Depleted Marriage | Live from the Minivan |Dave and Ashley Willis

Hey, guys. We are coming to you live from the minivan in a random parking lot. As always.

As always. That's.

That's just how we roll on a Wednesday.

On a random Wednesday. And this date is what we call.

It when it's a date night on Wednesday.

So we sneak out. These date nights are not elaborate or long.

It's just a dinner.

It's dinner and then a video with our friends on Facebook. And so we're gonna talk tonight a little bit about what to do when your marriage is depleted. We were kind of inspired by this by laughing about the fact that the only thing that I. I will say that I'm better at in our marriage.

And he's better at a lot.

Okay. No, no, it's not. She's better at most things. But one thing I am better at than her, maybe the only thing I am better at, plugging in phones. I'm better charging things, recharging things, refueling things. Like, that's where I shine. I shine.

I like the word replenish. Replenish.

She's better at everything else, but I can plug stuff in. And it's, you know, more than our kids, too. Our kids are terrible at plugging stuff in, too.

So I'm sorry. They take after me.

It is the only thing in the family where I am clearly the best. I will plug everything in. I get stuff charged.

I mean, really, it's a wonder. Our phone that we're coming to you live, we can't plug it in the way that it's sitting. But I know this is bothering you because right now, I would give you some extra juice.

So we're gonna talk not about how to charge your phone. You guys already know how to do that. You're intelligent people. We're gonna talk about when your marriage feels depleted, when your marriage feels like it's in the red and that you're about to run out of battery life, so to speak. And right now, we're all in an exhausting season in a lot of ways. And so we're gonna talk about that. Before we dive in, though, quick announcement number one, we're so excited. We just got the first copies in the mail of our upcoming book, Naked and Healthy. Yes, that's us. There we go.

It's my backwards to you all.

Yeah, you've probably seen it backwards. You're seeing the mirror image. But naked and healthy Dave and Ashley Willis, you can get it@nakedandhealthy.com or Amazon or wherever you go if you pre order it. There's still Pre order right now@nakedandhealthy.com then you'll actually get a signed copy. And all the proceeds from this, by the way, all the proceeds go to benefit our ministry, XO Marriage, which is a nonprofit ministry creating resources to help build families all over the world. And this book is about how to have better health physically, spiritually, mentally, and in your marriage. And so you can also check out the Naked Marriage podcast, where we're doing a series on naked and healthy.

That's free.

That's totally free.

Free's our favorite.

Check out the podcast. This week's episode's about food, meal planning. We've got some funny stories.

We do. We do. Yeah.

I'm gonna give it all away, but check it out.

Absolutely. So tonight we're gonna talk about what it feels like and what to do when you have a depleted marriage. And what do we mean by that? We probably need to define what depleted really means. And, you know, we were talking in the beginning of this about charging phones and how Dave's really good at recharging all the different devices in our home. But I think so many times, you know, when it comes to ourselves and even our marriage, we don't really recharge ourselves. Like, we. We kind of exist at a point where we feel like we're depleted all the time. Like, we don't feel like we're at 100% of our energy, of our resources, of our just mental capacity. I mean, sometimes I know as a mother especially, I feel like, gosh, I'm just not operating at 100% to give my mental energy and my emotional energy and be able to fulfill all the different duties that I have. And I think so many times in marriage, you know, we exist in this depleted kind of season, and we just. It's a prolonged season for many of us. And I think in the midst of this pandemic right now, you know, we've just turned the corner, and we're in 2021. And so many of us were thinking, like, okay, if I can just get through 2020 in 2021, I'm going to have this miraculous change where I'm all of a sudden going to get this boost of energy and feel better because things are going to be different. But all of us know, like, it's not, you know, there's not a magic pill. There's not a magic battery laying around somewhere.

Yeah.

