What Will Your Marriage Be Known For? | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave & Ashley Willis

Hey friends, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. We're so glad you stopped by today. On this podcast, we uncover God's design for lifelong love, and today we're wrapping up our series and what it means to have a naked marriage. And we're going to talk specifically about how to build a legacy through your marriage. Before we dive in though, my lovely bride wants to tell you about a completely free resource we want to get into your hands.

That's right, the 31-day marriage devotional is completely free. Go to the show notes and you can get the link for that. We don't want you to miss out. It's a great way to invest into your marriage in a very simple way within only 31 days. So check that out.

Let's dive into today's episode. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Legacy is kind of a heavy word, right? You know, people think legacy, that sounds like a funeral word. And I mean, I guess it can be because it— the funeral, a celebration of life. You are talking about about the legacy someone leaves behind, but I don't think we need to wait until death to start thinking about legacy. I think we need to be intentional. There's a verse in the Psalms where King David says, "Lord, teach me to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom." And what he's saying is, "Lord, help me to remember that like this life, this mortal life isn't gonna last forever. Through faith, my soul will last with you forever in heaven, of course, but my time on earth is short." And so teach me to number my days and realize every day matters. I just don't want to get into a cycle where I'm mindlessly going through the motions. And then I wake up one day and I'm, I'm all of a sudden, you know, decades have gone by, but every day I'm like, Lord, what am I doing today to live with wisdom, to grow closer to you, to grow closer to my family, to plant seeds of love and faith in those around me that can sprout into a harvest someday? How can I build a legacy. And so in this episode, as we're kind of wrapping up this series on how to have a naked marriage, we're gonna talk about thinking ahead, not just thinking about the moment, but really thinking about what legacy do you wanna leave through your marriage?

Yeah.

Because the legacy of your marriage is gonna far outlive both you and your spouse. And what are the good things you wanna leave behind?

Yes. You know, it reminds me, we were doing an intensive with a couple that's, Kind of, I think they've been married maybe 10 years, would you say? Maybe 10 years at this point. And they have 3 young children, you know, so they're in the thick of raising young children and busy, busy lives, all these things. And so, you know, when they came to us for this intensive, it was really about, really more than anything, a legacy perspective. And they said, you know, we know that even though we're in the thick of raising kids and work and all the things, and it's this beautiful season, it's a blur, right? And we don't wanna miss out on creating the legacy now. And so we walked them through this exercise exercises, and we got like, I don't know if you guys have, probably a lot of you have seen those huge legal pads. Like they're huge legal pads that are often used in like, you know, office meetings and things like that. Well, you can get those on Amazon and they have a sticky thing on the back and we love that. Like there's something about not just talking through something, but actually writing down things. And one of the exercises we brought them through is thinking about like, what does your family stand for? Like what is, what do you want to be the family legacy? And how do you wanna word that? Do you wanna say, in this house we do this? Or, you know, your last name, like the Willis's do this. And then really write down, think about what are those things? What do you stand for in your day-to-day life? How do you show up? What are the values? And we walked them through that, and I think they came up with 10 things, okay? And for some of you, that might seem like a lot, or for some of you, that might seem like a little, but by the end of this exercise, you could just see like this empowerment in their faces and on their eyes. And then we talked about, well, how do we practically like how do you practically live out those things as mom and dad, as husband and wife, and also teaching your kids? What are some ways you can teach them these things? And just really taking them through this framework, it got them excited about living out this legacy. And so the reason I'm mentioning this is think about that. Think about, you know, who are you as a couple first and foremost, and who are you as a family, you know? And write down those things. What represents you? Like for example, in this house, like one of the things, I'm just gonna give it, throw out examples there. Like Willis's are always honest, or in this house we are always honest. We decided we put a high value on honesty. How does that look in our house? That means that if our kids, like they did something, okay, wrong, we're like, you're gonna get less consequences if you come forth with it and are honest with us than if we have to find out ourselves. You know, in this house we value laughter. So we're gonna do whatever we can to laugh every day. That means that we're gonna tease each other in a kind way, that we're gonna find fun activities to laugh together. We have a trampoline in our backyard. Chad and Dave jump every day and laugh. And for me, just watching from our back deck, that makes me laugh because I'm seeing the two of them laugh and have fun. So we wanna make sure we have fun in this family. We put a high value on fun. So think about you, like what are some things, you know, when it comes to faith in this house, we value scripture. So that means weekly, we're gonna have a scripture verse that we're gonna memorize, and we're gonna meditate on that. And that means individually, we're gonna make sure that we're putting God first, and we're reading our Bibles, and we're praying together. Whatever those things are, really think about it, 'cause I think we live in a world where we're so busy with lots of good things, but we're also so distracted by technology, and by maybe some otherwise good things, but we never take the time to sit down and write down, don't just talk about it, Write it down, okay? If you can't get one of those huge ginormous legal pads, just get a piece of paper, but write down what it really is and post it somewhere where you're gonna see it often because it is going to make a difference 'cause you're going to actually move towards those things that are creating your legacy every day.

