A short podcast episode (Dave Willis and co-host) exploring what Christian married couples should consider off-limits sexually. Core claims: sex is designed for one husband and one wife within marriage; bringing other people into the bedroom—physically or virtually (affairs, threesomes, porn, erotica)—is off-limits; emerging technologies or non-human sexual outlets (sex robots) are treated as inappropriate. Items like vibrators may be permissible if used mutually and pastorally; rough sex (slapping, choking) may be allowed only when both spouses are fully consenting, safe, and enthusiastic, but deriving pleasure from causing pain signals deeper issues requiring counseling. Emphasis on protecting trust, purity, and submitting marriage to God.
Chapters
If both spouses are equally on board, equally enthusiastic, feel equally safe with just about anything, then you have the freedom to do it. We're continuing in our New Year's series on sex, challenging you to listen to one short episode every day for the first two weeks of the new year. And I hope that these episodes are leading to some really meaningful conversations with you and your spouse. And today's topic, which is, well, what's off limits in the bedroom is, as Christian married people, we have a ton of freedom. God's given us a bunch of freedom. But there are clearly some things that are just out of bounds, and we want to. We want to just talk specifically about what those things are.
Yeah. You know, I mean, marriage was God's idea, right? It goes back to the very first married couple, Adam and Eve, in the garden. In Genesis, it says he created the two of them, and the two of them were naked and unashamed. And, um, you know, we know that. That they. They were the first family. And we know that God, you know, created sex for marriage, specifically for one husband, one wife, within the context of marriage. And so, first and foremost, what's off limits is that we don't bring other people into our bedroom. So what's off limits? Polyamory. That's off limits. We don't have a sister wife. We don't have. Even though brother husband. You never hear about brother husbands.
Oh, gosh. It's all creepy.
It is. And Dave's like, why do you watch these? Is like, about sister wife. I've only watched that one. I think there's been. There's one called Seeking Sister Wife that came out after some, like, HBO show.
You were watching that was like, a fiction.
No. And I couldn't watch it. I was like, I didn't like it. So I just. I think the sister wives. I haven't watched all the episodes, but I just. I told Dave, I said, I love documentaries and reality tv when it's something that I know nothing about that is so different from my life. Like, even these cults. I'll watch, like, cult documentaries where I'm like, this is so weird, like, what happened? You know? And I'm. I'm interested in the psychology side of it. Like, why do people. These otherwise normal, everyday people falling into these relationships and things. Because I do believe that any of us can fall for counterfeits and things that are not of God and convince ourselves, well, no, this is okay. And so, like, I'm. I'm bringing up the whole polyamory thing and open Marriage, we call it all kinds of things, right? But it is so clear that as Christians, if you're, you know, a professed Christian follower of Christ and married, you know, to a professed Christian follower of Christ, you want to have a Christian marriage. I'm assuming for most of you listening, you at least want that or are currently trying to live that out, right? That's. That's why we're here. The Naked Marriage. We are a Christian podcast. And so number one when it comes to sex is that we do not. We do not go outside of. Of our marriage covenant. Covenant to meet our. Our sexual needs, right? That means we don't go have an affair. That means that we don't bring someone else into the bedroom in person or virtually, like, through things like pornography. We've talked so much about that porn is bad or even through. I think, for a big loophole, is a lot of these. These, like, erotica. I mean, it's basically female porn, right? I mean, there's a lot of ways we can do this, you guys, and it's so easy for any of us to fall for this because we are sexual human beings. I think that sometimes we can be engaged in lifestyles that kind of open us up to this more. So, like, if we're out drinking with buddies and with girls, and we open ourselves up to be more inclined to fall into these kind of extramarital relationships that we never saw ourselves doing. I mean, we get written about that like these people that do love their spouse that end up just. They have these. This lifestyle, I guess, for lack of a better word, where they're just hanging with the wrong people, doing things. They. They know they're. They're taking it too far, they're drinking too much, they're out too late, and they find themselves in compromising positions, and all of a sudden they're. They're having sex, you know, with somebody else. And it's just devastating. And so I just want to point. I mean, I know that should be obvious, but it's not. For so many. And there's so many of us, we convince ourselves, well, I would never do that. And if I. We would be like. Like, I mean, I just. I can't even tell you the amount of times people have written us about this, right, that they're like, I never thought that could happen to me. I never thought I would do that. And they fall into it, and it starts so subtly. We have such a crafty enemy who wants to come in between us and our spouse. And so we really have to really rein it in our habits and submit it to God. Surrender our marriage and our life and our lifestyle to God and make sure that we're not doing anything that is even tiptoeing around that pit that is so easy to fall into. And so, number one, I just want to make it very clear, and I know that's not why you clicked on this. Like, you're thinking, I'm going to talk about choking, slapping, cussing, all that. And we will. But I want to say, just to make it crystal clear, we don't have people coming in our bedroom and having threesomes. We're not having orgies. We're not. And. And yeah, we're. We're going there. You guys know, like, we're going to just say it on here. That's in the Bible. They talk about these things as not to do them. Yeah, right.
