From Struggle to Satisfaction: Healing Painful Sex in Your Marriage

She said it was a very lonely time because they both got insular and just were like, gosh. I mean, because they both waited to have sex and they're like, this is what we get.

Hey, friends, welcome back to the Dave and Ashley Willis YouTube channel. We are here today with a brand new Naked Marriage podcast episode, talking about when sex hurts. And that's a real thing that a lot of people experience pain with sex. What do you do when it happens? We've got a full episode to talk about it. Let's dive in. Yeah, painful sex is something we've talked about in the past, but in this series on sex, to start the new year, we wanted to revisit it because so many people experience this, and like a lot of the topics we've addressed so far, it's not talked about enough. And so people that are struggling with it are often struggling in isolation. And we just want this to be a safe place for you to be able to talk through, work through whatever struggles you might be dealing with in marriage and even in sex specifically. So painful sex can be a variety of things. The most common is something called vaginismus, which is something that the woman experiences, usually from the base of the muscles at the floor of the groin. It's called the pelvic floor. And the pelvic floor is that group of muscles that, when it's tight, it can create extra pain for the woman. It can make it difficult for the husband to penetrate. It can make pain just hurt and feel awkward. And there are physical therapists that specialize in pelvic floor issues. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not defective if you're experiencing this. This is just a very normal thing that many women experience. But there are exercises that a trained physical therapist can help you through that's going to help loosen up those muscles, make sex more enjoyable, take the pain aspect away. And most of the time, with vaginismus, that's all it takes to alleviate the pain. Now, there are some cases where it might take more than that. It might take some other things, but start there, and you'll be amazed at the improvement most of the time.

And it can be, I mean, life changing, because I think that psychologically, when, you know, you go into marriage and all of a sudden you're having this pain with sex, it can really mess with you. Like, women we know who have gone through this, it's been horrible, you know, for their marriage. And I remember one couple we met, you know, years ago, she talked about this. They've Been married a long time. So this happened a long time ago. But she said it was one of the most painful parts physically and emotionally for their marriage because she felt like, oh, my gosh, I'm damaged. Why can't I enjoy sex?

Yes. Something that's supposed to feel good, right?

And it feels horrible, like a dagger, you know. And then the man was like, what did I do wrong? Like, I don't know what I'm doing. And he felt really inadequate. And they just really. She said it was a very lonely time because they both got insular and just were like, gosh. I mean, because they had both waited to have sex and they're like, this is what we get. Like, I mean, I think sometimes, you know, again, we've talked about this before. Well, kind of, you know, waiting to have sex before marriage, you know, I'm sorry. Waiting to have sex until marriage is hard, you know, and so a lot of times we kind of subconsciously make this deal with God. Like, well, if I'm going to wait, I know it's going to be amazing. And sometimes, you know, I would say most of the time it's not, you know, amazing right out of the gate.

Now, the first time, it usually hurts.

It's pretty awkward. It hurts. You know, you're getting to know each other's bodies. I mean, it can be really awkward, but it can be amazing. You know, the more you do it, the more you get to know each other and really enjoy it. It should keep getting better with time. But, you know, it's. It can be very. A huge disillusionment and a huge letdown for a couple experiencing any kind of pain, but especially, I think, with vaginismus. I think another one that can happen is when, like, we talked about this in one of the previous episodes, where sometimes the woman can have an allergy to the condoms or the spermicide or even the lubricant you're using, and you don't even equate it with that because you're like, well, everybody uses KY Jelly, or everybody uses condoms. Like, what's the deal? Like, it. Why? You know, it can't be that. Like, you kind of make excuses. But I'm saying if you're experiencing burning, itching discomfort of any kind of clue into that, like, say, like, let's try it instead of using KY Jelly, let's use safflower oil, or let's use coconut oil, or let's use something that is more natural. And of course, if you're allergic to any of those things, don't use that. But, you know, there are other natural lubricants you can use. Yeah.

That are often cheaper. Yes, you get them in the cooking aisle.

Exactly, exactly. Also, you know, look into. I know there's condoms that are more hypoallergenic and like, you know, there's different kinds. We've talked about that. So look into that and think, well, maybe that's what, you know, it's not my spouse, but it's this thing that's irritating me that could irritate the man as well. I mean, you need to look into these things and say, well, maybe I'm having an allergy. And so. And I think too, if sex is painful sometimes it may not even be physiological. It could be that it's, it's, you know, a mental block of some kind sometimes. I mean, our mind and body are connected.

Oh, absolutely.