That's really, really good. You know, we, in our house, we have this big old Bible. I won't tell you like the long version story of it, but you can get the longer version story of it in one of the XO Talks we did at XO NOW. My great-grandmother's Bible sits in our front room, and I look at it often, and my dad had owned it before I did. And my great-grandmother was this woman of profound faith. Her husband died fairly young. She raised these kids through the Great Depression alone, and her legacy of faith really, it created a legacy that far outlived her and continues to outlive her by just speaking kindness, speaking life. Trusting God's word. And, and that made a profound difference in my dad's life. It was a catalyst in him eventually coming to faith, even though he had grown up with an abusive father and, and had a lot of anger as a young man. Um, and it, it changed the way he approached marriage, changed the way we were raised. And I'm just— I'm so thankful. My great-grandmother, I never met her in person. She was in heaven before I got here. Um, she had very little money, you know, for a period she was a school lunch lady at my dad's school so she could see him every day and encourage him. Didn't have much of anything in terms of the way the world measures wealth, but her legacy through faith is something that has changed so many lives. And so legacy's more than leaving a bunch of money and having—

Yes.

—statues of yourself and having, you know, libraries named after you and, and all that. Like, I, I think, Legacy is something all of us are called to leave. And the most profound legacies, it isn't about statues. It isn't about your name carved in marble above buildings. It's about the love and the faith and the consistency that you've shown that shapes the generations that come after you. And that's the kind of legacy we're trying to leave and praying that we leave, as imperfect as we are, of like, Lord, help us love our kids in a way that points them to you long after we're gone. Help us, the encouragement we speak over them, help guide them, help, you know, our model of marriage and loving each other, make them want to have and pursue a healthy marriage someday themselves. And all of us can do that. Even if you feel like you've blown it up to this point, you can start right now. That's right. And create that kind of legacy. Say, "Lord, give me the strength to do that. Give me the wisdom to do that." And he will, because that's what he wants for you.

It is, 'cause it can feel daunting. And I think too, for a lot of us, we really maybe don't necessarily love the legacy that was left behind for us. Right. Like, we're like, "Well, gosh, I don't even know where to start with that." Because, you know, my family, it was just a mess, you know? And I'm sure, I mean, maybe if you really thought about it, there's like, One or two things you can pick out because, you know, every family, there's maybe something good, you know, that you can pull out of that. But I know there's lots of us that maybe, you know, we're like, I don't know, I don't wanna repeat a whole lot of that, okay? And that's hard because you're maybe doing something that you've never seen done. Like you and your spouse are creating something totally new that no one in your family has ever done. Like maybe no one in your family has stayed married. Like maybe you're the first and you're like, we're gonna stay married. I mean, maybe that's one of those high values is we're gonna, you know, no matter what happens, we're gonna—

I'm gonna break that cycle.

