Changing Seasons in Marriage | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our series about the seasons of marriage. And we're going to talk today about the teenage years and how to keep your marriage strong when you have teenagers in the house. And I'm really excited about this conversation, but before we jump in, I want to share another review. Thank you guys so much for leaving your reviews. It is the very best way to let others know about the Naked Marriage podcast. So thank you for taking the time to do that. Today's review is from rlmura2, and it's entitled Marriage Game Changer. They say I stumbled on this podcast and I immediately knew I had to listen to every episode. My husband and I listened together at times, too, and I've been a big. I've seen a big change in how we handle things. I love Dave and Ashley's approach, which is modern and not super legalistic, but still centers around the Bible without compromise. I believe the Bible is whole and complete, but sometimes we need a bridge to help us into the Word, and Dave and Ashley have done just that. My marriage is improving in so many ways since listening to this podcast. Podcast. Thank you, Dave and Ashley, and God, for using them. Thank you so much for leaving that.

That's why we do it.

It is why we do it. Exactly.

It's so encouraging. And so. And those. Those reviews not only encourage us, but it does help other people discover the podcast, which is why we share them here on the air as an affirmation and encouragement to those who are leaving reviews. It's the best way to let other people know about these important conversations. That's right. So thank you guys so much for that. Thank you for tuning in today. Like Ashley said, it's a great topic as we continue on our seasons of marriage, talking about teenager. So let's dive into today's episode.

All right. I am so excited to talk about keeping your marriage strong while having teens. Because, you guys, we are living it.

We are living it. We are living it.

We have two teenagers at home, a senior in high school and a sophomore. And then, you guys know, we also have two elementary schoolers. And so, you know, we're getting ready to launch our first child, but we're still in the thick of those teenage years, and there's a lot that God's been teaching us through this, wouldn't you say, sweetie?

It definitely is. And so, as we've done with all these Episodes, you know, next week, we'll follow up with an interview related to this. And our dear friends Eric and Keisha Gomez are here, and they've got some great insights about this season. But, yeah, we're learning a lot. We're learning a lot and reaching out to mentors who've kind of walked this road before because we want to. Every season of parenting, every season of marriage looks different. But the teenage years of parenting and how that can affect your marriage, it has some unique, again, like all seasons, unique blessings and unique challenges. And we're learning what it means to kind of shift from the sort of relationship we have with younger kids where we're, you know, we're teaching everything and they're dependent on us for everything, to now dealing with young men who are becoming independent but still needing our guidance, still needing structure, still needing even discipline to a certain extent. Extent that looks totally different, obviously, than it looks when you're a small child. But what does freedom look like with somebody who has a driver's license, with someone who's getting ready to leave the house? And what are the things that we need to do now to ensure that we're building the kind of relationship with those older boys that makes them want to come home from college and come home someday with their own kids and all that. But at the same time, still, in these last few years, we have with them under our roof, what lessons do we need to teach them? What does our relationship need to look like? And as we always talk about here, and how does this impact our marriage? Like, how do we still prioritize our marriage through this unique season?

And it is unique. You know, I know I was listening to a podcast on some kind of Christian radio network. I can't remember which one it was, but there was an author who had written a book, and it was all about how, you know, in our culture, we don't have something in the teenage years where we're blessing our sons and daughters. Remember when I talked to you about this rite of passage in the rite of passage, marking the moment, you know, making it a milestone moment as much as these other cultures do. And in particular, he was talking about in the Jewish culture, you know, they have a bar mitzvah for a boy, and it's.

Is it bar mitzvah?

Bar mitzvah for a girl? Am I saying that right?

Yes, I think we're pronouncing that right.

I think we're pronouncing that right.

Forgive us, brethren. Please feel free to write in, and.

Please feel free to Correct us. But basically. And you guys have probably seen this in movies, you may have friends who have had these, or maybe you've attended one or had one yourself. But they, you know, it's this rite of passage saying, you know, not only are you becoming a man, becoming a woman, but we're giving you our blessing. And I remember this guy that was interviewed for this book that he wrote about blessing. He was talking about how this is really biblical, and there's something inside that, you know, both men and women, where we want to know we have our parents blessing. And it's really. It's not that we're letting go in that moment, but it's like, it's kind of the beginning of the long letting go.

Yeah.

