From Intimacy to Isolation: When Your Spouse Feels Like a Stranger

We can end up surrounding ourselves with people that end up changing us, that we allow to change us. And then our spouse is like, I don't really like these changes, you know, so what do we do with that? What do we do when we feel like we've married, that we're married to a stranger?

Hey, friends. Welcome to the Dave and Ashley Willis YouTube channel. We are so glad you stopped by. We've got a great episode of the Naked Marriage podcast today talking about the topic of what to do when you feel like you're married to a stranger, which can be a lonely place. And many couples find themselves in this dynamic. And if that's you, we're glad you're here. Hope this episode is a safe place for you to learn some new perspectives and tips and tools that can help you and your spouse reconnect.

Exactly. And our producer, Taiwan, who Shout out to Taiwan and the whole team here. Yes. And Josh over there in the booth. And our XO team is incredible. We could not do this without them. But Taiwan, he was talking about this show that we actually. Can I mention it? Taiwan, do you think it's okay? Okay, so there's this show called welcome to Plathville. Dave's not watched much of it. I love reality tv. And ever since I got Max, I'm catching up on. I think it's.

Well, you like reality tv? That's like train wrecked reality.

Well, no, it's not my life at all. I like stuff that is not my life.

For instance, she's in. She watched Sister Wives.

I watched Sister Wives.

And I'm just like, why?

I'm like, I would never want this in a million years.

Like, and how, you know, God's design. One man, one woman. She's like, I know, but I just like watching how this plays out.

Like, it's a train wreck. I can't look away. And that's terrible. But it does pay their bills, so.

But it's a reminder that, like, oh, yes, God's plan for, you know, one man, one woman is 100%. Because, you know, you see. You see people doing it, trying to do it other ways. Polyamory or polygamy?

Polygamy.

It's a train wreck.

I've watched ones on cults too. I'm weird.

Like, what fits into this series? Married at first sight when you literally are married to stranger?

I can't get into that. Why can I not get into that?

And people really are married to strangers.

I know, like, Brent Evans are our, you know, president here. Like, he. He likes that show, if you were.

On Married to Friends and now you're listening to this episode because, like, I literally married a stranger. We're trying to figure this out. Welcome. We're glad you're here, but sweetie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Well, so welcome to Plathville is about a fundamentalist family. Kind of like the Duggars, wouldn't you say? Duggar esque. And they. A very sweet family, but it's just kind of like their highs and lows of their life. And there's one particular couple, it's the oldest son of this family and his wife. And like a big thing on this season.

But the thing is, the parents divorced, right?

Well, the. Well, yes. I don't want to give too much away, but that's kind of a recent. I'm trying not to give any spoilers at this point.

They look nothing like. No, nothing like.

No. Their family, that was once very fundamentalist.

And now they look more like Ozzy Osbourne's family.

No, no, no, no. But it's just kind of, I don't know, the dis. What do you call it? Disentanglement of like, all this. Okay. And so anyway, the oldest son who is married, like when they got married, he married a girl who's also from a fundamentalist family. But they both really did not want to create that kind of family themselves. But over the time they've been married, which I think is about four years been. They just don't feel like they know each other. I mean, it's. Especially the wife, you know, it's like, I don't even know this person. And again, this is sensationalized for tv. I don't know how much truth is there, but it does bring forth a dynamic that I do think some people find themselves in. And I remember watching this particular pivotal scene where they're talking about how they want to raise their children and they realize that they are on such different pages in their faith and in their. Their politics and their worldviews that they don't even think that they can come to terms on how they would raise their child. And they realize that they're basically strangers now. Like, in a lot of ways they don't even. And they kind of live these separate lives anyway. And so we were talking with Taiwan, our producer, and he was like, what if we did one on Married Strangers? Because I think in real life people are dealing with this, you know, and.

So who are you?

Like, yeah, like, I don't know you. And you change so Much that from the person that I married, that I just don't know how we have this common ground anymore. And what I would first say to this dynamic is that really, whether we realize it or not in marriage, we're all changing some as the longer we're married, wouldn't you say?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, we go through changes. And sometimes, you know, that's growing up. You know, like that couple in welcome to Platteville that got married. Yeah.

Getting more beautiful and more brilliant.

