Are We Going Through A Sexual Slump? | The Naked Marriage Podcast

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And you guys know what time it is. It is Sexy September.

That's right.

That's right. And we are so excited to start this series with you. We're actually going to talk about something that we get a lot of emails about. Right, sweetie?

Yeah. And that's when you. You fall into what we call a sexual slump. And maybe you don't use the word slump, but a slump just means, like, you're. You know, you're. You're rut. You're out of the routine. You know, things are not connecting maybe like they once did. You don't have the frequency you once did. And for whatever reason, this part of your marriage is just sort of. I don't know, it's just blah. Yeah, just kind of blah. It's meh. Or maybe it's not even happening at all in extreme cases. And most couples will go through some forms of sexual slump in their marriage. And so we're just gonna have a real honest conversation about what to do when and if that happens in your marriage. So let's dive in.

You know, sweetie, I'm so glad we're talking about this topic. I've actually had an influx of emails from, really, both husbands and wives recently that have been asking about how to approach their spouse about feeling like they're in a sexual slump. I mean, they've really, really been concerned about it because they don't want to hurt them, but they do also not want to keep going as they're going. Right. And so we've had it, like I said, from both husbands and wives. And as far as that question, like, well, how do I approach my spouse if I feel like, you know, things are just kind of blah right now in our sex life? And I would say, you know, you. You have to go and first ask them kind of how they think things are going. I think it's good to first give them that first kind of word. And then if they say, well, I think things are good, you know, you're hoping that they ask you, well, how do you think things are going? Right. That kind of gives you your end to share with them. But even if they don't ask you the question back, this gives you that opportunity to say, well, you know, I just. I just feel like maybe we're not doing it as frequently as we used to, or we need to, or I feel like things have kind of become the same Old, same old thing. We're not exploring any kind of variety here with positions, with, you know, preferences, whatever, And. And I just feel like we're kind of going through the motions. I don't feel that intimacy, that true connection, which is the entire point of sex, right? And. And then just have like a really honest conversation about it. This is not a place to be accusatory or to be like, you are lame. You know, just really be kind about it, but also be honest.

You know, you gotta be honest, right? And maybe when you ask the question like, how do you feel like things are going? I think just by asking that, you know, your spouse is probably gonna know that you're wanting to talk about it for the purposes of bringing some improvement. And we shouldn't get defensive. If our spouse comes to us and says that we shouldn't get defensive, like, oh, my gosh, you know, you think, I'm not trying or I'm doing something wrong or whatever else, but instead to really lean in and say, look, this is one of the most important aspects of our marri. You know, a lot of times we write about this couples, people will get defensive and just say, well, it's just not even that important to me. Or it's not important to me. And there's this defensive tone where you can tell probably their spouse has come to them and wanted more frequency, wanted more attention on this area. But for they themselves, they have just decided that it's not important. And that so because it's not important to them, then it shouldn't be important to their spouse anymore. And they starve their spouse in this area. And it just creates resentment, it creates frustration, and ultimately it can be a major contributing factor to the whole marriage falling apart. But there are a lot of things that can. Legitimate reasons why a person can start losing interest in sex, medical, I mean, hormonal, lots of other things. And so we want to talk about some of those factors which we've experienced and what some of the remedies are. Because we live in a time, guys, where there are solutions, medical solutions, other solutions for almost any issue you can face. Plus, there's just the solution of effort and prayer and things that all of us have access to all the time.

It's so true. And I think first let's talk about, like, what are some signs that a couple might be in a sexual slump? You know, because I think we need to define, you know, what. What are some signs, sweetie? Like, where would you start with thinking? I mean, this isn't like to give anybody Anxiety or to create a problem, there isn't a problem. You guys are fine. But like in case you're like maybe you have an inkling that you might be, but you're just needing more clarity. What, what would you say are some signs of a sexual slump?

I think one of the most obvious and measurable ones is if there's a noticeable lack of frequency compared to what there used to be.

Right.

And I'm not saying that when you've been married for 50 years, you're probably going to be making love as often as you did as newlyweds, different seasons, there's just going to be different levels of frequency. But if there's been, you're both healthy people, but there's this drop off where you were like a lack of interest. A lack of interest, right. Then that's something to really take notice of and to address and to try to get to the root of why. I think that's probably the most obvious one. But also maybe even when you are actually in the mode of making love, even if the frequency hasn't really gone down, if there's just a lack of connection in that moment where one spouse maybe feels like there's just sort of check checked out, they're just like, okay, let's just get through this as quickly as possible. Then that's something obviously to address of like how do we get the connection? Thriving sex life and marriage. It isn't just about frequency. It's not just about checking a box that we did it X amount of times, but it's about making sure there's real connection in those moments. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, in every way. Are we really deeply connecting and celebrating the oneness that God created us to have in marriage and making sure that mutually prioritizing each other's pleasure in this moment and if sex is becoming one sided then that is its own slump.

