Family Drama - Part 4 | Marriage Drama | Dave and Ashley Willis - MESSAGE ONLY

Well, good morning.

Wasn't Second Edition great? Wasn't that amazing?

Yes.

It is a gift to have you guys here today.

I know. We're so excited to be wrapping up the family drama series, and we're actually going to focus on marriage today. And even if you're not married, I think there's a lot of communication skills and tips you can get out of this. But just to acknowledge the married people in the room, how many of you have been married 0 to 10 years? Raise your hands high at all our.

Campuses, Grovetown, south, wherever you are. 0 to 10 years.

All right. A lot. What doing. You are about 10 to 20.

Nice.

Yep, a lot. What about 20 to 30? That's where we fit in. Yes. Awesome. And what about 30 to 40?

All right. Getting.

Yeah, More experience. More experience.

Yeah. Talk to these folks. They've seen some stuff. Once they get to that. That level. 40 to 50. Nice. All right. Yes.

Yes. 50 to 60.

50 to 60. All right. Yes.

Yes.

There you go. John Cron in the house.

You guys are amazing.

The Crohn's. Yes. You guys. Guys are amazing.

You want to be like.

Like you when we grow up.

Anybody? 60 plus.

Oh, that's incredible.

Yeah.

For the experience in the room. Hats off to you. Now, how many of you, though, are in a. A dating or engaged relationship?

Anybody?

All right. There was some, like, nervous hands. Like, one hand in the relationship went up. Like, what are we. We've never talked about it. You're going to have an awkward lunch is what's going to happen.

That's right.

And you're going to talk about this relationship. You're going to define it. Today's the day here is going to not be murky anymore. We're in a relationship or we're not. So anybody that did not raise their hand, Single people, essentially, that means they're fair game. So you can go up to them afterwards, like, hey, notice you didn't raise your hand. I didn't either. Don't be weird. Don't be creepy, though.

Don't make it weird.

Yeah, don't be creepy. No one wants that. But like Ashley said, even if you're not married, these communication principles, I think will. Will be meaningful to you if you're single people. This is meaningful to you, this sermon, for three reasons. Number one, you'll maybe be married or remarried someday, so file these away. Number two, like we've already said, these principles will apply. Many of them will apply to other relationships. Number three, all of us are called to uphold the sacredness of marriage. And by understanding the way that God designed communication within marriage, you'll actually be able to be a better friend and family member to the married people in your life by being able to support them, by understanding this. So it should be relevant for everyone. But for those who are married, lean in extra close, because these communication principles, I think, could make the difference in your marriage. A healthy marriage is built on healthy communication. And we've all that are married, I think, have learned that sometimes the hard way.

Oh, yes.

So for us, we've been married for 22 years. This is a picture of us 22 years ago on the wedding day. And you look the same. I look like I could be his grandpa. So I don't know what happened.

That's not true. You look the same to me. But we were, like, super young. I had just turned 20. Dave had just turned 14. You had been. No, you were 22 in this picture. And literally, he graduated college one weekend. We got married the next weekend. So I was still in college. And we really thought, like, we really thought we had it all figured out.

We knew everything.

We knew it all.

Yeah.

And we very, like, naively assumed that this whole, like, this whole subject of communication was something that, like, we just had, like, we had it down because we both have degrees in communication. In fact, Dave has a master's degree in communication. And so, like, fast forward. We're in our premarital classes, which was really cool. It was like a class, and then you had small groups, and of course they talked about communication in marriage. And I think we, like, tuned it out a little bit because we're like, we got this. We got it. And then we got into our small groups and did an exercise, right?

And we realized that my parents were right and communication is a stupid major. And, like, it did not help me at all in actual communication.

We love our communication.

I'm glad I did it. It was. But when we started communicating, the exercise, the first exercise was this. Like, one of us had to tell a story and talk about something that happened to us and how we felt and to share all our emotions. The other one had to just actively listen. And then after the story was finished, you had to repeat back to them their same story in your words, showing you were listening and understood what they were feeling and all that. So Ashley went first, and she told the story. I don't remember what it was about. And then I tried to repeat it to her, like, oh, yeah, yeah, this is no problem. So what I hear you say, we had to start with what I Hear you saying is. I'm like, this is kindergarten stuff. You know what I hear you saying? And I start repeating what I thought she had said. And she looked so disappointed. She was like, no, that's not what I said at all. Were you even listening? I'm like, oh, this is maybe harder. But then you.