Getting more handsome. No, I mean, I think that in all seriousness, I do think sometimes life circumstances can make us change. You know, there can be different hardships we go through. There can be things where we're removed from our home of origin and we're like, wait a minute, everything my family taught me isn't necessarily how I see things. And then all of a sudden, we're kind of changing how we look at the world. I think sometimes we can end up surrounding ourselves with people that end up changing us, that we allow to change us. And then our spouse is like, I don't really like these change. So what do we do with that? What do we do when we feel like that we're married to a stranger?

Well, I mean, I think just acknowledging where you are. I mean, if you're listening to this and you're nodding your head, you're saying like, yeah, that's kind of where we are. Just acknowledging. It's the first point. Like, okay, well, at some point, we don't have to diagnose how we got here right now, but just acknowledge we have drifted apart. We have changed and not changed together as we've. As we've changed hand in hand, but we've kind of drifted into different directions as we've changed. And this isn't how we want to live. Like, we don't want to live just continuing to grow apart more and more as strangers. So let's decide. And it takes one person going first. It might not even be a team decision at this point, but one of you, you decide. I want to change that dynamic. I want to pursue my spouse all over again. I want to get to know them all over again. I want to recommit to them all over again. And I want to start growing with them so that we don't get in this dynamic again as we continue to change that we're changing alongside one another. Right. And the only way to do that is to do what you did at the beginning of the relationship when you were getting to know each other. And that's build Time together, have lots of conversations, talk about everything. Most likely, when you were dating, you never ran out of stuff to talk about. You're just fascinated by each other. You're staying up late and talking. You're spending all this time together. And when you. You become strangers with your spouse, those things have stopped. You know, you're. You're not prioritizing communication. You're. You're assuming you know all you need to know. You're not prioritizing time together. You're allowing the busyness of life to. To prioritize your schedule. More than just saying no, we're going to make sure our marriage is a priority. So you got to go back to doing those things you were doing at the beginning and then make sure you keep doing them. And tell your spouse, listen, I'm sorry. I don't know how this has happened, but I feel like we're drifting apart. I feel like we've become different people. I don't want. This isn't a let's get divorce talk. This is a let's reconnect talk. Like, let's have the marriage we both always wanted. I'm sorry for whatever role I've played in this, and I want to do things differently. I really want us to spend time together. I would say start. It doesn't have to all just feel like. It doesn't have to be. Like, let's just get in this intense counseling program. Counseling can be helpful, but just start doing the fun stuff you did at the beginning. Let's plan a trip together. Let's get away for no agenda other than just reconnecting, and let's start doing more of that stuff. Let's redefine our schedule so we're having more time together. And when we talk, let's really talk.

I think it's so true, and I think you kind of hit the nail on the head that a lot of the common theme through people becoming this dynamic of married strangers is not spending enough time together. Most of the time when we work with couples where they feel like they're with a stranger, they have had a long season of living parallel lives where, you know, and maybe they would. Maybe looking back, they would have been like, well, I'm just a fiercely independent person. Like, you'll hear that a lot. Like, I'm fiercely independent. And I get that. Like, in certain ways, that's actually really good, you know, that you. I mean, yeah. You know, just because we get married doesn't mean we lose our independence completely. You know, we have our individuality but when you're married, you can't have a strong marriage without spending significant amounts of time together. And I know for some of you watching and listening, you might be a military couple. You know, you might be, you know, have a job that takes you away for certain amounts of time. But that doesn't mean you can't still have a strong marriage. You still can go out of your way to, you know, remotely connect. There's ways to do that. I mean, we live in the day and age where there's literally no excuses, but it does take intentionality. And I think a lot of times, you know, maybe if you really think about it, if you're in this dynamic, I would just, I would ask you, like, well, how much time do you spend together? Because the odds are you probably don't spend a lot of time. And you could say, well, actually I want to spend time. Like, I desperately wish my spouse spent time with me, but he or she is just off with their friends or they're just choosing other things. Maybe. You know, we've known couples where they're literally in ministry, and for some reason, one of the spouses, I mean, there was actually a couple we know very well that the wife, she, she just got it in her head that, that maybe she missed her calling as a missionary. And so she just chose to be away from home, you know, more than with her family. And eventually they divorced by her, by.

Her saying, like, no, I want to. This is who I am now.

