Healthy Celebrations | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave and Ashley Willis

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Yeah, and this is something from personal experience. We've done right sometimes. I've done wrong a lot of times.

I've done wrong a lot too.

And we're going to talk about all of that, what we've learned through the ups and downs of those kinds of celebrations and what collectively all of us can learn so that moving forward, our celebrations are one of the healthiest part of our marriage. Let's dive in.

All right, so this whole series called Naked and Healthy, we've been talking about how to become naked and healthy based on our new book, Naked and healthy, available@nakedandhealthy.com, you know, we've been talking about how to make these goals, but I think something we haven't talked about yet is how to celebrate wins in such a way that you don't sabotage your new healthy goals that you've achieved which we have. We've had trouble with this in the past.

I've had trouble with this because, like, food is my love language. So I will undo healthy habits in a heartbeat. If there's a buffet or a really good dessert. And so you want to live. And we're talking about this whole naked and healthy in the context right now of physical health. And even though the book is about spiritual, mental, it's about every part of health. But physical health, you know, it's so hard to get on a consistent diet, exercise plan where you're feeling healthy. And then the moment that I do, I wanna celebrate it by undoing it all and saying, let's celebrate by just having a really big meal. And then that one really big meal will turn into dessert, and then that dessert will turn into the next day, saying, well, we're still celebrating. And before I know it, like, I will undo all of the good that I've done. So what we're talking about in this episode is how do we maintain that positive momentum while still being able to enjoy dessert, which I love, and still being able to, you know, live life, live real life, but not undoing the hard work that we've done to try to get to a place of health.

Right. I think a lot of it has to do with the amount of time or the moment that you give yourself. Like allowing it to be a moment of celebration, not a lingering celebration. Okay. I mean, not that we don't celebrate every day of life. That life is a gift. Right? We should be celebratory. But when it comes specifically to, like, your weight loss or a healthy goal that you have attained or a new healthy habit that you started, I think sometimes, you know, like, let's say you have achieved the goal for one month straight. You've been taking five walks together a week, and you've noticed a difference in your health, and you're so excited, and you're like, I'm gonna take, you know, I'm gonna take a little bit of time off and just let myself rest. Maybe like a day or two, but not a week, right? And we've made that mistake where we're like, you know, we're just gonna take a rest, you know, just gonna chill. I know, but you're on a month. Exactly, like, for a month. But your body becomes very accustomed to. To what you're doing. And the longer that you do or don't do that thing, it just becomes the norm, and it becomes harder to get back into that healthy habit. And I've made this Mistake. So I would sometimes make these huge, crazy goals of I'm gonna do back in. I don't know. When we were first married, we did Tae Bo, and it's like, I'm gonna stick to doing Taebo. Billy Blanks doing Tae Bo for a week or something. And I'd do it. And I was like, yes, well, I've done a week. I'm gonna take a week off. And then when I'd get to the next week, I'd be like, I don't know if I need Taobo anymore. You know? And I would have, like, I knew how good it made me feel. But it's like part of it is you have to set those realistic expectations, but then set realistic celebrations. Okay? And for me, what I found is a realistic celebration is maybe the one meal where you're celebrating and you just don't worry about calories and you don't worry about cake. Or the one day where you're like, this is my rest day. And I'm not saying. I mean, some of you are like, well, Ashley, I have several rest days in the week where I don't work out. I mean, like a day where you lay around, okay? Like, you are like a sloth. Okay? Like, you're taking a sloth day where you're like, it's Netflix and chill all day. Okay, you can have that. One day's fine. But don't let that become your life.

Because for lots of reasons. For lots of reasons, even beyond.

Wouldn't be a good spouse either, Right?

You don't have to have a health goal of being an underwear model to, like, want to have. Which I will never be. You know, I love food too much, so I'm always going to be a little bit squishy.

You're going to be a leg model. We talked about this. Leg model.

Well, whatever. If it gets.

It's legs all the way.

She does like my legs.

She has amazing legs.