Yeah, you're not the only one that.

I told the story, and you didn't know what I was saying. And we realized, okay, maybe this is gonna take some more work. And then, you know, fast forward to after we were married, and we learned the hard way through a lot of different miscommunication. Like, it took me a while to realize that when Ashley said, we need to do something, it was a nice way of telling me that I needed to do it. Right?

Yes.

It took me almost 20 years to figure this out. Like, early on, she'd be like, we really need to mow the yard. And I'm thinking, how are we gonna mow the yard? Like, I was really, like, picturing both of us, like, holding the. The lawnmower in tandem. Like, this is gonna be weird, you know? But if that's how she wants to do it, I guess that's what we're gonna do. So, like, why is it the yard model? I was waiting for us to be able to do it together. She's like, no, no.

We means you're gonna do it, right? Can you do this for me?

Oh, I get it.

No. And I did some other things, too. Like, I. I don't know if it was Hallmark. I know we've talked about Hallmark before here and how it kind of sometimes skews our views on relationships and marriage in particular. And so I was somehow convinced that the more Dave and I loved each other and the longer we were married, the less words that we would need to really say to each other. Because I was under the assumption that Dave would just know what I needed and what I was feeling. Like he would just figure it out, you know, and so it would get both of us in trouble, because then Dave very. Just conscientiously would come to me, like you're supposed to do in marriage. And if he had, you know, wanted to make plans, he'd come to me and say, hey, what do you think about me doing this tonight? Did you have any plans, or is there something I'm missing on the calendar? And he was just so sweet in doing that. And instead of actually telling him what I really wanted him to do or that we had plans or whatever, I would very cryptically and slightly Sinisterly get this weird look on my face, and I am not. I'm not proud of this. But I would look at him and I would say, do what you want to do.

Yeah. So I would. Yeah. And. And then I would come home and realize it wasn't. She didn't mean that.

I did care about it.

That one took me a while. A while, too.

But I'm so sorry.

And a lot of the work we've done, though, I think. And not to make generalizations of, like, men are like this. Women are like this. But a lot of times, you know, other wives will say, like, well, I don't tell my husband clearly because he should just know.

He should. He's a grown man. I hear that a lot.

Ladies, he doesn't know. Right. Just tell him. You know, tell him clearly, and then he'll know.

But we have to use our.

Don't leave it to us to just figure it out, because.

Right.

You didn't. You know, I'm learning as I go. Right.

I'm so afraid.

I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing even now. So.

No, no. But, you know, I did that for a little bit until I realized, like, this is madness. I'm. I'm wanting to, like, play this game with Dave, and it. It was just not working. And I think so many of us get caught in these negative cycles where our communication techniques are not working and they're not healthy, but it takes one of us standing up and recognizing that what we are currently doing is not working. And I think there came a point kind of in those early years of marriage where you're like, listen, sweetie, you're telling me, do what you want to do. And, like, you acting kind of like you don't care. But then I come home and I feel like I've disappointed you. Like, I don't know how to win here. And we want to set each other up to win in marriage. And how we do that is we actually say what we mean. Like, we don't expect our spouse to figure it out. We actually use our words and just plainly say in the most loving way.

Possible, speak the truth in love.

What we need.