And. And I've heard several podcasts on this. There's another podcast I want to recommend called Launch with Jamie Ivey and Lisa Whittle. And it's helped me so much. It's not just about launching your kids to college or careers or whatever. It's really about every season, how you're kind of moving into each season of raising kids. And they even talk about marriage in there, too. But it's really helped me because they talk about this long letting go, especially with teenagers. And I was thinking about, you know, with. With our first Cooper, we kind of took that to heart, and we were like, how can we make more of a milestone moment out of this? So we tried to make 13th birthdays something really special. And for Cooper, I know we got all his friends together. We, like, had a bigger party than we would have had. I even think we got a limo. And then we really spoke words into him to affirm him becoming a man. Do you remember this, sweetie?

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

It's really special. It really marked the moment.

We were getting ready to move at the time.

Yes.

So we also. We wanted to mark that because he was the one having the hardest time with the move, leaving some friends behind. And so we really tried to make that a special, special time, you know, for him. And we've since moved back, and he's like, re established all the relationships. But another little tradition that we established early on, and we borrowed this from Bob Goff, a great Christian writer and student.

Don't you just love Bob Goff? Isn't he just, like, a gift to the world?

He is.

Bob, we want to have you on our podcast, guys. Make it happen. Let Bob know that we want him on him and his wife. Like, we would love to have them on the podcast.

So, yes, we'd Love to have them both. We don't really know them. I've met him once.

Yes, we know people that know him. We can make this happen.

Well, they're great.

They're awesome.

But he has this tradition with his kids where it's 10 year old adventures. So like when they turn 10, they can pick anywhere and go on an adventure with him. We kind of made our own adaptation of that.

We did.

And in our house we're all about experiences more than things. And so we kind of save up and budget and plan for this though the year the kids turn 10, not right at their birthday, but at some point during that year they can go on an adventure with Ashley, with their mom, one on one, wherever in the United States they want to go.

In the continental United States within three days, right?

Yeah, like a three day trip. And so one of our kids went to Washington D.C. and one went to New York City and one went to Disney World and they all three were great. And it's wonderful, especially in a bigger family, that one on one time is really, really special. Now when they turn 13 again, that kind of rite of passage year for us borrowed from Jewish tradition of 13 marking really that entry into that first phase of adulthood. They take an adventure with me and it can be international. Now we don't go to the other side because again, it's only like a three day tr. So we went with Cooper, our oldest, we went to London and it was a quick trip. I mean, I don't think we slept that first night because we didn't sleep on the plane and we hit the ground running with jet lag. But it was such a cool adventure, riding around a double decker bus, walking around jolly old London town. And it was just so fun to see him light up and have that adventure together. And then with Connor, the year that he turned 13, we got delayed a little with COVID but I know we.

Didn'T get to do a party with him.

I know, I felt so bad because I know Covid kind of wrecked that. But like a party before he turned 14, we were finally able to take him and I took him to Costa Rica, which is a beautiful place. It was just a couple hour flight and a really neat place to visit and we had some adventures and went zip lining and just that's more his speed. He loves the adventurous stuff and so finding something that really helps you bond with that particular child, like what are they into? Cooper loves big cities, he loves all that. Connor loves adventurous stuff. And that one on one time, even just those few Days. It creates memories that we'll never forget, definitely.

And when they're teenagers, you are just longing for those moments. I think that's something that I've just noticed more and more, is they become a little insular. I feel like during your teenage years, not only are hormones are rampant, your body's changing, friendships change. You know, they're processing a lot. School's getting harder. They're also trying to figure out, you know, who am I like, you know, what kind of person do I want to be and what am I really good at? You know, I think there. There's a lot of inadequacy and insecurity during the teenage years. And I remember that. I mean, I know, you know, we're in our 40s, but I mean, I. Like I always say on here, we all have that inner middle schooler that just never goes away.

Right. I'm still awkward. I'm still waiting down.

We all have these awkward. Yeah, we have these things that just feel awkward. And we're, you know, a lot of kids, the way they process is they get kind of insular. And so especially boys. I find this more with boys because my friends who have girls, I think girls can hold things in more, but they. They tend to come out more. And I think that with boys, it's just, I don't know, they get a little quieter. Wouldn't you say, sweetie? And you said you and your brothers were this way, too.

Yeah, I mean, I went through that for sure. And we're seeing that now in our older boys. And there's nothing weird about that. It's just kind of how a lot of guys process stuff in those teenage years. But it takes extra effort on our part, for sure, to find ways to connect with them. And it's kind of trial and error. So, like with Ashley, she's found that food is the way to a boy's.