You know, life is hard. And right now, you know, we're all living in the midst of something that's really hard in and of itself with the pandemic. But I think for many of us, too, we're living in the aftermath of financial struggles. We're living in the aftermath of just marital struggles, from being in quarantine and having our schedules, you know, turned upside down. And it's just. It can feel kind of bleak. And I think so many times, too, we can get really discouraged. And that discouragement can cause us to really treat our spouse in a very negative way, because I think because our spouse is the closest person to us, we can end up kind of turning our anger towards our spouse when we're depleted because we're like, listen, I don't even have the energy to, like, be kind to you right now. I mean, I think we tell ourselves this, like, I'm just mad, and you're gonna get the brunt of my. My anger because you're here, and I'm mad, and I don't like how things are, and I'm depleted, and. And. And it can cause a lot of fights. But then on the flip side of that, I think, too, we can make the mistake of looking at our spouse as the one who's our battery, who's supposed to kind of fill us back up. And that's a huge mistake, because they can't possibly do that.

Yeah. Nobody can.

No.

I mean, it's a lot of pressure to put on somebody.

Yeah, Certainly every time.

Yeah. But you're going to let each other down if you're thinking it's your spouse's job to recharge your battery all the time.

Right.

You've got to find a way, you know, that you. You. And that's between you and God, really. You got to find a way to recharge heart, mind, and soul, you know, and. And do the things that are going to recharge you. And what your spouse can do is they can encourage you toward those things.

Yes.

Like, there are times when, like, Ashley can tell I'm getting completely frustrated and depleted and kind of just not the best version of myself.

And tonight we weren't even necessarily planning.

A dinner out, but she was just.

Like, you know, I think we need this.

Yeah, we need to. We need to just make this happen on a random Wednesday. And I'm like, all right. Or sometimes she'll say, you know what? Go on a run. You'll feel better. Just get. You know, get out there. It's. It's a beautiful day. It's fresh air. You need some exercise. You'll feel better. And just. And not in any kind of, like, condemning way. Where she's pointing a finger at me like, you're being a jerk and you got to go do this. It's more just like, would it help you if you wouldn't did that. I think it would make you feel better. And I'll watch the kids and just looking for little ways to serve each other and help. Help your spouse do whatever recharges them.

Absolutely. And I think there's a lot of comments coming in here saying like, somebody.

Said, I love your hat. Which I do too.

Thank you.

Whenever she wears these cute hats, I just want to bite them. I'm not going to. I want to. I just want to bite it.

You guys. Like, total side point. I'm not going to go too long down this rabbit trail. But when we first met, I was wearing a hat. So he is.

Okay. I did. I bit him.

He's totally. He's like a goat when it comes to hats. They just eat whatever. But when we first met at Georgetown College in 1999.

99.

We were in acting one class together. He was a junior, I was a freshman. I wore a fisherman caps from the Gap. It was. It was like a fisherman cap. And it was. I call it that maybe it's the wrong. A bucket hat is what I've heard some people say. But anyway, it was like, I'm not gonna hit you with the ring.

I'm sorry. Probably I kind of have to. She's very. She talks with her hands and she wears bling and can cut me.

Well, you can explain.

So a lot of times you see me like ducking. It's like I've learned that I've gotta.

I just saw that. I was like, I'm not gonna.

I've gotta move. So.

So back to the hat. So it was anyway, like, it was a plaid fisherman's hat, bucket hat, whatever you want to call it. So he is into hats. Like literally the first time I ever met you.

But yeah, you in a hat is you like hats.

But the reason I'm wearing a hat and the reason most of us wear hats is not only because we love them, but because it's just easy, right? It's so easy. You don't have to fix your hair. It's great. So back to being depleted in marriage. You know, a lot of you are commenting on this and saying, like, you're relating. And I was going to put on my glasses and go back to some of these comments because I want to make sure that we address kind of what. What you're dealing with and what I want to talk about is, you know, when you're in this dynamic, you know, how do we do this? Like, what if you're both feeling depleted? Because I think sometimes it's like one spouse is feeling depleted and that's hard enough. But what about when you're both feeling depleted? Because then you're like, well, what do we do with that? Because neither one of us really feel like we have the emotional energy or the mental energy to give each other our best. What are we supposed to do with that? And that's a really hard dynamic to be in.