Exactly. And so that's a big part of what we're going to talk about today. And to kind of give you a recap of what this whole series has been about. Family drama. It really comes down to this principle. God calls all of us to be peacemakers in our family, and all of us have the opportunity to be either a peacemaker or an instigator in Our family, because your family, your spouse, your siblings, your people that you're in close proximity with, you know how to hit their buttons, don't you? Right? I mean, you know what to say to take that tension that they're feeling and turn it into an all out fight. And sometimes there's a temptation to do that. But what God wants us to do instead is to be peacemakers. The theme verse of this whole series has been this. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. And while everyone means everyone, I think we need to start that right in our own homes. Like our families should be the people that get the very best right, not the leftovers. And as it relates to our words, the words that we speak will help create that tone faster than anything else. Your words are shaping so much of what your relationship's going to be. And the Bible has a lot to say about it. We're going to focus in on some of those verses today, but here's one to get us started. Proverbs 18:21. The tongue can bring life or death. I mean, that's, that's strong. And the Bible in other ways says this same principle, that your words are either bringing life to the people around you or they're literally cutting them down. They're bringing death, death to the relationship by how we're speaking. So we've got to speak life. And here's why. Your words will shape your marriage. We firmly believe that in the work that we do, Ashley and I, we work full time with a marriage ministry called XO Marriage. We love getting to work in marriage ministry, but we get to interact with couples from all over the world. And we see this principle true, that really your words are shaping your marriage. Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That was the dumbest thing I was taught as a child, right? I mean, I was taught a lot of unimportant things as a child. Like my parents spent way too much time focusing on the sounds animals make at the zoo. Like, I've not needed that at all as an adult, but they spend a lot of time on that. The cow says moo and whatnot, but sticks and stones break your bones. Words will never hurt you. I know they meant well, but that's not true, is it? Anybody who's lived knows that's not true. Because you break a bone, you're better in a few months. But some of us are still carrying around wounds of words that were spoken to us decades ago. Words have Lasting power to either bring life or to bring death.

They do. And I think we can all agree with that. Like, what we say really matters, and, you know, what we say face to face really matters. But I think where we often get tripped up is these little devices that we carry around with us all the time called cell phones. And I love them. Like, you guys, I am a huge fan of my phone. In fact, what we do in marriage ministry, a lot of it I can do from our phone, like, with Facebook and with Instagram and TikTok and all the good things of social media and texting. Like, we like to stay in touch texting throughout the day. But what we often find is that people will recognize, like, yes, what I say to my spouse, like, verbally matters, but then they forget that, like, texting matters too. And you have a tone to your text sometimes it's hard to decipher, but we've seen where we'll put, like, a post on Instagram or something. And then you'll see spouses tag each other and put, like, heartbreak or, like, you do this, and then they'll go back and forth in front of all these strangers. Okay. And have, like, a marital fight by the text. They put in these different responses on social media. And every time I see this, it just makes my heart sink and I cringe a little because I'm like, that matters too. In fact, I want everybody in this room, whether you're married or not, young or older and more experienced, take out your phone right now. You know you have it. You're on it right now. You're taking notes.

Yeah. You know, some of them already had it out, like, oh, I'm on the Bible app. You're not on the Bible app. You're. Hey, no judgment, though. No judgment.

That's right. Take him out, hold him high. Take him out and hold them high. Come on. I want you to repeat after me. This is a tool.

This is a tool.

And not my master.

Not my master.

And I think, I know this may seem, like, super cheesy and, like, middle school teacher esque, I get it. But we all need to remember this, including Dave and I. Like, we all need to remember this because so many times, even if we aren't saying negative things on social media or texting or whatever, sometimes this becomes the very barrier between us and our spouse and our family and having good communication. I mean, sometimes, like, you will literally see, like, two spouses on a date night. I mean, they're taking. They paid a babysitter to go on a Date night. And they're both like this with their phone or they're both like this with their phone. And we've been guilty of this too, you guys. Like, we're not. I mean, we know, like, all of us have to really check ourselves with this because we want to use our phones and computers or whatever it is. This technology that is awesome and that can be a great tool to connect. We want to use it as that tool to connect, but not as our master. Not like we have to answer it every time or we have to, we can't miss, you know, this post or whatever it is. We want to make sure that we're not letting that replace the actual face to face time that our marriage needs and other relationships. Even for those of you who are not married, giving your loved ones your best attention, because so many times we're giving our phone our best attention that doesn't love us back. Like, again, this is a tool. And so we've got to make sure, even if our loved one comes to us because I think like kids especially, they really will tell us like, like when we're on our phone too much. But even as spouses, I mean, I think it's okay to go to your spouse and even important to say, like, listen, can we just talk face to face? Like, let's, let's have a time where we completely put these phones away because I really want to engage with you and I want to see your eyes and I want to truly have this engaged conversation because there is no replacement for that. There's no substitute.