Yeah, I don't want to be married anymore.

Yeah, I don't want to be married. I don't want the burdens of like full time motherhood. I want to go be able to travel when I want. Right. And then like confusing that with God's will. It's clear it's never God's will for you to abandon your family. Like his, you know, his will is for you to be committed to the.

To your spouse and children that you.

Entered into covenant with and to the children that you have together. And you can still serve. Yeah, you can feel a calling to serve, do all those things. But just all of us, our primary ministry is our marriage and family. For all of us who are married, for all of us who have kids. And everything else is secondary to that always. But, but yeah, that was a drastic example of two very different things.

Heartbreaking.

Had just gotten two very different places. And it doesn't have to get to that point. It really, really doesn't. And so if you find yourself moving toward that dynamic, take a step back and Say, wait a second, this is. We're headed to the edge of a cliff here, and I don't want to fall off.

Exactly. And I think sometimes it can feel like a power play or control to the person who maybe, for whatever reason, is wanting more independence. It can feel like, oh, my gosh, you're putting this lasso around me and pulling me in, and I don't like it. And so it's very delicate. Like, if you find your spouse, you feel like they keep on wandering away from the marriage, you know? And I think some signs of this is not checking in with you as much, being away from the home more, finding reasons to be away from the home more and not really engaging with you. Just kind of. Even if they're in the room, they're just miles away, or they're on their phone or they're. They're just disengaging. Right. I think that it's important that you come to them and say, listen, this isn't about control, but we're married. Like, we're married. We made a commitment to each other, and if you have children, we made a commitment to these children. I want to know you. I want to be with you. I want to grow with you. And we can't grow, and we never spend time together. And listen, I get it. We are aging. We are growing. We're changing some. But I can't change with you if we're not in this together. Like, I can't even embrace these changes that you're making until we're in it together. You know, I mean, I've seen couples over the years at first, like, one. You know, let's say one spouse never cared anything about health. And all of a sudden, something happens, and they're like, man, I need to take up running because I want to live longer, and I want to be healthier. And all of a sudden, they're devoting all this time to running. And I know, you know, at first that other spouse who's not into it is like, wait a minute. That's kind of weird. But the ones that do well with that kind of change are like, hey, let me join you sometimes. Or let me go cheer you on at your marathon. Let me, you know, bring me into the picture.

Let me buy you running shoes.

Let me get you right. Let me have interest in what you're interested in, you know? Cause if it's not something. I mean, I think sometimes our spouse can change in a way that is not good for the marriage, you know, like, that's a whole other conversation when they're engaging in some kind of activity that clearly is out of bounds or they're changing and just like. Like, I think, you know, like back to the welcome to Plathville. When maybe they're abandoning their faith. I mean, that's a huge concern. Like, that's a completely different podcast. Like, we have some podcast episodes about that. Like, if your spouse doesn't share your faith, I think it is harder when maybe they once shared your faith, and all of a sudden they're now saying, well, I don't know if I need. Right.

That is a heartbreaking dynamic.

It's a very heartbreaking dynamic.

It's. Well, we started off in covenant, you know, both saying God was the foundation, and then one spouse says, not anymore. Yeah, that's not me anymore. And, like, what do you do with that? Well, the Bible gives, you know, outline for what to do in those situations. And it's essentially to continue to love the unbelieving spouse, to continue to just model the love of Jesus to them. And as long as they're willing to stay in the marriage that you. You stay in that covenant of marriage with them and pray for them and try to be a light to them, but then if they leave, if they choose ultimately to leave, then, you know, live at peace.

I mean, you did everything in your part, right? And who knows, you know, who's to say that God can't bring you still back together? I mean, we've seen that happen. We've literally seen that happen multiple times over our years of doing ministry for marriages. But, you know, I want to just level with people that this is hard, you know, when you feel like, man, I fell in love with this person, I married this person, I've had children with this person, and now I don't feel like I know them. I mean, it's heartbreaking, and it can be very lonely. And it can also really put us in a very vulnerable position to maybe fall into habits and behaviors that we didn't ever think we would do. You know, we've seen this where people get lonely and they start reaching out to old flames. We've seen it where they get into pornography because maybe you're not having sex at all. I mean, gosh, if somebody's never there, you're probably not having sex. You know, I mean, and it's just really, you know, that's a breakdown, too, of that connection. And I would just say, if this is your dynamic, you've got to be. Even though I know you're the one kind of Staying in the marriage, trying to fight for the marriage, listening to podcasts, these. But you've got to be so just mindful of where your mind goes, where your heart goes, who you're talking to, where you go online. Right, honey? Because this is where we see the breakdown.