You're gonna break the cycle of divorce in our family. Maybe there was abuse in your family and you're gonna break that cycle of abuse. You're gonna speak words of life, not words of death. You're gonna be kind and compassionate. You're not gonna lift a hand, you know, to your spouse or anyone in your family, 'cause you saw that and you know the damage that was done. And that's hard, you guys. Like, you know, I think we've mentioned this before, but some of the most courageous people we know are the ones that are breaking negative cycles in their family for the first time. Like they're the ones charting a new course and really fighting. I mean, 'cause that takes a fight, 'cause we tend to go back to what we know. But you know what? This doesn't have to be done perfectly. We have God who's helping us all along the way. And so you might have these things that you establish, you know, that are values of your family, and maybe you do put 'em on the wall and you're like, man, but I'm, every week there's some time where I'm breaking it. Hey, that's okay, repent, and then move towards that goal again, and know that God's gonna help you do better next time. But I think just having something that you're working towards is good, so you know what the bullseye is, like you know what the target is, and that can keep you moving towards that in little ways and in big ways. And you know, I think that it's so important at the heart of all this is making sure again that your priorities are in alignment with God, because that, if those are outta whack, I mean, that's where you start, right? And I know we talked a lot about that in this series, but making sure it's God first, that's your personal relationship with the Lord, and also as a couple praying and spending time with the Lord. And then you have your spouse, your marriage, and then your kids, if you have children, and then your family and your friends, and like works down the list, right? But keeping those things in alignment are gonna help you move towards those goals too and create a strong legacy. But I think that one of the simplest ways just, you know, for those who have kids in the home, a great way to just start creating a great legacy for your kids and really a security for them is letting them see that marriage is fun. Like, let them see. Yes, absolutely. Like, even on a hard day, like, let them see that you can apologize. Like, in fact, there's strength in apologizing when you get it wrong and in trying to turn it around and get it right. Let them see that, that even on hard days you can make it better, right? And that God can make it better. Let them see that even in the busyness of life, you guys take time to dance in the kitchen, or you take time to have a hug in the morning, that you, they see you speaking words of life to each other. Like, let them see that. There is such, such a comfort when kids get to see their parents not perfectly live out marriage, but imperfectly live out a very loving marriage.

Yeah. You know? Make it your goal to gross out your kids sometimes just by being— At least once a week. Yeah, I know. I mean, one of our kids years ago, he said, "Why can't you be like my friend's parents who just never touch?" And I'm like, "What?" And then I'm like, "Is that really what you want?" And he kind of smirked and said, "No." Because there's a comfort they get from seeing the playfulness and that we love each other and we like each other and we want to be around each other. That helps them be excited for marriage in a world that kids are growing up without good examples and they don't wanna be married. I mean, there's an epidemic of people that just are afraid of marriage. And that's heartbreaking 'cause marriage can be such a gift. But I also understand their fear if they've seen only negative examples of why that fear exists. Absolutely. But it's a great legacy, just helping your kids love and value marriage. I think that is a great legacy. Even if you've had a failed marriage, you know, like to tell your kids, like, listen, that first marriage, it didn't work. There were a lot of reasons for that. And it's heartbreaking. But I want you to know that marriage is a gift. And I hate that you saw this example that turned out to be a negative example, but don't let that scar you. Don't let that make you afraid of marriage because Marriage is a God-given gift. And, you know, your dad and I, or your mom and I, we made some mistakes that just caused the marriage to fall apart. But I want you to know that you can do better than we did. And I'm gonna be there cheering you on. And don't let bitterness of maybe your own past negative relationship pass onto your child. So you gotta be intentional about, how you communicate those kind of sensitive things.

Absolutely, I mean, even in the work we do, you know, there's been times where our kids, once they were like at an appropriate age, they've been able to sit in our sessions where Dave shares his testimony about having, you know, his porn habit/addiction and what he did to recover from that, what we did to recover from that. And they hear it, you know, from us, and I want them to, like I want them to, and it's led to some really good conversations. And so don't shy away from being real, you know, at an age-appropriate level with your kids about some of those things you've walked through. Because, you know, it's allowed us to really teach them, like, don't ever go look at porn. You know, we have, again, those, um, those filtering software, you know, on the device. But it's really opened up a greater conversation on the pain that caused and on how we overcame. But also, it's opened up the greater conversation of, in marriage, there's going to be times stuff happens, and you don't just, you know, give up and, and walk away at the first hard thing you're walking through. I mean, like, With God's help, you guys can get through this. And I think it's been good to be able to be honest with them in that way and teach them about those things. Now that we, you know, we have a son that's seriously dating a girl, and, you know, we have two that are outside of the home. And so, you know, now these are those moments where we can be even more kind of, you know, teaching them about these marriage principles and being, you know, using our own testimony in that. And so I think for you all watching and listening, you have that opportunity as well. So be thinking about that.