And so it could be that, you know, there's this mental block that it's, it's creating pain because maybe you're clenching up or maybe, you know, there's something that has been negative associated with sex. And so you need to work through that with a therapist and really be sensitive to that with your spouse. You know, one of the biggest times when I think sex becomes painful is when a woman is going through menopause. And I haven't experienced that yet, but I know I will someday. And I have friends who have, who are maybe in the midst of menopause. And what they say is it gets really painful, not for all women, but for some. Because for some reason, when the woman is going through this change, she experiences a lot of dryness. And so therefore intercourse is really uncomfortable. And again, sometimes they look for lubricants, but even sometimes it's so dry that the lubricant isn't able to help. So you've got to look into things. Like sometimes you're a candidate for hormone replacement, which can help to alleviate this dryness and the pain associated with the dryness, because it can get your body to kind of start self lubricating again and having that naturally happen for you. I think too, the biggest thing, though, I think anytime, whether it's semantic, the woman having pain, the biggest thing you can do is just not blame them. Like, believe them. Believe them when they say they're in pain. And I know you're like, of course. What do you mean, believe them, Ashley? Because you would not believe how many times spouses will be like, she's dramatic. Yeah, you're just a baby.

She just doesn't want to do it. And she's making stuff up.

Exactly. Or he's just tired and he's a baby. He just doesn't want to deal. You know, I'm like, no, deal with it. You know, like, deal with the actual issue at hand. Believe your spouse and support your spouse. Okay. They need your compassion. They need your support. And then be willing to go see a doctor, be willing to go see a therapist, whatever you need to get to the. To kind of get the healing that you need.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's everything that we talk about here. It's really to just let you know there are solutions. You don't have to stay stuck in any part of your marriage. Like, if you're. If you're having a communication breakdown, if you're having sexual frustration. I mean, whatever it is you're going through, there are solutions. I mean, the ministry here at Exo Marriage, like everything we create collectively as part of this ministry, is to help you find solutions so that your marriage can thrive and future generations of your family can be healthy and more kids can stay with their parents in a home that's not. That's not fractured. And for you to experience the gifts that God has for you within that beautiful covenant of marriage. And sex is one of the greatest gifts. And so when you're experiencing pain or discomfort, don't just say, well, sex isn't for me. I guess I'm just not meant to enjoy it. We're just not going to have it. Or even reluctantly go along with it when it's uncomfortable every time. Don't settle for that when there are so many solutions that are out there. And that's just what we want to remind you guys, that there are solutions. There are so, so many solutions. And, you know, start medically, talk to your doctor. Be really honest. Talk to your ob. Say, look, doc, here's what's going on. I'm experiencing dryness. I'm experiencing pain. I'm experiencing this or that. And listen to them. If what they prescribe or suggest doesn't help, you know, talk to others. Talk to physical therapists. You know, do online research. I mean, try natural remedies. Try whatever. You're going to find solutions if you keep looking. You know, Jesus gave some great advice in scripture. He said, seek and you will find. The actual verb tense he used is, whatever you keep on seeking, you will find. So in any part of life, if you keep looking for it with just dogged, rugged determination, you are going to find it. And if you're looking for ways to get past this pain. If you're looking for ways to really enjoy sex again, then you are going to find it.

I would say, too. If for some reason there isn't, you know, a really clear solution, that doesn't mean you're doomed. I think the best thing you can do is look at this time as a special time in your marriage to grow closer in other ways. Because you can still have intimacy without having intercourse. You can still get to know each other intimately in a wide variety of ways that even are non sexual. And I'm not. That's not to dismiss sex or say that you don't even need to try to get back to being able to have sex. I mean, definitely still do that. But don't look at it as just, you know, a terrible time. Look at it as a time when you can grow closer in your communication, in your devotion, in your walk with Christ, because you will look back on that time as being a beautiful time in your marriage.

Yeah. And what? That's so true. One final thought. We've talked mostly about women experiencing pain related to sex, but men obviously can experience pain related to sex, too. It might not just be in the genital area. It could be, you know, your back has been thrown out and you're just physical activity. It all hurts. And sex included in that.

Or there's also a sexual. I don't even know what the scientific term is, but sometimes the blood flow. There's something with the blood flow where it can give you a headache.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. There are so many things.

Yes. For men. Like there's this surge of what's going on in your body and you can have this pulsing headache.

There have been times I experience that.

I know, I know. That's what I'm saying.

So, yeah, there's a lot out there. I just don't want you men to feel like we've forgotten about you because you hurt too. Right. But there are solutions for you as well. Guys, I hope this has been helpful to you. Thank you so much for the reviews you leave. Thank you for writing us. If you've got specific issues you want us to talk about, or if you just want to reach out, we're on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis. We'd love to hear from you there. And we look forward to seeing you tomorrow for another brand new episode.