Oh, sure. When you're lonely and vulnerable and frustrated, you know, you're like, Satan wants to slither in and get you to settle for some counterfeit forms of comfort that will hurt you. You know, they'll hurt you in the end. So don't trade temporary pleasure for permanent regret. Don't do things that might feel good or enticing in the moment, only to create more baggage and more pain down the road. And just be really careful who's speaking into your life in those moments. Because if you, like, in your loneliness, surround yourself with a group of peers. It's like going out with the guys after work or the girls after work, and they're all divorced or down on their husbands, and it just turns into having margaritas and just bashing, you know, the opposite sex. And we're better off with, you know, that's not what you need. You need a community around you who can bear the burden with you, who you can be honest with. Like, man, I'm struggling. This is what's going on. Please pay for my marriage.

Right.

That will do that, but will also encourage you and will also help provide some accountability that. Where you don't fall into some really unhealthy decisions in that time of vulnerability. Because any of us could. I mean, any of us in that moment of weakness and loneliness could. We're just more susceptible to temptations.

Sin is no respecter of persons. I mean, like, any of us are capable of anything. I mean, it's just the truth. Like, we, you know, we just have frailties as human beings. And so it is so. It's so important. But, you know, God will help you in this time of loneliness and in this time of bewilderment and kind of disappointment. I think it's disappointing when you feel like you're married to a stranger. Absolutely.

But the.

You can love your spouse better when you stay, you know, connected to God and really ask God to keep your heart soft and to really to help you discover new things about your spouse and to take interest. I think showing interest is just huge, you know, like, because I think when they feel judged and they feel like when we tend to. And granted. I know there's a place, we've talked about this in previous episodes, where if they've Gone off course. That's not necessarily judgment. I mean, you're concerned, right? You're showing concern, not judgment. But I think that we have to be very careful in our tone and our approach to our spouse and just make sure that it's a place of concern and a place of curiosity and interest rather than judgment. Because the judgment is just going to push them away more and make them think, well, you just don't care about me. You don't know me at all. And you might think, I don't. Like, I don't anymore. I don't know who this person is. But it's important that we just keep on showing them love. And you brought this up, sweetie. Prayer is essential.

Oh yeah.

I mean, prayer is essential. And sometimes, I mean, it might even be God, like, help me just remember why I married this person and help me to see glimpses of that person.

And let them be open to us reconnecting and let me be open to us reconnecting and draw our hearts back together and let us both grow closer to you, Jesus. Because the more you and your spouse are growing closer to God, the closer he's going to bind your own hearts together. And yeah, that's a journey when you're seeking God. As you grow closer to him, you're going to grow closer to the people in your life, your spouse first and foremost. Ideally. Unless your spouse is just in rebellion, pulling away from God and from you at the same time. And in that case, like we've said, pray for them. Do what you can. I know it can be a lonely place, but don't lose hope. It can benefit to talk to a counselor or someone on our team@xomarriage.com help. Feel free to reach out to us for prayer. We'd be happy to pray with you and for you. You can send us a message on Instagram or Ave and AshleyWillis. We love hearing from you with whatever reasons that you write. It's good to hear from you guys connect over there and just keep pursuing one another. You're not in this alone. God is with you in the struggle and we pray along with you. If you want an event to come to together, you and your spouse should put one of our exo marriage conferences on your calendar. It's a one weekend, just a Friday and Saturday. And those two days, I'm telling you, could make a world of difference in helping you take a big step towards reconnection. And plus, they're fun. You're going to laugh a lot and laughing bonds people together.

Oh it does. And we need that. We desperately need that. Especially when we feel like we're at this place where we just don't know each other. I mean, like, laughing can bring your tether, your hearts together, you know, and connect in ways that you forgot you could connect, you know?

Yeah.

Well, we hope this episode was helpful to you, and we hope you join us next week on the Naked Marriage podcast. Thank you all so much.