Yeah, for sure. And I think sometimes building a legacy is also those really simple things, just like little fun family traditions that you're starting that your kids might wanna adapt and take on to their family someday. And even the stuff they complain about, like Christmas morning, we make all of our kids put on Christmas pajamas and take a picture on the stairs. And we've done it since they're little. So it's a treasure having this progression of photos through the years.

The progression, yeah.

And they complain about it every year, but then they always end up end up laughing, and they, they love, they love that we have these. And I guarantee they're going to be doing this with their kids.

No, they will. Let me tell you what happened this year though. So this year, every year I'll usually buy new pajamas for the whole, you know, for all 4 of them. And, um, and so this year I thought, well, we'll just use past pajamas and maybe they'll just have a choice. Well, our son Connor, who's going to be 19 just in a couple of months, he was like, mom, where are the new pajamas? Oh my gosh. Like we're supposed to sleep in the— he was like so upset. And I was like, well, I thought, you know, you guys were getting a little too old for that. He's like, no, bring it back. And so everybody let on Christmas jammies and we took the picture with Santa.

Well, and then he also, Connor was upset that, you know, she actually used to leave this trail of M&Ms from their room. Like, oh, Santa left the trail of like from their room in the tree. Yeah. Yeah. And, and Connor woke up and he goes, "Where are the M&M's?" And where are the M&M's? He was so hard on, and Mom was like, "Aren't you guys kind of old for the M&M's?" And he goes, "No, I wanna know." So I'm gonna bring 'em back.

And so I'm like, "Okay." But you know, I thought, "Oh, they don't like, they don't care about that." But no, he really was like, "Mom," you know? And we still did the Happy Birthday Jesus. Yeah, we make a birthday cake or eat cupcakes and sing Happy Birthday Jesus. We still did our little gingerbread houses. We did Graham houses this year, which I think were even more fun.

Well, that's, and that's just Christmas. It doesn't have to just be the holiday traditions, even though those are the ones probably most likely to stick. But it can be the traditions of like, you know, something you, a game night or a movie night. You know, we, our kids love having a movie night. Even still, we'll get together and we just watched a really sweet movie on Netflix called Soul on Fire, which is a true story, you know, and it's a powerful story. And our kids, were so into it because it starts when he was a little boy and this tragedy happens and then he grows up and they were so into it. And it's very inspirational. It is family friendly. And as of this recording, it's free on Netflix and I'm sure there are other places you can watch it too. But, you know, superhero movies or what movies we grew up with that we'll like watch with them and get to see them see it for the first time. Like, you know, the Karate Kid stuff I loved growing up and now it's like, you know, got them into that and It's just cool, like sharing stuff that was meaningful to you with your kid. I know for some people it's a certain sports team that they grew up cheering for and then they take their kids to and pass that love for that team onto them. It can be, gosh, it can be so many things, serving together as a family. It can be, you know, certain things you do on family trips.

Gosh, it can be— Or just going on trips. Yeah, dude. That's definitely something in our family. Yeah, yeah.

We like exploring national parks. Adventures together, road trips. We've had them from the time they were babies in the car, you know, so like they didn't have a choice but to be good travelers. That's right. And, and they have been, they've been good travelers. And so they've seen a lot, um, and we try to take them whenever we can. This, this weekend we're doing an event in Ohio, and our two older boys are coming with us, and they're going to help run the book table and, uh, just experience it with us. And it's It's a joy to, you know, invite them into what we do. I'm sure it's awkward for them having to watch your parents on stage talk about sex. Well, they're used to it by now. And then, yeah, so your parents' job isn't that embarrassing, hopefully, but they're good sports about it. We're telling stories about them. And then people go out to the book table and be like, hey, there you are. And they're good sports about it, but they are.