Well, I was going to talk about that. I think another sign is where one or both of you are never experiencing orgasm. I think that that's a slump. Right.

And we'll talk about that specifically next week. But yeah, that's a huge one.

That's a huge one. And that's kind of what you're talking about with it being one sided or no sighted like where no one is actually like you're going through the motions and you're like, okay, I'm tired, just let's forget it, let's just go to bed. I think that that's also a slump. So just that that's kind of defining a slump. And again, I think sometimes what one spouse considers a slump may not be a slump to the other, because maybe, you know, the one spouse has higher. A desire for higher frequency when it comes to sex, and the other is just fine, but it still is a slump. If one of you is left very, like always wanting more. Like always wanting more, that that would be considered a slump. But I think, you know, as far as kind of some. Some things we can do, I think, again, it starts with conversation. I mean, like, the best way we can address something is just by starting the conversation. Right, sweetie?

Communication is the key to a thriving sex life. Yeah, it's a key to thriving in pretty much any part of marriage. But again, couples don't talk about their sex life. We find in the work that we do, they just. They're afraid to talk about it. They're afraid to be vulnerable in that way. They're afraid to offend their spouse, perhaps, and making their spouse feel defensive, like. But you have to be able to talk about your sex life. You know, we've got resources designed just to kind of help you talk. We have a book called the Counterfeit Climax that, you know, among other things, it really has a lot of conversation guides around sex to help spouses. We want to help. In fact, like, we haven't mentioned our Instagram in a long time on this episode, but on the program. But if you write us aveandashleywillis on Instagram, we can try to send specific resources that way as well. And the questions you send, we really appreciate. But a lot of what we create, even these episodes that we're doing now, really, primarily what they're designed to do is just help you and your spouse have new conversations around these issues, because that's where a marriage grows, that's where breakthrough happens, is when two spouses will really communicate about sex. And the time to communicate about sex, it isn't just in the moment. Right. But even more importantly, it's on a walk, it's over breakfast. It's to say, you know, like, what. What. What would you like to see different in our sex life? Or if what. What in your mind would be like, an ideal sex life between the two of us? Or when in our marriage did you feel like our sex life was at its best?

Right.

And what are we doing differently to have gotten away from that? How do we get back to that?

Yeah, like, what can we actually do to get there? And, you know, there are certain seasons where we should maybe anticipate the possibility of a sexual slump and how we can get ahead of that is talking about it and making plans to kind of be ahead of that or remedy that really before it happens. And so, you know, one that really comes to the forefront of my mind is maybe after having a child. Okay.

Oh, sure.

You know, there's a time after having a child when a woman really is not supposed to. Supposed to have sex because you're letting everything heal down there. And this is whether, you know, it's. I think it's actually about five or six weeks if you have a vaginal birth, and it's about two months if you have a cesarean section. And so it varies based on what your doctor tells you. Definitely follow your doctor's orders. But really, you kind of also know when your body feels healed, and if you. If you go too soon, you can do damage, you know, because everything's trying to heal after you've birthed a baby. So it's very important that you adhere to those doctor's orders. But what I also find with a lot of women, and I've experienced myself, is after that five or six weeks that you're healing, and then, you know, sex is coming and is something that needs to happen. You can get excited about it, but also so many women experience a bit of apprehension. And part of it, I think, is due to the less we are having sex, the less we end up desiring it. And it's kind of this. I mean, it's a muscle of sorts, I guess you could say, where you're really. You're almost training your body to know when it needs sex. I mean, essentially.

Right, you're right. And so it's. When you're not doing it for that one spouse at least, that's not doing it. That's losing interest and not doing it because they're losing interest. The less they do it, the less interest they'll have until there's just.

You said one spouse not doing it. I mean, it's both spouses not doing it.

Right, Both spouses not doing it. What I mean is when one spouse is just feeling like they want more of it.

Oh, right, right.

But it's still not happening. The other spouse is. The reason why they're not doing it is because they don't really feel like doing it. But then the less they do it, the less they want it. And then perhaps this other spouse just grows more and more resentful. And then the other. The spouse that's not interested is just like, well, you've got to get over it, because I'm not in the mood. And so you're just going to have to live without it.

And that's a hard place. And I think sometimes it can turn into the dynamic you're describing after the birth of a baby if it goes way past that five or six weeks. And let me just say too, you know, after having a baby too, because a lot of people are like, well, there's other ways to sexually satisfy each other, you know, during that, that interim time. And there certainly are those ways. But let's just be honest, you're also exhausted. You've just had a baby, you know.