Well, thank you. Thank you. But, you know, the love handles start just from my eyes only, just above. But the point is, like, health isn't just, like, physical appearance. We're not just talking about health in superficial terms. It's so much more than that. Like, you need to be healthy for the sake of just having energy and being at your optimal best for your spouse, for your family, for your work, for God, honoring him with the body that he gave you. And to do that, you know, rest is important. Some rest. The Bible commands us to rest. Some. But we also need to be active. The Bible has a lot of warnings against slothful living and just laying around the book of Proverbs, where I just wrote a whole devotional about it called Think Like Jesus. There's a lot in there about work and rest and when we fall into those kind of slothful habits, how that's really a foolish path that doesn't lead anywhere good. So we have to find that balance between being willing to rest, because some of us never rest, and that's not healthy, but also being willing to be active as a lifestyle and work and consistently make sure that our health's a priority and that, yeah, there's a time to celebrate. There's plenty of feasting and celebration in the Bible, and we'll have a whole eternity to do that with Jesus. But in this life, we have to balance it out, where if it's all feasting and celebration, we're gonna get really unhealthy real fast.

Exactly. And I think when it comes to marriage specifically and coming up with some healthy celebrations for what you have achieved, I think where couples kind of have trouble with each other is when one spouse maybe inadvertently sabotages the other spouse. Okay. And what I mean by this is, like, when, let's say you have really made it your goal and to get physically healthy, and you, you know, it's been really hard. You've had to completely change your routine, and especially when it comes to eating, like, you've really had to change your eating habits. But your spouse, you know, has been really supportive. But all of a sudden, they're like, you've achieved it. I'm gonna start buying all that unhealthy stuff now. But that unhealthy stuff is like, a huge temptation for you that's kind of sabotaging you without meaning to. And so what you have to do in that situation is say, listen, I know, you know, you're excited for me. You've been such a support to me, but I need maintenance is the hardest part of any kind of weight loss journey. I mean, it really is. And anybody who's lost weight will tell you that I really. If you're gonna buy those brownies, can you just put them somewhere else where? I don't know. They're there because before, I was so tempted by that. And I don't want to totally sabotage all the hard work I've done. And so, you know, not like you're putting rules on your spouse necessarily about their particular eating habits, but you're saying, can you help support me? We've got to assert ourselves and say, listen, you've been so awesome this far. Please continue just supporting me in this way and you know, just know that I appreciate it so much.

Yeah. The sabotage thing is huge. And I've done this without meaning to. There've been times when, you know, Ashley is so much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. I mean, in a lot of parts of life she's more disciplined, but when it comes to food, especially like she's, when she is on a plan and she's been on some different plans through, through time and she's even been like a leader in things like Weight Watchers.

Yeah, Weight Watchers.

I love Weight Watchers and was really thriving with that when she was on that plan. And so she knew how many points were and everything, which is kind of the system that Weight Watchers. Yeah, she still knows and she'll tell me, do you know how many points are in that ice cream? Like, I don't wanna know. Don't be a killer of joy, but I've been the saboteur.

Sometimes not meaning you're never meaning to.

Come on, let's go to that restaurant we love. Let's just a little chips and salsa and then after that it's like a little more food and then some ice cream and then I can just really get going, not only for a meal, but as a lifestyle and be an unhealthy influence when she's trying to be healthy. And so you have to support each other. You also have to have room to live and laugh. But if one spouse is really trying to get serious about a certain diet or a certain health, even if you're not joining them, even if you're not doing that specific plan alongside them, don't sabotage what they're doing. Try to support them in that.

Absolutely. And speaking of Weight Watchers, I remember one thing I learned is, you know, when it comes to celebrations, especially if you're talking about, you know, when it comes to food, like food's maybe been a hard part of this health journey and like getting a grips on having a healthy eating plan. They always say, like when you finally, you know, achieved any kind of milestone and it could be the smallest, like celebrate the small things. Like I didn't overeat this week. I actually just ate pretty reasonably or I didn't eat past 7 o' clock tonight because I'm trying to do intermittent fasting, whatever that thing is, celebrate the small wins. But in Weight Watchers, they always say have a non food celebratory way of doing things. For example, let's say you lost 10 pounds this month. Go get your nails done. Or go buy that thing that you've been waiting to buy for so long as a way to reward yourself. Because then food's even out of the equation, right? It's not gonna sabotage because it's not food. And that was the thing that you were having trouble with. I think that's one way to think about it too. Maybe you set that goal of and maybe it's not even tied to pounds. Maybe it's more about the habits. And you're like, I've stuck to this eating plan or I've stuck to this exercise regimen. Once I do this for one month, I'm gonna give myself a spa day. Or once I whatever the timing is, or we're gonna go on a nicer date night than usual. Like maybe, maybe we'll go to that really nice restaurant in town that we never get to go to. Cause we're celebrating. You know, that is a food celebratory thing, but it's a special thing that you're looking forward to. Or maybe, you know, we both go and have a spot. It doesn't have to be just one of us, you know, for some of you, it has to be the thing that you, that you like doing. I think you just have to, you know, both individually and together decide, okay, what is a way I can celebrate and not ruin what I've done? You know, what is that thing for you? Food might still be okay and it's not gonna completely throw you off track, but maybe for you, if it was such a huge ordeal to get over and you know your own limits, maybe it's a non food celebration.