No, there's really not. You know, we grew up hearing stuff like a picture's worth a thousand words and we understood what that meant. But I think in our time, in some ways a word is worth a thousand pictures. And what I mean by that is you can't just experience someone's life by scrolling through their feed and looking at filtered images and images. That doesn't replace the power of words to sit down and have face to face conversation with somebody with no digital distractions and to really engage and connect. And that's becoming a lost art and a lost value in our time. But that's the only way to really know someone and be known. Just putting our digital avatar out there for people isn't the same as knowing someone. And it's not. It's hurtful to marriages when we're looking at a screen, like Ashley said, instead of looking at each other. But when we do speak to one another, we also have to be so mindful of what we're saying, whether it's in a text message, whether it's face to face, but every word we say to our spouse and frankly, to everyone matters. Jesus says something to me that is one of the most sobering and frankly scary verses in the entire Bible. I'm going to read it and then tell you why this verse scares me, but I think it'll be pretty obvious. But I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the Day of Judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words, you will be acquitted, and by your words, you will be condemned. Now, Jesus also obviously talked a lot about our actions. Their actions matter. But he made a point to let us know, like, listen, your words, they really matter. They met every single one. And that is scary to me because I've said some things, some empty words, some careless words, some hurtful words that now I cringe to think about. I can't believe I wrote that. I can't believe I said that. And I'm so sorry. I mean, that's a heavy weight. Because our words matter. Now, as Christians, thankfully, the good news of this verse is that we don't have to live in fear, we don't have to live in condemnation. Because Jesus on the cross paid the price for every sin we will ever commit. And. And once we're in his family, once we've received him as our Savior, his blood has paid the cost, taken the punishment by his stripes, we are healed. We're made new in him, and we can live in that freedom. But we're still often left with the natural consequences that our words and our actions created. So even though we've received the forgiveness of Christ, there's still often damage in our relationships because of actions that we committed. And so we've got to be willing humbly to. To go to people that we've hurt and apologize, to say, listen, I was wrong. I've got no excuse for that. I was completely wrong. Please forgive me. Give me the opportunity to rebuild the trust that I broke. Because what I said is not a reflection of my heart for you. And that was a reflection of. I was just in a bad place. And again, no excuses. Forgive me. And when someone comes to us asking forgiveness, what we need to be quick to forgive and say, you know, Jesus has forgiven me more than I'll ever have to forgive anybody. Yeah, what you did hurt. What you said hurts. You know, I still hear those words rattling up in my mind sometimes. And maybe in some way they'll always be there a little bit But I love you and I forgive you, and let's move forward together in peace. God wants you to be peacemakers. And sometimes that means being the bigger person. It means stop score keeping of all the things people have done to hurt you, but instead choose to not live in bitterness. Say, God help me to move forward in healing and in peace, and instead focus on the ways that I can create peace in relationships when I have the power to do it.

That's right.

So here's the next principle. We must use our words to build up our spouse and not tear them down because you're doing one or the other. Our words are either building up or tearing down. And so we need to do what it says in Proverbs, give honey words. Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul, healthy for the body. You know, we need. When we're dating, we get that, you know, you're around, like a dating couple, and, like, they're so sweet talking to each other that it's like, gross, right? It's like, you're just so precious. I just out here, like, you know, you're so pretty. And then sometimes the longer you're married, there's none of that. And instead, it's like you left your socks on the floor again. Again. And that's how we talk. That hit a nerve, I think. There were a lot of socks on floors. People weren't sure if they all felt that.

You felt it.

Yeah, And I was talking to my. It's an area I struggle with. I'm working on it. But even when your spouse leaves your socks on the floor, you know, we show grace. No need to yell.