Yeah, it really is. And you know, usually in those situations you can kind of take turns being strong for each other. But there are those moments when both of you are just on empty. And it can be from a long season. And again, we're coming through very unique times where there are a lot of reasons why both of you could be feeling depleted financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, just on empty. And I think you've got to give each other a lot of grace to understand and to just say, you know what? Right now it's not going to look like it looked in the past. It's not going to look like it's going to look in the future. Right now is a different season. It's. It's what the Bible might refer to as kind of a wilderness season in it together.

Sure.

And we just, we just need to hold each other through this. Yeah. You know, one of the most powerful things I've ever seen at one of the marriage events we've done is seeing a couple who had just the week before lost their 16 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. I just cannot imagine that kind of pain. And yet they still came to this event. It was a smaller event. They wanted to be with their church family. They knew that they needed that community. They needed to get out. They needed to be in a place where they could hear some hope. And they just held each other the whole time we were sitting at like round tables. There were probably 100 people in the room. People would come up to him and just kind of pat their shoulder and, and. But the whole day this couple just held each other.

And she would, the mother would weep sometimes.

Yeah.

Like we would be speaking. And I remember, I mean, I'll never forget it, you know, that she would sometimes just weep. I mean, it was, it was that weeping that can only come from such loss, you know, and her husband would just reach around and he would, I mean, he's hurting too.

They would just hold on to each other. Yeah.

I mean, it was. It was. It was beautiful and just heartbreaking all at the same time.

It was. Yeah, but it was a beautiful. And the beautiful part of that heartbreaking situation is seeing two people completely depleted their lowest point of their life together, but choosing to lean on each other and hold each other. You know, it's. There were no words to be said. They weren't. There's nothing that can be said. But they just. Through holding each other, they're saying, we're in this together. We're not going to let go. And they were also. Their faith was carrying them through. There was a time of worship, and they stood together and they didn't even have the strength to sing what was saying. But when the husband just kind of lifted a quivering hand in worship, it was as if he was saying, God, we're still. We don't understand what's going on, but we're trusting that you're still good, that our daughter's with you, and that we're going to see her again. And in the meantime, through these dark days, we're walking through God, that you're going to carry us. And it was. I don't remember anything we said that day. I don't remember anything else that was said from that stage. But I'll never forget seeing that powerful example of faith and two people leaning on each other in their lowest moment, their most depleted moment. And I pray you never have to go through anything to that level. But even if you do, or even if you have in your past, I pray that you'll do what they did, which is hold on to each other and lean on God. Yeah, that's the only way to really get through it is.