Heart very often, you guys.

So she takes them out to eat one on one and lets them pick the place. And it's kind of like dates with mom and.

Or I'll make a special meal or make a special meal, because I know that's when they'll emerge. They'll smell it.

Yeah. All of a sudden, that food brings them together. But food. Food is a way to connect with him, for sure. With me, like, I try to find some activity to do, and it's usually something as simple as, like, taking the dog for a walk, you know, like, our. Our older two boys, they love our dog, and I can usually talk them into, hey, let's let's go on a walk and we walk the dog together when we're in motion side by side. This is just neuroscience proves this is a way men open up more when we're walking side by side. They open up a whole lot more than they do when I just. When they get home from school and I'm like, hey, tell me about your day. And they just like, grunt and don't say anything.

That's not the best time.

They don't want to talk. And so I've learned, like, you know what, it's cool. They don't want to talk, right Then that's fine.

You're better at that than me, though. I'm still like, I want to talk to you after you come home from school. I don't need to, like, have a full blown conversation, but I want to know what's going on. That's been a little bit of a sticking point for me as a mom because I'm like, I just want to know.

Just talk to me.

I want to gauge, I guess the counselor inside of me is like, I want to gauge your heart. Like, I want to know where your heart and mind is right now. And so I've had to literally. My oldest, he's more of an introvert, and I get it. I'm an introvert too. And when he comes home from school, he needs to decompress. He's been around people all day, he's been talking all day, and he needs to decompress. And I get that. And that's how I was as a teenager as well. But I also think that we have to teach our kids just basic communication skills where when someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean you have to give, like a detailed answer, but you just, you know, especially your parents, you look them in the eye, you show them respect, and you answer in a basic way how your day was. And so we're working on that. But it's just, you know, it's not the best time. Excuse me? It's not the best time to get the best out of Cooper. And I'm noticing that. But what I have found, and I actually learned this from my friend who runs the Boy mom podcast, another great podcast about raising kids. She was saying, like, with her teenager, she found that late night conversations were the best. That's when they really open up. And so she said they do. It is she's like, stay up a little later than you'd like to and just talk to them. Because she's found she's Raised four boys herself. She's like, that's when my kids would open up the most. And so I was like, I'm gonna take this and just see what happens. And sure enough, you know it's true, right, sweetie? We found that. It's like, all of a sudden, Cooper really wants to talk.

Like, to the point where, you know, I will have tried to talk to him through the day, and he won't want to talk. And then I'm laying in bed, literally laying in bed, half. Half dead, and he'll walk in and be like, dad, look at this. Look at this funny meme. Yeah. And I'm like, what? And, you know, and he's like, look at this. And then that. You know, that's how he connects. He'll show me something.

It's always a funny gif or meme.

And we can connect over humor. Even if sometimes I don't get it, you know, I'll still laugh, just.

And I usually don't get it.

I usually get it because I still have kind of that teenage sense of humor, I guess. And so we'll laugh about it, and then he'll show it to his mom, and she'll either be grossed out or confused, but.

And then he's so frustrated that I don't get it.

Why don't you get it? This is hilarious.

And I'm like, I may not get it, but I love you, and I want to talk, you know?

So he'll usually keep showing me stuff.

Yes, and he will. He'll go into, like, these talks sometimes, deep talks about faith and politics and dating and, you know, what went on at school or whatever. I mean, it's so. We've had to, you know, and I. I tend to be more of a night owl, but I'm not always. Necessarily. Even though I'm a night owl, that's not always a time I want to have big conversations. But I've had to push past that a little bit because I want to connect with. With our teenage sons. And so that might help you guys if you're having trouble connecting. I know, too. In this season of raising teenagers, we have, like, family dinners have always been important in our house, but they are so much more important now, wouldn't you say, sweetie? Because sometimes with their busy schedules, you know, Cooper, he's 17. He has a job. Of course, he has his own license, so he drives band. He is a weightlifter, so he's going to the gym, and he's part of different clubs at school, like Model UN and so he's busy. And we told him there was. There was a time he was trying to kind of skip out on that. And I'm like, dude, like, family dinners like this, this 10 to 15 minutes of the day is some of the most important time of the day.

Sacred. You gotta fight for it.