Exactly. Because we're going to have negative moments, you guys. Like, we're all going to have moments where we don't get it right. We're like, oh, I wish I hadn't said that. Or you hear something from your spouse and it really stings. Like, we're all going to have those moments, but we need to make sure we're being intentional about saying those kind things, about leading with kindness. You know, actually, Dr. John Gottman, many of you may have heard of him, he's a psychologist, a social researcher, an author. He wrote many books. But one of my favorites is the Seven Principles to Making a Marriage Work. And actually, in my marriage and family studies, I read this book, and what I was fascinated by is that he actually, alongside his wife and other colleagues, created what he refers to as a love lab. And literally, for decades, they would study married couples. Okay. And they would watch them. These married couples Would report back different things they did and didn't do so they could study. Like what, what is the secret behind these thriving couples? And one of the things they found is what they refer to as the five to one ratio. And it said that for the couples that thrive the most, they realized that for every one negative encounter they had in communication, like where they, they didn't get it right, they made sure they had five positive encounters. Okay, so for every one negative counter, you want five positive encounters, meaning that we all cannot, like, we're going to have negative encounters, we're going to have times, we're going to have to address the elephant in the room, we're going to have to address hard things. Or maybe we just fly off the handle, we don't get it right. But that's why we have to be so intentional about pouring into each other words of encouragement, uplifting words, making sure that our day to day language with each other is led with love and not with kind of negativity. And just where it stings because we need to be able to do that. And so it takes us coming out of kind of even sometimes we're in those negative seasons where maybe there has been more negativity. We need to make sure that we go out of our way to say kind words. And I think so many times, like the longer we're married, the less we tend to do this and the more we assume that our spouse just knows. In fact, there was a study done fairly recently that said that the people in marriages who tended to know what their spouse was thinking the least were the ones who had been married the longest. And what they found that the reason behind this was because those couples who had been married the longest tended to assume they knew what their spouse was thinking more than asking them what they were thinking. And you know, we've been married 22 years. And I totally see this, like you kind of get into this cycle where you just try to get on autopilot thinking everything is good and you stop asking questions, you stop, you know, really engaging with each other as much and you become like really good business partners maybe, or maybe not so good business partners. And it's just not really healthy because you're not truly engaging with each other. And so I think it's all the more important that the longer we're married, the more that we don't assume. Because what we need to realize is that you know who you married on that day. Right. Even if you've been married 20, 30, 40 years, you're not the same two people. You're not the same two people that you were on that day that you got married. You've changed a lot due to various circumstances. We're all changing all the time. And so we always need to ask questions. We need to make sure that we're engaging and we're curious about each other. We're not old news. Like, we need to maintain that curiosity. And when we maintain that curiosity and we have empathy for each other, for how we process things, for what we've gone through, it goes such a long way in keeping that line of communication open.

