. It's a great reason to stick around to the end. If you want to submit a question, you can at any time in a number of ways. You can go to our Instagram. We're avandashleywillis on Instagram. We'd love for you to give us a follow there anyway, but send us a message with your question. It might end up on air. Or you can go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com also wanna let you know the podcast now has an Instagram page, so you can follow the Naked Marriage podcast on Instagram as well. So here's today's question. We'll wrap up with this and thank you. For those who write in questions, today's question says this. My wife is pretty obsessed with our kids. I feel like I lost my wife the moment our first child was born. The kids always come first to her. I feel like my needs don't matter at all. I love the kids too, obviously, but I want a strong marriage. She seems to just want to be a good mom, not necessarily a good wife. How can I get my wife back? And this is a dynamic that I think a lot of marriages feel. And there's not a bad guy in this dynamic. You know, it's. Life gets busy, kids start coming. Maybe the husband feels like, well, now my role needs to pivot to be more just focused on being a provider. The mom feels like my role needs to focus more on being there for the kids. And all of a sudden, the marriage gets put on the back burner. But this guy's saying, I miss my wife. I miss my best friend, and I want her back. And we're only getting his perspective here, which is important to note because she might have a completely different perspective on what's. What's going on. But the key is, how do we keep our marriage strong during these years when so many things are pulling us apart?

Yeah. You know, it makes me think back on those times for us. I mean, I remember. Well, not even in great detail, because I feel like those years are like a blur, honestly. Like, I will be honest with you, our second child, we had our first two really close together. They're only. They're almost. They're a week shy of being exactly two years apart. And I feel bad, but those early years of having our second son, Connor, because we still had our first one in diapers, and it was all crazy. It's just a blur. And I remember probably more in that season than maybe the other seasons of parenting, it being maybe closer to this dynamic. And I remember years after that, maybe with our third child, because that's when we started doing more marriage blogging and things. I had an article that went viral, and I don't even know if it's still out there, but it was. I think the title was, can I Be a Good Wife and a Good mom at the Same Time. Do you remember this?

I think a lot of moms feel that tension just from what you've described and women who've written us.

Exactly. And in fact, I mean, my book, Peace Pirates. Well, what became Peace Pirates was originally called can I be a good wife and a good mom at the same time. Do you remember that? In my proposal. But it really was something that I wrestled with, because when I would feel like I'm winning with the kids and being the mom I want to be with the kids, I felt like I was somehow not being the wife that I wanted to be today, even vice versa. And so my best advice is talk about this with each other. Like, you gotta start there by just being honest in a loving way. And for the husband, what I would do. And I don't know if he's talked to her or not. He didn't really say in his question. But I would encourage this husband to go to your wife and say, like, hey, I miss you, and I don't want to just be another thing on your to do list. I don't think that's at all what you're trying to do here. I know that in those early months, especially of having a baby, there's a lot on the moms, especially moms who are breastfeeding. And also for moms, there's this. I mean, dads love their kids to death, too, but for moms, there's this bond. I mean, you carry this child within you for, you know, almost 10 months, and you're, you know, now you're caring for this child. And so it feels odd being away, you know, even in your own house. And so that is something that we wrestle with as mothers. And so as a husband, you can be tender to that and just say, you know, from the heart, I miss you. And is there anything I can do to help lift this load, whether it's a mental load or whether it's the physical load of caring for the kids. Because I want us to find a way to just be able to enjoy some time together and not it being just another thing that we're checking on the list, but to just really have time together. What could that look like in this season? Like, if you can start there, from the heart. You're not making any accusations. You're not saying you love the kids more than you love me, or you're tending to the kids more than you tend to me. And do you even care about being a good wife? I mean, that's not gonna go anywhere. Odds are she already feels what you're feeling. She feels that little bit of disconnect, too. But when you bring her, you know, this conversation from the heart and really just inquiring, you know, you're coming at her with curiosity instead of criticism. That's gonna be a good place to start.

That's definitely a good place to start. Always in every season. And one practical tip I would say is, I mean, that obviously was super practical. But one specific thing you can do. Pick a weekend, find a babysitter, go to exomarriage.com, get the vision Retreat guidebook, and there are also videos that go with it. The videos are very helpful, too. And go spend two days together in a hotel or an Airbnb or something, and go through that Vision Retreat, which is going to guide you through a time of prayer, planning, vision, casting, dreaming together, reconnecting about what this next season and what the future could look like. And just know God wants your marriage to thrive, and both of you want your marriage to thrive. So everybody here wants the same things. It's like, how do we now get on the same page? And the Vision Retreat is a great template to help you get there. And two days isn't gonna solve everything. It's not a magic wand. But what it can do is it can realign you where you're feeling disconnected now to feeling like, okay, we're on the same page again, and we're moving forward together. And just time away together is priceless. Especially in the season of young kids, if you don't have family at home that can watch the kids, just get creative. Talk to a childcare worker at church that's already been through a background check and build a relationship and say, hey, could we hire you to come do a weekend? You gotta get creative. And you can't let excuses get in the way, because if you don't fight for your marriage in every season, that drift is gonna set in. And left unchecked, it can lead to. Well, it's why there's an epidemic of divorce among empty nesters. It's like, we're just together for the kids. Once the kids aren't there, we don't have a reason to be together. And that's not what I'm not saying at all. That's the track that you're on. But just make sure you don't get on that track.

Yeah, it's all about, like, reclaiming your friendship. You know, I think we can lose sight of that because we just become these partners raising these kids. But it's like, we're best friends, too, or at least we want to be, you know, and it's Hard to do that without time, you know, and looking into each other's eyes. And it can be, you know, in certain seasons you can spend more time than other seasons, but you still have to spend some time. You still have to put it on the calendar and be intentional. I love that you mentioned the vision retreat. You're talking about ideas on if you don't have family, which we don't. We've lived away from our families for a long time. We don't have family close by to care for the kids, although Dave's parents have cared for them on occasion when we've had to go overnight somewhere. But it's usually been sitters. But we were at an overnight marriage event recently and I remember these people we were just talking about, like, you know, thanks for taking the time. And you have young kids in this season, you know, how did you make it happen? And they said, we have dear friends of ours in our small group and half of us signed up for this weekend for this particular retreat and half of us signed up for another weekend and we are swapping caring for each other's kids. So people you really trust that, you know, your kids would enjoy being there too, because you don't want to be worrying like, oh my gosh, are the kids okay? But find those people. And that takes time to cultivate that, whether it be a reliable babysitter or friends like that that you could leave your kids with. But you, you know, when you make it your mission, you will find solutions. If you're not sure where to start, pray about it. I'm telling you, God will bring someone to mind and just go from there and just start fighting for each other and really investing the time into your marriage.

It's good stuff. Thank you for that question. And as we said before, if you have a question you'd like for us to answer on air here at the end of the Naked Marriage podcast, go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com and you can submit a question there or find us on Instagram and write us friends. I can't even describe just the full spectrum of emotion that we're feeling today. To be back in the studio and all the great memories that have happened here already. And we truly believe the best is yet to come, not only for this podcast, but more importantly for your marriage.

Yes.

And we want this podcast, along with everything happening at xo, to be focused on your marriage, your story, the unique and beautiful God written story that he has for your family. And we want to come alongside you, cheering you on and equipping you every step of the way. And thank you for the privilege of getting to be on that journey with you. Reach out anytime. If we can ever do anything for you, tell your friends and family Naked Marriage Podcast is back. Help us spread the word and we'll look forward to seeing you next time.

Bye, guys.