You'Re not feeling sexy, you're not feeling.

Sexy, you're knee deep in diapers and nursing and just breast milk. And I mean, it's just a really hard time, a beautiful time, but like a hard time. And for a lot of women, it's like sex is literally just not on our minds, you know. And so it's something where we have to be, we have to be kind of really honest with our husband about like, how things are going and how we're feeling. And the husband has to be very tender with the wife because, and very patient. But I hear, you know, a lot of husbands, if it doesn't happen right when they get that doctor, you know, usually you have an appointment where the doctor will give you, you know, at that five or six week point, he'll give you the, you know, go ahead to say, like, okay, you're fine, you're healed. If you'd like to have, you know, sex with your spouse, then have at it. And it's like, I've heard some women say that when that happens and they, you know, they feel like their husband's been waiting and he's just like ready to pounce, but their mind and their body aren't quite there yet. And I remember one time we were actually speaking at a marriage conference and the pastor's wife spoke also on this panel we did. And she was saying how after the birth of one of their kids, she, she just got so anxious and apprehensive about knowing that at that six week mark she would then be allowed to have sex. And she said, it's not that I, she's like, I've always enjoyed sex with my husband. But like, for some reason it's like her mind and body couldn't get around it. So then she prolonged it even longer and like weeks, you know, and she said, and every week I wanted it less and less. And I just. And then when my husband would approach me lovingly about wanting to make love. She's like, I just started getting resentful and angry and even more anxious. And she said. And finally she talked to a friend of hers about it, and the friend was like, it's going to take you really going and just taking it slow again with your husband, but moving towards making love again. Because this can't become the new norm.

You know, you gotta just rip the band aid off.

Right. But in a very, like, take it slow, you know. And she said. And so they did. And she said. And it was so, like, he was very tender with her and very understanding. But she said it was like the more they started having sex, you know, regularly, like they did before the baby, the more she looked forward to it. And so she said it just reminded her how, again, you are training kind of your body to. Of when to expect sex, like the frequency that you get used to. And this, let me just say this is why we talk about masturbation and marriage in other episodes. This is why that's so dangerous. Because if, like, this wife is healing from the birth of a baby and obviously can't have intercourse and then the husband maybe is taking care of things on his own, it becomes off. You know, you're becoming off.

You're training yourself in different ways and you're.

And yourself. You're fulfilling it yourself.

Yeah. When you're doing it yourself, then, you know, like we said in a past episode, you're training yourself to be a very selfish lover.

Exactly. Exactly.

For sex to be a very selfish act instead of a point of really connection. And so that's. That's not the answer. And the couples that get into that rut, they just go deeper down that road of just sort of disconnection and resentment where if a wife's like, well, I'm just not interested in sex. I'm not going to do it. And then she wants it less and less. The husband's masturbating more and more.

Or vice versa. There can be seasons.

Vice versa, yeah, absolutely. I don't mean to ever say one of these is always men, always women, but it's either spouse can fall into that rut.

And I think it's for different reasons. I think another season where we see sexual slumps is hormonal changes. And this can happen at any time, but kind of. We've talked about Dave's testimony when he had a testosterone kind of plummet because of his thyroid issue with Hashimoto's. And you said you started getting kind of anxious about sex because of your hormones being Off?

Oh, yeah. At the low point, you know, my hormones were so low that I went from having a very high sex drive for all of my adult life to having no sex drive, and then actually a point lower than that, being anxious about the idea of sex because I was frankly afraid that I wouldn't be able to perform because my testosterone was so low. So testosterone levels are huge. I mean, it makes a massive difference. And if you feel off and your energy and your sex drive and your sexual performance, you know, get that checked. There are solutions. You know, I'm on testosterone right now, and I feel like a new man. I really do. And other things, too.

I mean, like your energy, your mood.

My energy, mood. I mean, I'm also for the thyroid stuff. I'm on all kinds of stuff. I'm on a, you know, two thyroid medications, testosterone and antidepressant. And I take a bunch of, you know, like, supplements and vitamins and stuff, too. But it took a long time to kind of get. Get everything balanced back out. But it's worth the effort. You don't have to stay stuck. Some of those hormonal changes are from a specific diagnosis, but a lot of them are just part of the life cycle. You know, when a woman hits menopause, you know, your. Your hormones are going to drastically change, permanently change in different ways. But that's something that, again, because of modern medicine we have. There are ways to help sort of, I don't know, take the edge off some of those changes and even, you know, even supplement to the point where you don't necessarily have to feel the full effects of those hormonal changes.