Yeah. And when we do that, then instead of drifting apart over time, we actually, with every season of marriage, grow closer. And that's why when you're around couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 plus years and they're still best friends, and I mean, that's the goal, that they're closer than they've ever been because they've continued to pursue each other. They've continued to communicate instead of just assuming they know what the other is thinking. They've continued to ask questions and share new adventures and, and embrace each other through all the changing seasons of life. And when you do that, every season of marriage is a gift, even the difficult ones. You know, I was reminded of this when a friend here that was at this church, James Moss, who was a police officer in Columbia county, one of the difficult jobs of his. Parts of his job is he would sometime have to show up at a house if someone had passed away. And so he was first on the scene once for this elderly woman had passed away and that the husband had called and she'd been on hospital and it was expected. So Jamie goes into the house. He's the first one there. And this, this elderly gentleman is sitting beside the bed holding his wife's hand and just, you know, gently crying. And Jamie comes over to put his hand on his shoulder. And the two start talking while they're, you know, they're waiting for others to arrive. And this man begins telling stories about, about their love and about his wife being his best friend. And Jamie looks on the wall and there's just all these pictures of these different seasons of life and marriage and grandkids and, and laughter and love. And this man gently, as he just gently held his wife's hand, he said something that Jamie will never forget. He said, we had 68 years together. 68 years. And then with tears in his eyes, he said, it wasn't nearly long enough. It wasn't long enough. And Jamie said that in that moment that became my goal for marriage, that I want to be so invested in my marriage that whatever amount of time that God gives us on earth, it could be 100 years together. But because I've continued to pursue my wife, I've continued to adore her the way Jesus loves his church, I've continued to do all those things to continue to grow in my friendship with her, my love for her, that at the end of that time, I can honestly say it wasn't nearly enough time. Because every day with you is such a gift. And when our words are sweet, when our words are like honey, then it can be that way. Even in the difficult seasons, even in the in sickness parts of. In sickness and in health, even in. And the for worse parts of, for better, for worse, we can grow stronger together. But the words we say are such a big part of that. And this is so difficult because naturally, naturally, our words are prone to grow careless. That's why the Bible says things like this. In the Book of James, we make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches, but a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. The Bible's telling us, like, listen, you know, we talk about what doing the right things with our hands, with our eyes, with our feet, you know, with our bodies. But don't forget about the power of your mouth, of your words, because the words you're speaking are so powerful. And it's not even just the words themselves, but one thing we haven't talked about yet that we need to at least touch on, is the tone of those words matters a lot. You could say something that's technically true, but if you say it with a harsh tone, it's not going to be received. That's why this principle is true. The tone of your words will shape the tone of your marriage. You know, even animals know this. We've got this little dog, she's the queen of the house. Everybody loves her. But one thing the boys do that's just kind of like a joke with her is they'll say mean things in a really nice tone to the dog, because everybody thinks their dog knows English. Your dog doesn't know English, you know, so they'll say really mean things, but they'll say it in a nice tone. Like, you're the worst dog ever. You're, you're, you're. We don't like you, you're ugly, and we're not going to feed you for a whole week. Would you like that? She's like, she's just so excited because their tone is sweet. But then if they say something in a harsh tone, even if it's nice, she gets scared. Like, you're the, you're the best dog and we love you. And we love you more than anything. And she's like, you know, they don't do it very much. They're not abusive to the dog. Don't worry, the dog lives better than any of the rest of us, I think. But if even animals are wired up by God to understand the power of tone and we as people sometimes have blind spots of that, that we, we can have a harsh tone and not realize that we're alienating the people around us. I went through kind of a health struggle. Started with a thyroid disorder, a domino effect where my hormones were off, my serotonin was off. Like I was just off. And while I was kind of trying to get my meds right and get back to normal, I went through a pretty long period of time where my temperament was off. I had all these blind spots and I could get really grumpy really fast. And Ashley, during that season, very lovingly, instead of just matching my frustration by throwing gasoline on the fire, she would very lovingly and patiently say, sweetie, are you okay? You're coming across like you're angry. Well, I'm not angry. Gosh, why would you think that? You know? Well, it just, it feels like the tone, you might not realize it, but the tone you have is like you're angry, maybe even at me. I'm not angry with you. Why would you think that? You know, and she would help me to see it was kind of gently holding up a mirror and saying, like, you don't realize because right now things are off in you. You've got these blind spots. So tr. Trust me, as someone who loves you, that the way you're coming across isn't the way that you're thinking you're coming across. It's not the way you're intending to come across. And because she was so grace filled and patient during that season, it really helped me. It helped all of us walk through kind of that delicate season while I was getting back to normal. And thankfully I did, and now I am. But I think all of us in marriage are going to go through times where there is more Sensitivity on one or both of our parts because of maybe what you're walking through, the difficulty you're walking through, maybe an actual, you know, medical or hormonal issue like I was going through, where you've got some blind spots. And in that, speaking with tenderness is even more important. I love this passage from Ephesians that says, get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God, through Christ, has forgiven you. And I love this verse. This. This one little verse right here will solve more marriage arguments than almost any verse in the Bible. A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. When I was so sensitive during that season, you know, Ashley could have, and rightfully so, justifiably matched my intensity with. With that same level of intensity of her own, or more, which would have just probably caused conflict. But instead, in wisdom and in grace, she. She chose a gentle answer, which. Which diffused me and helped me to see things more clearly as well. And I'm so thankful for that.

Well, I think we just have to have compassion for each other because we all go through different seasons where we're more prickly than maybe other seasons. And so if your spouse comes to you and is like, you are really coming off harsh, believe them. Believe them. Like, what do they have to gain except maybe, hopefully, you getting some help and recognizing what's going on? I mean, it's not to attack you. And, you know, when Dave was going through that hard time, I had compassion for him because I knew it was a real thing that he was facing, and his body was not really cooperating. Right. It wasn't, you know, going on all cylinders, so to speak. And so I needed to have patience and compassion with him, but I also needed to, you know, reckon with him. Like, this is probably not how you realize you are really. You know, you don't realize how harsh you're coming off here. And he's done this for me, too. Like, there's been times. We've had really busy seasons recently, just with the. The seasons our kids are in, our work and everything else that's demanding on us, and it's all good stuff. But there's times where I will get stressed and I don't realize how I'm coming off. And Dave, he'll just come up to me and be like, hey, you okay?