Yeah, that's very well said. And cause just training yourself to not make overeating always the celebration, which is hard for me because I look at food as celebration. You know, I mean, I'll like, food is my go to when I'm happy. It's also my go to when I'm depressed. It's my go to when I'm bored. And so I'll try to exercise a lot. And I've been more disciplined in exercise than I have with food. But you can't out exercise a really bad diet. I've learned. You just can't. And it's just not the right approach. And so, yeah, exercise for sure. But don't sabotage yourself. Don't sabotage your spouse with food. Find those celebrations. And maybe it doesn't even have to be something that always costs money because maybe you're thinking, I can't afford to celebrate. Health wins by going and getting my nails done every time or whatever it might be. Of course, if you're a guy, it's probably not your nails that you're wanting to get done anyway, but whatever you're into. But maybe find some things that meet with the budget and that you can celebrate. I mean, this is in all parts of life. Maybe you're setting financial goals not to get too far off track, but you're trying to get financially healthy and you're making great progress. Well, don't celebrate the fact that, oh, we paid off that credit card by going and charging something big to reward yourself. I mean, that's. That would be sabotaging it. So find a way to celebrate without working against what you've just done. And in the food, health thing, find a way to celebrate that isn't going to sabotage your health or your finances if you don't have the money to go and spend money on something but still celebrate. There are so many beautifully simple ways to celebrate and to create things to look forward to that are going to be healthy. So do those things for us. If we could go like on a hike somewhere, it's free.

Absolutely.

It's exercise. And like we said, we're going to do a little day hiking trip somewhere like that would just be awesome for me. Doesn't hardly cost anything but gas money and it's healthy in itself and it's one of our favorite activities. So find something like that.

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I remember there was a lady that, I think I was going through weight watchers with her, and one way she rewarded herself, and it was a visual kind of representation of the goal that she. The goals that she was meeting. And what she would do is she had these little jewels you would buy at a craft store. And so they were sparkly. I mean, it'd be something you get at Hobby Lobby or Michael's. And then she had this little sachet, like a little bag that for every pound she lost, she put a little jewel in the bag. And this lady, I believe she had to lose, like, 100 pounds. And little by little, she was filling up this little bag, and eventually she had to actually get a bigger bag. But she would, every time, and she did it in our little class, she would like. And it would be these sparkly little jewels. I mean, they're plastic, you guys. They're not real jewels. But to her, it just reminded her of how far she had come. And it was something beautiful to look at. It was a tangible way of her physically dropping that jewel in the bag. It was like, I'm adding to my life. I'm adding years to my life by becoming healthier. And, you know, it might be for you, maybe that's how you celebrate. Maybe you have a visual representation of how far you've come. Maybe you're a charts person and you put it up, you know, on your fridge about how you've completed those workouts. I know years ago, I used to do beachbody.com and they're awesome. They have all kinds of different workouts, and they always, in a lot of these, they offer you a chart that you can put on your wall, and you get to check it off. And it has little motivational sayings, and it's a visual reminder of how far you've come. And for me, whenever I could check it off or put a star on the chart, it was a celebration for me. So it doesn't. Like Dave said, it's not like you have to spend money or have an exception experience or whatever. I mean, you really have to find out what helps keep you going and what helps keep you going without sabotaging what you've done. And so think about that. Think outside the box. I mean, maybe the juul thing is gonna help you. I know I have a little keychain that I've put little reminders of kind of different milestones I've had in my health journey. And I love it. I mean, it's so fun when I see it because it represents those health milestones. And so just think outside the box about what would help you and what would help your spouse.