It's fun. They are. It's so fun. But yeah, there's so many things. And even like, with your legacy, thinking about how do you serve together as a couple and as a family, like to have a legacy of serving. For many of you watching, you have a legacy in your family of serving this country, and we thank you for your service. We live in a military community near Fort Eisenhower/Fort Gordon, and many, many of our friends, some who don't even live near us anymore because they've had orders elsewhere, but many of them are military families, and for generations, they have served. One of Connor's best friends, he's like, I don't know, fourth generation military, and he just got back from boot camp, and they all celebrated with him and took him out to Waffle House. It's like so sweet. But what a legacy. I mean, what a legacy. I think about pastoral families where there's been pastors in the family for generations. I think about even if you're not, you know, in the military or a pastor, and there's not this job attached to your legacy, you can still serve in so many ways. Just, you know, like I know something we— it's a newer tradition we've been doing around Christmas is we go to a nursing home, and we just pass out cards that our kids write in and give them candy. And it's become such a sweet thing because these are people that are often forgotten and are very lonely, especially around the holidays. But let me tell you, we ended up meeting a 90-year-old, or maybe even— she might have been over 90. She was a missionary all over Africa, and maybe some in Central America, and the story she shared, I mean, it was so cool talking to her, wasn't it? Oh yeah, it was amazing. I mean, it was so amazing.

Yeah, it was a blessing to us to go and just hear and listen, and I know those moments make a big difference for our kids as well. And so there's so many ways you can serve together, and your kids will probably complain about it at first, but—

Oh, they will, probably. You know what?

You just drag 'em along, and then, that it's good for them. It's good for you. Yes. And it's good for the people that you're gonna be serving as well. A legacy of giving is huge. Like here right now where we are in the XO Building, like there are names all over this building. There are names like in the bricks out front on the walkway up here. There are names on the walls of different levels of giving, people who've sacrificed to help make this ministry what it is. And that's just beginning. I mean, I feel like what's in store for this ministry is really just beginning. And so it's built on the backs of so many people who've prayed, who've served. Yes. And who've given financially. And, you know, if you wanna be involved in any way, go to exomarriage.com. There are ways you can give, and this can be kind of part of your legacy that you're gonna help bless marriages and families that on this side of heaven, you might not meet in person, but your gift, your legacy is gonna touch them. And it can be, you know, the same at your home church or in other organizations that you support. Like for us, it's Compassion International. And our kids have sponsored, we've sponsored kids for 20 years and our kids have written letters back and forth. And that's been a real gift. And find ways where your family has some shared mission. Yes. You know, where you're like, this is something we believe in so much that we support it with our time, with our energy, with our money, with our prayers. That is going to help shape a legacy, and that's going to help your child grow up with a broader view of faith, a broader view of the world, and how they can make an impact in it. Absolutely.

I love that so much. But I would say for us too, one of our greatest legacies I want to leave behind with our family that I think, especially from your family, Dave, that has come down from your family to us is a legacy of prayer. And we, you know, every morning we pray and send our kids off to school. We pray at meals, and then we pray at night. We pray at night together, but also we'll pray at night for our kids. And I just, I was reminded of the importance of this. There was recently, I think it was on the "Today Show," they always share like a viral video of something just really sweet or interesting. And they shared this viral video of this young boy. I wanna say he was maybe 3 or 4 years old, and he accidentally got caught in a hotel, elevator, and they had the elevator camera on him, 'cause he was without his family. He was all by himself on an elevator, and it was stuck. And so what did he do in that moment? Instead of screaming, instead of just knocking on the door, he got down on his knees and he starts praying. They have the video of him, and he goes, "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to get out of this elevator. Help my family to know where I am. Help the doors to open. Please, Lord, I know you see me." And do you know what? Those doors opened, and he looked up, You see his face and then he walks out. But I just thought to myself, and they said this on the Today Show, they were like, what a cool thing that that's what he goes to. That that's what he went to, you know? Not panic, but pray. Man, and hey, if he panicked, nobody would blame the kid.

Nobody would blame him.

But I mean, wow, what a legacy.

Don't panic first, pray first.

But I wanted to be like, good job, parents. He saw that in you. That's where he saw it. And he saw it at church. And he probably saw it in his leaders at church. I mean, it's not even just the parents. We want a legacy that even goes beyond our family, right? I mean, but our family first and foremost. But like, prayer is such an incredible thing to teach your kids and to, you know, all the prayers you pray over your kids and even the people in your life. But such a simple way to make a profound impact.