And, you know, I mean, just with Dave being a pastor for so many years, we've walked through a lot of moments, like low, low, depleted moments with people. And the ones that actually come out the other side together are the ones that lean on God and lean on each other, and they don't blame each other. I think it's so easy to want to blame each other when you're depleted because it's so easy to see the whole world through a negative lens because you don't feel whole. And, you know, I love. You know, I wrote a book on peace called Peace Pirates. And in the book I talk a lot about shalom and what God's peace, that's the Hebrew word for God's peace, what that really means. And I remember, you know, the definition for Hebrew words. It's really greater than just one English word. And when I was doing my research for this, a better definition for shalom is wholeness. And I love that because when we're really, you know, at peace with God and with ourselves and with our life, we feel whole. Yeah, we don't feel depleted. And you know, I feel like it's such a picture because it's saying like, God fills in those gaps. I mean, when we really go to Him. But what we tend to do as human beings is when we don't feel like we're whole, when we feel disappointed, when we feel frustrated and just lacking energy and lacking a zest for life is we don't go to God. Like that's what we do, we retreat. But that, you know, God is the very, the main thing we need to pursue in our life is we need to go to Him. He already knows what we're going through, but we need to go to him and humble ourselves and really get under his authority again. We're always under God's authority, but really kind of submit our lives to God because He does fill in those gaps for us. And you know, I've had many moments in my life where I feel so depleted. I've shared with you guys many times. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I went through a four year battle with anxiety and depression towards the beginning of our marriage and I've never felt so depleted in my life. I mean, I don't know. Dave, you know, he felt so helpless in those moments because I was just struggling so hard and trying to describe it for him. But you know, anyone who's gone through anxiety and depression, you know, it's really hard to put into words what you're going through. And until you've experienced it, it's really hard to even understand. And Dave now has experienced it. We actually share more about this in our book Naked and Healthy. But you know, back then he hadn't experienced that. And I remember him saying, like, I, I wish I could fill in the gaps for you. I wish I could just lift you up and tell you everything's going to be okay. But all I know is I, I'm here for you. I'm not leaving your side and God is with us and for us and he's going to get us through this and he would just, you know, pray for me and remind me of God's truth all through that season. But I remember feeling so depleted and even having those thoughts of like, I don't know if Dave's going to stay with me. Like, I don't know if I can stay with Dave. Like, I don't know if we can get through this. I mean, because that's the kind of thoughts you have when you feel depleted, is you feel a lack of hope. But what we need to remember is God. You know, with God, all things are possible, and with God, we always have hope. There's always, always, always hope. And any of you who are on this tonight, you know, I feel like it's by. It's. It's not by accident, but maybe you just need to hear that and say, you know, just let these words resonate in your ears and really get into your heart and know that whatever you are facing right now, that your life is not over, your marriage is not over, that God is with you, and there is hope. And, you know, God will never give us more than we can bear with his help. You know, I hate it when people say, like, oh, he'll never give you more than you can bear, because that's kind of cutting it short. In the Bible, it says that he'll never give us more than we can bear with his help. Or even in one verse, it says, or with giving you a way out, you know, a way out of that hard situation. And when it comes to marriage, you know, most of the time, the way out, it's not divorce. You know, there are very few circumstances in the Bible where it talks about divorce being the answer, and we've talked about that. There are certain grounds for divorce, but most of the time, God is not calling you to that because he can do more than we give him credit for, and he can heal us, and he can give us, you know, different perspectives, and he can give us that. The way out is the therapy. The way out is talking to each other in a healthier way. The way out is getting that counseling that we always needed. The way out is thinking about our spouse in a more positive light, not focusing all the ways that they're disappointing us or all the things that are wrong with us, you know, personally or collectively. And so it's just so important that we make sure that our mind is right, because that's where all of these things start, is, you know, we can be depleted. Like, a lot of you have things on you that are completely out of your control. And. And you're just dealing. I mean, you're dealing with circumstances that you did not bring on yourself that are just life. And. And life can be really hard sometimes. And, you know, and maybe many of you came to this video and. And you're in the middle of that, you're in the middle of a really hard trial. But how we think about that trial, how we think about ourselves, how we think about God, how we think about our spouse is everything, because it's how we're going to approach each day that is before us and how we're going to treat our spouse and how we're going to take care of ourselves and take care of our families. And so we've got to make sure that our mind is in the right place and that every day we wake up and we thank God that we have another day to breathe, another day to live and to carry out the different duties that he's given us. And just ask God for strength and perspective. And I'm telling you, it's amazing how when we get our mind right, how things really do start to shift.

They really do. I hope that encourages you guys. Tonight, again, you can check out the Naked Marriage podcast. We're doing a whole series on naked and healthy, mind, body and soul. How to recharge, how to get healthy, healthy in every part of your life. The book that all this is based on is also called Naked and Healthy by Dave and Ashley Willis, available for. For pre order@nakedandhealthy.com and again, all those proceeds go to directly to benefit the ministry. So you're partnering with us to help create resources to help people whenever you buy anything@xomarriage.com. yeah, so we're gonna do probably a quick video on Instagram. If you're not following us on Instagram, we're @davandashleywillis on Instagram.

We share some different things on there sometimes. So, yeah, check it out. Absolutely.

Check. And thank you guys for tuning in. Speaking of recharging, we're gonna have to be quick because the gas.

The gas says low fuel, so that's another thing. Dave is much better.

Who has been driving the van? I'll give you a hint. It wasn't me.

So we had to get more faith in.

She has faith, guys.

Yeah, I know this. That God will get us there, right?

And he does. He always does. So I need to.

Maybe, miraculously, he really does.

All right.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

Bye, guys.