Yes. You and your spouse. So celebrate each other's wins.

Yes.

So you don't have to just plan your own celebrations every time. But be thoughtful. Big part of marriage is just being thoughtful. There's nothing more romantic than thoughtfulness. And so planning a thoughtful celebration of some kind for your spouse is really a special way to bring you both together.

And I want to say this really quick. Like, I remember one of Dave's big goals that he had years ago was to run a marathon. And the first time he ran a marathon, you guys, and he trained so well, it ended up being like the hottest day ever in Nashville, Tennessee. And Nashville, if any of you have ever run their marathon, you know how hilly it is. And it just. It just really took a toll on Dave's body. And unfortunately he was so close to finishing, but he didn't finish because he was having some health issues and ended up passing out in someone's yard. I'm so sorry.

It wasn't like a total pass out. It was. I was laying down under someone's bush trying to get shade.

It broke my heart.

A little boy came and offered me his bicycle to finish my knee. I had some kind of tendonitis that was flamed up so bad that I could like, not even hobble my way across the finish line. And I was just really struggling, so I had to. Yeah, I had to skip the last probably five miles and just hobble my way over to the finish. And Ashley and the boys are all waiting for me to.

We didn't know where he was.

Like, where's. Where's dad? You know, because like 80 year old people are crossing the finish line and I'm not there. And there are some really fit 80 year old people at these races, by the way.

They really are.

I want to be that someday. I want to be that now. And so, yeah, I failed. Like they were trying to make a big celebration.

You didn't fail. We ended up in the first aid tent like a lot of people because it was so hot. But I remember we had all made. He didn't even know at the time, but we had made these Big signs. And at the time, we had three kids. I literally was wearing one of them. Like one of those baby wear, you know, like the little papooses you put on.

You're the hero.

And then I had a double stroller and was pushing the other kids, and then they were each holding a sign we had made with glitter. And it was like, go, Daddy. And all this stuff. And we're all looking, and then they're like, where is daddy? And I remember that night, we still celebrated. Cause I was like, my goodness, Dave. I mean, you still ended up in the first aid tent. I think you made it, like, 22 miles. I mean, you made it really close. And how much is the marathon again? Remind me.

26.2.

I think it was 22 miles, right? You made it pretty close.

I don't remember exactly, but.

But we still celebrated. We still showed you the signs. We still celebrated with dinner. But let me tell you all about a year or two later, he ended up going to Greenville and he completed a marathon. And my sister ended up going into labor that night and having her child. And I had to drive you guys. I could not be there to celebrate with Dave when he finished the marathon because my sister, I had promised her I'd be there for the birth of my precious niece, Shelby. But I remember when. When he got home, we celebrated, because that is a milestone moment.

So, yeah, I did it. And you know what? Remember in your first celebration for the thing I didn't even finish, it motivated me when I was very much. When I was running the second one, I'm like, yes, I got a family that loves me and believes in me, and it was great.

That's right. We're so proud of you.

Well, guys, listen, however you celebrate, just keep them healthy. Keep your celebrations healthy. But, you know, you can have some cheat meals every now and then, too.

Yes.

I'm always gonna love ice cream, even when it does love me back. All right, well, this brings me to the time in the podcast where we answer one of your questions live. We never read these ahead of time, so you're getting unfiltered advice, so thanks. For those who send in these questions to nakedmarriagepodcast.com and also you can reach out to us on social media, Instagram, Facebook. Just look up Dave or Ashley Willis. You'll find us there. Today's question says this. My husband and I are overcoming a very difficult time that sadly had us separated for over a year. We've since been reconciled and are seeing the Lord bless and restore our Marriage. But during the separation, things got ugly. Family and friends ended up taking sides. Since we have reconciled, it has been very difficult for us and our children to be around these friends and family members that still have opinions and feelings about our life. What do we do about this? Yeah, this is.

It's really hard.