It is sacred. And I told him, I said, listen, I know you won't. With his work schedule, he can't always make everyone. But I said, four days a week. Four days. Okay. Just a little over half. That's when we need you here. Okay. And also things like, you know, church and youth group. Like saying, like, you know, I know you have some license to your schedule here, but this, this is sacred. We're gonna go to church as a family, and you're gonna attend youth group.

Yeah.

And. And I think just making those, you have certain things where they're non negotiables, but then giving them some negotiables, you know?

Yeah. Giving them that wiggle room. So, like, we don't want it to be rigid.

Yeah.

We don't want it to be legalistic.

Exactly.

And we want to honor their freedom, their growing freedom. You know, that each of our boys, there's wide age spread, as we've talked about. And so, you know, our younger boys look and see that the mass by their comparison, the massive amount of freedom the older boys have.

Oh, yeah.

And we explain to them, like, listen, well, yeah, as you get older, you'll have that kind of freedom too. And we have different milestones each grade, almost like bedtime changing and more freedom changing, more freedom with technology, when they get a phone, with time and all those things. And now Coop, our senior, is the point where he has, you know, he's a young man, you know, and he has an enormous amount of freedom. And we still, of course, ask him to follow basic guidelines.

He has chores.

He has chores. He has just by living under the roof, being part of the family. Just certain things that you gotta. You gotta do.

We require they get a job when they're 16. And so we told him, listen, we're not gonna pick where you work. You get to pick where you work.

That's right.

You get to research how much they pay per hour. You get to research what the qualifications are and how much you're required to work. Like, you know, some places they require you to work two shifts minimum, you know. So Cooper picked. He worked at a local chicken place. He realized he didn't. He thought his pay was too low. And I was like, well, if you think your pay Is too low. You've put it. I mean, he worked hard there.

I'm, like, trying to do it. I mean. Yeah. Which is.

He was a dish pit guy.

Character building.

It was very character building.

Work with your hands and sweat and get dirty and not make a lot of money and.

But have a good day's work.

Have a good day's work. An honest day's work. Learn to interact with other kinds of people and a team environment and with customers and all of that. It's great life skills. And it did help him a lot.

It did. But then when he, after a while was like, I think I want a new job. We're like, well, what kind of job? And he kind of talked about it, and he decided he wanted to apply to Jimmy John's. We're huge fans of Jimmy John's. And so he went through that interview process, got the job, and he's had. I think he's had, like, one raise, but he's just figuring out how the world works.

And that's a sandwich shop if you don't have that in your area.

Oh, I think Jimmy. Yes. In United States, it's pretty wide. But those international folks, it's basically like, you know, it's a sub sandwich, which is, you know, like a loaf of bread. You cut it in half, and you put some meat in the middle with some veggies. It's delicious.

Yum, yum. It's what Ashley craved after her first baby was born.

So it's really.

And I brought it on the wrong.

Kind of bread because the Jimmy John's bread is amazing.

And I brought, like, wheat instead of white. And she normally gets wheat, but on Jimmy John, she loves the white.

I know.

And she was so tired and hungry, and she looked at me and she.

Goes, it's the wrong bread.

I felt like a jerk.

You're so sweet to bring it to me. I don't want it. Jimmy John's bread.

I felt like a jerk.

But look at our son now. I know I can get Jimmy John's anytime I want.

Exactly.

I know.

Hey, before we land the plane on this, I wanted to share a few things that we're learning in marriage in this season.

Yes.

And I would say a few things that we're learning and experiencing. One of the benefits of the teenage season is that it gives us a lot more freedom to be able to go out because you've got kids. I mean, obviously, teenagers can be left alone, but they also are built in babysitters.

And we do pay them. We pay them all we don't want them to resent it.

Yeah, we pay them some, but there's not a lot they have to do because even our younger boys are fairly self sufficient at this point. But that has been nice to be able, after years of struggling, to find reliable, consistent childcare. And we've always made that effort. Like, don't make excuses about childcare. You can find it if you're willing to look for it. But now that our kids are older, that part has been nice. And I think we've also been maybe even more intentional than ever about our own interactions with each other because we realize, and we've always been intentional about this, but we realize our teenage boys are entering into that season where they're going to begin relationships and we're what they're looking at to see how relationships are supposed to be. So by the way we treat each other, we're showing them just through our actions, not through our lessons that we're teaching, just by the way we're living. We're showing them how to talk to, to that person of the opposite sex, how they want, how we, how we desire for them to talk to their future wife, how they should expect their future wife to talk to them. What's normal?