Now what. I'll. What I'll do now is I'll just go ahead and Bring a snack or.

He'Ll bring a snack.

Someone need a snack?

This will help, you know, because snacks help.

Nothing diffuses anger like food, I've learned. And usually sometimes you're just hungry. I'm just hungry.

Exactly.

It's like the Snickers commercial. You're not you, and you're hungry, you know?

I know.

You just need a snack.

You get hangry, you know? And like Dave, early in our marriage, I remember there was, like, these times in the week where it was. It was hot outside. He hadn't had his snack or his meal, and he was like, maybe didn't get a good sleep the night before. He wouldn't be himself. And I remember one day. This is like, in our first year of marriage. I came to him and I was like, listen, I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Are you mad at me? Did I do something? Because he just didn't seem quite like himself, and he was like a caged bird, like, trying to look for an exit, like, just wasn't his best self. And he looked at me and he goes. I think he, like, was putting his hand through his hair, and he's like, listen, I just need you to understand this about me. I can be hot, I can be tired, and I can be hungry. But if I'm hot, tired, and hungry all at once, like, I feel like I'm imploding. Okay? I just need to go get a snack, and I need to cool down, you know? And so, like, I think just knowing, like, our triggers for our spouse and then helping bring out the best of them, knowing when they're at their best energy, you know, in the day and all those things. We want to play to their strengths. We want to help them win. We want to help each other win. And so we don't want to, like, keep on picking at them if we know that they're not at their best. Like, sometimes just giving them the space to go have a moment. If they've been around people all day and they're introverted, sometimes when you come home, you need a moment, like, to just recalibrate, and then you're able to kind of have a better conversation. We need to know those things about each other.

Yeah. So good. Just help each other win, like you said. I mean, that's really it. Help each other to win. The last principle is this. And really, we've kind of touched on this already, but be each other's biggest encourager, not their biggest critic. Your spouse is that person. You know enough about them. You know their junk. You could easily be their biggest critic by pointing all that out. But instead, what God calls us to do is to build each other up, to focus on the good, to speak life to one another. The Bible says it this way. So encourage each other and build each other up just as you are already doing. Guys, your words have such power. And Ashley has a great, great story I want her to tell that I think just kind of sums this up before she gets to it. I want to make kind of one quick announcement about what's to come and that is be praying for us. Because tomorrow Ashley and I are leading a trip to the Holy Land, which I'm super excited about. It'll be her first time going and we're so excited about it. So pray for safety for the group and all that. But we're sharing this experience with you because two weeks from today I'm starting a four part sermon series here called the Footsteps of Jesus where I'll be preaching from the gospels, the story of Jesus and then every single one of the sermons will have videos that we've done from Israel. So we're giving you guys the Holy Land trip and you don't have to pay for a plane ticket or anything. So it'll be a four part series of walking where Jesus walked. Because we believe that the more we understood the world where Jesus walked, the more we can understand his plans for our world today. So we're super excited about that and ask for your prayers as we prepare for that. But before we pray for you today, sweetie, tell us this story about what are the words that our spouse is going to remember about us? Because I think when we talk about encouragement and criticism, that's what it comes down to is to not think about it necessarily like in a morbid way of our own death. But if I was to die, I think one thing I should think about is what are those words that I've spoken to my spouse, that I've spoken to my kids, that they're really going to remember my, my, my voice in their mind from things I've said to them. Is it going to be words that build them up or words that tear them down? And we've got to be really careful of the words that we're leaving behind.