First of all, congratulations on the restoration. That's the place to start. You know, you guys are a miracle in progress. You know, the Lord has restored what was broken, and that is something to celebrate. That is something to celebrate. And anybody in your life who truly loves you is going to eventually come around and join you in the celebration. I will say, like some. This is why we talk so much about being really careful what we share about our marriage with friends and family members, because it makes us look at our spouse in different ways, and we share our struggles with family and with friends, and it makes them feel like they have to take sides. And I know once there's been an actual separation, things get a little. It's a little different. And I see where you would want support around you, people to lean on, people to share with. And so I'm not blaming anybody what was said or not said by anyone to lead to this. All I'm saying is for those of you who are listening, who are in a situation now where you're tempted to share the struggles you're facing in your marriage with your family members, just know that one of the unintended consequences of that is very often your family members are going to look at your spouse in a different way even long after you and your spouse have reconciled, whatever that issue was. So it's better to talk to a counselor or to. To someone who loves you and your spouse equally and will not be tempted to kind of take sides in any way in a situation like this. I'd say keep working on building your marriage and know that it's going to take some people time to come around because of the feelings they'd already, you know, they'd already developed. Don't necessarily judge those folks, but at the same time, you might have to have some distance with those folks if being around them is gonna bring back some of that negativity. You might have to have some boundaries for a while.

Absolutely. It is complicated because you wanna be, you know, you're so excited that your marriage has been reconciled, and that's a miracle in and of itself. But, you know, you need the support of your family through this probably now more than ever. And so what I would encourage you to do is go to your family Members each of you, and say, you know, listen, I understand that you're hurt because, you know, back before, my spouse hurt me, and I don't know the situation here because you didn't share with us what happened, but maybe some details were shared and your family members and friends know what happened and say, listen, don't you think that I, as the spouse who was hurt, you know, if I can forgive him or if I can forgive her, you know, can you trust me enough to know that I'm making a sound decision? And can you just, you know, support me in this? Because if you love me, then you're gonna support me in this, even if your feelings are kind of all over the place with my spouse. And if you could, in this time, because we're really trying hard to keep moving forward together through this healing process, could you refrain from saying negative things about my spouse? Because this is someone that I've been through really hard time with, but this is my family, and I really would rather you not say those negative things to me because it makes my life a lot harder. And I know you think you're doing something good, but we have already decided that we are reconciling. And so I need you to support me in this. And, you know, some members, when you put it as plainly as that, will be like, wow, you know, I guess I see it that way, that if he or she can forgive this person, you know, and it honestly doesn't matter if your family member forgives them because they're not in the marriage. I mean, not to sound harsh, but if, you know, if they can forgive them, then I'm gonna support them in their decision, and I'm gonna not say negative things. I think that some will see it that way, but some are still not going to. And what it is, is it's about setting boundaries and saying, listen, I love you so much, and I know that you hurt when I hurt, but I can't stand here and let you talk about my spouse that way. Cause you gotta be able to stand up for one another while also keeping a good relationship as much as possible with your family members and friends.

Very well said. And if you are wanting to talk to somebody who could help you through that, in addition to potentially meeting with a Christian counselor in your area, we have great coaches here at XO who would be thrilled to talk with you over the phone or by Skype. For anybody listening right now that could benefit from talking to somebody through whatever situation you might be facing, go to xomarriage.com coaches and you can learn more about that important aspect of our ministry. That's right. Thanks so much for your question. Thank you to all who are listening. We love and appreciate you. Thank you. When you subscribe and leave reviews, all those things help others discover this podcast. And when you do that, you're partnering with us and helping spread the message all over the world about building stronger marriages and the importance of having a naked marriage once again. This new series we're in is based on our new book, Naked and Healthy, which is now available everywhere books are sold or at the website nakedandhealthy.com thanks again, guys. We'll see you next time.

Hey listeners, we just want to show you how much we appreciate you listening to the podcast week after week. And we have a free gift just for you listeners, and that is a free chapter from our video very new book, Naked and Healthy.

That's right. The chapter is called In Thickness and in Health, which is one of my favorite chapters in the whole book. It's about our misadventures, our wins and our losses, and kind of our journey toward physical health. It has some of my favorite stories in it. And again, we want to give you this chapter for free just for being a listener to this podcast. So all you have to do is pull out your phone and text Naked Marriage, all one word. That's N A K E D M A R R I A G E to the number 31996. Naked marriage to 31996. And we will send you that free chapter. Thanks again for listening.