Man, so good. That challenges me. That encourages me. All right, friends, well, we are gonna pivot to my favorite part of the episode, every episode. It's your questions. And thank you for those who write questions. You can send us questions on Instagram @DaveAndAshleyWillis or go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com. Today's question says this: My husband and I seem to have trouble with compromising. This may seem trivial, but it really does have an effect on both of us. I always like to have all the blinds and curtains in our home open during the day, and he likes to have them all shut except maybe one window, letting in a little bit of light. I feel like I need the natural light to feel more energized and happy. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and being in a dark environment doesn't help. He says that he is compromising by having blinds on one window partially open. He feels that I just want things my way. Do you have any advice for us?

Oh man, I know what your advice is going to be. I'll just let you take this.

When a vampire meets a non-vampire and it's like, are we going to have sunlight or not? Oh man, I feel like my advice to husbands in the home, like the happiest, the happiest homes that I know of tend to be where ones where what happens in the home in terms of that, the house itself, that the husband in those settings, if it's a preference setting, defers to the wife's preference. The settings where the husband is like, domineering and says, this is the paint color we're gonna have, this is the amount of blinds we're gonna have, it's never a happy home ever. I've not seen an example of it. And I'm thinking of real people in my head when I say this. But when the husband's like, God is uniquely, he uniquely gifted the woman to be the heart of the home, the thermostat of the home. And yes, it takes both. And that doesn't mean she gets to be domineering. No, not at all. Either. But defer to her preferences, help her shine, help her thrive. That, I mean, if a husband is just demanding every aspect of the house be to his liking, that dude is creating an environment that his kids cannot wait to leave and that his wife is gonna be miserable in. But if you make it to where your wife's as happy as she can be in the home, that happiness spreads. And my gosh, dude, Let her open the blinds.

Well, and I think this is also a mental health issue because there's something called seasonal affect disorder. I'm not saying this woman has this, but that's a real thing that probably more people have than are diagnosed with. And I'm not one who loves to just shell out diagnoses, but it sounds like, I mean, if anything, she's got a touch of that where it truly, if you don't get enough of that sunlight, the vitamin D, your body, especially certain times of year where it's real gloomy, it really can affect affect one's mental health. I mean, I have people that I work with who literally are affected by this, and there's whole therapies, like light therapy, that are meant to help people who have this. But the best thing, don't get a light if you don't have to, the best thing, and any mental health practitioner will tell you this, is to just go and get natural light. They would say, keep your blinds open, let that light go work beside a window, go out for a walk. Vitamin D. So I feel like this has been, for some reason, there might be an underlying issue that we don't know about here.

Maybe he's trying to save a few bucks. He's like, oh, well, like, I mean, maybe letting the light in is making the air conditioning bill go higher. And he might have some practical reason. You gotta talk through all those things.

But, or he's just, I was thinking maybe there's like this, she gets her way so much, I just can't give her this or something. But the fact of the matter is you're either gonna win together or lose together. And right now you both are losing. You both losing. This, yeah. So I hope that gives some food for thought. It's definitely something that, more conversation needs to happen around it. But both, both of you have to be like, how can we have more peace here? But I would say if it's ever, you know, when it comes down to like a health, like physical health or mental health issue, my goodness, give the woman her sunlight. Like, I don't understand. Like, I feel like this is, this is a no-brainer. But again, maybe there's something we don't know here.

So yeah, but hopefully that helps. Yes. Friends, great question. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode and this whole series. We're, we're so honored that you, uh, just brought us on your car ride or your workout or whatever you got. Ashley's giving me her signal, the arm touch. I just wanted to add something real quick. I've got something really good. It's my little signal.

If you wanna go deeper with any of these things we talked about in this series, our book, "Do Marriage Better," goes deeper and talks about all of these subjects. So you can go to Amazon, you can get that today, "Do Marriage Better." That's right, yeah.

The audiobook in particular, I really— Yes, yes. So good. Well friends, as always, you can check out xomarriage.com for the latest from this ministry, a lot of free resources. To help you out there. And, uh, please tell a friend about the Naked Marriage Podcast. We're so excited to be back. The best is yet to come. We'll see you next time.