Right. And let me tell you, I know this is a sensitive issue. I'll never forget, years ago, we actually did a talk about the seasons of sex, and we received an email from a husband whose wife, during that talk, got very upset because she's in the midst of menopause and because of where she is, and she's had a horrible time with menopause. Like, it. It has a spectrum, okay? And this poor woman, I mean, she just had extreme symptoms and reactions to these hormonal changes she was going through. And because it was such a sensitive subject for her, we were talking about finding solutions. And what she heard in that talk was, you're not doing enough. And that's not at all. We were saying, I mean, not. Please just make. Make sure, you know, that we are not saying that or that it was.

Somehow her fault or it was her fault. I mean, we were no natural process that she's going through, it's.

She can't help it.

She can't help it at all. But when you're already sensitive and you're already, you know that you're physically, you've gone through a lot and you're tired.

And you're weary and it hurts. Like for a lot of women going through menopause, I have not been there yet, but I have many friends who have been through this. And it can sometimes just sex hurts. It doesn't feel good anymore. There's sometimes dryness that it takes a while to find the right kind of lubricant that makes it, you know, not just tolerable but pleasurable again. And I know we're talking very frankly, guys, but we're just trying to help you with this. And I remember we got this email from this husband just desperate to find help for his wife, but also talking about how just for us just to be extra aware and really just informed on how sensitive this is. And I'm glad he wrote us. Like he was so concerned. And I just want to say this because of that man, you know, and because of just the research we've done on this and also friends who've gone through it, I do think this is a time where we all need to be really sensitive. Like spouses need to be extra sensitive to each other. And you know, this husband was saying like with his wife, he's had to be really patient with trying to help her navigate this. Because another side of menopause is an emotional just your mood. Sometimes they can just come from, I mean it can just hit you from nowhere that your mood is all over the place. And again, there are certain supplements and medications I think that can help to lessen the blow, so to speak. But also like the, I've heard from our mothers, you know, talking about this, like, women can experience crazy shifts in temperature which can become very off putting and kill the mood real fast. Like they can be like burning up hot and then freezing cold and just feeling sweaty all of a sudden and just, you know what I'm saying, not feeling in the mood. And then there's weight gain a lot of times that accompanies menopause. And so then not only are you sex doesn't feel good anymore. I mean this is really making menopause sound great, you guys, but I'm just being really honest about how this is a hard season for women.

Thank you. For those of you who've written us in that season or at the start of it, the middle, the end of it, Sharing your experiences. Because these stories need to be shared.

They need to be shared.

It's a natural part of the life cycle that isn't talked about enough, especially as it relates to sex and marriage. But we need to.

Well, and we want to prepare for that and also be informed while we're in it, but also have compassion for each other. But it's, you know, if sex becomes more painful for some, you're gaining weight, so you don't feel as good about your body. Your mood's all over the place. So it's obviously, it's a time when husbands and wives, the wife needs to be aware of these changes and sensitive to the fact to how she may come off to her husband. But also the husband needs to be so grace filled in, trying to help her navigate this and trying to make her feel more comfortable. And those are the couples that get through this time. You know, better. And I want to mention this, but again, you need to really talk to your doctor about what options will work for you and your particular, like your body and what you deal with. But there's something called bioidentical hormones. Hormones. There's a specific brand called BioID. I think I'm saying that right, sweetie? And it's a pellet. It's a hormonal pellet, which sounds weird, but they basically shoot this pellet into your hip, and for four months, your body will pull the hormones it needs from this pellet to help level out some of those hormones that are leaving your body during menopause. And that usually is a conglomeration of estrogen and testosterone that you need. The testosterone helps to boost the sex drive, make it more pleasurable, give you more energy, help you also stave off some of the weight gain and get muscle tone, while the estrogen can balance out the mood and even the moisture that you need. And so look into that. That may be something that could be a possibility for you. Maybe not. But there's other things. I know there's creams that women can use to help to balance out estrogen levels and things like that. So it's important. You know, obviously certain women can't do these things because of their cancer survivor. Right.

Cancer survivors, you know, things that just make you more sensitive to kind of hormonal changes. Hormonal treatments, rather.

Right.

So, yeah, it's not for everyone, but for most people, I would say there's.

Some kind of solution to help you.

Right. And even if the direct hormone replacement isn't an option, there are other things that can help and help you feel better. And so just keep pursuing that and keep tenderly and patiently working with each other through those changes. And we've got a lot more on this, guys, in past episodes in our book, the Counterfeit climax and@exomarriage.com and some articles. But stick around for next week as we we're going to talk about kind of take this, this conversation the next step to talk about the, the Orgasm Gas and Gap and what to do about it. So don't miss the Climax as we say.

Oh, my goodness.

We'll see you guys next time.

Bye, guys.