Oh, yeah. Because none of this is new.
This is not new.
Think that, like, sexual sins new. Like, you read about what the New Testament church was dealing with, and it's crazy ancient. You know, Rome and Athens and Ephesus and all these places where they were. And I mean, it was sexual sin and debauchery we can't even fathom. I mean, prostitution was legal. Pedophilia was legal.
Out in the open. Things were just out in the open.
And, you know, Paul's like, right in to the early church and said, you got to be different. As Christians, we're called to be different sexually. Like, that's one of the main ways that we're going to stand out from the broken world around us, because we were called to purity. And in the marriage bed, we have a ton of freedom. I mean, Christian married people should be having the best sex on the planet because we're the only ones doing it truly God's way. But we've got to break apart from what the world says is. Is okay. We can't get our idea, our sexual education from. From porn or from erotica or from Game of Thrones or from whatever's on Netflix right now. Like, we've got to say, God, what's your plan for sex and what's off limits? Because we've, you know, we're already kind of at our time for this episode. The main thing, like, as actually just said, it's just the two of you.
Yeah.
Virtually or physically, nobody else. You know, once, you know, like sex robots and all that, like, that's the next tech. And that's going to be the thing, people bringing that in. Well, it's not even.
That's not a person. They'll be like, that's not a person. But we're saying virtual.
It's a sex. Yeah, just a toy, guys. Like that's. We know in our heart that that's wrong. Right. To. To like, to. To sexually exploit the. The image of another human being.
Even if they're not like a modern.
Sorry, no, it's a modern form of bestiality.
That's what I was gonna say. Yeah.
Specifically forbidden the Bible, which was using like an animal for sexual release. But really I kind of see it as like any non human body for, you know, sex, any. Anything other than your spouse and is going to be off limits.
Well, now that this brings to question, and I know it might go a little bit longer, but people are wondering about, you know, things like vibrators and that. You know, we've talked about this before where that's something where there are certain scenarios where first for some women, you know, to help them reach climax.
Yeah.
They can use that as a tool.
If you're together, I think that nearly anything to help you both get there, right. Outside of like porn.
And you both feel good about it. You like, you both feel safe about it. You know that that is I guess, a tool that. That you can use. Now if you. If this is something where you find yourself masturbating to meet your needs and you're never wanting to have intercourse with your spouse, that's where it becomes an issue. And we've talked a lot about this before in previous episodes. You can look up.
Just turn into masturbation episodes. But.
But let's talk about like slapping, choking. We get a lot of questions about this and we kind of touched on this last episode. But what do you want to say about that, honey?
I will just say that if both spouses are equally on board, equally enthusiastic, feel equally safe with just about anything, then you have the freedom to do it. Now, if you're causing physical pain and you're deriving pleasure from the giving or receiving of physical pain, then I feel like you need to get to the root of why that is. Because that's usually attached to a trauma that has not healed.
Exactly.
Because it's not natural nature to. To seek pleasure through pain. That's. That again, that's usually an unresolved wound. I think you might need to like, talk to a counselor about that.
Definitely. Definitely.
A book called the Counterfeit Climax, which really is. Is a very specific resource to help couples navigate. What are the counterfeit messages we've believed what are the counterfeit things that we're. We're kind of bringing into the marriage bed now? And. And even more so, how can we embrace the beautiful sex life God has for us? I think it's maybe the most important resource we've created because it's. It just covers so much of that. I don't want to be the referee of your sex life to say, like, okay, you can. You know, you can. You can slap here, but not here. You can say this word, but not that word. But I would say, as general rules, don't.
It.
Don't hurt each other. Don't try to cause pain as a way to drive pleasure. You know, if you're gonna. If you're gonna talk dirty, don't. Don't do it in a way that degrades or belittles your spouse.
Yeah.
I just think that those. Those things, ultimately, while it might feel hot in the moment, are gonna do more harm than good in building the respect and the trust in your relationship.
Well said, sweetie. There's a lot more that probably could be said about this. Let us know your thoughts on this, because I know, again, there are some areas that aren't specific in the Bible. I mean, there. It's just not super specific. But there's a lot that is very specific, and that's why we wanted to talk about this today, because it is a question. We get a lot. But we hope you found it helpful. We hope you join us tomorrow.