We do. You know, I was reminded of this when a few years ago I was watching a morning show and they had this, this young wife and her three children on their young children and she was talking about how her husband, who had been a soldier, had passed away at a young age. And they were just really struck by kind of her response. She blogged about this, and that's why they had her on the show. But they were struck by her response to this terrible thing that nobody wants to go through. And they said, how are you getting through this? How are you facing each day with this great loss? And she said, it's hard every day because we miss him every day. But she said, but there's one important thing he did before he passed away that has made this process something that we can get through as a family. And they said, well, what is it? And they said, well, my husband. She said, my husband was always so intentional about the words he chose to say. And there was one statement he would say all the time. Whenever we were in hard times and we felt like we couldn't do something or we were feeling down that day, he would look at us in the eye and he would say, you can do hard things. And she said, you know, it could be our kid not being able to ride their bike. We're trying to teach them, and they keep on wanting to give up. And he would look at the kids and say, you can do hard things. Or maybe, you know, she'd say, I come home from work and I'm like, I don't know if I can do this job anymore. He would look at her and he'd listen to her, but he would say, you know what? You can do hard things. And then when he got his diagnosis of cancer and life was going to change drastically, he looked at his family and he said, remember, guys, we can do hard things. And as he went through the treatments and things weren't going his way and they knew they were preparing for his passing, he once again reminded his family, don't worry, you can do hard things. And so this wife, with tears in her eyes, talking to the morning show host, looked at the host and said, so you know how we're getting through each day. I just remember my husband telling me and telling our kids, you can do hard things. And as I was watching this precious wife share this story, it just really impacted me because I thought, man, I need to be thinking about those words that I say to my husband and kids the most. Like, if I was to go to my husband and kids and ask them, like, when you think of me, your wife, your mom, what statement do you hear going through your mind? Because what we say the most often becomes like a soundtrack in our minds, but also in the minds of the ones we're saying it to. And we want to make sure that what we say to our loved ones are words that build up and not tear down. We want to make sure that that is the soundtrack, that is the legacy that we're leaving them. Because not only in marriage do words shape our marriage or in families do words shape our families, but we are also shaping a legacy that we are leaving behind. And so I hope that as you lead today, you talk about this with your family and your loved ones, whether you're married or not. I mean, even for the young people in this room, learning this now, as a young person, as a college student, wherever you are in your life is so important because your words have impact. So think about what you want to leave behind you. You want to leave words that lift up and give your family strength to face another day. You know, maybe it's a Bible verse that you want to repeat to your family, or maybe it's a saying like you can do hard things that you want to repeat to them. But I think it's important that we all start thinking now about the words that we want others to be left with once we leave this earth. I want to go ahead and end this service with a prayer, because I know we're all coming at this from different angles. I think for some of us, you know, we. We say really encouraging words, but maybe there have been, like, really discouraging words, really negative words to us that are a soundtrack in our mind, and it's something we feel like we can't shake. Or maybe on the other end, we really haven't been building each other up. We really haven't said kind words, and we have deep regret. And we feel like, man, am I too far gone? Can I repair this relationship? And I want to pray for you. And. And let today be a day where you do turn things around with God's help, because it's never too late. But we do have to let things start today. We have to recognize where we need to improve. So let's go ahead. Bow your heads and pray with me, please. Lord, I thank you so much for all the people in this room, all those watching in line, and all those at our campuses. Lord, we just thank you for the gift of marriage. We thank you for the gift of family. We thank you for the gift of communication. Lord, help us to speak words of life and not of death. Lord, help us to build up and not tear down. And, Lord, if we've wronged someone, we've said some hurtful things. I pray today's the day that we go and we seek forgiveness. And, Lord, for those of us who've maybe had some really terrible things said to us. We pray that you help us to renew our minds and to listen to your words about us, Lord, that we are your sons and your daughters. That you give us a hope and a future, Lord, that we are your masterpiece and that you give us beauty for your ashes, Lord. We thank you, Lord, that you give us chance after chance. May this be a new day for all of us. In Jesus name, amen.

Amen. Let's give the Lord a hand for his grace. And thank you again to second edition. It's been great having these great students with us. Look for them and give them a high five and thank them for being there. Let's all stand together for those who are helping out at camp this week. God bless you. It's gonna be an awesome week. Be here next Sunday, 4th of July weekend. We got some awesome stuff planned. Hope to see you then. Have a great week. We'll see you real soon.