How do you spend your time?

What's. Yeah, how do you spend your time? The tenderness with one another, the playfulness with one another. And I just think, I think that's so important. It's all, it's important in every season. But especially as they get older and they're starting to, to figure out, like, what do I want a future marriage to look like, A serious relationship to look like there's so much weight in the way that we interact with each other.

There is. And I, you know, I can see that it brings comfort when they see that their parents, who are not perfect. And we make sure that's clear too. We're like, literally there's no perfect human beings out there. So there's no perfect marriage. Every marriage has things they have to work through. But I think that they find such comfort in knowing their parents love each other and are, you know, doing their best to have a solid marriage. And you know, I can see they want to act grossed out, like when they see us kissing or something or they love it or hugging. But you kind of see in their eyes like there's a comfort to that, like mom and dad.

Oh, mom and dad. Gross. But then they smirk like there is. There's a comfort in it.

There is.

Yeah.

But I want to say this. I Know, teenage. I think teenagers get a bad rap a lot of times, and I think a lot of us kind of dread it. I will say that the day that Cooper got his license and we have another one who's permitted. So Connor has his permit now. It does. I mean, it really is a milestone moment. And I remember for two weeks, I felt like I couldn't breathe because I'm like, oh, my gosh, my son's out there driving. And one thing that really helped me was number one prayer, Just really praying and saying, like, you know, God's got him. You know, God is with him. Lord, keep him safe. And just really trusting that God is with our son and that we taught him well and he knows what he's doing and will be a good driver and all those things. But also, there's an app called Life360, and it has been so good for us because we always know where he is. But also it shows us that driving, like, the speed, how his speed is.

Going, how fast he is driving.

And it's a good teachable moment because there were. There's been a couple times where he's gone a little too fast, and we've been able to talk to him about it. He actually hit a deer, and the deer, like, it was pretty traumatic for him because the deer ended up dying, and he was fine, but it really, really was traumatic.

And we made chili out of the.

No, we did not. But, I mean, I've heard that's pretty good, though. But no, he was really sad because he was like, I didn't. I think I was going a little too fast. And so just be prepared. If you don't have teenagers yet, there's going to be those moments. There's going to be times where, you know, you're just like, well, what were they thinking? Like, I mean, teenage brains don't work like an adult brain. I mean, they're still forming. And so the maturity is a process. Yeah, I mean, maturity is a process, and I think we're always learning that. Like, sometimes I'll get really worked up, and we'll be talking about, like, you know, why is he not doing this? Or, why did he do this? And I really. I'm just reminded that maturity, like, not every teenager is maturing at the same rate. And I think when we think of maturity in this season, we think of physical maturity. They may look like a man, they may look like a woman, but their brain has not totally caught up to that yet. And we have to remember that. And I think one of the Best things we can do is we do correct them. We do say, no, this is the standard. But always, you know, always affirm who they are in Christ and say, like, you know, you do know better than this and you can do better. And I see this in you. Listen, life is a journey. You've made a mistake, but you can do better. Because I do think that as teenagers, there's so much insecurity. We don't want to build on that insecurity. We as parents, we really want to affirm them and their identity in Christ. Because identity, let me tell you, the world is trying to tell them who they are. The world is literally trying to fit them into their mold and confuse them to no end. I mean, it is just an agenda. It is an agenda in our world right now. And we could have an entire podcast on this. But I don't think we need to live in fear and cower and just say, oh, well, you know, throw our hands up in the air and say, well, we can't do anything about it. We have to be that solid place, imperfect but solid, because we're built on the rock of Jesus Christ and say, no, there are truths. You are a son and a daughter of the most high God who has a wonderful plan for you. And yes, this world is crazy and confusing, but God is our constant. And when you look to God, you know you're never gonna be lost. That doesn't mean you're not gonna have questions. I mean, we're all gonna have questions. We're gonna waver sometimes, but we can always come back to knowing who we are in Christ. And I think that's the greatest thing we can do for our sons and daughters.

Man, that's so good. Friends, I hope this was an encouragement to you today. If you've got other friends who are raising teenagers, then chances are, if you've got teenagers, you probably have friends who do as well. Send this episode out to them, send them a text, post it online, tag them and say, hey, this helped me. I think this could help your family, too. And we appreciate you helping to spread the word in those kinds of things. God bless you guys. We look forward to seeing you next time.